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Any contact from Dom/me’s MUST go through my Owner Shujin here on Collar Me. All messages sent to me directly will be forwarded to Shujin and not answered by me.
Updated picture to finally show off the beautiful collar given to this slave last Christmas.
NEW Pictures!!!
The new pictures that are in slaves profile are of what slaves Owner refers to as an Evil chair,, slave will leave it to O/ones imagination on how to use said chair but He makes them for sale, A/anyone interested please let this girl know and she will be happy to pass on the information to Shujin.
************************
my limits are given to me by Shujin,
He is the Owner therefor He sets the tone of O/our relationship, not this slave, as it should be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i don’t know what more to say here except that i have met my Sir, am in service to Him, and Him alone. This is to say that any unasked for communications from other Dominant’s are not called for, nor asked for.
i am very content in Sir’s service. Please take this into account and respect my Shujin by not contacting me with unwanted or asked for advances.
Thank You
pattay
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i am with Sir and His family,
my life is GOOD,
moving towards excellence,
as soon as i learn what i need to keep Sir happy,
then it will rock out!!
i am a very fortunate girl to have been found by someone so loving, caring, and free with His feelings, open with His heart, and welcoming me into His family,
as a part of it.
i am a happy slave girl
:)
16 months in my service to Shujin, living within His family becoming a part of this family has been one of the most wonderful things to happen to this girl in her 47 years.
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this slave is going to be closing this profile and she has started znother just so she may keep her journal going to Her Shujin through here, it's easy what can a slave say,
her new nic is
Shujinspet |
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Last week slave recieved a package that was ordered from a toy store online,
and yesterday Shujin decided to use His new toys that she bought for Him,
slave bought a few remote control eggs,
one for Shujins wife and the other for herself,
cant leave anyone out of course,
*smiles*
Shujin is most assuredly a sadist through and through,
slave was instructed to place the egg into her panties and against her clit,
and was basicly tormented until last night,
off and on pretty much until Shujin went to bed,
after Shujin went downstairs to bed,
or so slave thought,
she was preparing for the morning as she does on all other nights before she goes to bed,
Shujin returned upstairs after about twenty minutes,
He asked slave if she would like some release,
*huge grins*
YES!!!
was all this slave could get out,
then she backed it up with Yes Sir,,
lol,,,
eager for her release she took off downstairs to her quarters,
getting ready as she was going..
Shujin came to her and had her lie back
He took care of the burning desire inside this slave to release herself for Him,
this slave was extremely satisfied with the new toy she bought for her Owner,
as was He she believes because He had a great deal of fun tormenting the two of us,
and she was extremely tired after her release,
slave rested quite well indeed last night after Shujin tucked her into bed,
He held her face and she looked up into His as He smiled and told this slave that
He loved His pet.
this pet loves and adores her Shujin! |
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NEW Pictures!!!
The new pictures that are in slaves profile are of what slaves Owner refers to as an Evil chair,, slave will leave it to O/ones imagination on how to use said chair but He makes them for sale, A/anyone interested please let this girl know and she will be happy to pass on the information to Shujin. |
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in direct response to slaves last entry, there are others out there, well at least one that has the same issue as this slave with her facial expressions, it seems to me that it happens when this one is just sitting watching the tube, or concentrating on something, who knows what is going on in this slaves head at the time that others may be thinking that she is unhappy or aggravated, but at least she did hear that she is NOT alone with this issue,
this girl will be working on her facial expressions to make it better cuz she don’t like to cause others conflict, she dislikes conflict immensely |
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It’s late because the slave spent the afternoon with Shujin and the family fixing a friends faucet ,, aggravating job that it was but it hadda be done,
This slave wonders if she is the only slave that is told that her facial expressions are less than pleasing when she looks at people?
This slave doesn’t even realize that she is doing it but she is told that her face looks like she is mad or pissed off at all times and she doesn’t even have to be looking at the person for it to get her into hot water, she started crying because she was told that it would get her sent away because they were not going to put up with it, but she didn’t know what it was that she had done. If she tries to explain she is told that she wasn’t asked for and explanation, but then when slave was at home she was told that she should just say that her Owner misunderstood and that she didn’t intend to look at anyone that way or that she wasn’t in fact looking at anyone in particular, she gets confused which is she to do,
she will do her best to keep her facial expressions so they are pleasing to A/all because she really doesn’t want to be sent away for that, she loves her family so much and loves Shujin and wants to remain His slave!
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how to start this entry?
ahh nevermind,,,, |
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well it wasnt what i said, it was the expelling of air after i said it i guess like a sigh? not sure cuz i dont remember now what i did, sometimes its so hard to keep those types of things from happening but i guess it goes in line with getting my inner slave arse in line and keeping those expressive things in check, i wish i had a magic wand or fairy god slave that could make this happen over night it would save me alot of agonizing over every thing i say and do because i would have it all right if i had that kind of luck, but i dont so every day is going to be a new challenge i guess it wouldnt be worth it if it were easy to have, anything worth having takes work on everyones part but mostly the slaves part cuz my Owner is ALWAYS right *smiles*
esclava ama a su Shujin
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There are times where this slave thinks that she should be a mute, and not participate in certain conversations, tonight there was some talk going on, and slave made the mistake of saying to her Owner that He liked using a word, it is a word that i dont use, never have, there was no disrespect meant to Shujin, it was just a statement that He uses this word, Shujin at that point decided that He was not going to finish watching the television program that W/we A/all were watching together and went to bed, slave tried in vain to appologize to her Owner, but the mistake had been made the words can not be taken back and put back into her mouth and for that she is kicking her own rear end this evening, this slave felt very happy to have been asked to sit next to Shujin while watching the television and knew as soon as the words were out that it was the wrong thing to have said because Shujin got upset,
times like this slave wishes that He would just slap her instead of leaving her wondering if it was in fact what she had said or if it was just that He was tired, it is so hard sometimes to just sit and not say anything, but when she does she says something He gets upset at her, slave is beside herself wondering, how she is supposed to act, is she to sit and be quiet, say nothing to keep out of trouble?
slave thinks that maybe if Shujin wants her to have a rule that she is to ask permission to speak, maybe she would be more inclined to think longer about what it is that she is getting ready to say and perhaps she would not upset her Owner so much, it hurts this slave to know or to think that Shujin went to bed angry at His slave,
*hanging her head in shame as she goes to bed to cry herself to sleep*
slave is so very sorry Shujin |
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*smiles*
soy esclavo de Shujin,como su esclavo, quiero honrarlo en todas sus formas!
Translation:
i am Shujin’s slave, as His slave i want to honor Him in all ways!
He is teaching me some spanish so i just wanted to practice some of what i am learning todays word was, yep Y/you guessed it slave, esclavo |
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Shujin didn’t have to say He was less than pleased about His slave having a headache yesterday,
He didn’t have to,
His slave feels that she is getting a little bit better at reading His moods,
at least she thinks she is.
slave tried twice to get up yesterday, but the headache had gotten a good hold on her head and wouldn’t let go of her,
she wanted so badly to do what she was supposed to get done during the day before Shujin gets home in the afternoon. slave feels like she has let her Shujin down as well as herself. she is ashamed to have let a headache get the better of her and her duties as His slave.
Shujin’s slave wants to be the best slave she can be; she needs His guidance on how to best serve Him and how to be a good slave for Him in all ways.
slave knows that all she can do is to continue to try her best and keep doing the things that Shujin requires her to do to the best of her ability. One day she hopes that Shujin will be proud to call her His slave.
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need to make a fast journal entry cuz my laptop is out of commission, cant get online and this computer is a hot item today,
Shujin has started a new local group on another website for D/s types hopfully W/we will get some interesting people with like minded interests, it would be cool to meet local people in the community, guess only time will tell.
i have one heck of a headache this afternoon, but a slave doesnt get to whine about it, lol, she has to keep on keeping on and get her chores finished. thats what i need to be doing right now, so off to play laundry wench. |
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OMG, today is gonna be a tuff day, was up way before i needed to be this morning, then went back to sleep but couldnt get some straight sleep kept being woken up, when i finally got up i feel like i been hit by a dang fright train going 250 MPH, its gonna be a ruff day to say the least, i got lots to do in order to be caught up from the weekend, it was nice to just chill yesterday and spend the day with Shujin, but i am gonna pay for it today. lol
gotta keep the smile and just pull up the big girl panties and get to gettin,
*slave mode in 200%* |
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Just watched a really good movie called
"The Blind Side"
It’s the story of a boy that came from unfortunate circumstances; He was taken in by a loving family, this family afforded him opportunities he would never have had a chance to have if he had remained where he had started his life. i can relate to this somewhat in that i too have been taken in by my Owner, and His family, i’ve been brought into a wonderful home, and have loving family members who have given me more love in the short time that i have been here with them than i had ever had in my entire life.
This may sound hokey to some but it’s the truth, it’s my truth, i have never known this level of happiness, and love before, not in my childhood home, nor in my adult relationships have i ever had the deep heartfelt love for or by anyone before. Having a loving environment to live in is a great feeling, i enjoy feeling loved, and being able to give my love to A/all of them.
To my Owner Shujin
i wish to express to You Sir that i am Your slave,
i am Yours to do with as You please,
i am Yours to direct,
i am Yours to own for as long as You will have me.
Your loving pet
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ok rant over back to why i started this post,,, lol
having a blast here at the house with the group dancin, drinkin, and having fun, Shujin playing DJ and dayum Hes good at it too, i love to watch this man when Hes into His music!
Hes such a good man i cant say it enough times how much i love Him and my family! |
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*giggles*
i wonder if men read the profiles of the slaves they send off these messages that they want to get to know them, mine CLEARLY says that i am OWNED!! does it not? if it isnt there let me know by all means,, please let me know that i forgot to mention my Owner in almost all of my journal posts, and it is in my profile that He is my Owner isnt it? LOL
i mean for crying out loud! |
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Shujin,
Your pet is sorry that this journal entry is late, she was going to get it done but her computer couldnt be logged onto the internet and then someone was on Your computer.
The other night You asked me how that movie The Secretary made me feel when i had watched it, i told You that it was a major turn on, that is just the begining of how i felt, when i watched the movie, i had felt that one day i hoped to find someone to bring out in me the level of submission that she had in that movie, i know i have found that person, never before have i wanted to be submissive to the level that i feel with You, even when W/we first started talking i knew that there was something extremely special in You and that i wanted to feel the power of Your Dominance over me, i wanted to be Yours long before You asked me to be Your pet, i felt that You were someone that could give me the freedom to be truely submissive, i have had some issues leaving my old self behind, and truly letting the submissive side out, but i feel that lately i am becoming more submissive, and letting the old me go, i am comfortable in my skin again and with being comfortable with who i am i have been able to allow the slave inside me to be free and submit to You. i want You to have the control that NO one has ever had over me before, i want You to bring me into the slave girl/pet that You want me to be, i want to feel complete Dominance from You in everything, i want it all from You i want to be all for You, i want this more now than i have ever wanted it before, and i hope that my actions of late have shown that i am trying very hard to remind myself who i am, and what i am, and what it is that You would want me to be.
i love You my Shujin.
pet |
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*smiles*
got another present from Shujin this morning, and i drank it all up.
mmmmmmmm mmmmm good!
He took my head and told me what a good pet i was this morning too,
it felt like it was going to burst when He said that to me.
i love being a good pet for my Shujin,
He is very good to me in many ways,
even when He is upset with me,
He is just teaching me how to be better,
how i can better serve Him,
how i can better myself in order to serve Him better,
i needed,
and do still need these lessons every day,
i need His guidence more than ever,
and i thank my lucky stars that He is willing to teach me the lessons that He does.
i love Shujin,
i love my family,
i would never change a thing about my life now as it is.
i have never been so content in my mind before,
i needed to become a better person,
to serve a good and loving man such as Shujin.
i am content and happy here! |
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in pain today not sure why or if i should take pain meds they have been making me sleepy at night and getting sent to bed to get my rest early, not that i dont appreciate Shujin looking after my best interest that way because i do i think it pretty neat that He sees that i am either tired or in pain and tells me to head to bed but i still like spending time with Him too.. torn sometimes as to what to do either stay in pain or take the pill..
*sighs* |
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Shujin did something really unexpected this morning, He bought me a ringtone of Josh Turners song "Will you Go With Me" its a song that He has sung to me a few times and i love that song i love how He sings it to me and i just love my Shujin, when He was ready to leave this morning He took my hand and held it all the way to the door and i got a nice kiss and hug before He left for the day, this Man knows how to make me feel special when i am not expecting it, Thank You Shujin, i would go with You anywhere! |
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was sent to bed early last night was just sittin here in pain anyways, got up this morning feeling so much better, gonna attack this day like a lion, lol will see how that works out for me,
i really need to remember to think like SHujins slave not a free woman any more, i trimmed my hair the other day without thinking, and while outside with Shujin He asked me if i wanted to be a free woman> do i not think that i should ask before modifing His property, such as trimming the hair on the head, i felt like a pile of dirt because i didnt think first, He wasnt hollerin at me but the tears started because i felt so damned stupid that i didnt think to ask first, i am just so damned dumb i cant stand it!
i need to remember every moment of the day and night that i am owned, i am slave to Shujin this is His property,
i know that my nails are to be painted every day look presentable etc, i know not to touch myself because the sexual part is ingrained into my brain that it is not mine to touch no matter how badly i need to be touched, so why did i just trim my hair? grrrrrr
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Shujin,
i am sorry that i copped an attitude this morning, You asked me why i did, after thinking about it i came to a possible reason,
When You go and do something that i am supposed to do, instead of telling me to redo it, it makes me feel less of a slave because my Owner has taken and done the task instead of telling me to get it done, if that makes any sense, i know how to do the ironing Sir, the shirt is new and the sizing has yet to be washed all out of the fabric, the sizing is in there to prevent the shirt from creasing as good as You would like it, just trying to explain why when i did spend about ten minutes ironing each shirt it still didnt take the crease the way You will want it to be.
They will be done tonight before You get Home. |
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hmm, wth is up with random friend invites from Finland? i mean duh? never spoken with this person and he sends me a friend invite,, and i think it tells on my profile that i am a slave, an owned slave to Shujin who also has a profile here,,, hmmmmmmmmm...;
go figure huh?
gotta love these random people!
NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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was trying to finish laundry before Shujin got up from His nap, so i dont get busted for working while He is at home, lol that didnt happen, He woke up and the laundry is still going but He didnt say nothing yet so maybe trouble averted!
lol |
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was sitting with Shujin this morning, and W/we were just looking at things on the net, when i got up and sat on a cushion next to Him on the floor, after a while i finally got up the nerve to ask if i could lie my head on His leg just to feel the connection that i needed to feel, gladly He said that i could, and He was stroking my hair, and for no apparent reason that i can really think of the tears started just streaming down my face, He just sat there stroking my hair and face, running His finges across my face, patting me and just letting me cry, after i completely soaked His leg, i finally was able to stop crying, i sat up and thanked Him, telling Him that sometimes i need to just be touched that was, i have always been a needy girl, and i am trying not to be so needy, i think that i am doing rather well at it, i havent had any major breakdowns, or brat attacks seeking the attention (yes i know wrong way to get it) but i am working on my slave feelings, working on my attitude towards others around me, trying to be more mindful of how and what i say, how it will be taken by others, and actually am trying to just be more quiet, if not directly asked something, i am trying to keep quiet and keep my mouth shut so i dont stick my foot in my mouth and get a foot up my butt from Shujin, He has had to take me asidee and tell me to be mindful of how i speak to others and that my attitude needed to be adjusted, and i am doing my best to do just that, every day it gets a little easier to just mind my own business. |
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The power was out most of the day yesterday which pretty much forced U/us A/all to go out for dinner,
went to Pizza Hut,
pet has had better,
but she had worse too if one can imagine that.
