5/24/2010 2:33:55 AM: The D/s DynamicOne of the significant distinctions between the D/s and vanilla dynamic is the relationship of power and responsibility. In an egalitarian, vanilla relationship, each person is responsible to the other person but only responsible for him or herself. This isn't the way it's structured in D/s. Rather, in D/s, the dominant is responsible to his submissive and responsible for himself. And unlike the vanilla situation, the submissive more than being responsible to her dominant, she becomes responsible for her dominant as if he were her very self. Interestingly at the very point she becomes responsible for her dominant, the submissive entirely places her power to decide how to fulfill that responsibility into the dominant's hands. And this is what is really happening when we hear talk of a dominant's control and a submissive's bondage, because the dominant isn't controlling her specifically, he's controlling and using her power for his desired outcomes. In other words, the dominant has all of the power and the submissive has unlimited responsibility in a way that locks her into bondage to him.You may be wondering, isn't this unfair? Yes, it's absolutely unfair from a vanilla perspective. And yet it's this part of the dynamic that gives D/s its stark contrast to the vanilla world...and likely to some mental health professionals. And it's also this dynamic that makes every fibre of naturally born dominants and submissives irresistibly ache with insatiable craving.

12/16/2009 9:27:11 AM: Focus NowOne of the things you may have noticed is the frequency with which some submissives and slaves fill their profiles with demands about what others must do and not do when interacting with them. What's interesting about this is not the recognition that different people have different things that are important to them, but the often overwhelming focus of so-called submissives and slaves on those people and behaviours they like least.These folks have it upside down. If someone actually is a submissive person, wouldn't it make more sense to see this submissive/slave spend the vast majority of her time and energy doing whatever she can to be pleasing to worthy dominants rather than admonishing, castigating, and insulting those people she professes not to like? Well, if a submissive doesn't like the people who don't know how to behave, what's so important about filling a profile with advice about how to talk to her? Who exactly is the submissive interested in? Idiots or dominants?Being interested in seeing and making other people behave according to your standards is an inherently dominant thing. Being interested in making yourself behave in potentially pleasing ways to dominants who should receive service is an inherently submissive thing. Naturally, a submissive can, you know, truly give that. So, what specifically is your thing now?

