He asks, "What do you want?" and I stare, dumbfounded. There are many things that I crave, but I'm not sure how to put them into words that he, being uninitiated in the realm of BDSM and D/s, would be able to understand. My eyes have been opened to many wonderful pleasures in this journey and I am afraid to continue walking into the unknown - moreso scared of not being accepted, although I know he is open. He wants to learn what makes me tick, and he is slowly picking up on the cues, but I'm not sure what breadcrumbs I am leaving.

I'm not sure where my heart wants to lie. For the last year or so, I've been intimate with a handful of people that I care deeply for. He knows that he is not the one and only - at the moment - and there is no pressure to become monogamous, though that is his style. I have enjoyed being in different beds, waking up to the people I care for, and I'm not sure if I can let this fairly new part of me go. Yet now I am uncomfortable with the idea of sharing myself. I love the experiences that each individual brings out of me, but I feel myself building walls to keep them out.

I want my cake, and to eat it, too. I want it all, yet not. I've never liked anyone asking what I want. I usually follow the lead and often enjoy myself in the process. Thinking about what I want is like wandering around an unfamiliar place in the fog, and its often painful because I am ashamed of what I want when I realize what it is.

I'm also afraid to fail, to not live up to expectations, to break hearts and hurt souls.

She definitely knows what I crave even though I don't speak much about what makes me tick.  Was sent on another high tonight.  She asked if I trusted her, and I absolutely do.  I am a very trusting person and place myself into the hands of others quite easily, however, there is a limit to which I am able to do this with strangers.  She is one of the few who I care deeply for and who knows and understands me - she is one of the very few who I trust with anything.
Tonight the roles have officially switched.  She used to be my pet and my lover - she is still a lover, but neither of us are bound by titles and obligations except for the pet/owner relationship, and only that when we see each other.  I never really wore the mantel of owner very well because I don't quite lean towards embracing control.  I want to give up control.  She is extremely enthralled of the idea of causing humiliation, and that is what I desire.  She knows me well enough to understand what courses through my veins and the look in my eyes.
Forgot how it feels to be naked.  With others in the room.  And to be so turned on by it.  She fed the fire by rubbing my pussy with her foot while they were there, although they were not watching - they were partaking in their own little scene.  Her roommate does not want to acknowledge his endeavors into the BDSM world, but her friend is diving straight in.  
Miss offered me to her friend, and her friend giggled in an adorable manner but was eager to take the offer.  I was blindfolded while she, being a novice, practiced how to use the red leather slapper, and the magic of ice cubes, as well as a little bit of the whartenberg wheel.  I gave her a foot massage and was used as a footstool.
She called me dog.  It is what I want to be - I want to be on the floor, be petted (touch me touch me touch me), be shown off to others and prove what a good girl I am.  I have not felt such happiness in nearly a year.
What a tease Miss can be.  She loves puzzles and playing mind games (the good kind).  Tonight she offered me an awful ultimatum - I could either cum but not be allowed to kiss her, or to kiss her and leave for the night... after I was so worked up and whimpering.  I love kissing her, and it was difficult to resist the urge because she kept her lips lingering near mine and it drove me deliciously crazy.  Good thing she also enjoys loopholes and she kissed me.

So many things to talk about tonight, yet I am struggling to remain awake so I can get all my thoughts down.  Still processing.
When I am with her, there is always this magic, a beautiful flow of desires that is not only bodily lust but a craving for everything.  It is interesting to note the subtle changes between us in the past few months - a growth in confidence for the both of us and the result is the both of us are happier, managing my own emotions better, and she has explored her sexuality and sensuality more.  I want her happy, I want to please her, I want her to please me, I want to pull her hair and suck on her toes.  I want to be her friend and her lover, and now the both of us are in a better place now than we were when fate first threw us together.  We are both switches and I have never felt so free to feel and do what I want, even though we both have inclinations towards one side or the other of the spectrum, but I guess we balance each other out.
What a scene.  It just occurred to me how intense it was.  She wanted to be as strict as she could with her roommate and her friend in the room.  With my shirt off, but all other clothing in tact, she bound my arms in a dragon tail tie and made a rope collar.  I wanted to remove all my clothing, show myself off, but also wanted to be respectful of the other people in the room.  The whartenberg wheel felt much more painful than usual - not sure if it was in my head or if she was pressing down hard, and though that hurt in an unpleasant way, I still wanted to feel it.  She pulled me to my knees and had me suck her toes and kiss her feet and legs as she busied herself with work.  When she dropped her pen, I had to use my mouth to pick it up from the floor.  She had me retrieve something while crawling, holding the item in my mouth.  
Normally I am content on my knees at someone's feet, but something made me feel like being a brat.  I distracted her from her work, spoke when I was told not to speak, nibbled at the paper she was working on, and other things that caused her to punish me.  I can be cute, silly, and playful, but I'm not sure if I have ever unleashed the brat inside me to anyone.  Maybe that is what unnerved me tonight, that I craved attention and affection so much that I acted up.  Definitely deserved the couple of swats across my ass, with the hand and with the leather slapper.  Her cute little friend was shown where to hit me.  I wanted to be a good girl and to wiggle my ass at the same time.
The last punishment was to be away from her and to look at myself in the mirror.  With hair falling over my eyes, and the desire in those eyes, I could see the beauty that she sees.  The scene was long but came to no real conclusion for a couple of reasons.  Asserting her dominance was thrilling to her, the humiliation was thrilling to me.  
Part of me still questions where I am in the Lifestyle spectrum because some things make me uneasy and some things I am ashamed of and some things don't feel natural.  I hardly ever feel dominant, yet I often feel that my submission is not enough.  I need to snap out of this thinking, especially when it doesn't matter when I'm with her, or the vanillas I've been seeing.  I judge myself harshly.

Even though I have not had many amazing experiences that have given me the urge to write (until last night), I have grown a lot.  Everyone - my therapist, my work supervisor, some of my friends - have commented on my "growth" lately, though it is difficult to see.
Her legs were beautiful, and as I was bent over, I admired the way her boots moved across the floor.  It surprised me how quickly my ass became red from the wooden spoon, and how quickly one my favorite toys seemed to hurt.  After calling out "yellow," her hands caressed my cheeks, which were then kissed by a flogger, gently whispering.  Then she pulled out the crop - a toy that was my first experience in BDSM ten years ago and which I had not really felt much since.  The sensation brought back a wave of pleasant memories and a surge of desire.  She brought me to that wonderful place where I can let go of everything, a trust that has been building between us for months.  This is the first time we have played in any definition.  We built this friendship based on a love of music and conversation.
As I write this, a dear friend of mine is in the hospital due to deteriorating health and a desire to not live anymore.  What a bitter end to the weekend.  My heart is heavy for the pain that he has been feeling for his whole life, and that has worsened in the last month, and I understand his perspective and respect his decision.  He is one of the people who has made me feel free, who I could spend hours listening to his theories of life or what information his encylopedic brain has gleaned.  We snuggled and let both of our pet natures play, and I am glad that many people found him as adorable as I did.  He made me laugh endlessly, yet mortality was always on his mind.  I am very blessed to have had him in my life - he has become very close to me, he was the one I turned to when I needed a shoulder to cry on.  When I left his place earlier tonight, he gave me the spices he cooked with - he often made me soup or some other delicious concoction.  I don't know how to feel right now, nor how to help him at this time.

It occurred to me last night that I have never really sat back and watched a scene take place, especially between two people I care about - I have always been involved, or absent altogether. I thought that I would feel some bad emotions, but in fact I felt nothing but wonderful feelings. I watched in amazement at a much different topping style than what I do with the bottom - she was very physical and cruel yet loving, using the bottom as a punching bag. I know that I could never provide that pain for the bottom, and it was rather pleasant to watch someone use their urge to dominate in a way that made both parties happy. I could also not handle that much pain, especially when dished out in such a manner - I can take a lot, but only after a lot of time, trust and training. They had years of friendship-built trust, and there was some negotiation, but I definitely would not be able to endure such play. We each are built differently, and watching this lovely scene helped shape my idea of who I am by indicating what does not do it for me. Although the play itself would be way too much for me, watching the top was very hot and part of me does want that loving cruelty.