Shujin has started to twitter,
kinda cool because pet now has another way to communicate with Him now.
pet had a dream last night perhaps it should be called a nightmare,
in it was Shujin getting upset with pet because she had sent too many text messages, and or twittered Him too much and He was really upset with her over it,
to the point of telling pet NOT to communicate with Him at all for the day,
she is glad it was just a dream!
pet really doesnt think that she could handle being cut off from communication with Shujin, there are times that she will text just to say that she is thinking about Him or missing Him, and if pet were not allowed that,
she doesnt think that she could bear it,
*sighs*
Shujin said in a twitter that He will be working on the dungeon this weekend, pet is so excited,
but nervous also,
as He has only played with her in there twice, and it was not a long time so not sure what His pet will be in for, but she is excited to learn and experience more from His hands.
His pet is trying to be more in tune with being a better slave, she is working on her attitude towards others, sometimes she doesnt think before she speaks, she really needs to engage her brain, think about what she wants to say, then think about how it will be perceved by others and Shujin, pet was told to stop bickering with miss sarahs mother, she doesnt mean for her words to be taken as bickering, just her normal speach, but mother takes it as bickering, as did miss sarah, she did not mean to upset anyone when she was speaking, she will not let this happen again. she will keep her mouth shut when things are being said in front of her, but not directly to her, her opinion is not wanted by anyone. |
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gotta rant a bit, just spoke with my mother and she is all pissed off at me because i moved, didnt tell her why i moved because it is none of her business how i live my life, but now i get to be the black sheep of the family and i guess i am supposed to be upset at this, i look at it this way at 46 years old i dont think i should have to ask my mommys permission to do anything, let alone move if i choose to.. grrrrrrrrrrrr
my kid is ok with what i did, and she is the only one that i was worried about being upset over me moving because i left her in my house and she is now paying all the bills and is being a responsible adult, she and i spoke just yesterday and she is actually happy that i did give her the reality check that i did!
rant over,,
lol |
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got up this morning after being down all day yesterday with a migraine, my head hurt so bad i was sick to my stomach yesterday,
got up today without a headache yay!!!
went to do laundry and while i bent over to pick up clothes i felt my back sorta snap, i was sure that it was ok, but as the day progressed so did the pain in my back, took pain medicine this morning after i did it but it still is aggrivating the daylights out of me, it seems like i cant win for losing any more if it isnt one thing it is another. |
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Sometimes i wish that Shujin would look at me and point to the floor,
telling me that He wants me at His feet,
this would allow me to perhaps place my head on His leg and feel His hand caress my cheek, go through my hair or just rest on my head as He watched the television,
there are times that i want to ask for this type of closeness but am afraid of the possible NO answer,
Shujin is not a touchy feely kind of man,
and i know this and have accepted that fact,
i am not in any way saying that i wish He would change how He is,
just the opposite,
i love who He is,
i just feel the need to be closer to Him in some way,
to know that i matter to Him and that He wants me near,
i sit next to where He sits a few feet away, just once in a while it would be nice to lie my head down and feel His hand on me,
be it in my hair with a tug,
or just resting on my head,
i would be in heaven if He wanted to go lie down with me and watch TV together,
talk and what not,
lol
got a feeling that aint gonna happen any time soon.
lol
*sighs*
just rambling about stuff yanno
*smiles*
i gets like this on rainy days when i get to thinking and would like to be cuddled up in bed listening to the rain. |
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mmmmm mmmmm mmmmmm boubon chicken was for dinner tonight, man that mess was good i had seconds even, and after dinner Shujin and i made a pumpkin pie and a chocolate pie all from scratch!!!
cant wait till tomorrow after dinner! |
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yay!!!
i got to go to the grocerry store today with my Shujin, i like spending time alone with Him, at first it was to be the kids and U/us cuz the power went out this morning, cant very well leave them to watch the TV when there is no power, but just before W/we got rready to leave the power came back on, gotta love the power company!
Thank You Shujin for letting me go with You!
*hugz and kisses Him* |
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da good lil slave girl is child sitting tonight, Shujin and miss sarah went out to an adult ermmmmm bar,,*giggles*
i was asked if i wanted to go but they need some together time alone without the third wheel,, but i get to go next time, yay,, my first experience in a bar like that, it should be quite interesting cuz it isnt just a ta ta bar, it is full nude bar,, lol
like i said should be quite interesting to say the least, not like i havent seen other women bare bottoms, but them bottoms were all shades of red when i saw them, lol.
got a feeling that i will be sitting as close to Shujin as possible and being very quiet until i get accustomed to my surroundings, i dont come off as shy but when i am in an environment that i am not used to i get really shy and quiet, i know when Shujin reads this post He will probably look at me and laugh because He isnt going to think that i am shy at all.
*sighs*
then again maybe i will be asking for dollars to put in a G-string, lol, who can tell.. lol
oh wait, there are no G-strings in an all nude bar right?
LOL
well gonna watch the rest of Full Moon and hit the bed |
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i had found where my ISP provides me with a personal web space so i made a home page thinking that it would be cool to have a more private space to write in and then Shujin could read it, only thing is that when i set it up i was under the impression that He would get e-mails like here when i posted a blog,,, days went by and no blogs were seen by Him,,, this morning He told me that He wasn't getting any e-mails so i had to copy and past them to Him in a new e-mail,, guess i will go back to writing here for Him and the world to see.. lol
it's easier than the whole e-mail thingy.
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kitchen cleaned up, laundry started, Shujins bed is made, need to sweep the house, and wipe down the bathroom upstairs, the counter is gettin nasty... kids dont clean up after themselves, also have to clean out the car cuz Shujin has gotten a bigger vehicle so that when W/we all go out together W/we are all seated in a seat not riding in the back area any longer. Have ironing to start today too, Need to figure out what to make for dinner this evening... Shujin said He wasnt sure what to make for dinner i will look in the freezer and see what W/we have to make.,later journal |
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i am really glad that i have a Dr. appt this wed, so i can tell her about the leg cramps that i am having at night they continuiously wake me up in the middle of the night it is getting really tiresome.
When i dont get some sleep at night it makes it really difficult to maintain good decorum and a slave like attitude, i mean who can be on game when they are exhausted?
but anyways, started the laundry last night and only have a couple more loads to have it all finished for the day, then i have a boatload of ironing to do, Shujins closet is getting emptied and all the clothes ironed so that when He needs a shirt it will be done. its gonna be a long day of iron and me time!
after i get this done the broom and i have a play date, lol. time to get all the lil hair balls up off the floor,,, dog needs to be shaved!
as if!!!!!
man oh man am i sleeeepy!! |
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Shujin,
in direct response to Your entry,
it is not like me to just sit around and there have even been times that You had to tell me to sit down and relax,
it is out of the norm for me to just lounge around the house when there are things that need to be done here around the house.
You have reminded me so many times that miss sarah is the only one here that is allowed to just lie around and do that,
that isnt what i want anyways,
doing chores that You want done makes me feel good that i am doing something for You that pleases You.
Granted i dont always make the mark in the "pleasing You" department
but i try damn hard,
i realise that i have leaps and bounds to go before i am who i need to be,
but every day i feel that i am getting a little closer to the mark,
got miles to go i know this, but i am still working hard to get there,
it is what i want,
i want to be YOUR slave,
i want to be the best that i can be for You.
i hope that You havent lost hope for me and that You are still going to keep pushing me to be the girl You need for me to be.
There are times that i wish You would be a "dick" as You put it and wake me up if i happen to be asleep when You want something done,
there are times that perhaps i need more specific direction at first,
ie... what needed to be ironed.
i know that i do things that really piss You off and it is not my intention ever to make You upset with me i dont like it when i do something wrong and i beat myself up over it more that i think that You realise,
like tonight when You were starting to talk to me about something and i was looking at the laptop,
i will be more mindful to stop what i am doing and look at You when You are speaking to me,
i dont want to piss You off ever i really dont ever do something on purpose to just irritate You, that isnt who i am, or who i want to be,
i love it when You and i have time...
to just be together, time to just talk, time for me to be the slut You desire, time for whatever You want,,
i know that time is a precious commodity and i will do what ever i can to help make any time that is needed or neccessary better in whatever way i can.
if that means that i have to stand on my head to make it better for You, that is what i will do,
if it means that i have to work double time just so that You have a few minutes to Yourself that is what i will do..
i need You to know that anything that is needed,
i am here to do what is needed for You,
because i am Yours,
heart, mind, body and soul.. i am YOURS! |
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again....
i have done something to displease Shujin,
yesterday i was up early,
after being up for a while i started not feeling too well,
wont go into what was wrong as it had to do with tummy issues,
i stated that i felt like i might need more sleep,
and was told well then go on,
i waited a bit and still didnt feel good so i said that i was going to go lie down,
first mistake because i should have asked Shujins permission again.
i laid there for a bit and finally fell asleep and the next thing i heard was the kids arguing on the stairs and running up the stairs,
so i got up,
tummy still not right,
actually not right is putting it really mildly,
but i digress,
i got up,
i should have started right into my chores but didnt because it hurt to move,
yep the belly thing,
the day passed and the tummy thing did not, maybe i should have said something but in the past when this whole tummy issue happened i was told that no one wanted to know about it,
so i kept mouth shut,
suffered through it all day trying not to let on that i didnt feel well trying to act normal,
but i felt like a slug,
never got dressed until last night after a shower which just coincided with the tummy thing being resolved,
when i was asked what i did all day i just said that i hung out,
well wrong answer to give because i should have been working all day making sure that all chores were done, laundry, kitchen, living room, etc...
but when one hurts to just walk because of a belly ache its hard to get the momentum to work around the house,
even when i was battling this cold i have,
i worked in as much as i could because a simple sore throat or cough doesnt impare my movement,
but danggggg when the belly hurts and i hurt just to walk,
*sighs*
one day i may actually do something right, one whole day without seeing Shujin look at me like He does when He is upset or dissapointed,
just one day that i actually please Him for a whole day.
i hope i can make it soon.
tomorrows agenda:
IRONING!
ALL of Shujins clothing minus His underwear and socks! |
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dummy me forgot that i needed to get an entry in here,, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,,
got all caught up in reading the end of a really good book that i have been reading and forgot what time it was.
The book is Firefly Lane, its a book about two young girls that meet each other and grow into women as friends the trials of their relationships with eachother, kids, family, boyfriends and their careers, my stepmom sent me the book and its been an excellent read whenever i get the free time to read it, usually before bed and on the weekends when i am not as busy as during the week.
Shujin and miss sarah are taking in a movie tonight, they need the break away from the house every once in a while.
Shujin gave me His wireless card for the laptop to use so now i am online with my laptop and dont need to use His computer, i always feel guilty for interfearing with His computer, now i can use my own and He has His back to Himself. |
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yay feeling better today, still coughing but thats to be expected after a cold,
Bowling tonight!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i was sitting here while Shujin was reading profiles, and looking at some pictures here,
He came across some photos of a girl with some rather heavy duty marks from sessions with her Dom,
He likes to see those marks,
and i want Him to give me some so that He can admire His own work,
but the marks that were on this girl were extreme to me,
He looked at me and said
"you arent there yet"
well no i am not but one day i hope to be for Him,
i want to be the pain slut He desires,
i am learning that i do actually enjoy pain,
i had always backed away from "pain" because of having a serious back injury and dealing with a very different type of pain every day,
i didnt understand that erotic pain felt good, great even,
mind you that i have yet to experience the levels of pain that leave the type of marks in the photos He was looking at,
but hey im willing to give it a shot,,
lol
not that i would have much say about it!
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im at least feeling more like a human being today, chest is still rather tight but my throat isnt sore like it was, the coughing sucks but it seems to be getting better when i take the cold medicine that i have, am staying far far away from benedryl, that stuff is crazy it knocked me for a loop to be sure.
i want to be completely better by friday, bowling on fridays at the alley is fun i get to see all of Shujin and miss sarahs friends, they have been so warm and welcoming to me. i really do enjoy being out with the family, the kids have a blast at the alleys its fun watching them with their friends and cheering on the bowlers at the lanes. kinda wish that m back would allow me to bowl it looks like they have a blast up there.
well got laundry to do and i still havent eatten yet so i better get to it so that all my work is finished before ths evening. |
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Shujin sent me to bed last night at 6:45, i must have been sitting in the chair looking like a zombie after taking some benedryl. man i felt out of it, i dont think i like that mess, i guess i needed the sleep but dang does it have to make one feel like a worthless slug?
lol
got up last night at 9pm felt like i had a hang over but i had to take some meds so i got up and smoked a ciggarette and took my meds and hit the bed about 30 minutes later, got up this morning at 2 am, have to be up by 3am to get Shujins things ready for work, make His coffee, take blood sugar, etc so i just got up at 2, i feel a little better but my head is still very stuffy and coughing.
Need to get better dont want to make others in the house sick, am really glad that i went to the Dr and he said that it was just a cold, but dangit can a cold kick some butt!
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Feeling like a slug today, my throat hurts and this cold is going down into my chest, having a hard time even walking straight, i am so darn dizzy, Dr. said my ears were clear, guess it's just because i am feeling like crud,i feel really wiped out from coughing, being sick again sucks, dangit all! i dont want to be sick, i cant be on top of my game when i feel sick.
Still going to do all that i can to keep up my chores, i sure dont want Shujin thinking that i cant keep up with them, i am a good lil slave, or at least i try to be good!
got work to do, better get to it now. |
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went to the Dr today have a viral infection and of course there is nothing they can do for a virus it has to run its course, yay me,,, NOT!!!
Still glad i went because had i not, i would have had something really bad and passed it on to the little people here and that just isnt cool. So in my book it is better to be safe than sorry, i wouldnt have been happy at all if the little people got sick because of me not taking care of myself. and i am sure that Sujin would have kicked my butt from here to kingdom come too,, lol
hot toddy for bedtime, miss sarah said it will knock what ever it is right out of my system,, lol,,, knock me out is probably more like it, but hey if i can get some sleep tonight i will be estatic with myself!
well gotta scoot for now,, bbl |
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Didn’t sleep at all last night again, but i am in a great mood, i am getting a lot accomplished even as tired as i am, i gotta keep on keeping on because i want Shujin to be happy with me, i don’t like it very much at all when He’s not pleased with me.
Although i don’t think i’d mind too much if He wanted to take me into the play room and give me some attention,
*smiles ever so sweetly*
i am learning that i actually do enjoy erotic pain, i got a bit wet when Shujin took the wrist pad off the computer desk and whacked my backside with it, yep it hurt, well stung is probably more like what it was, but after a few minutes it was gone,
i don’t think i’d like getting whacked with that thing too many times though.. lol
i would like to have my hands in the cuffs that i have and tied up so that i couldn’t get away and flogged for a while,
i also have a couple of paddles that i kinda enjoy,
it’s going to take time to work up to taking more every time,
i want to start pushing myself into taking what Shujin wants to dish out.
i am getting excited just thinking about it, dang,,,
i can feel His hands on my body rubbing the spot that He just struck, mmmmmmm oh yes i would like that indeed.
i want to be a good lil slave girl,
i want to be His pain slut..
This is really something i never thought i would be saying.
It’s kind of surprising to me, but exciting all the same.
Maybe this weekend coming up He will take me into the play room.. |
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Today is going to be a very long day,
i asked permission to return to bed because i didn’t actually sleep but for an hour and a half last night, i was just getting to sleep about ten minutes after i laid back in the bed when Charlie the dog came downstairs and climbed into my bed next to me.
Miss sarah had taken the lil man to school and didn’t shut the door at the top of the stairs.
Oh well life goes on right?
