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tesoro

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Friends:
SIRRANTHONYPapanhisgirls

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I always thought I knew what I wanted. Yes, I take time to re evaluate the specifics but the basics have more or less stayed the same. I wanted what most girls wanted: marriage, kids, and the white picket fence. Granted my version was a bit twisted and I wanted a dungeon in the basement, but it?s still the same. I wanted someone to come and be my king and in turn he made me the center of his world. But I?ve learned that those are just little girl dreams. They are just fantasy.


Here I stand, a grown woman who lives in?reality. I no longer have the time for frivolous dreams. This is me, for better or worse.


I call a spade a spade and that usually gets me in trouble. I?ve been broken one too many times and carry way too much emotional baggage. It?s really more than I could ever ask anyone to help with. I am an adult and have lived on my own for a while.? I pay my own bills and stay out of debt. I?ve never understood people who are drowning in debt and expect someone to ride by and fix it or just ignore it and hope it goes away. I?ve supported people like that and refuse to do it again; in turn I?m not looking for someone to pay my bills either.? I love horror movies. Bring on the blood, gore, zombies and vampires. I enjoy the dark side of things but I?m certainly not a Goth girl. I smile too much and being emo is just a cry for attention. I am a born pessimist with a naturally guilty conscience, although I?m probably one of the most goody-goody girls you will ever meet. I love easily but find it very difficult to trust. I look younger than I am, and have the little girl voice but I am more adult than most the women I know, and have been told that I?m wise beyond my years. I have an air of innocence and nativity about me, but trust me; I?ve been through things that I would not wish upon people I hate. I blame no one but myself for the bad choices I?ve made, but I will also hold others accountable for the mistakes they make. I love to read although I know my reading is not what most consider ?intelligent reading? but it is very much brain candy for me. I think that books made into movies 99% of the time suck and never do the story justice.


I?m going through a rough spot in my life right now and I?m not looking for anything at all. I?m not looking for sex and I?m not looking for a Dom. A person, a human being, is what I want, a friend with no benefits, a real friend to talk to and vent with. I understand that friendship alone is not what most people are here in search of, and I respect that. I am not someone that wants to waste anyone?s time, so I have laid out everything pretty clearly. If this profile makes me come across as a ?brat? or less submissive then so be it. I think it reflects the personality of a person that is going through a lot of difficult changes and is trying to stay within the bounds of reality without anyone getting hurt. I won?t pretend to be someone I?m not. That is just rude, dishonest and I?m not good at it.?

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8/20/2011 9:00:36 PM
Soo... I know how other people put up here that they are 'under consideration' and I never understood it really. I know what it means but never knew how it felt or what dynamic it was supposed to represent, it was either you are or you aren't. But now.. I kinda have an idea about it. Although it's funny cause it's a little in reverse. I feel like I'm considering them! Sweet wonderful people.. But all the damage has been done and I'm scared. I stay guarded because you never know what could happen. Its hard to imagine falling as hard as I did for my last family only to have it shatter and destroy me. I can't survive that again. So right now.. I'm taking it slow.. Feeling things out and starting to warm up my heart again. We will see. I make no promises that anything will last in this world.

7/31/2011 1:19:53 PM
Fetcon was a blast! Lots of things to see and people to meet. I love my friends who guilted me into going this year. They are the best.

7/17/2011 10:59:39 PM
There is so much I want to say. I know what I want but it seems near impossible. And when I put it out there what I want, any schmuck thinks 'oh yeah! I can do that!'. I don't fit into a category.. I'm not a stereotype, so please don't think 'oh! I got this!' because honestly you probably don't know what I'm talking about. I do appreciate the attempt, but please get to know me first and get to know what it is that I want and need, before you tell me that you have the magic cure.

10/20/2010 10:06:28 AM
I go to the grocery store and get everything I need to make dinner. Then I go to his house, let myself in and let the dogs out. I make dinner and have it in the oven by the time he and the kids get home. They come running in the door calling my name and fighting for my attention. We play ring around the rosy and sing ?Old McDonald? while it cooks. We all eat dinner together and play a little more till bath time. After bath time they dance around their room showing off for me, and I get hugs and kisses before bed. After they are asleep he and I sit and talk, joke and laugh. He tells me about his week, he hears about mine. And then I go home. I realize that I could do that every day. I would love to go to bed every night exhausted and a smile on my face knowing that I had the very same thing to look forward to the next day. It seems so easy? it?s my home? my family. But it will never be mine. I?ll never have that. Those crazy and beautiful kids? that insane but caring man. It?s not mine and never will be anymore. I just have to be thankful for the little bit of their lives that I get to share. Sigh?. I just have to give it up. The sooner I can stop these feelings, the better and the faster I can just appreciate what I do have.

