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Tell me. . . What you see. . . If Im good looking, handsome, cute, or some kind of stud I wouldnt know. . . As it is, I dont know how to react when I see my reflection. . . Its just better do what I have to as quickly as I can. . . I never thought bdsm dating would be this much of a frustrating ordeal. . . I didnt think exploring this lifestyle would amount to meeting just one person all these years. . . Yes, I accept being and remaining part of the problem. . . I wrote a poem about 2 months ago, and Ive yet to get a reply. . . Did I say a little or too much. . . With wi-fi, mobile phones, and constant text messaging--how could there be no answer. . . I forgot all the streaming and apps to see. . . Never enough time--I guess. . . Either way how I look, the words I used only creates more questions instead of answers of serving someone.
Thank you
Ps. What I wrote in the journal will remain. All is left is to reconsider my interests in the next few days.
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Hazelnut Muffin
Through Nutella, I have had more hazelnut sandwiches, than hazelnut coffee. If there exists a recipie for hazelnut muffins, I wouldn't know since all I know to use in a kitchen is a table and chair.
Yet, I'm aware a pumkin was spared from the ordeal of pumpkin chunkin in the weeks to come.
Moment of silence for all those that didn't make it.
I'm left to wonder was there a specific topic you wanted to talk about--especially when we know of each other for so long? Then again, it felt like speed dating with only one person to intrigue and entertain.
I enjoyed it!
What is it about writing that makes it easy for me to use the title to your name, but too embarassed to say it in public? Disregard me being introverted. It's knowing not many will see the emails I write, and very few people who know me are aware of
my curiousity to this lifestyle.
Is it a benefit of being a loner or someone that might be addicted to thinking too much?
Even though I have seen several thumbnail pics through the years, it was recalling
the first pic you sent me--specifically yours eyes--and the grey hat that made me ask your name, yesterday. To clarify, the only grey thing I seen was the hat,
and nothing else.
I might have a slight fixation with buckets, but I can't help admiring knowing that the driver's history is there for everyone to witness! Their own unique way of admitting there's no perfect driver. In the end, I must salute the things that catch
my eye animate or not.
My only disappointment came at not knowing what to do at the end. I wasn't sure if it was right to ask if I can give you another hug as we went our seperate ways?
Or if I could take your pic? I only remembered this question while walking back.
Of which both are minor issues.
Nothing more to say.
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Finally
I met Miss Kelli today.
It was a surprise to be offered a hug--especially when I didn't expect it. I'll agree, it shouldn't tooken so long, but I know I'm part of the reason for the delay--sometimes necessary. Also, I am a problematic type who doesn't grasp his potential--as a Domme might. Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder--as the saying goes. Yes, I can't deny that I'm dysfunctional in my ways. I guess you can say I'm lost in the reality of living a functional adult life. At least, on daily schedule.
Yet, I can rest knowing that a sane, focused, responsible, short and to the point Domme exists on this site. One Domme, that I hope I might get the chance to spend time again (even if it was just talking). I'm more relieved knowing You're someone I can feel safe, but more fearful of pursuing the lifestyle since there's no way to truly prepare myself for the variety of fetishes that exist in it. As you know, the conflicted aspect of me makes baby steps almost mandatory. I'm not offering nor expecting anything from You, Miss Kelli.
Still, I know it's one thing to talk with a Domme in person,
A more serious matter to submit to One,
and an honor of being able to play with Her.
Personally, I question the sincerity of my focus to this lifestyle.
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1, may be considered the lonelinest number,
but psychologically it comes with a wide variety
of thoughts that enable a person
to be emotionally alive.
