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"I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don?t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don?t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding."?
~*Anais Nin*~
**We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to give you this late breaking and IMPORTANT news**
1) Please do not add me as a "friend." I do not know you, I will reject you.
2) Typos are a fact, but there's a difference between typos and just not knowing how to use the English language. I require intelligence, the FIRST way of showing that is knowing how to spell. If you can't form a complete sentence, you and I will not get along well, that I can assure you.
and finally...
3) "This diary is my kief, hashish & opium pipe. This is my drug and my vice" Anais Nin?
Meaning, I'm mainly here for the journals...I'm not on a journey to find my soulmate, so please?do not liken me to yours.
?
***we now continue with our regularly scheduled program***
?
~*I desire pure real strength and that does not come in a careless package. If you do not understand this...you are not for me*~
I used to have a laundry list of things I wanted, didn't want, expected...blah blah blah, now...well, I ask that you ask what you may want to know. I ask that you do not assume for we will butt heads if you do, and I, on my part, will endeavor to do the same. I ask that you understand that I am a stranger to you, as you are a stranger to me and do not expect anything from me except a respectful and polite exchange. A sharing of opinions and ideas.
This is a door way, a medium to be used...a beginning. It is not the end all be all and everything here is taken with a grain of salt. I ask that you have a sense of humor and try to understand that real life not only intrudes, but takes precedence over this virtual world and THAT IS as it should be.
Thanks. ~a~
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How do you know when the real is real. Feelings are as real as anything, but what you put them to...what if it's all a lie and you go with it because you want it to be real.
Circular I know...but to want is a powerful thing. Enough to forget your instincts...even yourself. But what if this time...as you fall, you are caught. What a wonderful if....
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It's finally HERE! As 8:30am tomorrow morning I will be boarding the first of two flights getting me to Rome! I'm so excited I can't hardly stand it. Now, I must go pack :)
Yes, I procrastinated and Yes, I've been punished :(
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Went to Phoenix for the Valentine's weekend. It was a really fun road trip. Left Friday afternoon, got back Sunday evening. Took some pictures at the Boulders and at the Thing. You gotta see that...obligatory stop if on I-10 between Phoenix, AZ and Las Cruces, NM.
I had some time to think tho...and I wondered, how do you try and help a friend from falling and still be a friend when they just refuse to listen? I mean, they ask...they talk til they are blue in the face and your ears are burning off and still. Headlong they run into the pit of fire. I'm totally cool with that...not everyone will take your advice or see things as you do, but you can't keep coming back. I mean, my opinion or advice wont change and now I'm just frustrated because I think you're a gluttonous idiot, so what...? What do you do?
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I'm Italy bound folks! That's right...from March 20th to March 29th I will be in Rome for 4 days and Sorrento for 4 days! I'm so freaking excited I can't stand it! Its going to be wonderful!
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I want it all...is that too much to ask for?
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New tat time! I LOVE getting inked...and I do mean LOVE it. It's addicting and gratifying to see something beautiful displayed on your body. Erotic and sensual, I know this wont be my last. Especiallly considering I already have 9!
Yes, they are all tasteful...least to me and all inconspicuous for the most part and can quite easily be hidden. I do it that way on purpose...like treasures to be unwrapped, leading to more. Its exciting to reveal them, to show them and their beauty.
Some day Chris Garver will do my sleeve...that will be my ultimate and I will die a happy woman!!
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Is it weird that I actually like the pain of a burn...? Ha...silly question to ask in a place like this. But its more intense then that of a lash or whip and stays with you so much longer.
Only had it done twice, but it was intensely erotic both times...acute and vivid.
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Put up a new picture and don't ask me why...but I LOVE it. Crazy really because I look like lush in it, but alcohol, cigarettes and boobs...what more is there to life? Ha.
Anyway, my friend took it and she sent it to me and I well approved of it & considering my most current pic on here is about 3 mos old, it was time for an update.
So, that's me...New Year's Eve 2008. I don't usually smoke or drink, but nothing like New Year's to bring on the occasion for it; however, I am always showing cleavage so that's a good representation.
I don't even know why I'm talking about this pic so much. Its just such an accurate representation of me...always looking for something and talking. That is me!
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So I'm all about the pre-defined gender roles. I have no problem with them...in truth, when you break it down, I feel that women should be the nurturing stay at home caretakers...its why we are softer, but some of these messages I get. I wonder what could some of these people possibly be thinking.
For starters, I'm not a lesbian, so I'm not interested in women. I'm bi-curious, but that's about as far as it goes and I do not want to serve a woman, whether sexual or not. So giving "gifts" or whatever that means, just not gonna happen. I've heard that's how you show respect or what not, but well...for the sake of not sounding like a complete bitch, its just not something that will ever do, serve a female that is. In the bigger scheme of things, I'm about as alpha female as they get and although I have absolutely NO interested in being a Domme, nor will I submit to one. Conversation, exchange of opinions...wonderful, but give you things or do things for you to show my submission, or serving in any capacity to a woman in just not my cup of tea...I serve myself ::big cheesy grin::
As for males, well "roles" aside, shouldn't you want to know someone. Are there such slim pickins out there that you just random want a woman to come live with you to 'take care of you.' Isn't it more than just someone to cook n clean for you? Even more than someone just at your feet & your beck n call? In the end, isn't it about a partner that suits you, compliments you and fits you and your life. Not perfectly, that's just not realistic, but some basic things in common or similarities is probably a good start. Followed with getting to know the mind of another. How do you know she's even malleable (however you decide to take that term) without knowing word one about her.
Just observations from my own stash or recent messages. Truthfully, it's neither her nor there as I know who & what I am and I know my place in what our world is (or maybe its just mine) and its always my choice to respond or how I will respond (I always respond...its rude to say nothing at all and I always "try" the nice route), but just random thought I suppose.
It reeks of judgement, huh? Shame...
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My time here is coming to an end and although its been really quite nice, as always, I'm ready to be home. The first week, I traveled with someone and we stayed at a hotel, but Friday they traveled home and I stayed behind another week to be with my sister and her kids.
Right now, I am sitting at the dining room table listening to both my sister and her husband pound my 8 yr old niece trying to "study" her for her religion test. Most nights, they are pounding her with homework and I find it so very sad. First, it's incredible how much homework a third grader has nowadays, but worse, is I don't even think they realize that what they are doing is just NOT helping this child. My niece is a good girl and she IS smart, but she's nothing like those students that just "get it." Unfortunately, for her, she has to study; things do not come easy for her, but even still, she does get the concepts. In watching her over the years, what I know is she does NOT READ the questions. I see it, I know it and they (her parents) do too, but yet, they think studying the same thing for hours is what will work.
In the end, if she doesn't READ a question then she'll never get the answer right, even if she knows the answer. If she doesn't know what is wanted of her, she is just guessing and that's exactly what she's doing. They get upset with her because she gets C's, D's and even F's when "they studied" with her, but if this is how they study, then no wonder she doesn't do well. Here is an average afternoon/evening.
2:30pm - Sister gets home with 8 yr old niece from school and puts the 2 yr old for a nap. Here, she's frazzled, barking out orders to tell the 8 yr old, do this, do that, stop this, stop that. No time to unwind, to talk about school, to maybe have a snack and get her in the right frame of mind
3:00pm - My sister gets on the computer while she has my niece on the floor behind her 'doing homework.' She wont let her sit at the dining room table because "she writes too hard with her pencil and gouges the wooden table," but nor does have her sit in her room AT HER desk to at least start her homework and she's not even paying attention because she is ON the computer. She says during the 2 yr old's nap time is her "only opportunity"
4:30pm - 8 yr old STILL on the floor doing the same homework, while my sister now tries to start dinner. At no time has she given DEDICATED time to my niece and the work that she's doing. My niece doesn't read the directions, she guesses and writes answers, my sister looks it over...says "wrong wrong wrong...what are you doing? You got this this this wrong...do it again." Again, never asks her WHAT was she supposed to be doing, what's wrong with the answer that's wrong. She doesn't sit with her, doesn't watch her, doesn't read with her. She doesn't give her focused time and yet doesn't understand why she doesn't focus.
5:30pm - Dad gets home and mayham ensues. The 2 yr old is now up, homework is almost complete, but not quite...there's either some spelling words that she needs to study or some other test she has to prepare for, but this cannot be done now because the table has to be set, the kids needs to be fed and family dinner time has begun. This is good...I think family dinner is EXTREMELY important. Dialogue ensues, information about the day comes out and just overall helps families really come together and know what's going on with each other.
6:15pm - Mayhem continues... now dinner is over and the cleanup begins and bedtime rituals. The kids need to be bathed, teeth brushed, books read and study???
7:15pm - the 2 yr old is in bed and the girls are bathed but now they want to try and refocus the 8 yr old to study. Its not so bad if they decided that they were doing it for a set amount of time to truly just study, but no... By this time, both my sister and her husband are beyond upset and frazzled because my sister now disconnects. Her "shows" start and because she's been on duty with the kids all day, her husband has to deal with bedtime rituals, stories and studying. He never really got to unwind...actually, nobody has and he's trying now deal with 2 worked up kids.
7:30-8pm - in theory...all children in bed and time to detox.
In all this, too many spinning plates....and damnit...I can't finish this damn journal again. Life intrudes.
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A free moment before the Thanksgiving melee begins and family tensions get high. I'm not a over of the holidays, in the least, but neither can I imagine being any other place than with family during this season.
At this time, my "friend" and I are in Hawaii visiting my sister and her family. To say that I do not like my brother-in-law is putting it mildly, but over time I've come to realize that my sister has become more like him, and it saddens me. A part of her, a part of us all really, always want to feel and be secure in our life, monetarily speaking, as much as emotionally or any other way. What brings my sister security, or that sense of it, is, unfortunately, money and so she's with a man and has built a life built on it. She's not rich, but she leads quite a comfortable life which is great, but it seems that every other part of it is consumed with what they have, how to make more of it, horde what they have and spend lavishly the remainder while lamenting the high cost of things and how much they've spent on their lives.
Some might think I sound bitter or I'm not happy for the things she has, which is not true. Although financially, I am not where my sister is, I do not want for anything in my life and in truth, I could not ever imagine being so consumed with money. Yesterday, I came to the realization of why I spend so unconsciously most times and I know it is directly related with both my sister and my Mother. They think they are nothing alike and they say that money is not important, yet they live their lives exactly the opposite of that very sentiment. I do very much believe money is extremely important, yet I live like its not. I spend and make a HUGE point to make sure that I never consider the cost beyond making sure my check book can cover it. I can't take anything I make in this life with me and I want to spend it on those that will appreciate it. In that, I buy gifts, clothes, dinners, drinks...and I enjoy what it for myself as well as those with me. There's nothing I find more fulfilling then enjoying a great dinner & drinks with friends. At the end of the night, I never think of what the bill might have been, but how my stomach hurts from laughing so hard til I cried, or even cried til I laughed.
Damn...I have to go and can't finish this thought. :(
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In Hawaii...to be continued.... |
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Halloween was a GRAND success. My friends and I were the Justice League. We had the Flash, Green Lantern, Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, The Huntress, Hawkgirl, Batgirl and me, Zatanna :) We hit 2 clubs and 4 parties and were a hit every where. Pictures abounded and it was overall, just so much damn fun!
Ah, but that's not want I really wanted to write about...thought I'd just provide some updated info. I'm reading a book recommended by a friend and I think only because she suspects my...hmm...how do I put it. Hate calling it a lifestyle as if I've change who I am to live this. Anyway, she suspects is simply enough put. So, she gives me this book and its really nothing more than a romance novel with some D/s in it and well...
I'm reading this thing and I'm not much interested in it because I'm a true crime kind of girl, but I'm really curious how it is that the world sees this, us...D/s. Overall most consider it deviant so I expected a watered down version in this book, which is what I got, but more to the point, they paint this guy ridiculous. Corporate powerful, looking to let go. Goes to some club where he can be manhandled by a Dominatrix. Wouldn't you know he choses his secretary (not knowing its her) and wants only the light stuff. Blah blah skip forward weeks and them figuring out who the other is and still going for it and suddenly the tables are turned and actually, she wants nothing more than to actually be a sub and he's a Dominant. In the book, he's surpressed it "all this time..." as if.
I can see supression, don't get me wrong...settling for vanilla sex and life with maybe a little slap n tickle here and there, but to be a Dominant for supposed "years" then decide to sub to a novice nobody and then go back to being a Dom because you think that's what SHE needs. I just don't get it. Not even a little bit. And I sound like such a bitch, I just know it. I can hear that judgemental side of me coming through and truly, I respect others choices. I live by to each his/her own, but I just can't. It unsettles me to think of a man that wants ME to dominate HIM.
I can't even finish the silly full on nonsense book and not just cuz its really all just vanilla sex with a little kink on the side, but I cannot get through the passages of this chic subjogating this guy. I've manipulated many a man, I know how easy it can be, but what is the allure in having him crawl to you, beat him, call him names. Overall, I'm not much for subjugation, even as a sub (it has its time and place), but to do it just to do it sounds truly impotent and to me, its just so fake coming from a woman towards a man.
I can push buttons, I'm good at it and I'm proud of it (sometimes), but its more for the satisfaction of my anger or hurt at any given time, not to fulfill any Dominant side of me. I supposed I understand that need in men...that primal need to control and lead in all parts of life, but I don't understand it for women. It seems to go against the nature of women that I know, see and believe to be.
Oh I sound so absolutely naive and ignorant. I know...I cannot understand the Dominant mind, especially not that of a female one. Honestly, I want to understand but my mind is so closed to it. Everything inside me balks against it. Is it the influences of my life...tv, books, Dad...or is it truly ignorance and fear?
Hum de dum...something to think about.
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Ah Halloween...yes ::sigh::
Wonderful naughty dirty incredible things always seem to happen for me around Halloween and I'm all tingly with excitement. Dark, mysterious, dirty lil bad secrets coming to take you away.
::spinning wildly in anticipation::
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So I live in this really great house...just moved in about 3 mos ago and it's my dream. Deal was, I would rent for a year, $200 every month going to a down payment for the house should I decide to buy at the end of the year, and that's what I wanted to do. At first, I wasn't completely convinced, but the location is awesome, the view...God the view from my front porch is phenomenal! In the last couple of months I've been making little modifications to it here and there, having decided after about a month that I would definitely buy at the years end, then...disaster.
The owner calls me Tuesday around 8am. I've never spoken to them before...I found the house and completely dealt with all details through my leasing/realty company. Anyway, point being I didn't even know who this lady yapping about bankruptcy and blah blah was...honestly, I wasn't yet fully intune with the world. I'm horrible in the mornings and I didn't know who she was and I thought it was work related and trying to figure our how her bankruptcy had anything to do with a pending event permit. So I stop her and say "wait...MY HOUSE? XXXX Pitxsxxxx" and she said yes and everything crashed. It seems silly really, to be affected so much, but I guess I just never thought I would be touched by things happening in the world.
You see it, you hear it, you know other people, but things like that have never happened to me and here I am in the middle of the this whole bank & homes fiasco without even knowing it. So my options are limited...the contract in the end is still just a lease, the option to buy would come at the 6 mos point per the terms of the lease but I wont even get there. Its not yet in foreclosure, but now the owners, in the midst of facing bankruptcy, are trying to sell it for more then they were going to, and honestly, more worth (not by much, but more). So I'm not sure what to do and basically, according to their lawyer, it's best to see if they can come to some agreement with me and have me out. Which leaves me thinking that they already have a buyer.
Either way, I don't know what to do. My lease was 1 yr with option to buy after 6 mos or 2 yrs renting. My lease is still good, I've not violated it in any way and according to my leasing/realty company, they have to honor the terms of my lease, even if they sell it, but I'm not looking to screw anyone. Nor do I want the hassle of moving again and most of all...I LOVE that house!
I just found all this out Tuesday and the realty company said they didn't know anything about it and didn't know why the owner called me direct and they would let me know, but since then the owner has called me twice and basically I feel as though I'm being pushed out and I don't know what to do. I have options...I'm lucky in that regard...it could be worse, but this blows. I really really don't want to move and I'm beginning to get angry because I feel like I've done my part, and yet nobody is giving me the opportunity to even take it all in, much less get some good advise. I need a lawyer...just for some direction. I'm not looking to sue, really, I just need to know what I should do. What's fair, what's right and what am I entitled to. Should I get the opportunity to buy the house since I'm already living in it, but if they already have an offer for more then mine would be, am I screwed anyway? Should I force their hand and make them honor the lease for the time being, or just trying to come to an amicable compromise and leave.
God how I don't want to leave...I really don't want to leave. I really LOVE that house :(
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So I had a theory and although its all cooked up, I'm just not in the mood to share it anymore. Not because I don't want to, but because I read something that made me just a little sad.
I've long ago stopped believing in the site for anything more than what I use it for, the journals. And there were others that did the same and I feel through them, and even through my own mindless rants sometimes, I learned and hopefully, I grew too. Today; however, there is one less...actually, its been a couple weeks, but I just now saw/noticed and I am saddened. So as I'm a creature of all that I feel that is what I chose to write about today. And I'll end before I begin to simply say, its just too damn bad that he's chosen to leave, but he has my profound and most deepest respect for his words.
And like Forrest, that's all I'm gonna say about that.
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I have a theory here...bare with me because its just peculating. In reading a particularly interesting person's profile (she's extremely attractive, nice and of all things, likes me ::insert big cheesy grin here::) I had a thought about the nature of being so called "submissive"
I can't talk about it now...I'm so tired. I feel like a 2 yr old. I need a nap!
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So its been quite some time...although, yes, I have been busy and I've had many many changes in my life these last few months, I just haven't had that urge to write, rant, complain....whatever some might call it. Me, I'll call it urge. :) I know this is horrible to admit, but I've never truly been much of a talker. Let me explain that because one might believe that I don't talk. Oh, I talk...yap yap yap all the time. I think I'm pretty funny and most everyone finds me pretty witty and fairly well spoken and intelligent. I can converse about damn near any topic, even if just to give an "educated opinion" if you will, and I am full of those. Opinions that is...some not so educated, but I'm all about the "feeling" of things. I believe with almost any thing its the words that go unsaid that give you the truth of, well...things. I do like that "thing" word, huh? ;)
So, yeah...anyway, I talk and I ask questions, and I joke...a lot. I love to laugh and I can't hold a grudge to save my life. Anger is a wasted emotion, especially on me because I find it impossible to hold onto whatever it was I was angry about. As long as I "purge," I'm fine. I get over it quick, I don't get offended easy and I have a pretty thick skin. Good things to me...makes it easy to coast through the hard parts of my life. Digging deep is not my forte and anyone that tries loses that battle rather quickly. I just don't talk about what I don't want to talk about or those deep dark painful issues. Really, resolution has never come from it and in the end, your demons are your demons. They are there, you take em out from time to time, you look at them, you try to chip away at what you can and then you put them back carefully and gently and you move on. You are never completely healed from the wounds of life and all those chinks in your armor make up most of your character...the rest is luck. ;)
So me...a talker...no. Here, I'll give you some insight into why and that's something I rarely do, but here goes. When I was young, after my parents divorced, and they had one of those ugly ones. My father was not the nicest man, but still, I was Daddy's Little Girl and he could do no wrong, so par for the course, I was pissed off at my Mom. A pissed that i can still say seems to permeate through our relationship today...some days wayyyy worse then others. But I digress. So, Mom decided that she didn't understand why I was so "angry...and you need help" and all that stuff parents do when they are worried, including, taking me to a psychologist, psychiatrist and whatever other psy-terms you can think of. Let's say here that teenagers are the worst...you know it, I know it...its like the worse possible time of life and the best at the same time. I think all teenagers are bipolar by nature of hormones. That doesn't excuse SOME behavior and doesn't mean you give them a wide berth to then become psychopaths, but it does give reasoning to a lot.
