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Friends:
voodo

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It seems that Im finally in His arms. I trust Him. I love Him and I cant imagine this man ever letting us down. I will eventually delete this profile, but I want, first, to save some of my writings so I never forget what it took to get here.

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2/10/2018 3:32:40 AM
It's early morning in the Keys  I feel like I'm living someone else's life.  He means well, but bedtime at 9:30 means I'm awake for the day at 5:30 while he snoozes for hours more.  

This quiet time alone is the best time of the day.  The sun is peeking on the edge of the horizon.  I sit outside wearing little or nothing. Safe on the balcony with the ocean lapping at the foundation of the building below.  The sound of those waves brings comfort and takes me back to my home in Maine.

It's time to reclaim my life.  Time to be me. Do I dare blow everything up again and start overe?

5/17/2017 8:36:26 PM
I can't do it...I'm sinking.  

This quote sums it up - 
We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.
There are, of course, twists which would tailor this more to this current situation but I suppose the details do not matter.  What matters is that I'm hurting - and through no fault of my own.

4/10/2017 2:06:13 PM
In His Arms

She crawled into his arms, that safe place that she knew so well. As they sat twisted together on the floor, he played with her hair and she reached up to stroke his 5 o'clock shadow. It was the picture of sweetness. Theirs was a deep trusting relationship built on all that they had hoped for. She finally felt safe. He surely felt adored.

Summonsing the words, she cautiously asked him what the evening held. He had, after all, told her that it would be a special night. Was this it, was the chance to simply be with him special. To her it was...but she suspected that he would not use that word for what they had had for so long.

He smiled slightly and whispered, "Baby, you just need to trust me". She bit her lip and felt that familiar tightening deep in her belly.

Hearing some voices in the next room, He slid her off his lap and placed her on the blanket they had been sitting on. As he strode to the kitchen, she realized just how much His form, His demeanor meant to her. He was the One that she had hoped for, for so very long. Her thought was that she would do anything for Him.

Returning from the kitchen, Sir was followed by three men. She did not know them but noted that two were young and strong - probably in their late 20's or early 30's. The third man was tall and strong with dark eyes and a kind smile. As she lay there in her tee shirt and panties, she wondered why they were here and if she should excuse herself to dress.

Just as she decided their conversation was "guy" enough for her to slip away and put something on, He turned and looked at her. His only words were, "come here, baby". He sat back down on the floor and again pulled her into his lap. Without saying a word he slid her tee shirt up over her head and off with one motion. A rush of excitement and embarrassment all jumbled together to cause her to blush. She pulled in closer to him as the men made it clear that they were taking full advantage of the sight.

In turn each man answered the wardrobe change by removing his own shirt. Muscles and chest hair, the smell of "man", all of it both oddly enticing and a bit confusing. She looked up at Him and he smiled and again stroked her hair. As she relaxed in his arms, there was a sudden firm tug and her panties slid off and away. Again the three men looked on. They exchanged glances and seemed to have some unspoken agreement. As the first reach for the waistband of his jeans she felt a panic and jerked her head upward and stared straight into the eyes of her Sir. His reply to the pleading look, "trust Me".

Each man joined her in her nakedness. The darker haired young one reached over and turned on the radio. A soft melody filled the air but did not settle her mind.

"Tonight", he said softly, "we will learn the depth of your trust and commitment to Me". "I want this for you, and I want this to fulfill My desire". She knew in an instant that she could not resist - this would be for Him.

He kissed her, first softly and then with an increasing fervor. It was clear that this was turning Him on and she relished the knowledge. His cock grew beneath her and she reached for it as she felt His hand
slide between her legs and into that wet, warm place that was the center of the aching she felt.

Once He was satisfied that she was prepared, He lay her on the floor in front of Him with her head in his lap. She loved the smell of his groin and the warmth which contrasted with the coolness of the air on her belly and legs.

Suddenly he reached down to that spot again, but instead of the pleasure she had anticipated, He grabbed her thighs – both of them - one with each hand He pulled her long, curvy legs apart and she felt exposed but strangely was loving it…and Him. She twisted her head to the side to get to that cock that had been tall against her cheek. Taking it into her mouth, she didn’t care that the others were watching, this was her Sir!

