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DESPERATELY need a night out with my old best friend so I can bounce a whole lot of thoughts and fears and concerns off of someone I used to trust completely. |
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I think I?m going to have a very good year. Looking forward to seeing how it all plays out.
Fingers crossed. |
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My weekend has started. Now taking applications for someone to drink and make bad decisions with. Any takers??? |
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Just saw something that made me smile. It was a quote that I found quite timely. "I seriously need a good fucking from something other than life." I don't actually feel that way right now, but lord knows I have in the past. |
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I'll regret staying out in the morning. But I had a damn good night!!! Well deserved. Sometimes you meet the most interesting people. |
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When left to my own devices making decisions is difficult at times. Sometimes the decisions I make are brilliant, sometimes they are insane, sometimes they have no bearing on my life or anyone else's and sometimes they can be dangerous and stupid. I'm praying the decision I just made isn't dangerous and stupid. God help me. |
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I'm strong but I'm tired. I've been doing so well, but for some reason today has kicked my ass. I've had the most random thoughts. I so desperately need to feel wanted.
But that's how I'm feeling today. I'm sure I'll be mentally stronger again very soon. |
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Oh lord I need a night out!!! |
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Hmmmmmm, should I or shouldn't I???? I really do suck at making certain decisions. |
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I feel like an afternoon/evening of drinking and making bad decisions. Does anyone want to join me??? |
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162 days in the making. My heart is officially broken. But the healing can begin.
Til my last breath
Til I'm called up high
Til the Angels come
And I see the light....
Yes, it was that kind of love. |
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Today was both amazing and absolutely heart breaking. I wish there was a drug you could take one time to make you forget things that hurt.
But on the bright side I did have a few outstanding moments so I guess I'll try to hang on to those instead of the ones that make me hurt.
I so badly want to be happy and needed again one day. |
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20 weeks... 140 days... Why am I not over this by now??? Why does my heart still break? I'm still completely lost and broken and I'm not sure I can be found and fixed. |
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19 LONG weeks. 133 days. Still no easier. |
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I have more than a handful of very hard decisions to currently make. There are many pros and cons with each of the decisions and to say I'm struggling would be an understatement.
For nearly 10 years I had someone I trusted completely to help guide me. He knew me inside and out and I trusted him when he helped me think through hard options in the past. I no longer have that and it's killing me.
The person who knows me the next best is my sister. To say our relationship has been strained in the past is even more of an understatement than the one from above. She has very strong opinions of what I should do but I just don't really trust her.
So WTF do I do??? I feel grossly unprepared to make this decision for myself and yet it looks like I may have to. God help me. |
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18 amazingly LONG weeks. 126 days. I'm seriously having a hard time believing it. You would think it would be easier to not miss someone after 18 weeks and yet it isn't. |
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16 LONG weeks!!! It is hard for me to wrap my head around that. I've never missed another human more. |
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I've never wanted so badly for something to be a lie. I need to keep telling myself it isn't true. Because the truth is too painful. |
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I have had one recurring thought since I was 15. 31 years. During the past 31 years I've thought of many different scenarios on how I would achieve my end result, but the final result was always the same. I've been thinking about it a lot the past 48 hours. I seriously need to stop. It's starting to seem like a really good idea. |
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15 weeks. 105 DAYS! In an EXTREMELY unhappy place today. All I can say is fuck. Just fuck! |
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It's always so "nice" when the sins from your past come back and harass you. Why is it someone has repeatedly said I'll never hear from them again and yet I keep hearing from them? Again and again and again. |
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It is my belief that someone I used to be very close with both looks at my profile and reads my journal. If you do, please call. |
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Someone rang my doorbell tonight and as I got closer to the door I could see out of the glass a tall slender man. I had to say for one fleeting moment I thought my wishes were being granted. They weren't. But for a moment there was hope. I'm so silly. |
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Today was RIDICULOUS!!! I can't remember the last time I made a strong drink on a Monday. Lord it's looking like it might be a mighty long week... Side note, 96 days!!!! I'm DYING!!! |
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It has been 92 LONG days since I've had sex. But whose counting??? Oh yeah, that's right I am. But that also means 92 days since my ass has been swatted, 92 days since someone besides myself has played with my breasts. Anywho in short I need to be played with. |
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This week sucks. Every year for the past 5 years it has sucked. I used to be hopeful that one day it would get better. But it doesn't appear that will happen this year. |
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Amazingly difficult day. I suppose I can't complain as I haven't had a truly bad day in quite a long time. For a very long time I was someones baby. My submissive name was Devlynn and I LOVED it. I'm not Devlynn anymore and my god I miss her and the man who gave me that name. My heart is completely broken. But hey, this too shall pass right? |
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Hardest day I've had since my mom died back in 2012. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Someone must think I'm a real bad ass. |
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I've given up hope of finding the right dominant. Hell I've even given up hope of finding the wrong dominant. All I'm hoping to find now is a like minded local friend who might like to hang out from time to time. Why is this so difficult? |
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Need someone to drink with... (It's been that kind of day...) |
