Collarspace

1/22/2009 8:36:13 PM: I get lots of questions-concerns-ideas about humiliation and I usually fall back on saying that it's not about the word, it's about the activities, since things that would be humiliating to one might be boring or a favorite activity of another I liked something I saw reposted earlier, "the definition of humiliation is about embarrassment and degradation about devaluing a person. The affects depend on the individual." I would never intentionally devalue a submissive, since I think D/s should be about enhancing the self esteem of everyone in the relationship Is it really embarrassment or something else when humiliation is done well. I think of it simply as something which presses the right button the right way. Maybe it is just saying "my slut" or maybe it's her saying that is what she is. Maybe it is an orgasm in a public place, even if no one can see it. Perhaps it's having to beg for something she thinks she should automatically receive But within the context of a relationship where she knows she is respected, and where she can correctly trust, it can be fun and exciting And that's a good thing

1/22/2009 6:09:23 PM: Cross post from my page So here I am thinking I have a puppy fetish and it turns out I'm not even close!Silly me, I just thought having submissives trained to crawl, collared and leashed and to come on command like a trained pet and a few other things qualified me. has let me know, maybe I have a kind of mini-fetish thing, but hey, I don't1 Have them pick a breed 2 Give them a dog name 3 Make them just bark 4 A whole bunch of other things Turned out to be useful. It made me think about what really drove this desire for me and for those who have grown through it.I think it comes down to the value of objectification. For the submissive, if she can separate any past baggage from how she was raised to think about sex or her needs to over analyze and can instead focus on obedience and enjoyment.For some, not all, that kind of separation can be achieved by visualization of something she can easily imagine. For me, the images of dogs going at it has always been a visual representation of lust as they seemingly act only on instinct and in a frenetic way.So maybe I should resign the puppy fetish and just stick to objectificationBut I don't think so. . . . . and if you've ever seen an incredibly smart, beautiful woman crawling on all fours to obey, then you know why

12/27/2007 8:25:48 PM: I'm so conflicted about the lunacy of this entry but what the heck. . . . . . What do the ranters on collarme think is going to actually happen when they rant? Here's my reaction. . . . . . 1) Are there any REAL doms on here (also known as. . . .are there only FAKE or Wanna-be doms here?)How I react: I can't imagine the 'real' doms will be attracted by this statement nor will the 'fake' doms be repelled. A true dominant will have to consider why you are being bothered by wanna-be types instead of ignoring them. Is it because you can't discern the difference quickly? I can't see what you have to gain in terms of attracting true dominants. If it is just your time you are thinking of and you want the fakes to go away, do you think putting something in your profile or journal will even get read? And if it does, will it get you anything but a 'you are right, but I am a true dominant, kneel down and email me your pin and take your clothes on a cam now' message from the fakes? I understand you are frustrated, there are ways of making your profile more attractive to dominants and less attractive to fakes. This isn't one of them.2) Doesn't anyone read profiles? Read my profile before contacting me.My reaction: Given the ones who offend you won't read this by definition, all you are doing is looking bitter to those who do. Sorry you are frustrated by the world including scammers and those who try to do things the easy way. Why do you think complaining to the other people who act appropriately will make you attractive to them as opposed to making you look like a potential whiner?3) If you are looking for a DOORMAT, move onMy reaction: Is there anyone out there admitting to being a doormat? I haven't seen it in the past couple of decades. Personally I feel those who act that way can't submit and I am only attracted to those who are strong in their lives and consciously submit. But in my experience, those folks don't usually have to advertise that they are strong, they let their actions and/or words speak for them. So why demean others/sound superior for no reason? Why not just speak to people, let them see your strength and get to know you? If someone emails you assuming you are a doormat, why not just block them and move on? Why do you need to tell everyone? And why are people treating you that way?4) I seek only 'The One' if you are poly, you suck; if you are married, you will be eternally damned; if you have a harem, you are mentally derangedMy reaction: I love it when people express their preferences. I don't care if it's height or age or marital status or poly preference or geography. If someone responds to you who doesn't read profiles, block him/her and move on. Why sound like a judgmental whiner to those who read profiles/journals and respect others? 5) If you are just looking to get laid, move onMy reaction: If this works against the forces who email 'wanna fuck' to everyone on Collarme, then keep putting it in your profile. Until then, you appear to lack judgment by putting negative information as the lead in your introduction of yourself to others. If you start out with negative things about others why shouldn't I think you are a negative person? Isn't it more likely? And the fact that you are complaining about something you aren't likely to change doesn't make me want to contact you anytime soon. And maybe you shouldn't have included the picture of your tits if you didn't want to get that message. 6) I don't like/respond to the following messages: (fill in blank from 'hello', 'how is your search going', 'What's new' 'do you like to do whatever I'm into' 'people with Master in their name as if I am already their slave' 'People from whatever town'My response: OK--don't respond to them. If they would have sent that message and you convince them one time to send something more, do you really think it's going to work out? It just sounds like someone wanting to impress us with how much email they get--how selective they are--how busy they are, etc. Overall--OK I purposely overstated my point here. It's a pretty simple one--block morons, don't even comment on them. I'm sorry they are here--but they are--move on.Don't spend your time complaining about people soliciting you who aren't worth your time. It's a free site, you are going to be bothered. Be positive about what you want and tell us what you don't want if it's going to change something.On those few occassions I've emailed someone new, it's almost always been to tell them to ignore the first month on collarme and to use the second month to see if it's worth their time. I'm sorry it's that way, too. I'm sorry people email me and then disappear. I'm sorry people email me wanting to be friends and then find a 'dominant' who doesn't want them to have contact with any males for some reason. I'm sorry about all kinds of things--but none of them mean anything to the next positive relationship I'm going to have.Happy New Year! And keep the comments (pro and con) coming