So I was a bipolar youth that hated her Mom...in truth, I might have hated them both had Dad been there, but he wasn't so he was safe and therefore deemed, the good parent. Truth be told, Mom probably never had a fair shot, but thems the berries of life. She didn't help it along by any means, but fair is fair and she tried. So she took me to doctors to "talk" and most times I did, or at first....yes, lots of talking and sharing and boohoo, grr grr and you know what that did...not a flippin' thing. The lady/man would sit, listen, say a little, ask some questions but on life chugged. She did a couple of 'group' sessions with my Mom or my sisters, I guess to study us like monkeys, but that was just a lot more of what the one-on-one sessions were with more yelling and a whole lot more tissue passed around. I never ONCE felt better after any one of my sessions. I felt worse for unleashing what I've always known to be, my best defense. The use of my words. Oh how cruel I can be (I get it from my Mom she just doesn't own up to it....if I were her, I'd be proud. Okay, no, but you get the point...or maybe I have no point here). I am cruel and I feel sometimes as I truly have no heart. I can detach from a moment and a situation to just deliver. I am a student of pain and so I make sure my every word counts, but truly, after the storm, it never feels good. Even when its most deserved, I just awe (in a bad way) of the venom and I feel quite horrible. I wont even go into the family discussions that my Mom tried to put on after the docs didn't work. I'll save you from the boring details, besides, the memories, although not quite painful, they are...bothersome.
So, talking...solves nothing. Not when two ppl are angry and they think they both are in the right. The best that you can hope for is come to understand what really bugs the crap out of each other and respect each other not to push those buttons. To me, "we have to talk..." just spells trouble and you learn the most when the talking is natural and easy. When you hear them with friends, or when they react to a situation, or when you just outside on the porch sharing a beer and listening to what the other has to say or the things they notice. Its so much more indicative of the truth that lies inside...even in anger, you get more then..."lets sit and talk." You will either find yourself with someone with all their defenses up or putting their best foot forward. I want neither...I want truth. I want the raw emotion of the moment. I want to straddle his lap when were supposed to be watching a movie, look into his eyes, point out something I noticed he did or said and take in all I get from his reaction or answers just when he thinks he's "safe."
Where was I going with all this? Ah yes, why I haven't been around. Some are good reasons, some not so good reasons, but all mine and all that well...I wont probably ever share until an urge moment. Like this one...an urge to write about the whys of it all.
Moonlight madness is upon us so off I go to howl on the dunes ;)
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Eek...it's been forever and I wish I had something interesting to say, but my mind is blank. Work is wonderful but kicking my rear end...seriously. In faxt, working now, just taking a break. :)
and now...I'm going back.
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Oh yeah...I'm home again. :) 10-day stretch this time then Boston it is.
Be well.
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Pit stop home...on my way BACK to Rhode Isand...leave Sunday.
I'm so tired of airplanes and kids...seriously. I could SCREAM!!
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Pit stop on my way to Vegas...
New things.
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Hum de dum...so I was lured by the red of the "video chatrooms." I thought that there would be some preamble before you get logged on. You know...fill this out, fill that out, click this button to sign in, but no.
That red lil sign is the click here and I was totally unprepared for my cam to flicker on and to be assailed by sound. No no... I mean, I'm so pleased that CM has seemingly come out of the dark ages and changed by leaps and bounds these last 6 mos, but that was a bit unexpected.
Reminded me of the old yahoo chatrooms. :)
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My month of jet setting has only just begun...
I was in San Antonio about a week ago, I'll be in Baltimore this weekend, then Providence, RH Tuesday through Sunday then Vegas the last week of May. I'm so excited.
Next month...ABQ, Phx and possible San Diego.
Score!! :)
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Today, I read one of the most in depth and best written profiles I've seen thus far. He was eloquent, funny and honest...to a fault. :) That's not bad, its commendable and quit so. Usually, you get the "I'm sorry to have to say this...or think this...or believe this..." and I don't really feel you should be sorry for liking or wanting a certain thing. We like what we like...why should we curb that for someone else. In the end, its our loss, no?
The only point or part I took issue with was the "education" bit. For him, if you don't at least have a bachelors or are "very" well traveled in lieu of that piece of paper, you're, basically, not good enough for him (he didn't EXACTLY say that, but it was implied in no uncertain terms). In an effort to not sound like a hypocrite, he should have no reason to change his opinion on that. I'm sure what lead him to that assumption might not be assumptions at all, but past experiences, and therefore legitimate and his right. I mean, its his world...we are all just visitors, but...well, maybe it hurt a little bit.
Don't get me wrong...I don't know this man from Adam and would probably never cross his path or even profile after this, but its always bothered me that someone would think less of me because I'm not "college educated" or been around the world at least once. I realize that I'm missing out...truly I do. Eventually I *WILL* go to the places I dream of, but that doesn't make me less for not having gone yet. And my mind is sharp and college didn't do that for me...life did. :) Sure, I could probably use a few history or political science courses, but will it change me? Most likely not because I'll learn it (for the class or person), check the box (that I did it) and shed the crap as soon as I walk out of the room/door/life. If there's no sincere interest, its just not gonna stick and honestly, why would I want it to? So I'll have something to talk to Dr. Matt about? (He's a friend of mine who's a professor at the university here...he's got a PhD in PolySci)
He doesn't need that from me and he finds me fascinating (way more so than I can ever hope to be). Why? Well, I don't know and I wont guess, but I can hold my own in all our conversations and he never knew I wasn't a college graduate...just a passerby and lurker from time to time. Thankfully, for him and myself, as I think he's an awesome person too, its never mattered. He didn't ask for my resume, credentials or certificates/diplomas/transcripts when we met. He might have been extremely disappointed and walked out if he had. I would have been happy he did because I wouldn't have wanted to know that version of him (or anyone). This version that takes me for not just "me," but for the intelligence earned and not just learned from a book, is quite a stellar guy.
I think I digressed, but I'm gonna bring it back around. This guy, he seemed the real goods and a good looking package to go with it, and it actually saddens me a little that his possible previous experience would lead him to believe only college/world/book educated could light his fire. All us normal gals really failed him. Shame on us...err...them. I only disappoint and fail people I don't want to try with. :) Seriously though...I wont say he's missing out because his life has lead him to believe he's not, but he is. Ha!
The end.
PS I think he mentioned something about smilies being a bad thing too. Eek...I'm cooked.
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I have this opportunity to leave my current position for more money...easy choice, right?
The position is completely different then what I'm doing now, and although its customer service related, I'm not sure that I'm really going to be satisfied. More importantly, I'm not sure that I'd be using all my abilities to the fullest potential.
I have a few options as far as how they he is willing to work out salary with me and ideally, he wants a profit sharing kind of venture. Where by I'm responsible for ALL the CSRs including hiring, firing, pay, incentives...you name it. But of course, the better they do, the higher the returns and the better I do.
I've never been very business minded though...I've never been one to WANT to own or run my own business. I like the comfort of letting someone else be responsible for all those details. Although I can manage, and I'm good at it, in the end, I always have a safety net. Someone to go to...that would be minimal with this new opportunity and it would be all me.
What to do...what to do. So much to consider and I'm generally not too good at sorting out all the details. I HATE Pros & Cons list, but I suppose this situation calls for it.
Boo!
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Slave...??
I'm just coming to a realization about myself, but I feel my words fail me... They cannot and will not do justice to the knowing or understanding. I only write it out here in the hopes that I can better accept and understand all of its parts. To sort it all out, read it again and again and tweak it or trash it as necessary.
I've always believed that this life and really any relationship is what you make of it. Same goes with this lifestyle...there's an outline, a basis, if you will and in the most simplest terms, he's boss, you're not...but how you interact and live those roles are very personal and unique. There are varying degrees of kink, pain, fetishes and I believe that BDSM is like the umbrella that allows it all that to exist.
Having said that and knowing of the many facets, it’s important to also know where you lie in the scheme of it all. By this, I do not mean that you have to know exactly all your kinks and exactly everything you like...it changes, oh how it changes, but you do have to know yourself to the very core of your being. The only other person that will know you better will be your Dom, but that cannot happen if you haven't truly looked within yourself and if you do not continue to do so. Every day we grow and every day we learn something new...they are keys that open new doors inside. You chuck what others see on the outside and you delve within. You are honest with yourself and that silent part of you the rest of those in your life do not know.
It’s not easy...you touch upon things in the darkest parts of your soul. It can make you tremble in fear as much as delight or anticipation. They are the things that the rest of the world says should not be. Beyond the toys, the clothes, the candles and music, there is you and there is your partner and there is a need. So deeply seeded... Everything else can fade away, but when you are together, for the real D/s'ers, what that Dom/Master wants is inside...where you touched the darkness and are aware, He/She wants to swim in and KNOW and you have to let go. You have to know that you are willing to let go and how much.
I once thought that a sub was all I wanted to be. To lie at someone’s feet and do their bidding from time to time. Let Him tie me up, bind me, maybe torture me a bit. Spank me, paddle, flog...whatever the flavor of the day and then, when I was done, He would stop. Nice thought...all about me, my comfort and what I wanted. Then, I met a true Dominant and it came to be all about Him. My mind would fight and ask why I allowed and why continued, but my heart and soul screamed the need to please. To allow him the pleasure of not just my pain, but even just the trials of it all. Oh how he gloried in seeing me trying to get my mind around a concept I couldn’t fathom (you’re going to do what and how…and I’m going to…). He could see it in my eyes. That fire, that spark of “you’re f*cking insane,” but damn if that wasn’t exactly what I was doing and begging for it within minutes. Just to attempt the success for him.
That challenge that I always felt with him, that thought of “could I really do that…” has taken me down so many different paths. Led me away from merely a sub to a place I’m not yet sure I understand. I am not a slave, of that I know, but I do not believe that we are just “slaves” because we say we are. You are lead there. Your mind begins to expand and you begin to see a need that you have to satisfy. Understand that the need is not that of crawling naked through out the house just because he says so…that’s just a part of what your Master may or may not want from you. What I’m beginning to understand is that it’s even beyond you. Its outside of understanding and it is just an instinct, but having a slave’s heart does not mean that you are a slave to all.
I crave to be broken…I doubt that anyone could understand that like my Master could/will, but its what I know I need. How, I’m not sure…or maybe I am and not yet willing to say it out loud for fear, but I cannot be who I am as I am and think to truly please any Master. My mind is the place to storm, to overwhelm and to completely lie in ruin in order to build it back up in the image he creates. I will always be me; I know what I know now because the life I’ve lived, but I desire to be truly HIS, the way he chooses. There is such power to knowing that. That to be broken is something you want. Damn but my words fail me here….
Perhaps I will continue another time.
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I have a theory on "slavery" or "slavehood" I'm working on. TBD :)
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From a fortune cookie.
The Road to knowledge begins with the turn of the page.
Is that sucker trying to tell me to read more? ;)
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I have 4 favorites...that's it...count 'em...FOUR. Of those 4, there is only one I actually know and talk to. Two I found extremely interesting and sincere in their profiles so I added them, but they are rarely on this site anymore as they both have a better chance of finding something real at a bar. The last I admire from afar for his mind. I don't visit his profile but maybe once a month hoping that he has a new post in his journal. I only truly know one of these men, and have had maybe one exchange with the others.
Why am I saying this? Because I've been on this site for damn near 4 years...man, possibly longer, but in that time, I've found only 4 people truly sincere and interesting. Isn't that sad? I think so...what else does that say? Be sincere. Don't ask me to chat because you think I might be the one because trust me, I'm not, but let's talk because we might have something in common. Because we have interesting points of view and because we might learn something new from each other. I will not be your sub, nor will I be your toy...I might, however, be your friend.
Oh yeah, that also means, don't request to add me as a friend. I'm not even sure I'm friends with the "favorites" button. I know I'm not even acquianted with the "friends" one. I will reject you...you should reject me if I'm ever silly enough to send a request. Its a cute function, really, but I already have a MySpace page, and well...this just reeks of a popularity button and I don't like those.
Last but not least....I keep adding here. Ha. Anyhow, chat requests are a waste of time, in my opinion. Send me a message if you like. If we have similar interest of spark up a good conversation, I'm happy to share my chat handle, but trust me, I'm not going to accept a chat request through CM. Seems silly.
I find all kinds of things silly, huh? Silly.
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I have a love affair with pain...
Its not what some may think, although, there is...THAT
No its more about what any pain can bring into focus.
Let's take, for example (and no...I'm truly not suffering this right now) a broken heart. We feel the pain of loss, loneliness, emptiness and sometimes despair, but behind all that it make you aware of the fear of being alone. Its a fear that everyone lives with, but in the midst of loss, there is a clarity and in pain the pictures sharpens and you live through it.
Pain cuts through fear because it is past it. When there is pain the act, whatever it may be, has happened, been committed, come to pass...you are there in the moment with the aftermath and there is only that acute sensation, whatever it may be, that is left. Pain awakens us...
For some, its not good...it opens those floodgates of what you've tried to hold back, but if you can get past that, if you can weather it and still stand, you past beyond the fear to see the possibility of what else there could be. You see a path that fear did not allow before. Pain gives you a freedom, a clarity that, when embraced, is addictive for its purity of truth. In pain, there is nothing else...all pretenses are gone and you are at the core of who you are, who you want to be and who you can become.
If you don't enjoy the pain, if you can't and don't know how, at least understand what's past it and what it can bring you. Hold to that moment and bring it with you as you heal. Bring back to your reality at least the essense of truth in that moment.
Me, I'll crave the pain and those that can yeild it.....
This is for my friend Bill, embrace.
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What is real?
I have a friend that I argue with quite a bit...and he always tells me, "Don't try to confuse me with your circular logic!" That always makes me laugh, but for the first time today, I think I truly understood what that meant.
I'm always reading profiles here...why I don't know. Its not like I'm "looking" and honestly, I'm so jaded, I don't believe there's anything to be found, but I read nonetheless. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes roll my eyes, but today....today I seriously could not make sense of what the guy's profile was trying to say. It was like reading in a circle and swearing that you read that same thing before (because you had). Just didn't really make sense and of course, he threw in big words which always makes it worse. So I got to thinking...what is real?
Of course, his, like every other profile (probably including mine too) says that he's 100% real and wants real time only, but here we are? What makes any of us think that the connections, if any, we find here will tranfer to real life? That hump...that hump from digital to real is rarely traversed. Its where the ruined hearts and desolate sadness and disappointment lies. Should any of us really be here expecting to get anything more then a few good conversations and empty promises? Does that make me hopeless to believe so?
There's this guy...I read his journal pretty regularly and boy does he write. Its wonderful stuff. Sometimes I agree, sometimes I don't, but to me...its the power of his written word. He seems so real to me, as real as I know that I am, and yet he is here "searching" if you can really call it that, and he feels the ridiculousness of the site and the ppl on it, but he remains. Don't get me wrong...I'm glad he does. He holds a mirror that I find fascinating and I find myself somewhat addicted to, but I feel a sadness in this truth. I actually hope and wish that he finds someone here to renew my faith. I feel as if he finds the real thing, then this digital world is a real world. Not just some portal that we all walk in and out of to leave remnants behind in.
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Sick sick sick...I'm at home miserably sick. My head hurts, my body aches, I can't stop sneezing or coughing and I just know this flu is trying to KILL me!
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Quandries, quandries. Is it the nature of our sex to never really know what we want? Or is it just me?
So many opportunities and I've let them fall by the way side wanting only what I want and not considering the rest. Over and over I fall flat on my face, over and over I feel the pain of loss, but over and over I do it again. Its funny, really...at least to me. As I write this and think back, although I should feel sad for those missed chances, I find myself smiling. I suppose if we can't find the humor in our own mistakes, we'd all be crying all the time.
Point being I want...I desire and I burn and only what I want, desire and burn for will do. I will not settle, I cannot settle and I refuse to even entertain other options/possibilities. I'm at my most confident and it shows, and I'm in the flow and I feel it all around me. Its electric and it fires in my veins, throughout my body. I crave the spark to set it aflame...incendiary. I could happily disentigrate in the flames.
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Its slow...so I'll write. I'm not sure what I'm writing about, but I'll write anyway.
Lil Red and I are moving out and we've found 2 extremely cute houses. 2bdrm, 2bath in the historic district here. We are in love. The house sits on a hill so from the back deck and wrap around porch, you are looking down into the yard. Each room has is own bathroom so, although when you have guests they'll have to go into someones room, everything else about the place is perfect so no complaints at all. Now we just have to wait out the whole process. For this particular place, the prospective landlord wants applications, pick from the stack, meet the people THEN fill out the credit application and so on and so forth. Its just a bit of a slower process and we are wanting to get this done VERY quickly.
Anyhow, we have quite a few options, but being women and who we are, THIS is what we want and neither one of us is much used to NOT getting what we want. The waiting game sucks. :)
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The ebb n flow of life...the feast before the famine.
So, I've been having an incredibly wonderful time of late with my friends. My "s/o" (for lack of a better term) has been away on business and I'd forgotten how much I miss just doing things for the fun of it. On Friday, Lil Red, myself and the person we like to call "our new boyfriend" (James) went to the Monster Truck Show...mind you, I've NEVER been to one, but Lil Red, well, she grew up around all that stuff so she was raring to go. When Lil Red's raring to go, I get excited because I know its a good time for all. So we went, and just like I thought, it was a BLAST! Inside the Coloseum it was SUPER loud with tiles breaking and crashing down on those HUGE monstrosities from the vibrations the engines and mufflers made. People yelling and screaming and the excitement was just insane.
When you start a Friday night, moreover, a weekend like that, you've gotta keep it going so we went from there to a local bar where we met up with more friends. Our new boyfriend was the only male among about 7 half drunk and fully unihibited women (2 being lesbians) so the good times kept rolling. The whole weekend was a so incredibly awesome and although I don't have time, or much of an inclination to go into greater detail here except to say that the weekend ended last night after midnight in a hotel hot tub.
I either need to rethink my current situation, or make my current situation fit the fun I want to have.
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Ah here I am...at work and on CM...shame Shame SHAME! But I jammed right through all my work this morning. Thought I had a lot more to do then I actually did, so I've got a lil down time before it rears its ugly head again. And it will...oh how it will (as it always does).
Anyhow, got something on my mind and I'm the writing type so I'm gonna put it down in hopes that it balances out. I have a roommate...actually, I have two. One guy, one girl..we are all straight (or mostly anyway) and not in any way, shape or form involved with each other. We get along very well, especially with my female roomie. She's awesome and although we don't like all the same things, we are both open to trying different activities and getting to know new people so it really works. Our male roomie...well, he's special. We like him well enough, but well...he's just...artsy fartsy and although most would think he seems like the open easy going one, he's really a pain in the ass. But as far as pains in the ass, he's easy enough to handle and ignore when he gets on our nerves. Basically, we mesh well because we all have the same opinions about personal space and our expectations of the house and how things are shared. Everything is split 3 ways, from rent, to utilities and even groceries. We are all pretty considerate so if something runs out, we'll go to the store and pick it up without a fuss or expecting "pay back." It just works...
