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submissive male (63) seeking live in position as servant/housekeeper/butler, or whatever you decide,i will provide for my food you supply somewhere to sleep, bed, floor, cupboard, garden shed, you get all domestic and other chores/duties carried out for free, please contact me if interested
CHAT DOSENT WORK ON MY PC
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thomas the tank engine.
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room..
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'
She hears the little boy continue,
'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.
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An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands . He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.
As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the pay out from the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia .
' Melbourne ', he tells her.
'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires.
'Glen Iris' he replies.
'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?'
' Cameo Street ' he replies.
'This is unbelievable..........' she says, her voice quavering;
'What number?'
'Number 20', he replies.
She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!'
'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you'.
HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN |
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The Divorced Barbie Doll
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have:
Work Out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95
Skater Barbie for $19.95, and
Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls. |
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QUESTION
HOW DO YOU KEEP FLIES OUT OF THE KITCHEN
ANSWER
PUT A BUCKET OF HORSE SHIT IN THE LOUNGE
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How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter
'What are you doing?'
She asked.
'Hunting Flies'
He responded.
'Oh ! Killing any?'
She asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone. |
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Does Your Campground Have a BC?
The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again and rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC. "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him.
After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about he local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam:
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous. Even the normal delivery sounds can be heard.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats.
I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.
Remember, this is a friendly community.
Sincerely,
Campground Owner
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A six-family apartment burned down in London .
The Afghan family on the first floor all perished.
The Nigerian family on the third floor all perished.
The Albanian family on the fourth floor all perished. The Sudanese family on the fifth floor all perished. The Iraqi family on the sixth floor all perished.
However, no one was injured from the white English family on the second floor.
Ethnic & Refugee community leaders were enraged, calling a press conference and demanding from the Fire Chief an explanation of how this could possibly happen,
To which the Fire Chief replied ...
"They were all at work."
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A WOMAN'S POEM:_
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door. Massages my back and begs to do
more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to
'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best
friend.
A MAN'S POEM:_
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me out fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
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An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he discovered a little Leprechaun flat on his back, with a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the l ittle guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief."I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walked away.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun said to himself. "I have to do something for him.I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year went by, and the American golfer came back. On the same hole, he again hit a bad drive into the wood and the Leprechaun was there waiting for him. "T'was me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy said "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer replied. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He then added, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer answered. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also." And tell me, how's your sex life?"
The golfer blushed, and turned his head away in embarrassment, and said shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looked around then whispered, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What?" responded the Leprechaun in shock."That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," said the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
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aussie humour
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it..
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna drive over there and pull her up again!
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An airplane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in Economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class & she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit & tells the Pilot & the Co-Pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in Economy, and won't move back to her seat.
The Co Pilot goes back to the blonde & tries to explain that because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave & return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The Co Pilot tells the Pilot that he probably should have the Police waiting when they land to arrest this blond woman who will not listen to reason.
The Pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde & whispers something in her ear, and she says,"Oh I'm sorry," and gets up and goes back to her seat in Economy.
The flight attendant & the Co Pilot are amazed and asked the Pilot what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her that, "First Class isn't going to Toronto ." |
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A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for £500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for £250 and enclose the following typed note:
"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for £250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for £250 with the following note:
"Dear Sir:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to
remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady | | |
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NASCAR race driver Jeff Gordon fires entire pit crew
This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits. However, Gordon got more than he bargained for!
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the Vin number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower. |
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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem . While
they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband,
"You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in
the Holy Land , for $150." The man thought about it and told him he
would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home,
when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days
later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." |
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An Englishman is having breakfast, in
Paris , one morning (coffee, croissants,
bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman,
chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to
him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman
who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the
whole bread??'
Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble)
'We don't. In France , we only eat what's
inside. The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle it, transform them into croissants
and sell them to England 'The Frenchman has
a smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam
with the bread??'
Englishman: 'Of Course.'
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum
between his teeth and chuckling).
'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit
for breakfast, then we put all the peels,
seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle
them, transform them into jam, and sell the
jam to England '
After a moment of silence, The Englishman
then asks: 'Do you have sex in France ?'
Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says
with a big smirk.
