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Wow... Been a long time since I've even really been on this site. Going back and reading old journal entries from a couple years ago makes me feel quite silly. Was that really me? Did I say such drivel? Looks like I really have come a long way. I am not that confused woman without a clue or goal anymore. |
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Well here we go again. I thought I had found once and for all what I had needed. Why is life so cruel sometimes, why is it that it brings two people together that fit so well, and then rips them apart? Is there a lesson to be learned from it? It doesn't seem fair.
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Well.. here we are again. I thought I knew where things were headed with Master from NC but he has decided that he is leaving the lifestyle. Seems an odd thing to happen and I imagine he'll change his mind again. But I will not be here waiting when he returns. My life moves onward. I have learned much of myself from our relationship, and I will carry this knowledge with me into the next.
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Life moves ever onward. And even when it seems there is none, there is always hope. I've learned much of myself and this path that I am on in such a short time. I look forward to where it may bring me.
I am glad that those that I would have called friend are so happy in their lives.
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Got to talk to Master today, even if rather briefly, it always makes me feel better. :)
Went back to work today and was quite productive, got lots done. Everything seems to have settled back to normal.
The only issue I seem to have had is that someone misunderstood what I said in yesterday's journal. I would never try to get her to question how her Master feels for her, or that he is a good force in her life. Perhaps the wording was wrong... I dunno. It doesn't really matter at this point. I wish her the best and will be here if and when she forgives me.
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There are some positives in my life right now... the drama at work is done. Things to go back to how they should be tomorrow.
And things are good with Master I learn more about this life, and myself and how I fit into it everyday. I have come to accept that I do not belong to me, I belong to him and I give that willingly.
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I did something really stupid the other day. My actions caused the hurt of someone I considered to be a friend. I did not think before I just went ahead with it and I should have. It was a terrible mistake that I must now pay the price for it. It didn't occur to me that my actions would cause this hurt, if the situation were exactly reversed, I would not have been offended. I have been having some difficulty with things at work that I won't get into, but it involved serious allegations brought against me. I haven't been myself and my mind has not been in the right place, but this is perhaps no excuse for the hurt I have caused. I understand she feels betrayed, but I hope she realizes that I would never do anything intentionaly to hurt her and perhaps in time she might forgive me.
We are all human and make mistakes. I am no different. I am just as prone to making a mistake as the next person. Know that I am truly, truly sorry... and I will not make that kind of mistake again. I value your friendship far more then "showing off".
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I feel lost once again. I fear I have over reacted as is usual for me. Sooner or later Master will get tired of this and release me if I do not get a handle on it. This is my last weekend off and I was to go down to see him. But he is working and has worked for 8 days straight or something and feels he will be too tired. So I don't go. But he is not talking to me again I think. I sent an email telling him that we needed to talk if he wished to continue on this path. I don't think this is too much to ask. Too often I am left wondering. I need to know where I stand here. I love him, and I am still his.
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Yep, just call me the queen of overreaction. I seem to be awful good at it. Apparently Master is one step ahead and expects that these feelings and doubts will happen from time to time. It seems he knows how I will react before even I do. I will continue down this path as I feel it is what I am meant for. He said he feels I was destined to be his Pet. :) that makes me so very happy.
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Well, here we go again. You'd think I'd get used to it by now. Haven't talked with him for a couple of days. Not going to get too stressed just yet. It just seems sometimes that when I need to talk to him most he isn't available for me. sigh.
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*does a little happy dance* I got to talk to Master last night. Waiting is a good thing. I discussed with him how I knew I was wrong and could not push. And that I knew things that he decreed as important to him must be followed to the letter. There will still be punishment for what I have done, there is no avoiding that and it will be Harsh. I am afraid of what is to come with that, but I know it is necessary. I can deal with anything I have to. I know that I love him and am loved in return.
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Waiting is the hardest part of this for me. I have learned my lesson this time, and fully understand how serious it is that I must do as Master asks of me. His demands are not open for interpretation. I miss him terribly through this, but understand that I must wait. It will take time for him to see that I am serious in this. I can only continue on and try to conduct myself as he would want. Following his rules, trying to improve my life. I love him and remain his Pet.