10/7/2010 7:38:19 PM

All good things must come to an end. It has been very difficult lately. I dont really think that time heals all wounds.. but rather, you just learn to live with the pain. You adapt to the huge gaping hole that is now in the middle of your heart. You go about your day, pretending that its not there until one day you realize you dont even notice it there. then one day later.. something happens.. another loud crash of thunder and you realize how huge that hole really is and think about how long its been there.


8/20/2010 10:22:28 AM
Today marks the first time in my life that I have ever hit a huge milestone. For the first time ever I have made it to an one year anniversary in a relationship! It is probably the most unusual situation I've ever been in, but it's by far the happiest and healthiest relationship I've ever had. Thanks to him I'm able to smile and be more comfortable with myself. An extra bonus, my panic attacks have stopped and my stress level is way down!

5/18/2010 8:18:08 PM
How is it that people have issues with writing? I mean, you are from the US, you went to school, learned reading and writting but yet I would almost swear that you don't speak English as a first language. It is very frustrating to me. With text based communication you must be able to present yourself fairly well or else it reflects poorly on you.

5/5/2010 4:17:29 AM
Happiest girl ever!

2/16/2010 7:00:46 PM
I was inspired to write today.. for the first time in a long time.. and this is what came out:


Silver with purple accents circle my neck.  Every once in a while throughout the day my fingers flutter up to touch it. Each time I get a small wave of calm, a smile playing on my lips.  I'm sure that if anyone walked by and saw my private moment, they would think I was crazy.

But the small item means the world to me.  More than anything else, everything I own.  To me, that bauble is a physical representation of my soul.  It is everything I am.  It is delicate to look at, intricate in design.  The drops of color keep the average passerby intrigued and guess what they are made of.  To touch, it is smooth, almost soft.  The trinket is very durable, strong and could withstand anything. This pretty piece of jewelry that stays firmly planted on my neck is more than the bits it is made of. It is his, like my soul, his to keep for always.  It is a constant reminder that I am his for always.  The outside world may judge me for not having metal and stones wrapped around my finger to bind me to him.  Little do they know that what circles my neck makes me a part of his soul.


11/26/2009 6:42:38 PM

i got my first positive, wonderful and amazing spanking on tues night. it was just.. well amazing!
ive had spankings before, but it was always a horrible experience. abuse and such. but this time.. we learned together, played, laughed.. it was just wonderful.
his hand was amazing on my skin.. and we killed my hair brush.. but such things can be replaced. i ended up with a few beautiful marks. sigh... very happy!
Thank you!!


10/7/2009 9:08:15 PM
i must say thank you to all the wonderful new people ive met of late. yall are amazing! and thank you so much to the couple that FINALLY introduced me to needles. :) ive been wanting to try for years.

6/27/2009 11:31:58 PM
so now that the move is over.. and things are settling down its really strange to see how things have turned out. my routine is starting to slowly coming back and im getting into the swing of things.
i guess everyone has their 'moment'. their ah ha! moment.. and tonight i had a small one. i was at my parents house doing laundry (hopefully i will buy a w/d set soon!) and i was folding my towels. mom was looking at me funny.. almost kinda sad. its then that i realized whoa.. this is the first time she has really seen me in 'adult mode' so i asked  her if thats what it was.. she was seeing me do 'grown up' things.. and she said yeah with a sad smile.
i never really noticed when i made that jump from little girl/teenager to grown up.. but here i am!

6/15/2009 7:24:24 PM

I am keeping this because I think it still says alot about me..
I have not changed. I am still submissive to my core but Ive just re-evaluated my priorities. Living the lifestyle has not proven able to satisfy my need for love. I've learned that my cravings have shifted, needs have become simple wants. The cravings of my soul have begun to cry out louder than the cravings of my body.
I am still lifestyle, just no longer an active member.
The more I grow and learn about myself, the more I realize that I do not have to be in an obvious Ds relationship for me to do what comes naturally. Just because one claims themself a Dom, does not readily make them one. Same with someone who does not yell it out or label themselves, does it not make them less of one. Same goes with submissives. The small intricate weaving of the things that come naturally to me, fall perfectly into place with what I am growing into. With a little work, and alot of understanding I think I can finally be who I was meant to be.


