6/11/2022 5:44:52 PM: I'd attempted to edit my profile to find the process meant I was down a bit more than a week.  So I won't be editing anymore despite feeling it's a bit out of date.   I've taken down my pics, which while representative of my curvy body, are more than a decade old.  And no, I've no desire to post more.   Words, an exploratory spirit, essential kindness, inclusiveness, and heart have always attracted me before looks.  And sure, I know the tropism that men are visual creatures, but I'm not searching for a mate or a lover these days.  My profile and presence here is for me.  And even though the site sucks in many ways, I've met some wonderful men here and formed wonderful friendships with them.  I adore men, and am the parent of sons.  But I've no wish to serve, assuage ego, compromise, or really put anyone's needs or desires (including that of submission) before my own these days.   I care deeply, support friends and family both, and nurture as a matter of course.  But darlings, I've created a beautiful if largely solitary life and value time as my most precious resource.  I'm not willing to spend non-work time on more work in a relationship.   But hey if you want to correspond in friendship, curiousity, or to lend an ear, by all means do.  I value thoughtful men.  

1/16/2022 11:29:31 AM: Dipping my toe into the CS journal pool after its four year absence...Brain-->Keyboard-->Kink Site works for me and I've never been entirely sure why.  Is it when my experience resonates?  The occasional thoughtful response?   The good juju/karma/thoughts/prayers sent my way when I'm wading through emotional mud?  Or even more seldom the guy who seems to respond to my words which echo far closer to who I am rather than how I look?   My pics on here are old.  Sure I could still rock a corset, though I've given up borrowing lovers' uniforms.   Though really fucking in kevlar or the weight of a fully laden duty belt on corseted hips is rather delicious if only in memory.   Tsk, tsk, I mustn't go the uniform route.  Plus I'm a decade older than I played with soldiers and cops who tend to be retired by now.  I much prefer contemporaries age-wise, though I'll float a decade back and fore.    I remain haunted by a few past lovers, primarily since Guru, my old standby FWB, moved and is no longer able to knock on my door.   There were elements missing from our interaction and he really loved just to plow away at me hard missionary, by far my favorite position, but I like to switch everything up a bit.   We'd had moments of transcendescence when the energy in the room was mind-blowing and the sex as well.  But then you inevitably try to recapture those one-offs and it's impossible.  Such moments happen organically.  But oh, the simple regular stress relief of fucking regularly and being able to go from whispers to out right begging screaming profanities...well, I miss that.   I'm happy for new digs, completely removed from my old neighbors ten feet on each side waterside cottage.  I miss the water, but not the people and lack of privacy.  I find odd places to live, unusual houses, not because I look for them but perhaps I have a sense of general openness and exploration that leads me off the beaten path.   New for me is my home of a few months, a whitewashed converted poultry barn.  Far from my comfort zone and usual preferences, the rural fringe lost its novelty fast.  Suddently empty nest, new job, new digs, new world...survivable but months of physical and deep emotional struggle.  Feline companions saved me many a time; friends occasionally; and some folks on another kink site often.   But I'm a vintage balance scale myself, shifting the weight to and fro, always trying to get back to some sort of of stability.  And I manage in time.  Truly though these months despite an intense job I've since left for another, introduced a pervasive sense of loss of purpose.  I've never felt that before.  I image many folks experience the same sense as they age, retire, nests empty...I should've expected it, but the natural processes of growth I've always embraced as a matter of course.  This too I did mentally, but my heart was left bereft.   Better now.  I rather adore my goat neighbors, so much that when they ambulate, winter shaggy furred through the closest pasture, I toss on a scarf and pop out to 'Hello goat' them at the fence.  They pause, occasionally meander over to quietly sniff my hand like a dog, but move on when there's no food to be had.   I don't pet or feed them, simply enjoy their presence and tell them they are beautiful nanny goats.   It's the time when winter seeps in, Christmas trees dragged to the road and few lights to brighten these long nights.  My college freshmen will return to school and the detritus of shoes, coats, and a frig over filled will dissipate.   I'll settle back in again; take on new challenges.  And maybe, just maybe I'll find a body warm enough and mind engaging enough to invite in.  Into my charming if unconventional new abode, into my much patched heart, and into a body missing that long slow slide of fulfillment.   -Pen

1/14/2022 8:28:23 PM: Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3....

