Collarspace.com

Horizontal Line
Vertical Line
Horizontal Line

Horizontal Line

Vertical Line

Hello All,
I go by the name of Macey.
I figured out what I truly was about 6 years ago. I realized I was a slave. I went through years trying to perfect who or what I thought I was. Yet time and time again I was abandoned. I would give my all yet it was never enough. I became distraught and angry with the life style. Though now I see that isnt the problem. The problem is me. So find me. Choose me. Use me and abuse me and then abandon me. There is no peace. There is no happy ending for me. Pain is all I know. Pain is all I will ever know.
Forever a slave,
Macey Xo

Horizontal Line

4/7/2018 11:24:56 AM
I lay down on the floor. Naked. Cold. Alone. I wrap the bed sheet around my body. I begin to shake. More so than I have ever done in my life. Or at least it feels that way. I pull my knees into my chest. I try desperately to call out your name. Nothing comes out of my mouth. It wouldn't do any good anyway. You wouldn't hear me. I feel like I am screaming. Screaming at the top of my lungs for you. What more can I do? How else can I show you? Beg for you? Ask for you? I dig my nails into my flesh and drag them hard across my skin. I feel nothing. No pain to my body would be anything like the pain inside my heart and mind. But I would though, I would trade and have every bone in my body broken again and again if it just meant the pain inside of my heart would stop. How much longer Master? How much longer do I need to wait? Screaming, crying, begging for you. How long until you see me. How long until you truly see me Sir. I am here. Waiting... Waiting... I will always be waiting.. Always and Forever. 

4/2/2018 10:51:24 AM
I can literally feel my heart hurt as it beats. Every beat is a sharp stab. Over and over. The ache and loneliness I feel... I never knew could be possible. I have never felt more alone in my life than I do right at this very moment. This world is so dark. So cold. So cruel. I cover my ears, close my eyes and scream as loud as I can in hopes for even a few moments it will help. Let out the anger, the demons, the fear. My attempt to let it all out. I open my eyes and find myself in the exact same position. The exact same pain. Mostly though.. the exact same fear. Please.. leave the light on. 

4/1/2018 10:06:58 AM
It is cold out today.. isn't it? Is it the weather that is cold? Or simply my soul? Music has always been my fix, my cure. Today I find it is unable to help. Unable to create answers. Unable to cleanse my body, soul and mind. I feel cold. Lost in a nightmare perhaps. The hardest part is I am not sure what even happened. I am not sure what lead me here. What got me to this point. What pushed me to be where I am today. I wipe the tears from my eyes and continue to type. Though I am not sure what the point is anymore. I do not feel anything in these words. I do not feel anything in anything anymore. I have been numb, empty, cold many times in my life but this.. this is different. This is unlike anything I knew to exist. Unlike anything I knew I could experience. I keep waiting. Silent and patient. For answers or for some form of understanding. There seems to be just enough to force me to further pine and follow. Yet never an explanation. Never a full understanding. I feel shattered. I feel like the parts that had once been glued together and replaced are now simply shards that are scattered across the floor. I ache. Truly ache. No one should have to feel this way.. or at least.. that is what I thought. 

3/31/2018 12:00:00 PM
I find myself on here to write again.. Second time today.. what is wrong with me? Am i truly needing an outlet this badly?.. I have a tumblr that I am supposed to be using as my outlet but.. it is not the same.. It feels like home here. I suppose I have just been writing here for so long that anything else is going to feel unnatural.. I have tried.. I type something out there.. draft after draft but... nothing flows.. not like it does here. I am sure by now no one wishes to continue to listen to me whine or feel bad for myself. I apologize if my last two writings have seemed that way. I just feel.. so very lost today.. Every part of me is aching from the inside out. How can  he not feel it? How can he not feel the same? How does he not ache and crave me as I do him? Have I failed? Let him down? Ruined everything? Has he become tired of me? Bored with me? Will today be the day he takes his collar from me and sets me free? So many unanswered questions that I feel will remain unanswered until he sees fit to come to me or make me feel better. Some times I wonder what that must feel like. Having this type of power over someone. Choosing to have a bad day and focus on myself while someone who lives and breathes for me sits silently aching, waiting, suffering for me. Would I enjoy that? Does he? Does he get some kind of pleasure knowing he can hurt me and bend me and break me and then ignore me or focus on himself and know that as soon as he snaps his fingers I will be right there on my knees waiting for what ever he wants. I wonder what that type of power feels like. I wonder if this is the normal. I wonder if we had what they call a "honeymoon stage" and now this is to be here forth our experience and time together. I wonder if he will allow me to turn this need and craving off. If he will allow me to stop hurting for a few moments and come up for air. I do not know what has happened to him as of late. He says it is work and such but I see a change in him. A change that truly scares me. I wish for my old Sir back. The one who would smile when he saw me. Beam knowing I was his. I am starting to become more and more sure that I am a failure. Every second that ticks by I do not hear from him my thoughts run wild. Fear, sadness, worry. Does he know this? He must.. then why does he allow me to hurt so? Is this a test? A game? If so I know I am failing. All I ever hoped for and wanted I see vanishing before my eyes. I bite my lip hard as I write this. Tasting the blood in my mouth. Fear bringing out a side to me.. a side I am unsure of. Oh how I wish for the aching to stop. Oh how I wish.. I.. I wish... 

