Santa's travels. 

Santa has to visit ~2 billion kids (assuming 2.5 children per household), 
= ~800 million stops on Xmas eve.
Assuming they are equally spread across the planet, each house occupies  0.069 square miles,
which means the distance between each is 0.26 miles. 
 
He has 48 hours on Xmas eve if he travels across the
international date line in the direction of the Earth's rotation. 
He has 2/10,000 of a second per household.
He must therefore travel at 1,279 miles / sec. which = Mach 6,395.

What does a Transvestite like to do at Christmas?  

Eat, Drink & be Mary.

I have a friend who's half Indian.    

 Ian.

There once was a man from Australia
Who painted his arse like a dahlia,
It was all going well
at tuppence a smell.
But threepence a lick was a failure. 

Dear Mr Earth
Congratulations on achieving another orbit of the ball of fire without being hit by a massive meteorite or other catastrophic event that could have made you uninhabitable to all (apart from cockroaches and estate agents).

P.S. Just to warn you, it's a leap year so you'll need to work 0.27% longer next year at making the earth move.

ɐılɐɹʇsn∀ sɐɯʇsıɹɥƆ ʎddɐH

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zG8hgkIplcY

 

What a name