She was suddenly aware of a warmth between her knees…there was someone there. She jumped a bit and instinctively started to pull away, “no baby, this is what you will do for Me”. She felt her own look of panic but he seemed oblivious to it. He nodded to the young blond between her legs and held her tightly as the unknown man slid the full length of his hard cock smoothly into her wet cunt in one delicious stroke. A confusing blend of desire, fear, anger, and longing surged through her and she tried to focus on His cock while the younger guy had his way. With each thrust she tried to catch her breath, but at the same time His cock was shoved deeper down her skilled throat. This pattern repeated several times, but the young man lacked enough control to hold off what her pussy was trained to do. He tensed, head growing larger, balls tighter and finally exploded within her spraying his sticky warmth deep inside. She smiled to herself knowing that she had outlasted him. She had not cum, it seemed wrong and, yet, it had been close.
The second young man came quickly towards her as the first made his way out of the room. She saw his erection and looked up at Sir. Her look was again met with a smile and a gentle kiss. The second man’s cock slid easily in parting her lips. Her pussy was swollen with excitement and lubricated by the young man’s load. The thrusts came quick, deep and hard. Wet smacking sounds filled the air and she felt as if an entire bottle of lube had been used on her pussy. She stretched around his cock milking him with her muscles that she had practiced with for so long to please His cock, but now engulfed another man’s. The sweat dripped off number two as he tried desperately to make her cum on his shaft. He angled his cock trying to grind it against her clit, but she was somehow able to hold out long enough. He was at the point of no return now and was determined to take his pleasure. Slipping his hands under her and grabbing her ass he pumped deeper that the first. She was in fact starting to enjoy it, but just as quickly he let out a groan and was soon spraying her deeply adding to the first. When the last of his spasms had drained his balls and her pussy had drank every drop she was again left wet and longing to release.
As she expected, the third man approached immediately after the second left. This man, tall and rugged was of a size to require that He spread her legs even further and she felt the pull which only added to the desire. “Oh god, it is true” she thought as she realized that it was not only his feet that were huge.
He, too, pounded hard as her Master held her tenderly. She could hold out no longer. This third man’s cock fit her pussy as if it were built for it. Stretching her tightly now and moving in a synchronized
rhythm with her hips lifting and opening to accept his strong warm cock she surrendered to this one and let go finding her relief just before the third man finished deep inside her. Her pussy clenching and releasing with each wave of her orgasm had been what his cock needed as he plunged ever deeper, He held her legs steady and open to accept this man’s cock and the pleasure He knew it brought her. When he was sure she was complete he withdrew.
Quietly the man left…and He pulled her close. Helping her to her feet, he guided her to the bath, drew the warm water into the tub and scooped her up as he stepped into the large tub with her. As he gently washed her and shampooed her hair, she saw that look on His face. He was pleased…and she felt complete.

 

6/26/2014 1:49:38 PM
He suggests instead of decides...I smile but know that it won't work.  I try to explain that I NEED Him to take control...he asks if I want to go to dinner.  And so it went.  In many ways he was wonderful and I tried hard to convince myself that he would take more ownership with time.  He didn't, and he's gone.  It's been quite awhile now and I find myself wanting to not repeat this....I can't.  I need to get this next one right.

5/24/2014 5:33:58 PM

Living alone seems freeing and yet it has become anything but.  The lack of human interaction is overwhelming.  Alone - you never laugh, you don't hear your own voice and most of all there is no human touch.  When lonely, I'll chat with friends here.  Now, sadly, they aren't showing up and while I guess that it is because they don't know how to access with the recent mess here, I miss them.


5/8/2014 5:47:35 PM

Sometimes I find myself wondering what I need to change...other times I feel it is my age that is the problem and, I realize, I cannot change that.  


11/20/2013 10:30:24 AM

Telling me that I "should be there" is like saying, "you need to breathe"


11/2/2013 5:27:46 PM

Filing my former profile

 


Contemplating which is more important and whether I should tell you first about "me" or whether I should save "You" the trouble of reading this entire chapter. Maybe it's like voice mail etiquette.  You know, you leave a message and kindly speak your cellphone number first.  That way, when someone wants to have you repeat the important piece (that number they weren't ready to write down), it is thankfully right at the beginning.  Yep, in the interest of kindness and efficiency, we'll go with "You".

 

 

 

"You", that mythical creature, are strong in your beliefs, dominant in your personality, well-educated, successful and happy.  You enjoy pleasant conversation, drives to "no weare" (no, that's not a typo) and are open, honest and curious (still) about life.  You've lived enough to have memories and stories but not so much that you are collecting Social Security.  I see that you are also a non-smoker, believe that street drugs would simply get in the way of your fun and while you might enjoy the occasional cocktail, Jack is not your best friend. Your dominance is innate not forced and your desire to own is strong enough to get us to that point.  

 

 

 

"I", the reality, am a confident, professional woman who loves the sound of loons on the lake, a pair of jeans at the end of the work day and the quiet knowledge that you really can lick all the way to the center of a Tootsie-roll pop. While I am well-educated, I am, more importantly, intelligent.  Common sense is something I value and admire in others. I believe common courtesy is to be highly valued.  I remember those "50's household" values and while I have obviously followed the "you can have it all" mantra of the 80's, I still believe that some traditions are worth holding dear.  I love being in the outdoor air, hiking, riding or simply sitting.  Curling up with a good book can pass a rainy afternoon as can a trip to the movies (yes, I know I can watch them at home, but the popcorn is still better at the theater).  A country auction, the chance to race you in a go-kart, or a weekend in Vegas will each make me smile.  