3/31/2018 9:50:20 AM
I was hoping to feel better today. I was hoping to speak with him and feel at peace. Feel like I am back where I belong. To feel that calm loving feeling flow over my body. Yet... I am far from that feeling. I am cold. Numb. I ache. Inside and out. He has taught me to know nothing but him. Feel and live and breathe for nothing but him. I learned.. I listened. I did exactly as he wanted. Exactly as he demanded and asked. I changed and shaped and molded exactly as he needed. Now I kneel here.. Needing him. Aching for him. Craving his very existence and I find he is to tired for me. He has his own feelings and emotions and wants and needs. Currently I do not fit into his picture at all. I understand. His wants and needs and everything come first. But what am I to do? I need him and he is not here. Does he not know how badly that hurts me? How could he know? It is simple for him. Snap his fingers and his pet, his toy, his sub comes running. But what happens when I need him? Truly need him? Yet he can not be there for me.. I bite my tongue? Hold back the tears and try and breathe through it. How foolish of me to try and place my wants or needs anywhere near his. He hates one of my previous Doms. He has done everything to bend and break me in a way I never think of that Dom again. He has done a fine job. But does he take into consideration when he does things like this to me.. he seems just like my past? He puts himself and needs and wants first which I am taught is important. But what about when I need him? Truly crave him and need him yet he shoos me away like it is nothing. Does he not see how badly I hurt and ache? Can he not look past his ways for but a moment and see the pain in my eyes. Oh if only he could truly see this pain in my eyes. But he will not and by the time he does. I fear it will be far to late. I press the cold steel of the blade firmly against my skin, dragging it in long even strokes. I cry and watch as the tears fall from my face and cascade onto my legs mixing with the blood in streaks. What a beautiful mess. What a beautiful disaster you have created Sir. Are you happy now? Are you truly happy with me now? Have I finally done enough? Become enough? Broken enough? Will these be words you see and read? Truly read? Or will they simply be words that bounce off of you? That mean nothing to you? Stuck in your own ways you can't see the pain? The ache? The hurt? The fact that for the first time I am begging.. Truly begging for my Sir.. Because I need him.. Now more than ever.. Are you proud now Master? Are you proud of me now?

3/30/2018 5:09:26 PM
I thought the hardest part of all of this was going to be asking him to be my Dom, my Master. I have only ever been owned a couple of times. How would we start? Where would it all begin? Would I be enough? Would I learn fast enough? Would I mold and bend and break exactly how he wished? How he wanted? What I never planned for though.. Was that him being my Dom would be the easy part. Him controlling, demanding. All of that would be easy. Come easy and naturally to him. Something he had done all of his life. Something he had done with countless partners. Owned, controlled, used, broken, fucked. All of these things familiar to him. All of these things he could do and undoubtedly do well. What I am not sure about? What took me by surprise and has me spinning lost and afraid.. is can he love? Not only can he love me as a lover but can he understand my sickness? My truth. My earth shattering reality that I have to wake up to everyday. The cruel truth that lies behind my tired eyes. Of course he can use a whip, a cane, a flogger. He knows the terms, the ways the rules. He is well taught in the world of BDSM. But what about the other half of me? The truth about me? Will he learn? Will he take the time to research? Will he asks questions and take notes? Will he place the lime green ribbon on his car? Will he show with pride the fact he loves someone who is sick as he shows the pride he owns, manipulates and controls someone... Will he not replace but add onto his knowledge of the bdsm world with knowledge of medical terms. Will he learn the ins and outs of my sickness. Will he hold me in his arms the night before a scan the way he would hold me in his arms after a scene? Will he learn to love and accept this side of me as well? Or will this fade? Will his demands and needs and wants outweigh what I truly need... Will he learn to love me and support me in all of my forms.. Or will I be left and forgotten. Will he take the time to truly understand everything.. Or will it be to much for him? My heart aches as I write this. My fingers tremble and the tears continue to flow nonstop down my cheeks. I love him. That much is true. But will the Monster I have fallen in love with.. learn to be the gentlemen I need as well?... 

3/6/2018 7:54:20 PM
I bite my lip hard. Sitting on my knees for this long has made my feet go numb. I continue to stare at the floor. He lifts my chin up slowly with the tip of the cane so my eyes are straight ahead. Do not move he tells me. His voice smooth like warm honey. I keep my eyes straight forward. My lip caught between my teeth. I dare not even move the muscles to let it go. My wrists restrained tightly in front of me, resting in my lap. I hear him walk away. His steps loud at first, quickly fading until there is nothing but silence. I sit patiently. I dare not move a muscle. Knowing fully well when Master returns he will be sure to notice any displacement of my body. I ache for him. I can feel the wetness slowly dripping down the inside of my thighs. I try to remain perfectly still but the need and ache for him is so much. I shift slightly at the idea of his cock. Just as soon as I do I instantly regret it. A hard lash strikes my back and I inhale deeply at the pain. Again another strike. Do not make a sound, he says. His voice stern and cold this time. I know that he means what he says. I bite my lip harder in fear I will whimper. Hoping and praying the biting will be enough to keep me quiet. Lash after lash he strikes me again and again. Suddenly it stops. Breathe, he says gently. I exhale quickly not realizing how long I have been holding my breath. Grateful to feel the air cascade into my lungs again. I feel his hand softly running over the new lashes on my skin. Good Girl. He tells me over and over. The ecstasy and the joy I feel from those words from his lips are unlike anything I could begin to describe. Never have I felt more in my place then I do now. He sits down in his chair in front of me and calls me. Slowly I make my way to him. He extends his hand to me and I take it softly. Gently kissing each ring on his hand and then softly each knuckle. I whimper at the pure joy I feel. Being able to worship his hands. The hands that just so violently tore at my flesh and caused me pain. These hands I now get to hold so close to my lips. Never did I think I would be so lucky. As he takes his hand back I place mine back in my lap. Sending my gaze back to the floor as it was before our session started. I exhale deeply. I feel the sting of the lashes on my back as I focus on them and it sends a shiver down my spine. I know by these marks that he truly does love me. He truly does own me and that I, will forever be his. 