1,
I am aware,
and truly understand the questionable
beauty of it. |
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PChef741
What a fucking bummer on my part! I shouldn't haven't been surprised with the outcome of a series of questions I asked a female--to be more exactly-- a tomboy. Still, the profile was limitied to one pic, and had there been a few other pics maybe one or 2 of the questions wouldn't be asked by me. Believe me, I had no issue in keeping my mouth shut regarding those insiginficant questions. All the questions amounted to were insignificant curiousities, but you over compliment me as someone who reads fashion magazines, follows fashions shows, and what not. I personally, don't care how I look like (in fact it's a daily attitude I accept about myself. Wouldn't some of the of the questions been answer the moment I met you? Yes, but if you want to flaw me as male caught up on female looks, I'll admit you're partially correct on that assumption. I don't know why, but facial features are by far the most important thing to me (with or without make-up it's only a little variation to the details. Depending what a person can feel from glimpsing a person's face is a sense of their personality and soul. You indeed have one of each. Try to understand, I'm a loner who really has difficulties getting along or close to people for varieties of reasons. Given that I spend unbelievable amounts of time with thoughts on my mind on a wide variety of topics--If you like, continue to have the misjudgement from a set of questions that I could've handled differently. Sorry for disappointing you and your bed set again. Maybe 2 wrongs don't make a right, but how 2 wrongs make right in mathematics mesemersizes me! Shhhh!!
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For many months, I wanted to vent a frustration that seems to be growing like a virus. How is it possible that Dommes from the state of Connecticut (same state I happen to reside) only seek one kind of sub--a pay pig?
How can they complain about their experience of subs, when clearly that preference of subs and bold descriptions to what they seek in D/s relationship is money, gifts, and tributes.
Your words of affection--the blatant description of personal gain make it difficult for me to believe you have reasons to complain about subs and training them. When in fact, it's probably an online relationship at a rate that the Domme is comfortable charging a sub for. There's no real training involved--it's just a screwed up blackmail with a female that I question if she's truly a Domme or not. Finally, I get to say it.
As for pro-Dommes, I'm still undecided about them. That's why avoid them. |
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August 2010
Disregard the date that my journal insist the date of this entry be--it's incorrect since the original date involves my obedieance to a Female I've been in contact and service since August 2010.
It's alomst 3 years I've been asissting Her in various tasks, but we will both admit that what's been accomplished is far from our mutual interests. Far from complete. I know what I have to do to fulfill it.
As my Owner says, " you are still Mine; and you will always be Mine, I mean you, -------." Nothing more left me to say on my part or my Owner's behalf. |
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October 27, 2012
No. This entry isn't about me annoucing my decision who I'm choosing to be the next president. Independent I might be, but undecided I'm far from not. All I can say the person I'm choosing is one with an attitude problem--in my opinion that is.
As of today, I've gone 117 days without an orgasm--no masturbating, no j/o or a person to have sex with. For those unable and unwilling to do the math, the previous ocassion was July 3, 012. That's so sad, I have to admit to myself. Four years on this site and I've yet to meet a single person in real life!
Regardless, this current streak I'm on will surely surpass my previous one of 124 days without having an orgasm. Given the difficulty with this site with regards to even meeting someone to talk about this lifestyle in person is rather too difficult and disappointing.
Given all the time I invested in this site, it's best that I work on myself instead. Ultimately, I'm admitting and choosing to be celibate until I find a suitable lover to serve and decide when will be my
first sexual experience.
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Free again.
Some how, the happiness doesn't flow through me at all.
4 years on this site and still I'm a newbie.
Don't worry I'll save that thought and disappointment for my daily walks.
A character and a project is all that I am, but seeking a monogamous
long-term relationship.
Yes, a swinger, time waster and player--I don't have the conscience to mislead.
The only bright side I've learned more about this lifestyle from interacting with a few people here.
To them, I'm debted with the guilt of my mistakes as a newbie.
Still, I have the belief that the light to who I am will finally find my Owner and Guide in time.
Until then, Fate may know the outcome, but I'll continue to befriend and search for the female I seek. |
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Today In A Vanilla Sense
Yes, unlike most kids growing up, I did like the taste of vanilla than chocolate.
That only matters when it came to sweets--specifically rare desserts and
cakes.
I hope you can figure what I'm talking about because I won't be giving the answers for free. Especially, when I question the end result constantly each day.
Don't we all have our moments when question what exactly is wrong
with ourselves? The answer has never presented itself as
quick and easy as presents under a Christmas tree.
Really, there's nothing truly unique with this spring day.
No difference than any other one--except
I should honor it like a holiday and enjoy the drama it consist of.
Truly, difficult to enjoy when past mistakes are never
forgotten by myself and when a specific need hasn't
been met.
One day older, but not at all the wiser.