What a beautiful friendship, to have both these beautiful ladies in my life. I was content to watch these ladies engage in play that satisfied both of their desires. I do not believe I felt jealous, which I normally do feel when the attention is not directed at me. Compersion? The only time I felt uncomfortable was when the three of us tried to fit onto the bed to sleep. So much positive emotions swirling, and the energy. It was too bad that I only woke up with one beautiful woman next to me, and not the other, who drove home safely in the early hours of the morning before the snow started. However, this left much needed alone time to reconnect with some I deeply care for. Although sparks have been in the air every time we have been in the same room, I was afraid of what would happen if we were together again. So happy that the barriers have finally come down and I can enjoy her without my own personal walls in the way, which had been erected for months.

I have been happy not labeling my relationships, and think that my relationship with these women, as well as the other important people in my life, will grow when I don't force them into categories with expectations.

My life seems so strange to me in the past year, with all the people that I have met and have become intimate with, yearn for and cringe at the thought of, all rolled up into one confusing emotion. I want so much yet am afraid of such wanting, and I'm not quite sure exactly what I'm wanting. I want everyone, to spend time with each individual I care for, yet I feel like I'm grasping water that trickles out of my fingers, and at the end of the day I am left empty-handed.

I am addicted to touch and constantly feel sparks with those I connect with, yet the desire burns. I don't think jealousy is the word I'm looking for, but a similar disgusting emotion overcomes me when I fall out of the spotlight, and I hate that feeling.

I don't like carving people out of my life. I don't like to hold the knife - my hand always feels unsteady and I am unsure if it is the right thing to do, but I sever the ties anyway. I don't like emotional pain, or causing others emotional pain, and it is agonizing to weigh which hurts more, to have the toxic person in my life or out of it. I do not like being unhappy and I have to remind myself that I am strong enough to sever connections that suck energy out of my heart and soul.

I was told that all I do is take, that I do not give. As a submissive, this hurt to hear. We all have needs, no matter what side of the D/s spectrum we are on. I am strong enough to communicate what my needs are and make sure that they are met. When my needs are not met, which often takes me months to realize, the axe comes down. I am strong enough to wield it and walk away.

I give what I can. Yes, it's true, I can be quite a mess with some baggage that is hard to let go of. However, I make it known from the start where I have been and what I can offer. I can give you my time, undivided attention, energy and love. It hurts when what I have to offer is ignored by someone who I thought appreciated it. I can only give so much before I am stretched too thin. I have been broken before, but I refuse to let myself be broken further.

I am sorry that we disagree about my ability to be submissive, and what my needs are. I am sorry that I misunderstood what kind of relationship we had.

I refuse to be a doormat, no matter how much I want to please you and make you happy. It absolutely thrills me to be an ottoman, when I willingly and eagerly allow you to rest your feet on me. I do not want to be stepped on and ignored.

Time to nurse my torn heart and soul and walk away stronger and wiser. I am learning why I cannot give my submission to just anyone.

 Seems I have not yet healed. Looking at the pictures of the past, seeing the transformation of who I was before I met my Master and watching myself become someone shaped by His hands. Even a year ago, the love in my eyes and the way I yearned to please Him like nothing else existed... It's been six months since I walked out, and there is no use turning around and going back in that capacity because the relationship was broken. Not sure what happened, but adding people to the relationship just made things worse - there were problems before anyone else entered our lives.
No wonder why my Mentor is stepping on eggshells. It was wonderful to feel her hand grasping my hair the other night, and to kneel on the bar floor without caring what anyone else thought. I just wanted to lose myself in her touch (anyone's touch?), and she sent me flying by pulling and yanking and petting. I feel like I am also cautious with Her. The wounds are not fresh but apparently they run deep.
I don't know what I want... if I just want play and is OK with that, and to find a partner that I can bring home to my parents. Or if I want to surrender myself completely again. I don't feel as lost as I was when I showed up at His doorstep six years ago. I have more direction in my life, I feel more whole. I cannot name this desire that is burning inside me.
And no, I am not interested in topping - the dynamic I felt with my pet I think worked out because we were both switches and had both sides of us satisfied. I do not want to be on top, I have no desire to cause pain or tell you what to do. Maybe that was a one-time thing, that my pet and I clicked in that way, and no one else will do in that role. Maybe "switch" is the wrong label, leaves the wrong impression.

I have been single for nearly a month, something that I have never really dealt with before. My last partner was wonderful, but I needed more time from them as my primary. And I thank them for helping me become more independent and enjoying living life without being constantly attached to someone's hip, but to have fun by myself, even though it has been a painful process. I am still very much learning this skill, but in the last six months I have slept in a bed by myself (with occasional company), ate dinner out by myself, attended live music and poetry events by myself, and many other things that I did not do before as an adult. And now I have a community of folks who kinda understand this part of me, even if I don't quite understand it myself. I did not want my last partner to be a rebound, but that is what happened, but they introduced me to many wonderful things and awesome people.

My heart still yearns for them, and I've been missing them terribly in the past few days, but I s'pose there was a reason why my gut said to end it when I did. I've been kicking myself for it, but despite the really great moments, my "needs" were seeping poison into our relationship and I was asking for way more than they were able to provide. My heart is not in pieces, but it is mourning what was a beautiful connection. I am ashamed that my needs are too great. I do not want to move on, but the only way to go is forward and with pain is even more growth. I hope.

Tonight I was hit on by a friendly Jamaican woman who asked if I was attached, and I said no, which is the truth. I have friends-with-benefits, crushes, and other involvements that are hard to label, but I do not have a significant other. I also went out on a real "date" at a restaurant and had a good time, but are they kinky in the way that I am?

I am so confused - I don't think I am looking for "the one," but more of a partner-in-crime. I want to be bound to someone else, yet be able to be free to have whatever relationships develop into what they are supposed to become without holding back. If there's chemistry, there's chemistry, and I want to indulge in that. But I do want to come home at the end of the night to someone, the same someone.

I miss pulling his long hair, how that made him smile and snuggle up to me. It amazes me how much longer it has grown (so it seems) since I last touched it, even though it's been less than a month. So weird to write out these mixed emotions, knowing that he as a friend and our other friends will read this. Touching someone else's hair hasn't been the same, the reaction's not the same, the intimacy not the same. For anyone else, it's just hair. But out of all things that I enjoyed about our fairly short "relationship," it was the hair pulling. I was not very harsh - I'm still new to wearing the domme shoes, and I'm not sure that they ever will fit, but it was fun to yank playfully, to own that hair.

And the hair pulling was mutual. He tugged at my hair, too, and hard, and that made my heart flutter. I've always loved my hair pulled, wish I could have it done more often. It sends a shiver up my spine the few times my Mentor pulls it (more, please?!?), and I crave for others I am with to give my hair a yank - but the vanillas just don't get it, and the submissives/bottoms have no desire to try.

I guess what I'm saying is that I miss the dynamic that was us, whatever it was. Each person we are with has a different dynamic. I hope that I find something close to what we had, because both parts of who I was were touched and coaxed and I crave to be the whole person that I was in those moments. Sigh.

I am looking at the gigantic shoes that tops and dominants wear, and then I look at my small feet. The shoes don't fit right, and I don't think I will grow into them. The few times I tried to walk in the shoes, I felt very uncomfortable and unbalanced. I don't think I even like the shoes -- I may return them to the store and get my money back. Yet part of me wants to keep the shoes in my closet, waiting for the right time to slip them back on, when my feet are less shaky.

There are so many shoes to choose from. I am slowly learning that I can wear whatever shoes I want whenever I want. Sometimes you need to throw a pair of shoes out that no longer fit (never really did) or that are way too warn. Sometimes shoes never really break in and continue to chaff you.

Not sure what pair of shoes I want to wear now. Part of me wants to go barefoot out of sheer frustration!

Every pair of shoes I've been trying on lately don't seem to fit right. In the past six months, I've discarded two pairs of shoes that meant dearly to me, yet constricted my feet too much that I couldn't walk in them. The first pair I wore every day, all day, and it damaged my feet so much that I am still recovering. The second pair looked gorgeous and felt right at the time, but the fit was still not good no matter what I did to make them.

I need to find my voice and speak up. I felt so overwhelmed at the Munch last night and the words I needed to say never left my mouth. I wanted more attention from my Mentor, to feel her touch steady me. I wanted less attention from a potential pet that left me so flustered with his eagerness. I want to get to know people, to reach out and befriend, yet I felt drowned in all the conversations.

I feel like my journey is at a fork, a crossroads, and I have no idea what direction to go in. It's as if I am doomed if I go left, doomed if I go right, doomed if I carry on straight ahead, and the path behind me disappeared.