 

 

 

What makes me smile even more?  Bondage, restraints, rope, chains, leathers.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


7/29/2013 4:19:29 PM
People watching in San Francisco is the best!

6/9/2013 7:09:33 AM
Contemplating which is more important and whether I should tell you first about "me" or whether I should save "You" the trouble of reading this entire chapter. Maybe it's like voice mail etiquette.  You know, you leave a message and kindly speak your cellphone number first.  That way, when someone wants to have you repeat the important piece (that number they weren't ready to write down), it is thankfully right at the beginning.  Yep, in the interest of kindness and efficiency, we'll go with "You".
 
"You", that mythical creature, are strong in your beliefs, dominant in your personality, well-educated, successful and happy.  You enjoy pleasant conversation, drives to "no weare" (no, that's not a typo) and are open, honest and curious (still) about life.  You've lived enough to have memories and stories but not so much that you are collecting Social Security.  I see that you are also a non-smoker, believe that street drugs would simply get in the way of your fun and while you might enjoy the occasional cocktail, Jack is not your best friend. Your dominance is innate not forced and your desire to own is strong enough to get us to that point.  
 
"I", the reality, am a confident, professional woman who loves the sound of loons on the lake, a pair of jeans at the end of the work day and the quiet knowledge that you really can lick all the way to the center of a Tootsie-roll pop. While I am well-educated, I am, more importantly, intelligent.  Common sense is something I value and admire in others. I believe common courtesy is to be highly valued.  I remember those "50's household" values and while I have obviously followed the "you can have it all" mantra of the 80's, I still believe that some traditions are worth holding dear.  I love being in the outdoor air, hiking, riding or simply sitting.  Curling up with a good book can pass a rainy afternoon as can a trip to the movies (yes, I know I can watch them at home, but the popcorn is still better at the theater).  A country auction, the chance to race you in a go-kart, or a weekend in Vegas will each make me smile.  
 
What makes me smile even more?  Bondage, restraints, rope, chains, leathers.....
 
If you can stand my propensity for flipping between "The Blend", "The Highway" and CNN or Fox News as we drive, wish to meet someone I promise will be an interesting friend at the very least and truly seek an ongoing relationship  ...we just might have a great time together!
 
 

6/2/2013 8:31:18 PM

So, I saw Spank tonight - the Parody on 50 Shades. I had wanted to go but now am feeling unsettled about it.  You see, I saw the book - 50 Shades of Grey as a parody of my actual lifestyle.  Can you parody a parody? I think no, it became childish, shrill, ridiculous....and, to be honest, I felt a bit insulted.  Imagine if they made a slapstick parody about a gay romance novel.  The public outrage would be deafening.  My lifestyle, however, is not "approved" nor is it protected.  I can lose my job if my proclivities are discovered - but not the lesbian that works with me - she is protected.  

 

 


5/23/2013 3:09:00 PM

Loss to death seems oddly difficult...it happens to everyone...


10/27/2012 2:13:01 PM

Boredom has me curled up like a kitten. I'm struggling to motivate myself enough to do unexciting things like laundry...but yearn for company, touch, conversation......


5/3/2011 4:26:17 PM

I drove the other day...I drove a very long way.  Most of it was through the desert and was quite boring.   Just when I thought I couldn't take another mile of scrub land, I came over a small rise in the road to discover the most amazing and beautiful sand dunes you could image.  They were mesmerizing and I sat there for the next half hour watching the sand shift like waves in the ocean - but in slow motion.  

In thinking about this experience, I realized that maybe this will hold true in other ways.  Maybe when I finally get to the point that I can't take another day of this search, I'll round a corner and run right into the One that I belong with...maybe??? 


4/12/2011 4:46:01 PM

It has been a long time since I've written here.  I've changed and grown in so many ways.  What hasn't changed, however, is my need to find my place.  Some days, like today, are just more difficult than others.  The thought of curling up next to Him, feeling his hand rest on me or simply enjoying the warmth of his nearness - it's almost more than I can stand today.  The need is real.   


10/19/2010 6:20:09 PM

Life as I have known it is gone.  What lies before me is a plethora of options.  What doesn't lie before me is the one thing I want most of all.  It's ok..maybe this is good.  Maybe I'm suppose to do something different? 

There are friends in my life, good people, folks that have come into my life for a variety of reasons.  Some of these friends have been around for awhile now.  I have seen them as playmates, confidants, and ..possibly as more?  

How do you share a heart?


10/16/2010 12:07:12 PM
I am heading down a road that forks..I can see that split in the path  - it's just ahead.  Which route do I take, the one that leads no where but is known to be safe or the road that may take me to where I want to be but is terribly unknown? 