11/18/2007 10:25:06 PM: I'm loving this journal thing. I got three emails about the first entry. One disagreed with my being pro-life, one disagreed with my being pro-choice, and I never even expressed an opinion on the issue. The third was a very thoughtful reply which disagreed with my political views, although I tried not to express one. The idea that people read these and then email about them is great. I also got a couple of 'thank you these help' without mentioning what part helped. Here's another one on breath play The three fundamental principles of 'normal' kink are Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC). Someone sent me an article on how the survivors in a family are suing the former sex partner of someone who left their son in a closet in bondage gear. It was apparently something the 'victim' enjoyed. While the person sending the email sent it as a general 'warning' to those who like that sort of activity, I have no problem with holding people accountable for safe, sane, and consensual. One of my favorite things to rail about is AEA. But I also offer a safe alternative at the end of the posting. Below is the Columbia University definition. Auto-erotic asphyxiation (AEA) is the term used to describe the practice of cutting off the blood supply to the brain through self-applied suffocation methods while masturbating to orgasm. The interference of blood supply to the brain brought on by AEA can induce cerebral anoxia, a deficiency of oxygen in the brain. It is thought that the lack of blood flow and oxygen can intensify sensations, producing sensations of giddiness, lightheadedness, or exhilaration that can heighten the orgasmic experience. It's also possible that the helplessness and self-endangerment inherent in the techniques enhance the person's sexual gratification. Of course, this same self-endangerment that may provide a thrill to the person carrying out AEA also weakens one's self-control and judgment, which can easily result in accidental death. Exactly how many people engage in AEA is unknown, and the practice almost always remains a secret until a person dies accidentally. It's estimated that between 500 and 1000 deaths occur annually in the United States from this dangerous type of masturbation. While it is thought to be practiced more often by adolescent or young adult guys, a small number of women die from AEA every year. If a person does not die from cerebral anoxia, brain or tissue damage could possibly occur, depending on how long the brain and body are deprived of oxygen. A person also risks lacerating, cutting or bruising the neck, trachea, and esophagus, depending on the suffocation or strangulation technique used. These immediate threats to the brain and body, including death and brain damage, make auto-erotic asphyxiation one of the riskiest of all sexual behaviors. There is something about death and brain damage that means this fails on the safe side of Safe-Sane-Consensual. I won't argue if it's 2/3 or 1/3 One easy alternative is having the submissive partner hold her breath for as long as she can. (Feel free to change gender as applicable to your situation). The dominant can name the number of seconds (perhaps slightly longer than the last time) and then the dominant counts out the seconds. The end of the count should be aligned with the submissive's orgasm and she gets 80% of the AEA benefits with none of the risk. If you'd like to try the cousin of the AEA, passing out during orgasms, try having her put her head back over the edge of the bed. That way the blood flows to both extremities but when it leaves the head to go 'elsewhere' she may experience a feeling similar to passing out. Self regulating and safe Have a fun week and happy T-day

11/18/2007 3:22:54 PM: Safe words would be great if they made you safe One thing that the internet has brought to newcomers in (fill in one of the following: BDSM, D/s, S&M, etc) is the idea that safe words are both necessary and are something that will keep the (fill in one of the following: submissive, bottom, slave, masochist) safe. I don't think it is true, although I admit it might work for some. Two main reasons You don't set up a conscious power exchange, have one person grant trust and turn her safety over to you just so you can say 'oh, and it's up to you to stop things and keep things safe'. If you don't want the responsibility for safety, don't be a dominant. If you've ever seen/been/been with a someone who reaches 'subspace' you may have recognized the adrenaline rush she is experiencing. You can't possibly expect her to suddenly come out of it and go 'alligator' or whatever safe word you've chosen. So safe words can work--if the submissive misses the experience she is likely looking for--what fun is that? Maybe she's missing it because she's busy trying to decide if she should call it the word or not or maybe trying to remember it. This is supposed to be her time. But I think you shouldn't say something negative without an alternative, so here goes I believe in the traffic light method. Dominant stops and asks for a color. Submissive may have been deep into subspace but things stop until she comes out and says green for more, yellow for go slow, or red for done. Dominant keeps responsibility for safety and stops things, gets a conscious response after some of the endorphins are down from their peak. Yet I know safe words work for some people, so maybe I'm missing something. Feel free to email me to let me know what