Recently, our male roommate came to us and said, "hey...so my friend X needs a place to stay for 2 wks because his girlfriend and him split. He's nowhere to go." Both myself and Lil Red (that's what I call her) said almost exactly the same thing..."I don't care but...$$$" Two weeks is not that big a deal so we're not really expecting money for utilities or rent, but we told him he has to pitch for food. We cook and eat dinner together and that's how it really works out, so if that's an extra mouth to feed, well...he's needs to put in. So it was agreed that he could crash for a couple weeks and he needed to help with food.
Easy enough, but I'm really not as nice as I seem and well...I've met this guy already a few times and something has always been fishy. My roomies and I are all quite different but we are responsible people. We all work regular 8-5 professional careers with nice vehicles and nice things. This is not a brag, its just fact. We live together out of convenience for miscellaneous reasons, but if push came to shove, we could all live on our own...we choose not to. This gives us a lot of freedom to do so many things. Anyhow, this guys...from the first time I met him he was handing out business cards for his "photography studio" and jet setting between here, Minnesota and Colorado. In my head, I was always thinking..."how the hell does this guy do it?" I mean, I have a great job and I can't do this and even being a photographer, you'd have to be really hooked up to have the money to support even just a place to stay for 2 wks at a time in all these locations.
Having said all that, the moment Male asked if X could stay I was wary. Wary because if you've got so much time and money travel to different cities, why don't you have the money to leave or set up shop somewhere else. Secondly, Male and X aren't really very close...he met him about a week before Lil Red and I can count on one hand the number of times they've hung out, so why would you ask a veritable stranger if you could crash with them? Where are you other friends, family, etc? Well, even with all these thoughts rolling in my head, I said "no big deal" as of all of us, I'm least affected having the master bedroom w/bathroom.
Well, this guy is a loaf and in my opinion, a pathetic loser. No car, no job, now no girlfriend and no place. I want him gone and I want him gone immediately. Its been 3 days and he's not left our house at all...he sits on his ass to watch TV all day while eating the food WE bought! He keeps thinking something is going to drop from the sky in his lap while meanwhile he does nothing but surf on MY wireless internet on the couch we use. I'm not happy and I don't know what to do. My Lil Red and Male want to give it the two weeks and although I haven't yet brought how much is bugging me up, when Lil Red and I came home last night, male and X were bonding on the couch watching some stupid AMC network. Male has been complaining for a while now that its "too much female" in the house and I understand that for him, but I don't want this. This is not the way to get another male in the house. If he wants a male roommate then he can leave to live with one and replace him. Not shove another person in our house like this.
The more I'm writing about this, the more I'm REALLY hating it and when I hate something this much...I gotta do something.
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I am so sick...Sick...SICK! I noticed my voice kind of wavering yesterday, but I felt fine. Then last night, my throat felt a little raw and tender, as if I had been screaming all day. Within the hour I was sniffling, sneezing, achey and downright miserable. Couldn't get to sleep at all and now here I am at the office trying to stave this off while not getting too close to anyone.
I'm supposed to be happy right now...got an offer for a big promotion, have a good family, wonderful friends...doesn't God know that you don't get colds when things are good? I don't think he got the memo. Funny how suddenly your world can suck so bad just because your heads not in it :(
Boo!
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Strong silent types...what is my problem and those tortured souls that always seem to call to me? It never fails...even when I meet them at a party and they seem as outgoing and nice as can be. Get them alone and it seems that's exactly what they want...to be alone. Why seek out others if alone is what you crave? And why seek out someone like me is silence is what you like?
I like my down time as much as the next person. I believe its needed...those moments of nothing and your mind and body can rest outside of sleep. Where you just read a book or watch TV...I take those precious hours and enjoy them immensely, but for the most part, I'm quite the social being...a veritable social butterfly and I LIKE it. I like to go to a bar and have a drinks with my roomie, or off roading on a beautiful Saturday afternoon, dinner & movies with my friends, drink margaritas poolside...that's living, that's fun, thats what makes one day different from the other and allows freedom from the day to day stresses that come up. It allows the bad times a light of what comes next, but if you're the sort that don't like people, being around time, socializing, talking...what the hell do you want from me? Trust me, we'll not suit...I need others. I need NORMAL others...I need drama-less (not free...no such thing), mostly happy, upbeat AND ESPECIALLY POSITIVE people. We all have our ups and down, but let the ups outweigh those downs and then come knock on my door.
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I'm such a cautious skittish mouse...I can't even help it. I wonder if the things I note would not raise flags among others...I feel it should.
I get a very nice message today from a what looks to be a VERY young man (pic looks 20-something) that has nothing written in his profile, but he's asking for friendship and to get to know me. I have always been one to freely accept an offer of friendship, as its harmless and give us opportunity to expand and learn, but why nothing in the profile.
That always gives me pause. Not to mention that his very blank profile says he's 42, but as I said earlier the pic looks to be that of a 24 yr old, so what am I to think. He either ages EXTREMELY well, has an older picture up because he has no recent one or has something to hide. I'm not assuming anything and I tried to keep the some what doubtful tone out of my voice, but I just can't help it.
All I can say is, we shall see.
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I can't sleep and now I'm dragging ass. This is the 4th night running. I'm not sure what's going on. I go to bed at a decent time and wake up like its morning by 1:30am. If I could go back to bed right away, things would be fine. But its usually at least 3 hrs before I can get back to sleep. I wake up hating life because I'm so tired AND its making me moody.
Boo!
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I stole this excerpt from someone else profile...I apologize and thank him as I think its perfect.
I
will touch every inch of body and mind. You’re mine and I will use you
in everyway I see fit. Pleasure through frustration / pain – discharge
Dependent and opening up your own lusts and fantasies; being guided through your fantasieworld. Feeling free at last.
Rebellious because of the things you have to perform, which you formerly regarded as impossible. Beyond shame!
Recognition
of your own deepest inner feelings; submitting to the fact that you are
a submissive, while normally you are so strong and directive. Opening
the gates of lust.
Secretely enjoying your own thoughts and fantasies.
You become an other person. Being guided; no responsibility for a while; focussing on yourself; being lustfully selfish.
'In the end we leave it all behind.
It's all in the mind, it's all in the mind'
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I read a profile today where the guy is looking for a woman that "knows men are superior to women" and it got me to wondering if that's what Doms/Masters think this is about?
I do know, and I don't care who would argue, that men are physically stronger then women and for the most part, more in control, at least outwardly, of their emotions. Be that a part of their character as men by way of genetics or the way boys are raised as opposed to girls, it just fact. That does not, however, mean that I find men superior or, for that matter, inferior in any way either. To me, there is an ebb and flow, ying and yang...I do not need to be the equal of a man as I am different and an equal in my own right as a woman. I do not want or need to compete with a man in any way, shape or form as I feel that a detriment to me, my relationship with other men (not just significant others) and society as a whole.
When did it stop being okay to be a woman and therefore softer (and yes, sometimes in SOME situations) weaker then our male counterparts. This does not take anything away from us as women...our minds are sound and strong, we are equal in intelligence (of course...stupidity comes in all shapes, forms and sexes), presence of mind and common sense, but I knwo that I am here to offset my mate, not challenge his very being. I am here to challenge his sense of self to be better not to make him feel as he must prove his maleness by making me feel small and helpless, but cherished and precious. It lifes most basic form he is here to protect what brings life forth and we are here to nurture it. We have that softer side and your right partner will protect that from ever being taken from you. To help cultivate it because it is he that stands to gain the most.
Hmmm...it is a curious thing to me. I can most likely do most that a man can do, but truly...why would I want to?
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Frustration, defined as "an emotion that occurs in situations
where one is blocked from reaching a personal goal. The more important
the goal, the greater the frustration. It is comparable to anger."
That's work in a nutshell...they've sent me away and I can't do what I need to do and I'm spinning my wheels!
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I made a promise to myself that I would refrain from criticism because its silly, ugly and of course, not very nice, but I got some messages from someone in the last couple of days that, although at first amusing, now has me a bit piqued. Mainly because the person doesn't know enough english to understand he's being blown off and from what I gathered from his response, he plans to post on the message boards something about me. (Abbreviating the name to save the not so innocent :)
Below are the email exchanges:
MMQ: Greetings..
Me: Hello
MMQ: so u have web cam and yahoo
Me: Yes I do.
MMQ: ok so can i have yahoo name and we can chatthere
Me: No thanks. If ou don't feel the need to fill out anything in your profile, I really don't see the need to give you any more info about me then what I've listed on my profile. Sorry. Good Luck in your search. ~a
MMQ: so.. ur a guy posing as girl... ok then
Me: Yeah, that's it...I have a penis. :) I have nothing to prove to you. You, on the other had, who has a COMPLETELY blank profile although you've been on this site for 2 yrs, would, if I cared, but I don't so...Have a nice life.
MMQ: ok ill post on message baords ur guy posing a a girl ..thanks for being honest abot it bye
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*
So, is it me or did he just threaten me? I've no need to prove myself to him as that's a ploy I'm sure he's used before and has probably unfortunately worked on others, and although I don't use the message boards, it bothers me that he would have the audicity to post some crap like that.
Alas, there is nothing I can do except to say, what an idiot.
Happy Thanksgiving!!
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Can't sleep...watching Miami Ink and as corny as it seems, I'm totally touched by these stories and it has totally put a new fire to finish the tattoos that I want. I've still got at least 3 left that I want. but there is one specifically with such special meaning that I just can't wait. :)
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I've not received any negative messages in quite some time and even then they were VERY few and FAR in between. When I did chance any nasty-like messages, they were generally from men, so this is the first from a female and I'm a bit surprised as I don't think that my profile really leaves that much room for criticism, but we all have opinions.
From a "painslave..." I got:
"With your outrageous stifiling attitude you're lucky to hook up with a fucking monkey."
I do have a few rules on my profile, but it has been my experience that those that don't read them or don't understand them do not merit response and those that do understand and are quite understanding. I don't think having expectations is a bad thing...every one has them, I'm sure she does and just doesn't voice them. What strikes me most is how some feel they have the right and are justified in criticizing. Having an opinion is par for the coarse, I have MANY, but I'm not much for throwing them on someone that hasn't entered into a conversation with you or wishes you to share them.
I can give that I might be a bit "uppity" if you will or at least, so it would seem from my profile, but it only takes civility and intelligence to get past it and if you don't have either why should I feel bad for wanting those things. In the end, I feel that my Master has so much more to gain from me because I am willing to give almost limitlessly once I feel secure in him and my trust for him. That first step is how people converse with each other.
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I'll be moving again soon...which is good, but as always when that time comes, you suddenly come across things that you either buried or assumed had been lost forever, only to be touched by your memory. Luckily, I came upon my bit of treasure by accident and to me, that makes it all the more meaningful...as though its meant to be.
It was poem written for me. Its seems such a silly thing I'm sure to hear it, it seemed a silly thing to me before ever receiving it, but when something is created for you...its not so silly anymore. You realize the meaning of what it is to inspire and that's always touched my heart. He was an artist...such an artist and in true form he was felt things so deeply, wounded so easily by the world but oh how that affected everything he did is the most beautiful way.
In finding the poem, I went digging for my portrait. I knew where that bit of history was and I must say I had hoped to never happen upon it, but having tripped upon the poem, it drew me to find his rendition of me. I looked on it last night as I did when he gave it to me...such awe. Not at myself at all, but how he saw me. I've always believe myself to be pretty at best and passibly attractive at worst, but through his eyes and what I saw on that canvas, I was beautiful and it was breathtaking and that feeling of completely swept away is what I long for still.
He did...he swept me away and took my breath away every moment we spent together, which were many. How and why it ended becomes irrelievent in the memories of what was and it truth, its not important. Its just a reminder of what should be, what I need and what is right. Mildly entertained and settling will never do...not for me and it should especially not be for the one that I'm with.
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I'm bored to tears...literally. I'm at work and I should be working, but my mind is not in it. Honestly, I'm already on thanksgiving holiday for all intents and purposes. I'm off this Friday as my grandmother in coming in from Puerto Rico and next week is a shortened week. I'm ready for it. Not that I've had an exceptionally stressful time of it lately, I'm just...bored.
Honestly, I feel as though I'm on the cusp of something. Ever had that feeling before? Like something big is about to happen...not that is necessarily a "good" big thing, that's just hopeful thinking, its there. Just outside of my grasp. I think that's why the difference in behavior for me lately...I'm just not happy. No, that's not true...I'm happy. Things are good, but I'm not satisfied and I know that spells trouble for those around me as I'm EXTREMELY selfish when I feel like this.
Its all about me and I know that sounds horrible, but its almost like there's a voice inside saying there's more and I have to reach for it. Its probably why I've given up convention of late and just done what I've wanted to. For the most part, its all quite tame and mild, but if you knew me, its just out of character. Although I have a wilder streak and an adventurous spirit, I tend to be conservative due to work, friends and family...typical really. Of late though...I got my eyebrow pierces which I've been DYING to do for years and I finally just bit the bullet and decided to not care. Then, there's the hair :) Always wanted...still long, but went with the two-tone look...jet black and white blonde underneath. Of course work & my family do not like either, but I love it. Next week I'm going for the tattoos on my wrists and top of my feet. I know my s/o is not liking any of this, but I don't even care and I know that's horrible. Its just how I feel.
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Journals...journals. Such a small glimpse in a big life and I'm not talking about mine. Or at least, not specifically. Things are never as they seem and the more you read others words, you realize just how true that is. :)
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I had mentioned how things change so quickly and here I am again thinking the same...
It was only a month ago I was with my S/O meeting the family and visiting NYC, now I'm contemplating whether it was the right thing to do. I feel as though I jumped the gun and ordinarily I NEVER would have introduced him to my sister, but we I was there visiting. He came up to meet me there and I couldn't conceivably tell him, "no...don't come to me, I'll meet you there." He had the rental, but I hate introducing beaus to my family as they've only ever met two and I like to keep those things seperate until I *know* its right for me.
Unlike my mother that feels the need to share every detail of her life and introduce new men like underwear, I'm a little more discerning. I want the time to really know him before I'm getting opinions or anything else from family members. Not to mention that I HATE the questions. Some to which, actually most, I have no answers to. New relationships are fickle things...they can go from good to bad in a relatively short period and it can be so hard to keep your head.
Is it right to entertain other ideas when your with one person or is that a sign of a relationship doomed to fail? Is it just excuses to make the decisions you've made "ok" or truly indications of some very real problems? And are those problems all you or part him too? And when ALL is said and done, should you really have this many questions when you should be in the budding butterfly stage?
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I've just got all kinds of things to say today...
Actually, this is not a rant or a complaint, but more a cry of a broken heart. My best friend is leaving in about 2 wks and although I know that all things must change, I am broken. He sent me a text message to update his contact info as he already has his new San Diego number and suddenly a rush of sadness overwhelmed. I have friends, many in fact, and I even have an significant other right now, but this is different. I believe that the only way we can truly be complete is have a handful of friends that are very near and dear to your heart. The ones that can not only say "I knew you when..." but also, "I know why..." They are such an intrinsic part of your life, they know why you are the way you are and make it all fun. They bring out different facets of you and fulfill those different parts that no one person can do by themselves.
That's Jose. When I'm running late, am feeling frazzled and my voice and speed at which I talk increases...he knows. He just pokes me with his finger and mockingly tells me "that's okay baby...we got nothing but time," even though I know he's smoked because I am late (and he hates tardiness). In one fell swoop he can disapate my anxiety and make me laugh at myself. I'm the butt of his jokes and I know that if he didn't care about me, I'd wouldn't be significant enough to have a 'story' because Joser is all about stories.
So this is for him...my friend. He's changed my life in ways he'll never even know. I've learned, grown and become a better friend and even partner to my lover because of him. He helps me see through and clear to the heart of the problem and has been able to tell me when I'm just being a crazy woman (as all women are) or if I'm justified in my reasoning. Be's seen me at my most drunk and at my most sad and lowest points. I hope that I have been 1/10th as good a friend to him as he has been to me. Although he's just moving to another city, I feel it as keenly as if he were forever leaving my life. I know this is not the case and I know that we will see each other for I hope to always be a part of his life, at this moment, I miss his already and consumingly. With him and through him, I've learned to see the better parts of life that are merely a walk in any direction away.
I love you my friend.
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Sometimes I think I hate being a woman...and that's not true in the literal sense, but I hate the notion that I'm perceived as weak for have "emotions." I find myself feeling like I should apologize for having that more sensitive side and not "taking it like a man" or "sucking it up." Maybe my Mom erred and I will do the same if ever I have a daughter. Maybe I shouldn't tell her its okay to be upset, frustrated or show emotion...in the big kid world, its not so okay, but yet I can't always help what I am or how I feel. I'm not saying that I go around willy nilly crying all the time, but I see tears as the equivolent of men and thier need to lash out of fight. Some men get angry and they want to hit something, not necessarily a person, but they have a more physical side. Women, or at least me...I need to vent and sometimes, that comes by way of tears.
Do my tears mean a lack of control and therefore a lack of discipline, or do the lack there of actually show a cold uncaring and unfeeling disposition. I don't want to be at arms length from the things I feel and I don't necessarily what an on/off switch either. That smacks of insincerity... I plow through things, that's my way...even when I'm upset, I deal with the problem and situation head on. The sooner, the fresher, the more fire I can throw at it and yet that fire can burn. I'm not a child and yet I am still searching for that elusive middle ground.
Oh bother...
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I had an incident that's thrown me for a loop. Its made me wonder if I'm the person I've believed myself to be for so long. Its still all rolling around in my head...what was said, my inability to back down and be the bigger person. I feel directly responsible for the escelation although I know that I was not the one to lose control.
Why do so many men feel afronted by a woman that can stand her ground? Why must it resort to some sort of violence or belittling? If you are in control, does it really matter what another believes? If you're secure in yourself and what you speak of, isn't that enough? Why must you have another give to you or worse yet, cower?
Confusion.
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Finally back...its surreal. I feel as though I were suspended in time and now its all come crashing back. Don't like it one bit.
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Meeting the family is overrated...in the end, what can they say anyway? Whether or not they approve or disapprove will not make or break my relationship. Besides, my family is like most...they suck. :)
We are in NYC...I have a moment alone to sit with my thoughts. How things change so quickly. |
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I should be working and tomorrow I'm heading out of town on business, so I have plenty of work to do, but I have such an extreme headache.
I made a mistake this weekend and I'm still dealing with that fallout on top of work and a looming vacation where he gets to "meet the family." Craziness abounds.
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Yanno...I've never been a man basher. Its just not my style. I think that woman can be just as brutal and sadistically more evil then men, but sometimes...you just come across one in particular that you can't help but attach all the old adages to.
I wont be specific as I think that is less then me and for what I believe to be true, well, that would only make me more the fool, but I can say...what a f*cking PIG!
The end. :)
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I miss my journal and as much as I wish I could hide away, I need this. So I'm back as I left...mysteriously and for no big dramatic reason. No horrible tales to tell about liars and fakes or good ones to tell with happy endings. There's good, bad and it balances.
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God how very much I wish that I weren't who I am...to be another person and understand a point of view other then my own. Maybe then the things I see wouldn't hurt and the knowing would just go away...
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I have this feeling...and my mind can't let it go. And I wonder, is it trying to protect me or is the fear consuming me again.