9/10/2010 10:53:37 AM

I made the mistake of saying that life couldn't get more complicated..so it did...almost like it was taken as a challenge.? Part of me wants to run screaming into the forest and the other part of me wants to charge headlong into the problems.??Perhaps I really do need someone to control things a bit for me?? :)


9/4/2010 1:51:32 PM
I haven't written in my journal for a bit.  I think, perhaps, it was my attempt to say that I didn't need to.  That somehow, magically, I would just find that connection with the right Sir.  Life is funny, though, and just when you think you know all of the pieces of what you need and you find them all in one place - you dicover that He still can't be yours.  It tears me apart...leaves me hollow and hurting and makes me wonder, even more, if I can ever have the Sir that I desire.   




7/25/2010 4:43:19 PM
Finally realizing that being different doesn't necessarily mean inferior.

7/16/2010 4:37:39 AM
A girl plays with herself a little in the morning...;and the whole D.C. area thinks it was an earthquake! 

6/29/2010 6:23:53 AM
Yesterday changed me - likely not for the better. When life really bites like that, I find myself wanting to curl up in a ball shutting the world and all the people out.   

6/28/2010 4:55:01 PM
A friend - more?????? 

6/27/2010 4:24:37 AM

Laying here this morning, naked, but wrapped in the covers and snuggling with the pillows, I was thinking about what lies ahead in my life.  The realization that someday I'll retire and the traveling will diminish.  Do I want to be hugging my pillows every morning?  Sigh..no.  Suddenly I thought, "even if I've no one in my life at that point - I'm not going to spend retirement alone. I'm going to make some homeless man VERY happy".....


6/24/2010 3:10:35 PM

Just plain horny..............


6/17/2010 1:18:44 PM
Well, in the end, I lost...

6/14/2010 6:20:13 PM
Just need one very good man....

6/9/2010 4:59:37 PM

I hate making decisions, struggling at the thought of whether to accept a new job.  It use to be that I felt free to do these things, but now - alone - it feels scarey, risky.  I so miss the sense of being part of something bigger and the knowledge that there was someone else to protect me.


6/7/2010 3:47:31 AM
I attended a family get-together this weekend.  It should have been a time to feel connected, a chance to smile a bit - but it wasn't.  Many of my late brothers closest friends were there along with his children, his ex's and others.  As I made my way through the crowd, the hugs were plentiful - but each one felt like it was from my brother - totally losing its intended meaning.  The tears crept closer and closer before finally exploding as I step away and out to the parking lot.  A total stranger - a biker who was at the pub adjoining the function room - grabbed me, held me and let me cry.  I still don't know who is was...but, please, take someone in your arms who needs it.     

6/4/2010 6:57:57 PM

Men in my life have always hurt me.  The most important man in my life, my Dad, left me when I was 13.  It was a sign of things to come.  Even now, if I muster the courage to give one my trust, my heart gets torn to pieces and, ultimately, I'm alone - again.   Do I chance this again? 


6/3/2010 2:23:13 PM
Shame on me....

6/2/2010 4:44:19 PM

Shopping after work, do I buy the conservative professional dress or the cleavage revealing sundress?  Class reunion coming up,...who do I let them think that I am?


6/2/2010 4:26:05 AM
The weekend seemed full of possibilities and, yet, I felt stangely drawn to coffee with an old friend.  I've known this particular friend since childhood, and we grew closer during adulthood.  Despite all of this, and a long noticed running flirt, we'd never really discussed our private lives.  Being rather sure of what I was going to get in response, I ventured to the edge of the ledge and shared that I had finally realized my submissiveness.  Life is good..it brought me to One who then shared his long-time experience, insight and a sparkle in his eye.  Alas, however perfect that sounds, I can't be His, it would risk hurting others and change a friendship that I've long valued.  It does, however, make me smile to know that there is a willing, listening ear that won't condemn those thoughts and scene that play out in my head. 

5/23/2010 6:38:03 PM
Maybe there is a place for me...in the arms of a dominant man.   

5/20/2010 6:17:39 PM
Home for a few days, an unusual occurence and a chance to be me for a bit. A walk in the woods, a bit of cooking, out on my bike, sneaking a nap, and yet, though it all, there is still part of me missing. 

5/14/2010 1:45:38 AM
Once in awhile I realize that the "search" is not what its about. 

I don't understand people...you met me on here..we chatted...and now you have an issue with me coming to this site?   

5/8/2010 5:53:23 AM
Never ask if things can get worse..they will.  I needed to stay in Massachusetts but am now being assigned to an account in Ohio...this will tear everything apart.

5/5/2010 2:35:53 PM
Tears of frustration mixed with sobs of regret...

