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worthlessness

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I am going to be�honest here...i have lied most of my life about who I am...I feel�I have to because I feel like no one will want to get to know me other wise..Is it wrong yes...but I am human and crave love..even if it is not really real at the time...I also crave friendship...I don't really have any...I don't really get to get out of the house that much...so who is the real me...Short fat, amputee, and in a wheel chair...I always thought maybe if I were one or the other I would be better...one or the other being...either fat and have legs or skinny and be in a wheel chair...on the phone I am easy to talk too, funny, witty, smart...maybe I could be those things in person as well but I am way to shy and ashamed or the way I look and feel I have no worth to anyone....I don't say these things to get pity...I don't want that...I have been thinking of my life lately and I don't want to keep hurting these people that trust me...so I have decided to stop...stop the lies start fresh and flay the flesh from my body tear off all the band aids that I have put on...

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1/28/2012 7:54:19 PM

P.s. To those of you who have recently e-mailed me stating that you are God bow before you...No one is my God except for the one above who created me and I will have no others before Him.


1/11/2012 11:23:04 AM

I am getting tired of my pictures I need new ones I guess it is the right time for some...New year new pictures.


12/14/2011 7:56:21 PM

The only way I except friend requests is it I have met you already....thanks.


12/2/2011 3:00:56 PM

I really need someone to distract me...He e-mailed again...to the person that i like that lives in Orange...will you be that distraction?


11/5/2011 8:23:40 PM

Why do almost all of my admirers look like pedophiles?


7/29/2011 10:56:59 AM
I am getting alot of e-mails suggesting an online relationship ...again this is not what I want so please don't even bother writing me.

3/3/2011 5:14:26 AM
One conversation with lots of interruptions but I find my self thinking about him a lot.

12/15/2010 12:42:22 PM
If Doms say in their profile that they would like to start online...and then move to r/t do you think it is more likely that is really all they want...or do they really believe it will turn into r/t...I believe that it is more like to stay online...so I don't even give it a chance to start out that way...sorry if that is wrong of me.

11/12/2010 9:25:17 PM
I finally feel more in control of my life again ..after losing my whole summer and having a guy I went to high school with be my nurse in the hospital ..just a little side note I would so suck his dick if I were not so shy and have an overwhelming fear of rejection..I am great at pretending I don't want something I don?t really think that is a good thing..but I am getting bolder.

10/27/2010 6:23:47 PM
I think it is such bs when I get e-mails that state" I am looking for a sub/slave that will do online first and to prove themselves and then move to rl oh and be ready to get on webcam and be ready to show yourself. " What's real about that...oh wait the only real thing you do know is a hand will be wrapped around their prick.

3/25/2010 4:19:38 PM
Back ..it took long enough but thank God for wound-vacs.

2/16/2010 8:44:11 PM

Going bye bye for a little while...medical problems have cropped up again...I hate it nothing really to look forward to except getting shorter..really sucks when you have not been sick in a long time and then something out of the blue pops up.


1/3/2010 8:34:35 PM
To answer a question I got in an e-mail today..."What is with the pic of the chair am I to feel sorry for you"...Nope...it is me being up front and honest about what I look like and what someone will end up getting...I don't believe in false advertising.

12/27/2009 1:45:53 PM
My holidays went well...It is always nice spending time with family...it is a little sad when they are over but a relief...On to the new year this year I refuse to make any resolutions why do that to yourself always have these wonderful expectations and then you let yourself down...I am just not willing to do that again..so I resolve not to make any resolutions ..see I am already doing better then last year...speaking of making promises...I won't say I am not up to meeting people out of state and seeing where it goes but I don't want it to drag on forever...realistically I want someone close to me...I am willing to move but I want to make sure it will be for the right person.