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Amazing how the mind works...and it is constantly working. Thinking, calculating, putting things together, trying to make sense of what it doesn't understand. Sometimes is with full conscience and knowing and other times, its working it out quietly the repair the damage it feels is coming to your heart. The mind is cold and caculating...it is logical, or so it thinks. It finds its best solution and then pounds you to make a decision, to act, to do...
I'm yet unsure of how it all plays out...
My heart is heavy. Sometimes I think that there was no other outcome to be had. The questions had to be asked and any way they would have been asked would have been...sticky at best, but the answers...not complete but enough to know that my mind. It made a huge miscalculation, a huge mistake and most likely, one that there is no coming back from.
I want to believe that things will be as they will be and it might just all work out, but I'm a pretty smart girl and as big a mistake my mind made yesterday, the emotions are clear and it can now see the truth behind that cloud. If its meant to be, it will but decisions determine destiny and mine changed the course of my destiny last night. Not the first time, probably not the last, but definitely the most disappointingly sad. It will be one of so very few that I will look back on with the "if only..." mentality.
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So sad...
The true test of a person are at the most inconvenient times.
I am a muddle of emotions and thoughts. On the one hand, I have a man that I do not want, that I've made that clear to and yet he still persists. Its the weirdest thing, really because he says and acts like "its no big deal...whatever happens, happens" but he continues to be almost annoyingly persistant. I've done everything but tell him to go away. I do not hate time, he's a nice guy, funny and I don't mind continuing a friendship, but his idea of friendship seems to be way more...confining...then mine and I don't like it. I just want him to give me some time and space because I'm about ready to crack on him. I don't call any of my other friends everyday...sometimes not even once a week.
Then, the one that I do want and says all the right things...well, the actions just aren't going with it. If I could trade the actions of one with the words of the other, it would be perfect, but alas...its not possible and I'm left hoping that the one I want will step up in the way his beautiful words and notions do. When push comes to shove, I was forgotten and then my concerns dismissed. All it would have taken was a phone call...all I got were emails.
I'm so sad. I don't want to hurt the former, but I've no interest beyond a casual friendship and with the latter, I don't want to be hurt by him. All that he conjures in my minds eye is EXACTLY what I want, but all that I'm feeling is disappointment in what is seeming to me more and more as, "all talk."
If either reads this journal, they will both be angry...they will wonder why I feel this way and why I haven't talked to them and both will say that it is not as I feel it to be, but to both I say I have voiced my feelings.
One has chosen to ignore the bigger picture and continue down the path of what he wants without thought of what I DON'T want. We are not to be and never were. At one time it seemed a possibility but that possibility long passed way before any other person came into the picture.
The other, dismissing my worries and fears only hurts my feelings and makes me feel foolish. What I'm feeling maybe be unfounded, but all you have to do is tell me not to worry and not by emailing or texting it. Take the TIME to say, "all is well...don't worry." Ask that I trust you and I will. After all is said and done and I am the supposed "one" why is taking the time to dissuade my racing thoughts too much.
This is the exact thing that I worried about from day one with both. On one, I knew that it had no direction, but it was fun for awhile and so I let it continue even when I knew I shouldn't. And now, I'm regretting it so completely.
And the one I want...I knew it was all too fast. I knew that time would tell all I needed to know. I knew I shouldn't have wished and given in, but I believed and I did and now I see what my heart only alluded to. I'm neurotic and he's easy going...that never works. That just made me laugh...haha!
Yes, I'm neurotic...I over think things, and I stress and I have to be lead to the water to drink from it. I cannot take your word for it...I have to come to realizations on my own. I'm neurotic. Damn...I'm neurotic. And just a lil bit crazy too ;)
Okay, back to work. I'm EXTREMELY busy but as always, I have to purge the thoughts or they will sift unendingly inside me until they are poison on my lips.
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I'm in awe...
Is it possible that there truly is that one person out there that fits your missing puzzle piece so right, the whole picture comes into perfect focus? Is that just a fantasy for sappy romantics? Have I become that sappy romantic? I've found that I am...I want the flowers that make all your coworkers jealous, the I love you's that make others sick, that look in his eyes that causes shivers.
I never thought I would...I never even thought I could but I now see and want all those things that others have had and know that mine is different and infinitely more special for the worlds that we combine. Its not forced, its not difficult, its not imagined...
Its not perfect, for nothing ever should be, but its damn near and I'm in awe.
This is for you in the hopes that it remains as it is or gets better. With all that I am and have to give.
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What a weekend...
Some friends and I decided to head up to the lake and have some fun in the sun. I had forgotten just how much the sun zaps the crap out of you. By the time we all got back...I don't think there wasn't a zombie among us. It was surreal. We didn't even unload the vehicles until hours later. We literally all laid out all over the house and fell asleep.
I was the only one that didn't get a painful sunburn. :) I'm quite happy with my tan.
Anyhow...I'm really just wasting time today. I'm still pretty tired from this weekend and still managed to get up this morning and run. I think I'm insane. All I want to do is crash...literally. I'm crashing now, but I know when I get home there's laundry to do and dinner to cook. ::sigh:: Maybe it can wait til tomorrow...
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Grrr...that's what I have to say.
I was going to write a dissertation about the idiocy of some people, but I truly am trying to be better about being so critical. I'm always quick with the zingers when I should be wondering if its at all worth it.
In this case, it and he are not. So, I'll just say...I really don't like to be addressed as 'girl.' "Good Girl"...no problem (in fact, LOVE IT), "good luck girl"...BIG problem. Am I the only one that sees a difference?
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A lil on the bored side today so decided to view profiles. Of course, I could begin commentating on all the things I've read, but what's the point. We all say we are real and we all say we know what we want, but I wonder how true that really is.
Case in point, me...I feel as though fundamentally I know what I want and that when I come across it, in the marrow of my bones I'll know its right, but...well...yanno. I'm not so naive as to think that there isn't a learning curve and that the getting to know someone is always easy. If it were, I'm not sure it would be all that worth it, but I do feel you have to "click" with someone. That inperceptible fit that just seems to feel so tidy.
Maybe I'm too slow really...maybe I'm looking for the part that doesn't fit and then wander slowly away because in my mind, they've already failed to meet an unspoken expectation. I do know that what I've come across out there as well as in here thus far is "lack luster" for lack of a better term and I wonder if that's really more a reflection of me and where I am then anything else. Are the doubts about what I can actually be for someone then what they can be to me?
I've always taken pride in feeling I know myself quite well, although so much of me is instinct. I can't sit here and tell you every detail of what works and doesn't work for me and I can't even tell you that what one does would necessarily what I want from another, but I do want for the words to meet the truth of you. I want the actions to really drive your life. We could all sit and say what hobbies we have, what we like to do, but are we really out doing it? I love the ocean, would consider myself a romantic if I had a beach and fireplace, but that's just fantasy. Its not to say that given the opportunity I wouldn't curl by a fire and wander aimlessly looking for sea shells, but that's not life, or at least, not my life.
I work hard, and I like to think that I play hard. Sometimes, I party like a rockstar and crawl through my door just beating the dawn of a new day and others, I walk in the door after visiting a sick friend, curl up with a book and fall asleep within minutes in the middle of the day. That's life, at least mine... and its real. Why must I have a list of BDSM activities that I've performed or will allow? Why can't we take it as it comes, know what I like and be pushed to new things with another? Even the same old same old with a twist :)
This is not to say that I don't know what I want or like, but sometimes, caught in the moment under the sway of another will allow you something you might not have considered before. Reading something in a profile and then talking to them and knowing they know less about themselves then the laundry list of kinks....well...sad really. Because they know more about what hole they'd like to put it in the the kind of person that would truly fit that endeavor. In the end, what I've found is the kinky and lonely, and not one that is fulfilled outside of what they think they can gain from another.
So, blah blah blah, right? I'm sure its what those that actually write and read blogs have taken note of themselves, so its really all "preaching to the choir," but I suppose it needs to be said, for me anyway.
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What has happened to me...sheesh. Yanno, I used to have these lively fun blogs...at least I thought they were lively and fun. Now they are mundane and boring. I'm so freakin tentative and that's not me. Not to mention I sound like a ninny and again that's not me. D/s is not my life, its merely a facet of it. It does not comprise all that is me, but an important part of who I am, nonetheless.
So much of my life, actually all it of it right now, consists completely outside of D/s. Last night some girl friends and I had a BBQ at a park, got tipsy on wine and began doing cartwheels in the moist beautiful green grass, the night before that I was helping another friend make potato salad for a pot luck because he doesn't know how to cook. This weekend I will be watching a fight on PPV and celebrating 5 de Mayo...last week it was an all white dusk til dawn party for a friends birthday. I'm never want for something to do or company to do it with. I'm never want for a warm embrace or, a hearty laugh or a girlish giggle.
There's a clawing need in me to be dominated by a man that can truly be called a Dom, but a deep understanding that it can only come with time, trust and patience. Life is not lived within the confines of the four walls that are your home...its in the creativity of your mind, the doing of life. Don't talk to me about all the fantasies that you think you could fulfill when you know nothing of the person I am, and tell me nothing of making all my dreams come true when you have not asked what my dreams are.
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I wonder if there is such a thing as "too honest" when it comes to this whole D/s thing. You would think not, but it seems as that's not the case. I feel as though I'm supposed to be some kind of little china doll. I'm supposed to look pretty, sit and smile and say nothing...stay in that one position until some Dom comes around, pulls me off the shelf, dusts me off and plays with me. And still, I'm supposed to behave and/or act according to what they do, how they play, what they say, but in all this, where is the room to be who you are. To sometimes say things that may not always be appropriate, fully understanding that there are consequences to those things at times, but feeling the freedom to say them anyway, to be and do as you would in the world you live.
Bleah...there is more in this whole thought, but I don't think I'm ready to share it all. However, I can say that there are those that would have me believe that I should feel bad or guilty for being the way that I am...outspoken, headstrong and savvy. That can never and will never happen because then, I wouldn't be me. That I could stand to learn some things, of course; that I'm a bit rough around the edges, very much so...but those to me are opportunities for betterment, not despair...no?
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I'm tentatively back...
I took some time to reflect on many things, in and out of this lifestyle. I had a very short, but very profound exchange with a Dominant that really had me thinking. There were many things he said that he was absolutely right on target about me and I will not argue those things...its futile. I will say that I try always be a considerate person, truly...sometimes I fail, as I think that we all can at times, but I everyday I try. I try never to do anything that is intentionally mean, hurtful or cruel. If I've done so to you...call me on it for its not meant as it may be coming out.
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One gathers hope where there is none to be had. I believe myself to be a witty person for the most part. I love to laugh and love people that make me laugh. Please understand where you stand in the exchange. I always make it clear and yet what now comes is disdain.
I'm thinking that maybe I shouldn't be here...can't win for losing. I don't really feel bad because I know I've done nothing wrong, but disappointed in the maturity, or lack there of, in others. I would write more for a feel a rant coming on, but I'm seriously coming down with something and am feeling extremely under the weather. My throat hurts and I'm feeling feverish...but just wait til I feel better :)
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Today we will be discussing lies...perceived by one, denied by another. How do we accept what another is telling you when your heart leads you down another path? How do you allow trust to take hold and really take root? When the history is not long or maybe the "relationship" has not yet been tried, how do you allow the current events be that determining factors without allowing the past of other relationships (yours and his) be those markers for your choices today? Do you go with words or feelings? How do you know which is right...how do you judge fairly?
Questions, questions...all for which I wish I had answers to, but do not. One answers leads to another question and I wonder if it should be as easy as, "listen to you heart/listen to your head" because they say two different things and the truth is somewhere between them. So maybe in the end, the true question is in the knowing that there is some truth and some gray areas...do you allow the gray to come to light later and trust in the truth of what you DO know, or protect yourself now and before the gray becomes the light of truth or blackness of lies?
Self preservation for a person like me is quick to kick in...I run fast and hard from what I am unsure about, but I'm being asked to believe, to give a chance to understand and get to know. I feel such fear...fear in the idea that I might already know what will come to pass. Its the inperceptable changes that guide me...but are those changes because of his world away from me or because of something directly related to me?
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Angry Dom Alert...yes, this is an ADA!
He's back. Now, I've made promises to be a good girl and not criticize so I will just hope with all my might you find him and have a smile and maybe even a chuckle at his expense. I think he gets off on people thinking he's a mean bastard, so I wont say that he is...
He's actually probably pretty typical...just tired of not being able to find what he's looking for. Too bad, so sad for him...there are a lot in that boat, but I think his antics just single him out. I'd feel pity, but why for...he'd only hate me for it if he knew and well...never pity people, its not good karma.
So yes, I just ran across his profile and I had myself another lil gigglefest. I love to journal about him because it gives me endless entertainment and right now, I'm EXTREMELY bored at work.
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Its been awhile...probably because I'm happy.  Seriously though, I write when I'm at some crossroads or have something on my mind; it helps me sort it out. This morning though, I got a message that I think was meant to insult, only...I found it amusing on many levels.
It was once again, and I find the silliest emails are usually from so gooder with "Master" in his handle. Anyway, from some so-called Master***9 where in he advises me to try eharmony. That was it...just a one line email saying "try eharmony you'll have more luck." To my mind, its a more subtle insult because I didn't get it right away...I know, I must be stupid, and maybe I am, but insults to me are more "good luck cow" or some crap like that, but this was not that...hmmm...outward, for lack of a better word. So, in the face of subtle and was going to respond just the same. I believe in kill em with kindness so I was merely going to reply "thanks for the advice...I'll take it under advisement," but the goofy idiot blocked me.
Now doesn't that beat all...I think that's a first for me and I tell you, I'm still chuckling. I mean seriously...blocking someone because you insulted them. That's probably about the most chicken sh*t thing I've ever encountered. So, considering this silly coward has come across my profile at least once to have written, he will probably come across it again, so this is for him....
1) You're obviously not a reader...I seek only friendship here and its clearly stated on my profile
2) I think you'll do to learn some manners and grow some balls...you're lacking in both
3) Good luck in your search...you're sorely in need of divine intervention.
Let this be a lesson folks, and this is for anyone...if you have the gumption to try and insult someone, first...make it good. I mean, c'mon...let's be obvious. In the end, what the heck do you have to lose? Its a complete stranger; you'll never see them again...make it worth it. And secondly, if your ballsy enough to take that first step and actually insult someone, then stand up and take what's coming to you. Blocking them when you started has got to be the most ridiculous thing I've seen, not to mention absolutely cowardly. Besides, you might find that the response amuses you and may prove your insult right. If you block, its probably more likely you're the one deserving of the insult, you nincompoop!
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Its amazing what we know and yet deny. I can feel it slipping away...slowly. Its the smallest things, almost insignificant and yet it means everything.
As I sit here and write this, I am sad because I know it's different, but there is naught I can do. Things will be as and what they are. We cannot change overnight and we cannot change others. Those are losing battles from the moment you start them.
So here is my last sigh, my last look at what might or could have been. My eyes are forever forward, my eyes are forever for me and what will make me whole.
Happy New Year!  |
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I am so extremely upset at this moment...the yahoo ID that I've had for years now is suddenly "deactivated." I don't know what the hell is going on or even why, but its gone. I had pictures on there, email...I can't get to my contact list. I'm totally shut out. I'm so freakin pissed!!
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Rules...rules...rules...what are the rules?
It seems to me that we are all frustrated about the same thing, but as usual...fail to see the other side. I am as guilty as the next. What are the rules...how and where do you go from here?
Scenario:
Sign on to CM and boom...picture of someone you haven't come across before. We are visual creatures so the first thing to strike you is OF COURSE...the way they look. Its pleasing to your eye, you smile and begin to think those...
Think those what? Realistically, you've only just seen this persons face. The route to go from here is two fold. First, look to see if they have more pictures. Me, I don't trust one face shot and I don't care what your reasons for not having a picture...its necessary. I can understand fear of being 'found out' or what not, but then be prepared, if you contact that person, that either you will/should share a pic or at least be ready for outright rejection on principles. No pictures makes people think there is something to hide. Its only fair...here you are, contacting a person to who's picture you've just reacted to, and yet, you will not share the same. You are not allowing them to maybe have potentially the same reaction as you. At the very least, you are not giving them a choice...you are saying "here..I'm contacting you...accept me, you'll like me...I promise." You got to make your choice about me based on my looks, why do I not get the same in kind? How can you expect them to trust words, when so many are empty? Not that a picture adds to the words, but it sure gives up a jumping off point as far as attraction goes. One has had the opportunity yet not affording the other the same...that is the thing about pics.
But we continue...and the next step is to continue READING! Why don't we ever read? So much is right there...really. I find that there is a bigger percentage of people with something meaningful and important for you to know in their profile then not. Why would we want to waste our time with something that maybe gorgeous, but totally NOT compatible. We are adults, we've come to the places we are by choices, discovering and knowing who we are, so why would we think that we can change someone else mind about certain things "if only..." I'm not saying that changing another person isn't possible, but its not likely and do you really want to waste your time and energy on a stranger. A face on a profile? Its the combination of the two that makes an informed contact something more likely to get somewhere...its the face with the brains. There cannot be one without the other. Even the cruelest of sadist like the idea of a well informed, extremely intelligent slave...it makes her surrender all the sweeter.
A little common sense and some basic reading skills can go a long way in determining not only the beginnings of compatibility, but knowing the validity of the words on a page. I've found that most of the genuine people, well...they tend to write journals. Maybe not frequently or even with much regularity, but they do write them. They try to use them to dispel certain ideas that others have gathered or to vent frustrations and there is so much to be learned by them. If nothing else, that there is a real person feeling so much of the same as another. Its refreshing and it humanizes us. Makes that Dom a lil less intimidating...maybe at least enough to gather up the courage to contact him.
I think that CM has managed to run off a lot of good people because there are so many on here that have no clue. They have no clue who they are as a person so really have no clue as to what their role is in this forum. They've not explored even their own minds let alone what might be asked of them. Its okay to be a newbie or a novice, but if you are those things, why would you be so willing to say 'no no no...' without considering the scenarios put to you?
Maybe I'm a bit of a hypocrite...I say these things and yet have been guilty of the very things I disdain, but I can say that I try. I have my rules...yes, I do, fair or not, they are mine and they suit me in finding what it is I want, but I put my rules forth. I'm very open about what I seek and what I can and can not do. I do not flake or falter. I am not a slave because I do not even yet feel I'm a satisfactory sub, much less going further down that path. It is not myself I'm trying to protect from saying or being this way, but my own Master. What kind of person would I be to lie...to say that I will be his slave and yet find myself unable to do what is required? What does it say about me if I give myself a label that I well know I am not...not now and maybe not ever.
I will not share or be shared by my Master because it would totally decimate the person that I am, the very person that he loves and cherishes. It will not build me up or make me stronger...it will kill my heart and soul to not be the one and only. I know this because I've lived this...but that's about me.
The basics really...just read...ask questions. You don't need to write a dissertation, but say something meaningful. My very best Master was a man of so few words and yet they were powerful ones. Be true and be honest.
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Childishness abounds. I got a message recently from a person that wished me to consider a poly relationship and I said no so he got offended and called me 'girl.' Silly really, but I see where it came from and why he felt he needed to react that way. Pride and I can accept that, but let me make myself clear with this particular subject. I am a one-on-one kind of person. I do not wish to be shared and I do not wish to share my Master. If, in anyone's opinion, that is "limiting" him, then he is not right for me. This lifestyle means different things to different people and I do not believe that everyone needs to swing in that way. I know myself well enough to know that I cannot live within a poly relationship. I don't want to be a "sister" sub...I want to be his only. I've got sisters, I don't need a master to decide for me who the next one will be.
