2/28/2014 10:38:23 PM: Sorry, folks.  This is the last one.   I'm not going to post journals here, any more.  There's a feature on the other site that is 'friends only' and I feel better about that.  That's what I've decided I'm going to do.   There was a thread about stalkers, and within myself, something changed.  Nobody can hurt me unless I allow them to hurt me.  I'm not going to be a victim of an abusive prick any more.   Stalkers are abusive bastards.  It's just how it is.  You're not a person any more.  You're just a dehumanized , and no matter what they say, they can't see that.   I can't help but think, it's all about not being loved.  They don't know what genuine affection is and the of their 'so-called' affection will never feel like that about them.  They have to fill themselves up with something......  Anything that removes the void.   It's great to be 'in love' with a submissive again.  It's like your life being colorized after spending years with black and white.

2/19/2014 12:04:45 AM: Again, it's been three weeks since I've done a journal.  While I mean no offense to anyone, the internet just isn't that high on the priority list.  Not for stuff like this.   As the saying goes......  Make plans, God laughs.  Just as soon as I put on the Mistress 'Roll Call' thread that I wouldn't be here much in February, tk got sick and all of the plans changed.    So, I've been here more than expected, and these past few days have made Me think of things that I may not have otherwise.  There have been a number of threads that have resonated with Me about the person I kicked out of My life and I think I'm looking at some things in a whole new way.  I know people say that one shouldn't compare one situation to another, but how does a person help it?   Knowing what I have now, even with tk down to illness, I feel like I cheated Myself out of so much for several years.  That there was no love that I felt.  That the sex was sub-standard and only was satisfying on an ownership and/or sadistic level.  That there was no value above service or protocol.  No sincere affection.  I forgot what it was like to love a submissive and I look at that part of My life as though I'm a stranger to Myself, staring into a deep void.  It's the difference between the wasteland and the oasis that I have now.   One of the biggest changes that is most noticeable is My attitude about casual play.  I guess I just came to a place where I know I'm happy inside and I don't have a desire to play with anybody else.  Why trade steak for hamburger?  Not even hamburger.  More like stale bread.  Yeah, it will keep you alive and prevent starvation, but it's similar to the difference between existing and living.   So, a few things happened between My last journal entry and now that have Me further convinced.  The most monumental was Valentine's Day.  This comes in two parts.  First, MP and I went out and had the most romantic day.  The hint of My materialistic side came out and I blew some bucks on some lingerie.  What woman doesn't want to feel sexy?  Got the nails done.  Had dinner out.  Did our part for a charitable contribution.   But there was this other thing and it never happened before.  Here I was, on Valentine's Day, and I was out shopping, with MP in tow, for a care package for My sick submissive.  I've had people in My life that I never did such a thing for, including war zones.  I never even wasted a postage stamp on that other person.  Never even mailed him so much as a birthday card, yet here I was, searching for just the right kind of green tea and trail mix to go along with the other things.    And, I got to see him on Valentine's Day!  That would have never happened before.  It sounds silly to say, but that's how I know it's different.   There was one more thread that got Me thinking.  It was something about D/D relationships.  I was recalling something that happened here recently and it's rather similar to a come to Jesus moment.......  Well, if I'd have been Jesus.  It was that 'look, this is how it is' discussion that we had.  When I did that, I knew I loved them both.  I never cared enough to do it before.