2/3/2018 9:35:51 PM
You walk into the room. I am sitting, alone, at a table. You walk slowly and gracefully to me. I glance up from my glass of wine. You bow, I smile softly and stand. I curtsy. You extend your hand to me. I gently place my hand in yours. I look at you softly. I realize you are dressed in all black. As am I. My dress cascades over the ground as you guide me to the center of the room. You slowly but firmly gr my waist with one hand. The other extended, gring my hand. It is as if we are standing on a cloud. You take your first steps and begin to move me. My body follows instinctively. You sway me and twirl me. My dress flowing. My shoes smoothly kissing the ground as we flutter across the floor. Left, right, left, right. Everything else dies out. The room is black except for us. I am entranced. You complete me. In this moment there is nothing but you and I. There is nothing but us. We become one. You speed up your pace and my body follows. Craving, bending, turning, spinning in every way your body guides and leads. It is a silent dance that both of our bodies know so well. It is familiar. Like something I have been missing my whole life. I look up at your mask. You look down at mine. A soft smile crosses my lips. We continue to twirl. Everything a beautiful and silent . My skin begins to tingle. My existence becomes solely for you. For this moment. You and I. This... is everything. Your pace begins to slow. The base of my dress begins to rest and settle against my skin again. You stop our floating. You kiss my hand softly and bow. I curtsy again. You slowly walk away into the black of the night. One thing is for certain, I will never be the same.

12/14/2017 2:56:54 PM
You walk in through the door after a long day at work. I'm not waiting at the door as usual. You start to wonder where I could be. You take your shoes off and start walking through the house slowly. First the living room and then the kitchen. You walk upstairs and push open the door to the bedroom. I'm sitting on the bed with a suitcase next to me. You ask me where I am going. I look up at you with tears in my eyes and explain I can't do this anymore. That I thought we would be ok and we aren't. That I'm scared and overwhelmed and I don't want you to take on the burden of being with someone like me anymore. You walk slowly over to me and sit on the bed next to me. You tell me it's ok. You tell me we are ok. That you love me and that we can get through anything together. I tell you I'm sorry again and stand up to leave. You grab my wrist as I begin to walk away. I turn to you with tears streaming down my face. Please love.. Please don't make this harder for me than it already is. Say it again.. You tell me. I bite my lip hard and turn away from you. If you mean it.. You'll say it again you tell me. I... I don't know what to do anymore. I whisper quietly. In one swift motion you push me up against the wall with my arms pinned above my head by your hands. My breath catches in my throat as I struggle to find words. Before I know it your other hand is around my throat. Your lips meet mine in a forceful loving way. Your tongue finds its way into my mouth and before I know it the both of our tongues are dancing. I keep my hands above my head but thrust my body away from the wall slightly trying to find your body. You pick me up quickly and carry me to the bed. Gently tossing me on and crawling on top of me. You pin my hands above my head again and in a firm tone tell me to keep them there. I whimper and nod. Your hands quickly move to my shirt unbuttoning it. You pull my blouse open and your lips meet my skin. Kissing and biting my neck and chest and stomach. You lick your initials onto my stomach and my whole body starts to shake. Tell me you want to leave.. You say again. Hovering a mere inch from my face. I... I love you. I whisper as I wrap my arms around your neck and pull your lips to mine. Kissing you with an intense passion that's burning somewhere deep inside of me. We roll over on the bed to where I am sitting on top of you. I quickly pull your shirt off and start kissing your chest. Then your neck and finally back to your lips. I love you.. I whisper again as I bite your earlobe softly. I get off of you long enough to remove my skirt and your slacks. I mount you again rubbing my hands up and down your chest. Feeling every inch of you with my hands. I want you.. so badly.. I whisper again. I feel you growing underneath me and the pressure makes me start to salivate. I need you.. I need this.. I need Us.. I say to you as tears stream down my face again. You pull me into your arms and wrap me tightly against your chest. I curl in close apologizing. Telling you I'm scared and lost and overwhelmed. You caress my cheek and tell me you love me and that everything will be ok. I inhale your scent. You pull me in closer and tell me to relax. To rest. I close my eyes and before I know it I have drifted to sleep.

12/7/2017 9:08:21 AM
My heart aches. My body trembles. I stare down at the floor and remain silent. You've taken it all from me. Everything you could ever want. Everything you could ever need. You took everything I believed in and destroyed it. Leaving me nothing but a trembling mess on the floor. You crushed my existence. You have broken my mind, body and soul. At this point.. What more can be done?