4/25/2009 11:07:32 AM

i put a few new pics up.. just me.. my not-so-new haircut.. so.. yeah. these are very current.


4/21/2009 8:59:51 PM
another huge life change. i dont want to talk about it right now.

2/17/2009 10:49:10 PM
so today is 6 months since i made one of the best decisions of my life. at the time i was unsure, i cried alot and did things to harm myself, anything to get the pain out. but making that huge leap of faith has brought about so much self discovery! the last 6 months have been strewn with firsts.
there is still so much to figure out, and so much to get right. but i think im on a good path... one that makes me smile and laugh like i've always wanted.

1/8/2009 1:48:52 PM
maybe its just me..and i normally dont write like this but i am really tired of 'pretend Doms'. i've run into more than one of these people and its just mind blowing. now, not the ones that are just really kinky people.. or the ones that think they know what they are doing and dont. i'm talking about the ones that think that they are dominant because they ordered their submissive to make all the decisions. really? wtf!? just because you order someone to make all the decisions and take care of you doesn't mean you are dominant! it means that you are secretly a submissive and dont want to give up your false sense of control.  its very irritating. i find myself wondering how people who are grown adults can make it so far in life without being able to independant for even the slightest bit of time.
i understand the rush someone must feel knowing they are in control, but if you cannot take on the responsiblity of your own life, how can you be responsible for someone else's?
sigh.... total exasperation... now i dont mean all Doms.. and yes having a submissive plan something is great but.. everything? every inch of your life? yeah.. thats just not for me. makes me feel like i am the one in charge and raising someone else's child that they should have raised 20+ years ago.

12/6/2008 10:51:25 PM
Instead of going through and redoing my entire profile.. i just want to make a few updates about things.
A. as much as i appreciate the comments on how beautiful my hair is, i no longer have it. i cut off 12in and donated it to a good cause and i feel great about doing it. however i will be growing it back.
B. i am currently with a wonderful man whom i care about alot. granted it is not my normal situation which seems to work for me since i feel for him in a different way.
C. although my current relationship situation is vanilla i am not looking for anything else. i love him alot, and he is very understanding about me and who i am.

Thank you very much to everyone who has been so polite and sent me well wishes. i hope you find everything you dreamed of.

8/27/2008 1:29:59 PM
Sadly, i no longer have a Domme. I think we were both at fault for what happened. i love her still, but i suppose it wasnt meant to be.

6/8/2008 7:28:37 PM
its amazing how a pretty little chain necklace and a pretty little heart on it can mean the world to a girl. but yet.. it is one of my most prized possessions.

5/15/2008 9:00:34 PM
So by the time i finish writing this entry it will be my bday. my 25th.. im quarter of a centry now. seems silly.. but its how i view the world. because of my forsaken work schedule i will unable to have any real quality time with my Miss for my bday so we went out to dinner tonight (the 15th) and she gave me a temporary present until my real ones get here. i finally have what ive always wanted.. and im glad it means as much to her as it does me.. that she takes it as seriously as i do... i am officially hers.. not in words alone... i am now officially collared! she said that my permanent one is coming and the one i have now is just a token, a place holder for what is to come, but it bears as much weight to me. i love it, and im so happy. to start my new year off knowing that i finally do have a place in this world. that i do belong to someone and she can really see me next to her for a very long time. i love her soo very very much! thank you Ma'am, for everything! 

5/3/2008 8:46:17 PM
so... here i am. I have the most amazing Domme ever.. we finally have a place together and as soon as we can magically create more hours in a day we will be moved into our new house. my jobs are going well and you would think that things are next to perfect. i am almost officially a 24/7 live in submissive. but yet... there are the boys.
my Domme wants a boy and i respect that and will support anything and everything she decides. She will talk to a boy and really start to like them but then.. they lose all ability to think and mess it up. really.. is it that difficult to be honest and stand by your word? just to let you know.. you stupid boys out there.. you are ruining it! my Domme is a wonderful and amazing person. you would be so lucky to even know her and if she was to want to see you rt.. you should feel blessed. to be honest.. she is not super hard to please and make happy. be yourself, be honest and very simply serve. but yet.. they still screw it up! it makes me rather frustrated with things. i serve her to the fullest.. and her happiness is my priority, even if that happiness consists of her being with one of you. really you should remember that in being with her.. i will probably be your best ally. you dont make it easy for me to help your case. for the love of the gods and goddesses.. just be REAL!

