8/15/2016 5:03:49 PM: He woke me up, only to send me back to sleep. Two glorious weeks of being ME again! To finally being on the path of what I have craved for the longest, and now I'm back to the caring, compassionate friend helping to save a marriage! Why do I care so much? Why do I put myself out there for this ONE particular person... Knowing my gut says He and i will never be what I crave. Yet, I'm still hoping and praying! Some how I need to find a way to stop these emotions for this ONE particular person so I don't cause myself any more pain or misery or headache . So fucking close, yet too soon, and not close enough! Oh well, back to being dormant again...

8/14/2012 8:54:58 AM: 'Skin' by Sixx A.M.   Paint yourself a pictureOf what you wish you looked likeMaybe then they just mightFeel an ounce of your pain Come into focusStep out of the shadowsIt's a losing battleThere's no need to be ashamed Cause they don't even know youAll they see is scarsThey don't see the angelLiving in your heart Let them find the real youBuried deep withinLet them know with all you've gotThat you are not your skin Oh [X2] When they start to judge youShow them your true colorsAnd do onto othersAs you'd have done to you Just rise above thisKill them with your kindnessIgnorance is blindnessThey're the ones that stand to lose 'Cause they don't even know youAll they see is scarsThey don't see the angelLiving in your heart Let them find the real youBuried deep withinLet them know with all you gotThat you are not your skin OHHHHHHHHHH Well they don't even know youAll they see is scarsThey don't see the angelLiving in your heart Let them find the real youBuried deep withinLet them know with all you've gotThat you are notThat you are not your skin Oh [X2]

7/27/2012 8:12:56 PM: I'm lost. I'm vacant. I'm unraveling at the seams.  I can't see  color. I can't see red. I can't feel any more. These thoughts have consumed me. They are everything to me. I breathe in more thoughts to fuel the desire. Something i yearn for that i've never had. Watching I become jealous I want what they have.  I want to give that control up to you again.  Only you were the ONE for me. Only you had that emotional attachment Only you had that control. You spoke words into my soul that caused me to turn to putty in your hands. You were shaping me and molding me. You are still to distant  I can't read your mind I can't see your face. I can't see in through the windows to your soul. I want to know you. Your deepest secrets I want to know. Your deepest, nastiest fantasy I want to fill for you.

7/27/2012 6:36:21 AM: I so want what I am missing. I want this that i crave so desperately. its eating away at me... i'm getting to a point where ideas are creeping into my mind so that i can get what i want, yet i need to be faithful, truthful and honest... oh what is a sub to do? missing that certain someone's control... missing that certain someone who waited so long... ugh this is agony... to be a sub and be unused... i know this is what i chose, but didn't listen or realize how much this would consume me. didn't see myself as a person NEEDING this but now i am in desperate need!!! Does that even make sense? Do i make sense at all? why oh why did you leave? why did you have to go? why did i wait so long? STILL KICKING MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!

4/23/2012 10:43:22 AM: This past weekend my hubby and I went to SwingBreak 2012. Its a swingers and bdsm kind of camping weekend. It was a blast! Last year when we went in October I had A LOT of fun but also drank too much got sick and missed out on a ton more fun that I could have had. An amazing friend of mine, whom I've talked with for MANY years, and I finally met in person. He has always told me that the toys are not mean to inflict pain unless the person holding them intends to inflict pain. Like I was against the idea of the whip and a cane and a few other things... But its all in the way they are handled and used. Unfortunately my friend moved to the other side of the country... :( So now i kick myself every day for not meeting him in person sooner!!!! Any way, this weekend he was not there :( but we did have a BDSM 101 presentation. Nothing that I didn't already know but just the fact that hubby was there and heard what I've been telling him for a long time from someone else was very helpful. He said he enjoyed watching the slave's facial expressions and body movements as different toys were demonstrated on her. (If you enjoyed that, just wait til ya see mine!!!) We got to talk to the demonstrator and his slave. And then he started talking with another couple so hubby and I moved on. A little while later, here comes the demonstrator with a candle lighter and germx and says I heard you have an interest... My face LIT up and I got all excited like a kid in a candy store... He asked if I wanted to experience it I was like ohh can we can we can we??????? YES YES!!!!! YES!!!!! He says ok how, where... I said now, here, I don't care, you tell me i'm game! So it was decided to play on my back... I was like ah.... so excited. the sensation of the heat on various parts of my back sent me into a world of pure bliss and happiness.... I know my hubby couldn't see my face b/c he was watching what was going on with my back and how this was being done. The demonstrator explained how to safely do this to me. Oh I was so tickled... I know that I'm still beaming! I so can't wait for hubby to learn to do this and so much more. I know its going to take time but without it, I'm so lost.... Can't wait to become so very active again!