5/4/2010 8:21:39 PM

Please, Sir...touch me, make me know that you're there.  Let me feel your warm breath on my neck and the strength of your hand entwined in my hair.  Give me a chance to please. 


5/2/2010 7:33:54 PM
The new week looms large and I'm facing it with new dread. Time to prioritize I think..

4/29/2010 4:10:10 AM
The morning seems bright..with possibilities.  The coffee, however, needs a little help.  Living out of my suitcase isn't exactly working for me at the moment.    I think I'm at one of those, "what do I want to be when I grow up" places in life.  

Anyone hiring? 

4/28/2010 3:40:07 PM
Should I sit here alone this evening..or go find an interesting place to eat..also alone?  UGH

4/26/2010 2:49:28 PM

Enough already..if you're married...Please, honor your commitment.  I didn't put you there and I'm not going to help you get out of it.  If you're INVOLVED with someone else, same thing holds true.  If you happen to have a sub/slave/wife/girlfriend, fwb, or even a domme...please...find someone who is into that ...its not me!


4/25/2010 5:45:47 PM
A period of celibacy seems fitting....

4/21/2010 6:23:25 PM
Hmmm...if you are the one following me around, please...don't waste your time.  My life is not that interesting!

4/20/2010 5:36:54 PM
Life's milestones continue to pass and I celebrate each one..going through the motions and realizing that it takes someone else in your life to truly make it worthwhile. 

Yes, I'm valuable..yes, I love myself, but it's more than that..its the need to know that you make a difference to someone else! 

4/15/2010 7:44:12 PM

Wondering if I'll ever be "enough" for anyone...


4/12/2010 3:47:26 AM
Grabbing breakfast enroute to the airport, I opted for a drive-thru. The young man working the window went out of his way to compliment me and to tell me that the scent I am wearing was driving him nuts. I thanked him...all the while thinking...hhhmmm?

4/8/2010 6:02:45 PM

Sometimes life just makes you smile! 


4/4/2010 5:51:24 PM

Lunch with family and friends...many couples...never quite feel like I fit..tired of the "aloneness" and envious of those who have found their "other".


3/30/2010 9:30:29 PM
Hurting again...licking my wounds..backing away.

3/26/2010 11:53:51 PM
Just when you think you know something...poof!!

3/26/2010 2:25:12 PM
Las Vegas, Baby!  A touch of work...maybe time for Fetish X tomorrow?? 

3/23/2010 7:25:21 PM

"Things" always get in the way...


3/21/2010 5:17:01 PM

A heightened sense of touch is a gift that I think I've finally accepted..mmmmmm.


3/20/2010 4:57:00 PM
My wings are new..need strengthening...

3/19/2010 6:24:26 PM
I had my nails done today and it was an amazing experience.  Not because of the nails, the neatly trimmed white tips are my norm, but because of the amerasian woman who applied them. She related the tale of life in Vietnam as an ameriasian child. Hidden by her mother for her safety, the woman was still able to express that she was one of the lucky ones - because her mother, unlike many mothers in that situation, loved her enough to keep her. Will I be kept?  

3/18/2010 2:36:15 PM
I took a walk today..the day was warm and the sunlight felt like the hugs that I crave.  The further I walked the more I realized that it had become a journey through my mind as much as a stroll through the woods.   

3/16/2010 3:41:27 PM
I wonder where my mind could take me..and I wonder more whether it will return me.

3/15/2010 2:55:28 PM

Touch..touch me deeply and only then, perhaps you can touch my body.


3/14/2010 4:09:40 PM
Possibilities are everywhere....

3/12/2010 2:48:10 PM
Sometimes it takes a moment to remember why you came here in the first place....

3/10/2010 8:37:21 PM
Faceless Name

A distant voice heard softly
Lacks reflection in my eyes
The desire to give myself to him
His possession to be prized.

Image of a man, a dream
Taste or scent not felt
Messages connect the two
A cruel hand has been dealt.


3/8/2010 8:23:13 PM
There is such a fine line between love and hatred.  I watch as friends divorce, the pattern predictable and still painful. One moment the spouse is devastated at the thought of loosing the other and the next moment pure hatred sets in..and the battle is on.  How sad that something like love can result in such pathetic greed.

3/7/2010 7:00:39 PM

Sometimes someone does the nicest thing without even knowing....


3/7/2010 1:37:20 AM
It turns out that making people smile is easy..making them see that you contributed to that smile is much tougher.

3/5/2010 5:14:05 AM
Today I'll make someone smile...

3/3/2010 4:49:50 AM
Yesterday would have been my brothers birthday - so I celebrated.  I know many will find that wrong, and in some ways it was painful, but I loved my brother for the amazing, big-hearted, funny guy who was always there for his big sister.  Celebrating the day he arrived on this earth seems right. 