Englishman: 'And what do you do with the
condoms once you've used them?'
Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'
Englishman: 'We don't. In England ,
we put them in a container, recycle them,
melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell
them to France ' |
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something to offend everyone
A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?' A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'
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Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ? Everybody won.
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What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
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Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan . Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......
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A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.
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I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
'Oi, what's your disability?'
I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'
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A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks. 'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my ar$e?'
'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'
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I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '
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What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?
Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.
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A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.
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Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.
'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'
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Tampax are changing their design they are replacing the string with a piece of tinsel .... This is for the Christmas period only!
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A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.
His wife replies 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother' |
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NEW PLAYER FOR LIVERPOOL
Liverpool manager Benitez flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over To Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Man U with only 20 minutes left. The manager sends the young Iraqi striker on as substitute. The lad is a sensation, scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2-0 down but I scored 3 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.' 'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.' The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.' 'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum...... 'It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!' |
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Mujibar was trying to get into the UK legally through Immigration.
The Immigration Officer said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests
except one. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the UK .'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The officer said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.'
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister Officer, I am ready.'
The Officer said, 'Good, go ahead.'
Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes, 'green, green, green, green, green, green
and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow , this is Mujibar.''
Mujibar now works at BRITISH TELECOM. You've probably spoken to him. | |
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The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You= ! 0can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!' |
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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the?
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.?
"So what do you think about that Doc ?
The doctor considered his question for a minute and?
then began to tell a story.?
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter?
and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting.?
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."?
"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.?
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.?
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if?
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."?
"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.?
Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor. ?
The 86-year-old said ,?
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else?
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.."?
The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
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Ain't it the Truth!!!
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
'How much do you weigh?' she asks.
'115,' she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale
It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, 'Your height?'
'5 foot 8,' she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5'.
She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' she screams,
'When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!'
Flour and Water
How come when you mix water and flour together
You get glue?..
And then you add eggs
And sugar...
And you get cake?
Where did the glue go ?
NEED AN ANSWER?
You know darned well where it went!
That's what makes the cake
Stick to your BUTT
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A store that sells new husbands has opened in Newcastle, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
1. You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
2. There are six floors and the value of the products increase as
The shopper ascends the flights.
3. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or
May choose to go up to the next floor.
4. You cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money, and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. |
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The Why's of Men:
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they
are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he
shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, 'University of Oklahoma.'
And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped
out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would
think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath
and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
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flu
Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day,
Go for a swim,
Take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.
Wash your hands often.
If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.
OR
Take the doctor's approach. Think about it...
When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with alcohol...
Why? Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So.......
I walk to the pub. (exercise)
I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)
Tell rude jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then I pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up,
Flu germs Can't get you!
As my grandmother always said,
'A shot in the glass
Is better than one in the arse!' |
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An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
"Good morning, your d aughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?"
At thi s point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You shag her again." | |
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1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11... Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
24. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?
25. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door? |
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The Afterlife
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact.
'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, then off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.
Then I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.
After supper, off to the golf course again.
Then have sex until late at night.
The next day it starts again. '
'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.'
'Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Somerset .' |
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THE HAPPIEST FAIRY TALE EVER
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, drank whole bottles of wine, chatted for hours on the phone to friends, always had a clean house, watched chick flicks without feeling guilty, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, didn't have to pay for dual view tv, travelled more, had a career, had many lovers, didn't save money, had the whole bed - no snoring, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theatre, never watched sports, owned every remote control in the house, never wore friggin lacy lingerie that went up her arse, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, and felt and looked fabulous all the time.
THE END |
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ALL PUNS INTENDED...
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'
7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this
bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the
other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious
accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't -
I've cut off your arms!'
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so
they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank
proving once again that you can't have your kayak
and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting
in an open foyer.'
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name
him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himsel
to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells
her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds ,
'They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
you've seen Ahmal.'
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot
most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made
him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him.
(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)
..... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least
ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
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i found this beautiful winter poem and thoughtit might be of comfort to you,as it was to me......
ENJOY!!!
"WINTER",by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre
FUCK ME!!!!
ITS COLD!!! |
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Two friends, a white guy and a black guy, went to the doctor. Both were desperate for help.