12/5/2017 9:16:20 AM
I desperately want to write.. Or should I say I desperately need to.. This flame and passion and pain burning inside of my heart and body.. I want it gone.. I want it out.. I want it as far away from me as possible. I place my fingers to the keys and type and type and despise everything I place on the page. I delete and start over again and again hoping the next thing to come out will be better and help this ache inside of me. Nothing seems to help the ache. I find comfort and relief a short amount of time in a day only to realize what I think is helping is simply a distraction. In the end sure to be leaving more pain than it was worth. So again I am here.. Writing, typing, hoping and praying. I just want an answer. I need an answer. Something to lessen the hurt even if only for a moment. Something to let me know all of this was worth it. I don't know what the point of this lesson was. But this was one I truly didn't need. Not now. Not with everything else. I just can't do any of this anymore.

11/25/2017 8:34:49 AM
I sit down on the floor holding the blade. Staring at it and remembering all it is and all it makes me feel. I press my thumb firmly into the edge of it until I see blood and then I let up. I watch the blood run down my thumb. This is pain? I think to myself. All of my life I have learned pain was this or that. That pain can come from a cut or two on my body or maybe that pain is a hard slap across my face when my Dom gets upset with me. Maybe pain is sex that is to rough or pain is the ropes a little to tight. But that.. That's not even close to pain. Recently I have come to find what true pain is. And although my body has taken large amounts of damage as of late. I find the most painful thing, well, it isn't on the outside of my body at all. It's not so much something someone can do to me. It's more so the fact I allowed it to happen. I should have been smarter. I should have known when to stop. I should have known I am nothing but a mistake and all I will ever do is make mistakes. But I didn't and now.. now I feel pain like I never imagined was possible. But this time.. it's only in my heart.

11/23/2017 6:40:13 PM
I Thank You for all the lives you've led
I Thank You for every word you said
I Thank You for walking away

I Thank You

I Thank You for promises you broke
For always watching, watching while I choke
I Thank You for teaching me

Yes, I Thank You.. For your hurting

I bite down a little harder
My blades a little sharper
My roots, my roots run deep into the hollow

Strike back a little harder
I scream a little louder
My roots, my roots run deep into the hollow

I'm stronger than I ever knew
I'm strong because of you

I hit back a little louder
Fuck you a little harder
My roots, my roots run deep into the hollow

Roots by In this Moment

11/20/2017 4:18:26 PM
A hard, sharp sting to my face and I fall over backwards. I know he is yelling but I just can't hear it. It's as if my life has been muted. I calmly try and stand back up before he is on top of me. His face but centimeters from mine. I scramble in my head for the right thing to say but instead I keep myself silent. What is there to say? What is there to do? I keep my eyes closed. I know I am a mistake. I know I fail and ruin so much for everyone. Nothing anyone can say will calm that storm or fix what is wrong. I am silly for thinking I could or would be different. Silly for trying I suppose. Numb doesn't begin to describe how empty I feel.  Yet I hope and keep trying. Because what does someone like me have to lose?

11/16/2017 4:04:58 PM
I get into the car and shut the door. I turn over the key and can hear soft music playing in the back ground. I take my lighter out of my pocket flicking it open and shut. Staring at the flame and then as quickly as it lights it disappears. I take a deep breath in and then let it out. Some days are so overwhelming. Some days all I want is to feel alive when I feel so dead inside. I run my fingers softly through the flame. It burns but not to a point I can't stand it. I smile and close the lighter again. Pain... What an ugly yet beautiful word. Who knew it could be so amazing and wonderful yet so dark and overwhelming. Almost like once you get a taste for it it swallows your soul. Devouring who you are. Who knew something most are taught to be afraid of could become.. would become such an addiction for me. I crave it.. I think to myself. I crave it in every way I can find it. Because I'm not truly living if I can't feel pain.

11/13/2017 4:00:12 PM
I slam the door hard and lock it. Sliding to the floor with my back to the door. Trying to catch my breath and gather my thoughts. I can feel him banging his fists hard against the door on the other side. I wipe the tears from my face and inhale hard when I feel the lump starting to form. Please.. Please stop. I whisper to myself as I hear the pounding continue. So hard I fear the door may come down at any point. I slowly get up dazed and dizzy and walk over to the bath tub and crawl inside of it. Sitting with my knees pulled tight into my chest. I take a deep breath in and let it out slowly. It's all going to be ok. I continue to tell myself over and over again. The tears start to fall a lot more quickly as I realize how angry he is. His cold words and firm hands. I start to panic slightly as I hear the pounding stop. I continue to tell myself that has to be a good thing. Maybe he has calmed down some. Although I can't help the growing fear deep inside of my stomach. I always mess everything up. I think to myself. He is never happy. I can never do right. I can never make him happy. I start to feel sick to my stomach. I feel like such a failure. All I want is to not feel like such a failure.

11/6/2017 1:25:06 PM
I step outside into the snow. I take a deep breath in. The snow is coming down more and more. I pull my hoodie up over my head. I reach my hands out and watch the snow hit my palms and melt almost instantly. It's beautiful.. the snow.. and how intriguing it is. How something so beautiful and unique can be gone so quickly. I slowly start walking and touch the trees. I watch the snow fall off of the branches. Everything feels so.. different now. I smile softly as I sit down on the swingset. How calming and beautiful the world is. Even though nothing in my life makes sense anymore. At least the world is still the world. I close my eyes and let the snow flakes land softly on my face. I just want to feel alive. 