Poly is a choice and I do not chose poly. So please, if that is what you seek, go right past me. There are many things that I might learn to accept and ways I may change, but that is NOT one of them. We have free will and I will not change in that regard. I don't understand and chose not to go down that path. If you cannot respect that, then why even bother sending a message to me. I can assure you that you are wasting your time. My choice is not limiting you, its limiting me and that's fine with me so why should any person be offended by that? It makes no sense.
Merry Christmas. |
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Ah Christmas....
This time of year always gets people to thinking family and friends and apparently, lack of a significant other to share it with as well. Today, I've received many messages, more then usual and it got me to thinking...
Would I be getting so much interest if the season didn't intensify the feelings of "lonliness," for lack of a better term. I guess I want to put that out there. I'm not for everyone...I'm opinionated and I'm not afraid to share those views. Nor do relinquish my ideas so easily because someone finds me interesting or beautiful. I appreciate the sentiments, but being single (and I'm not even fully single yet) doesn't mean that I will accept offers "just because." Why does it seem so many Masters can impart their prefences, likes dislikes and what have you, but don't really like anything that contrary. Different is just that, different. Doesn't have to be bad and if my different does not suit, I'm sure there are others that will. Life is give and take, we cannot have it all...its not realistic. Consider this because even being a Master, you will not always win nor will you always be right. |
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I'm so excited...I got my first spam message.
Yes, yes...you would think as long as I've been on CM, I would have received many, but nope. I see various posts from numerous people talking about how annoyed they are from these spam messages, but I was always in the dark. I was beginning to think they were nothing more then an urban legand and then last night...there it was.
I'm so a real CM member now |
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Okay so there's this jerk...only, he's not a jerk and I was wrong.
I was wrong that I should judge so harshly and be so critical of a person that I know so little about.
I feel shame for becoming what I never meant to become and for using this forum in a way that was never intended.
For myself and for those that I have been so callous about, I need to apologize. I will save my tirades for those that come to me with silliness, not seek it out in those that innocently and by their right share opinions as I do. I must learn to take what I give and just appreciate and varied opinion. |
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Okay so there's this jerk...
Did I get your attention? I hope so.
But seriously...there's this jerk on this site that is just annoying. I say he's a jerk because anyone this fake can't be anything but a jerk.
No, he's never been nasty to me or anything of the kind, I just really hate fake people and he's fake to the core. I've actually written about him once before because he faked the age on his profile, which...come to think of it, I think he changed it back. But anyway, he's constantly changing it (his profile), the journals are discarded every time he writes something new, most likely because people will realize how much he contradicts himself, and he, what I like to call, name drops. Meaning, he'll mention things...well, it's better explained with an example.
He has a new entry, the one and only again, in his journal and he talks about subs, like usual. Mind you, his last journal, or maybe it was a few before, I haven't read his crap in about a month, but I digress. His last entry was not very kind about subs on this site, to which, he has the right to his opinion. I'm sure there are many that are not very nice, but he goes on and on about them not having respect, and those that do are fat, and blah blah blah about them not knowing the true meaning of being a sub (as if he could ever fathom it considering he's no concept of Dom). So yeah, he's not so happy and he's writing about it...no dig on that, but this time around, he's talking about subs as though these poor things have been made nasty, mean and snobbish by all these borish "Doms" that attack them as soon as they make a profile on this site. He goes one step further (and herein lies the name dropping) to say that he has first hand experience on how these subs are inundated by these so-called Doms because he's had just oh so many subs at his home using his computer to check their collarme profiles to delete all these unwanted messages. Considering some of his stuff I've read and how he has such disdain for must the subs on here, how is it he knows so many from this very site that are deleting massive amounts of messages being sent to them daily. And why are either of these kinds of people on this site. If they are just deleting messages and he's just not liking these good-for-nothing subs, why not...go. There's a concept.
Big HUGE flippin eyeroll here and I'll tell you why. First, lemme tell ya'll a thing or two about chics and I don't care if chics don't agree because the ones that don't...are lying. I promise. We are shallow creatures...yes, shallow. Not in the worst possible way, no...its not like we are absolutely hateful, but we love attention. Meaning, when we sign on to collarme or any other site for that matter and have 10, 50 or even just 1 new message, it brings a smile. Why...that's affirmation, which every single one of us craves. Affirmation that someone out there liked what they read, saw or felt about us. Now, this is not getting into the meat of it all and as quickly as we smile at seeing that red bold font saying "new messages", we can frown once we see who its coming from or what they might say because we are also fickle. But even then, its never like a "oh whoa is me...ANOTHER 10 men liked me...boohoo!" Its more like, "damn...eek...what do I do if I'm not interested? Will they get nasty? Should I reply? All he said was "hi" what do I say to that? And so on and so forth. Trust me when I say that we are not all upset about new messages and we are definitely going to a strangers house, or even a new friend, to respond or delete this 'barrage' of messages. I mean, it doesn't even make sense what he says. He has lil newbie know-nothing subs at a DOM's house, checking their collarme messages in order to delete or even worse, respond to them. In what world does that make sense or happen?
Man my fuse is short. I'm done on this fool. He's silly...and entertainment all rolled into one. How cool is that?
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Just a few lines because I'm going down forthe night...
Went to Tampa on business.
Had a GREAT time...really really wonderful.
Coming home was a disaster.
Dallas Airport SUCKS!
Now I need a nap!
G'nite!
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Yanno, if I'm ever caught on here during working hours, I'm so fired, but here I am....I can't help it. This journal calls to me, especially when I'm most bored and/or in turmoil. Funny thing is that I come here to vent or to just put thoughts down and I invariably get sucked up into reading something else someone has up or nonsense.
Its really not bad because it does so give me food for fodder, but its amusing to me.
Today's topic:
Lying About Your Age
I signed on and a profile I've seen many times before was on. This particular person has contacted me before, and although a seemingly nice enough person, I just wasn't interested in continuing the contact. Not to mention there was a series of misunderstanding that just got downright silly and frustrating. He didn't "get" where I was coming from and after 2 lengthy messages, I just didn't care if he did or didn't anymore. I mean, somethings just shouldn't be so hard. Sometimes, when you don't seem to understand another's point of view and there seems no way to even concede to "agree to disagree" then its just nonsense, and that's what it was coming to.
Besides, I sought nothing more then friendship and it felt like with ever message he was trying to clear this up in order for "us" to move forward. My only "us" is currently with Sir, no matter how friendly I may seem to be. There are boundaries that I will NOT cross because I have integrity, respect and a certain love for the one that I have chosen (luckily, he choses me back thus far ;o). I never profess to know the future or that ours is a perfect union, but it is a relationship until one of us decides its not to be anymore.
But as usual, I digress. So, from time to time, I am confronted with his profile and its is ALWAYS different. And I don't mean about changing a lil something here n there or adding to his journal...we are talking a 180 from the previous. Artistic renditions of the same picture, poems, songs, journal entries and general profile period. For whatever reason, he seems to throw out old journals, which I find silly and sad. I love to look back and see how my opinions have changed, but maybe his have changed so much is almost something to hide. But, whatever...to each, his/her own.
Anyway, I always take the time to read most of his stuff. I tend to skip over the poetic crap because well...who cares why. Sharing my why's is of no consequence, I just tend to skip it. Overall he's gone from the portraying the typical guy, to the rough tough dominant, to the no way-no care one, even gentleman kind sensitive type...its like he can't decide, or maybe they are all facets of him, which is fine, but it just seems strange to stradle such a wide spectrum. He's practically doing the splits trying to cover it all. But again, to this, I say...whatever. His profile, his choice. I read, sometimes I chuckle, sometimes just roll my eyes and continue.
What was most notable this time around was his age. You know me...ageism abounds for me. Yes yes...how horribly terrible. I've heard it all, but its the way of it people. I can befriend ANYONE...literally, but romantically, I chose ONLY those within mostly about 5 to 7 yrs plus or minus. Younger, its probably closer to no more the 3 yrs younger and older....well, I give about 10 yrs, give or take depending how...hmmm..."fatherly" you seem. I have a young spirit, I need someone that not only understand and appreciate it, but to keep up and fly with it. Not because it 'makes them feel young' but because they are, if that makes sense.
So this guy basically had no chance even from the word go because (at the time) my relationship was fledgling and best AND he was in his 50's. 50's is NOT old, trust me...I know that. I don't think my Mom or my Dad is old, but it is older and being that my parents are in their early 50's the thought of "he could be my Dad" is never far from me and that's what seeing 50'something does for me. Its sad but true...its immediate and unstoppable. So yeah, I absolutely KNOW this guy is in his 50's...early 50's mind you, mid 50's at most, but in his 50's. Today, the very intro to his profile it says he's 35. Hmmmm...
So, I'm thinkin..."am I crazy...maybe I forgot or..." well, I don't have a well, but I went diggin for old messages because I vague remember this being a topic and sure enough...yeah...50's so, uhm...why lie? See, I'm constantly seeing how these Dom's want "height/weight proportion" or "slim/athletic build" which is cool. I'm never offended by such things. We all want what we want and there should be no apologies for that, but in so doing, nor should they want one thing and lie about themselves. C'mon guys. On principle, if your gonna lie, shouldn't you at least stay somewhat close to your age especially if you don't look 35 and you DO look closer to 50.
Silliness abounds...you got chicks lying about what they look like and guys lying about their age...what's this world coming to? ;)
I find this in no way disturbing or anything of the kind, just funny...curious at most. Is it really that hard out there for guys? I always thought chics had it WAYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyy worse. Guys age and its like a fine wine...debonaire, regal, mature, distinguished and wiser...even rugged, but women...its just "old." The one thing that I did think that I could always count on men for is being men...age notwithstanding, they can hang no matter what. ;)
I'm done. |
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Funny how I get such wonderful messages when I sign on late at night. The last couple of days, I've not been able to sleep. I have much on my mind and can't seem to settle myself enough to sleep well.
When that happens, I sometimes get online and surf. I'll write in my journal, or read silly things, I sign on here and other sites just to kind of check things out. When I sign on late at night, generally speaking, I tend to get more messages then usual. Sometimes the are the typical one liners, but of late, they have been so...refreshing.
Maybe they are like I, and being up late, take the time to read more since there's not much else to do. Either way, they do actually read my profile and put such thought in their messages and I absolutely love and revel in that. The last 4 messages I've received have been so kind, thoughtful, smart AND funny. I'm all about humor so its endearing when I can laugh at a message.
I'd like to express my appreciation. It's times like this I'm actually sorry that I'm involved...not that I don't care for my s/o, but these people seem so genuinely good and it make you want to hug them :) I wouldn't trade what I have, but if I could put it on hold just to have a wonderfully different and new dinner conversation with another, I do it in a heart beat.
I wish you all well in all that you seek and know that my hand of friendship is ALWAYS extended! |
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I just want to say that I was robbed!! Robbed I tell you ;o)
For Halloween, and YES, I dressed up for Halloween and I'll not hear comments from the peanut gallery. Anyway, for Halloween I dressed up as a banana. But not just any banana, I was the dog Brian from the Family Guy tv show with maracas and everything. Had my Peanut Butter Jelly song and dance all practiced and performed but they gave some Lil Red Riding Hood the 3rd place award.
I didn't expect first or second...the two that won those places were VERY original and extremely good, but I was the ONLY person that was really all into it. In front of 40-something people I performed my lil song and prances around in a ridiculously giant banana costume that kept gettin stuck and yet I didn't place.
::sad sigh:: Next year, that's IT! Cute is out, forget funny...I'm going straight up hoochie. Letting my inner slut out for the masses and dressing up as a whore! ;) Okay, maybe not but I will look hot!
Happy Halloween!! |
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I've just been told that I should not be offended by the use of the word "girl" when being addressed. That it is a "lifestyle" term and not meant with disrespect, but I disagree. Bitch is not necessarily meant disrespectfully or hurtfully, but is not just randomly said. We do not go around saying it to strangers, but when with a friend, I have playfully called my friends such. Operative word...friends. We have a relationship of somekind, a familiarity and I know that I have permission, if you will, to refer to them thus. They are very aware that it is said without malice or anger and just a word in jest.
Being referred to as girl is the same for me. Its not that I specifically dislike it and there have been those that having become more familiar with me, have called me thus, but only after knowing me. They have never and would never assume to call me anything less then my given name. So yes, I DO indeed believe that being called "girl" is meant disrespectfully and reject the notion that I should not take it that way simply because it is a "lifestyle" term. My BDSM lifestyle might be very different from another's. The only universal truth and to me, paramount is respect for another. Do not assume that you may call them "girl" simply because they are female. I do not wish to be referred to in those terms until you and I become a "we" and "we" think its okay.
Until that time, your opinion on how I should regard the word is not withstanding, its MY opinion on how I should regard that word that counts. And in MY opinion, I don't like it and don't want to be referred thus until I feel more comfortable with someone. |
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Disturbing....or not, but to me it is.
I got a message to day with these three lines:
You are exactly what I seek...care to chat?
do you have msn?
quite simply gorgeous.
Now, some might think that this is a good thing, right....for someone to think you are gorgeous (or handsome ;) and that in you, they see it all, but me...I'm a realist and honestly, there ain't much in which I don't smell bullshit. How can you possibly know from one fawking look that someone else is what you seek. Sure, attraction is great and when you see something you like, it makes you want more, but I'm sure it doesn't say, "go take it...you must have it." I mean, how can you know by someone's look that they are "exactly" anything except pleasant to look at.
I'm so bothered...so disturbed, wrong description, I'm downright bugged. No name, no hello, not a damn thing except those silly three lines. And what's really funny, is that its obviously I'm exactly what he's NOT seeking because when I responded, he didn't have a flipping word to say back to me. Figures and absolutely typical. |
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Hum de dum...what to write, what to write.
Today has, overall, been a slow day for me. I'm watching tick on by so I can get out of here and head to the gym. I didn't do much this weekend and I feel awful about that, but I cannot get the time back so might as well make amends on the treadmill. Haha...but seriously.
Ohhhh...yes...I know what I'll talk about. My most current messages. Those are always fun. And of course, there's absolutely no worry about one of these "Doms" reading my opinion because its increasingly obvious they don't read a damn thing. But its okay because this is my food for fodder and I have all kinds of fun here on my journal.
My most recent annoyance is a Dom that stays just barely within the gray of the rules. Not my rules to him, but my rules for myself. Basically, the way I feel about the whole "responding" things is that if they have a pic, write more then one line, they I respond in kind...which means they get as many lines as they write me. Usually this is enough of a smartass thing that it merits no further correspondence from them. Yay! But there are those that either a) don't get that I'm being a smart ass and really just testing or b) take a one liner as "hope" and run with it. I'm not sure which is worse but I'll discuss both cuz I can.
First, the "don't get it" brand...well, I could forgive their ignorance because not everyone gets me and my humor and/or remarks, but it does make me wary. I mean, if they don't get the simple stuff I could be is for some trouble. Eventually they will think I'm being disrespectful or being coy. Neither being the case. I'm only coy when I'm interested and only in an off handed kind of way...I do not seek to trap or play; tis not my style.
We move on to the "hopies." Yup, that's my made up word. These are sad....why would you have hope from something that barely speaks and what makes you think you can immediately get familiar and start calling her "baby" after a response like "hi. I am fine." Where in that did it seem that I "fell for you" and its okay for you to use endearments? I don't mind endearments...I like em, lots but when appropriate. Trust me, one 2 line response is not your cue for 'baby,' 'honey,' or 'sweetheart.'
So on to this gray area Dom...he's not dumb, that I can tell...don't ask me why or how, but I'm an instict girl and I can tell, but he doesn't care either. He doesn't care that I'm only responding with one or two lines and continues his lil game. I'm thinking he thinks its cute and he's holding out because he just "knows" I'm gonna finally break down and ask more questions or say more, but he couldn't be more wrong. First, I'm not even interested and I think my curt responses have given that away aplenty and secondly, since I'm not interested I do care enough to ask more. If anything, I'll quit responding entirely because the 50 key strokes it takes to send "thanks and you" is really NOT worth it.
Damn...someone came along and I've lost my train of thought so I must end this here before I just sound silly because I make no sense. My quick conclusion to this is if you do read this Mr. One Liner, quit writing me so I don't have to be the bitch that quits first.  |
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Yay!! I was so frustrated right now and about to write about how today has been a bust thus far, but joy of joys! Ahh yes...my favorite local angry Dom has posted yet another hate spewed journal entry. I find him EXTREMELY amusing because like or hate him, he's whitty. Seriously. I read his stuff and I can't help myself, I giggle out loud.
So my frustration has evaporated in the face of such antics by this guy and I give him kudos.
Bouncing happily back to my work. |
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So, I have an opinion and I want to share it :)
There is this guy on this site that is married and apparently, he and his wife have come to an understanding. She is not interested in BDSM and he is and has been. After so long of not giving into his, what he calls, "darker side," he's come to the realization that he can no longer deny it and must do something to appease it. So, his wife is allowing online play, which is all he seeks.
Now, looking at this, on the surface...it all seems pretty good. I mean, I can respect the guy. He loves his wife, he, as we all, wants his cake and to eat it too. It would be perfect if it were his wife that were willing to make the cake and serve it to him, but she's not and at least, she is giving him some way of letting him have it. Two adults, speaking their minds, understanding each other and coming to a seemingly mutual agreement, but I tell ya....every which way I look at it, this guy is getting shafted and he claims to be a dominant. 
This lifestyle allows for all kinds, which is wonderful, but in order to live it, you must know and admit things that can be quite difficult. In this life, nobody would classify me as a sub and in knowing and meeting me, I am not such...I do not cower and lower my eyes because another claims to be Dominant. As all things, it takes time and only action proves someone elses Dominance and that brings out the submissive in me. I cannot help and want to be down on my knees ready to do anything asked of me from a man such as that. We all have weakness and vulnerability, its human nature, but I don't know...I don't think its something to be worn on your sleeve, especially NOT a Dominant, which is exactly what that guy does...not to mention that it is his wife whom is obviously the dominant. 
His profile is CONSTANTLY updated with things because his wife has either criticized something and he feels bad or she's come to some new realization and changes the rules on him. I mean, I'd almost feel sorry for him if I didn't think it was so pathetic. And I know that is so harsh and so wrong for me to judge. I don't know this man, and I only know what little I know from his very in depth journals (I'm a reader  ), but geez. He puts it all out there and I can't help but scoff at him and the "whipped dog" syndrome I see in him. He even questions his own Dominance or ability therein.
Personally, I think that guy is at BEST a switch and more likely, submissive, as he is thus in his life for his wife everyday. I'm sure she's a good person, but I'll tell you what...the picture that he paints of her...she's seems a controlling witch. And this is the picture HE paints. To me, the most telling descriptions of people, are those given freely when not asking. When you listen to what they describe the other doing and saying. If you were to ask him about her, I'm sure he'd only give you the best parts, but in sitting back and just reading the everyday events b/n them...you get such a picture. Not the full scope, but a seriously good look at how and what things are like in that household.
This guy doesn't even realize that the reason another guy has allowed him "supervisory" role over his sub while he's not around is because, in my opinion, he doesn't feel the guy a true Dominant at all. If he did, he'd have been more discerning as to whom would be the supervisor for his sub in his absence. There is no threat with this guy...no threat that he would ever even compare.