Thewhite man kept changing colour, pink, green, yellow, white, etc. He felt like a lava lamp.
Theblack guy just could not stop moving around, he ran around the room one way, then he ran around the other way - he was getting dizzy.
"Help!"they both said.
The doctor mixed up some white powder in water and told them both the drink it down.
Justlike magic, the white man got his colour back and the black man stood still. They could not believe it.
"Wow,what did you give us?" they asked.
And the doctor said, "DAZ. It keeps your whites white and stops your colours running!"
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A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says,
'You must be a dentist.'
The guy, surprised, says 'Yes....how did you figure that out?
'Easy,' she replied, 'you keep washing your hands.'
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they are done, the girl says, 'You must be a good dentist.'
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, 'Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?
......................
..............................
'Didn't feel a thing'
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A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and George Bush were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
Bush fumed, "What's with those jerks? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The Indian doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!"
The Chinese businessman called out "Move it, time is money"
The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes Larry the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hello, Larry!" Said the Catholic priest, "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The Indian doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The Chinese businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honor of these brave souls"
Bush said, "Why can't they play at night?" |
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Subject: FINANCIAL PLANNING: this week's tip
VERY IMPORTANT FACTS from your Financial Adviser!!
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
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Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink. He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!' Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?' Paddy replies 'I dont know! It's your f***ing plane!!'
Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!' He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. 'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman. 'I can't work in the friggin' dark!' says Murphy.
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want don’t you?' 'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!'
Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just can't hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Every time I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said 'I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!'
Paddy & his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' and storms off. He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?' Paddy replies 'I've put the dog in our garden, let's see how they like it!'
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones!'
Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says 'Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!' Paddy says 'What's his name?' Mick replies 'Miles from London !'
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The wisdom of Larry the cable guy......
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
21 Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
23. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
24. Light travels faster than sound. �That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
25. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow. |
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> The guys were all at a deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
> No one wanted to room with Ralph because he snored so badly. They
> decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Ralph and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you?' He said, 'Ralph snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.' The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Ralph shakes the roof. I watched him all night.' The third night was John's turn. John was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. 'Good morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?' He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Ralph into bed, patted his ass and kissed him good night and Ralph sat up and watched me all night.' |
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Here are some X-rated riddles:
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
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Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
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Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
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Q. What' s the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
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Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
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Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
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Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
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Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
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Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
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Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
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Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
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Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
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Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
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Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
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Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
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Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
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Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
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Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
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Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
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Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A .. They don't have balls to scratch!
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scottish logic.
A Doctor in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day, son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.' | | |
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She was in the kitchen
preparing to boil eggs for
breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and
said, 'You've got to make love to me
this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought,
'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the
moment, he embraced her
And then gave it his all;
Right there on the kitchen
table.
Afterwards she said,
'Thanks,'
And returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled,
he asked,
'What was that all about?'
She explained,
'The egg timer's broken.' |
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The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking.
A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!
85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower........ The other 15% haven't been to prison yet.
Just bought a racehorse called 'My Face', It may not be any good but I can't wait to hear all the women in the crowd screaming 'come on My face.
I've just been to my first Muslim birthday party! Musical chairs was a bit slow but f*ck me, pass the parcel was fast!
2 Irish couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards Paddy said to Murphy that's the best f*ck I've ever had, I wonder how the girls got on?
If mothers Celebrate mothers day, fathers celebrate fathers day, lovers celebrate valentines day, do wankers celebrate palm Sunday? |
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I kid you not... New Wine for Seniors
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as
PINO MORE
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE
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Osama Bin Laden decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:
370H-SSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice.
Condi and her aides hadn't a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.
Eventually they asked New Zealand Intelligence (NZIO) for help.
Within a minute, NZIO emailed the White House with this reply:
'Tell the President he's holding the message upside down.' |
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In a Chicago Hospital , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
MEN NEVER LISTEN |
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A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there is a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a £ 20 note falls out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of your bag."
"Oh, really? Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there is a game, a lot of the fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds!
So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say, '£20 or off it comes!' "
"Well, that seems only fair," laughs the cop. "Ok, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well,".................... says the little old lady, "Not everybody pays."
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Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few
days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into
the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep
in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.. 'It's
called sexual intercourse, darling.'