10/27/2017 8:12:58 AM
I close my eyes and reach for my cheek. He's angry and I can see it in his eyes. I lower my head to look towards the floor. I hear him sigh and take a step back. I immediately know what comes next. The name calling, the frustration, the anger but worst of all the disappointment. Why can't he see it? Why can't he understand and see how hard I am trying. I sit on the floor and continue to listen. Biting my lip so hard I can taste the blood. So many words and things swirl in my head. Right and wrong. Up and down. Good and bad. I finally hear him give up and walk out the door. I stand up slowly and take myself to the bathroom. I avoid eye contact with the mirror. Ashamed of what I am. So many people told me being this submissive is a blessing and a gift. I am starting to feel it is nothing more than a curse. A painful curse. I start the shower until it is freezing cold and then I step into it. Sitting on the floor of the shower I wrap my arms around my knees. And for the hundredth time I cry. But maybe just maybe this time it will lead to answers.

10/10/2017 3:15:11 PM
I feel sick.. I thought I knew what I wanted.. Who I am.. What I was looking for.. But.. I don't.. I don't know anything. I clinch my fists so tight that I can feel my nails dig into my palms as blood drips down. I don't think I can do any of this anymore.. I don't think I can handle any of this anymore. I am so tired. It's not just the simple tired either. It's so far inside of me. I think it's my soul that is tired. I slide down to sitting on the ground. I just want to make people happy. Why do I hurt so bad inside? I think I fell to deep and now I am lost, scared and confused. I just want to sleep.. I want to sleep all of this pain and confusion away. Just for one night.

10/3/2017 1:37:30 PM
I stare out the window for a short amount of time. It's dark... the kind of dark that makes you rethink everything. I'm not one to complain because I know the world is dark but tonight.. tonight is different. I shudder and slowly walk away from the window and sit in the chair that rests alone in the room. Its pitch black in the room as well. I can feel a sort of chill up my spine. I don't know what it means but somehow deep down in my stomach I know. I know what comes next. I pull my sweater up around my neck and curl into it as if it's the last time I will feel warmth. I let out a deep sigh. I was silly. Silly for thinking I actually had answers. Silly to think I knew what I did or didn't want. You can't fix.. well.. this... I whisper to myself as I close my eyes and hope for sleep to take over.

9/12/2017 2:08:33 PM
I slide the shower door open. I reach my hand in gently and feel the droplets of water splashing against my palm. I slide my robe softly off of my body and let it hit the floor. I then light the candles in the bathroom one by one until the glow is just bright enough and just dark enough that it creates a heavenly yet seductive balance. I walk back over to the shower and dump salts in that quickly make the room fill with the scent of regret and envy. I inhale deeply as I step into the shower. I step directly under the flow of the shower head allowing the water to cascade over my entire being. I inhale deeply and shakily exhale and continue to do so many more times. I want a new chance. A new life. A new beginning.. I gently rub my hands over my scars on my chest, stomach, arms and legs. I let the tears quietly slip down my cheeks as I breath in every emotion and thought I can muster. My legs finally weaken and I kneel onto the shower floor. Dripping wet and appreciating this feeling. This cleanse. Something I think my mind, body and soul have been needing for a very long time now..

6/7/2017 3:08:57 PM
I'm numb. Inside and out. It seems to be fairly typical for me anymore. I run my fingers along my stomach and touch the new scar. It's a change.. I whisper to myself. My life seems to be quickly spiraling away from me and all I can do is stand here and watch. Who would have known? Who really could have guessed any of this would be happening? I slide to the floor and pull my knees up to my chest. I want to scream for days but I know nothing will pass my lips. I close my eyes tightly. I inhale and exhale. I have to keep positive. I have to keep myself together. Because honestly if I can't hold myself together.. no one else will..

6/21/2016 1:02:22 PM
I slowly press my hand up against the mirror. I wince as my eyes meet myself in the mirror. Who am I?
I mouth the words over and over again staring at myself. I slowly drop my body to the floor and curl into a ball.
How much longer will I feel this way? How much longer will I feel alone, ashamed, sad. What can I do in this world to help it.. Run away? Hide? Continue to stand up and fight so I can be knocked down to the ground again?
I fight so hard to keep my head above water. To keep people happy and in a good place in their lives.
I am starting to worry though. Maybe by trying to help and do and fix for others all I have simply done is given them a break from reality and lost who I am entirely..

4/7/2016 2:08:04 PM
Everything around me is so dark. So black that when I close my eyes things seem more lit up. I am only human. I am not sure what it is I am feeling anymore. I am not sure which direction I am going in anymore. I just.. I don't know anything anymore. I guess I just want to be forgotten for a while.

4/5/2016 9:37:37 AM
It has been a while since I have done this. So I apologize in advance if my thoughts are rusty. As far back as I can really remember I had ever only truly feared one Man. A Man that I had met in my younger years and very much cared for. I was never sure what it was I liked so much. His heart? His mind? His looks? He was hard on me. Many would say abusive yet to me I always felt like it was something I deserved. That being miserable and hurt was all I was ever going to be good for. That since that was what made him happy then clearly that was simply my purpose.
I searched many years looking for others that made me feel that way. Someone who could take control yet in a way I didn't feel I was useless. I never thought I would find a Man who understood who and what I am.
I recently find myself having met a Man but am not sure what his intentions are. I think I have brought out much Dominance but am afraid maybe I have done to much. Maybe he is to harsh. He seems quick to upset and does not back down. If I am not quick with my answers to his questions when he is angry then he only gets more upset. He sees into me and knows my biggest fears with out the words even slipping from my mouth. He can put me in subspace with a few simple sentences.
What I don't understand and what I am afraid of is how will he know when to far is to far? There is such a thing as to far is there not?