So my disclaimer here...I could be wayyyyy off base, but I doubt it and it is my opinion, so it doesn't matter. |
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Goodness its been a long time.
I really don't have much to say because things are good...haha ;)
Really though, my s/o and I are doing very well, I'm happy, healthy and satisfied. I can think of no specific pet peeves I even want to address. I think I had one a few days ago, but all those things fly away with the blowing of the wind. I tend not to hold onto things once I've gotten to say my peace about it. I guess I just feel the need to be heard...as long as he hears me out, even if he doesn't agree, but at least validates me by listening, I'm quite happy.
Duty now calls... |
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Ahhh...vacation. Woohoo!
Actually, I'm still working right now, and I should be working because I'm SLAMMED here, but I just had to take a moment to remind myself to breath...let it all go and say "f*ck it!" As of tomorrow 6:57am, it just wont matter one way or another because I wont be here to fix it.
Miss me.
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Uhg...today was such a bust! And I had such plans.
My Honey is out of town and so is my Mother, so I was going to spend all day drinking wine and getting a tan lounging by her pool, but as it happens...its an awful day! Its all over cast and no sun ::sigh:: Well, mostly no sun but its still hot as hell.
I've got a good story to tell though so not all is lost.
A couple of hours ago...more then a couple, but that's neither here nor there. The point is the sun did finally come out for a bit. So I threw on my bathing suit bottoms, a button down shirt grabbed my wine and headed outside. My Mom's backyard is walled in, so I was really not concerned about sun bathing topless and I do so love it. Feels so decadent! Anyhow, I got at least a good hour of sun before it began to disappear again...not bad not great. I headed in and decided that I would just catch up on my phone calls with old friends and lounge indoors instead of out. As I was on the phone, there was a knock on the door and it was a young teenage boy...probably about 15 yrs. old.
I'm still in my bathing suit bottoms and my button down, but I'm decent so I open the door and ask him if I can help him. As he's asking if he can "talk to me" I'm kind of looking around for a box full of candies or something that he might be selling so I'm not really completely aware of what he's saying..that and I'm on the phone, so I look at him again and say "what?" And he says "nothing...I just wanted to to talk to you when you have time...maybe later?" By this time, I'm getting a bit suspicious and wondering where the hell this kid came from and if he's not selling something what he wants. I ask my friend to hold on, put down the phone and say "what....what is it you want?" And again he says "I just wanted to talk to you...but...well, when you have time...later." I'm still a lil puzzled so I just ask him outright if he's even from my neighborhood and he tells me yes that he's my neighbor so I ask, "what...what's the problem. Do you need something? Is there something wrong?"
Again he says no, but this time says, "well I just wanted to talk to you. I was hoping I could come in and talk to you," and it hits me....
This kid saw me topless. I didn't go outside undressed, and I did look around, but thought it was all clear and disrobed...he must have been outside or something. Anyway...basically, the kids a peeping tom and thought he could come over here and...actually, I don't know what he thought. That he could mack to a 32 yr old woman just cuz he saw her topless. Too funny and utterly ridiculous.
So the conclusion is I just told him "no...I'm busy and I'm leaving later" and he seemed dejected and said "oh okay....that's fine. Never mind sorry" but I'm just a bit disturbed. I mean, no 15 yr old that I knew back in the day was as ballsy as this kid so what exactly did he think or how far did he think he could go or get. Even not knowing I'm 32, I know he sees me here at my Mom's periodically and I'm obviously NOT 16, 17 or even 18 so what?? No 15 yr old boy is all that to think he can hit up on someone twice his age.
Men...they never change. :) Its kinda cute. |
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I wonder...is it okay to find someone else so utterly f*cking sexy without really knowing them all that well? Wouldn't that, to some extent, add to that sex appeal? A deep purring voice over the air waves to my wanting ears... They take it all in and on a sigh my eyes close imagining what it would be like to be there...to be near.
Even just to stand in the same room to hear it coming closer and closer, or even the feel the hot breath that comes with it against that perfect spot behind my earlobe as I lay there waiting. It is quite a nice picture, is it not? Brings a nice tingling warmth with it...and where there is warmth, there is sure to be fire. A fire to burn so hot and yet to leave no outward scars...comsuming just the same.
Yummy.
Such a bad girl...I know I am, but what in life is good without the spice of bad 
Kisses to you...you know who you are. |
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Hum de dum...its Sunday and time for my weekly drivel about this or that, but I find it tiresome right now...to speak of the same things over and over. Thing is, I have a lot to say, I always do just feeling that bit of anger and I HATE when what I write has that slash of hostility in it. Its really quite so unlike me and can really put people off. That is not what I wish to do or what I want others to get from me when they read my journals, if they read them.
It was an extremely busy week and set to get busier I know. Friday I felt as though I did nothing all day but yell at vendors for their idiocy and mistakes and trying to help THEM solve the problems they created for me. It seems like it would be frustrating and to some degree it is, but I so do love my job. Its a thrill to really let someone have it with never a voice raised or a vulgar word spoken. It's me they have to please and not the other way around at work, but in that same token...I'm always the one that has to be in control and have the answers. I don't balk at those responsibilities, they come with my title, but having to be the boss all day long and tell everyone else what to do...well, its exhausting and I want NONE of it in my personal life.
I realize there is an ebb n flow....a give and take to it all, but overall, I wish to take care of another in the most simple and pure forms. Having a warm clean home for him to arrive to, taking care of him in the most basic ways and not having to worry about the major ones. I've done it enough and still do it at work. I desire his strength to be the one to lead from the moment I step outside of my office to the moment I must step back in. Not that he need make my every decision...I'm an adult, I have a mind, I know right from wrong, but I wish him and his desires to guide my desires and decisions.
This is not an easy road to travel...I pass and fail with my current everyday. Sometimes it is QUITE difficult to be all keyed up from work and then come home and let it all go. Not want to charge in and just 'do'...part of that has to do with being single and being used to doing it alone without thought of another, but I learn and I bend and when I don't well...sometimes the learning can be fun still and sometimes not, but trust me...I learn.
Okay...I'm done for now. I do not wish to speak of the other things that came up in my messages. They do not merit further thought or discussion...at least not today.
Be well folks! Remember, have fun and play naughty. |
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I find it amazing that almost every profile I see on here, men talk about not wanting "fat" chics or taking care of themselves and wanting the same of their sub. Basically its all about "NO FAT!" and yet, I cannot begin to tell you how many messages I get from these very men. Are my curves more acceptable then another because they are in the so-called "right places"? So because its just my ass and tits that are big, its okay?
I suppose I'm a little put off. I have nothing to lose or gain from people here. I have something good right now and I've never really used this site for "hooking up" so its neither here nor there, but I find that fascinating. I do take care of myself and I've come a LONGGgggggggggg way from where I was, but I've still got so much more to go and in my head, I will ALWAYS be what I was...the fat girl turned (turning) thin. So...if you are one of those Doms and you want to contact me, I have no problem, but be VERY sure that you are quite respectful on your views of it all because what you see is not always what once was.
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Ah dilemmas, dilemmas....
My current wishes me to do somethings that I am not yet comfortable with. It's not that I'm saying no, but more that I'd like to be "eased" into these things...
He's not a very patient man, I must say that and overall, that's not so horrible. I can deal with it, butttttttt...well...this is something that takes time, finesse and patience. I wont go where my body and mind are not yet able, ready or willing for him...not yet. It takes a firm tug, not an all out push and when I feel pushed its not good.
::sigh:: What to do, what to do.... |
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So I made a decision last night that I think is a very positive one for me. Back in November of last year, I began taking belly dancing classes. Because of my roots and cultural background, I took to it pretty easy. I mean, what Puerto Rican can't move thier hips? 
Anyhow, I was doing great and I just LOVED going, but I really baulked at the idea of performing. My instructor was pretty pushy when it came to that. I started feeling like I wasn't going to class to learn n have fun, I was going for training for her belly dance troupe and I didn't like that. With her changing the class time as well as the pressure, I decided to quit and began taking classes with another person.  <~that's my cute lil dancing buddy..hehe
Bellydancing is something that I do for me...I feel sensual and beautiful even if nobody else think so. That's the beauty of bellydance...its all about you. Its all about how you move your body...its an enticement, a whisper, a dance to mesmerize your lover and leave him wanting. Anyhow...I love it. I do not perform publicly, or even privately. Noone even knows that I do this, for that matter, but last night I attended a friends performance and well, its time.
My current, I and other friends had gone to see the UFC fight...btw, what a fawking disappointment!! First, Ken Shamrock was totally robbed! I mean, I'm not saying that Tito Ortiz would not have pounded him because, although I love Shamrock, I had no illusions of him winning. Having said that, the ref stopped the fight WAYYYYYyyyyyy too soon. If he was gonna get pounded, damn, let him get pounded. The ref called the fight before really knowing whether or not Ken was gonna come back up. Tito slammed him, hit him 4 times and boom...the ref ended the fight. Its was bullshit and everyone knew it!
Then...thhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeen...you have my hottie...men of ALL men to stop my heart in its track...Andre Arlowski...OMG...two words..YUM MY!! LOL He was too scared man..too damn scared, but so was Sylvio. They both know how strong the other is so they wouldn't go balls up and just get in there and fight. FIVE 5 minute rounds and nothing man...nothing. Way disapointed in my honey, but oh well...can't all be perfect. I'd stall marry him in a heart beat. Of course, Sylvio maintained the belt...DAMNNnnnn!
So yeah, we went to watch the fight and then we all went to see my friends performance. I know all the dancers and of course, the instructors so it was pretty awesome. They pulled me up to dance and it was wonderful. I mean really...for whatever reason, I didn't shy out this time. There are certain dances in bellydance that you don't need know a routine...there are cues that the "lead" dancer does and by watching the these cues, you know what the next move is. So I got called up for 2 dances like that and I had so much fun. I kicked off my shoes, tied my shirt up just under my breasts and went with my bodies movements and I had so much fun. Everything else forgotten, I simply had a wonderful time.
Be well!
~a |
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The spice of life...
My minds a wandering...pandering through scenarios and ideas. Meandering around concepts not belonging to myself yet attempting to cultivate and nurture them...to make them alive. Breathe warm and then put pen to paper to make them mine.
A notion occured...again, it wasn't mine, but its like a bee in my bonnet. The words were something to the effect of "you like it because you want something to feel bad about..." Hmmmm....hmmmmmmmmmmm... I'm thinking back of a blog that I wrote not long ago about always wanting what's bad for me. This sticks in my craw because its really the same idea, different context. So, the question...to myself of course, is why? If it is indeed true, and it actually is, that I always want what even I know may be bad for me, is it because it gives me something to feel bad about? Something that I might want to be punished for? To beg for forgiveness about, or to need absolution from?
I hold to myself secrets...small almost seemingly insignificant secrets and I feel bad for having them, for keeping them, for holding onto them; yet I cannot muster the desire to tell because they are not yet big enough or important enough to merit what I want them to get me. Good or bad the outcome seems a delicious torment....a naughty lil seed embedded and entertaining itself it delights of come what may. Shall I traipse in the garden of my agony for pleasure, amusement or torture? Being ever mindful that both sides hold an allure that brings heat to my skin. Trepidation of the things that hold no temptation, I smile tightly yet sweetly.
The mind...such a beautiful place to get lost in. |
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I was so gonna write a detailed report on my afternoons...well, I couldn't call it necessarily delights, but adventures would be appropo.
But alas...my favorite local  angry Dom has once again written a journal entry and his temperature seems to be ever increasing bit by bit. I'm now just waiting for the explosion to happen.  Here's what I envision...a lot more use of the word "f*ck" because it seems this helps him direct his frustrations, a lot more denials of how he doesn't do 'internet/cyber' drama and yet is calling everyone out on the internet and...hmm...what else, oh yes some more hatred spewed about how much he hates fat people. His resentment is palpable which is fine by me. As I said from the beginning, one perusal of his profile was all it took...scared me wayyyy away, but I'm sure, if he knew, he'd be quite happy about it.
All things happen for a reason, but I am thinking he's probably getting a fair number of negative feedback considering his latest rant. He wants us all just to mind our own business yet he's sharing said business for the masses. See, I know that posting journal entries as I do, does leave me open for criticism and that's fine. I really can't expect to be commenting and posting my opinions in such a public arena and expect never to get any form of feedback. It may not always be welcomed or even kind, but it is what it is and I accept that. Sometimes I respond, others not, but doesn't really bother me at all. I'm placing my opinion out there for the masses, so they have the same right to give me theirs back. Doesn't mean you have to take it to heart and yes, Mr. Angry Dom, you ARE taking it to heart if you feel you need to unleash your litany of "f*ck you's" 
People that really don't care, make no mention of such nonsense...it just doesn't matter or affect. At the end of the day, when all is said n done, you are who you are, living your life and everyone else is still just everyone else. They've not changed their mind about you and you've not changed your mind about them. That's the great thing about life, out of sight, out of mind...let it float away Mr. Angry Dom.  Get a massage or pick up a bad habit...you definitely need to mellow out.
Tomorrow I shall write about today's events...for now, I'm sore and tired. Be well folks!
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So...I have a beef and as usual, I write about my beefs.
I get a message today from some so-called "Master" with your typical one liner crap asking what "experience" *I* have to offer. First warning sign and what's ringing in my head, "this jerk hasn't even read my profile." BUTTTttt as always, I try to give the benefit of the doubt and respect for their position, so yeah...I write back, with just a twinge of sass because I just can't help myself and I like to test. Below is my response:
Evening Sir,
I do not offer much at the moment considering I am currently involved with another. As my profile states I am a novice, but what I 'bring' is a willingness and desire to learn and be lead. To openly follow and sincerely try to expand emotionally and sexually.
Thank you for your message and good luck in your search.
Be well.
~a
This is overall my typical response really...I always let those that contact me know I am currently involved, but I had to dig in the fact that in my profile, it does indeed state (quite clearly in fact) that I am a novice. As not to be overtly rude though, I answer his questions to my satisfaction :D (yes...I'm congratulating myself haha). Anyway, he responds rather quickly saying that I have nice eyes (another sign that all he looked at was my pics and read NOTHING) and that my current is a lucky to have me, but that doesn't mean that he and I cannot talk. I can't fault this logic because the truth is, there are two (one master one sub) that I do regularly chat with that I met right here on collarme. Both are very intelligent caring men that I enjoy conversing with and also know that I am currently involved, but that in no way precludes friendship. So yeah, he's right...that's cool...
The very next line in that very same sentence...btw, I must add that this all was one sentence, his reponse that is. Actually, I'm sorry...my bad, 2 sentences. Anyhow, the next line was "have you had the pleasure of being leashed yet?" Hmmmmm....hmmmmm... well, I'm not the wondering type and I really don't care to read into what he might be trying to ask from this question so I ask out right. Again, below is my response:
Evening Sir,
Leashed...hmmm...honestly, that brings to mind being lead around on a leash and that is one thing I can truly say really does not sound all that appealing to me. I do not wish to play anyone's dog/puppy or the sort. :) If by leash you mean collared, no, I have yet to be collared. I acquaint collaring to marriage and therefore have no desire to rush to strap one around my neck. :) This is not to say that the Master I serve must marry me, only that it is that meaningful to me so I chose to tread carefully when it comes to collaring.
Thank you for your compliments. I'd like to think that He and I are both equally lucky having met each other and things progressing moderately well so far. :)
Be well.
~a
From this missive, I see nothing that would lead him to believe he could send the message that he writes next. See below:
"well if you want to taste some juicy white meat let me know"
Huh? Are you f*cking serious dood? What would make you think...what planet have you come from? First thought..."ewwwww! Really...ewwwww!" Second thought, "A$$HOLE!!" But I blame myself...really. I ALWAYS read profiles before I respond and his was no exception and although I really didn't like what he had to say (too full of himself) I really felt like, "okay...he didn't call me girl, he has a pic, albeit with his dumb fist infront of his face, and he didn't ask the "typical" question...just give the quick smart answer and be done." I shouldn't have...I should have just deleted the message which was my first instinct. But no...I gotta go and think it through like an idiot, doubt that niggling feeling in the back of my head and go ahead and respond to this creep. No, his trangression, if you could call it that, was no big deal...I mean, c'mon...this is online, but I'm mildly offended damnit!! Pig!!
Oh and not to mention...what the f*ck does he mean by specifically putting "white" meat?? What are you trying to say pig? Because I'm hispanic you assume that I only "date" hispanics, or is that a personal dig on my being hispanic? Your "meat" is somehow juicier because its white? ::big eyeroll here folks::
First, I only date white men...its not a prejudice thing, its a preference thing. Like I always say, we cannot help what we are attracted to, but I have, in the past, dated and had other varieties of "meats" and I've not really found any one to be juicier then the next. I believe the person makes the man, not the dick....err, "meat." And that guy was less then a man and certainly no Master. In fact, I'm hard pressed to call him a human.
Why do some feel that it is okay to address others with such lack of class or even manners? What makes them think that because we are online, it is okay to behave less then courteous? I really don't get that frame of thought and it happens a lot. I know it. I read journal after journal of how rude, crude and crass someone has been. Hell, I see journal entries from rude, crude, crass people that do not even realize they are thus. The point being, if you wouldn't say something like what that prick said to me in person, then its not okay to say it to me in an instant message, an email or any other electronic manner. Its déclassé PERIOD!
Uhg...I could go on, but what's the point. I'm tired, I need a nap and I need to get my butt in gear for a party tonight. Be well folks and let me learn a lesson from this. Never ignore my instincts or reply to jerks with pics of themselves with a fist that they probably just finished cumming in covering their face.
I'm done...have I been bad? :)
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One could say that I have too much time in my hands for being able to sit here and write journal entries...one might be right. Tis neither here nor there... When I am in turmoil, I feel the need to write. I must assuage that need to unburden my mind. It allows me some freedom of the constant wondering...the one thing I cannot handle. To wonder.
Last night I made my decision...actually, I made it the night before, but last night it became reality. I went to see my former...to seek forgiveness for a trangession I committed and to speak with him about our "future" or actually, lack there of. I am full of sadness for it is as though I have gone back in time, but that very reason is why I had to do what I did. It felt as I would always be stuck back in my past with the same issues dogging us, causing me pain and I must move beyond that. His life will be taking him down a path that I cannot go with him...at one time, I could have, at one time I would have, but no longer. There's a line that I use that I love from "Truth about Cats & Dogs". It seems to sum up what happened between he and I...something I cannot come back from.
Noelle (Uma Thurman): Disappointment doesn't kill.
Abby (Janeane Garofalo): Right...rejection kills. Disappointment only maims.
Disappointment is enough to make us wonder...to make us doubt where once we may have had none. The seed takes root and if not made clear, it festers. It festered for us until it became something that could not be managed, could not be changed or undone and for him, it was for me to accept and deal. Not something I was want to do feeling it was so unfair and being so hurt.
So it's over...and it was no easy feat to kneel before a man I care for so deeply, a Master that guided and protected me, and tell him that I do not chose him...that I chose another. Even if there had not been another, I still could not chose him because things have not changed and will not change, but I have. I wanted nothing more then for things to be different...to look in his eyes and tell him with all the depth of emotion I feel that I would be forever his...to own, enslave and do as he wishes. But it is not to be. |
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Ever been caught between a rock and a hard place and found yourself beginning to like it? I aim to serve, but being bad can be addictive. It's the naughty appeal...like taking that cookie from the cookie jar you've been told not to have...