Shujin gave me a nice bruise on Saturday by slapping the top of my thigh and grabbing it pinching it, making me so wet for Him, i never realized that my body would react the way it does when He touches me, it’s like my body is on fire i am so hot for His touches,
i want more,
i want Him to use me in every way,
i want Him to spank me and make me squeal with the slaps and touches that He places on my body,
i get excited just thinking about Him touching me,
i haven’t had the opportunity to show Him the things that i have brought back with me,
There is a leather collar for play time, cuffs and floggers, and two paddles,
i want Him to use these things on me,
i want Him to use me in ways that i never dreamed of. Shujin is good to me,
He makes certain that i am taking care of my (His) body,
i make sure to be shaved at all times,
ready for His use at any moment,
that in it’s self is enough to excite me, to make me wet just thinking that He may come home and say to me, go down get yourself ready for me, my knees would go weak with the thought of Him using me for His pleasure,
will He cane me, use the paddles, maybe a flogger or three?
Will He place the leather collar on my neck?
Will He choose to use the cuffs?
I don’t need the restrains but I like them, I love the way they feel, the hopelessness of being tied down ready to be used…
mmmmmmm.... !!!!!!!! |
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WOW, today has been an awesome day minus my minor breakdown of tears, me being the emotional being that i am takes things to heart and i was confused at something that Shujin had said and the tears came pouring out, He held me and talked to me and i understood what He was trying to say to me, He can really be serious looking even when He’s messing with me and cracking on me, and i take things to heart. But this is one of the things that i need to learn about Him. He’s not always serious and i need to figure out when it’s a joke and when He’s really serious and i am in trouble.
W/we went to the store but first had to drop off the trash. lol
Well Shujin and i were sitting in the truck and all of a sudden He slapped my leg,,, mmmmmmmmmm…. i am learning that i really like the pain when it comes from Him, He pinched my leg as i was sitting next to Him, pinched my nipples, oh man what a feeling to be able to take the things this Man can give out with composure, almost lost all composure but He took my hair and told me to compose my self, mmmmmm damnnnn i loved it, i got so damn wet it wasn’t funny, i never ever expected to like that type of pain, yeah sure i like a paddle on my butt,, even a belt if it isn’t for a punishment, don’t think i would like Him to punish me that way, ouchies! i have a nice bruise popping up, it looks so nice on my thigh.. oh man i may need to stop writing i am getting myself excited again!
Its really hard for me to put into words the things that i was feeling when He asks me how i am feeling afterwards… i never expected this from my body to react the way He makes it react..
Yeah i need to stop i will need to go change my panties.. lol
He has my heart, soul, mind and body in His hands and they are His to do with as He sees fit to do. |
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Shujin was happy with me the other day He said that i was getting better at being a slave in my thinking because i had remembered to ask Him to do certain things during the day like when i was tired, i just sent Him a text and asked permission to take a nap, things like that were taken for granted before and now i am finally remembering to get permission to do stuff like that instead of just doing it, and then being asked why i was asleep when He wanted something done. i am learning, finally! It felt really good to know that i had done something that pleased Him, i have been for the past few days trying to be extremely mindful to check in and ask Him if there is something that He wants done, or if I am allowed to do something. For me this was a difficult thing to break because i was not accustomed to doing asking for permission, but now that i am doing it actually feels better, i feel more at peace with myself, and who i am becoming. When i do take direction from Shujin i feel more centered if that makes any sense at all. It does to me, and it pleases Him so i guess that i am on the correct path to becoming the slave He so desires. i am still a ways off at being the best slave that i can be, but like anything that you do, and if you want to do it right, it takes time to learn how to do it correctly. |
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i am in the middle of composing a letter to my daughter under the advisement of Shujin in hopes to stop the disrespectful way in which she treats me.
i had created a monster in her by not insisting that she treated me better when she was younger. She was absolutely miserable towards me while i was in NC for my Dr appointment and in turn i was miserable, crying and depressed.
When i returned home to VA i told Shujin how she cussed me and talked to me like i was no better than dirt, He had advised me to put a halt to it once and for all or she will never respect me in the future.
Raising her i always wanted to give her the things, and type of home that i had wished i had growing up. She didnt talk to me like this until she hit the ripe old age of 18,
what went on in her head that year i will never know but it was like all her pent up anger and frustrations were lashed out at me and never talked about, i had always and still do tell her that she can come to me and talk to me about anything,
but it was like she didnt want to talk she just wanted to blame me for her father and i breaking up, when she was old enough to understand why i left her father i sat with her and told her why, but by then she had formed her own opinions and started to act out towards me, but never her father.
i wouldnt want her treating him badly but i didnt think she would hold me solely responsible for everything either.
What happens to children in a breakup should be in some way preventable;
but for a person not trained in child psychology it is just a crap shoot getting it right.
(not like kids come with a users manual)
i know in my heart that i did the best with what i knew how,
i am the first to say that i made many mistakes and that i am far from perfect, but dang why do i keep having to appologise to her for everything i ever did?
She has as much told me that maybe i should have beaten her, and she has all these ways of throwing things back in my face from years ago, i just keep telling her that i did the best i knew how, and that one day when she is a mother herself she will maybe understand some of the things that i did, and that it was for her that i did them.
i know my own parents divorce scarred me and my brother, but i never ever thought to blame them for how i turned out either, i knew that i was responsible for who i wanted to be and that i had to make my own decissions in how to act,
it seems that my daughter doesnt understand that she is responsible for her own actions not me.
She will be better off when she figures this out, all i can do now is to point out that i am not going to stand for her being blatently disrespectful towards me any longer.
A little late i know but it is what i need to do, and i can only hope that she will one day see that i did this for her and myself, and that one day our relationship will grow from a much better place. |
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didnt get to do my journal for saturday till now, so am getting one in now real fast before bedtime,
got home to my family here in VA after a great ride back from NC with them, had a nice trip back knowing that the torment of being away was over...
today we went to some family friends and had a cookout there, food was great andd meeting new friends was even better, a game called spoons was played, i was going to sit out because i had heard that it could get a little rough, but was told that sitting out wasnt an option i was going to play and play i did! i lasted till the last four players out of eight or nine of us started, a little rough doesnt even come close to explaining this game but even though i got knocked down scratched and clawed a few times, i had more fun tonight playing this game than i think i had ever had before, lots of uhmmm,, trash talking goes on between the group but "alls fair in love and spoons"
i had a blast, and thanked Shujin for including me, He said "well you are a part of this family"
What an awesome feeling~! |
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another sleepless night, *palms forhead*
i cant sleep here any more this is getting to me in a major way i need to be home i know it is just another night here tonight then i will be back home where i belong but the tears are a non stop thing,
i miss my Shujin more than i ever thought i would,
You have my heart Shujin! |
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finally found the laptop cord in this mess of a room after my kid did some *errrrr * packing, yeah yeah thats what she called it, more to the fact was she was pissed at me took all my clothes, dumped them into garbage bags never folded one thing, left them in heaps in the dining room and my bedroom and bathroom are both disaster areas, had to take a good thirty minutes just to clear off the bed so i could sleep last night,. it sux when a kid thinks it is ok to act like a class A B**** towards their mother,.
By Saturday i will be HOME!!!!
Home is where Shujin is!!!!!
i miss Him terribly, cried myself to sleep last night, being over tired and hurting like i was didnt help with the mood i was in, i just want to go HOME! |
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guess who cant sleep tonight...
grrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
my brain is working overtime with all the things that i have to do when i get home, knowing that i have such a limited amout of time to get it all done in, and the fact that i have a limited amount of space coming back is freaking my brain out theres so many things that i want to bring home with me, i could fill a few vans with all my stuff,, lol
i have to figure out what clothes are going to be needed and which of my stuff is going to pass Shujins muster as well, it is not just about what i like any more it is what He will aprove of on me, i dont want to waste space or time bringing stuff that He is going to hate and not want me to wear,
i dont get paid until Friday so i cant buy the totes that i need to get to pack.. argggg
*smacks head*
wish i could get my brain to chill out, but that isnt going to happen so gonna watch the tube and chillax for a spell
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*sighs*
not too happy today cuz tomorrow i will be on a train back to NC for a few days to gather up, and go through my stuff there. Shujin is coming either Sat or on Sun to get me, i will feel better when i see Him and feel really a lot better when i am home again in VA. |
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think that i got a case of bronchitis, lost my voice and chest is tight taking some antibiotics that were left over from miss sarah, slept more in the last few days than in the whole past week, guess it is my body telling me that it needed the rest, who knows.
i do know that i need to get my kid motivated to get her car situation straight, i want my vehicle back and she needs to S*** or get off the pot!
School starts soon for the little people here, they are excited, i am too, it will be good to see everyone back into a routine.
Shujin has been pretty understanding since i started getting sick, i think it started the day i just couldnt stay awake, i felt like crud, and just couldnt keep my body awake. i was cold all the time no matter how much i had on, not normal for me, i get hot in air conditioning, and for me thats normal to break out in a sweat when everyone else is cool, so for me to be shivering, something isnt right. Guess i shoulda expected something like that to happen sooner or later, can never keep a good thing going without a monkey thrown into the mix.
Gonna start a grocery shopping list on the computer so that W/we dont run out of stuff again, what a jerk i felt like last night when there wasnt enough of an item for dinner and miss sarah had to run to the store. That is just not like me to let something run out.
i got laundry out the kazoo this morning to get done, gonna be a slave to the laundry today! lol
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its almost 5 so i need to get this in fast,
i F***ed royally,
fell asleep twice today once out of being tired, the next i guess a combination of my meds and being bored, movie didnt really interest me i fell asleep again, it happens more than it's supposed to and it needs to stop so i am not going to let it happen any more.
sat in with the kids last night while their parents went out for much needed grown up time.
i really got to stop screwing up! |
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Well dayummm,,,
just reread the last journal entry,
i was sleepy!
Misspelled Shujin’s name when i typed it,
got a cut on my finger and it hurts when I type,…
Grrrrrrrr
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Shujin came down to "tuck me in" last night, and gave me a few incredible orgasms,
the man is extremely talented in how to relieve a slave of the daily stresses* grinz* yep that’s what i think ill call it, uh huh, i think i do ok relieving His stress as well.
This morning W/we were talking about the reasoning behind me getting a truck to move my stuff, He mentioned that i don’t really need to bring my bed, so i will call and cancel the truck and just take the time to really sort out the clothes that i will need to bring and a few of my crafting supplies, mostly my jewelry things.
Not renting a truck is going to save me a few hundred bucks, and lots of time packing so by time Shujin and miss sarah come to NC to get me, all W/we will have to do is pack their car up and ride on home to VA.
Sometimes i need to get hit over the head with the hard facts to get me to see that my kid is using me and that i don’t need to cater to her needs and that i am doing her a favor letting her stay in the house, after all i could rent it out for probably five or six hundred a month and deal with less headaches.
Why i let ryan run all over me is beyond me and i really do need to put my foot down and stop the nonsense.
Wish i knew why i allow her to get over on me, she’s been doing it for years, and it needs to come to a halt.
*yawns*
going back to bed
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oh mannnnnnnnnnnnn am i sleepy!!!
*yawns*
got up at 4, and didnt go back to sleep cuz the lil man was up by 5:30 so i stayed up so he wasnt alone..
*yawns*
someone pass me some toothpicks i need em to prop my eyelids open! |
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crisis averted this morning, my alarm is supposed to go off at 3am, and i woke up at 4am, YIKES!!!
But got Shujin up and off to work on time! yay!
Now if i can just get through the day without any major screwups, i will be a happy lil slave,
Dont want to be in trouble, not a good way to keep a Dominant in their happy place if i cant keep my lil slave butt out of trouble.
Butt on the other hand, if my lil slave butt is in trouble and Shujin beats this lil slaves butt, does that help keep Him in His happy place?
hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
is it a win win situation for Him and a loose loose for me?
lol
damn if i can get it straight! |
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almost made it through the day without messin up... i checked Shujins electric blanket before i got dinner done because i had been down putting away His laundry, it was on at that time but by time He was ready to go to bed it had turned off,,,,, dangit all!!!
Now i have an alarm set on my phone for 8:00PM every day so i dont forget to make sure that it is on,
also was too graphic in my terminology when speaking about something W/we were talking about, and dumb butt me said something like "didnt You just say the same thing"
can W/we say WRONG thing to say to one's Dominant?
Duh me again!
*tries harder still to get it right* |
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It’s been a few days since i’ve been online to do anything, Shujin has a big exam to take today for work and He’s been studying very hard the last few days
*keeps fingers crossed for Him*
but i know in my heart that He doesn’t need the extra help,
i’m sure He has this exam in the bag!
Last night Shujin was talking to me about things that I need to do when He is at work, and how I am to have everything completed before He arrives back home.
i was confused because He had been home for the past few days;
Previously i had been told not to be doing housework while He is at home,
Because it was a normal work day for Him,
i should have done what i normally would have while He is at work;
Now I know that is what is expected.
i need to ask if I am not clear on what is to be expected instead of guessing and getting it incorrect.
i also need to keep emotions and attitude in check, there are times that Shujin has said that i’ve had an attitude when I didn’t think that I do.
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W/we all went to out today, Shujin took us to a wings place His daughter is a bave lil girl, she ate a suicidal hot wing, poor girl had tears in her eyes before she could even swallow it. her face turned red and she had to go to the ladies room and was running water in her mouth under the fawcet.
Went to the mall and miss sarah treated me to my very first pedicure, kind of a good thing that i have some nerve dammage cuz i couldnt feel the girl doing all the stuff to my feet. lol miss sarah was sitting there trying not to laugh or pull her feet away from the one doing her pedicure. The chair that we sat in was awesome it vibrated and massaged while we soaked our feet and got the pedicure. my feet feel reeallly nice and the color is a real deep red, i am on the lookout for that color now, need to hit a sallys beauty supply to find it.
i think the only thing i did wrong today was not set the coffee pot correctly, not thinking i had it set for 7am because Shujin is home for the first three days of this week studing for an important test for His job, the coffee was not ready when He got up, tonight it is set for 5 am!
made myself some icecream and silly slave girl me left it unattended on the counter while i was putting the ice cream back in the freezer downstairs, came back and someone,
eh hemmm (clears her throat) ate all but a few mouthfulls of the ice cream, duly warned not to leave food unattended again, lesson learned!
lol
love You Shujin!!! |
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Shujin and i had been chatting as "friends only" when i was involved with a "dominant"
in this case nilla with a weee bit o kink
well anyways,
When i called it quits with him, Shujin started talking a bit more in depth with me,
He asked me,
"what is it about poly that i don't find appealing?"
my answer is and will always be,
"i am just not bi"
Little did i know that there are poly homes that the ladies in the home are not bi!
Lo and behold here i am,
Shujin's wife is just that His wife,
i am His slave in training,
The training although not easy for me;
Mostly because i never saw myself as a slave either, let alone being in a poly home.
i always thought all that third person stuff had to apply,
Y/you see the
"nilla with a side-o-kink"
men i kept getting involved with fed me these lines-o-junk.
Now i know better,
and i am on the path of higher learning
*giggles*
It isn't easy for me as i tried to explain just this morning to Shujin,
He reads my journals and has said to me that they are written as if i am a trained slave,
What i write, is what i feel, exactly how i feel!
Writing down how i feel is a release emotionally for me.
When i get it out on paper so to speak;
i feel that i have explained to myself as well as to Shujin how i am feeling.
In my heart of hearts i know that i have the feelings of a slave,,,
i crave to be Shujin’s slave,
But He says my actions don't show it yet,
and Shujin has asked me again,
"am i sure this is what i want?"
i don't know how to get Shujin to understand that it is what I want.
If it were not, i would not still be here, just as if it were the other way around, Shujin has told me that if He did not want me here i would know it, and I would be gone from here!
i am here because it is what i have been looking so long for,
i think as long as i have known about this lifestyle that i craved to be........
"owned" "controlled" and "collared"
i DONT want to go anywhere else on earth!
i have always learned by example, even as a young child i had to be shown how to do something,
i couldn’t just see it written down how to do something; and do it.
i know there are others that learn this way, it can't be just me, can it?