4/21/2018 7:22:08 PM: I lost a post from earlier essentially detailing my lunch this week, one-on-one, with a cohort and friend. Women are comfortable talking relationships, quibbles, past betrayals, all that without fear of another woman castigating her for her 'baggage' or 'drama.' We determine much of the value of our lives in the quality of our relationships over other externals. Her first boyfriend, a stunner, contacted me on a dating site. We wont' date of course but it brough a great deal of her history out. And the choices she's made. Now she's on the kinky side herself. And we've been pretty open there. But learning now what I do of her, I realize there haven't been that many men in her life. In mine...oh, I can't even hazard a guess. Lovers maybe hundreds. Romances...quite a few of those too. Kinky stuff? A few. Love love...less. Betrayals even fewer but those seem to have been the ones that stuck and created damage. And it shouldn't be with so many other just plain enjoyable moments. My friend and I talked of TBH. Where is it? Well it isn't really anywhere and perhaps it never was. Though I was hoping we were drawing close. But I explained the tally of getting together only really 10 times, though most of those were weekends together. Sure 2 1/2 years of intimate talking makes one feel close. And there is is more trust than with anyone else. But he has moved from 'I'll make time' when I'd be in town or there'd be an opportunity to get together to 'I'll let you know.' Well that pretty much does let me know where this is. And it ain't where I want it. I teased a supersub for dating a girl in North Jersey, way too far to go for a date...he shot back with 'and this from the girl who dates a guy she calls 'Annapolis?' Tbh's other name I give him to my friends. Ha ha ha! He got me. So I'm trying to move on re the TBH stuff. 'I don't know' doesn't make me feel good. It makes me feel like a leftover-if-nothing-better-comes-up girl. And I'm NOT that girl. I had a non-date with the professor I never slept with tonight. Yeah, now that's hard to explain. So brilliant mathematician, with books, and patents and all that intellictual shine...You'll remember him from a few years ago as the vegan prof. And I gave up with his dining limitations and finally said let's go vegan. Surprise he brought a bottle of wine though he doesn't drink. That was nice. I took on the role of confidant, wiser older, though I'm only one of those. He does have his charm. And it ended up being a fun night. We split the check. A hug. A kiss. A little regret on his part about how the lady he's dating now doesn't like spanking or being tied up. And I was home by 9:15 pm. He'd be a nice friend. And I don't even know what his cock looks like...I think I'd rather not. Yep, from me! Tomorrow is a date I'm trying hard not to get too excited about. Brunch. My kind of brunch. Funky, fun. Probably with champagne and walking it off on the boardwalk afterwards. Another educator. I like smart men. But this one I think has a rowdy side. There's something so appealing about those of us who can fit the roles we must and leave them behind when we can. I just like the guy's grin, but I'm a sucker for a smile. And banter. Maybe just maybe. And then I can let TBH go the way I should've long ago. I don't think I'll ever be more than an occasional FWB to him and I don't think he even cares about sex. I would like to care again and maybe even have sex with another person...but I'll take brunch to start. Pen

4/18/2018 8:02:24 PM: My children are breaking. One casted; one on crutches. Poor darlings. The hazards of adventurers who push the envelop and climb too many trees. All fixable thank heavens. One of my children's teachers was so astonished to find a child who still climbs trees, though sorry about the crutches. But heads are on straight and undamaged, so we'll just take it easy and heal. I have worked impossibly hard these past days while worried about my children. Fortunately taking care of them is probably what I do best. I'm less concerned about TBH and more concerned about sleep which I'll get to do in a fresh bed with the silk pillowcases. I dream better with my head on silk. It's supposed to be better for your skin and hair. But I still wake every morning looking like I've stuck my finger in a wall socket. I think I must thrash. I can't imagine I'm all that pleasant to sleep with. Though I have my moments.... I am sorry folks, and I'm way behind on emails. Just wait...it'll soon be a pleasure i can indulge in. Sweet dreams. Pen