But you have to have it, you've had one and its just not enough. The taste lingers on your lips...sweet...alluring...leaving you wanting. And the mind begins to conjure guilty pleasures of rough encounters and harsh discipline. The welts begin to rise on your bum, your wrists are sore, rope is chafing sensitive skin as drops of wax cool on your breasts and thighs, but they are but a testament of how much more you want...the beauty of the mark...HIS mark. And at his feet in moments of pure abondan, where you've lost all concepts of time and space, you are released. Truly free of the ties that bind to be the perfect creation of his pain and his pleasure. |
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So I've spoken to my current, and these are his rules...and temporary at that.
1) I may have two meetings with my former to discuss whatever he feels he needs to discuss/say to me. Public place, set time...he doesn't care how long it goes, as long as he knows where and to call him when I get home.
2) No brooding over it when we are together. We will discuss it when I feel I'm ready, he wont push on that, but when we are alone or in public, no brooding over the situation. I have ample time of my own to think over how I feel and what I want.
I think its fair...I'm VERY lucky he's giving me this much. And you want to know the biggest quirk of it is for me. I know he plans to punish me for entertaining the thought of another, IF I chose him that is. Come to think of it...the both of them probably have happy thoughts of punishment for my indecisiveness. I can see their wheels spinning and its absolutely titillating to me. Is that awful? Actually, I could careless if it is. I'm not in this situation by choice, but I love the thought of being made to suffer for it. Its truly so unlike me to be so unsure of what I should do or want...especially when it comes to something so important and truth to tell, I should be punished.
I do, however, need the time and the right to make my choice as I see fit. Spank me later Daddy. 
Dear God I'm such a f*cking sub...how absolutely delicious!!
PS I'd like to give thanks to KT & RT for their advice on the matter. Their opinions are greatly appreciated and well received!
Be well folks...time to get ready for a naughty dinner. ~Kisses~
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::sigh:: I'm not sure if I'm sighing because I'm on the proverbial "Cloud 9" or because I'm in a quandry. Truth to tell, its a bit of both. My Master has returned...after 6 mos of being apart and 3 mos of no communication and a difficult yet mutual decision to "part ways," He has returned and I'm...I'm elated and angry. I've missed Him so...we have a bond, a union that mystifies me still, but our lives became so complicated and it was destructive to "us." More so to me and my emotional well being, but...
::sighing again:: He was so strong...so utterly demanding and knew when to not give me quarter. He knows me so well, better then I know my own skin and it does crave him. Why does it seem to always work out thus...just when you begin to piece it all together and move on, they come back in. I've been meeting and spending time with a Dom in my area that is well...wonderful. Kind, strong, intelligent and incredibly intense, which I love and yet...its not fully there for me. And I wonder how much of it is truly that missing tie that binds and how much is my retincence of reliving a past not so long and far in the past. Or maybe I'm holding him to a standard that will never be, to a person that is so different from him and therefore am setting him up to fail based on his uniqueness, which is a good quality. He is different...what I had did not work, so maybe he would, but I feel a depth of emotion for my Master, still my Master, Always my Master.
He does not know what direction to take, is also at odds with what to do and whether or not contacting me was a good idea, but maybe its something we should work through together...muddle through the details to have what so many only dream. Is it worth the potentially looming pain of dissapointment and heartbreak? Should I speak to my current and discuss these new turn of events with Him? Will he understand or be angry...will he refuse me my need for time to make a choice and take himself out of the equation?
There is much history between my Master and I, a connection we never were able to deny...am I playing with fire. I want them both in equal and very seperate ways, but I cannot and will not be that person. I cannot give everything of myself to two, nor would either accept that. Oh what to do, what to do... |
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Oh boy...my favorite local ANGRY Dom has written in his journal. Something apparently he rarely does. I was right in my first opinion/estimation of this guy. The negative energy around him just abounds!
I'm beginning to honestly enjoy the entertainment factor in the things that people write on their journals. Truly gives you an insight into them. I'm almost disappointed when I get a message and they have no journal entries. Maybe I should pick up a good book.
So yesterday was such a...gosh, I don't even know how to describe it. So much happened all in a 24 hr. period basically. My Barbarian and I are...in talks, which is better then nothing. His intensity eclipses the sun and it does scare me a bit, but just when you want to bolt, its time to bear down and see what happens. That's worked well for me in the past, so we'll try it again.
Be well folks! |
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I wonder....why must I entertain offers that do not suit my tastes just because I am a sub? Its like I'm expected to say "yes" to every offer just because he's a Dom wanting me. No thanks....why is that a bad thing to say?
I have discerning tastes, why must I apologize for that. Doms/Masters have the right to list their expectations as far as the physicality of the prospective sub/slave, why can't we have the same right to expectations? I try to think outside the box...try not to pigeon hole anyone and sincerely try and take a deeper closer look at people, but if I'm not attracted, I'm not attracted. I want what I want...I want it all 
I'm kidding of course, but I want someone that can keep up with me in spirit, intellectual capacity as well as physically. If you are a internet king and live a sedentary lifestyle, trust me, I'm not for you. That's just not me, nor do I want someone that wants only to live their lives vicariously through chatting online. Intelligent discourse and online flirting is all well and good, a means to an ends, but trust me, I get nothing from someone trying to control me through chat. I mean really...how much can you put into someone telling you to punish yourself for something you did that they'd never know if you didn't tell them and they'll never know whether you've done what they've asked. I realize that this is all about trust, but I'd rather feel your hand spanking my ass for what I might have done wrong then anything else. |
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Disappointment and disgust...
They feel about the same in the pit of my stomach. There are few that might think this entry is about them and they would be both right and wrong to think so. In a sense, it is...its what lead up, but not the whole. I need my thoughts in better order before I begin my discourse, but discourse I will do in time
Its enough to say that I do not understand the need of some Dom/Master to collect subs like candy or others the need to be less the honest about the circumstances of their lives. My insticts have never failed me and that's about the only good thing about it all.
Good night and be well folks. |
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It’s hard to believe I’ve now been on collarme over 4 yrs now…sure, come n go…not consecutive, but 4 yrs nonetheless. I decided to read through my journal entries today since…. I’m getting bored stiff from not being at work. Wanted to see how much and have and haven’t changed. I decided to do a montage of some of my FAVORITE ~*a*~ quotes J Here we go:
* I have been that lump of coal knowing what lies inside...he is that which can give way to the diamond. He labors at me, pushes and eases away at that exterior for the beauty that lies within, ALL for him. Its how I see it. I know my potential...but takes a true Master to cultivate it, to bring it out and shape it in a way that best suits and pleases him
* Please don't take my rejection personal...there are many things that factor in…. distance, looks (yes...they are important) age (yes...it too has importance), interests, profile descriptions and above all, my instinct and feelings, even if one may feel they are unfounded. I cannot apologize for being discerning and neither should you.
* I am not beautiful, I am not ugly, I’m not fat, I’m not thin, but You'll only imagine what You want so do me a favor make me perfect
* I crave pure real strength and that does not come in a careless package
* In real life we look worse then what we think we look but better then what the mirror reflects
* There is something about this lifestyle that lends so much to a connection that, in my opinion, can only come when you meet a person. Spend time in their power, or lack there of.
* It’s of the mind first...then body follows eventually, but the truth of this life is about surrender and control of the will, mind, body and spirit of another. I give it responsibly and knowingly; you own it in the same light.
* I am a strong, intelligent and independent woman in the life I lead...I make all my own decisions and live quite a decent life (mistakes and all :o), but I am all those things because I need to be, not because I want to be. *this one could be taken wrong…ask, don’t assume you understand*
* We cannot all be right for each other...although I may wish that I was the 'perfect one' for a few ads I've seen on here, I know that is silly and unrealistic.
* When responding to me, be mindful that I am not chattel, unless I chose to be your chattel at some point down the road (which is doubtful...’tis not what I seek). I in turn will do the same, ever mindful that you are a Dom, not my Dom, but a Dom nonetheless, and I will be courteous and respectful.
* Its kind of like ice cream, some people like vanilla, others chocolate, and even some still rocky road...in the D/s ice cream parlor, my likes are tall, 40 or younger, fit and Caucasian…its just the way of it for me. Why is it okay for a Dom/Master to be looking for someone/thing in particular, but not a sub?
* It’s about someone having the physical attributes that you like, along with the spirituality, essence and personality that suits you.
* I like to see who is writing me, who is interested in me, who is asking me "I want a slave and she needs to travel to China tomorrow"
* To me, in the end, that is the beauty of this lifestyle. The openness to each other, to share knowledge, experiences, time and the devotion you find between Master and sub. It is a beautiful thing to behold...even sometimes in its fleetingness to remain a constant.
* Its not all beauty and perfection...this I know, but that’s the brass ring. Everyday you try to get closer to it, even if you take a step back from time to time.
* I believe in mutual respect and understanding of people on all levels. I am not beneath a Master because I am a sub, nor is a slave beneath me because I am a sub. We are different...very and deliciously different.
I have others but for now…my headache is making a return and my stomach is twisting again so I’m cutting this short. Be well...and may noone feel as I have felt the last 2 days. Bleah! |
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Sick, sick, sick...Oh my Goodness, I got so very sick. So Monday was a holiday and as many plans as I "had" very few were actually accomplished. I managed to make it out of the house for a short time and realized, I don't do well indoors all day...its just...bleah...depressing.
Well, I had eaten chicken Monday and either it was bad or it wasn't prepared right because I'm not sure I've ever been as sick as I got that night. I was doing a lil reading and some overall prep for my "Monday morning meeting" that was now on Tuesday due to the holiday and I was feeling so nauseous, but I thought it was due to a headache that I had felt coming on. So I fought it as long as I could (no pills...I HATE pills) and finally decided to shut off the laptop and just sleep it off.
Somewhere around 5am I was up and well...I wont go into details but it got so bad I had to call my Mom at around 630am because I could barely even walk. Went to the doctor and they said I had mild food poisoning. I say "mild" my butt, but food poisoning nonetheless. I was at my Mom's place by noon and spent the rest of the day sipping water, sucking on ice and just feeling overall pain EVERYWHERE! I'm only half human now...thank GOD!
So...how was everyone else day? hehe :) |
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I keep reading about courtesy and how if someone writes you, you should have the decency to reply even if its with a "no thank you" but truly...must I reply when someone puts no thought or care into what they write. They are trolling around just hitting "write mail" to anyone that looks halfway decent to see what hits they get back and I REFUSE to be one of those hits. If they can't take the time for something more then "Hi" then why should I even hit the reply button.
I'm disgusted...grrrrr...as if. And damnit...while I'm on this, learn to SPELL! I have a typo here n there in my journals..I'm sure of it, maybe (though doubtful) in my lil profile thing, but when I find them, I fix them and I make sure to NEVER have typos in the mails I send out, I mean...how dumb does that make me look?
Oh I'm just totally frustrated today...work started it, and some idiot emails I got on here just iced the damn cake! |
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Okay, so I have some time again because its Sunday and I'm in 'relaxation' mode although I do need to clean and do laundry, which will come 
So yesterday, I began this journal entry on a profile I read of a man within my vicinity and how hostile he seemed to be. And I was on a role until CollarMe erased my message...TWICE! But I will try and pick up where I left off with just the right amount of indignation AND apathy I felt yesterday
So, I left off on his notations about looks and how very mean he was about the whole thing. Since all my thoughts from yesterday got erased, I decided to look around this site to see if I could find some examples to support my claims AND his claims as different as they are. His claims being that fat ppl are just lazy and ugly and need to diet. My claim being that, his opinions are his own, but they need not be so callous and mean. Meaning, that if you don't what a "fat"  person contacting you, there's no need to ridicule...just simply state, "if you are obese...please don't contact me." And so, I went looking for things that support us both...I found some Doms that matter of factly state that they are only looking for "fit single submissives/slaves" to contact them AND I found a few obviously obese women that don't seem to see that in the mirror.
Its funny...I can truly see two sides to this. See, I am obese...or I was. Now I'm overweight (haha!) and working my way down and never have thought that "big girls are sexy or beautiful." Not that I criticize those women that think they are...we ARE what we feel, I'm just a little more realistic about it. I've never wanted to be loved or wanted for my obesity...I've alway wanted to be seen past that so I'm making that happen, but anyway...not the point here. You've got these women that either A) force thier size on you as though everyone should just LOVE the curves or those that are B) in denial and are actually offended that you see them as anything less then thin. Both of these types, well...they are ballsy. They will send messages to men that so obviously do not find their type attractive and they try to force that issue to which I say why and truly do not understand, but anyway...they force it and then you get the hostility that I saw from that guy. He's probably been approached on several occasions by less the stellar bodied women wanting him and he's probably maybe (giving him the benefit of the doubt here) tried to be nice and they don't get it, or even fool by a few with good angles on thier pictures and so he really didn't know what he was getting himself into. Either scenario I can see causing issues considering. One being blantantly aggressive and just not getting it and nother being deceitful...its quite upsetting, but shall we be honest. These are the chances you are taking in this medium. What I do not understand is why fight it so hard and be angry for it...why not just NOT respond or even if you do, say "you are not my type and do not contact me again" and if they do, delete and even block the person. Why allow it to manifest itself in a more n more aggressive manner in a place (ie here) that you really can't do anything about. Here are your choices buddy...you can spew anger here for those that chose to read (and most wont...least not the ones that its for) or you can leave...delete the account, go elsewhere.
So many things in this life are what you make of it. This is not to say that I do not fall pray to the anger and the annoyance some people are...i mean, c'mon...read my journals...I succomb all the time, but never as he does. I succomb in a way that I try to make sense and understand people...write about the annoyance and get rid of it within myself...not try to make a statement to change others because it will never happen. EVER!!
So...a friend has come over and I'm all but done with this entry although I haven't tied it up the way I'd like except to say that I understand the feelings behind EVERYTHING that this guy has said, I just don't agree with the way its been said.  |
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Some people are so silly...no, just straight up dumb. I sign on to check messages and I get a chat request invite...now, this is a new feature since I've been gone, so I accept. Why the heck not...I love to play with new toys. So this total idiot asks me if I have a cam for "perverted pleasure" to which I say that I do indeed have a cam, but not for "perverted pleasure." He asks why not, and of all things, its just the most stupid question to me, but I answer. I say "because I don't know you" and then he tells me to send him my kinkiest pics and request to chat with him again. What a fool. As if...
I mean really...does that crap actually work for you buddy? Does it actually work for anyone? You demand and you think that's what's gonna make it happen for you? That does NOT a Dominant make...and what an idiot you are to think it does. Geez.
So, then I log off the chat because he's an obvious idiot and leaves and the first thing I see is some profile picture of some guys semi-muscular back looking for a woman for kinky fun. What the hell? I mean really buddy...if you're looking for fast acting pleasure, get in a chatroom for you city and find a girl lonely and dumb enough to go for such a stupid line. Do these people NOT know what this site is about? Last I looked its was about BDSM...
Really...sheesh. Silly rabbits all of them |
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Damnit don't you hate when you have something well thought out and beautifully written and then poof...its gone! I do damnit. And I was really heading somewhere with the whole entry! Now I gotta start over but its not gonna be as good as the other one cuz damnit...it was just flowing from me. ::sigh:: Here goes.
So I'm up and considering I don't go to the gym til about 9am on Saturdays, I figure I'd sign on here, maybe have a look around, tweak my profile a lil bit, I mean...it has been almost 18 mos. Wait...yes I work out.  You think cuz I'm a big girl I don't? Yeah well, back in August I decided it was high time to do something about how I felt and looked, and so here I am (at 8freakinAM on a Saturday morning) getting ready to work out, 70 lbs. lighter then when I started this and feeling pretty great. But I digress...kind of.
So yeah, I'm up and on and wonder of wonders, someone from my same city is signed on AT the same time as I am. Now, for you big city people this might not really mean anything...I mean, if you're from or living in LA, is it really a surprise to see someone else from LA online? But my city...it ain't big. It ain't small, but it ain't big and this guy is not only here in this city, but even in my same zip code. Chances are, he probably lives no more then maybe 5 to 10 miles from me. So yeah, I'm a lil surprised...in a good way. To sign on and you are presented with, from reading the blurb, a seemingly intelligent young man that is, without a doubt, handsome.
Now most on this site, would even need the blurb that I read...all they'd have needed to see was 1) he has a picture and 2) a pulse and 3) in the same state....woopie. Y'all go to town with that, but me...believe it or not, I'm quite discerning. I could careless that I'm a big girl, or was cuz now I'm medium (haha!) that doesn't mean I'm gonna just click and start sending silly messeges about us living in such close proximity. That does not a smart women make...meaning, do a lil research...which I always do.
So here I go, clicking on his profile to read, see if he has any other pics because lets be honest...most you men put ONE up...the best one you got, or maybe not even the best one, but just one. There's no telling whether its old, recent, pre-shave, post-high school...just no telling and although 2 or 3 pics may not say a lot more, it at least gives you more angles :) So I click and he has journal entries...Yay Same City guy...you've got descriptions and thoughts and then...hold the phone, he's got anger
I'm kidding...kind of. Well, here's this guy...not just seemingly intelligent, obviously intelligent from what I'm reading and his thoughts are in order, but there so....hmmm...mean? No, not the right word...ah...yes...aggressive. And not aggressive as in a "panties down ass up" kind of way (not that he's probably not like that..I'm sure he is), but more hostile kind of way. Not that I don't agree with the guy and what he had to say, but more, I guess the way he presented it. I believe there is a way of saying what you want and expect without being...well...nasty, and he was a bit nasty.
Now, I get where he's coming from and I can't say that I don't blame him for feeling what he does or even saying any of what he said. He made a lot of sense. I feel as he does...chose this lifestyle for those deep bonds that are made with another...more so then with vanilla relationships...to submit, to give and allow and trust on that level, well...its just beautiful...quite simply beautiful, and now things have changed. Well, not now...they've been changing. Its like the more stigma they try to take AWAY from BDSM, the more you get idiots trying to do a lil slap n tickle and call themselves Doms/Masters, but where is the line. Man I can see this is going to get complicated before I can bring it back in. I believe in BDSM...I do, its a life I want to live full time and I not only do NOT want to have to explain myself, but if I chose to let someone close enough to know about the way I live, I don't want them thinking "oh...she's a sexual deviant" because there's nothing deviant about the choices two ppl make together that's not in any way, shape or form illegal. So, in some small way, the "mainstreaming," if you will, of BDSM has allowed for a little more openess...making some things less taboo, being able to buy certain toys without going underground, or speaking with like-minded ppl without having to go to some fetish club, but in that same token, so many many many frauds have come around. People that truly know nothing of the meaning of this life. Forget the rules, and the limits, no limits...blah blah blah. But really knowing what calls you to this...the deepest darkest part of it that lies in the deepest darkest part of you.