2/4/2016 7:14:37 PM
I inhale softly and then open my eyes. Nothing to see around me but darkness. I am quick to attempt to open my mouth and scream when I quickly realize the ball gag tightened around the back of my head. I shake my head violently back and forth attempting to slip the mask down even slightly to be able to see my surroundings. I hear foot steps and then what sounds like a door locking behind what I can only assume is a man. I pull hard against the rope that has my hands tied in place. Squirming I shake and flail violently to attempt to break what ever grasp the ropes have on me. Struggling wont help.. I hear a voice mention. My breathing picks up as I tug harder against the ropes. A sharp pain across the side of my face makes me realize that not matter how hard I wish I am not the one in control of this situation. I bit down on the gag hoping to muffle the sobs and at this point am grateful the blindfold will catch my tears. I feel a sharp tip slide up the inside of my thigh before another sharp slap lands quickly against my cheek. I close my eyes tight, it's only a dream. I keep telling myself over and over. It it only a dream I repeat until the words seem to slip through my mind and land on my lips. Trust me darling.. This is far from a dream. Then with one more hard slap against my face. I fade into sleep.

11/20/2015 11:14:49 PM
I sit on the floor shaking while tears run quickly down my cheeks. I inhale slowly and exhale in hopes it does something. Praying maybe it sends enough oxygen to my mind for me to understand what I am doing so wrong. My body and mind completely numb yet everything running so quickly together I can barely form sentences as I type. How is this even possible? How is it even possible someone can be this mean, this angry, this cold. How is it possible someone can use you and hurt you and then look you in the eye while yelling at you and telling you that it is all of your fault. That somehow you managed to ruin their life?.. How could you take someone so innocent, who knew so little about love or this life or this world and bring them into your arms.. Only to tear them apart inside and out and leave them naked crying on the floor. I don't understand. How can someone love with everything they have and want to give with every ounce of their mind, body and soul only to be scooped up, devoured, and then shit back out no better than anyone or anything else. What causes people to be this cruel, this cold? All I want is peace of mind if only for a moment but I fear understanding a situation like this is simply impossible. As my eyes tire now from the tears I give myself hope. Hope that someday I will learn. Hope that there are still people out there who love and care and understand like I do. Hope that maybe, just maybe, there is someone like me.

11/18/2015 12:17:32 PM
I sit outside as I watch the snow slowly fall to the ground. I smile weakly as I look at each piece as it falls into my hands. I remember when I was younger and a friend first taught me how to make snow flakes out of paper coffee liners. I thought it was silly and was so worried mine was going to look awful and at that time he told me this.. "Do not worry, no matter how it looks it will be beautiful... No two snowflakes are the same".. I took that to heart and never seemed to forget it. In my mind this is how I see people. I have to remind myself everyone is different and everyone thinks differently. There are so many subs, yet each one is something different. Just as no two snow flakes are the same, it seems that no two people are the same either. Well, Hello Winter, my old friend. I have missed you.

11/2/2015 11:32:29 AM
I sat outside and watched the sun rise this morning. I must admit my brain was pushed to the limit last night with ideas and conversations I never really dreamed of. I realized last night that there are so very many people in this world. So many people and everyone has experienced something completely different from the other. No two people have lived the same life. Each persons journey is something unique for them. We can attempt to relate in ways such as when someone passes away or having a favorite color and or what we like to eat maybe. Is that not just a decision that we as humans choose to make? Does that not just make it harder to find a Dom or a partner in general? What if we were not allowed to have likes or more so, were simply taught not to? Would you still care? Would Clyde have still loved Bonnie? I guess some times I wonder as humans how many barriers we put in front of our heart, in our own choosing, for such silly little things such as choosing to be a vegetarian. Of course that is one of many examples but I think what I am wondering is.. Why let something so simple ever stand in the way of love, when it seems to me, love is hard enough to find anyway.

10/30/2015 2:31:00 PM
I stare out into the darkness. The cold air practically cuts my cheek as it blows past my face. I close my eyes. Count to ten and it will all be ok, I tell myself. I swallow hard as I start counting. The pain starts in the pit of my stomach and slowly works its way through my body. Spreading through my veins like a poison in my blood. I open my eyes to nothing but the darkness. Again a cold chill passes over me but this time it is practically through my heart and soul instead of outside of my body. I take another step closer to the edge and again tell myself to keep counting. Five... Six... Seven...By now the thoughts are overflowing and I find myself losing count. So many thoughts flood my mind. Why? What happened? Where did it all go wrong? I take one more step forward preparing myself for what is to come. It is time, it is right. Suddenly a hand reaches out and quickly takes my shoulder and I am pulled into a chest. He is silent but firm and I know he is angry but understands my hurt. I exhale as a tear runs down my cheek. Words flooding my mind but nothing but a simple sigh of relief parts my lips before once again everything goes black. 