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other
kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't
called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to
talk to you.' |
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These classifieds were really put in the paper - a smile for your day
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog . . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £!00.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one:
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £200 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything. | |
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A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire.
The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his
Staff and sent an representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded
The rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for
3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. The
Cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per
Week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does
About 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays
His own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday
Night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
That would be me,' replied the farmer.
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Three parrots are for sale.
They cost £100, £200 and £15.
A woman asks "Why is that parrot so cheap?"
The shopkeeper replies, "because it used to
live in a brothel."
The woman thinks its funny and buys the parrot.
When she gets home the parrot says,
"F**k me a new brothel!"
The woman laughs.
Her two daughters come home, the parrot says
"F**k me new prossies!" The girls laugh.
The husband come home and the parrot says
"F**k me Keith i haven't seen you for weeks".
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IRISH JOKE OF THE YEAR.
...
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three
more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I
draw it; It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all
left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
we all drank together.'
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same
way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars' in
the bar notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender
says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.'
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his
eye and he laughs.
'Oh, no,' he says, 'Everyone is fine. It's me........I'm driving!' |
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40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying...
'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'
God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys . Go out and tell them to choose
between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'
Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again....
'They've gone', he tells God.
'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'
'No, the f**king gates'. |
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15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MUM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR
GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up
there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can
tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make
some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself
types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for
it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even
in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque
books.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it
means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal. |
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Bed sheets
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a
series of tests, the last of which had left his
bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the
bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another
and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with
diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to
remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of
bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out
the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the
sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing,
and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled
sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,
staring down at the sheets, a hospital security
guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who
had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked,
"What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied:
"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost." |
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THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend & I had been dating for over a year, so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. It had to be deliberate.
One day, her "little" sister called & asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived & she whispered to me that she had feelings & desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married & committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up & get me." I stood there for a moment, then turned & made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door & headed straight towards my car. Lo & behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me & said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car! |
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A man was sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. So he decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f*** do you want?'
'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face.
Ryanair.
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Subject: FW: The Final word on Nutrition
>
>
>
>
> After an exhausting review of the research literature here is the
> final word on nutrition and health
>
>
>
> - Japanese eat very little fat and suffer lower heart attacks than the English
>
> - Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer lower heart attack than the English
>
> - Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
> than the English
>
> - Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
> attacks than the English
>
> - Germans drink beer and eat a lot of sausages and fats and suffer
> fewer heart attack than the English
>
> - The French eat foie gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and
> suffer fewer heart attack than the English
>
>
>
> Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like, speaking English apparently
> is what kills you |
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Yes, I'm knackered.
I'm knackered because I'm overworked...............................
The population of this country is 51 million.
21 million are retired.
That leaves 30 million to do the work.
There are 19 million at school.
That leaves 11 million to do the work.
2 million are unemployed and 4 million are employed by the government to
look after us.
That leaves 5 million to do the work.
One million are in the armed forces, which leaves 4 million to do the
work.
3 million are employed by County and Borough Councils to help the
government
to look after us.
That leaves one million to do the work.
There are 620,000 people in hospital and 379,998 in prisons..
Which leaves 2 people to do the work.
You and me.
And you are sitting on your arse reading this.
No wonder I'm bloody knackered!
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'
'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.
'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.
'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'
'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'
'Sounds marvellous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'
'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'
'At the circus,' says the barman.
'The circus?' repeats the duck.
'That's right,' replies the barman.
'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'
'Yeah,' the barman replies.
'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.
'Of course,' the barman replies.
'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.
'That's right!' says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
'What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??!'
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SOME IRISH HUMOR
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Then, they draw straws to see who will tell Paddy's wife. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!' says Murphy's wife.
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
***********************************************************
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
'That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'
************************************************************
An Irishman is driving home from the city one night, and his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf!'
**********************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. 'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery'
'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'
'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. It was terrible. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned.'
'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'
**************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'
She says, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put the gun down . . .' '
*************************************************************
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'
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TWO WOMEN TALKING IN HEAVEN
1st Woman: Hello! My name is Maggie.
2nd Woman: Hello! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st Woman: I froze to death.