So many decisions right now. I just want to exist. I want everyone to read my mind and take care of all my needs, no matter how contradictory they are. I feel so selfish when I speak up, but I am also selfish if I remain silent.

I want to top at the same time I want to bottom, and I want to guide and surrender all at once. I feel very off-balance right now. I want to give 110% of myself to those who I care about, but I ask for much more in return, more than anyone can possibly give, no matter how much they try and want to. I wish I was satisfied with the way things are, because one moment I am on cloud nine of bliss, and the next I am shedding tears of pain, and not of the good kind.

Just started to see a therapist, but she is not familiar with the Lifestyle (not opposed, either). How long will it take to unravel who I have become and where I have been, and when will I learn necessary skills to cope with life better?

Everyone tells me that I need to be more patient, that gratification is not always instant and simple, that I need to hold my horses. I feel like I hold my horses too close because I don't want them to leave - I need to learn how to let the horses run free, to let things be as they are and be okay with it. I want things NOW because I am afraid, and I hurt badly when I am without - I don't want to feel the emptiness that comes when I have to go home and not see you for days. That "you" is for everyone I care about - my precious pet, my Mentor, my friends. I want to cling to the high, the good feelings of being safe and happy, that nothing else matters except that moment, because when the moment ends, it feels like a piece of me disappears. I no longer feel the pangs of emptiness and I am not so much lonely - it feels like my soul is leaking through holes that are caused every time I have to be without.

I have a myriad of desires that BDSM and the Lifestyle fulfill. My Mentor says that all I have to do is ask, but I am afraid of bringing up topics and appearing as needy as I feel. I want sex - I am ashamed to ask for it and feel slutty to crave it. I want to be on my knees, to be bound up, to be walloped and tortured, to have marks. I also want to tease and make you squirm, to pull hair and to bite, to admire you on your knees, to build you up and make you into who you desire to be, to guide and nurture and love. I want so much, and very often. And my current relationships/involvements allow me to fulfill myself as I need, yet I am afraid to ask, to want more.

All Saints Day ended wonderfully, with my second time at Bar FX's Fetish Friday night. Had dinner with my pet, then went to the club with him so that he could play hostess and help out. As one of the main coordinators of the Munch, he took it upon himself to organize the Halloween party. We arrived at the club two hours early, yet nothing was needed of us and there was not much for us to help with. It felt wonderful to be with my pet and cuddle with him, pull his hair, test the riding crop. He painted my nails while we waited for people to show up. My pet looked gorgeous all dressed up.

I gathered the courage to ask M to tie me up, and since there was no one in line, there was no waiting involved and soon my arms and chest were bound. My pet enjoyed pulling me by the handle along my back. I love the feeling of rope wrapped around me, and watched in awe as M masterfully bound and suspended a pretty girl. For a while I wandered around happily, bopping my head to the music.

Then my Mentor emerged from the stairs in a stunning costume. Because I couldn't wrap my arms around her in a hug, I ran into her and nuzzled. M untied me, so I went back to my Mentor to greet her properly. It always feels so amazing to be on my knees at her feet, and when I told her I wanted to see her more, she said "show me," so it was a pleasure to kneel in front of her and gaze up at her. It centers me when she runs her fingers through my hair, then pulls.

Tonight was the first night that I had played with my Mentor. I am very shy about asking for what I want and discussing it, but I have been craving to have this moment with her. I also wanted to share this moment with my pet, because they have a similar relationship between them and I wanted him to have some play time, too. I bent over the coffee table and they lifted my skirt, using a flogger and a knotted rope for different sensations. Then we bent my pet over the bar counter, and I witnessed their exchange. My mentor looked like she was meant to wield the flogger and it made my heart flutter to watch her. After learning a little bit about how to hit, instead of offering me the opportunity to try, she had me lean against the counter beside him and pull his hair as she continued hitting him, then shared the impact between us. I would have loved if the scene continued, but we wandered back downstairs and into the crowd instead.

Before I left and felt the high from earlier (all the attention sends my mind out there somewhere) fade away, my Mentor asked me to kneel in front of her. As soon as I was back on the floor, my mind was sent back to where it was, to a happy place where nothing matters but the sensation I am feeling. I am aware and not lost, though I want to be. I have not been in subspace in a while, but this was pure bliss. I love wrapping my arms around her legs, nuzzling her, kissing her feet. I adore her and want to please her.

It is very satisfying to have both sides of me fulfilled by people I care about and who care about each other. All of us understand each other's needs and the different relationships between us, although we have not talked about what the three of us have. I want to feel this completed more often, to have my pet and be at my Mentor's feet at the same time. I have to open my lips and express this desire, but I am afraid. How do they feel about this connection that I so desperately want?

'twas a weekend of emotional breakdowns, which ended on a good note.

Yesterday was a mix of being exhausted, frustrated and over stimulated. Thursday night I went to see the English Beat with Lady Dionne after a full day of work, which led to a tired Friday. Enjoyed being at my Mentor's feet when I arrived at her place Friday morning, petting me while she was getting ready for our adventure to Salem MA. I felt content as I snuggled against her leg and leaned into her hand. Her friend, who came with us, has anxiety over many things and I think it triggered a little bit of my own as we ventured toward Halloween Town. There was so many people wandering around, tourists in costume and regular Salem folk, and it made me quite uncomfortable. My Mentor was not pleased with the little temper tantrum I exhibited, especially when she made time for us to have fun on her day off. I did not mean to let my exhaustion and frustration melt together into a grouchy mood, and after a little coaxing, I came out of it. Touch centers me, and at the end of the night, she was pulling my hair.

This afternoon, though, was a test that I am not sure that I passed. My pet has been in a very bad place emotionally, with a lot of things (out of his control) weighing upon his shoulders. I was so excited to see him, but as soon as he got into my car, something changed - I was sucked into his black mood. I feel for him, and I am super sensitive - my compassion runs deep, especially when it comes to those who I care about. I felt like he was drowning in misery, and that I also had a brick bound to me so that I was drowning too. It came to the point where he was so emotionally frozen that I felt my own heart grow cold. He needs space to collect himself, and I now understand that, so when I witnessed his inability to move, I sat down and felt myself sink further into the abyss while he was pulling himself together. I felt lost and unsure, tears running down my cheeks. I don't want to watch him be this way because it hurt me so much to see him be hurt. I pulled out a notebook and journaled a bit, calming down a little. I felt like my heart was raw, but eventually we both got up and got me some tea and we talked. And talked. And talked.

I am still learning how my pet communicates and responds to things, and he is still learning me. For whatever reason, we have completely different ways of communicating and handling situations - he draws inward and becomes silent, needing space to recover, whereas I need to be touched and held and comforted, as well as talk and write. I suppose today we both had patience with each other as we worked things out in our own ways. We are both afraid of loving each other and losing each other. Somehow while we were drowning, we latched onto each other and saved ourselves. I found the strength to give him space and he found the courage to open up/talk and eventually to look at me. In his words, "there is a light at the end of the tunnel." We will continue to work through this, and we will rise above it all, stronger and closer.

It's been a while since he rested his head on my shoulder. At that point he surrendered himself again, and it made my heart flutter. I love the feeling of our power exchange. It occurred to me that even though we had seen each other recently, we haven't had this intimacy between us in a while, and I had been yearning for it - for the desire rising inside me, desire for his body, mind, heart and soul, for the contentment he feels when he surrenders to me, when I am his owner, even before we labeled it as such. There is a certain magic between us when become that intimate, when he can read my thoughts and act accordingly even when my thoughts are half-baked. He just knows what I want and it feels right.

I have been contemplating how I feel about poly and open relationships and what my needs are, as well as the needs of those who are important to me.

My pet considers himself poly. On an intellectual level, I want to whole-heartedly support it. Emotionally, we will see what happens. Currently I share his time with school and school activities/clubs/tutoring, his friends and family, Monday night wrestling, and his top (who he rarely sees), and I've been having a hard time adjusting to not having my love be available 24/7 - the constant attention, snuggling, sex, and fun times (as well as the not-so-fun times). We are not in a long-distance relationship, though it seems that way to me sometimes because I don't see him every day. However, I refuse to hold a leash and use chains - I want him to be free, to explore. He is a very fluid person that defies every label, and that is one of the reasons I am attracted to him. I know that he loves me and that he is excited whenever we see each other, whether or not play or affection is involved. I am his girlfriend and he is not ashamed to talk about me. I am also welcomed into his family, which is both wonderful and scary.