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So, hopefully I have figured out how to handle this situation. I cannot fix what I have done. That is not what is expected of me. We've already determined that no punishment can make up for something that I knew was wrong to begin with. I can only prove that I will not repeat the same mistake again. This will take time for Master to truly believe I will keep my word on, especially when the same mistake has been repeated more then once or twice. There is nothing I can do to force the issue, or make him decide sooner then he otherwise would. I have to exercise the patience I told him before I would try to find (I have a history of not being very patient at all). I have asked him to trust me, and I must trust now as well that he will not simply ignore me forever. So I will give him whatever time he needs to think on things and simply wait. My loyalty has not and will not change. I am his completely.
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Well here we go again. It would seem I am always making mistakes. Today's major mistake that cannot be corrected is calling Master at work. I did not perhaps grasp how important this was to him, to keep personal and professional completely separate. I will not make this mistake again... EVER. I've been bordering on a panic attack for the last two days worrying about if I've committed an error that I can not correct. Sometimes I act without thinking.... rationalize things to myself, it does not make them OK. I just want to know that he still wants me as his Pet.
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It would seem Master has gone silent on me again. I hope all is well with him. I know that I act up when I don't get my way, and Sunday was no different. So I wait for him again. I love him more then anything.... and I remain his. meanwhile I've been improving things with my life as he would want. Cleaned the car out pretty well today... still gotta vacumn it out. perhaps tomorrow.
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I have just returned from a couple of days with Master in NC. I had a wonderful time, and have learned more on what our life will be. I am still not Marked as he is not yet happy with the design of the tattoo. I'm sure that will be worked out soon. I did make some mistakes the last day, and now I worry what my punishment will be. I hope that I will be punished, and not forgotten instead.
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Just getting back from my weekend excursion down to North Carolina. It worked out as well as I'd hoped and served to strengthen the bond between Master and I. He's pushing the limits I thought I had and I am finding they were never truly my limits. Perhaps I just needed the right person to come along that I could trust completely. It is hard to believe it has only been a month since he took ownership.
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Today I am anxious. Errands to run to make sure I am ready for the weekend. Saturday afternoon I leave to go see him. It has been too long and I am nervous and excited all at the same time. I probably won't sleep well for the next couple of days. It is all fresh and new and I so want to learn what things will please him the most.
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Such a short time since I thought all was lost, and now I can't begin to understand why I did. I have never been so happy. I still wonder at the fact that so much has changed with my life. I had never thought I would be owned and never thought I'd be the type for 24/7. Now I can't imagine it would be any other way. I look forward to seeing where he will take me on this journey.
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Sometimes just waiting things out can be a good thing. Sometimes there is an explanation where you thought there couldn't be. And sometimes you get what you needed most of all. :)
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The start of another day... I know what my biggest flaw is. Patience, I seem to have none. Never was my strong point, I want what I want and want it now. This has to change, the sooner the better. So I wait. I will not try to contact him just yet. If it's space and time that is required, I will wait. By next weekend I will know wether there is any lasting results from our weekend, and then I may have to contact him. I wish this was easier, but nothing worthwhile ever is. I am still his.
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Another day passes and no further word. My friends are all telling me to move on. That he's just playing me, that he's showing me no respect. I don't want to believe them. I won't believe them. I will continue on and wait. I don't give myself lightly, and I have not here. If this is a lesson to be learned, I have learned it, Master. If this is punishment, then I think I have paid the price. If you do not wish to possess me any longer, then let me know so I might move on.
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Well, life moves ever forward wether we want it to or not sometimes. Still no word from the one who owns me, been nearly a week now. Still deciding if this is punishment, a test or perhaps just outright abandonment. So I continue to live my life as I always have, but knowing I am his until he tells me otherwise. My lesson has been learned I think, that I can't be so obsessive.. can't be so needy. But I need to know if he has decided against keeping me... I just need to know.
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Feel like I'm at a crossroads of sorts now. I've made mistakes that I can't take back, but wish I could. I thought I knew where I was going, but now I'm unsure... I can decide and simply wait. But I'm not sure what the right thing to do is. I feel abandoned. I don't want to believe that everything that was said was simply a lie... it couldn't have been... It felt too real to be that. I don't know if I've done irrepairable damage or not. i just want to know. I don't take my promises lightly. And I gave everything willingly.
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I just spent the most wonderful weekend at the Corvettes at Carlisle event up in PA. I've met someone new and returned as his Pet. So much can change in a weekend. Cannot wait to see how things will play out.
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