Collarspace.com

Horizontal Line
Vertical Line
Horizontal Line

Horizontal Line

Vertical Line

Let's get this out of the way first: I am OWNED. If you are looking for a playmate, don't waste your time with me.

I'm curious about a lot of these things, but not experienced. I have my own fantasies and desires that I would like to explore with my D and I hope to learn from the more experienced kinksters here.

It isn't my intention to lead anyone on. That isn't part of my character, so I am going to be upfront here, so you know what to expect from me. I'm not looking for any playmates and I don't plan on meeting anyone from CollarMe IRL. Please don't send me messages if you are looking for possible playmates, because you will only be wasting your time.

I'm still getting messages from interested men, so I think I need to be clearer. My D reads my journal every day. He knows my password. He can read your messages, although so far he has only read the ones I've told him I thought he should read because I found them entertaining and I thought it would amuse him. He knows he can trust me, because I tell him everything. We keep no secrets between us.

I have subscribed to some journals. I mean no offense and it doesn't indicate interest in beginning a D/s relationship with you. I love reading blogs and I'm interested about the lives of other people who are into BDSM. If it bothers you, I apologize.

***WARNING:
Any institutions or individuals using this site or any of its
associated sites for studies or projects - You DO NOT have permission
to use any of my profile or pictures in any form or forum both current
and future. If you have or do, it will be considered a violation of my
privacy and will be subject to legal ramifications. It is recommended
that other members post a similar notice to this or you may copy and
paste this one.***

Horizontal Line

7/28/2010 2:01:57 PM
Please. Everyone stop using colors that make it impossible to read your journal entry. Please.

It's extremely annoying.

So is black against dark blue and white against lavendar and lots of other combos. Just make it easy to read. Please.

7/25/2010 9:24:30 AM

He woke me up yesterday morning by reaching between my legs and stroking my pussy. He leaned over and whispered dirty things I had written in my journal the night before, asking me, "Is this what you want from me?" after he whispered each fantasy in my ear. Then he fucked me. It was a good way to start the day.

We talked more about what we both want, about each of our fantasies and what we should do about them.

I told him that the problem is that in my fantasy world, there are never any serious decisions to make, there are no adult decisions, there are no real issues. There's only me, him, and his cock. He said, "I really like Fantasy World." I talked about my fantasy about the kinky 1950s household, the one where that makes me feel like a pampered cared-for sex kitten who is there just to be cherished and fucked. Fantasy World is a fun place, but it's a simple place and real life isn't simple at all.

The problem is that in the real world, there are real decisions that have to be made, and I always expect to be a part of those decisions. 


He knows me well enough to know that I would never be completely submissive to him. He thought that the idea of me being a total submissive was laughable. He laughed so hard he was practically guffawing. He said, "Yeah, I know! I figured that out!" I didn't know whether I ought to be proud or embarrassed at how hard he was laughing! He obviously doesn't think submission comes easily or naturally to me.

He would be foolish to even want me to be totally submissive to him. There are things I'm much better at than he is, such as investing and money management. He learned that very well after I insisted that he should invest in a particular way and I made certain financial predictions regarding certain things and he did not heed my suggestions because his friends or the news on TV or his parents disagreed with the predictions I made. Four times now that has happened. All four times I was right. I haven't been wrong once and I knew I wouldn't be. This is something I have a natural talent for and I know when to trust myself. He hadn't learned that about me yet and he missed out on literally hundreds of thousands of dollars of opportunities altogether by not trusting me. The next time I recommend a good investment, I'm sure that he'll listen. He's admitted that he's kicked himself for not listening to me. He even reluctantly admitted, "You're always right." I know.

There are other things, but I think I've made my point. I'm very good at a lot of things that have nothing to do with sex. If you had a valuable advisory resource like me that could make you wealthier and improve both your lives in many different ways, would you use her to only bring you drinks and suck your cock and call you "Sir" just because you wanted to make all the decisions? That's what so many DD relationships are like to me, husbands who don't see their and utilize their wives' full potential because their egos can't handle it or because they never mastered the skill of conflict resolution, and we aren't going to make that mistake.

It seems like a lot of subs and slaves are people who just don't want to grow up. They want someone to take care of all the hard decisions, making money, and be the responsible one. It's interesting that so many of them call their Ds "Daddy" because that's what they really want. They want to remain children forever. That isn't me.

It seems like some Ds just want a housemaid who performs sexual services for them. Most of those Ds don't seem nearly interesting or attractive or appealing enough to be worthy of "worship" so their wishes seem like a hopeless fantasy. Other Ds seem to want the same thing, but they in addition to wanting a nymphomaniac house servant (who thinks pale weak penniless overweight men are sexy) they also seem to have a bottomless emotional pit and they hope that a slave's devotion will fill that pit and make them feel loved.