10/29/2015 12:54:24 PM
I had the dream again last night, the same one I had a while back.. I don't know what it means or why it is happening. I do not know who I am supposed to talk to or what I am supposed to say even to make myself feel better. I lash out against my skin to teach my mind and my heart to think differently. I tell myself that I should be happy and stop with these silly thoughts and cravings of being submissive or what ever it is I am feeling. Why though? Is it true that people can change? Or are we simply born this way? Is it something we tell ourselves to seem like we know who we are? Do we do this to be an outcast? If this is a choice then why can it not be as simple as functioning well in the Vanilla world? Why is it I can not have a conversation with someone in the real world with out shaking and choking on my own words?.. I know I am doing my best to be happy and make those around me happy.. I just.. I feel like I am failing so very often. Are there actually Happy-Ever-Afters? Does the perfect Dom finally ever find his perfect sub? Or is it all just lies and stories? How am I supposed to feel when I fall asleep and I see your face, only to wake up and know you aren't real? I wish so badly now I could cry until I fall asleep. Until all of the confusion and pain and sorrow drip from my eyes onto this keyboard and cleanse my soul of thoughts and feelings I can not understand. Another day I put on my smile. Another day I promise myself all will end well. I hope maybe today I am right. I hope maybe today, is different.

10/28/2015 4:14:53 PM
It is like a Carousel... My head, it spins and spins and I am unable to get off of this ride. People always say things are simple when they are not the one in the situation. Acting as if with one simple action or a few simple words everything can change. I would have to disagree.. If every time you walked through a door someone slapped you in the face, would you not eventually always flinch, or prepare yourself in the very least? I believe it is all one in the same. Every lesson and teaching. I find myself looking for something impossible. I find myself hoping for something or even someone who does not exist. Once something is broken can it every really be put back together? Can it ever actually be as good as it once was or have the hope it could be something better? I shake as I write this. Imagining a world that is different. Imagining, life being different. I talk to many who never seem to understand. I do not think anyone can be blamed for that though. Who I am and what I have been through is simply a one person journey. Are we nothing more then a total sum of our actions? Or the things done to us in all of this time? All I think I want anymore is to know that when there is a touch, it is a simple touch of understanding.. Possibly even a touch of caring. I pour my feelings onto this white screen in hopes it helps. Tell me though, does anything ever really help? Or is it all just another way to hide ourselves and deal yet again with the day to day.. of everyday. 

10/27/2015 3:07:16 PM
I lick my bottom lip slowly and run my finger over the lump. The taste of blood still lingers in my mouth. I close my eyes softly and try to calm my breathing. I don't understand. I am told so many different things anymore. How am I supposed to know up from down or even right from wrong? Just because one Man sees a color as purple, yet another may see the color as blue.. Who is right? How is anyone to ever really understand anything.. As I type this I find myself almost spinning from the confusion. All I have ever wanted was to be the best I can be. To do the best I can do. I am starting to become afraid that things are no longer as they seem. In most if not all situations.

10/12/2015 1:27:36 PM
I see you in the distance. Your suit fitting your figure well. I smile and then slowly pull the mask back over my eyes. I stare in amazement at the beautiful room as I slowly walk around. I have always wanted to go to a Masquerade ball but never in a million years would I have pictured it like this. The colors and smells and sounds. It is all so intoxicating. I pick up a small glass of champagne off of a tray and continue making my way through the room. So many people laughing and smiling and enjoying themselves. No one really knowing who anyone is. I start to get a little nervous and feel grateful my mask covers the blush that has now come to my cheeks. I think to myself how silly I was to come alone. Yet, how at home I felt when I saw you, talking or dancing with a young lady on the floor. Who are you? Why do you make me feel so, comfortable yet nervous? I shake my head gently from side to side. Silly girl, you have no idea even in the slightest who that Man is.

10/5/2015 1:13:56 PM
If I touch a burning candle, I can feel no pain.
If you cut me with a knife, it's still the same.
And I know her heart is beating.
And I know that I am dead.
Yet the pain here that I feel, try and tell me it's not real.
And it seems that I still have a tear to shed..

If I touch a burning candle, I can feel no pain.
In the ice or in the sun, it's all the same.
Yet I feel my heart is aching.
Though it doesn't beat, it's breaking.
And the pain here that I feel, try and tell me it's not real.
I know that I am dead.
Yet it seems that I still have some tears, to shed..

Can a heart still break, once it's stopped beating?

10/5/2015 9:41:03 AM
I sit quietly, naked and cold. Kneeling by the side of the front door. I hear the tires on the gravel and then pull up into the drive way. With out realizing it I begin to pant with anticipation. Master is home! I tell myself as the excitement courses through my body. Sir walks through the door. A small smile spreads across His lips. Pet.. He says warmly. I kiss His feet as He enters. Come with me, Sir demands. I quickly crawl by His side. My body shudders with anticipation. Today is the day, He says with a smile. He sets down a small bag and pats His lap. I gently rest my head on His lap, careful to not make eye contact. Sir slowly reaches into the bag and out comes a ball gag. My mouth moistens quickly as I salivate in anticipation. Sir chuckles slightly. You were looking forward to a new one of these yes? I nod quickly. I open my mouth waiting for Him to do as He pleases. Tsk Tsk Tsk, Sir sets the gag on the floor next to Him. You will receive it when I feel the time is right. I lower my head in an apology. Sir takes my chin in His hand and forces me to look up at Him. Now this, He says. This is for you now. The next thing He pulls out of the bag is a breathtaking collar. My eyes water as I see the padlock to hold it in place. He slowly places it around my neck. I want you, as my slave, forever. He whispers as His hand wraps around my throat tightly. I smile as the excitement and happiness washes over my entire being. I am finally His. I think to myself. I close my eyes. When I open them. I wake up, covered in sweat. I look around the room quickly and it is dark. No, no no no. I tell myself. I quickly reach to my throat and find it bare. It.. It was just a dream. I start to shake and pull the pillow in close to my chest. I thought.. I thought this time. Silence, sad and fear flood my mind. There is nothing to say, nothing to think. In all honesty, there is nothing.