3/10/2008 3:31:06 PM
she's home!! she's home!! im soo glad my Miss is home! although she came back minus a relationship.. she is home in one piece. i cant wait to be with her for real 24/7. being in her arms, cuddled up and warm.. i love being there. although.. it might have its downfalls... i dont know how im going to bring myself to get up in the morning to go to work...

3/2/2008 8:18:43 PM
i thought i would update my pics. this is me now.. my Miss's baby girl. the other pics were just getting outdated and were me at a different time in my life.

3/1/2008 5:37:18 PM
i miss her so much. Miss has only been gone for a week and it feels like longer for some reason. we normally go time without seeing each other, but its because we both work and have obligations, not because she is across the country... sigh...
but i did learn something very important tonight. she loves me (well i knew that already) but im also her baby again. i also learned that im her precious.. her princess.. my heart hasnt felt so full in so long. i know she loves me and cares for me, but for her to say those words.. means the world to me. i am a horrible judge of what goes on in her mind, and i knew she felt those things for me, but to have them in words.. they feel tangible. i miss her and cant wait for her to come home.

2/18/2008 5:15:46 PM
i finally got to meet my Miss's other. it wasnt as bad as i was afraid it would be. he seems nice enough.. genuine.. and he seems to care for her. he seems fun.. a bit quirky like me, which drives my Miss crazy! so that is definantly great to have a partner in crime :)
i am happy things went well.. although im still a bit cautious. she knows that as much as i am hers, part of her is still mine, and i am protective of her in my own way. i just dont want him to hurt her. i trust her judgement and we talk about how we each feel better now. communication is so important, especially with me. i still need to learn to communicate better (ie. actually finish a thought before starting to tell her about it in the middle, which has gotten me in trouble.)
things are well.. and im fairly content about what is going on. we'll see how this all goes! all in all though, it was a great weekend.

1/16/2008 9:15:14 PM

my Miss and i had dinner tonight. we talked alot.. as always.. and we were both able to be very open. i asked her to read part of my personal journal.. and i think it really helped her understand where im coming from. when i am around her, i really struggle for words. so by putting them in writing it helped me think clearly away from her, and have her understand what i struggle with. but ive come to realize.. im now ready to accept the change. im ready to plow through my fears rather than tiptoe around them like i have done for so many years.
!!!she loves me!!!


1/1/2008 8:13:13 PM
i have to be the luckiest girl in the world right now. i was able to spend the new year with my Miss. i love her so much, and she loves me. i am absolutely sure of that. i feel so blessed to know that my dream of 24/7 is just around the corner. things are very good. i love the way this year has started.

12/21/2007 11:33:56 PM
i got my christmas present 2 days ago and im still getting used to it. my nipples are now peirced but these huge hoops are annoying! i cant wait to put bars in and go about my life. my Miss said she was so proud that i didnt even flinch when i got them pierced, took it like a pro :) the piercer was also a tad impressed. that same night we also went to a movie with a good friend of mine, and although i know i was being a bit cranky thankfully my Miss was kind enough to understand. fresh holes can make one a bit cranky.. also lack of sleep and food. the last 2 of which are really my own fault, but she is so very patient with me.
i love spending time with her, figuring her out and learning more and more every day how to make her happy. i also love when we are able to communicate and understand what is going on with each other. sometimes i realize im soo off base with what i "assume" she is thinking. She is a very complex woman, and i may not understand some things, but i love her and i know she loves me.

12/16/2007 2:20:35 PM
ive learned my lesson. i know that i must be more patient with things.
I had my second ever punishment from my mistress last night, and it ranked up there. maybe because i know she truely loves me and i was punished in a way that is very particular to me.
Never again..i'm going to try so much harder.. i want to be perfect for her and never have to face that again.
*edited because im lame and forgetful. i apologize ma'am*

11/22/2007 8:32:28 PM
i was able to spend the evening with my Mistress yesterday and it was wonderful. She isnt feeling well so we just watched tv and talked. i have to say that just being in her presence makes everything better. ive been having a crappy week and have had some weird emotions, but i forget them all when she is around. all the horrible things in the world seem to disappear from my sight and all i can see is her. i love her so much and cant wait to be hers 24/7.

10/4/2007 7:00:35 PM
she loves me! now i just hope i can be enough.. i hope i can be the best for her.