I care so much about my pet that I do not want to hurt him, and every time I do something that is out of line with "monogamy," I still feel a sense of guilt, despite knowing that everything is fine and dandy, that he would be happy with me when I enjoy someone else's company, even if I become intimate with them on any level. It is an amazing feeling to not hold back, to be myself, to enjoy every moment and let whatever happens happen.

I am afraid to care for more than one person for a few reasons. I am (though do not wish to be) possessive. I cling to my pet and am sometimes afraid that I suffocate him - I want ALL of him, all of his time and energy, although that is not possible and is quite wrong. I also do not want to hurt anybody, whether it be my pet or the other people I am "seeing" or "involved" with. I talk non-stop about my pet and how much I adore him to anyone who listens, yet I want to appreciate others as who they are as individuals, to enjoy their being. I do not want to hurt my "others" when I make sure that my pet comes first - in my thoughts, while making plans. I do not like hierarchy, but no one is equal to my pet.

I also have a bad taste in my mouth from a previous experience of a triad that became a vee, then a double-you. Poly was difficult for me to comprehend when I devoted myself to my former Master. He chose when and how and who. I had my heart broken several times (by both Him and the woman we wanted in our live) in those last few months that we were together. i am not sure I can handle it.

My Mentor explained to me that my needs are being met by different people, and that is not a bad thing. Yet why do I feel unhappy when I spend time with someone else? I am still fighting the social norm of one man/one woman. I want to love freely - why won't my heart let me?

I have been reading Rye (http://ryethenovel.com/)

, an awesome novel written by Sam Rosenthal of Projekt Records and Black Tape for a Blue Girl. The novel is part erotica but also part social commentary and an exploration into genderqueer, parenthood, relationships/poly, BDSM and the D/s dynamic. Tonight I read a section that delved into the heart of poly, which got me thinking.

There was a devious look in my pet's eye when he pinned me to the bed after pulling out his toy bag. He bound my wrists and ankles tightly, and used the excess rope to make a temporary collar. This what I have been craving for quite some time now, and the last time I experienced this exhilarating helplessness was also with my pet. He satisfies me on so many levels and in so many ways, yet is it wrong for me to crave more? I very much enjoyed the play session, which also included the ball gag, blindfold, something sharp, biting, and ice. And to think that I was planning on using impact play on him last night...

I attended my first Fetish event (ever, besides the Munch) unaccompanied. Felt extremely awkward. I clung to whomever I conversed with because I was so nervous. I watched the rope come out and envied the several people who were bound - jealous because I wanted to be bound up badly but did not have the nerve to ask, to express my desires. Because of this, I was disappointed - I wanted and expected but did not take action. Maybe this was how the night should have gone, anyway - getting a sense of what can happen so I can prepare myself for next time. My friend hooked me up to the St Andrew's Cross and practiced with his homemade flogger on me, though my mind could not get to the place I wanted to be. Also tried electrical play with two different gentlemen, though I am not sure what I thought about it - wasn't thrilling, but I think I want to try again.

I feel balanced when I have both sides of my soul in sync, when I am both giving and taking, surrendering and guiding. There are times when I crave to give my entire self to someone, like I had in the past, but I was not quite happy. I am still struggling with figuring out what I want and need, but I am happy with my situation, with the people I am involved with, and am beginning to love myself.

I have a beautiful, obedient and playful pet. He is submissive to me, but takes on leadership roles in his daily life, including running the Munch. Not only do I find his submission beautiful, he has gorgeous hair, an angelic face and stunning blue eyes. He does not have the highest self-esteem, so I am writing this for him because I care and want him to see what I see, but also because I enjoy saying all of these things and want to shout it out to the world. =) The other day he used his mouth to pull my kneesocks off, the most adorable thing in the world to see.

I adore how cuddly and playful he is, and he is extremely eager to please. I do not care for rules and protocol - I prefer guidance, and he quickly takes up my suggestions. For example, yesterday we went out to breakfast and he left his phone in the car. A few weeks ago I mentioned that I did not like how often he used the phone when he was with me, so he consciously set the phone aside and paid full attention to me. Very proud of him.

I own my pet, but he is free to be what he wants to be and with whomever. I carry no leash - I am his safe haven. (This is something I did not have with my former Master... I was on a tight leash and was not allowed to be myself except on the few occasions he allowed it.) If he wants to frolic with others, engage in play sessions, whatever the case may be, I would be happy for him to experience that with others. And he allows me the same freedom, to be with whomever I please and however I would like to be with them, and all he wants is my happiness. He is faithful, and like a pet, has unconditional love for me - as I, him. At the end of the day, I know that all he wants to do is snuggle up to me and be petted with my hand.

I am also a pet, though I have no "owner". I suppose I own myself now, but my Mentor keeps me in check. There are times when I am "owner" of my pet, but there are other times where we play together and switch and cuddle and no one takes on a specific role - we just enjoy our time together. At first I was jealous of how my pet acted, how free he was and how I wish I was in that position, but now I am a free agent and can decide when I want to unleash my inner animal. I have been a bit afraid to be a pet again because I derived so much joy from it, and I do not want to be a pet to just anyone. I hope I trust my Mentor enough that I can set my fears aside and snuggle up to her and crawl around all happy.

Little changes trigger huge emotional thunderstorms. I can handle big life changes fairly well - in the past seven months, two of my close friends decided to extinguish the friendship, I started a new job, left my Master of five years, moved twice... but when plans change, I freak out and the stress is overwhelming.

When my Mentor told me to go home rather than wait another hour or longer (as she finishes up work) in my car across from her house, I was devastated. In my mind, we established plans for a little after 7pm, when she was supposed to be out of work (which changes often, it's the nature of her job), and I got back to Worcester from working out in Dedham. I set up expectations, even if I understand her situation and how she hardly ever gets out of work on time. I set up expectations of myself, especially since I have no one to impose them on me anymore. Instead of going home to sulk, I pulled into a parking lot and cried and cried, and cried even more when she told me to come back. Although I was ashamed of my behavior, it felt deliciously wonderful to feel that vulnerable and to have someone care for me like that. I also feel like I am a disappointment, and it reminds me of what my pet says when I ask him to do something that he can't do (so many things going on, and I am figuring out how to assert my dominance) - he does not want to disappoint me, and he truly does not.

I am always impatient when it comes to my perceived needs... such as needing to see someone I care about NOW. Or exploring my sexuality and my journey through BDSM. I want to do everything and anything with everyone right away. I want to play more and have sex and I have the freedom to pursue such, but I am holding onto my own leash with the help of my Mentor. When I want to play, I am not going to let my pet go sleepless into a big test - I am going to wait for the perfect opportunity to pull out his toy bag. I am also not going to throw myself at anyone who wants me, although I desperately want to do that. I have the freedom to be my flirtatious self, to see where things lead, but then it is my responsibility to keep myself safe. It felt exhilarating to be at the Munch on Tuesday night and karaoke afterwards, like I connected with many people on different levels without holding myself back - I was open and welcoming, not the reserved pet who felt restricted by my Master's introverted nature. I felt at peace when I enjoyed different conversations and watched my pet float around like a good host. I did not need him by my side at all times - I enjoyed seeing him do his thing.

I so want to delve into BDSM more, especially when I see pictures that trigger a yearning. I want to be tied up and have marks like that, and be proud of the pictures afterwards. But patience - it will come soon enough.

In my mind today, I felt like I was a whole human being, rather than half or a part of someone else - I have been learning what it is to be me and how to have a relationship with myself, to be alone but not lonely or afraid or sad. I am in a relationship with my awesome pet, but I am not dependent (nor he on I). I tend to cling to others, and I have fallen hard and fast (has it really been four months since we first "met"?), but I am whole without him - we are two individuals who very much enjoy each other's company. I have the life I am rebuilding, and he has his own life that he has been living, and it is quite pleasant when we share a little of our lives together - however, they are not yet intertwined. (Which is healthy - yay!)

Had an odd experience when we were together earlier. We were in my car, making out, pulling hair and biting and loving everything about it. Normally I have been taking control (still feels new and awkward to me), but lately he's been topping from the bottom - which I do enjoy. He bit my nipple, long and hard, and it made me cum. I crave that kind of pain. Then after kissing me, he slapped my face. At first I didn't mind, but then it made me sad. Instead of enjoying it like I wanted to, it twisted my emotions. I have tolerated face-slapping in the past (maybe liked it), but I felt so vulnerable tonight and it made me curl up into a slave-like mentality. I felt ashamed that I didn't like it, and it took a while for me to say so.