What little I may know about this lifestyle
hasn't resulted in meeting and falling in love with a worthwhile
woman.
Everything else is completely secondary to me:
the car, education, good paying job, nice apartment or house.
Ultimately, I'm bright, conflicted, somewhat confused
virgin male.
Lucky me.
Maybe I would fare better if I seek out a sub female
who could help me develop a dominant side? Then again,
the way I view life is from a minority perspective that
wouldn't make sense to explain.
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A sub's 2012 hope or wish
The goal of a sub is to find a reasonable Domme that's understanding. Then again, I could try to find a sub with the hope that she would want to be a Domme, but that can cause too many headaches. Can it be possible for me to spend time with a female sub who has several similar vanilla interests leading to a connection that may lead to friends with benefits? I hope the answer is a yes. |
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a Mommy's love
it's embarrasing to admit that i want to be a little
boy for a Mommy again. the initial cause for this
desire was reading of profiles and journal entires
of people who had their own need for a Mom or
Dad. yes, a potent seed was planted in my mind.
as time passed, i started to think about it more
and more--realizing painful life experiences were my
main reason to relive life at a younger age. coincidentally,
for over 10 years i did say to myself, repeatedly that
"i still have the emotions of a teenager" regarding
certain experiences. only a Mommy's care can guide
me to be a man.
a child never forgets the comfort he or she received
as a little one. it was Mommy who cured his or her
boo boos, sat on the bed whenever there was a
tummyache to deal with, was the first to hear how
school was, showed how to cook small dishes and
seperate the clothes to do the laundry. there's
more small things in life that i could add, but it
would make this too long. in the end, Mommy was
the center of the universe in my eyes.
the time where i didn't know the nature of the world
was really a simple life uncorrupted. until i first heard
the phrase, "life is what you make it," turned to be
very misleading to a naive mind. only to follow it with
the saying, "anything is possible" as a contradiction
negating the control i was said to have. life around
me as a little boy only made sense around Mommy
without the planning of the future due to it lack of
guarantees. the secret to the simple life was Mommy's
affection whenever i was distressed.
teens, twenties, and thirty something may consist of
different responsibilities with a wide variety of entertainment.
it's mostly meaningless when there's an unbareable
loneliness and pain. call me weak if you like, but of all
the relationships i've experienced--the only one that
did leave a lasting impression was from Mommy. She's
the one who i never lost contact or stopped talking to, and
spending time with me. Mommy who could understand,
accept, and encourage me to be my true self. Mommy who
has the patience while i learn to understand that i'm also
to lose my virginity when i become a lover in Mommy's bed.
by SublimeAvatar
AKA
C-Note
written on 12/28/2011 (early this morning) |
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Vulnerability
I know the meaning of this word, but the definition was elusive upon reading it inside an email. Afther hearing you use the word in our first chat I truly felt an emotional meaning to it. This time I was speechless for a few minutes after hearing your brief explanation for saying it. Truly, you did express a genuine concern and care for my emotional safety. Aren't humans sensitive and spiritual beings wanting to express their feelings of love to someone dear to them? It only made the warmth that I did felt on our first chat all the more joyous, memorable and longer lasting--which are good things to share and experience. I only wonder if the initial chat would lead to an opportunity of not only meeting you, but as the time progresses allow me to reciprocate the same love and care for you my dear. Even though I might not talk with God often, He and fate are the only two that know the answer of what that chat will ultimately lead to. For now, patience and hope are all I can rely on, while you and I get to know each other.
Yet, The word vulnerability best describes what any sub--especially one new to the lifestyle tends to focus on the most and to the Dom/mes dismay it isn't the fixation and preocuppation with the words service and loyalty. Only after discussing goals and interests, with the passage of time does a sense of trust and mutual respect develop. Of course this is once a sub has decided to stop keeping their desires a fantasy exclusively only to their individual minds.
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It bothers me that I'd want to have a Mommy again--at least a little. No not as a baby in a diaper, but as her little boy or horny teenage son. The years are so close, and yet it's a complete personality change from a child to a teenager. If I can't find a Mommy, hopefully there's an Auntie or Granny looking for a son to pursue a monogamous relationship. Yet, this still remains a fantasy in mind for now, but I know I want to act it out. |
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