Each time i make a mistake,
i learn from it, catalog that mistake in the things i had better not do again file, and make sure that i don't repeat it.
There were a few times that i said something to the children that i should not have,
that is very difficult at times for me but i am learning to stop, think, and not engage my mouth before my brain,
just this afternoon, i knew that Shujin would be home soon, my normal action would have been to say something to their daughter because it is her responsibility to clean the kitchen before Daddy comes home to cook, He likes His cooking, i am still learning His ways in the kitchen as well.
but i kept my mouth shut, she got told about her responsibility, etc. and after all was said and done;
i said, "i think i know the answer to this but i am going to ask it just so i am clear, should i have asked her to come clean the kitchen?"
NO was the answer her mother was home, their daughter knew that it was her responsibility to have the kitchen clean.
i told Him that what i thought but i wanted to be clear.
i hate for the child to get into trouble,
but it's not my job to remind her and i had to learn that the hard way,
it's the momma in me to remind kids of the things that need to be done.
but again
i'm not the momma!
lol
long winded aren't i? |
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Just watched a movie with miss sarah,
"The Last Song", Nicholas Sparks is an awesome writer;
i am almost glad i didn’t read this book,
the pages would have been soaked by time i was finished.
The movie was intense and it made me realize that i need to talk to my father, as he is not doing well at all,
i am not ready for this, but if it is his time to go.,
i need to get my head around that fact and deal with it,
i have avoided talking to my dad because i am not used to him sounding like an old man that is ready to die,.
i am just not ready for this at this time,
i want my father to live forever!
Reality smacks us in the face when we aren’t looking and takes someone we love from us.
No matter how i hide i know that the inevitable is around the corner and i can’t hide from it.
It still doesn’t change the fact that i am not ready for it. |
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i really need to stop f***ing up when i am with Shujin,
i walked away from where He was in Staples, to look at something;
On my way back to where Shujin was i was met about halfway by Shujin;
As soon as i saw His face i knew i screwed up big time.
Being owned by someone is still very new to me;
i have never been in this level of D/s;
Ownership is something that i have never experienced before.
i need to get my act together,
punishment is not really on my major hit parade for fun things to do if ya get my meaning.
sometimes i could just kick myself for the dumb@$$ things that i do,
i should have known better but was not thinking,
i get into a place like Staples and the dumb@$$ meter goes off and i do dumb things.
Damn damn damn,,,,
Shujin suggested to me that this was perhaps not what i wanted,
that perhaps i just wanted a part time Dom and such,,,
NO NO NO NO that is Not what!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is what i want,
i want to be Shujins!,
not anyone elses!
i could have just died when i saw His face and to see the look was almost more than i could handle.
Holding back tears isnt easy, but i know that Shujin does not like it when i cry at things He tells me.
The tears arent actually from Him blessing me out,
it is more from knowing that i have dissapointed Him yet again.
Someone tell me when that stops!
Someone tell me how long till i get it right?
Someone tell me when i will stop doing dumb@$$ things?
i want to stop
i want to do everything right
i want to be the best me that He can make me be.
i want to be a good slave for Shujin. |
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getting my journal in before the 5pm deadline because last week i missed it, yesterday was a royal screwup day for me, not feeling well and kept falling aslleep i missed calling Shujins Dr to change His appointment big mistake!
Today W/we are A/all going out school shopping and i think getting the lil girl childs hair cut for school. No telling what else Shujin has in mind but i love these family outtings, W/we A/all have alot of fun.
got me some sleep last night hopefully whatever was wrong yesterday is gone.
i didnt ask permission to go to bed last night, i forgot, no excuse for that, but it wont happen again.
more later.... |
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i screwed up in a major way, i fell asleep sitting in the chair this morning, i was supposed to call the Dr office and reschedule Shujins Dr appt and slept thru it, i could just kick myself because i was awake when His daughter got up, and next thing i know my phone is ringing and it was Shujin calling to wake me up. then came the text message, because the phone doesnt work no one can hear me answer it. His text was why didnt i call and reschedule the appointment. It sucked when i had to tell Him that i fell back to sleep. i have to get my sleep schedule straight and keep it that way. |
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miss sarah and i took the children to do a it of shopping after her MRI this morning, we had a packed lunch but the kids ate at wally world, popcorn chicken, after wally world we stopped at 7/11 and i got the kids and i a slurpee addictive things that they are, but i am being good i got the new sugar free one.. then miss sarah dropped the children and i off at this awesome play structure park that looks to me like a castle. They had a good time running around expecially the lil guy, he made fast friends with a boy first then when he left it was a lil girl that he found to play with. miss sarah came back and we met a woman new to the area and we sat and talked while the kids played. over all i think it's been a good day even though we didnt get the children registered for school yet. but we will next week come monday.
i love being here doing things with and for the family but most of all i love being Shujins lil slave girl in training. lol i have so much to learn, but i think that i am in very capable hands with Shujin as my teacher.
gotta get some stuff done. better get to it. |
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Shujin has captured my heart, He is in my mind all the time. He is as His name suggests in every way, the Head of the Household, miss sarah's Husband, and my Master although i do not refer to Him as Master, it is Shujin or Sir, and the last two words from my mouth are to be Yes Sir or Yes Shujin which is what He prefers.
In the short time that i have been here i have come to love this family and Shujin immensely, some may have doubts as to whether or not it is a love that i feel for Him, i know in my heart that it is love, He is the person that has captured my heart, there are times when my heart hurts so badly that at those times i want to find a hole to crawl into and die; but those are the times that i have dissapointed Shujin, it hurts to see the look on His face when i let Him down, Lord knows how i feel about dissapointing Shujin, it's a feeling that i would really like to avoid at all costs.
Over the years i have heard other slaves talking about their punishments for different things, and almost all of them go so far as to laugh it off afterwards. i doubt very highly that i would laugh about being punished by Shujin,
first off if a slave is laughing after being punished she/he has not learned a thing about their punishment; or why they were indeed punished, those are the slaves that are destined in my mind to repeat the same mistake.
To me that is not an effective punishment if the slave is laughing or finding humor in the punishment. |
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gonna catch heck i think tonight because i didnt get my journal in before 5, it was a rough morning because the dog kept waking me up and i had a headache so bad till early afternoon and seeveral cups of coffee, no excuses but it is what it is, and after the headache went away i was getting ready to write it, when miss sarah said come on if you are going to the store with her, so i ran down threw on clothes and we left, by time we got home i took a shower and miss sarah was making dinner but then she was doing her unemployment online, so i couldnt get on then, i sent a text message to Shujin, but i dont even know if He got that, i got a message back telling me that the text went to a land line, it's been one of those days that if it could go wrong, it would and if i could loose it i did, cant find my hair brush i had it with all of my hair stuff in my pink bag, but it is gone now, looked under the chairs, and my bed in all my draweres and my bags,everywhere that i could have fallen under and it is no where to be found.
on a different note, i have to wonder if i will ever get it right, i am trying so hard, maybe that is the issue that i am trying so hard to be a good slave. Last night i got a taste of being ignored and i dont like it, i felt so bad that when Shujin did finally sit down to speak to me the tears started, i hate it when i do that but i have always been an emotional girl and it is not something that i have control over, my emotions get the best of me at times but again i need to get control over it.
learning that i need to ask for and about every decission is one of the hardest things for me to get through my head, but each time i make a mistake again i log it into the memory bank and do my best not to repeat it. The girl child has had me snowed but i am catching on and from now on i will always check before i do something or let her do something. that way i cant get me into trouble, because being ignored sucks the big hairy one if ya know what i mean. no fun, no way, no how, i dont like it, and dont want a repeat. Shujin again reassured me that if He did not want me here, then He would be looking for the fastest way for me to be back to NC. He said that i have gone above and beyond my duties as His slave, and it felt good to hear. He said that i am doing a good job and that it will take me time to get to know Him as a person and the different ways He wants things done. So true, so very true!
i just want this to work for E/everyone involved. i have come to love E/each and E/every family member, and hope they like me too
i feel a bond forming with Shujin that i have never had in the past and it's rather exciting to know that it is there.
i love my new family so much, and am looking forward to spending much more time here.
Pricing a van to move my stuff here was a bit of a culture shock as i havent had to in such a long time, for the smallest truck they have it will be over $250.00 thats a quarter of my pay for a month, can W/we say ouch?
lol
but well worth it to have my stuff here at home. next will be getting my kid to give me back my van after she either sucks it up and gets her car fixed or gets a new car. With her in school i cant leave her with no car to get to school and to work.
ok later journal gotta go help miss sarah with dinner. |
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things were claified for me yesterday,
i understand better why Shujin asks me if i am sure that this is what i want,
it is His way of making sure that i know what it is that i have signed on for.
yes i do understand, i know that He is strict and yet still very loving and caring.
i need that strictness in my life,
it is something that has been missing all through my life even as a child,
i had pretty much raised myself after the age of eleven.
Things for me were so that i became an adult much earlier than i should have without instruction,
i think perhaps this is part of my problem.
i am not acustomed to going to someone else to solve a problem,
i act first and then find out that i have done wrong.
i need to check first then act upon what it is that i have been told to do.
once i get that through my thick skull i think things will be much easier.
Shujin and miss sarah have been very patient with my mistakes,
but the mistakes need to become less and less as the days go by,
the last thing i want is to make a mistake and be sent away.
i made an error the other night;
after the fact i could have just kicked myself for after the fact,
their little girl got up with an earache;
instead of sending her to her parents,
i went to their room and forgot to knock,
and just went in their room,
afterwards i just wanted to die because i knew that it would bite me in the butt.
and i was right; Shujin told me that their privacy needs to stay in tact!
i knew this;
but just acted without thinking because of the lil girl being in pain.
it hurts to see a child in pain and the mommy in me acted,
not the slave me,
and i need to remember i am not the mommy, but just the slave;
i need to know my place.
it was a learning experience,
i cried not because Shujin yelled at me,
no He was very calm about the whole thing,
i cried because i knew that i was wrong and the last thing i want to happen is for miss sarah to be uncomfortable with me in her home.
it upset me that she was upset about the whole thing,
but as Shujin put it to me, this is a learning curve for U/us A/all.
Each time i make a mistake i file it in my boo boo file and make sure not to repeat it,
the best that i can.
i have to turn off the mommy in me,
make certain the slave me is always on,
and then things will go much smoother for U/us A/all, i could not want that more.
Shujin assured me that if He did not want me here with Him that i would be gone by now.
He wants me here, He wants me as His slave, He wants to train me to be the best slave that i can be for Him.
And on a different note!
Shujin took me down for another session,
i am learning that the pain puppy is in me, she just needs to be coaxed out,
Shujin was canning me and i was so turned on it was unbelievable to me.
i never knew how much pleasurable pain could be such a turn on,
to take what Shujin dishes out is very erotic, and Shujin has told me that eventually i will cum from the pain alone,
and not need to be touched other than Him inflicting this pain on me.
it should be intersting to see how long it will take of training to have this happen. |
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Something has been weighing heavy on my mind. Shujin Sir You have asked many times if You are what i want in a Dominant,
if You are what i looking for in a Master.
I dont know how many ways to put it to You Shujin, i wouldn't still be here inYour home if You were not the man that i want to take me into the depths of this lifestyle that W/we choose to live.
Yes Sir yes Shujin, yes in so many ways You are who i have been searching for,
yes You are the man i want to lead me,
yes Shujin You are who i want to make me into the best slave that i can be for You.
i know that i have made mistakes, i know that i have really infuriated You in the past by doing things that You told me not to.
i am so sorry that i have made the errors that i have and am trying to learn all that i can from You.
But i need for You to understand Shujin that i want to be here;
i want to be Your slave i want You to own me, every part of me,
my body
my mind
my soul
i want You in so many ways it is hard to articulate what i am trying to get across..
i am sure more than sure that it is You that i want.
NO one else could make me into the slave that i know that You can,
i feel it coming i feel the changes taking place, You may not see it yet but i can feel me changing every day.
i sit here with tears streaming down my face because i am so damned afraid that it is You that doesn't want me.
i would die inside if i ever heard that from You Shujin.
i am so afraid that everytime You ask if i am sure,
that it is You that isn't sure.
i am scared that it is You that doesn't want me as Your slave girl.
i don't know how to say these things to You;
i don't know how to tell You that i love You so deeply that i would give anything to hear You say that You want me, that there is no other slave that You want other than me. |
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Shujin took me downstairs to the dungeon for a pain session, something that i am beginning to understand as pleasure; not just pain.
Sure the pain hurts, but the feelings that come along with this pain; is sheer pleasure.
my pleasure comes from knowing that the pain that i can endure gives Shujin pleasure. His pleasure is to give me pain, and in turn my pain has given me pleasure.
This is totally foreign to me. So much so that i didn’t realize that i was turned on by it. The feeling is quite erotic to feel Shujin inflicting pain and caressing me after striking me with the cane is extremely pleasurable. i got goose bumps from Him running the cane down my side; the erotic touches all but made me come undone.
i never knew that pain could be so delicious.
Shujin has been taking things slow with me, baby steps if Y/you will in s/M part of this relationship.
i will someday be able to take what He gives to me without question but to get to that point is going to take training.
Shujin knows that i am not a pain slut but dang if i am not willing to go there for Him. i think that there is almost nothing that i wouldn’t do for Shujin.
my body, mind soul and body belong to Shujin He is the Dominant that has brought me to realize that this is what i want and who i am.
i am His to do with what He wants, i wear His marks proudly where before i thought being marked by a Dominant was something that i would never want.
i want His marks on my body, i want to feel like i am being used by Him and that i am bringing Him pleasure by all of this.
i made a huge mistake yesterday in giving the children something while their father was in the house, without asking His permission. Shujin has told me before not to act as their parent that is not the reason that i am here. i am His slave nothing more. i need to get this through my head and fast because Shujin informed me that if He had the time to do yesterday what He wanted to after that mistake i would have been strung up, pants and panties around my ankles and been beaten for this mistake. Shujin never hits out of anger but this is my last warning it is the last time that i will make that mistake. i don’t want to get whipped for a mistake. i am afraid to make that mistake ever again i don’t relish the thought of being beaten for making a mistake like that. i don’t like to see the look on His face after the disappointment from my mistakes.
I am going to do my damndest to never repeat the mistakes that I have made, I don’t relish the idea of having my panties and pant around my ankles as He whips me for a mistake.
Shujin Sir You do have my heart, You have my mind, and Shujin my body is Yours to do with as You will. i have come to love You, love Your ways and yes even love the way You tease me. I am Your willing slave, and am Yours for now and always! |
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Shujin sent miss sarah and i to the movies last night, He was having friends over to play x-box. All day long i had been battling a nasty headache; i thought it was gone, but after the movie started my head started to pound; i only got to see a few minutes of the movie, and fell asleep. This wasn’t the first time that has happened to me; but it’s aggravating as all get out, especially when miss sarah bought the tickets. i felt like a shmuck when she woke me up after the movie was over. As soon as i can i’ll be getting my eyes checked, i hope that is what the issue is with the headaches and that they stop.
i was looking at my new collar this morning, and it fell apart at the back where it links together and it connects together. i got so upset and started crying i thought that Shujin would be upset with me, but He held me told me to calm down and that stuff happens.
Shujin told me that this is just a temporary one until He finds the one that He is looking for, one that will lock when He puts it on me.
W/we all got ready to go out for the day. W/we went to Cato’s first and Shujin told me to pick out two outfits, He doesn’t like my “Pentecostal” clothing as He puts it. i guess He doesn’t like Wal-Mart clothing. lol. i am so used to skimping on myself when it comes to my clothing; it didn’t occur to me that they weren’t flattering, but after getting to pick out my new clothes, i see the difference, they just don’t have nice clothes like this at wally world. After Cato’s W/we went to eat, the cheese steak subs are awesome at this restaurant that we went to, i love them, it’s the first place that W/we ate at when i first got here and i am hooked on the cheese steaks and the fries are oh so good, made with the taters that have the skin on them all crispy and yummy. They have the best ice cream too.