Now I feel unsure of my abilities. Dominating is new to me. I had no desire to top anyone, to control someone, until my pet came into my life. Even then, I do not want to cause pain; I have a hard time creating the pleasurable pain that my pet craves. Tonight I feel like I want nothing to do with it anymore - no more power or pain play. I want to be a pet again, to not worry about how to take over a situation, to not have to make decisions.

I feel incompetent, like I am a bad owner. But even now I can picture the look in my pet's eyes when he glances up at me and know that he appreciates every aspect about me, including the way that I take ownership of him. I can also hear my Mentor say, "think about the positive", and "you are growing, and communication is key". This isn't quite a slip-up, although it does feel like a mistake, an error, something that wasn't supposed to happen. However, my emotions are playing tricks on me tonight, and that is all.

The more time I spend with my pet, the more I crave to be with him and appreciate everything about him. Although it scared me tonight, I love the gray areas and the switching and the fluidity of our relationship.

I dreaded the fact that punishment seemed the best option. For a while, I thought that perhaps it was not necessary - I wanted to avoid being the disciplinarian. However, if I wanted to be a proper owner who promised to mold him into the perfect pet for myself, it had to be done. The implements that I thought would be for play (wooden spoons, which I enjoyed having used on me) turned into a tool of discipline. I was not happy about the way the day went, at all, but the act of using the wooden spoon was rather cathartic.

The offense? Not making time for me when we had plans. At first I believe that I was to blame - that I held high expectations, and I am constantly craving attention and therefore time - which I do need to learn how to control (again, patience!), however it was his onus to communicate to me what he had going on. I cleared out my schedule for the day. I knew that he had class in the morning, and had a tutoring gig later on (which it was my mistake that I got the time wrong). However, I waited hours just to spend time with him. While I was on the way to his house, he said he had another delay - another meeting that he forgot about, but was important for him to attend. I bit my lip and dealt with it. I hung around waiting for him instead of driving up to NH because I truly wanted to see my pet and spend quality time with him.

Quality time was not had. After the punishment, and the cuddling commenced, I suggested we go for a walk. He alerted me that he had another obligation he had to handle. Instead of being upset, I became hysterical. All I wanted was to be with my pet, and I couldn't have it. I was faced with a decision - to ask him to stay and spend time with me, go for the walk that I wanted, or to send him on his way so that he wouldn't get in trouble. After struggling with indecision, I went with the wiser choice, to send him on his way. And that hurt me so much - I didn't want to let him go, even though I will see him again soon.

He asked me to train him, to shape him into the perfect pet for me. There are two things I would like him to tackle right away, and I will definitely help him work towards improving:
1) Hygiene. It may not sound important, but it was the first thing my Owner did for me when I first came to Him five and a half years ago, and it changed how I looked at myself, how I felt about myself, and I was slowly able to take on the world.
2) Scheduling. He needs to know where he needs to be and at what time, so I can know when I (and some other important people in his life) can spend time with him, and so that he doesn't have to cancel plans last minute because he double-booked himself. I understand that my pet is very busy, but putting aside uninterrupted time to spend quality time with me is showing respect.

Despite how disappointed he made me, he is a good pet who is eager to please. Perhaps he is right - perhaps he does need to be trained. I think I understand now.

What my Mentor keeps saying, "PATIENCE," echoes often in my head, a constant whisper that reminds me how much work I have to do to keep myself from falling apart. She also expects me to communicate everything, so I have made an effort to over-communicate to all the people involved in my life.

My boi has officially accepted the title of pet. Although I enjoy his switch tendencies, the hair-pulling, teasing and rope work (still looking for someone to tie the both of us up!), we seem to have settled into a dynamic of Owner/pet. It just seems to fit. I feel fulfilled when he is on his knees sucking my toes, and when he is curled up against me in a vulnerable mindset. I want to cherish and spoil him, make him squirm and take care of him. What I ask of him, he has obeyed, and I love his playfulness. He is so very pet-like and I don't understand how anyone else cannot see his cuteness. I am proud to call him mine.

My pet fulfills a large part of me, one that I never knew existed, and now the most important. However, there are other parts of me and other needs and wants that other people can meet. This is also something my Mentor has mentioned. I used to expect everything in one package - I had it all in my former Master, or so I thought. I need a different mindset, one where I can embrace every part of me.

I am a very sexual creature, yet my pet is not so much. I would like to open his eyes to new experiences and would like to discover how to get him to enjoy his sexuality. He has given me consent to express my slutiness, to be with others and enjoy myself in ways that he does not feel comfortable with yet. I thrive on pleasing others and the intimacy that happens when a chemical reaction is there. My body craves being touched, and I am very happy that I don't need to stop myself when I am enjoying someone. I am still learning that this does not mean that I love my pet any less. In fact, he looks at the situation as me, being the Owner, can have multiple pets (which I do not think will happen - I am very content with him), and that he will love me unconditionally, which is what pets do.

The relationship that is evolving between my Mentor and I has been happening slower that I thought, but I have to remember patience and communication. Sometimes I wonder what I want out of this relationship, but other times I know - I want direction, to have a friend to talk to, to be my submissive self around her, and to learn how to be a better dominant. I want to sit at her feet again.

I was kneeling on the floor for some time as the urge to cuddle with her leg became so overwhelming that I opened up my mouth and spoke my desire - it was granted, and I felt such peace, snuggling up to her leg, her hand petting my hair. It felt wonderful to look up at her and lean into her hand. I wanted nothing else at that moment - I was content, especially when she pulled my hair.

Of course I still want to be bound up, restrained, fucked hard, and part of me also wants to be hurt. However, that will come in its own time, and I need to remember how happy I was in that moment. I am allowed to express this part of myself again. Also, I need to work on communication. If she, or anyone else, does not know what I want or need, then they cannot fulfill it.

I appreciated seeing my boi last week, when he was stretched across my lap, being petted, squirming when I teased. Then he spoke dirty words to me, pulled my hair and had me confess to what a slut I am. I am beginning to enjoy being a switch, as long as those parts of me are touched. I was happy to be there for him when he needed me the other day - not as a play partner, but as a significant other. I care greatly for him as a person.

Craving pain, to be bound and dominated, as well as pulling his hair and using the wheel to make pretty marks along his body.  I want to submit and I want him to squirm.  I want and I want and I want but I feel that I cannot have it, though I know that I need to be patient because it will come, especially if I ask for it.  I am too shy to ask for what I want.  I want to be on my knees.  I want to turn him into a pet.  Intellectually, I know that these desire are not conflicting.  We have a relationship that is not limited to monogamy - why is it so hard to find others to help fulfill those needs?  Part of me is not looking because I want to be with him in so many ways, but still, why does not anyone offer to get to know me in that way?  I want.

Feeling off- balance.  Need to nurture the submissive/pet/babygirl that I had become.  Although I am happy with the boi I am with, I yearn to be dominated again.

Patience to overcome the blah feeling and knowledge that contentment will return soon;
Patience to wait out the loneliness until I can spend quality time with loved ones;
Patience to work towards a body and soul I can love again;
Patience to have my (distorted) desires fulfilled.
I hate waiting, but I have to learn patience.

She told me to come over tonight. I wanted her to tell me that, to demand that of me. I don't want to openly ask, not yet. She is fairly new to my life and we click very well. We would definitely have been friends, even if she was not involved with BDSM. We have spent hours talking, learning about each other and just enjoying each other's company. Tonight we talked for over three hours. I didn't know what to expect - I've told her what I thought I needed/wanted and was not sure how the night would progress. I was already dressed up, but put on lipstick and a bow. I wanted to look nice.

The only way she touched me was during a hug before I left, yet I was very fulfilled. Every interaction with her lately, whether it be an in-person meet-up, talking on the phone, or exchanging text messages, have left a positive impression that lasts for days. She first asked me to write down in a journal the good things that happened every day. That continues to bring me back to earth and but not the same) needs. I am beginning to see that I can love someone and have needs be addressed by someone else, without emotions getting in the way. I was jealous, not of my boi's other relationships, but of the attention that he received that I wanted - I want to play with others, to be on my knees, to take a beating. But I also understand that what he wants/needs and what I want/need are two different things.