3/2/2010 12:25:53 PM
Flight cancelled, rerouted, now stranded in D.C....while all too true, if seems a metaphor for my life over the past year.

3/1/2010 7:01:20 PM
Choosing to be just me for now, I can't even handle what is pleasurable.  The stress is taking a toll, causing me to toss and turn and cry into my pillow.  How could I possibly jump from this to the mindset that is needed to serve? 

2/28/2010 9:54:42 AM
There are moments in my life when I hear things and wonder if I'm hearing what's intended..or hearing what I am hoping for. Emotions run high lately and I suspect that that may influence the accuracy of my interpretations. Trying hard to step back, to hear and not feel, to see his words the way that he does. Sigh...

2/25/2010 4:05:41 PM
It becomes obvious, with time, that even Doms do, eventually find the woman that they deserve. Not the woman that they wish for, but the woman the will be attracted to the man that they are. 

2/24/2010 7:48:05 PM
The drive north tonight was long and slow.  Sleet, rain, ice, snow..it seems nature was throwing it all at me.  I don't say Mother Nature, a mom would never put me at risk like this!  Just before arriving home, I pulled to the edge of the road.  Surrounded by droopey balsam boughs, heavy with wet snow, I spent a few minutes just reflecting on where I am in life and where I need to go.  Parts of it are clear, pieces of it missing and yet the need grows ever stronger. I sense that life will change this year.  I have no reason to believe that, it is only a sense.  I just want to recognize it when it arrives....  

2/21/2010 8:34:36 PM

Today the prison seemed more foreboding than usual.  The walls seemed closer and the people more jammed in.  Visiting there is painful and that was magnified by the death of an inmate while I was there.  It strikes me that there have been a number of attempts and successes over the months that I have been traveling to this disgusting facility.  No one seems to care, no one paid attention to the warning signs..but they WERE there.  When are we going to realize that warehousing those with addiction issues is NOT treatment nor rehabilitiation nor even appropriate punishment?  When are we going to see drug addiction as an illness.  We all seem to have embraced alcohol in that fashion. When are we going to figure out that our "prison overpopulation" is really our own misuse?


2/20/2010 5:19:48 PM
Have you ever had to let someone go?  It tears my heart to pieces, but I know that it's the right thing to do.  Difference in goals - in fact, at odds. Should I have changed?

2/12/2010 6:44:08 PM
The evening is cold..but strangely warm at the same time.  Surrounded by family and friends, I laughed and smiled and talked.  My son is being married tomorrow.  What a strange mixture of happiness and sadness.  He'll always be my baby boy, smiling, and laughing.  I remember when he learned to stand..and then to run.  I'm not sure he ever walked.  It is with the same over achieving soul that he found a wonderful woman to become his bride.  I envy their youth, the possibilities, and the love. 

1/24/2010 9:06:48 PM
Today my Mom told me to expect a package.  It seems she has decided to dig out the letters my Dad sent to her during WWII.  She said she wants to read them one last time and then she wishes to give them to me.  Since Dad died when I was only 13, it seems a chance to "hear" from him again. The tears of this possibility mingled with the realization that my Mom is somehow preparing to die.  I fear this, people often seem to know when outwardly they appear well and remain active.  Another pending loss?  I fear that if that becomes reality anytime soon, it will break me into a million unretrievable pieces.  

1/23/2010 5:37:05 PM

Time to remodel my life.  I'm not quite sure where to start.  Perhaps at the very core.  A reassessment of my needs and desires both of which seem to be met - far more completely than I could have ever imagined.  Next, it is time to set some goals..a chance for that sense of achievement.  Nothing in the area of relationships...no, something far different.  Something that fulfills me.  Something that will leave a mark on others. 


1/17/2010 3:20:00 PM

I sooooo don't get it...


1/16/2010 4:47:04 AM
Sometimes you just hope that someone is right and other times you just know that he is. 

1/11/2010 11:04:34 PM
The weekend was horrible.  I longed for someone who chose to spend it with another.

  If that wasn't enough, my"ex" had MY dog put down without my knowledge....I have reached the end of my ability to take loss.... 

1/7/2010 4:28:39 PM
The weekend is looming large..and while I should be looking forward to it, I am not..I simply wish it to pass.

1/6/2010 9:20:34 PM

Time passes slowly......


1/5/2010 9:42:54 PM
Finally, I think I know where I'm going..and who might be at the other end waiting for me..

1/4/2010 1:17:17 AM
Previously, I mentioned my search for that comfortable, favorite pair of jeans. They have seemed elusive, perhaps non -existent and so the question becomes, can you borrow someone elses favorite jeans and have them become your favorites as well?   

12/31/2009 5:30:14 PM
2009 has been..without a doubt...the worst year of my life. Losses..many losses.  Even on the last day of the year, I find out that someone close to me has cancer..as if the year needed to get one final kick in.  It has knocked the wind out of me..but has not killed me.