After W/we ate W/we all went to pick up miss sarah’s glasses in Manassas, talk about a bunch of dumb butts, they only had one pair out of the two pair ordered, that just didn’t make any sense to me they were ordered the same day why weren’t they ready at the same time. i walked over to Michaels to get the stuff to fix Shujin’s work shirts He doesn’t like the sleeves on them so i roll the sleeves up and iron them so they are going to stay through out the day. i think perhaps Shujin may have been shocked when He asked me if His t-shirt was ironed for today, and I was able to say Yes Sir it is, one day last week i ironed all His t-shirts and His shorts, He said that W/we need to go through His closet and pull out the things that He doesn’t wear any longer so that when i iron His shirts they stay nice and aren’t jammed into the closet. Maybe W/we will get to that tomorrow, if W/we don’t have other stuff to do that is.
Gonna go relax, paint my nails over again, and watch the tube for a while.
picture of me wearing my temp collar to follow! |
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i am collared!!!!!
Last night when Shujin came home He had a surprise for me,
He put a very pretty silk and stone collar around my neck.
i am one happy, elated, excited and most appreciative lil slave girl.
This is just a temporary collar as He hasn’t found the locking collar
that He wishes me to have yet.
Shujin wants me to have a locking collar. And with me and my dumb allergy to base metals, it needs to be of titanium, or gold filled, both of which are extremely hard to find.
i know that Shujin will find the one that He wants me to have for a permanent collar.
Last night i couldn’t have been more happy, and loved. i love my new collar, and love Shujin so very much |
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i got to talk to my g/f beca late tonight, or early this morning, whichever way one chooses to look at it. i haven’t had a chance to catch up with her really, so it was extra nice to catch her online and chat via yahooooooo..........
i’m sitting here watching on demand, freebies, not much on this late, and it's something to listen to while typing up some of Shujin recipes. i have three to do, so that when Shujin says make such-n-such, i know how to make it just like He does. He’s an awesome cook, if i may be so bold.
i hate that i am eating as much as i am, butt the running up and down stairs all day doing laundry, and what not has me starving by the time He and miss sarah come home from work. And it’s easy to eat when everything is so good too!
W/we had His chicken salad sandwiches tonight; now i have had chicken salad probably a hundred times, and it’s rare that i enjoyed it, but OMG, this was so good; the key ingredient for me was the hard boiled eggs, i think it made the chicken salad taste great!
The onion in it wasn’t too bad in it until later; when it decided to rear it’s ugly lil head again later on this evening; lol.
W/we all watched the finale of “So You Think You Can Dance” Lauren won; i for one couldn’t have been happier. The first time i saw that young lady dance, she blew my socks off, she’s an amazing lil girl with an awesome body, great personality, and what a dancer.
“WOW” is about all i could say when i first saw what she could do on the dance floor and every other time afterwards it was the same.
A well deserved win for that young lady.
Shujin and miss sarah retired for the evening, and i am still puttering around upstairs, doing this and that, waiting to see to it that Shujin’s blood sugar gets tested and recorded, and making sure that He has all that He needs before He heads out for the day, then it’s to the bed for this lil red head.
That is my favorite time of the day, the hour that Shujin and i get to spend alone, to either just sit, watch the news as He wakes up and i make His coffee, or just talking about O/our thoughts, concerns and sometimes things that i have done to make Him upset. The one on one time is much needed and very precious so i do try not to mess up too much and do my hardest not to repeat any mistakes either.
i love this man whom has claimed me as His.
It’s the first time in my life that i have experienced this level of devotion to another person that wasn’t my child. Never have i felt this deeply about another like i do Him. my devotion and love grows daily. It’s growing stronger and deeper every day, so much so that it could be scary, but for once i’m not afraid of letting go with my emotions, because He’s so honest with His feelings, that i can be too.
mmmmmm mmmm good!
What a feeling!
Ahhhhh Haaa…
“Manhunter” is on!
For anyone that may not know it, the beginning of the Silence of the Lambs series I guess you might say, it’s also known as Red Dragon based on the book of the same name. It’s a great movie, one that i can watch over and over again.
There’s always something that i missed or forgotten from the last time it was on.
Well i suppose that’s about it for tonight, time to get my nails polished, watch the movie, and get my big girl panties scared off of me!
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i believe that i am back on track again with my sleep schedule, it's harder for me to go to bed get Up and see Shujin off to work than it is to wait up, see Him off to work then go to sleep, the broken sleep and taking my bedtime medication does not work for my body, what happens is that i am super lethargic and can not stay awake because the medicine has not had a full amount of time to wear off, this morning i fell asleep without trouble, and when i woke up this morning at about 10 ish, i felt rested because the medicine had a chance to wear off. Even Shujins little girl said that i looked rested this morning. This may be what i need to do so that i can maintain a schedule and be able to stay with it.
Shujin showed me how to check His sugar last night and again this morning, i think i have it down now. And He has seen His new GP for blood sugar and blood pressure, as well as a new Orthopedic Dr. for His shoulders, He did not sound real happy about the Ortho visit because the Dr. gave Him a shot in the shoulder to alleviate some of His pain.
The children and i are getting more into a routine of getting breakfast then having story Shujins daughter reads and i listen in and we all enjoy story time in the mornings, then it is lunch time and after regular play time, not so much TV time. we are coloring, painting, and doing some stuff to be creative, getting ready for school time by getting away from the television seems to have them appreciate the shows they are watching, yesterday we had the television set to one of the radio stations and they were listening to the older songs from my generation as well as i am getting to know some from theirs, call me old but some of it just does not make sense. lol
more later,
it is Uno Flash time! |
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grrrrrrr.................
dislikes it when i am trying to reach the school in NC in order to drop my classes and they either are on the phone or they are out of the office and only one person can do this job? grrrrr
left multiple messages and no response, maybe tomorrow morning i will get a call back, but watch it be while i am asleep still.
justt my luck!
have been trying to brain storm how to attach Shujins shirt but i still need to go get the elastic, so it's hard to do anything without that because i dont know how to make the pocket it will be in until i know what size the elastic is.
going to start it any how cut the cuffs off and at least get that started,
checked the water softener, it needs salt but dang those bags of salt are heavy!
kind of the last thing i need to do is break my neck falling down the stairs, so i think i will wait until Shujin comes home for that.
Shujin called after His Dr appointment, and i have to moniter His blood sugar levels, so that means that i have to poke Him with a needle, i had to check my blood sugar a long long time ago so i kind of know how to go about it, but it has been such a long time i have to learn it all over again. i will do what ever it takes to make sure that Shujin is healthy and happy, thats so very important to me. Because a Happy Shujin makes for a happy lil slave girlly.
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for some reason there seems to be tension in the air here this morning, i guess it will come out why sooner or later, it always does.
i slept almost too well this morning after Shujin went to work this morning. then i felt a cold nose touch me, uh huh the dog woke me up again, he's so smart it's funny, he got me up the other night to let him out.
Tuna casserol is on the schedule for dinner tonight and i'm making it. something i havent made before, but Shujin gives good directions on how He wants things made His way.
i have to figure out how to transform the sleves of Shujins work shirts so that they will stay up after He pushes them up on His arms, i love these kinds of tasks. just wish i had my sewing machine, i know more about it than i do the one that is here and it's portable too.
well i need to contact school and drop my classes for the semester. yay a break!
lol |
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i just read a post asking what training was for,
i can answer only in my situation,
my training is to serve my Sir Shujin in the exact way He likes, this means making His meals as He would prepare them, last night it was a roast, the night before was making a lazagna. to iron His shirts just so, to have His clothes set out just the way He likes et,,, that is and has been my training since dayone in this relationship.
pattay |
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Any contact from Dom/me’s MUST go through my Owner Shujin here on Collar Me.
All messages sent to me directly will be forwarded to Shujin and not answered by me. |
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oh man i woke up feeling like crap warmed over, i got up with Shujin and saw Him off to work, i went straight back to bed, and when my second alarm went off i just couldnt wake up, i felt so bad that i sat on the side of the bed and just fell back into the bed, alarm went off again cuz i set it for an hour or so later, and i got up, couldn't talk my throat was so sore, i talked to Shujin and asked if i could go back to bed cuz i felt so bad and He said yes, Miss Sarah got me up because she was going to the post office and i needed to go too, still feeling like a gigantic bug got me but went to the post office and then wally world and i got some over the counter medication, tonight my throat feels a lil bit less like sand paper is in it so thats a plus.
We had leftover lasagna and i dont know why but it always tastes better the second time around. Good stuff!!!!
Shujin says i need to work on my attitude when He says something, that i catch an attitude with Him, i dont realize it but am really going to be making a conscience effort not to catch an attitude anymore. Hope i can because other wize my butt is in danger of a great big arse whoopin.
my attitude has always been a problem even as a kid i remember my father yelling at me for it, but i dont remember what it is that i had said. when it comes out of my mouth i dont realize that i have done something incorrect.
there are many things i am sure that will come up with Shujin that i need to change, and He will make certain that i do change it.
*hides her arse*
butt anyways,
my "marks" are fully pronounced now and Shujin took great delight in giving me them to me, just as i took extreme delight in getting them.
got popped with the wrist guard from the computer desk, ouchies, and the wooden spoon a couple of times, just incase i did something,,,
ouchies!!!!!!!
Miss Sarah and i were both feeling ill today,i sure hope that we arent really getting sick, and that it will pass us over.
i have a busy day tomorrow trying to get Shujin into the Dr's office soon, He is out of blood pressure meds,,, grrrrrrrrrrr
ok, i am off to bed, need my slave sleep! |
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well i guess that i did ok making the sause for Shujin's lazagna, everyone except for the little guy had seconds, it was awesome, and i am learning how to make good food,
watch i will gain any weight that i had lost eatting all this good food.
and on that note,,, my happy slave butt is off to the bed, i am wiped out.! |
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i feel like i am still walking on cloud nine today after last night.
its been a great day, i feel relaxed and less tense, and the headache i was bogged down with has finally lifted.
Woke up in tears early this morning with a nasty leg cramp in my leg, i could not get it to just ease up so i could go back to sleep so i was up extremely early so not much sleep on board again, guess who will be going to bed when Shujin does!!!
i have to get myself back on track again.
i did the grocery shopping today, which was cool, i made one mistake and got the wrong lazagna noodles, but was told all in all i did a good job,
*big grin*
it really feels good to be told that i have done a good job,, even on the simple things it feels good to be praised for a job well done.
i think i did ok last night in our session, and have a few marks to prove what a good lil slave girl Shujin is training me to be.
Went swimming with the family today, we all had a great time..
the children are doing better when i suggest to them what they are doing might not be parent approved. Which makes me feel better, i was pretty wound up about not knowing if i should say something or not to the kids, but the family pow wow straightened that out.
Tonight i was entrusted to start supper which tonight will be Shujin's famous lazagna!!
yay!!!
im hungry and looking forward to tasting His lazagna.
i feel a love for Shujin that each day develops deeper, and more intense. W/we started off just chatting as friends but it has developed into so much more for me, i hope that He feels the same thing too.
got laundry to finish,,
later journal!
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Since You told me that tonight was my night, that I would do as You told me, that I would accept the things You do to me,
I had bats and butterflies in my stomach. Anticipation was reallyhard to deal with but i did not let it get to me.
Wow to the wow;
Tonight was my first time in a session with Shujin it was F***ing awesome!
i have never experienced anything like it before,
{there are so many things that i have yet to experience}
i was a bit nervous at first because of the unknown;
but as soon as i set foot into the space the bats left, the butterflies flew off, all that was left was Shujin and i,
Then He began;
Shujin had me sit in a chair because of my back and not being able to stand on my feet for long periods of time, i looked up from the chair seeing a pulley and wondered what it would be for, but knowing better i didn't say a word, then came the rope.
mmmmmmmm rope!
The ropes looked awesome wrapped around my heavy breast; making them feel so heavy and huger than life, but so very sensitive all at the same time,
what an awesome feeling it was,
i can still feel them being a bit tender but in such a good way.
Then I found out what the pulley was for as Shujin tied my already heavy breast to the pulley in the middle of the tie on my breasts and pulled them yet higher, making the sensations that I received all that much more intense.
The sensations that I experienced within my body were of excitement and anticipation to see what else was to come.
These sensations were like none that i have ever felt before,
and it is something that i really enjoyed to say the least.
With my breast tied up my nipples were incredibly sensitive and it was the most sensual feeling when Shujin just pinched or pulled them even just the slightest bit, then the harder that Shujin pinched or pulled on made my eyes kind of glaze over, and i became oh so excited and wet.
Shujin tied my so that they were behind me; this too was something that had never been done to me before, the helplessness of that was so incredible, it is something that i enjoy immensely, being helpless and not even being able to scratch an itch,
which of course as soon as i was tied up happened, i had to ask Shujin to scratch my upper lip.
i saw Shujin had His canes in the space; canes were one thing that i had feared the most, i suppose it had to do with seeing video clips and pictures of others that had been caned to the point of huge welts and bloody backsides that had me petrified of the canes.
Not any more!
There were a few times that i was not expecting the sting that i received from the cane, but i blew out a huge breath and blew off the pain. i was actually surprised by how i handled the pain, it was not extreme, but actually it was really good. The small cane i thought would be really evil but Shujin again knows darn well what He was doing and how to do it to the point of making it feel oh so dang good.
The vibrator on my clit along with the cane was another new kind of sensation, one of extreme pleasure and of pain both together quite mind blowing to say the very least.
Shujin the very first instant that You asked me to come to You,
i knew in my heart that You were one to put my trust, faith and love in.
You have captured my heart, body, and soul. i belong to You Shujin for as long as You will have me.
i want to be here, i love You, and Your entire family, this is where i want to call my home from now until forever,
i tell You this here for the world to see and know that i am asking to be Yours forever more.
i am begging for Your collar Shujin i feel the need to have one placed around my neck as a daily symbol of my love, and my devotion to You.
Please Shujin may i be Your slave, may i please wear Your collar Shujin?
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This morning Shujin told me that tonight was my night, and that’s all that i know, so pretty much all day the butterflies and bats have been swooping through my stomach because of the “unknown” this being my real first time with a session, i haven’t got a clue as to what’s to happen, and when i was going to get another cup of coffee, i was told not to have a panic attack, my mind has contemplated this already but i am not giving in to it. |
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yawns,,,
the question of the morning is,,,,,
do i go to sleep for a few hours,
or wait up to see Shujin off to work as i am to every am,,, lol
i may pass out on the chair again, man this furniture is so comfy too
lol
i am a happy lil slave girl in training so that i may be in service to a wonderfully strict and demanding Sir,
Shujin has His rules, and i am doing my best to follow each of them to the letter.
each day i feel like a flower in bloom, each day another petal opens as i learn more,
at first i was a bit worried that if i did the littlest thing wrong,
i would be shipped off back to NC.
But Shujin and Miss S have assured me that i am welcomed to stay and to serve Shujin in a slave girl manner, that is exactly what i want to do.
i wish to become the best at making Shujin happy.
Making sure His clothes are just right, coffee pot is set at night for the AM, and that His cup is always full of coffee, making Shujin's lunch, and so much more.