12/17/2009 1:53:31 PM
So..Last time I went skydiving I had a blast...so I think I am becoming addicted...all in all not a bad thing to become addicted to...Tomorrow will be my second time...the last time I will get a chance to go this year...for some reason I am a little more scared...I don't know why maybe it is..how many times can I get lucky and reach the ground safely...lol...it does remind me I was put on this earth to live! And to keep going with the promises I have made to myself...Happy landing :)

12/16/2009 2:41:05 PM
It is wrong of me to be picky and want certain things? As I keep getting e-mail from people just wanting me a worthless nothing just to use and throw away...it strengthens my resolve not to end up that way.

I have thinking about it alot...one of the first questions I get it what I have to offer...I think I finally have an answer...

I offer a huge heart which to love more then you have even been loved, a mind that will always think of you're pleasure before my own, a body that will hurt for you and take all the you have to give it

12/12/2009 9:53:48 PM
I find it strange for people to be so opened minded about their sexuality on here but so closed minded about other things...yes I am disabled so yes I am limited to some of the things I can do...but creativity is a huge turn on for me...so I can't stand...so tie me to my chair :) lol...my mind works...my heart works...my body works...and my passion to serve is 200%..It does take a little while for me to open up to some people but when I do watch out...for the right Dom I can blossom into something wonderful...so today I refuse to feel bad about myself and just maybe I am feeling a little less worthless.

12/10/2009 2:32:45 PM
Since alot of people keep asking I am a bk(below the knee) and an ak(above the knee) While I am still not comfy showing all of me...I did add a picture of what I look like from below.

12/10/2009 1:41:29 PM
Thanks for the friend invites that I have been getting..but as I am trying to be true to myself and what I want I won't be adding anyone until I have met them in person.

12/5/2009 11:27:18 PM
So I have been taking tons of pictures everyday hoping I will like just one enough to put up...I have come to the conclusion I am never going to like pictures of myself...so in an effort to start loving me...I am going to say screw it and put a couple up and anyway...me uncovered/naked/open freckles and all and yes I do have them all over my body :(...and before people get all excited...ummm not those kind.

12/4/2009 1:21:08 PM
I guess I am not the norm on here...yes it is nice to get e-mails from people saying they would like to get to know me better and so on...But don't try to blow smoke up my ass by telling me what you think I want to hear..if your just curious just say so...if you want to just ask questions say so...if you just want to jerk off say so however I won't help out with that unless it is in person...I am not the type to feed into it all I guess I am jaded in a way but it protects me ...and sometimes that pushes people away...I am always thinking they have other reasons for contacting me other then wanting to get to know me...I am trying to change that but I do go in my own pace with somethings...Some people that I feel I have a connection with and I feel they are sincere I will send pictures too...so if I say no then that should be it...I won't even show my face here yet so what makes you think that I am going to send a pussy shot your way?..and to the few that I have felt comfy with bonus :)

12/3/2009 12:34:50 PM
I thought this was really funny and I was feeling a little left out because I had not gotten any e-mails from Nigeria...So for you're viewing pleasure and hopefully a laugh....here goes...

you simply gave me a real heart palpitation by mere staring at your pic...............didnt know i will ever bump into such rare gem.................you are simply special that was why i wrote this to you i was really struck by your beauty , i had to meet you .you look the sort of lady thats mightly often getting fallen in love with , you really startled me , because i have never seen such a radiant beauty before .i admire you immensely , i would love to give you a real rattling good time, just say the word & i will run run round right away to some high class jeweller & fix up the ring business i must confess that you are an appealing sight to see, your eyes are as sexy as forget me not, you are my defination of a very beautiful lady . could i have the honour of knowing you its always good to hear from you , always have a beautiful heart , a beautiful smile , with love for all beautiful people and beautiful people will always love you. take care & remain blessed. Kindly get back to me if this mail really touched your soul. Hear from you soon. Thanks. Kelvin

12/1/2009 2:09:15 PM
I have gotten alot of e-mails asking if I am looking for a relationship...or if I just wanted to be used as a fuck pig...a little of both I guess...and before I get alot of e-mails calling me all sorts of names and offering to use me like that...don't bother...I have been used that way alot by men...because they thought of me as just a novelty...