Limits, likes, dislikes, rules...all those can be set forth, changed, altered, discuss...they are living and breathing and they come, but knowing yourself...and knowing why you are here, in this lifestyle....well that, that is what I'm talking about. You must question...YOU MUST. So you had sex the other night and the guy spanked you and you said harder and you liked it. That's naught of what a submissive makes. Why didn't you sit alone after he was gone or in the shower and think about why you liked it...was it just the stimulation, was it just the added change in the sex? It could be that simple you know. It could simply be that it was arousing at that point n time...and you liked it. That doesn't necessarily mean that "OMG...I want to be dominated!" Do you have any idea what a HUGE leap that is. From liking a lil pain and being called names to, wanting to be owned by another, trusting them in any AND every decision when it comes to you and your life, and the life you may build together. To close your eyes and say "I trust you" and let him/her do their will to your body knowing that they will only go as far as they know they can push you and will respect your fears...how ever insignificant they may seem. Oh trust me there is an allure to this...I know it. I had to seperate it...was I looking to just be taken care of, or to truly be dominated. It took many years to really well and truly know and still, there are times that I must....adjust the compass, but I know that this is right and it calls to me and so those that take no thought in deciding what they think they are. Well, its really quite...annoying...no, its more then that. It can downright piss you off. When someone comes in saying I'm a Dom just because at work, he's the boss...it means nothing. And so you trivialize who and what we are..you take away from the true meaning of this life, and you sometimes take some real people with you. Those that have thought this out, but are new and are not sure and are looking for direction and you misrepresent yourself and kill a beautiful part of them because you are careless and silly, ignorant and apathetic.
So yeah...I get this guy, I know why he's angry and he goes on from there. Angry at those besides calling themselves something they're not, but hide what they are behind this screen. IE, what they look like. And God damnit it did it again...I wrote all this and this freakin site erased like 30 minutes worth of work and now I gotta go. Don't have time or the inclination at this moment to try and remember all I said. Damn!
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Oh my goodness...its been over...eek..actually almost a year n a half since I've been here...writing, looking, reading. I gotta say...i almost didn't find the site again. This is the first sight I ever actually started a journal and somewhat kept up with it. And this is the first site that actually doesn't delete you after so much time. How wonderful...to see how my opinions have changed and yet not changed. For whatever reason, I always liked this site...its theraputic to me. Is that weird...and did I spell that right? :)
I don't really have much to say except...yay I'm back :) I'm happy...happy to have google help me find this again and just happy I didn't delete my account, just "deactivated." I'm off to browse and take a look around. Be well...I will be writing again soon. |
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I'm quite disappointed at the moment...I finally got the chance this week to make an entry into my journal and it never appeared here. I know it has to be reviewed first, but if for some innane reason it was not approved, shouldn't I have been notified of that as well? Strange...I didn't think I had anything offensive on there. Heck, I would think that for some, the mere existence of this site is offensive to their delicate sensibilities, yet, here we are being censored. Ce la vie...its the 'rules' and well, I am a sub and rules are my life...but such is my nature to test those rules  In a totally natural and good way..hehe
Anyhow...I will try again with some of what I wrote because I feel its important. Shall we see how far we can get...
Ah yes...messages. I used to try to respond to ever single one I got. I felt that if someone took the time to write me, then I should in turn take the time to respond. I've since then rethought that plan because well, some ppl don't REALLY take the time to write you. About 50% of the time its a one liner...."Hi...where are you?" Like that took so much thought...as if that should garner anything more then a sarcastic reply (but I promise...I refrain). I feel my profile is pretty thorough. No, I don't list my exact city, but thats on PURPOSE. If I had wanted everyone to know that, I'd have listed it. So no, Sun City is not a real city name...it is the nickname of my city, but not its 'given' name. To me, this place is a tool...a vessel. It cannot be the end all be all to the conversations one can hope to have with someone they find interesting. I think its enough to know whether or not I live in your same state, at least to begin with.
But I digress...this rant is about the one liners. C'mon folks...I write in this journal, I filled out my profile...do you think I appreciate a one liner? No...and do you think if I did NOT respond the first time (and I will NOT respond to one liners), how lucky do you think you'll get from sending me a second one-liner? Let me tell you now, slim to a snowballs chance in...well, you know where :)
I am flattered that there are those that find me intriguing, attractive, nice, pretty...etc...really I am, but if that is true, then you should take more then the 2 seconds it takes to type 'hi...how are you' and put a lil thought and effort into a message. I can't promise you wont be disappointed because I might not respond in the way you desire, but I do PROMISE not to respond with a one liner. I try to always give thought to what I ask and what I say period.
K...I'm done. I'm tired. I moved furniture today and then went and bought me my new car. Woohoo me ;) Very excited here. |
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My oh my it has been some time...::looking around:: Nothing much has changed. I sit here and wonder why I'm back...and I'd really like to delve further into that, but what a headache I have. Its enough to say that it just came to me. I was checking email, which I haven't done in over a week and 'collarme' just literally popped into my brain. My profile has been deactivated for months. I made a conscious decision to leave and live my life with my Master without the resposibility I felt to have to come online and check and respond to messages. And in truth, why be on a site when you really aren't single anymore...or when you're trying to establish a relationship. That takes time, energy, patience and focus.
Blah blah blah...I still have a headache, but there's so much I've learned and want to say. No matter...I have time to return. The journal here always did truly help to get my mind straight...I think that's the biggest reason I've wondered back. I leave with only this in mind...isn't this just the cutest emoticon ever Delicious indeed.  Hmmm...I don't think anyone can see it by me...mwahhh |
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As a sub, we must venture on a quest of self-discovery...must know ourselves better then most. Yes, your Master will then know you as only He can, but how can you hope to open up to Him/Her if you don't know what you have to give and therefore what you can give. I don't know...I believe that there is such power in knowing myself...and in that, it means so much more that all that...all that I am, hope and can be is given to another. Handed to Him on a platter of gold to do and use as he will. I have been that lump of coal knowing what lies inside...he is that which can give way to the diamond inside. He labors at me, pushes and eases away at that exterior for the beauty that lies within ALL for him. Its how I see it. I know my potential...but takes a true Master to cultivate it, to bring it out and shape it in a way that best suits and pleases him.
At least, that is my opinion of it. I will not play any games with a Master, whether he is mine or not, nor will I allow to be played with. I believe in mutual respect and understanding of people on all levels. I am not beneath a Master because I am a sub, nor is a slave beneath me because I am a sub. We are different...very and deliciously different.
Don't you just LOVE that word...delicious! :) |
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Very recently, I've been exchanging messages with a very kind and open Dom. There is no pressure or personal questions. He's been very much a sounding board and to Him I just want to thank. He has a sub, and even if I wished to be his (not that I'm adverse to that notion  ) He already has one that he is quite devoted to and I'm much to far to pursue it in any real sense. To me, in the end, that is the beauty of this lifestyle. The openess to each other, to share knowledge, experiences, time and the devotion you find between Master and sub. It is a beautiful thing to behold...even sometimes in its fleetingness to remain a constant. If you are lucky enough to behold two people in that kind of harmony...its touching.
Some might not understand that...that one would find beauty in the subjection of another, but when you know its done out of respect for one another, that two people are not only honest with each other but with themselves and roles they've chosen in thier lives, its amazing. It doesn't matter that he might want to role play a rape scene or clamp her nipples sadistically because it is no more then what she desires...what she trusts and willingly submits to her Master.
Its not all beauty and perfection...this I know, but thats the brass ring. Everyday you try to get closer to it, even if you take a step back from time to time. |
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Maybe a site like this isn't all that good for a person...LOL I've found myself being almost nit picky. I can't say that's 'wrong' because if you don't filter and sort through, then how are you really finding someone 'compatible', but at the same time, if you get too sticky about what you want, you might just filter and sort them ALL out :)
I do know this, I do not seek...its already come to me, its a matter of seeing how far it all goes.
I know that I like tall Men/Doms/Masters...period...thats just life. Its kinda like ice cream...some people like vanilla, others chocolate, and even some still rocky road...in the D/s ice cream palor, my likes are tall.
I know that I've found very little in common with older Doms. 40 and over just don't 'do it' for me...they are very nice, please don't mistake me, but they tend to act as though I'm dumb and they are mostly looking for slaves, even though they may say sub. There's a difference to me...and maybe, down the road with the right Dom/Master, thats what I'll end up being, but for the time being...its not want I want, nor do I wish for veiled entrities to be one. Older men very rarely strike me...its almost daunting really...especially when they are old enough to be my father and my father is only 49. Unfortunately, it just doesn't sit right with me, wrong as it may be...one cannot help how they feel.
I know that physical apprearance is VERY important to me...as is to all, I don't care what they say. Attraction is relative...one person might find me un-attractive, where another finds me incredibly so because attraction, in my humble opinion is about a total package. Its about someone having the physical attributes that you like, along with the spirituality, essense and personality that suits you. But being 'good-looking' is a more universal thing...its like Brad Pitt...you know he's good looking, there's no denying that. Yes, Brad Pitt is on the VERY high end of good-looking...almost Adonis status and thats not what I seek, but looks are important. I don't know how to say that without sounding horribly shallow...it just is. Can I say exactly what I like...beyond tall, not really, but I can say that I desire pure real strength, and in my opinion, that does not come in a careless package.
I'm not perfect...I know that, and I also know that I'm not for some...maybe my nose is too big, or they might think I'm fat, or a snob...this is all possible, and thats fine with me, because I might think the same of another, although I'd never be so rude and mean as to say something like that, but looks matter. Thats why I have a pic...more then one, so you know the basics of what you might be getting. The reverse is also true...I like to see who is writing me, who is interested in me, who is asking me "I want a slave and she needs to travel to China tomorrow" LOL
Some might say that I'm not a true submissive because I feel this way...that a Master is your Master and its all about the strength and power he has inside and how well he can train you, guide you, protect and teach you...to them I say, they have a right to their opinion. I'm not the one to say that they are wrong, but I am the one to say that I know when its my door someone is knocking it, its my choice to open it or not, and if I look through that peep hole and don't like what I see, I'm gonna say 'thanks but no thanks' and i don't think thats wrong. I have no problem with someone doing that to me if I knocked on their door...key being IF I KNOCK ON THEIR DOOR. I don't go around hitting up profiles just to send messages saying 'damn...give up, your ugly, short and its not gonna happen for you' I pass the profiles by and think 'there is someone out there for that person and the things they have to offer, may what they seek find a way to them.' I wish that for everyone...including my picky self :o) |
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Is anyone else having issues with CollarMe or am I the only unlucky soul? I've finally responded to someone at length, which I so rarely do, and suddenly, the system its just not wanting to let me send this mail. Its starting to tick me off, so I thought I'd throw the question out there to the silence...see what bounces back :) All be well.
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I've received some heartening responses in the last few days. Two in particular that seemed to have taken the time to really give more insight into themselves. I appreciate that and it makes me want to return the favor in kind. I hope that I've done so and not disappointed.
And speaking of disappointments, I had a little issue come up that I thought I would chit chat about to clear my mind. Someone responded to me a few days back...saying something about wishing he knew me when or blah blah...can't remember the details. Nice enough response, but I didn't know how to take it really. Wasn't sure if he was showing interest or just making a statement. Either way, I read his profile and responded. Again as I always try to be, I was nice. Told him thank you for the response, but based on his profile and my instict, that beyond casual correspondence, I didn't think we would be very well suited since our interests are so very different.
He responded with a curt and angry, "I wasn't trying to get with you...just making a statement. You're full of yourself" What I found funny about this is that when I read his profile it SPECIFICALLY stated that if he writes/responds to someone, he would like the courtesy of a reply back, even if its just to say 'thanks but no thanks." Now I realize that I might have taken his note wrong and maybe it was just a statement afterall, although it didn't seem so to me, but to get bent out of shape seemed silly. I responded again with a simple apology for my misunderstanding and wished him luck (and I wanted to ad "because you're gonna need all the luck you can get buddy" but I refrained), nonetheless, but the whole thing got me thinking.
We cannot all be right for each other...although I may wish that I was the 'perfect one' for a few ads I've seen on here, I know that is silly and unrealistic. Sure, to be rejected is not the best feeling in the world, but I think if its done with respect and always mindful of anothers feelings, it doesn't have to be so bad. I make it a point to be VERY kind when I respond to mail from people, just because its not a favorable response as in 'yes...I think that we should talk further' shouldn't mean you get angry. Disappointed, yes...I can see that, I've had my share, but you brush it off and move on. In my opinion, it is unnecessary to be unkind and/or mean, whether you are responding to someones mail or sending out a note of interest to someone. I believe in respecting each other as human beings.
When responding to me, be mindful that I am not chattle, unless I chose to be your chattle at some point down the road (which is doubtful...tis not what I seek). I inturn will do the same, ever mindful that you are a Dom, not my Dom, but a Dom nonetheless, and I will be courteous and respectful. I am A submissive...not YOUR submissive and I think thats an important line to keep in mind. I don't ask for special treatment...I ask to be treated how you would approach a person in the mall, lets say, if you were buying a shirt. You wouldn't say 'Girl...ring me up" You'd probably say "Miss, I'm ready to check out" Its that difference...
I realize this is just 'online' and we don't know or see each other, but respect begins on the first contact, when you demand it you recieve it. What I am is not a position of contempt or disregard.
Man...did that run from one subject to another. Let me wrestle it back in and just say that there have been VERY few that I have responded to with interest. Please don't take my rejection personal...there are many things that factor in...distance, looks (yes...they are important) age (yes...it too has importance), interests, profile descriptions and above all, my instinct and feelings, even if one may feel they are unfounded. I cannot apologize for being discerning and neither should you. |
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Read the same Dominants ad again...this time, He had additional journal entries, the most recent quantifying earlier statements regarding relocation. So down that path I go...relocation, relocation, relocation. How many responses have I received with nothing but "will you relocate?" How do I answer that...really?
Relocation has to be a major factor, due to the nature of the lifestyle. Words within a box can only do so much. You cannot know a Dom and/or sub (as I've said before) without spending real time with them and then, you will never know just how your relationship with that particular Dom and/or sub, unless you live it, so am I willing to relocate. I can resolutely say "yes...i am" but that doesn't mean I'm hopping the first flight out to meet anyone, or planning my life change in the next month. What kind of sub would I be...not a very smart one in my opinion, and all I've ever heard from Dom after Dom is they do not want a doormat, a sub with no mind.
I am a strong, intelligent and indepedent woman in the life I lead...I make all my own decisions and live quite a decent life (mistakes and all :o), but I am all those things because I need to be, not because I want to be. I cannot wait until the 'right Dom' comes along and is able to lead me...it is not realistic. I have to live...I have a dog to feed :o)
This is not to say that were he the right one that I would not completely and faithfully give it the chance it deserves by not choosing to relocate...what kind of a sub would I be...not one that truly wants to please Him and that is not so.
Changing your life around another takes time, planning and trust in another...trust being the most important, trust being what MUST be established first and foremost, trust being what needs patience.
Okay...I'm done. Besides, I'm not looking to relocate just yet...I'm exploring something I've found right here where I live and there can be no better then that. A warmth has settled that says 'its right and its good' and that warmth has permeated. |
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Back again to read another message and got caught up in someones journal. He wrote how He was disppointed in those that say they choose this lifestyle and how they all seem to want just a kinky boyfriend and for the most part, i must admit He is right...it does seem that way, but so is true in the reverse. There are so few really truly Dominants out there. It took forever for me to find one that wasn't trying to please me. i'm looking (was looking) for a Dominant that knew i would be please through His pleasure, that would get to know me and therefore know my needs and how to fill them through strict loving focused discipline...not giving in to all my whims for the chance to spank me or inflict a lil pain. Its of the mind first...then body follows eventually, but the truth of this life is about surrender and control of the will, mind, body and spirit of another. i give it responsibly and knowingly, You own it in the same light. It is instinctual...period. There is no way around either You ARE or are NOT a Dominant and/or submissive. There is only do...or do not. |
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Got another response today out of no where. Everytime i get a notification of a message i try to make the rounds here. Look around..see who and what is new and take a look at myself as far as what is new in my life.
We'll start with the site...the interface has changed a bit...gives it a lil more charm, but still the same. They decided to wear make-up hehehe
As far as the ppl...pretty much the same. Time has made me see as others that never have put an ad here that you may find a 'chat buddy' through ads, the likeliness of finding a true Dom or sub is slim to none. Not that those on here are not what they say they are, its just impossible to really 'know' them. 9 times out of 10 they live quite far and so you are supposed to be satisfied with just email and chat and that only goes so far. Eventually, they might ask for a life change from you and how can you turn your life upside down without a net to catch you just in case. At least when they are in the same city you are, you may turn your life backwards for them, but not upside down...its not necessary :)
Unfortunately, with D/s, its so important to be in the presence of the Dom and vice versa. There is something about this lifestyle that lends so much to a connection that, in my opinion, can only come when you meet a person. Spend time in their power.
So I guess thats how my outlook of CollarMe has changed...not bad, just different. Some ppl have wonderful insight into themselves and you have the opportunity to learn from their lives, but the only true way to know is to make the mistakes yourself...have your own experiences to share.
i'm in a different place. i have been blessed with the opportunity to serve, but in a quandry because i have a choice to make. There are 2 and where both are strong, knowing and utterly Dominant...one appeals to my dark nature and draws me down deep; the other appeals to my gregarious adventurous side that pulls me out. Would that i could fuse these two almost perfect Doms. Would that i could serve them both, but there is no such thing as giving body and soul to two different ppl and i know one would have my body and the other my soul. i think i've just realized what my decision is...there is no body without soul. What a feeling of total utter release.
Blessed day A/all. |
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i've now been on collarme for roughly 6 mos...give or take a month and i've received some interesting responses; all quite sporadic though. A couple days ago, i had a response after about 3 or 4 months of inactivity on my part (due to reasons i'll get into later)
Anyway...i read the note, but did not respond right away. Instead i decided to update my profile picture since i finally had a couple current ones. i had a few to choose from, but settled with a headshot....mainly because it was my favorite but also for a little experiment a Dom told me to try. True to His speculation...BAM...i had more responses in one day then i've had in 4 months. i try to look at the realism instead of the negativity of what might be ascertained from this. Although Sir might say its all about an illusion, what others think they see behind...er...below the headshot, i'd like to think it is one part what they are creating in thier minds and one part that my sudden activity (updating the pic) put me at the top of the list on the homepage. So one of the first things seen is a F sub 'looking' for a Dom WITH a picture in the profile...ding ding ding.
Where i am apt to differ in opinion with Sir is that if it were all about the looks of it, those that responded would not have taken the time to read my journal entries, and EVERY single response did and personally, i think thats just wonderful. Some 'got it' and others didn't, but everyone got something of me from that...something they took back even if it was just to respond before moving on.
mymotto to those that are into looks:
i am not beautiful, i am not ugly...i am just me, but You'll only imagine what You want so do me a favor make me perfect :o)
i'm not criticizing those that put importance on looks...i'm the first to say that i crave pure real strength and that does not come in a careless package, but lets be realistic...how many Selma Hayeks or Russell Wongs are really out there. In real life we look worse then what we think we look but better then what the mirror reflects...that make sense?
No...skay...its late and its time to go. |
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i've been approached by a Gorean today...that is not bad to me, more to the point, i have no real opinion of it at all and know next to nothing about the Gorean way. i've only heard unfavorable opinions and seen elaborate stories of how one person is connected to another with familial ties and such fantastical stories about their 'history' as it were. Is it always that fantastical...or do some temper it and only take the discipline of it, and leave the whimsical fantasy-like play aside? Time to do a lil reading :o) |
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Is it always the practice of Masters to not give away anything about themeselves...any shred of information as to whom you might be dealing with. i am open...am willing to answer any questions put to me, but i have questions of my own. Is it not good to know...isn't it about discovering yourself and Him? |
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