1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I stopped shaking
From the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally
died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my
Husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act,
But instead I found him all by himself in the house watching TV.
1st Woman: So what happened?
2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman somewhere that I
Started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
Searched and then down into the cellar. I went through each wardrobe
And checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked
Everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a
11st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive | | |
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sex german style
German guy approaches a prostitute and says, ' I vish to buy sex vit you'
'OK' says the girl, 'I'll charge 100 Euros an hour'
'Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky'
'No problem' she replies cautiously, 'I can do a little kinky'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant you to tie ze springs to your handz und kneez.' The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.
'Now pleez you vill get on your handz and kneez.' She duly does this, balancing on the springs.
'You vill please blow zis duck caller as I make love to you.' She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.
The sex is fantastic. The energetic German bounces her all over the room, all the time with her honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath. Finally she gasps 'That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?'
'Ah', says the German, 'Four-sprung duck technique'
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The Bathtub Test .
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE |
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Nicobate
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices
there's a Nicobate patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're
supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not
your penis.'
The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down
to two butts a day.'
*IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!! * |
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After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
'Oh dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?
Cop: 'Bigger.
Chief: 'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!' |
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There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell them what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk..... The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, why do you want to see the Doctor?'
'There's something wrong with my di * ck', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone'.
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear', he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
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Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'
The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry now that you had my bollocks cut off' |
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Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was
still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she
Her mother reassured her, 'Don't worry, Maria, John's a good man. Go
upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'
So, uppa she went. When she got upstairs, John took off his shirt and
exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
'Mama, Mama, John's got a big hairy chest.'
'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'
So, uppa she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, John took off
his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
'Mama, Mama, John took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'
'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. John's a good man.
Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'
So, uppa she went again. When she got there, John took off his
socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.
When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
'Mama, Mama, John's got a foot and a half!'
Her mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta!
***********************************
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A BOTTLE OF WINE
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold
Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally
demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.. God works in
mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
drivers; the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a
woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're
unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be
friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this
must be a sign from God! But your still at fault...women shouldn't be
allowed to drive."
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back
to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the
cork back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't
you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with us. |
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An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar,
and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit. |
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WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'broke' do you not understand? |
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HOW MEN THINK >
> I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day.
>
> We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used
>to enjoy together.
> >
> I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up
>and rekindling a little of that "magic".
>
> "Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit
>older and a bit balder than when you last saw me."
> >
> She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.
> >
> "Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
>that's a few inches wider these days!"
>
> She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
>
> She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I
>would still be a great lover.
>
> Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
>
> So I told her to f*ck off |
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It was entertainment night at the old folks home. Claude the
Hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to
hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
Antique pocket watch from his coat 'I want you each to keep your eye
on this antique watch It's a very special watch. It's been in my
family for six generations'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the
watch...'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and
forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of
eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the
Hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred
pieces.
'SH*T!' said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the old folks home. |
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Read to the end :-
This incident took place in Dublin awhile ago and although it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock take,
it's true according to local towns people.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was walking on the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark and
stormy night.. The rain and fog was so severe he could only see a few feet ahead of him. There were no
cars in sight and John was beginning to panic.
Suddenly, he saw headlights approaching. The car was traveling very slowly and came to a stop in
front of him.. Desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, John got into the car and closed the door.
Only then did he realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running.
The car started moving forward slowly. John looked at the road ahead and knew the car was approaching
a sharp curve. Scared that the car would go over the embankment, John started to pray for his life.
Just before the car hit the curve a hand appeared through the drivers side window and turned the wheel.
John was paralyzed with fear and terror as he watched the hand repeatedly come through the window
though it never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a Pub ahead. Gathering all his strength, he opened the car door,
jumped out, and ran towards the Pub.
Soaking wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everyone about the horrible experience
he just had. A silence enveloped the Pub when everyone realized he was crying.......and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the Pub door opened and two other people walked in to escape the stormy night. They, like John,
were soaking wet and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one
said to the other, 'Look Paddy, there's that fooking idiot that got in our car while we were pushing it.' |
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An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f***** liar……' |
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BAD TASTE JOKES..
I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.
One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.
