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Life is lonely. Having served for nearly 30 years, I find myself missing the connection. It has been 3 years and its time to start living again. Taking my time, not jumping into anything. Made that mistake already. I would like someone who can be companion, friend, lover, playmate, as well as Daddy-type. I have some child-like tendencies at times that id like to explore, though there are also times when i enjoy suffering for a Masters pleasure. Writing is something that helps me grasp concepts. I have learned much through the years with self-exploration and essays that were required by my Sir. Though looking back at some, i have to wonder what i was thinking! I want to take the time to get to know someone and to have them truly know me... the real me, not the image I project to the rest of the world. As a submissive, I am confident. I have my orders and I obey. In the vanilla world, I am not so sure of myself. I know I want to please another...and I dont just mean sexually. I NEED to make my partner happy. Thats just how I am, though there may be times I make mistakes. Help me learn?
Are there any out there looking for a partner? One who is their equal, yet who willingly yields to their authority? Dont mistake me for a weak submissive. I will challenge you but we will both revel in that challenge, together.
Update 10-10-19 - Recent events have changed things. Search is on hiatus while I have abdominal surgery. If it is cancer, then I will deal with that issue before seeking out another as it is my belief that one needs to be healthy in order to serve another. It is what it is.
Update - 1-8-2020 - New Year and new start. Mass turned out to be benign. Healing has begun, in more ways than one. Scans say that I am now cancer free. New job, as they couldnt hold my position during recovery. New apartment duplex which is actually nicer than the place I had before. New area with a bunch of wonderful friends nearby. Life is good and I am taking my time and getting back to good health. Lost 40 lbs in the past year but still more to go. Keeping a positive attitude! Loving life!
Spring 2020
I have to wonder if sex is all that this site is about? What happened to getting to know someone first? To being friends and companions? I have been a service oriented slave for much of my adult life. Sex was not a choice beyond raising children and the occasional get together and even then it was at his discretion. My sexual experience is very minimal. If all you wish to have is a willing hole, that is not what I am looking for. If I had a choice 15 years ago, things might have been different. Now, I just want to serve and be served in a partnership of sorts. I have been in charge for too many years to blindly serve and obey without first building trust. This time is now about how I can make someone happier while also pleasing myself. If that sounds selfish, then I am not for you. If you want or need someone who will do their utmost to make you happy, beyond just as a sex toy , then you will find no one more loyal. spankings are what I think I need, and are what I know. If you want to explore more, convince me! I might enjoy it. Also, I do enjoy sex, but as a compliment to the relationship. Not as the sole focus. Does this make sense or has the lifestyle changed so much?
Amidst the turbulence, he holds steadfast as with roots intertwined they weather the storm. - by DMM
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4/1/22 - I am owned property. He owns me body, mind, and Soul. I am completely his property. |
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More self examination. Am I looking for someone else to take responsibility because I don't wish to face what I've let myself become?
I know my size has become more of a problem, the larger I get. However, I have to wonder if I was really submissive at all when in my primary dynamic? Upon reflection, I'd have to say no. My secondary dynamic with Sir was definitely HOH/DD but still I had to be accountable. It has worked for me for many years. While I CAN get by on my own, the joy in life is gone. Maybe I'm just a masochistic bottom? Perhaps there are facets of that but I enjoy pleasing another so much. Not sure how it all meshes together. Guess more thinking needs to be done... more self reflection. |
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Ever have those days when you KNOW you need a keeper?
Been playing Russian Roulette with sugars. I know what it does to me, but still can't resist chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting. Been way too much stress these past few years and very little stress relief. Hopefully Covid is slowing and things will open up! My Dom used to make me come up with appropriate means of discipline and if I wasn't severe enough he would double what I suggested, or what he had in mind. Usually made me harder on myself but it also made me examine what I'd done and find some way to alleviate the guilt while making it memorable enough so I wouldn't want a repeat of whatever I got. Definitely a tough exercise, but I recall those as some of my best memories with him. Might have to start that up again, using memories, as I'm not headed in a good direction these days. |
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New Year, newer interests.
I've been doing a lot of reading and ummm, research and I definitely see signs that I am Little at heart. I need the structure but also enjoy the nurturing aspect of a Daddy type. The masochist in me likes a bit more than a baby girl probably would but who says I can't have both? |
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12/25/21 - Christmas reflections- during this alone time of Covid, I'm coming to many realizations. It's been over a year since I've been spanked and I hadn't realized how much I need the pain before I can experience the pleasure. For me, they are tied together and always have been. I'm sure a therapist would say I need to talk it out but it works for me. Why mess with something that works? You say therapy, I say I just happen to prefer a good play scene. Sure beats paying for couch time! |
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| Age: 32 |
| Peru,
Illinois |
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