12/29/2009 7:29:51 PM

A possibility seems like a small thing, but..for me..it's anything but.

12/25/2009 9:49:37 AM
Please don't lie to me, not for your own gain. If you think you need to lie, then maybe it's not the right thing for "me"?

12/14/2009 7:50:18 PM
When the darkness make you feel unworthy, God sends someone to prove otherwise.

12/14/2009 4:14:18 AM

Another loss...my life long friend.  I'm not sure what all of this is suppose to be telling me...and I realize that we all have losses, but truly, I am far beyond what I can handle.


12/13/2009 9:13:47 AM

Sometimes, a kiss is all you need to remember that you are connected. 


12/4/2009 3:16:21 PM
Within me lives a young girl, full of hope and wonder, yearning to be valued.  This baby girl needs to be cared for..and while I love her, know her to be an amazing soul and have tried to protect her, it's often been at the expense of growth.  So, now is the time..time for her to find the man who will claim her as his own.

12/2/2009 12:50:48 AM
A stranger was nice to me today.  It was a small gesture but so appreciated.  Lots of details I could give, but the bottom line is  - that's the first nice thing that's happened to me in quite awhile and has made me think about what's important................

11/27/2009 2:38:05 PM

Am I worthy?


11/24/2009 5:30:25 PM
A day of pain...at the hands of the dentist.  Sitting there..eyes closed...mind trying desperately to takes its leave and go to that space..out there..away from the pain.  It's days like this that the little girl is soooo obvious. 

11/22/2009 12:24:45 PM

Playing alone..soloing as it were...

I feel relief after cumming 3 or 4 times, but it is quickly followed with a sense of "I'm pathetic..I can't even find someone to have have sex with"..ugh!

11/21/2009 1:56:07 PM
Aching...is it desire, is it lonliness, is it to be satisfied?

11/17/2009 12:51:22 PM
Life is so strange..and yet, the pain of it at least lets us know that we're alive..still feeling..hurting, yes..a great deal. 

11/12/2009 12:26:50 PM
I am not sure I can take one more thing...lost a loved one a few days ago and now my best friend is on the verge of leaving us also....

I feel like I'm floundering..and wish I had a rock to hang onto.

11/8/2009 6:55:39 PM
The entire point of being on this earth is to leave it a better place by giving of yourself, being a friend and by ALWAYS having fun along the way.

11/4/2009 10:38:17 AM

Overwhelmed with work, struggling to balance, and wishing it were all easier...sigh.


11/2/2009 6:11:51 AM

What a wonderful morning...life just got better!


10/30/2009 6:53:40 AM
Sometimes people touch you in ways you never could have imagined....

10/28/2009 7:48:33 PM
It hurts...

10/28/2009 4:27:14 AM

Somewhere there is someone who knows that he is the one...please, Sir, let me know.  Don't just look at the profile or my journal and assume that  you need not write.  If you know you're good for me, why don't you write?  


10/27/2009 1:21:17 AM
Just when you think that you're the one carrying the weight of the world, you look over to see that someone else seems to be shouldering a bit more..and when both of you are exhausted and fall to your knees, somehow the world doesn't fall...why?  Maybe because it the "big guy" that's really holding everything in place? 

10/26/2009 12:55:18 PM

I sooooo can't play by the rules...


10/24/2009 8:39:51 AM
A rainy day...sigh.  Wrapped in a blanket, sipping apple chai and wondering what is so wrong with me?

10/22/2009 9:35:06 PM
Imagine, if you will, that you could truly have exactly what you desire.  Ok..are you imaging?  Great...now....you've had that...now what?????????

10/21/2009 3:55:09 AM

Realization...apparently, when your profile says that you desire something, it is interpretted as, "I'll do these things for you now..without question or expectation".   *Sigh*....so not me!  I'll update the profile..but please, gentlemen, don't confuse subservients with tramp!  


10/18/2009 4:51:24 AM
Often alone is empty, sometimes alone is far, far more than I know what to do with.

10/17/2009 10:28:17 AM
I want to tell him..one last chance before I go..but I won't say it.  He knows.  He must. 

10/15/2009 6:56:33 PM
The jeans are faded...revealing the texture beneath.  A few holes, worn, but mine...

10/14/2009 10:27:41 AM
My favorite pair of jeans...maybe they do exist!

10/14/2009 1:06:19 AM

I think I remember how to play...do you?


10/13/2009 12:59:04 AM
A few small words can light up the morning and let you know that the day holds possibilities. 

It's funny, when you're as alone,  the absence of those words, the very silence that at times is relaxing, becomes overwhelming and magnifies the aloneness.


10/12/2009 4:35:43 AM

Just as the leaves are changing from their deep green to brilliant reds, oranges and yellows, so am I changing.  Maybe none of this was intended to be for me?  Seeking yes, but what?  Am I seeking to serve or to desire someone enough to serve? 