Six months ago if anyone had said the word slave to me,
i would think, no it's just not me,
but in this home/relationship between Shujin and i, becoming a slave s exactly what is happening,
i always call myself a slave in training, but i also know that the training will always continue, and i will grow, and blossom into a good slave.
this is what had been missing, and now Shujin has found me.
i thank Him an aweful lot for taking me in as His slave, because it is what i had been yearning for and after a long time it's found me, and it is good! |
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grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....
this bites, i went to bed a good time last night but woke up and knew something wasnt right, and soon as i heard Charlie whine, i figured he needed out again, well.... enter the ick for the morning, he got sick,,, so got it all picked up, cleaned the best i could for the night and tried to go back to sleep at which point my back wouldnt stop acting up. so up i am, until Shujin goes to work, then i think i am taking Miss Sarah to her shared ride this am, so that i might have her car, thank you Miss Sarah! :)
need to run to the store today....
oh and i missplaced another almost empty pack of ciggarettes. i swear old timers disease is setting in. or i need to be in a better routine and have a pocket to put them in,,, hmmmm
lol
i will be one happy lil slave gir when i am all moved in with my stuff, am going to miss my lena bean, butt, this too shall pass, i will have Charlie as a surogate dog i guess..
*smiles*
a few more days, just a few more days!
*kisses Shujin for picking me*
thank You just in case i forgot to say it again. |
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Shujin is the most awesome chef Sunday night He made us all a big bunch of snow crab legs, and the tonight a huge pile of jumbalaya. yummy, never had that before and i was diggin in like there's no tomorrow,
lol
just a few more days here, when i go back to NC and get my stuff, i am coming home here again to VA!
To be Shujin's slave girl
*smiles*
my time here so far has been all about learning how Shujin wishes certain things to be done. and when i return for good, then i believe more extensive training will follow suit.
well enough for tonight, it's been a long day. i hear the chocolate cake calling me from the next room, better answer it huh?
lol
till later.
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Who would have thought that i would be into a TPE in a poly home, certainty not i, but this is what i am in, and loving every minute of it.
i will be closing my account when i get back home after picking up clothes in NC,
no need for me to be here any longer as i have been found by a Real Dominant,
Shujin and i chatted as friends at first, but found that W/we seemed to hit it off rather well, and after i ended things with uhmm...
Mr. Non Committal, i don't like to be mislead, aka lied to, it's not fair to lie to others that you consider yourself in a relationship with, i truly do understand that’s why it’s
one thing that Shujin will not stand for!
If any of my submissive/slave friends wish to have my e-mail. Just let me know in a message, i will provide it for you.
Thank Y/you all for the kind words when i needed them, words of congratulations when Shujin asked me to be with Him. And for advice when I asked for it from A/anyone that would answer.
pattay
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Ello journal, told you i’d be back;
Wow what a day, of shopping, surprises and many, many outbursts of laughter,
something i have been missing for a while.
Shujin Sir and Miss. S bought a bedroom suite for me to use, i don’t think even as a child i had a whole matching bedroom suite.
*smiles @ them both*
thank You both so much again.
i really feel like a full fledged member of their home.
i am loved,
and man-o-man what a feeling!!!!
This change is gunna to do me good,
Shujin will see to that for which i am certain
*winks @ Him*
it took me several days to relax more here,
and to realize that there are only a small handful of things that will get me sent home.
One is to lie to Him, a major no, no in any relationship as far as i am concerned, but huge is His eyes, couldn’t agree more either,
and another is to never undermine His authority over the children,
yep I get that one too, easy;
i watch, and pay attention, and do my best to make sure not to overstep His boundaries.
i know it may happen but i am going to do my hardest to see that it doesn’t;
cuz i don’t even want to go back to get my stuff now as it is but dang, my kid has my van!
Her sorry VW bug she bought is worse than a lemon, didn’t think it possible but it is,
less than six months and the shop has had it seems like more than her.
But this will all get figured out, even if I need to leave her with my van for a while till we can figure it out.
i need to make sure things are tied up
*no pun intended* at the house.
See to it that her new roommate is all ready to move in, they get the finances in order, etc….
when does a momma ever get to stop worrying? NOW!!!!!!!!!! time for the kid to grow up, and learn to respect the fact that mom needs to live her life, and that it's not all about her.
Well journal, i am about beat to the bone,
i can hear my bed calling me from here in the living room,
*does a happy dance*
g’night
*blows Shujin a kiss* |
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Tiz that time again journal,
I’m back.
Lol
This morning Sir and i talked about what i had already experienced in the TPE life,
Well like i told Sir, it’s going to be baby steps for me;
as my previous relationships were vanilla with kink;
i have so much to learn,
and gladly Sir is going to be my guide; taking me through these steps,
and will mold me as He wishes me to be, showing me exactly the way He wants things done just as it should be, these are the types of things that i always felt were missing in my life, I had been feeling something was seriously missing when i read some of the others journals, and read up on the lifestyle, i felt that something was amiss but didn’t know until Sir explained it to me.
I am eager to learn about much more about the TPE life,
and will hopefully absorb everything like a sponge to water.
Ok, journal it’s time i got busy again;
things to finish before Sir comes home again.
But i’ll be back.
lol
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wow what a hard time getting to bed last night,
i kept remembering that i didnt do one thing or another,
had to get back up out of the bed so that it was done.
lol
my silly backside was dragging today,
it took forever to wake up,
i fell asleep outside on the porch one minute i was reading,
and the next i was waking up thinking, ut oh lol i fell asleep and coffee isnt prepared.
beat feet into the house got that done, did some laundry and other stuff.
Sir took us all out for what was to be a nice meal out, but the food was let me say,
less than what was expected,
but He took us all for ice cream after dinner,
which rocked!
butterscotch sundaes are the bomb..
*giggles*
then it was home to the pool,
but it was too chilly for me to get in the water.
but i had a blast seeing Sir relaxed,
and chilling with the kids.
i think overall,
we all had fun after dinner.
i enjoy my time here,
and cant wait to be here on a fulltime basis,
to be with Sir and His family is an awesome feeling of love,
i feel like i belong,
but as per usual am afraid to mess up.
Not afraid so much that i will get into trouble,
but more that it will dissapoint Him,
but as He has reminded me many a time,
i am learning and that this is my first real D/s relationship.
the things that Sir wants me to learn, He will show me and it is going to be done,
as He wishes it to be,
He will teach me how i am to do it,
His way and not how i would normally do it.
it's like baby steps for me in an adult body,
learning to redo things over as Sir wishes it to be done.
eye opening experience to say the least learning that there was way more than i had ever thought there could be.
i get my morning kisses, providing that i am up,
lol
need to work on that sleep pattern thing, but i think it's not being in my bed thats making the difference.
rambled enough here,
am off like a cheap prom dress on prom night,
lol
night journal
*smiles* |
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i have so very much to learn here from my Sir,
i only hope to be a worthy student,
and to do my Sir proud,
i wish to be the kind of girl
that He wishes to have,
i strive daily to do my very best,
sometimes i will falter,
and at those times i hope to be lifted up,
shown my error,
and taught the correct way.
i have never been lucky enough to be a full time girl for a Sir.
so far i have learned that it is so much more than even i could have hoped for.
to be in Sirs service 24/7.
i feel very content to be here with Him.
*sighs*
am a happy girl right now!
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today has been a very long day,
or the continuation from yesterday.
i don't remember which.
lol
having a Sir to take care of,
and to do for is an awesome feeling,
to feel needed, wanted, and loved, a part of the family unit,
*sighs*
{and not just for the jump into the bed kind of taking care of my Sir.}
"not saying there is a thing wrong with doing that kind o service."
i am learning what it like everyday to be in service to my Sir.
i have been looking for this for so very long,
and now,
i have been found, by my Sir.
*Thank You Sir* |
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oh how a lil girls life can change in an instant, i had heard it said before,
but never knew that it was true.
my life now is so much different,
i am
"serving"
finally,
it is NOT all about what happens in a bedroom, or wherever.
i had a feeling that my Sir would teach me the finer points of this lifestyle,
and it wasnt about grabbing my body parts and saying this is mine now.
it is so much more,
so much that it's kinda blowing my mind.
Sirs family has opened their hearts and home to me,
i was afraid that His wife wouldnt like me,
knew that the kids wouldnt be a challenge as most kids i get to be around think i am kewl.
but tonight i was given the warmest embrasing hug from the Mrs. i felt my heart melt as she held onto me in a sweet hug.
i am a part of His family.
Loved by Him, accepted by all and i will cherrish that feeling
every day.
to anyone else that reads this, and you know who you are.
YES, my God will judge me, but not for what you think. HE will judge me for the wrongs that i have done against HIM, not for hurting your feelings, i am through, ended, over, fini, final,
i dont know how many other ways to say, you,
and
i
are
DONE!!!!!! |
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dis lil girl is dancing around doing a very happy lil girl dance,
tomorrow i am going on a road trip, to uncharted territory, places unknown to only a select few, one being me, and the other a very special Sir,
in going on this journey i hope with all that i am,
and with all that i can possibly be,
that He will allow me to join His family, something i never saw myself doing,
but in talking to Him at great length,
between texting, the phone conversations, and the computer
our conversations have spaned the gammit of this lifestyle,
what it means to Him,
what i will be for Him,
and what it will mean for me to be his.
i feel that this is right,
and i feel that i will be able to prove myself worthy of His love,
His time,
His patience,
and in giving myself to Him fully
i know that i will become whole finaly
for once in my life.
i will be loved
*sheads a happy tear, or a million*
i am a happy lil girl to have been chosen by Him!
Thank You Sir S.
You know who You are,
*kisses* |
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thank You Josh Turner for an absofreakinglutely beautiful song.
Would You Go With Me
Would you go with me if we rolled down streets of fire
Would you hold on to me tighter as the summer sun got higher
If we roll from town to town and never shut it down
Would you go with me if we were lost in fields of clover
Would we walk even closer until the trip was over
And would it be okay if I didn't know the way
If I gave you my hand would you take it
And make me the happiest man in the world
If I told you my heart couldn't beat one more minute without you, girl
Would you accompany me to the edge of the sea
Let me know if you're really a dream
I love you so, so would you go with me
[Instrumental]
Would you go with me if we rode the clouds together
Could you not look down forever
If you were lighter than a feather
Oh, and if I set you free, would you go with me
If I gave you my hand would you take it
And make me the happiest man in the world
If I told you my heart couldn't beat one more minute without you, girl
Would you accompany me to the edge of the sea
Help me tie up the ends of a dream
I gotta know, would you go with me
I love you so, so would you go with me
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anyone in the raleigh smithfield benson area of NC want a puppy?
i have a lil Jack Russell mix, thought she had a home actually kept her for a girl and she came back and told my daughter her mom said no to having the puppy, we named her ally, she's beautiful been wormed, will worm her one more time before she goes, but she really needs a new mommy and or daddy, her birthdate is April 15th, 2010 |
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well, got about three hours of sleep, maybe i need a Dom to tell me to go to bed, lol
because i just cant seem to get my backside to bed when its a decent time. *sighs*
i hate this non sleeping thing, but oh man that movie was awesome!!!
maybe tonight i will try and set a time for my butt to be in bed, and stick to it.
lol
yeahhhhh
rightttttttttttt
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New favorite movie
not just because i think Sandra Bullock is like the best actress or anything, but this one really knocked my socks off in how well it was acted out, and a real charachter was portrayed. If Y/you haven;t see.
The Blind Side
Fanfreakingtastic movie!
i strongly recomend it. a good family film and heart touching as well.
*sighs*
now i can sleep
lol
says the insomniac!!!! |
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siredom....... He's added Yet ANOTHER profile, WOW
rdlqaz..... and
domqqq
same ermmmmm... person
not a very nice one either.. btw He writes to people.! |
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Oh man i am so hungry,
had a few eggs for breakfast,
nothing in the house to eat,
guess a few slices of cheese will hold me till the morning,
i'll be glad to have food in the house some time in the future,
sheeeesh it sux being without food,
but i can stand to loose a few pounds,
yay,
but no fun doing it this way,
*gets me some cheese to go with my whine*
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ok, anyone that doesnt like the little typo looking things that happen when you use an apostrophe,,,, dont use the little buggers, they are screwed up, and mess up your entries!
just a lil help |
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HA,,, a nap,,,, that didnt happen, head is still thumpin but, life goes on, and so do i
so yay me!!! |
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dis lil subbie has had a headache for the past five days, i think it's a CRH, but only time and a good ole fashioned ,,, well never mind,lol
am gonna put my subbie but to bed for a spell
maybe i can ditch it for a while.
*kisses*
ni nite |
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*poly*
interesting concept when one does not have to be bi, aka a lickalottapuss
interesting indeed, yep yep yepp |
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OK i was corrects by "Former Daddy" in a PM that i did not answer,
i was permitted to trim my hair, but just a little, dont want to be accused of beeing a liar.
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gotten just two comments about my hair, keep the length, but give it a trim,
thats about all i wanted to do anyway,i was forbidden from even trimming it before,
so i think i will trim it tonight. |
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am thinking about cutting my hair, anyone wish to give me their opinion?? Please?? |
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arguements through e-mail are rarely anything but annoying,
but the closing of that chapter of my life was coming for quite some time, when i realized that it would not go to something more permanent, i , should have ended it them but the needyness won out, i needed to be wanted, but now i have to put my needs for love on the back burner, lick my wounds and heal.
after i do, watch out world because i will take it on with a vengence, this lil girl is not getting any younger,
lol |
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lifes decissions never make others happy, but they are neccessary to grow.
this said, a big life decission made, being single again is what i need, and am OK with that. |
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pissed Daddy off big time,
i told Him that i got asked out to lunch by a married Dom,
1,) i DO not do married men!
2.) i never go out anywhere!
3.) HE should trust me!
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
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rdlqaz..... and
domqqq
same ermmmmm... person
not a very nice one either.. btw He writes to people.! |
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lets say, my profile says that i am NOT interested in three legged aliens, ok, that means to me,, that i dont wish to be getting down and dirty with any three legged aliens, it doesnt mean to me however that if a three leged alien were to ask me to speak, aka CHAT with them, that i would get my panties in a wad because i wasnt looking to DO that three legged alien, sheeesh people, W/we are still HUMANS! act like a HUMAN and at least be civil, so chat with someone, good gravy! just make it known that you are still not interested in them, but chatting is talking.! |
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Ok,
listen up all Y/you peoples out there in CM world,
i am gonna be a Pro subbie!
yep i said it
i am gonna be the best pro subbie that CM has ever seen
so,,,
i want my house cleaned,
yard mowed,
dishes washed,
toes painted,
and all my bills paid,
then i can eat bon bons.
and i will submit to You,
over the phone,
no cams!
yeah yeah
thats the ticket...
come on all you subbies that need things done and you dont wanna do it.
lets start the pro subbie movement..
*rolls eyes*
as IF this would work...
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
right
oh yeah i need a new GPS so i can find my head it's up my butt apparently...
*snickers* |
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maybe its me, (i doubt it)
but,
what ever happened to friends and family treating the birthday........
errrrrrrrrrrm.........
person (keeping this gender netural) to all the gifts and goodies that they wanted for their birthday,
OH,,,,,,
and can someone please tell me what exactly phone domination is?
do you get on the high heel boots and latex corset,,,,, or leather pants and white button down shirt,,,,, and tell the phone what to do?
oh and while im on a roll.......
what the heck is up with someone posting to their ex,
about how their now dominant is charging them to do their laundry,,,,,, or clean the house...
and that the total is over a couple of grand? uhmmm..
gee im confuzzled here,
i just dont get this fairy tale land some of
these people are living in,
i dont and i wish that i did,
(well maybe i am better off not knowing on second thought)
i understand my kink isnt your kink
yadda, yadda,yadda,
but sheesh,,,,,,,
at least my kink is real
(as in)
it can be felt,
when the flogger or paddle touches my skin i feel it!,
when the hand of my Dominant touches my skin i can feel His warmth!,
i can see the love,
admiration,
caring,
and yes sometime irritation,
or dissapointment in His eyes.....
not a cold hard telephone telephone with a voice telling me,
i want you to do such and such to yourself, youve been naughty,
lol as if!!!!!,
OH.......
and when i do service it sure isnt so i can owe my Dominant money,
its because i need to do the service,
i want to do it,
or i have been told to do it.
simple as that!
thats my world
and i am happy living in it,
because i get it,
i understand it,
and i cherish it,
the other stuff,,,,
ftttttttttttttttttttttttttttt..
sorry i just dont get it,
and ill bet a bag of donughts that i am not alone. |
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 GEMINI:
You've got to take things to a new level today and it's easier than ever! You may find that your social energy is driving you in a new direction, so follow up on that and see where it leads |
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Finally this lil girl is feeling like a human again,
and getting better,
at some point i was running a high enough fever that i didnt have a clue what was going on around me,
i slept and slept,
only woke for a sip of juice and more advil for the aches and pains,
still have a headache but thats always there,
just a lil worse now,
still eatting advils to help with the brain pain.