1/27/2014 7:49:47 PM: Haven't written a journal in almost three weeks.  I wanted to wait until after I had My excursion for date night.  After how many years of engaging in WIITWD saying, 'I don't date.  I engage in BDSM.'  I guess I do date, after all.It came close.  Right down to the wire with that freezing rain that they had in Fairbanks.  The problem with making plans in advance with someone a hundred miles away in Alaska is you never know what the roads will be like.  I don't drive in the dark, so that leaves a small window when the driving conditions are a mess.  It turned out ok, so now I can talk about it.I was really touched when My submissive asked Me out on a date.  It meant a lot to Me.  I thought it was the sweetest thing that any submissive man had ever done.  I'm used to people asking Me to play or attend this event or that.  Instead, he wanted to take Me to dinner.  Kind of like regular people. Plus, I have to admit, after all of the trips that he's made to come down here to make Me happy, I should at least do it once for him.  For so much of this, he's been the one making the effort.  The kid busts his ass all week long, working his tail off, and so many times, he gets off on Friday, does a few things in town, and then drives all of the way to see Me.  Spends as long as he can here until Sunday when there's just enough light to make the drive home, does his grocery shopping, and then the week starts all over again.  That's over and above all of the time he spends talking to Me during the week, often when he should be sleeping.  Not even counting that he's engaging in poly for the first time because of this situation.  After all of that, when he asked for one thing, I was happy to give it to him.Left just after 9:30 on Saturday morning, just in case the roads were not safe.  They were a piece of cake until I hit Fairbanks.  Took, maybe, an extra fifteen minutes.  I hadn't been in town for a while, so I stopped and got My nails done.  Still made it to his place around 1:00 PM.  A bit earlier than he had expected, so he was still in cleaning mode.  Spent the afternoon finishing that and added in some errands we both had to do.  I got shown the current project that he's been doing for work that I'd heard so much about.  Total credit for picking the restaurant.  One of those little places that always astonishes you because it's such a small place but they have excellent food.  I haven't been out for Thai in years.After dinner, we skipped the plan of going to hear some live music.  I wasn't disappointed with that because there were better priorities.  Did some wax play, had some fun, had a few drinks.  Talked, kissed, fooled around.  (I'd be shocked if we didn't these days.  Still can't keep My hands off of him.)  We have such a good time together. I got the chance to see the other side of it the next morning.  When I had to be the one to leave.  I had left him in bed so I could take a shower.  By the time I got out, he was up, getting ready to cook a late breakfast.  As promised, I watched him cook for Me and he made Me smile that he served Me first.  We ate together.  Then, it was time for Me to go.I have this rule about travel.  Anybody coming to Me has to get in contact when they are leaving and they have to do the same when they get home so I know they are safe.  I just think it's the decent thing to do.  I figure, if I expect that common courtesy from others, I should be willing to do the same.  Sent MP a text to let him know that I was leaving.  Promised to send tk a text when I got back.Speaking of MP, I was really proud of him.  We've been poly for a long time, but this is kind of different.  It's a new level of emotional attachment that he's never seen Me experience before, and that makes it entirely new.  I've never felt about a submissive the way I do now and he handled it with style and grace.  No interruptions.  No texts.  No calls.  He didn't have a problem with tk and I having time for just the two of us, and that was spectacular.  I was so excited when I came home and he was happy to listen to My stories about our time together.

1/7/2014 4:02:45 PM: Being the smart ass that I am, I can't stop from laughing that a certain profile felt the need to 'Admire' Me.  Seriously?  Please stop making a fool of yourself.  It's silly of you to have to come the forums to read what I write or look up the journals.  All you're doing is continually proving that you don't have the happiness that I've found.  The happiness that I never had in a dynamic, until now.For those who have sent emails, comments, and such about Me being happy, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.  Yes, I think it probably does show in the things that I write.  I'm still blunt but I think the harsher tones aren't as present.  I firmly agree with the messages.  While I wouldn't have been the person I would foresee saying it, I probably am a kinder, gentler version of Me in discussions.   At first, I thought it was a fluke.  I thought it was something that was happening because the endorphins were flying or some other kind of justification.  It wasn't there before in those times that we had played casually.  Sure.  We had fun and everything but the sparks weren't there until just a couple of months ago.We've talked about it at length.  We don't know why we click so well or why we are so amazing together.  Our play is getting to phenomenal level.  I'm hitting types of space that I haven't experienced in years and some that he's never seen before.  I've seen the same from the other side that just blows My mind.  His eyes are so beautiful when he's flying.   Playing or not, we can't keep our hands off of each other.  We kiss so much that My skin gets irritated just from a few hour's worth of stubble on his face.  The sex is totally off of the charts and it's not just the ownership or satisfy the sadistic urges kind.  It's the 'holy shit, we've really got something here' kind.  The type where I'm not just into the pics of play but the 'private stash' pics that are just of his body that have nothing to do with S/m. I know people are probably thinking that I'm acting like a teenage girl with a case of puppy love.  I'd probably be thinking that too, if I wasn't experiencing what I am.  I don't know if it's the chemistry, the sincere emotional attachment, or what the formula is that we seem to be doing everything just right.  It's the best poly, the best play, and the best dynamic I've ever had and I'm exceptionally happy.

1/4/2014 3:06:41 AM: I think I just had the most intense eight hour long BDSM play of My entire life. I officially declare January 3rd to be 'put things in your submissive' day. (Hey, if the other site can have 'poke a sadist' day, I figure it all evens out.