9/21/2015 11:10:32 AM
His hand reaches out softly for my cheek. I close my eyes and quickly flinch. I apologize profusely as I admit I have made a mistake in coming. I turn to leave as his hand reaches out and presses the small crack in the door closed. Leave? Now? The gleam in his eye makes my stomach sink. Again and again I apologize for coming. That I thought things could be different now. That maybe enough time had passed and that all would be well in the end. He seems to think things are going rather well and that by the end of the night we could find 'closure' in everything. His hand reaches out again to meet with my cheek and again I take another step back. I thought you were obedient? The words make me choke in my throat. Unable to speak what it is I need to. Unable to get my point across if I deserve to have a point at all. Come here..He asks me again with a look in his eye that I now know truly doesn't mean anything. That there is not a glimmer of care. What I thought was.. Was not at all.


9/17/2015 11:33:34 PM
I look down at the blade. It sits softly on the edge of the table. The light catches it just right and the edge gleams like a diamond in the sun. I close my eyes and hold my breath as I softly run my finger tips up my forearm. I can feel the raised scars and I exhale slowly.. Remembering every time, every mark, every Man made flaw. 

9/16/2015 9:13:48 PM
The ground is cold against my cheek as I place my face against the wood floor and lay down. I close my eyes, inhale deeply and then open them again. I wrap my arms around myself grasping my skin and digging my nails into my flesh to the point I can feel blood pool up under my nails. I hold myself for what seems to be days. I stare at the lines in the floor until they all seem to blur together. Some times the silence is deafening. I can feel the anxiety building up inside of me. I can feel the change in my breathing and the empty hole in the pit of my stomach growing. I can not believe how even with my efforts of holding myself still I continue to shake. While I lay here thinking only three words come to my mind. I Am Sorry.

9/15/2015 10:19:58 AM
I sat outside last night.. The minutes seemed to pass by as if they were hours. I laid in the grass staring up at the sky. What have I done? All of my life I thought I knew who I was. Or for that matter even what I was. I thought the experiences in my life were smart and correct. I thought I had made all decisions to the best of my ability. I place my hands in the wet grass and attempt to ground myself. What if everything I have done was wrong? What if the decisions I have made were wrong? I close my eyes and I tell myself I want to be better. That I want to learn. The sadness seems to overwhelm me. The good news? There are good people out there.. Good Dominants and subs who understand life and want to share their experiences. I squeeze my eyes tighter as if to think that will make the pain and the past disappear. I sigh and open my eyes again. I look around quickly. I am still in the grass, I am still looking at stars in the dark night sky, I am still submissive. Nothing has changed I whisper to myself. Then for the first time in a long time a single tear slides down my cheek and every thing inside and out goes numb. I wonder when and if anything will come back and I wonder if in all honesty.. it should or not. 

9/11/2015 3:34:15 PM
At first I thought it was going to be ok.. That it would simply be a one time thing. I understand people get angry and terms come out and words are used that they don't mean to say.. I didn't know it would melt into my flesh and skin and eventually sink so far into my heart I could not touch it..
"That Girl"..
is so rude..
is so loud..
is so ugly..
is so mean..
is a liar..
is cruel..
is an awful person..
deserves nothing..
is someone I hate..
is someone I will destroy..

I know in the end I upset and let down a lot of people in my life.. For that I truly am so very sorry. I wish I could go back and change and fix things and help people better understand who or what I am. I am sorry I could not be better or be more.. I am sorry that all I ended up being was "That Girl" to so many.. I thought at least someone would remember my name in the end. I am sorry.

9/8/2015 6:46:43 PM
It is cold.. Not the temperature to my flesh.. I do not believe it has anything to do with the ice cold rain dripping down my skin tonight as I sat outside an hour before coming in. I am cold inside.. I am cold around the edges of where I can feel my heart beating. Every inhale I take is another painful gasp.. Where.. What.. Why.. The only three questions that keep circling around and around in my head. Why was I born this way.. Why did the events in my life lead me to who I am now? Why can the world not understand and accept me for the submissive shy individual I am? Is it my fault? Did I do this and wish this upon myself? I exhale quickly, hoping for but a moment the ice and the coldness will stop. It does not. I shiver at the thought of falling asleep another night with out a collar around my neck. Now as I type this I close my eyes and imagine a world.. I imagine a world where I am free to be owned.. What a coincidence that is hmm? The want and need and passion of wanting to be owned so badly. Society tells me I am sick.. That I need help.. My counselors put me on medicine after medicine forcing me to take part in the actual vanilla world. A few weeks pass and I crave the idea of pain... I push it out of my mind as quickly as I can only so it can build up and return. Day by day, moment by moment. The coldness.. The fear of losing me. I rush to a room and lock the door. Grasping the belt in my hand. Again and again I lash at my back until my skin can take no more. I drop to my knees, not fully understanding who I am or what I have done. I slowly rise. Look in the mirror and ask myself again.. Who am I?

Vertical Line

Horizontal Line
Horizontal Line
LadyVictoria72
 
 Age: 48
  California