Before I left, she ordered me to kneel. Automatically I fell to my knees on the hardwood floor. It's what I've been craving. And she told me to lower my upper body to the floor, and I felt much more at ease. I was a distance away and wanted to be closure. I look up at her with respect. I want to respect the boundaries she places because I tend to blur and overstep. I know that I feel desire, but I'm not sure if I want to feel that because I see her as my mentor, and desire usually brings feelings of attachment that I'm not sure either of us could handle right now. She went into the kitchen to let me "borrow" a mug of hers because she knows how much I love tea and that I like materials objects.

I am excited to see where this relationship will go. I am very thankful that you were brought into my life.

He reached a place that he had never been before -nor have I ever been the one to bring someone there, and I thoroughly enjoyed sending him into that glorious headspace of being a pet. As a pet, you are not really a "submissive", you are just free to be, free to feel and free to need.

Today he was more pet-like than usual, all cuddling and playful and needing to be touched. Whenever I hold him to me and caress him, I feel amazing. He ate almonds out of my hand, and I also fed them to him one by one as he sat on the floor. To my surprise, he was eager to crawl across the floor as I led him by his hair.

As I held him, he whispered that he wanted to be my pet. That's asking a whole lot - I need a lot of time and attention (in a relationship, he is not very needy!), and I am also still new and uncomfortable with this new side to me. Play is one thing, to be involved in a dynamic like that is something else. Is it possible to be an "owner" when he decides to pull my hair and takes control, and I melt?

Also, the buttplug that we bought last week he tried out for the first time today, and he was such a good boy for keeping it in for nearly half an hour as we snuggled and watched Sherlock.

I have a need to submit and serve, as well as to be a pet.  I have a craving to be dominated, but this need to submit is achingly strong.  If I wanted, the boi that I switch with could top me - the play is fun but it is not satisfying.  I don't understand why this part of me won't go away and let me be happy with what I already have.  It is thrilling to see my boi tremble at my touch and see the peace spread across his face, but I long to be in his place.

If you let someone know you want to be spanked or to be tied up, even a vanilla person would understand what that means. How do I describe that I want to be a *pet* and that I crave some humiliation. Also, this play is not something for strangers and one-night stands - I need to respect and trust the individual I submit to in this way. This is not a play session - this is a lifestyle to me.

I miss being a pet - crawling on the floor, playing fetch and playing with pet toys, begging, eating from someone's hand, being taken for walks, being cherished and petted - and yet there is so much more that I can't find the words for. The training that I had honed what already came to me naturally, and now that I am unable to express this part of myself, I feel that I am not truly me.

Light humiliation may involve being a footstool, being shown off to friends and shared, being used, being cummed on. Not sure where the line is between desire and disgust.

It is hard to be out on my own and have to keep an eye on myself so that I don't get into trouble or make mistakes that I will regret. As a pet, I was trained and punished, which created great results that honed and shaped my behavior. Now I have to tame myself because I am accountable to no one else at the moment.

It is much easier to keep an eye out on others, to be there when they need me, even if they do not realize it. I am very good at coaxing people to come out instead of mope around. I also help people stay in and take care of themselves when it is needed. Rest is more important than play if you have been deprived of it for days. And talking is better than keeping everything inside.

It is hard to keep a clear mind when there are so many of life's pressures pressing down and so many needs not met. I have made some rash decisions in order to fulfill those needs.

Swallowing your own medicine is the hardest.

I appreciate the boi who has helped me through all sorts of transitions, as well as those who have reached out to me as new friends. I need all of you.

Right now I feel like my life is a mess.  Maybe because it's late and I'm lonely and have needs that have not been fulfilled lately.  Maybe because I'm not sure of what my own needs are anymore.  I have the urge to be on my knees, but no idea why or what to do about it.  No one calls to me like that anymore.  I want to be dominated!  The boi I'm seeing pulls my hair and stops there - I want to melt like the way I make him melt, to reach that place that I see on his face, the serenity of losing myself but not being lost anymore.  I don't want to make any rash decisions, but tonight I'm sick of taking life by the horns and riding it.

I can see the need in his eyes - it was loud and clear last night. He looked so gorgeous and deliciously vulnerable with the newly acquired ball gag. There was so much going on in his eyes, the love shining forth, the pure desire, the scary sense of being vulnerable that he has wanted so badly.

I remember that feeling of being vulnerable and feeling very submissive, that I would give everything in the world to please. I have set that in the back of my mind - those desires have faded away and have been replaced with the desire to please in a different way, of fulfilling what he wants.

He was not only physically vulnerable - gagged, bound at wrist and ankles, quivering at my touch, but as soon as the gag was removed, her poured his soul out to me. Again. This is the second intense emotional moment that we have shared, where he gave everything of himself to me. He told me things that he has not confided in anyone else before to this extent. The more I held and petted, the more he spoke and exposed himself. It was thrilling, to be on the receiving end of the flood of words - the waterfall cleansed me, as well as him.

On my own for the first time ever and it is exhilarating and scary.  Life has given me many opportunities and obstacles in the past three weeks.  Although I have had weak moments, I have held my head up high and continue to remain strong.  

I miss being an owned pet, but it was time for me to move on.  My needs were being neglected and communication became increasingly difficult.  I miss the tenderness and the pain, kneeling all the time and being trained.  I have been without many of those for months, even when I was at His feet.  I have mixed emotions - I want to be the pet that I was for years, but I also want to explore whatever else life has to offer.  I miss the control that He had over many decisions, but it is time for me to make my own decisions.  Thank You, Xiao, for taking care of me as I was growing up and for letting me live a wonderful life when things were good between us.  Maybe both of our needs have changed, and we are half-way fulfilling them with different partners right now.  There are many things that I crave that You used to do, but the frequency has greatly diminished.  Although I want to place blame on what happened, it was no one's fault - not yours, not mine, not the other partners that became involved in our mess.  It will take me a long time to heal - You have left an imprint on my soul and You know it.

But a new day has dawned.  I am exploring another part of me that my new partner has brought out.  I never realized that I had the desire to top.  It's scary, to be handed control and to make sure that things work out, that no harm comes to either of us.  He switches too, and sometimes I am sent back to that place of submission.  Sometimes I yearn to be put in my place again for more than just a moment, to obey and forget the world - I'm not sure if he could ever do that for me, bring me to that place.  We flit back and forth between these roles, trying to fulfill each other, but being cautious because of the cards that life has dealt us at this time.  

We are "dating," also another new thing for me.  I have always jumped from one relationship to the next, and sharing beds with strangers before, during and after relationships.  If we are not "together," I cannot fuck up, right?  When I cannot see him on a regular basis because he goes back to school in the fall, it will hurt less, no?  I am not interested in pursuing new people, besides genuine friendship, although part of me wants to remain open.  But openness hurts - I crave attention all the time.

So I was pretty sure that I was very submissive when I entered a relationship with my former Master five and a half years ago. I still crave to be submissive, to be comforted and to serve, and to be on the receiving end of pain. However, for the past few months (or has it been more?), I haven't quite felt as submissive. Perhaps I was jealous of the new submissive in our lives and how perfectly natural it seemed to her. Perhaps it was just a signal that our relationship was in the process of dying.

He welcomed a young man into our lives that made me question everything. I enjoy pulling his hair and having him look up at me and teasing, especially with the whartenberg wheel. I know very little about being on the giving end of BDSM - no idea how to tie rope or how to paddle. I just adore the look in his eyes and the way that he craves this new part of me.

But last night I felt like I was myself again. We were each topping and bottoming to each other. A fluidity of roles, no sticking to one label or staying inside once box. I wanted to feel the whartenberg wheel again, so I put it into his hands. At first he was gentle, and I thoroughly enjoyed the feeling of being pricked like that - it was super relaxing, and after all the turmoil going on lately, it was a release, an escape. Then he held down my hands and said that he was going to push down harder and go faster. And he did. I went from enjoying the sensations to cringing in pain, but I didn't call out my safeword (I have only used it only once?). He kept on encouraging me, telling me that I was a good girl, and that I could do this. It was difficult to endure, but I felt so submissive, something that I have not felt in a while. When he finally stopped, I felt so at peace. I have nice marks on my backs, but my soul feels satiated.

Left my Master of five and a half years.  I had to, and I am glad that I left without turning back.  It was a very difficult decision, but everyone I know (vanilla and kinky) is proud of me for being so strong.  