Apparently 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds
to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you bastard!'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
why are women like clouds? eventually they piss off and its a really nice
day
------------------------------------------------------------------
Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat
Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to
him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood
rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am
in a bad mood, it leaves a big frigging big red mark on her forehead.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to
check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Zebo, a half blind five year old South African orphan, has to ride 7 miles
a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no
brakes. Give just a small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the
video, it's bloody hilarious....
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating
shuttlecocks.
Bad Minton.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'.
The reply from his friend...... 'You're so bloody lucky... Mine's still
alive...'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'Piss off, you won't bring it back.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10
minutes.
'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My wife's an epileptic' |
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A REDNECK LOVE POEM
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it? |
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This letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.
An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.
Dear St Josephs School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon.. I am 84 years old and live at Grove Park, Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to fuck off.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Edna |
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> A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
>
> The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
>
> The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
>
> The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
>
> The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
>
> The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
>
> The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
>
> The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
>
> The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
>
> The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the poor creature?'
>
> Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no telling what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
>
> Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
>
> Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
>
> Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times'
>
> Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
>
> Man: 'What sins?'
>
> Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
>
> Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
>
> Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
>
> Man: 'I'm 92 years old... I'm telling everybody.' |
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One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by
curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.'
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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!' 'Grumpy shagged a penguin! | |
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Two Siamese Twins walk into a pub in Winnipeg and park themselves on a barstool.
One of them says to the Landlord, Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip, I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please."
The landlord, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.
"Ah, England!" says the Landlord. "Wonderful country... The history, the beer, the culture..."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers & Molson's beer, that's us, he Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant, rude, and talk funny."
"So why keep going to England?" asks the landlord.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive." | |
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three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic , one was a chain smoker and the other was a homosexual.
The doctor addressing all three of them said.
"If any of you indulge in your vices one more time you will surely die".
The three men left the doctors office. Each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking towards the subway for their return trip home, they pass a pub.
The alcoholic, hearing loud music coming from the pub could not help himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar were he had a short of whiskey.
No sooner had he replaced the glass on the bar he fell of his stool, stone dead. His companions somewhat shaken left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctors words.
As they walk along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground still burning.
The homosexua; looked at the chain smoker and said, "if you bend over and pick that up we're both dead". |
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A couple take on an 19 year old girl as a lodger. She asked if she
could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a
bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
'Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts', she said,
girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to
see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he
He didn't believe her so she said, 'Next week I'll leave a gap in the
curtains so that you can see for yourself'.
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
'No', replied the girl. 'I've just never grown any hairs down there.
'Oh yes', said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked, 'Did you see it?'
'Yes', he said. 'But why the hell did you have to show her yours?'
'Why not?' she said. 'You've seen it all before.'
'I know', he said, 'but the bloody darts team hadn't'! |
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questions
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If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
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NEVER ARGUE WITH AN INTELLIGENT WOMAN
One morning while camping the husband returns after several
hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take
the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the
woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,'
says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she
can also think.
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A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when
another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever
in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is
allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a
'sniffing dog'. His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show
you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: 'Watch
this.' He tells Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to
its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says, 'That woman is
in possession of marijuana , so I 'm making a note of her seat number and
the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'
'Say, that's pretty neat' replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs
about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and
this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note
of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' says his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a
moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat
and proceeded to poop all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out
how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent
'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb!' |
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Bob works hard at the
plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes
him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling team.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings
over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know
that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts
to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table
dance, big boy?"
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for
someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter
word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez, Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
The funeral for BOB is on Friday |
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TWENTY POUNDS
On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new Husband and asked
For £20.00 for their first Lovemaking
Encounter. In His highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more
Than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to
Afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find
Her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer
Was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had
Been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and
Therefore, they
Were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than thirty
Years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly 1 million pounds. Then she
Showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over 2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that
For the more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied
And these were the
Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over 3
Million Pounds, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but
Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If
I'd had any idea what you
Were doing, I would have given you all my
Business!'
That's when she shot him.
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A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an aeroplane.
When the plane took off and settled into its climb, the stranger turned to the little girl
and said:: 'I've always found that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'OK. What would you like to talk about?'
Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?'