8/29/2007 8:21:14 PM
she knows im nervous and that im a little scared. but has been so absolutely patient with me. she knows i dont handle change very well and has been so supportive about it. i just hope that she knows that no matter how hard my mind tries to fight the current that my heart is already down stream safe with her. no matter how scared i am.. i cant deny that im already hers.

8/11/2007 6:21:12 AM
school starts in about 2 weeks and im so excited to be going back. i actually, finally got things moving in that department and im thrilled! hopefully i like the class as much as i think i will. if everything goes well then im going to transfer to a university in the spring.
a few other things in my life are changing.. and hopefully all for the positive. but things are still rolling and i havent figured out where the ball is going to stop yet. but until it does im going to smile and have fun!

7/21/2006 8:33:16 AM
i figured my pics were getting a bit old and thought i would put some new ones up. all of these are from this year so far.

5/22/2006 8:59:02 AM
another year older and things are looking up. my new year in life is starting out with everything in the right direction. im soo exquisitly happy with my One and our plans are moving forward. finally.. my reluctant paitence has paid off.

9/8/2005 2:31:35 PM
to be so madly in love with my Master and to know that he loves me just as much is so amazing. i think i'm in heaven.

8/2/2005 9:07:16 AM
i think i just dreamed the whole thing up.

7/7/2005 8:17:49 AM
so.. everything was going ok. and then.. i think i disappeared today. i just seem to be invisible to everyone and no one wants to talk to me. was i like voted out or something? i didnt think i was back in 3rd grade. oh well.. hopefully i'll reappear soon and it will all be ok again.

5/25/2005 7:53:39 AM
why is it that nothing can ever be easy for me? do i just attract difficult situations or do i create them myself? sigh... i think i live in a constant state of confusion.
i am a simple person, so why is it that the rest of my life can't be simple too?
i know who and what i am, i have accepted that. but, my head has always been in the clouds, since i was small i was always idealistic and having to come to terms with reality has been hard for me. so now i dont know what to do. blah.. reality sucks.... maybe i can create my own world where things go right and i know what happy is..... yeah ok.. dreaming again!

4/3/2005 5:35:46 AM

Just so that everyone who takes the time to read my profile knows, I am not looking for a Dom or a Master. I simply want friends. I am talking to a wonderful man already and am waiting to see where things go. No, I dont want to just "play', and no I dont want to do anything that would make me have to lie to him. Please, all i want is a friendly person to talk to, not someone who is going to try and jepordize something before I have it. Thank you to all of those who have been so very sweet to me.


2/18/2005 5:53:57 AM
i suppose i should write an update in my journal. i no longer have a Dom. no one is really at fault, there were just too many personal things that had to be worked out. i wish him the best in everything and hope that everything works itself out.

1/18/2005 7:38:57 PM
i've noticed that finding people here to talk to and be friendly with is a difficult task. i'm not exactly sure why that is, but so far it has just been fact. i feel i should say that yes, i do have a Dom and things are going well with us. He allows me to talk with whomever i wish as long as i respect him and i honor that. i do love to talk to people, and i normally have a wide variety of friends. for some reason i assumed that having a BDSM community meant that people supported one another, as in friendships. but that is what i get for assuming once more.
i have met a few wonderful people here.. Doms and Dommes alike and my life is much richer for that. unfortunately i have also met those that think they can dominate anything that crosses their path. so please, all i ask for is a friendship, someone to talk to openly about things that the mass population may not understand.

9/11/2004 7:11:58 AM
thank Y/you all for your emails. i guess i always knew that it was just a matter of personal taste about "goth" clothing. i am sorry if i offended anyone by making my generalization. it was just an observation.
i wish everyone well and i hope everyone is hanging in there in FL... darn hurricanes..

8/18/2004 12:49:58 AM
i never thought i would actually write a journal entry on here.. but now look at me. i guess it is just because i went through alot of profiles tonight, looking at pics and reading profiles and journals. i noticed that alot of the pics are really nice, especially the black and white ones, but, i also noticed that there is a whole lot of "gothic" clothing going on. maybe im just way too new to know, or just ignorant to the whole thing, but i didnt think that Ds and gothic went hand in hand. submission is a state of mind to me, not what you wear. maybe that is what my problem is.. im too "perky", too giggly and smile too much. oh well, life goes on.

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SairBair
 
 Age: 28
 St. Petersburg, Russia