8/18/2009 10:45:26 AM: Dominant or Submissive?Very often on BDSM sites, we find titles like master, slave, dominant, and submissive.  A typical site asks the user to choose from among these to identify oneself.We also commonly see the terms dominant and submissive, dom and sub, even the cutesy 'subbie' appear on this and other sites.  Because of a seemingly ingrained confusion, I want to share a clarification that might help people identify themselves and each other better.There is plenty of room for all kinds of people and preferences in BDSM. Yet, one of the things that frustrates many people is meeting someone only to discover how mismatched the other person is. Over and above personal tastes, social skills, and the impersonality of the Internet, many people have yet to identify who they actually are in the BDSM spectrum.One of the reasons for this has been the over-popularity of the terms dominant and submissive.  Simply looking at CM, you might think that nearly everyone fits into one of those two categories.  The interesting thing is that most people in BDSM aren't dominants or submissives;  most are tops and bottoms.You might be wondering why this is.  The first place to look is the name BDSM.  BDSM is short for BDDSSM.  And BDDSSM is an abbreviation for three divisions: Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission, and Sadism & Masochism.  All of these divisions share in common a power fascination.  More importantly, you will notice that of the three, only one division has any reference to D/s, and people more interested in Domination & Submission are easily recognised as dominants and submissives.  So how do we refer to people who are more oriented toward Bondage & Discipline?  And how do we refer to people who are more oriented toward Sadism & Masochism?  The gay leather subculture that originated all of these terms and rituals referred to them as tops and bottoms.A couple of the simplest ways to think of the difference between dominant & submissive and top & bottom is in terms of purpose and time.  Tops & bottoms are interested in some form of kink, fetish, or power oriented sex for a period of time like a scene or a session and then returning to a relatively vanilla or non-power-oriented dynamic afterward.  For tops & bottoms, ideas like dominant, submissive, master, or slave are merely roles taken on during a session or scene.  In short, the goal for tops & bottoms is pleasure seeking, even if by pain, for a limited period of time.  For example many come here online to 'play' that role, and then return to their 'real' lives.On the other hand, the purpose of dominance & submission is not as variation on an erotic theme, but for fulfilment.  So pleasure seeking isn't the aim of D/s.  In fact, the more mature the D/s dynamic the more likely you are to see discipline and denial operating in the relationship.  For dominants & submissives, being dominant or submissive isn't a role but an actual identity; it is who someone is, not merely how they act or what they do.  Sex doesn't even have to be a part of it.  And when it is a part, ecstasy through power exchange is the goal, not mere orgasms.There is definitely overlap here.  Many dominants are also tops, and many submissives are also bottoms.  There are also occasions when a dominant enjoys being a bottom as well, for instance.  It is this sort of scenario that begins to explain behaviours that appear confusing sometimes.  Experience shows that there are many women who call themselves submissives that are 'sexual submissives' or bottoms and are also dominant.  This explains what causes some to see a woman behave in a way that's very independent, bratty, or demanding and yet the moment the power-oriented kink starts, it's as if a switch flips and she is immediately compliant and obedient.  And it is correspondingly true of men as well.As you have already begun to recognise all the permutations of how dominance & submission and top & bottom mix, the wide variety of different tastes, thoughts, and behaviour starts to make more sense.In my own experiences, one of the greatest frustrations I have is being faced with taking someone at her word for how she identifies herself only to discover later that she appears to be more a bottom than a submissive.  Additionally, my experience is that there are far more tops & bottoms than natural dominants and submissives.  Natural dominants and submissives comprise a small but significant minority of the BDSM community.I firmly believe that if more people understood these differences and combinations, then more people would understand themselves better and find the right counter-parts for themselves more quickly, easily, and enjoyably.  The better we can identify who we are in this lifestyle, the better we can identify those with whom we fit best.Sooner or later, each of us in this lifestyle learns these differences.  The sooner we learn this, the sooner we can get on with having what we want most.What would happen if we all can become aware of this now?

8/18/2009 10:44:49 AM: On DisciplineWe hear many references to it in the BDSM community.  We do it to submissives and look for it in dominants.  We sometimes think of discipline as synonymous with punishment, regimentation, and sometimes a branch of knowledge.  It is one of the foundations of D/s.  And while discipline is part of each of these and others, the meaning of discipline remains independent from the ways in which it is used.One of the reasons discipline is so important to D/s is because it is the vehicle or conduit through which power transfers from the submissive to the dominant, which means that D/s becomes more real the more a dominant develops discipline and the more a submissive gives herself to learning his discipline.Still, you might be wondering, 'What is discipline actually?'  Discipline is the single greatest tool for spiritual growth, and four key features compose it:1.  Dedication to truth.  When you're dedicated to truth, you enjoy curiosity and celebrate discovery.  You become more aware of the world and challenge your beliefs.  You use imagination to explore what could be possibly real instead of using imagination to explore how you prefer to feel good.2.  Acceptance of responsibility.  As you become aware of new things and changes in your world-view, you act to satisfy those obligations that derive from truth.3.  Delay of immediate gratification.  You suspend your desire for pleasure long enough to make yourself aware of truth and satisfy your responsibilities.4.  Balancing and proportioning.  You recognise that some truths and responsibilities are more important than others, and you realise that keeping all the important things in the right perspective is the best way to honour truth and responsibility.How does this work for dominants and submissives?  Dominants become more masterful the more they instil discipline in themselves, and teach this discipline to their submissives.  It is important for a submissive to have self-discipline before she begins service.  A submissive can only give to her dominant what she already has.  The more she has self-discipline, the more she can give this to her dominant, because when a submissive serves her dominant, all of her responsibilities flow from her dominant’s truths.