People say you have to love yourself before you can allow anyone to love you...I call myself worthless...because thats how I look at myself...but one day I want to be worth something to someone...I don't know if that will ever happen and I don't expect it too but I know what I want...

12/1/2009 11:57:05 AM
I have been opening myself up more and it does not suck...I still have a wall up but in a way I think it needs to be there still...It is not as scary either...even a little exciting.

11/20/2009 1:41:57 PM
Okay...I guess a lot of people think because I don't have any legs I might not have a pussy or any ass either...well I do..and my mouth works great also lol
 
This did get me to thinking though...so.
 
7 things you might want/need to know about me.
 
1. Yes my pussy and ass work
2. What I want most in life is for someone to accept me as I am and love
me for my differences
3. I love anal/spankings/cock worship ( although I hate the word worship)
4. I hate getting help from people if I can't do it I will find a way
5. I am not very experienced but I love learning and yes I have been in a relationship before
6. I have been in a wheelchair since I was eight ( not all amputees can wear a prosthesis)

7. I HATE feet...I don't know if it is because I have none or I just think they are gross.

Maybe more to come..depends on what questions may pop up.

11/20/2009 1:01:18 PM
I got an e-mail today saying that my profile was a bit creepy and saying that yes I have lied in the past but it really did not reflect that I wanted to change...Well first of all I do want to change and I am...I no longer lie to people and I am trying to feel better about myself...as for my profile being creepy I really don't understand why it would be viewed that way...but it is blunt and nothing was sugar coated..it needed to be that way..At the time I wrote it I was just trying to hurry before I changed my mind...and in the future I might make it better or at least add on to it but for right now I feel it is as it should be...and sorry it "creeped" you out.

11/19/2009 11:21:21 PM
Okay so I did it...yes I chickend out a little but I kept my promise to myself that is all that matters.

11/15/2009 8:44:10 PM
I think the next step I need to take is uploading pictures...I really don't want to but I think I have to for myself...I still don't feel comfy in really being myself and feel like I have taken a step back so...I will challenge myself this week to just do it.

10/28/2009 7:12:48 PM
So I got to go skydiving this weekend...it was on my "wish" list It was scary and fun and
awe inspiring I think that is what it must feel like to walk again...freedom.

10/13/2009 11:00:49 PM
Being honest is supposed to feel good...I am not saying it does not but hopefully it starts feeling better...I have to admit my tummy does not hurt as much and some of the guilt is gone so that's a good thing.

10/8/2009 2:54:43 PM
I have to think to myself sometimes...why are these people e-mailing me...I am fat...I have no legs...I feel like crap about myself...and I have other problems..if it were me I would so rather deal with the fakes from Africa...
to the person who thinks I want pity...that's not why I am here...I am doing therapy on myself pushing myself to be the real me..to feel better about myself ...I am not desperate or delusional about finding anyone here...My eyes are wide open about who would want me and why they would want me.

10/6/2009 12:32:13 AM
Just because I am being honest with myself and trying to be more honest with others does not mean I want an online relationship...I crave human contact just like everyone else and if just sitting behind a computer screen would do that for me I would be doing cart wheels right now...I would rather be alone for the rest of my life...at least I already have it in my head that is what is going to happen anyway..then have any type of online "thing" so please...stop the e-mails asking if I want to be an online slave...i am a slave to myself right now.

9/30/2009 8:20:26 PM
I am surprised that there are not more devotees here...but I guess that may be a hidden kink I think that is one of the only reasons I may have hope is to find someone who is a devotee...someone who likes the way I am already I can change the fat part of me but I can never grow my legs back...I try hard not to think about love because there are always conditions on it...people say "I love you unconditionally" but that is a lie there is no such thing as unconditional I wish there was...but then again if someone were to feel that for me I might push them away how can you allow someone to love you if you don't even love yourself.

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dominatrixJANINE
 
 Age: 26
 South Africa