My D isn't like that. Maybe it's because he's intelligent, successful, handsome, muscular, and he's got a great big pornstar cock. Maybe that's why he doesn't feel the need for artificial ways to boost his ego. He's only interested in whatever would ramp up the kink in our lives. I adore that about him, his confidence and how balanced his ego is. He knows how much I love him and adore him. He doesn't need my submission to him in order to prove it. He has a demanding job that involves managing a lot of people and make a lot of decisions. He doesn't have the time or the interest in managing me to the extent that so many Ds manage their subs. He doesn't want me to stop being me and I don't want him to stop being him.

So that's where fantasy and reality fail to meet, where our real life relationship dynamics are far from the D/s fantasies that turn both of us on. I'm aroused by the fantasy of him having control over my life and being submissive to him because I've had some of those fantasies since before I became a woman and for other much more complicated psychological reasons, but in reality that wouldn't be a good idea for either of us.

I suggested a compromise where I give him control over very specific parts of my life for the fun of it. We could make a game of the unimportant stuff, the mundane stuff. Maybe it would make the boring stuff like housework and my workouts a lot more fun. It's not critical how or when the laundry gets done, so getting an erotic punishment over failing to do it is perfect. Getting an erotic reward for being a "good girl" is also perfect. I like it. I suggested that anything new we try, we should try it out for just a week, and then discuss how it's working, if we need to make changes. He thought that was a great idea.

He told me that he likes the idea of restricting my masturbation by requiring me to complete some task and then calling him before I can begin masturbating. He said that he may tell me to stay on the phone with him while I touch myself. This idea turns me on. I am still considering what I want to choose as the task/s or chore/s that this punishment will apply to.

He suggested a possible punishment, restricting me from masturbating the next day. He said that he wouldn't fuck me when he came home unless I completed a punishment task for that day. My D knows that I masturbate a lot. I own lots of sex toys. He knows that it would drive me crazy not to touch myself and that I would be wild to fuck him when he came home.

In addition, I like the idea of being required to perform certain erotic tasks or practice certain erotic skills for him, such as anal training for his enormous pornstar cock. His cock won't fit in my ass without a lot of preparation. He loves anal sex, and I want to have more anal sex with him. It would be fun to have "anal punishments" or be required to use anal toys to prepare my ass for ass fucking.

As I mentioned in my previous blog entry, I also like the idea of certain grooming habits being subject to discipline.

I like the idea of the Punishment Book, used in schools to list the offenses that are subject to punishment and what sort of punishments would be given. They were also used to record what offenses there were and which punishments were given out. I think I might like a punishment book. I must think some of things over some more, but we are moving closer to something.

Last night, I asked him to give me a taste of how hard a discipline spanking would be. He spanked me, harder than usual, very stingy, but it wasn't too hard. I yelped and kicked my feet up involuntarily a few times, expecially when he hit several times very quickly, which hurts more than when he spaces the spanks out. It wasn't too scary, but ouchie. Immediately after he fucked me hard. I was happy.


7/23/2010 7:36:46 PM
I'm not looking for a playmate. I've already got one. I joined CM to explore new things and figure out what I want.

I have always had submissive fantasies, some of them fairly extreme, and I find myself aroused by some fairly violent and disturbing porn clips on xvideos. I'm trying to find that line between what I want to try and what things are more fun left as a fantasy. I'm trying to figure out what I really want.

IRL I have no desire to be a slave, at least not like the ones whose journals I've read here or who discuss their relationships on the message board. I'm not aroused by most of the accoutrements or common practices of BDSM. In lots of ways I'm very vanilla.

For example, I'm not a masochist, and I probably have a very low pain tolerance, but for some reason, the idea of him punishing me and having the power to punish me turns me on. I like it when he spanks me. I wish he'd spank me harder. I'm afraid of him spanking me too hard. The thing is, I never get wet or aroused while he's actually spanking me, but I'm turned on after and before when I think about it. He's never spanked me to punish me for anything, just for fun and it frightens me, the idea that he might go too far for me, but it also turns me on. I fantasize about him forcefully fucking me after he punishes me for an infraction, or coming up with creative ways to make me sorry that I've crossed the line. I fantasize about sucking his cock to thank him for punishing me if I deserved it, or him fucking me as part of my punishment. I could never go as far as most of the slaves here do. I don't think I could be caned. I don't think I could handle most of the extreme punishments and I really don't want to.