I am so scared about what will happen next - where I will live, if I will ever find myself again, if the Lifestyle is really meant for me.  So many questions and uncertainties.  I do know that I am not miserable anymore.  I tried so hard to handle my emotions, to be happy, to enjoy what I had, but I couldn't hide from what was really going on.  Something had died months ago and I'm not sure what I was hanging on to.

I destroyed the triad and turned it into a V.  I tried my best to open my heart to Master's other pet, to try to develop something just as strong as their bond.  I was, and still am, jealous and selfish.  It wasn't working, no matter what I tried to do.  Master thinks that I cannot share, and that nothing, not even a friendship, flourished because I wanted Him (and her) all to myself.  I want everything to myself - it hurts too much when I can't have it.  I had been separating myself from their relationship because 1) they needed alone time that I wasn't giving them before and 2) I felt left out from their relationship anyway.  And I am so jealous of the way that she submits - it doesn't seem natural for me anymore, and that hurts, as well.  I feel inadequate.

Not only do they have a V, I also have one.  I didn't intend on forming such strong emotions with him, but it happened.  He was the perfect balance for me, what I had been looking for (but not outright seeking). And Master allowed it to happen.  He's been aware of this mess and has been throwing himself into the fire to be with me.  I want to continue to see where it will lead, but I am afraid for many reasons - 1) That even though I care deeply for him, I have "used" him to help me dealing with my other relationships, 2) He is young, still in school, and we are not sure what is going to happen, 3) That the fun I have topping him is not fulfilling the needs I have as a submissive (if I still am one. Not sure anymore).

Master says to let go and just be, to accept things for the way they are, and to be happy with what I have.  It's so hard when I've been feeling a lot of pain.

I want things to work out for everyone involved.  I care about her, but the bond will never form.  I still love Master, although this past month has changed many things.  And I feel super strongly for the new person in my life.  I've already lost so much this month - I hope that things get better. 

Very happy with all the people in my life right now, regardless of labels.  I need all of you, been wanting all of you for a long time, and now I finally have it all. =)

Each person I am intimately involved with plays a special role and I am learning that yes, it is OK to open my heart up like this.  Still lots of emotions to go through, and every little change, even if it's a good change, affects me deeply.  But I have craved the intimacy, companionship, sex and comfort in different ways.

I have had my Master for five years, and I am very much in love with Him.  Now I have a sister/girlfriend that I am beginning to love (and I wanted a girl), and I also now have a friend/boy to mentor.  Plus no labels, so everything is evolving at its own pace.

Since we decided to not use labels and to let things grow organically at their own pace, things have been working out much better.  We are all getting the attention that we need, the three of us.  I've been feeling much better about things - about sharing, about growing emotionally attached.  I have become much closer with Blossom, let our bond develop.  I also feel more intimate with Master in the past few days, now that all the arguing and fear and pain is over.  And instead of being hurt at seeing the two of them be affectionate, I just smile.  Still not feeling the "compersion" everyone talks about, but at least it doesn't hurt anymore.  Guess everything takes time.

I don't feel like His submissive anymore because I can't handle anything.  A good girl would take these emotions and swallow them and smile and obey.  Why can't I do that?  I want to be a good girl, to give EVERYTHING to Him, but I'm not and I can't.  I am too too too selfish and only think about myself.  What kind of submissive is that?  Last night He told me to go to bed many times, and I refused.  The pain was too great for me to just fall asleep, my stomach hurt.  I am so selfish that I can't share, no matter how many times I try or how He tries to get me through it, it never works.  The thought of Him being with someone else makes me queasy.  Have read Ethical Slut, Power Circuits: Polyamory in a Power Dynamic, and just ordered Opening Up, but no matter how much I read, the pain is still there, that I am not enough for Him and never will be.  I am afraid of what is going to happen.  Will I ever overcome these feelings?  I want Him happy and to be proud of me, but all I have been doing lately is pissing Him off.  I've been wanting to cut myself for the last couple of weeks, but I have not because He trained me out of it.  How much time does it take to get over these thoughts and feelings?  We've been discussing being open for months and months.  I feel undesired and unwanted.  I wish I had the self-control to be a good girl and to please Him.  All I can think of is how I am such a bad pet and disappointed Him.

So she ended it, in my mind, by saying she doesn't want commitment.  That's fine, don't want to push anything on her.  However, I am not interested in "friends with benefits" after becoming involved in a relationship-like-thing with her.  She spent time at our apartment nearly every day - how is that not commitment?  I do not want to continue "building our relationship" if there is no commitment.  We should have started out as friends, but instead she said that she wanted a triad.  My heart is broken.  Why do you still want to play with my Master if you are not wanting what we are wanting - and why does He still want to play with her?  Poly is HARD.  It has been very difficult for me to open up and share - and every time that I do, when I let someone else into my heart, it breaks into pieces.  When I was first with Master, I messed up and played with other people - that was five years ago.  Now I have become very monogamous and not interested in ANYONE except Him.  He says that I have poly tendencies.  Well, let them loose - let me decide who I want to spend time with, just like how You spend time with others.  Maybe a triad will never work - all the ladies tend to want Him and want nothing to do with me.  Perhaps I should find the attention that I crave elsewhere.  If we agreed to the open relationship like we had in the past few months, shouldn't I be able to explore, just like He can?  I am so upset and nothing is making sense to me anymore.

Master helped me get through the dark space that I had been in, allowing me to move on from the toxic feelings of jealousy, fear, anger and guilt.  Sometimes I still feel those emotions and think negative thoughts, but I am training myself to smile instead of cry (although a good cry is cathartic) and to replace the negative with the many more positive.  I needed His guidance and direction to free myself from my own chains.  When He put His foot down, things became better.

I can tell that blossom is scared and confused, even in the throes of passion and the contentment of finding something that makes her feel good (more than sex).  She wants what we offer - stability, friendship, direction, opportunity for growth - but she is afraid of letting go of all that she is known.  Relationships are always difficult, but it must be terrifying when you never knew about your submissive tendencies.  She is such a good girl - I want to comfort her and help her through her journey.

Need to examine what I really feel.  Why is it so difficult to decipher all the strange and uncomfortable thoughts, emotions and reactions?  I've been trying to tame those negative feelings, but they always bubble up to the top and I can't hide or ignore them.  Why am I terrified instead of happy when the two of them are spending time together, enjoying themselves?  I *want* them to be happy, and I want to be happy, but I am torn asunder.  For no reason.  I hate how insecure and selfish I am.  All the advice in the world doesn't seem to help - it's a battle that I just have to deal with.  I am afraid of the monster inside me.  I am ashamed of not being the good girl for Him that I so desire.  And I hate how I am so possessive, that I secretly want the people I care for to not enjoy themselves without me.  Master says that He hasn't seen this side of me before until she came into our lives - that I've reverted to being a little girl more so now than ever before.  Why?  Why do I suffer?

Just the two of us again.  A little hurt, but I just have to bear with it.  I love Master, and we both want a "triad" - a loving relationship triangle.  She was not interested in such a serious relationship, only friends with benefits.  It was fun while it lasted, although all the emotions of a relationship were there - the good emotions and the negative emotions.  BDSM and submission is new to her and I bet that she won't find whatever she's looking for because once you discover a part of you like that, it won't disappear.  I really want a girlfriend to be with and to share with.  I still have a lot to learn, but each new experience I gain something from.

I have always had a hard time being alone, by myself, just being me and enjoying it.  When I first was with Master, I clung to His hip - He had to push me out the door and told me to get a life.  Sometimes it's hard to balance "life" - friends, family, community activities, a job (my new job is not 9-5 but is flexible hours) and being with Master.  

Now I have to make time for my sister to be with Master so she can have her needs met (still getting over/dealing with jealousy!) and so that they can let their relationship grow.  Lately their alone time has been at night (at our apartment), and I've been tossing and turning and crying and just not able to go to sleep like I usually do, but I can't be selfish and intrude on their time.  My time will come, especially since I live with Master.  Tonight, sister is coming over while I am at work.  That is good because I won't be trying to sleep - I'll be quite busy.  However, the only way to get through something is to get through it.