Missed out on seeing my Daddy cuz i was sick, *sighs*
hate it when that happens,,,,,
dernnit. |
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woke up yesterday feeling like i had a soccor ball lodged in the back of my throat, it hurts to pick my head up off my pillows, so am all propped up just so i can read e-mails and messages.
*sighs*
i do dislike being ill,
it's no fun and i dont have anyone to cuddle with me right now. |
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wonders if people get twisted because a submissive has the nerve to speak to them even if she has a Daddy, just to comment on a post made by them,,, i have to wonder because someone that i "contacted" just as a friendly comment mind you, has now made another entry that he is not to be cotacted by any "not his words" chunky chicks with Doms" LOL
how flippin uptight can people get? and then they whine because no one contacts them,,,LOL
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roflmao,,,,
to the tribute happy errrr,,, members of CM
here's a lil hint of... well,,,, see for yourselves...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1VXRdyeqYNo&feature=player_embedded |
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being a mature woman and knowing that women do not come into themselves quite as early as men do, i find it oh so interesting that there are so many 19 to 20 something Dom's/Domme's on here,
i mean OMG at that age i was still finding out what really tripped my triggers and it wasn't boys my age, thats for certain,
and when i did come into myself as it were....
Oh dear Lord above,
the sky rockets that went off,
the rings of stars around my head every time i had an orgasm that nearly raised the roof,
what a joyful thing to have happen,
yeah i had good sex,
almost all sex is good,
but there is fanfreakingtastic sex too,
thats what i am talking about,
when sky rockets go off, your toes curl and you cant breathe or utter a single word for minutes after,
thats fanfreakingtastic sex.
sorry girls and boys in the lil kiddie age groups, you havent a clue yet,
live a little,
learn lots,
and have fun with it. |
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still dealing with feeling icky but i think i am getting a lil better, my head feels like someone has it in a vice which is less than plesant to say the least.
on another note...
why arent there any over eager house/yard slaves begging to do work in North Carolina?
i mean sheesh, a good lil girl like me could use a slave to help out around the house. being handicapped and on the meds i am on i cant get the lawn finished before it starts growing again and man is it agrivating to say the very least. soooooo if there are any really eager slaves male or females interested in doing housework or yardwork just to be helpfull and appreciated more than icewater on a hot summer day, contact me because i sure could use the help.
pattay |
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grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....
dont feel good today
all i wanna do is be cuddled and held today
:( |
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GEMINI: Your hopes and desires are floating closer to the surface today -- though that is true for almost everyone! You may want to try a little discretion when it comes to voicing your needs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*thinks, go figure a lil girl having discretion when voicing her needs?* |
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GEMINI: You need to sequester yourself away for a bit and let that potent mental energy wander freely. You may find a new wrinkle to an old problem -- one that frees you up in a major way.
interesting, velly velly interesting, lol |
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my father is in the hospital finally getting intravienous fluids, and being fed via tube feeding, so i know he's getting nutrition, they put him on blood thinners thinking that he may have a blood clot causing the chest pains that he is having, because it's not his heart, i am feeling better now that he's agreed to go into the hospital but still want to get to see him soon, anyone wanna send me to NJ?
lol
yeah right, people pay for pro dommes but to help out another human being they dont know, as if that would ever happen in my lifetime, not gonna hold my breath for any strangers to help me. may have to sell off jewelry and other stuff tho, still workin on it. and keeping my hopes up that he will get better and no worse. 5 years is a long time to go without seeing a parent. it really is starting to bother me that i havent seen him in so long. |
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GEMINI:
Have you been waiting for someone new to cross your path? Your energy is attracting all sorts of wildly different individuals your way, so you can expect to have some interesting conversations today.
interesting, velly velly interesting,,,lol |
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it was a bad night to say the least, i dont think i could have cried anymore if i had tried to, my eyes were burning so bad i had to leave my contacts out for the night. My father has Dr appointments the begining of this week and if he doesn't start to eat my stepmom is having him put into the hospital, and tube fed, not what anyone wants but she said he is starving himself he's lost 10lbs in a week. This is the same man that i used to look up at so high in the sky when i was a lil girl, and he's wasting away to nothing, i am so afraid to see him that it's not funny and still trying to figure out how to get there and when to go, my daughter wants to see him as well so i dont know what to do.
someone that has the answers let me know what i am supposed to do please! |
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got a phone call this afternoon that i've known was coming, but thought if i ignored ot, maybe it wouldn't happen, it seems as my father who used to be 250 lbs in the prime of his life has now wasted away to less than half of his former self, and at a very tall 6'2" i am so afraid that when i see him, i wont even know my own dad. i have cried so hard today and given myself such a headache it's unreal, i still have to tell my daughter and thats going to be one of the hardest things to do, she saw him last Christmas and he had looked bad then, and has even lost more weight since then, he's not eatting has no appetite and no matter what my poor stepmom does he won't eat, he sounded so weak on the phone i am so dang afraid of losing my father but he's 83 and i know he can't live forever but why?????? why?????????????????????????
this hurts so bad, i am just now coming to terms with things that happened when i was a kid, this isn't fair, i want to spend some time with my dad, to get to know him.
i am really hurting |
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*edited earlier snarl*
*breathes in, breathes out*
ahhhhhhh
so much better,
dis lil girls feathers got ruffled at somethin said to her but was reminded that it's an internet site, and well,, people are just that
people, who have faults, and well, maybe not the greates of manners.
*smiles*
there thats better
i think! |
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Tucker Lake, ahhh what a nice place it is to visit and some lucky family gets to actually live there, there's a ton of sand although a bit rougher sand than i am accustomed to at a beach, there's diving boards off of docks, and a trapeze thingy makes ya look like Tarzan, lol,, small slides for the kiddies, medium slides for the middles, and a whopper of a water slide for anyone thats into it, the water was so warm all i missed was the soap and shampoo, lol
my neighbor was the one who actually invited me to go along with her and their friends, and Anthony a nice friend of theirs saw me in the sun and came and put up an umbrella for me getting me out of the sun, untill the sun started moving and getting hotter, i was instructed by Daddy "Don;t get burned" so i moved up to the picnic table area under the pin oaks and massive pine trees, there are BBQ grills at the picnic area, and everything is so clean it was quite impressive, and all this, just 10 minutes from my door, how lucky can a lil girl be?
*smiles*
i had a great day!!!!!
Hopes dat her Daddy is feeling better by time He reads this too
*kisses Him* |
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*smiles the sweetest lil girl smile that i can*
this lil girl had the most incredible afternoon, evening, and morning with her Daddy,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
cloud nine has nutthin on how i feel today, W/we talked about stuff, sat and had dinner, laughed, and cuddled, among other things,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*blushes*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i value every moment that i get to spend with my Daddy and relish the next time i will get to be with Him, and be in His arms again,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i loves Him so much i think that my chest will burst wide open every time i think about it.
my feeling are so deep that sometimes i scare myself, and am afraid that i may scare Him away, but He's not going anywheres so i guess i don't scare Him
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*smiles*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
needs to work on the vicious lil subbie act?
lol
nah
i found that i likes being a good girl for Daddy,
and also figured out that good behaviour gets good reactions,
bad behaviour,
uhmmmm NOT so much,
and i don't like very much the bad spankings, oh no,,,
*shakes head*
nope nope nope,
i like them good ones though
*grinz hard*
not the only thing that i do hard when...
oh uhmmm,
hushes...
okie gonna quit while i'm ahead and before i open my mouth n get into trouble. :) |
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ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....................
finally gots some sleep last night and most of this morning, i feel oh so much better,
just need to get my face back in shape cuz i hit the perverbial wall that you hit after not sleeping for quite some time.
*gigglez* |
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i cant count how many nights i have not slept,
i am working on raw nerves and tears on the emotional rollycoaster and i dunt like it,, *cries*
thum boddy take me off diss ride peas!!!!!
*cries*
i dunt wanna ride dis rollycoaster no mores |
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and yet another sleepless night in
North Carolina,,,
*sighs*
this is getting to be really really old fast!!!
if i don't figure out why i am not sleeping i may just have to result to drastic measures,,,
*looks at the 4x4 sitting next to the bed*
*grinz*
the 2x4 didn't work, so maybe,,,,,,,
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puppies are ready to go!! GO i say GO!!!
i have 4 pups left three already promised out, just looking for a lil to recover cost for the wear and tear on the washer n dryer, i dont use newspaper i use towels because i dont wanna be tossing out a billion pounds of paper and poop into the landfill,,,lol so maybe forty a pup? they are Jack Russell mix, momma is the mix, Daddy is a Jack that one of my other dogs gave birth to and he hooked up with her at the neighbors house,lol give the neighbor a puppy and i get seven in return!
OY VEY!!!!!
so, contact me if Y/you want a puppy please, am near Raleigh and can provide pictures. |
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Just gonna walk out on a fine line here and ask what the big deal is with people getting all peeved at others for stupid stuff, like who blocks someone because they dont reply to a person within a certain time period? and why get all defensive if someone from timbuctoo contacts you? so be it... be polite,,, goodness people, this isnt rocket science, just be nice, is it really that difficult to learn to converse? learn the art of conversation with other human beings, granted if that person crosses some line insisting that you have their baby or that you donate to their personal sperm bank and thats not your bag of tricks then by all means say so, but for goodness sake people be civil to one another! |
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*spins on her cracker*
weeeeeeeeeee heeeeeeeee heeeeeeeeeeee
i have my new laptop yay me,,, yay me,,,
no more trying to chat via my telephone internet every day and wearing down the battery in a manner of an hour,,
yay me yay me!!!
*does da happy dance*
la la la la la la la.....
oh,,, guess what,,,
hehehehe
i'm a tickled lil girl right now, can You tell??
**Kisses Daddy smack dab on His lips** |
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wishes i had my ambien to help me sleep, i hate it when the Dr. wont call in my meds, grrrrrrrrrr
out of my lyrica too, not gonna be a happy camper come monday morning with burning feet from nerve pain,
*slams head into the wall*
oh wait, lol
that was my pillow
lol
doh me,
ni ni CM |
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 i am gonna try it again,,, wish me luck! |
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went to bed earlier and woke up hearing a dog whining, will be very glad to sell these puppies, got two males and five females and am doing more laundry keeping them clean than i do for myself in a week, good gravy and people want ya to just give em a pup, i dont breed but i have full blooded jack russell terriers and dang if they arent a handful to deal with! |
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had a real nice uneventful birfday, it was quiet.
started the day before,
the neighbor giving me cash told me "go get you a pool", it's a nice lil blow up type with the cup holders on the sides
so now i gotta get the grass cut low where i wanna place it,
then my kid walked in barely awake muttering happy birthday,
i went back to sleep cuz she took care of the dogs this moanin
YAY TEAM!
next mom called woke me up n sang Happy Birthday, then it was my sisters turn with her lil girl, then my brother, and by now ryan went to the store and got me a movie, a balloon, a beautiful card and a pair of baby blue panties,
lol too big but dangg~it~all they were purty... :*~
but perhaps my most cherished gift of all and i had a few other gifts here and dere, was my......
Daddy's call wishing me Happy Birthday, i felt pretty dern special, hearing Him in person meant more than i can even say, and i think He's coming to understand more what makes me tick, in a good way, lol i guess, lol, lord i hope!! |
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was wondering why?
when i looked in the mirror this moanin,
i had keyboad impressions on my face and forehead.
*sighs*
shakes her head* |
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thinks i should head to the bed, now that i have the desktop up and working and i dont have to beg to borrow the kids laptop, *sighs*
why does being a parent of an adult have to be so trying?
had enough tears today to last me a week or four, so am not gonna get all weepy again.... dont think i have any tears left anyways...
calgon take me away, PLEASE!!!!! |
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i;m getting real tired of going to bed hungry waking up hungry,, grrrrrrrrrrrrr
being hungry sucks |
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mm eatting applesauce because thats about all i can find to eat, grrrrrr, everyone is getting to BBQ but me,,,
oh well.
editied for filtering..... |
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it's been one of those weeks where i spend most of it in the bed not because i want to or because i have someone keeping me there,,, i wish!!
my back has had me in such pain i can't begin to describe but then we have had rain nearly every day much needed but i would like to be able to stop the muscle relaxers and see the outside world again someday soon!!!!
i hope to be getting a new laptop soon maybe two weeks,, keeps fingers crossed.. i miss having my own laptop right now i am counting on the errrrr kindness yeah thats it the kindness of my daughter to allow me the usage of her laptop,,, *sighs*
little do they forget that everything they ever owned until they turned 18 came from mommy and daddy sometimes..lol but mostly mommy
OH.... she came home from work today with a pit bull puppy said here mom watch this i will find it a home,,, meanwhile her dog thinks it's a snack too..... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr says mom! |
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i need to figure out how to keep my mouth and flippin fingers from getting me into trouble, i think of it as teasin, and oh grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
i just need to shuddup,
*gnaws on tennis ball* |
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pulled my back out dealing with the dogs have to lift the momma up and put her in the pack n play so she can be in with her babies, they are three weeks by now and growing bigger every day.
my daughter finally gave in and allowed me to use her laptop wow,,, nice kid i got huh???
found out the freeloader of a friend she's had staying here is moved back home because i scare him,,,, lol,,,, too funny!!!!!!!!!!
I am tired of being in bed but thats the best place for me with my back the way it is, i could barely walk yesterday and breathing hurt too.. today it's better so i know that things will be getting better soon, have a dental appointment on friday and i am hoping to go to my moms this weekend, my aunt is coming for a visit and i want to see her and my cousins, yay!!!