'Yes,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass -- the same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger thought for a few moments,, then said: 'You know, I've never thought about that. I have no idea.'
The little girl began to open her book again, saying: 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit!!! |
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PHONE REPAIR
A Oklahoma farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit , thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Thought you'd like to know. | | |
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PHONE REPAIR
A Oklahoma farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit , thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Thought you'd like to know. | | |
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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when
he saw him.
Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so
glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I
misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat.
I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn
came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off
his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church.
So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's
hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I
decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou
Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than
Burn in Hell, right ?"
Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat.
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A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a
holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his
life, that is, until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing,
only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach
one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She
replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my
cruise ship sank.'
'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with
you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came
from a Eucalyptus tree.'
'But, where did you get the tools?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I
used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'
The guy is stunned.
'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she
docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls
off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow
painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the
man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says
casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you
like a drink?'
'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.
'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,'
winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down
on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman
announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you
like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom
cabinet.'
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in
the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to
a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit
down next to her.
'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been
out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you
really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She
stares into his eyes ..
He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....
'Fucking hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?' |
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To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being
54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I
value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope
that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the
evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight ...
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on
the dining room table:
'My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you
are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local
college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be
at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the
assistant tennis coach .
He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a
successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will
understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes in to 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.' |
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Judge Judy to prostitute, "So when did you realize you were raped?"
Prostitute, wiping away her tears, "When the check bounced." |
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WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit. |
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A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the
>rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello
>to him.
>
>He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
>although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he
>says 'Sorry, do you know me?'
>
>She replies 'I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
>one of my children!'
>
>His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
>'Christ!' he says 'are you that stripogram on my stag night that I
>shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate
>whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?'
'No' she replies, 'I'm your son's English Teacher' |
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three old ladies and their dogs
were sitting on a park bench
having a quiet conversation
when a flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies,
stood right in front of them
and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tillie, being older and more feeble,
couldn't reach that far . . . . |
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3 women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and a mask
over their eyes .
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend: "the other night, when my boyfriend came back
home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He
saw me he said: "you are the woman of my life, I love you"...then we
made love all night long
The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office
and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes
and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say
anything.....but we had wild sex all night
The married one: "the other night I sent the kids to stay at my
mothersfor the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work,
opens the door and says:
"Alright Batman, what's for dinner?" |
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A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy
staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy
says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me: I'm 7 feet
tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3
pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown!... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
"Turn around." |
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A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50
feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man
walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single
file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now
is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.'
'What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
'Get in line.' |
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A man was in a long line at Wal-Mart.
As he got to the register he realized
he had forgotten to get condoms, so
he asked the checkout girl if she could
have some brought up to the register.
She asked, 'What size condoms?'
The customer replied that he didn't
know. She asked him to drop his pants.
He did.
She reached over the counter, grabbed
hold of him and called over the intercom,
'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'
The next man in line thought this was
interesting, and like most of us, was up
for a cheap thrill.
When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She aske d him what size, and he stated
that he didn't know. She asked him to
drop his pants. He did.
She gave him a quick feel, picke d up
the intercom and said, 'One box of
medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'
A few customers back was this teenage
boy. He thought what he had seen was
way too cool. He had never had any type
of sexual contact with a live female, so
he thought this was his chance.
When he got to the register he told the
checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said
he didn't know.? She asked him to drop
his pants and he did. She reached over
the counter, gave him a quick squeeze,
then picked up the intercom and said...
'Cleanup, Register 5' |
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LITTLE BILLY ASKS HIS DAD FOR A TELLY IN HIS ROOM. DAD RELUCTACTLY AGREES.
NEXT DAY BILLY COMES DOWNSTAIRS AND ASKS, "DAD, WHAT'S LOVE JUICE?"
DAD LOOKS HORRIFIED AND TELLS BILLY ALL ABOUT SEX.
BILLY JUST SAT THERE WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN IN AMAZEMENT.
DAD ASKS, "SO WHAT WERE YOU WATCHING?"
BILLY SAYS, "WIMBLEDON |
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11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE.
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them
all, so they decided that 1 had to leave,
because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person,
until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because,
as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her
husband and kids or for men in general, and was
used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping ........ |
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