So many changes in the past couple of months since my last journal, and even in the last week - an end to my year of service and the beginning of a new job, and a new relationship... an open poly triad between Master, me and His new pet, who I have grown feelings for.  And as always, I fight change - even change that I want.  I will always be Master's kitty, but now there's another pet for me to play with and for Him to work His magic on.  Our love has grown strong in the five years since I first came to Him and was right away drawn to my knees - and she feels it, too.  She doesn't know much about the Lifestyle, but she is adapting amazingly well - and she's brought out the submission in me again (friendly competition, maybe?).  When I came to Master, I knew what I wanted and had been interested in the Lifestyle for years - for the new pet, she never realized that she had the desire to call someone "Sir" or to ask permission to drink beer,  I am attached to her, too.  I've never really wanted another female like this, but it's what I've been craving.  Now to remember that everyone has enough love to share!

We are both beginning to open up to new experiences - He is looking for a Mentor, I am looking for a submissive friend, we are looking for another to share our love with, but are also looking for play partners and local kinksters to meet up with.  We have been discussing what we want, learning how to handle ourselves in such a situation - jealousy is a monster that we know will arise.  We have seen it before, we both have experienced it, but we are ready to look it in the eyes and tame it.  Another adventure I am eager to partake with Master.

It's nice to be able to be myself in front of a real friend, someone who knows U/us and understands U/us on many levels.  It is always awkward to kneel at the table, in front of Daddy, in the presence of someone else.  But he gets it - he is also a submissive and understands O/our dynamic.  Master gets a sense of pride when He gives others advice, when anyone looks up to Him.  He doesn't mean to dominate everyone, to take control of all situations, but He enjoys shaping people to become the best that they can be.

I have been struggling between being the normal, public person, Master's kitty, and a babygirl - cycling between the three very fast, lately.  Have been curling up in bed watching cartoons and not wanting to do anything.  Guess the winter blues has fallen upon U/us both.

kitty feels as though she has been through a lot lately.  kitty needs to remember that her place is on her knees, no matter what happens - that is the one thing she can control in life, herself.  Being at His feet brings happiness.

kitty wants someone to learn from and to share Master with, another pet to be part of our family.  kitty's eyes has been opened to something she never thought about which resided in her soul.  The few times we have looked for someone, we have been burned.  At least we have each other until that special someone appreciates the both of us for who we are.

kitty has always had trouble communicating and looking into herself.  Finally she has broken down, almost ran away, maybe forever, because she was not aware of what was going on inside herself:

- kitty felt like she was not loved by Master, even when He said He loved her, because she was being used more often and she hasn't been enjoying it.  Master is now easing up on the using and being more affectionate so kitty feels comfortable again.

- we found a hard limit, being sexually degraded, which is part of the reason just stated above.  However, kitty did not understand why she hated Master so much after being used, why she was so hurt.  The other night, kitty snapped and we finally discovered this limit and that it was being pushed and pushed and pushed without either of us realizing it.

- kitty has been scared and jealous over this new adventure into a poly relationship with her new sister.  she is exactly like kitty, we have many of the same issues that we are working through.  kitty is in the process of eliminating those toxic emotions and is on her way of acceptance of the relationship.  kitty wants to open herself up, to embrace her sister and our Daddy's love.

- kitty needed to feel the urge to cut/self-injury to enjoy playing with BDSM again.  Without that sting of emotional pain, each touch of the flogger hurt more than it pleased.  Now she is happy to raise her ass up for more!  There was a time when kitty did not like pain, but now she craves it again.

kitty is now in a happy place. =)

kitty is feeling herself again.  Life has been stressful and kitty often snaps beneath the weight of things she sometimes doesn't comprehend.  It's nice to hear kitty's new sister's voice, but kitty could use a real hug from her in person. 

Master still takes kitty into His arms and pets her.  kitty even told Master that she wanted/needed punishment.

Right now I don't feel submissive.  I don't have any desire or fear - I just feel a hate burning inside me.

How can someone be built back up after being destroyed? Acting out and being punished was like beheading a flower - I am at ground zero again.

Is it okay for a submissive/slave to "need" punishment and pain to learn and grow?  kitty feels ashamed when she disobeys Master, but words do not cut through the walls that kitty throws up - pain tears down those walls and touches kitty's soul.  However, kitty is also afraid of pain and it brings her to tears, but she feels that they are the tears she needs. 

kitty has been speaking with a potential sister/friend/lover and don't know how to feel about it.  This new "kitten" is similar to how kitty used to be when she first met Master.  We have been talking for quite a bit and kitty has grown a little bit attached, but there are many things that need to be ironed out.  We will see where this new journey leads, one step at a time, or leaps and bounds, or whatever pace we happen to travel at.

So much going on in life lately.  kitty very much wants a subbie sister to have tea with, someone who would understand what kitty is going through.  Master has been going through a lot, as well, and kitty is very needy with attention that Master can't give at the moment because He is burned out, especially by guiding His teenage daughter and her significant other.

kitty has assumed the Mom role over Master's teenager daughter.  She definitely needs someone to take care of her in a way only a mom can do.  Dad can only do so much.  kitty had a difficult time switching between Mom-mode and kitten-mode, but thinks she finally understands how to balance it.

kitten had a babygirl tantrum last night.  All she wanted to do was be held and given attention.  Instead of communicating her need in the correct way, she acted out and was punished for it.  kitty gets very jealous when anyone shares Master's time, attention and energy.  Do any other pets feel like that?  After a night of tears, Master tucked her into bed and all became well again.

A brief article about self-discipline for submissives/slaves: http://www.leathernroses.com/submission/disciplineforsubs.htm

Self-discipline is what Master is trying to instill in kitty - to train her to be more respectful, to obey, and to act in a way that pleases Him.  kitty has always had difficulty with self-discipline, but the more she practices, the better she is at it.  kitty needs to control herself so that Master has complete control.

The three restrictions have helped kitten remember her place and where she is meant to be.  She was doing these things when she first came through Master's door nearly five years ago, self-trained and obsessed.  For a while, kitten had forgotten who she was.  It has been difficult, but kitten has been improving.  Instead of arguing about something silly such as how Master and the kids finished up the last of the delicious Trader Joy Soycreamy Cherry Chip, kitten bit her lip, looked down and calmly expressed her disappointment.  Although she almost had a tantrum, kitten was upset and yet still behaved.  Kitten still has lots to work on, but the little steps help make the climb easier.  It takes effort to reach the top of a mountain to enjoy the view.  Kitten believes that life is all about hiking up and down mountains.  Love makes it all worthwhile.

Every time kitten takes a leap forward, she slides back further.  She feels like a failure and a disgrace often.  Master says that she was put on this earth to please Him - she does not please Him very well when she misbehaves.  Why does kitten misbehave?  She's in and out of love and has a hardened heart.  Kitten only seems broken temporarily before she bounces back.  She is not slave material if she does not embrace submission.  It just doesn't come to her anymore, not a calling or urge.  At times, submission feels like it has disappeared forever. 

Master has three new restrictions: no looking at Him unless He says to, no talking without being spoken to, and if she does have something to say, to address Him properly.  Kitten is afraid what these rules will do to her.  Kitten is afraid of everything.

Kitten doesn't know anything or how to feel.  Can anything fix that?

Both Master and I have been living life as it comes at us.  I have changed significantly since I last updated my CM journal.  It's been quite a while, yet I am still trying to adapt... One thing, Master has been busy with His life - He's doing well in school (which comes easy for me, but not for him) and working on His computers and now His garden.  This has pushed me to find something to do with my time - which is get involved in my neighborhood and the city.  It still irks me when I want attention *NOW* and He is busy doing whatever He is doing at the time, but I've finally figured out how to deal with it.  Also, I've been busy with my own life, working full-time and doing my own thing.  Life is not all about sex and BDSM and fantasy.

Second, I am still adapting to the physical changes with my body.  My sex drive has nose-dived since I started the depo shot (yay for no more periods) and also stopped the ADD meds (stopping them has improved my mood swings - I am no longer ridiculously angry!)  We are still trying to figure out what works for me sexually since it seems that no matter what I am dry and hard to please, which makes pleasing Him not as fun as it was.  Also, I have lost weight.  I went from size 20 (when I first became a member of CM, I think) to now a size 14.  Which means having to buy new clothes - when we are financially stretched.

I haven't thought about the Lifestyle in months, not until Master and I looked at CM the other day.  Maybe I need to make a conscious decision to be more subservient.... Not only bring Him His coffee in bed and make Him breakfast (when my schedule allows me to), but to start kneeling at His feet again.