I wrote this back in March but it's been on my mind lately. Cathartic writing? Perhaps...Maybe just a window into my devastation.
I do bodywork on animals: massage and chiropractic. I got into it through my work with horses, coaching and training. Both fields have taught me the importance of alignment. If the body is misaligned, it can not perform to full potential and injury is not only possible, it's probable. A misalgined body has less strength, less flexibility, less fluidity, and less ability to heal.
In riding, if you are not properly aligned with your horse, you impede his movement, you prevent the behaviours you strive to attain (suppleness, relaxation...). Your alignment to other people is important too. How many disasters have resulted from getting involved with the 'wrong crowd'? To succeed, it is important to align yourself with those who share your goals, your ideals, your principles. To align with the wrong people is to sabatoge your ability to achieve your goals. It is also possible to have a misalignment, an incongruency , of words vs actions. When your words and actions are not aligned, you hurt the people closest to you: they can't trust you, rely on you, believe you. You are a liability to the herd, you cannot be counted on. Sometimes the misalignment is unintentional and unconscious but the result is the same. I'm seeing a lot of it and finding my tolerance is quickly dwindling.
I'm grieveing major losses. My immanent future holds more losses. I need honesty from those nearest and dearest to me, not lip service or pretty words.
When what you DO and what you SAY do not align, you are TELLING me something very clearly.
When you decided to end an 8 year, attempted poly, childless relationship with me to immediately persue a monogamous, childbearing relationship with your roomate who you plan to begin trying for children with in the next 8 months and you say to me "But we can still have sex", you are delusional. You are telling me you feel guilty for the abruptness and calousness of your decision. You are trivializing my poly heart and the depth of the love we shared. You dishonour our relationship and the new one by taking no time/space between to find yourself and grieve the loss....and it IS a loss, even if it's right and for the best.
You are misaligned.
When you ask me, on our anniversary, if i would like to "Have relations", despite my having told you how painful i find the phrasing, you are telling me that sex with me is a duty, an obligation, and there is no joy or spontenaity in it. You are also telling me that my feelings about it do not matter. If you think it's cute to play old, sexless, married couple, you will, regardless of how painful i find it.
You are misaligned.
When you tell me i am your "best friend" but you can't be bothered to call, text, email, communicate in any way, you are telling me i am not important to you but you want me to think i am.
You are misaligned.
When you say you love me, but there is no room in your life for me; when you have to set aside a day to fit me in, then spend half that day doing chores you didn't have time for the rest of the week, you are telling me i am a low priority for you, i am not worth making time for, i am another chore to deal with.
You are misaligned.
When you tell me you cannot take a day off work to hold space and be with me after i make the impossible decision to euthanize my soulmate, but that you're free the day after, you are telling me that your job, your money, are more important than providing the support you claim to offer me. You are telling me that you offer your love and support to me only if it fits your schedule and my current grief is inconvenient for you. i resent you for it. I'd rather you didn't offer.
You are misaligned.
When you "take sex off the table to avoid awkwardness" for me because i am hurting and you are trying to be compassionate you are telling me you can't read me and can't or wont ask for clarification of what i want. You clearly don't know me, you don't know what to do about my discomfort. Sex is the foundation of the relationship and you've offered little to nothing to take it's place. You are telling me you find it awkward not to know what i want and are uncomfortable when i tell you i don't know either. You can't wait, you are in a hurry to move ahead. I got the message.
You are misaligned.
When you tell me you want me as "involved" in your life as i want to be but important events in your future are booked with someone else months in advance, you are telling me i'd better hurry up or there will be no room for me to be involved. i am an afterthought, if scheduling permits. merely a grandfather clause and old baggage.
You are misaligned.
When you promise not to push or pressure me to meet your new girl because i am clearly unstable, hurting, and unable to handle it, then tell me i have to meet her one on one before an event, you are PUSHING ME to a place i have asserted i am not ready to be. You are telling me to hurry up and be okay with it. I will retreat and isolate before i will be backed into a corner. I will take my ball and go home.
You are misaligned.
When i am crying, venting my pain of loss that is so unhealthy to keep in (and everyone keeps insisting i should let out), and you rush to hand me tissues that i haven't asked you for, that i can see and am perfectly capable of reaching myself, you are telling me my emotional display is upsetting you and making you uncomfortable; you are telling me i should shut up. (Professional therapists do this one all the time. Drives me crazy) If you want to comfort me, put your arms around me and hold me you fool. Crying does not make me incapable of blowing my own nose.
You are misaligned.
When you constantly ask what i need, how can you help, but are frustrated when i tell you i don't know, you are telling me you are lazy and have no initiative. Suggest something. My mind is clearly too full of my own sorrow to see a way out. In the end, i will be the instigator and implementor of my own healing but if you really want to help, help, don't just wait for instructions like you're a useless robot without a command.
You are misaligned.
When you tell me i shouldn't bottle my emotions, that i should let them out and heal, then suggest i see a professional for help to "get out of [my] funk" when i express the pain in my head and heart, you are telling me i should only vent if it doesn't upset the status quo. You are telling me my emotions are ugly and wrong and should not be aired in public or even among "friends".
You are misaligned.
When you ask me how i am today and i tell you "not so good", your response of "nothing serious though?" tells me you are not interested in how i really am today because it might depress or upset you. You are telling me you are tired of my current emotional state and how long it's lasting; i should get over it and move along. Why ask how i am if you don't care to know?
You are misaligned.
When you read this journal entry and you think it's about you, you are suffering an over-inflated ego. It's all in my head.
I am misaligned.