10/10/2009 6:14:34 PM

Tonight I saw the sunset from Cadillac Mountain.  In many ways a metaphor for realizing that dreams also end..just like the day.  Not sure how to deal with the ending of this particular dream,  no context for this, no past experience. 


10/9/2009 4:13:24 AM
Dear Sir,

Yes, I am subservient, giving myself to you seems the very essense of who I am.  I do so without reservation, but with a sense that I am fulfilling, at least briefly, the reason I exist.  

You, Sir, while receiving of a gift, have a responsibility as well.  No less than a child or a pet, I wish the sense of security, safety and yes...even love, that allows me the trust in you.  Not willing to give that, then it will never reach the heights that you so eagarly anticipate - or those which I know to be possible. 

Respectfully,

Me

10/8/2009 4:54:39 PM
Sometimes a small word makes all the difference...sometimes it takes a bit more. 

10/8/2009 3:38:54 AM

I have come to realize that I am not the doormat that some think I need to be.  To follow that path would be internally inconsistent. 


10/7/2009 3:51:18 AM
The man in the elevator..did not even notice me...why? While the person I know myself to be is funny, intelligent, sensual, giving, adventurous and worth noticing, the men around me seem to be looking for outward attraction - not inward.  Here, all you see is the outward packaging.  You may even meet me and still see only the outside.  If someone took 3 minutes to look inside they'd  see sooooo much more! 

10/6/2009 1:15:50 PM
The elevator doors closed, wrapping the most lucious smelling man and me together within...hhhm....just made me miss, even more, having a man around...sigh.

10/5/2009 7:56:24 PM
Exhausted from the long day but smiling after a few words changed everything. 

10/5/2009 2:15:47 AM
It's early morning, my favorite time of the day.  There is always a sense of "possibilities" in what the upcoming day may hold.  It is much this same sense of anticipation that surrounds my thoughts as I move towards making my desires reality.  Who will be my sunrise?

10/3/2009 11:04:33 PM
To be desired is pleasant, in the moment, but to be loved, would be life altering.  I wonder what makes him so very afraid?

10/3/2009 7:49:34 PM
Tired of the aloneness and the occasional chance to hear from him.  Not a woman to lie in wait..but, for the first time I wish I were...*sigh*

10/3/2009 1:08:46 AM

Have you ever really, really wanted someone and knew that they did not desire you?  A sad mixture of resignation and lust.  I know I can be with others, but they are not him and, so, can never quite make my smile genuine.     


10/2/2009 12:52:10 PM

Touch seems like such a small thing..in many ways not even sexual.  If it is sexual, it is quite vanilla. Yet, when alone it is the one thing that I miss the most.  Please, touch me?    


9/30/2009 2:31:59 PM
How does one know when it's time to give up?  I've never been good at recognizing defeat....

9/29/2009 12:15:16 AM
If someone scares you..is it because they are reaching into a deep place within you or because you have reached into their depths?  Fear had clouded my ability to see that others, seemingly the most bold amoung us, are actually frightened.  New prespectives.....

9/27/2009 12:41:42 PM
Today is a day of reflection...maybe because it's rainy, maybe because is it needed or maybe because others really ARE confusing.  *Sigh* 

9/26/2009 3:01:48 PM
I've discovered that those favorite jeans come in two styles...and, can you believe it, I think the newly discovered style is even more wonderful than the original.  God..I could learn to love those jeans. 

9/24/2009 1:28:27 AM
If you could get just one thing "right" during your life, what would it be?  

As you approach the end of your life and are relaxing in the rocker, do you want to be reflecting on how successful you were at work, how many friends you found along the way or how it felt to look into the eyes of a lover? 

9/23/2009 3:28:02 PM
I've decided that there are people that come into your life and make magnificent changes; then there are those  who touch a small spot within you with magnificent results!  Still in search of the elusive jeans.

9/22/2009 5:49:55 PM

Have you ever been touched by someone who sent shivers up your back and made you melt all at the same time...*sigh*...if only.


9/21/2009 5:25:52 PM
Well, today was a strangely satisfying day.  I'm finding a new inner strength - perhaps just a fresh burst of energy - but, it feels good.  I think this is in no small way related to a very pleasant journey that I took last week....mmmmmm. 

9/20/2009 1:14:37 AM
Sleepless..lonely...

I sometimes wonder, why?  What's lacking in me that I remain alone? As I go through life, I see the "couples" and long to have that certain someone to laugh with, to quietly serve and to please.  Seems elusive.

9/19/2009 3:12:42 PM
Have you ever met someone that just felt right..like a great pair of jeans that you just can't bear to part with?  *Sigh*..

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 Age: 47
 Bloomington, Indiana