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Been a mighty hard week... I need a drink or 10. |
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Day drinking and floating in a pool is what's on my to do list today! Love days like this. |
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What's left once trust is gone? I'm confused these days if people are lying to me or if they are lying to themselves. No matter how hard it may be to hear the truth, I prefer that any days to lies. (I can't be the only one that feels this way, can I?) |
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Sex is overrated... Said no one ever! Or at least not anyone I'd want to know. I'm having a sad day and know sex would make it better. A nice hard fuck. And on the off chance it didn't make it better, I know it would not make it any worse. |
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Insomnia sucks... I sure hope it's just one night of not sleeping instead of a string of many. |
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Not liking the fact I'm starting my 44th year of life without being fucked today. I hope that isn't a sign of things to come this year. :( I like sex damn it! |
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Happy Birthday to ME!!!!!!!!!! |
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Stressful day... I feel like drinking. Need a drinking buddy for tonight. Might very well transition into a touching buddy. (Anyone local feel like drinking?) |
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OMG I'm HORNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Craving a HURRICANE or 3... And then maybe a few inappropriate actions.... |
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I need to be babied. I have an awful ear infection and am just feeling very lonely. |
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I'm getting quite tired feeling like I'm on a roller coaster. I think it might be about time to stop the ride and get the hell off. |
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FINALLY had my night out with someone I actually even met from this site. I had a very nice time... Conversation flowed very easily, he was fun to touch and was not afraid to touch back although upon thinking about it today I was a bit reserved. I'll have to remedy that if we meet again. :) |
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I think it's finally happened. I've become completely disenchanted with this site. I seriously question if there are any real, SINGLE dominant men here or at least the kind I'm looking for. To me a dominant is not just someone who beats/fucks/instructs to fuck/humilates/etc... He is someone who takes the time to get to know his sub, who treasures her and who pushes her further than she has ever been pushed but in a way that keeps her both mentally and physically safe. (Super important to me.) And yes, he may hurt her at times either through punishment or play, but love will always be there. I've had that before and fuck I want it again. But it's not happening. I'm not sure of what the other submissive women on this site are looking for. Maybe the "offers" I'm getting would make them happy. But I don't want your money (I make my own). I don't want to let you pay me to spank me for an hour. I don't want you to give me an allowance so you can fuck me any kinky way you want because your wife won't let you fuck them any kinky way you want to. I want a real, full-time 24/7 Dom/sub relationship. Both the kink and the vanilla. BUT I have to say at this point, if I want any type of "relationship" at all, I might as well make myself available to the highest bidder and just give up on the hope of every finding someone to have a real life in person relationship with. And if I can't have that, I at least want someone who will go out and get drunk with me and possibly touch one another if the mood strikes. I feel like I might as well be asking for world peace at this point. |
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I need a night out SOON and someone to possibly make bad decisions with. It has been too long since I've had a drink. |
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There are days I hate my life and would be ok if I curled up and died... Today has turned into one of those days. And yesterday was freaking awesome. This is why I try to appreciate everything good in my life as often as I can. |
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Having a sad night. So not in a happy place. :( |
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It is AMAZING just how badly my judge of character is these days... |
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Well finished my work week with a bang... Treated myself to some porn and masturbation. Now I'm ready for a nap. |
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Desperately need a night out... Good music, cold drinks, possible bad decisions... |
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My dad died in 2010 and I assumed I'd never encounter anything harder to deal with. My cat that I had for 19 years died later in the year of 2010 and quite honestly that shock me to the core. Then my mom died in 2012 (one day after my birthday no less) and once again I felt a pain I never knew existed. This past week has been even worse for me and its a miracle that I'm still here to bitch about it. Its also a testament to how much I love my son as I'm still trying to actively live... |
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Well so far tonight is the same as last night with the exception there has been no hyper-ventilating. My god, I do hope I can get some sleep eventually so I don't lose what little bit of mind I have left. I seriously don't know how I have any tears left to cry... |
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Over-whelmingly sad. A bit hopeless. Complete panic with a side of hyperventilating. Oh yes, it's a fun night around my house. I wish the voices in my head would shut the fuck up. And no, they are not schizophrenic voices, it's all me. My own worst enemy. |
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So amazingly tired of all the crap. |
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All suited up; I'm going to be the sexiest fat person at the pool. :) |
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:( I'm in a mood tonight. |
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OUCH!!!! And not in the good and fun way... :( |
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Fire Fly Sweet Tea... YUMMY! |
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Well I was my true self and held nothing back. I have nothing to feel bad about. (right?) Oh well; at least I know I tried and did all I could. Now it's time to walk away... |
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Very fine line in trying to show someone you're interested versus making that person think you're a pain in the ass. ?I think I may have crossed the line, which is too bad I really had hoped this might have turned into something great. |
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Most relaxed I've been all day. I finally just gave in, watched some porn and masturbated. Relief... |
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