In certain ways I think what I want is to straddle the line between a sex slave and a wife in a domestic discipline relationship. In other ways, what I want doesn't fit either mold at all because I'm not willing to give up certain aspects of control over my life, or alter the relationship dynamics that we have between us to the point of complete submission to his every decision. He doesn't want that either. His tastes mostly run to the sex play, and I have a sexual fetish about him punishing me over infractions and failures, but I'm incapable of embarking on a complete Taken in Hand sort of relationship. I think he is also. I'm trying to find the compromise, the way to make all of our desires work for us.

Take the collar. I understand what the collar symbolizes and I quite like the symbology of ownership, similar to a wedding ring, I just don't think a collar is for me. He can imagine me in a collar, but I think that's more about wanting me nude in nothing but a thin piece of leather around my neck than anything else. Forget about tattooing or branding me. I have no tattoos and I plan on never getting one. I am aroused by the idea of some other symbol of ownership, perhaps a necklace or a piercing or something.

I can't imagine calling him Master or Sir or any other title outside of a role playing scene, or outside of an actual punishment scenario. I think I prefer to use his real name. I know I would be turned off if he called me slut or whore or slave or fucktoy. I wouldn't mind if he called me pet or some other affectionate nickname. I have even fantasized that he privately renames me, something meaningful.

I fantasize about worshiping his cock more often, maybe ritualistically, but not so regularly that it becomes mundane. I could call him sir while I'm on my knees with my face in his lap. I fantasize that I would be naked while I service his cock. Sometimes I fantasize it like it's a kinky 1950s household. He'd come home from work and I'd be wearing nothing but an apron. After kissing him hello, I'd fetch his drink and lay my head on his lap while he petted my hair, and then I'd take off the apron and suck his cock while he relaxed. I fantasize about him fucking me more often, using my body more often for his pleasure.

I fantasize about him punishing me for certain kinds of infractions, such as failure to do certain chores that must be done every day, or certain tasks, maintaining certain grooming habits, such as keeping my pussy free of hair. I fantasize him requiring me to maintain training schedules, to keep my ass ready for him, to make my pussy tighter, to practice deepthroating his cock to get ready for him when he wants me. I wouldn't want my life micromanaged, or for the realm of things I could be punished for to extend to every aspect of my life, just certain areas. I guess that's how I want my relationship to be different than most domestic discipline couples. I don't want him to make every decision, to punish me at his personal whim over any aspect or decision I make in my life. That's too restricting and too much control and I know it would make me unhappy. We still need to function as a couple. It stops feeling sexy and fun and starts feeling like real slavery to me if we did things the way most domestic discipline couples like to do it. I have no urge to give up complete control of my life to him, and I don't think he wants complete control over it. He doesn't have the time or energy for that. It doesn't interest him.

I know that he fantasizes about controlling my orgasms, regulating how many I deserve that day, or ordering me not to masturbate until I've completed certain chores. I love masturbating, and the thought of telling me when and how I can do it appeals to him. I know how much it turns him on to put an anal plug in my ass before I do the housework, knowing I'm preparing my ass for his cock.

He loves it when I thank him for doing things to me when we're having sex. That's a very Dom thing for him to do. He likes spanking my bottom. He likes telling me what clothes and shoes will turn him on.

I have more extreme fantasies. I often have rape fantasies, a contradiction in terms, obviously, but everyone knows what it means so I use the phrase. One cannot be raped if one is filled with desire for a particular person to go through the motions of the act, and I dream of it. Hence an actual fantasy of rape would be to be taken against one's will, but I don't fantasize about that. I fantasize about him taking me forcefully in certain specific scenarios. Rape means without consent, and he doesn't just have my full consent, I lust after the idea of him playing out these scenes with me. One of my recurring fantasies involves a prison scene, a guard who abuses his power. Another recurring fantasy is of other abuses of power, a man in authority taking advantage of poor helpless me as a housemaid or a student, for example. I have kidnap fantasies. I have fantasies of a mysterious man who stalks me and rapes me and then disappears, then stalks me again and rapes me and disappears again, each time raping me in a different place in a different way, forcing me to enjoy his cock in my bed, at work, in a parking lot, in my backyard, he could take me at any time, any place where I might be. In this fantasy, I never tell anyone and I secretly crave him, constantly looking over my shoulder, secretly hoping he's there watching, about to attack me again. I want my boyfriend to act out these fantasies with me.


7/23/2010 3:54:56 PM
Help a newbie out? Is there a reason why I can't seem to post on the Message Boards? Every time I go there it says I'm logged in as "Guest" but collarme.com says I'm logged in as "tempted" and when I go to register for the message boards, it sends me back to the registration page I used to create this username. Am I on some sort of probation? Or is there some process of registering for the message board that is separate from collarme.com that I just can't figure out? 

Vertical Line

Horizontal Line
Horizontal Line
abidap01
 
 Age: 23
 United Kingdom