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rain rain go away, please dont come back for many a day!!
this weather has gotten me down,
between wanting sleep,
and pain from my back,
i've seen enough rain for a while,
i'm really over this weather,
and not having my own computer too,
grrrrrrrrrr....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
on a different note:
anyone know how to replace a motherboard in a HP laptop,
and live in the Raleigh area,
and wanna do it for real cheap,
this lil girl and her Daddy whom shes not getting to spend time with online would appreciate it greatly. |
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my time with Daddy was wunnerful,,,,
even though there was a punishment to be dealt with,
it's over, and done with,
and i thank Daddy for caring enough for me and about me to take the time to teach me and,
yes,
to even punish me for things that i do that are less than submissive like,
He's helping me to learn patience,
and to think before i say something,
or write it even,
too often my mind has a quick answer for things that come up,
things that would in my first reaction get a rather snippy comment, (so not subbie like)
so now i am to take the time to think before i say it, or write it, go over in my head is this going to get me into hot water with Daddy,
let me just say, NOT EASY for me to do!!
but well worth my time to do
thinking before i engage my mouthand get myself into trouble, will save me from looking less like the good lil girl to my Daddy than i want to, i want Him to look at me and see the improvement in me to see the growth in my being, growth not only in my submission is on Daddy's mind but growth in my education, i am thinking that it would be hard to further my education and go after a BA in office management, but i am told to look at this as a goal of mine,
*more later* not feeling good right now.. :( |
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dunno how to calm down,
He's coming today and it's time to pay the piper so to speak,
scared,,, yes
nervous,,, uhmmmm yes
worried,, no
because i know He would never "harm" me
it may hurt,
but it wont harm me
so i guess i'd better get back to stuffin my panties ;)
as if that would make a difference,,,,
lol
NOT
i know Him, and stuffin the panties would just get a chuckle and a swift crack on my butt... so,
gotta go get the room ready cclean up etc, change the bed again
sheesh feels like i just did that too..lol
guess thats what i get for allowing my pup to snuggle up in bed with me,,
sandy sheets!
lol
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You know ya just gotta giggle at some of the journals on here,
really they make me either laugh or cringe, but back to the laughable ones,
isnt this supposed to be a journal where thoughts and feelings go,
or is it the want ads,
the rules book
or the socails column?
sometimes i read through journals because you never know when some like minded individual may be feeling down hearted depressed or alone, and on the other hand they may be on top of the world over joyed and just going to burst wide open if they dont get it out in the open, thats what i thought a journal was,
not,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RULES,
1. You will obey SIR I NAMED MY SELF LORD THY GOD.. etc
or
WANTED: subbie by day slut by night ads...
oh and the best ones are the,
If you want to see me naked on cam go to www.hornydumbwhore.com
to put money in my account.
i dunno,
i just dunno,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*walks back to her pillow and blankie and sits back to watch the insanity of it all. |
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*sighs*
so many people wanna know what the lil girl did to get into trouble, and even got offered help with punishment, wow how uhmmm sweet?
lol
butt seriously i will get punnished for my mistake, and it will be done by my Daddy, so there's no need for all the help from the caring Dominants out there,lol
and besides Daddy dosent share me with anyone anyways :)
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i wish that patience came within a persons head,
i wish it wasn't something that we have to learn,
i wish i had never done some things that i have,
but had i not done the dumb things that i have,
i would not have learned all that i have,
and had i not done the things that were wrong,
how would i ever grow to learn that it was wrong? |
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my momma Jack Russell mix, had her pups last night 8 in total, but sadly one didn't make it, she must have been exhausted so early this morning when she finally delivered them all that she didn't tend to it's needs,
*sighs*
Nature took it's course.
So now we have 2 lil boys and 5 girls,
oy vey when they start getting to walking stage is all i can say,
her last litter was of 6 and that was all i could do to keep head count of them all, we have the sweetest pups because (she) the momma is a Jack mix,
and she isn't hyper, her pups for the most part do tend to take after her, we have a brother and a sister from her last litter that we kept, they are not hyper at all,
the litter before that one, we kept one female,
she like most females is nosey so she thinks she is missing out on something outside of our fence,
so she's learned to tunnel like they did in the German prisoner camps,
she tunnels her way out just as fast as i block up one hole she's got another one in the works, and cutting off her paw paws did occur to me, but i kinda nixed that idea, dont need to have a dog in a doggie wheel chair just because she's a digger,
maybe she'll find oil or gold? perhaps a ruby or a diamond,or maybe an emerald on her digging expeditions. who knows?
lol
so anyone thats local to Raleigh and wants a pup, just give me a holler, i do sell them but just for what i have in them so anywhere between $50 and $75 a pup,
and
i do check to make sure that you will love my grandbabies.
*smiles*
*hops off her proud Grandma soap box* |
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To get something you never had,
you have to do something you never did.
When God takes something from your grasp,
He's not punishing you,
but merely opening your hands to receive something better.
The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.
"Amen" |
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Patience,,,
*sighs*
not a strong suit of mine, but through many errors on my part, i am learning to have said ellusive trait.
Nothing worth while is ever easy, why is that i wonder?
no fair, but then again a fair is where a lil girl gets cotton candy
NOT life! |
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Mother's Day, eh just another day in paradise here, nothing new, same' ole same ole...
Two more days and the kid turns 23 and she still depends on me for everything regardless of her admitting that or not, she lives under my roof, but respect,,, HA! good one!!
i failed her somewhere, in thinking that i could have the relationship i had wanted with my mom, one where we could say anything, talk about anything cry together and laugh together, well, not so much, i do cry, but alone, it's not what i wanted to have with her, it saddens me to the very core of my being to have my daughter disrespect me in the ways that she does, it hurts to every inch of my being and she doesn't see the hurt she imposes, she only see's me when i blow up loose my self control and loose it all, then and only then does she see me, i get a half hearted apology and then it's back to the same ole stuff, and thats if i get an apology which is rare in it's self, i see the other kids her age, her friends, i have gone so far as to ask them, do you speak to your mother that way, the look on their faces says volumes, they answer me with a swift shake of the head and a no maam, i never asked my kid to maam me, just respect, but, maybe one day, one day she will see that i am not as bad as she thinks, she will come to her senses, this i have to count on, for my sanity's sake i have to hold onto that small bit of comfort that she will come to her senses and know she treated me poorly and mend her ways and our relationship. i know had i treated either of my parents with the disrespect that i have been shown, i would have never been welcomed home again, i was put out of my fathers home, when i was but 14, left to the state to raise because he found a wife that didnt like me and he choose her over me, well long story short, he found out that wives arent all that and a happy meal toy, but your daughter is your blood, i was brought home and lived there until he sold our house at 16 and then i latched onto my first mistake, husband number one, my kid had a place to live even when her father and i split up, i made certain of that, there was the begining of my downfall with her, i left her father, and because she was young and in school, i didnt know where i would be going or how i would feed me let alone my daughter, i left her with him, to find out that later he told her i left her, because i didnt love her, i never knew about this until years later, i hurt so bad i felt like dying would have hurt less, but i convinced her eventually that was not the case, i told her when she was old enough to understand what her father did to make me leave, it wasnt untill then that she belived me, that she understood that i left her in what i thought the best circumstances possible, but yet i still pay for that mistake so long ago to this day, i pay for every decission i have ever made concerning her if it wasnt what she wanted to happen, *sighs*
it hurts, and i needed to get it out.
thanks for letting me unload!
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 did not sleep well last night, have finals this week not a good time not to get my sleep. Yawns,,, i have to wake up and write a paper, not able to wake up yet,,, this kinda bytes, if i fail my final i am never going to graduate this winter. nit cool...
goes back to her bed.
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 after much, and i mean much disscussion about the things that i have done to my Daddy, He and i are going to be working on getting back to where W/we once were, 8 months is a LONG time to just toss away, i need to work on my management skills when it comes to my anger, i need to manage myself in a more productive way. thanks to A/anyone who was there to help me work this out, you know who you are.
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i am so flipping confuzzled anymore i dont know which end is up and which is down.
i seem to keep screwing up no matter what i do, it's wrong some how.
dare i ask how does one ever get it right?
*sighs*
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 just got a sweet compliment
from the girl at the rec center when she checked me in, "You have lost alot of weight"
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this lil girl has done something so dumb and it was done without even thinking of consequences, and i hope that it dosent ruin everything, but perhaps i have, and for that i couldnt be more sorry, if i could wind back the time i would take it back and never do it again. i'm sorry !
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oh i'm just on here reading the random journal entries and rants.
Quite amusing at times, and others, well not so much,
too much whining if i were asked for my opinion,
other than that been doing some reading on as well, reeductating myself about this lifestyle that has so aptly chosen me,
yes it chose me, for it was within my self long before i knew what the initials BDsM stood for, somedays i wonder what if, but those are unusually unproductive thoughts because it always brings me back to here and the life that i have decided to live.
Yeah i decided to embrace the lifestyle rather than to baulk at it, thumb my nose at it or discount it as a whole,
i embrace who i've become.
Who i've become is not a product of abuse when i was a little girl, even though i do identify more as a "lil girl" than anything else, because it is more the nurturing and learning, exploring and the general glee that comes over us lil girls at the mear sight of our Daddy's and their voices on the phone,
that's what exceites me,
not how hard You can whip me with a single tail,
*shakes head*
nope not for dis lil one,
nor is it how many times You can wail me with a 2x4 and still get no bruises,
lol,
ok thats a bit extreme, but Y/you know what i mean.
my joy as a lil girl stems from the aproval of my Daddy!
thats it in a nut shell, no more, no less.
What crushes me?
the disaproving glare,
the tone of His voice when he corrects me, and even before that comes,
the most crushing thing is,
the punishment i seem to impose upon myself when i know that i mess up,
even before He will know about it,
i know what i did and am already banging my head againnst the wall asking myself how could you,
i beat myself harder than i think anyone else could,
but mine is all mental,
the punishment that i would endure for my Daddy is in it's self a whole different entity. because after the punishment is given so then is forgivness,
much harder for a lil one to forgive herself than it is for her Daddys forgivness to be given |
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 OK Here goes again,
i am NOT looking anymore,
off the market,
just chilling here looking to find friends,
so if you want more than that, PLEASE dont bother me,
please! |
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I Dont Wanna Be Alone Anymore
By: Billy Joel
She said she'd meet me in the bar
At the Plaza Hotel
"Wear a jacket and a tie"
"What's the occasion?"
She just smiled and she wouldn't say why
So here I am standing, waiting in the lobby
Sweating bullets in this stupid old suit
And when she sees me she busts out laughing
"You're a sad sight honey, but you look so cute" and
I don't want to be alone anymore
I was checking you out
I was just making sure
No, I don't want to be alone anymore
And, I want you tonight
Although you hurt me before
It didn't matter that I felt like a fool
'Cause I forgot when she walked through the door
I said I'm sorry, but she said it was cool
And I don't want to be alone anymore
It's so confusing choosing sides
In the heat of the moment
Just to see if it's real
It's so erotic having you
Tell me how it should feel
But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts
That I've got to face
So ask me just one question
When this magic night is through
Could it have been just anyone
Or did it have to be you
And, will you still be saying--
I don't want to be alone anymore
I was checking you out
I was just making sure
No, I don't want to be alone anymore
And, I want you tonight
Although you hurt me before
It didn't matter that I felt like a fool
'Cause I forgot when she walked through the door
I said I'm sorry, but she said it was cool
And I don't want to be alone anymore
But, don't you know that it's wrong
It's wrong, it's wrong...
But like the song
Being caught by the wink of an eye
I can't be sure we'll get along
But I'm willing to try
As long as you can tell me--
I don't want to be alone anymore
I was checking you out
I was just making sure
No, I don't want to be alone anymore
And, I want you tonight
Although you hurt me before
It didn't matter that I felt like a fool
'Cause I forgot when she walked through the door
I said I'm sorry, but she said it was cool
And I don't want to be alone anymore
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Honesty
By: Billy JoelIf you search for tenderness
It isn't hard to find
You can have the love you need to live
But if you look for truthfulness
You might just as well be blind
It always seems to be so hard to give
CHORUS
Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honest is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you
I can always find someone
To say they sympathize
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve
But I don't want some pretty face
To tell me party lies
All I want is someone to believe
CHORUS
I can find a lover
I can find a friend
I can have security
Until the bitter end
Anyone can comfort me
With promises again
I know, I know
When I'm deep inside of me
Don't be too concerned
I won't as for nothin' while I'm gone
But when I want sincerity
Tell me where else can I turn
Because you're the one I depend upon |
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Honesty
by: Billy Joel
If you search for tenderness
It isn't hard to find
You can have the love you need to live
But if you look for truthfulness
You might just as well be blind
It always seems to be so hard to give
Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honest is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you
I can always find someone
To say they sympathize
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve
But I don't want some pretty face
To tell me party lies
All I want is someone to believe
I can find a lover
I can find a friend
I can have security
Until the bitter end
Anyone can comfort me
With promises again
I know, I know
When I'm deep inside of me
Don't be too concerned
I won't as for nothin' while I'm gone
But when I want sincerity
Tell me where else can I turn
Because you're the one I depend upon
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WHY???
do some people, pretend that BDsM is a joke or a game to others, just because they choose to look at it that way? sad but oh so try right Jon? oh thats right it's "Sir Jon" right? LOL
too funny if YOU expect me or any intelligent submissive out there to use the word Sir upon the first 30 seconds of a conversation, GROW up dude, and get a grip, no not there, on life, let go of you're little man and be a big boy, and grow up, because YOU put SIR in YOUR profile dont make it so! THAT is earned not a right
just like driving isnt a right, see i will explain it in lil boi terms for the little man, thats right driving isnt a right it's a privelige you have to earn, just as it is NOT youre right to have anyone call you Sir. EARN IT!!!!
*hops back down off her soap box*
**dusts herself off from the wannabe cooties**
and goes back to real life! |
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yeah still feeling like, $*** but when the infection is gone, they can pull the teef, and i can get back to normal, it's all for the better...
so, whats new in You're neck of the woods?
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 <--- too cute,,lol
still feeling icky but hab to go to the dentist tomorrow, dunno what they are going to do to me, and i skered cuz i dont like dentists they hurt lil girls,
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me am not feeling too wunderful today, was eatting something last night and had a tooth break, now i gots a boo boo in my mouth, not a happy lil girl right now :( |
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 *spins and spins and spins*
till i get dizzy n fall down
**giggles**
my cracker just took me for a spin!!!
*giggles some more*
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just cuz a lil one has a dog, dosent mean her dog is anything except a pet to her, in my case expecially, ewwwwwwwwwwww to the person that thought just because i have dogs means that i get off on using them, i know i know to each their own, but littles dont go there!!!!
*shakes head*
nope we dont!! |
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~~~~~~*wipes her widdle brow*~~~~~~~
this lil girl has been berry busy today, got the lawn 2/3 done and that took me most of the day
~~~~~~~~~~~*pouts*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
my John Deer has a flat so i hadda push mow the yard,
*********whew what a workout********* but on the bright side, i got excersize today, and a great start on my summer tan too! |
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*puffs her chest up big*
all finished wiff mah homework for the whole weekend!!
yippeeeeeeeeeeeeee
it's gonna be good to put away the books for two whole days!
**does a cartwheel**
ut oh.....
~~~~~~~~~~~runs off into the other room looking for them panties again~~~~~~~~~~ |
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 *slips in wearing a pink tutu*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
does a twirly and spins all around,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*feels a draft*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*runs n covers her bottom*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ohhhhhhhhhh
thilly subbie forgot her panties again~!~!~!~!~! |
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it's been a long time since i have made an entry here~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
School has had my happy butt hoppin around like a bunny with it's tail on fire, but this too will come to an end soon, butt not soon enough.~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Come August it starts all over again with gusto, and maybe in December if the stars and moon align together, i will have my degree, finally, butt with one little catch, i really want to walk in May and if i graduate in December i cant walk :(~~~~ been giving that some thought and i may try to add some art classed on to my schedule so i finish with a degree and certificate in May, but will have to see if financial aid will pay for another semester.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Well Christmas has come and gone, without any family blowouts so this was a good Christmas
everyone was happy with their homemade Christmas, we had to make the gifts we gave, or embelish them in some way, it was so down to the wire for me that the glue on moms rhinestones on the vest i gave her was still tacky, lol had to wrap it in foil so the paper didnt get stuck to the glue.I am going to start right after the tree and everything is away for next year so i am not killing myself like i di this year, i opaid for that stupidity for about 4 days, and on top of that my hands were so swollen i could just barely pick up a drink,that sucked, but they are back to normal now, and all i need to do is get thru taking the tree down and getting the house back in order, and getting the puppies new homes, oy vey what a chore it is having 6 yapping pups all day and night, i havent had a full night sleep in 5 weeks, this weekend they are going! i hope! lol
i am looking forward to some time wiff Daddy, time to cuddle, and talk, time just to be, be in one anothers arms, be in one anothers company and enjoy U/us as W/we are.
With every day i grow to love Him more and i grow to even like me better, because i am learning how to be a better me, from Him and His example. my language still slips now and then, but it's so much better than it was, i didnt cuss one time at moms, and thats normally a place i just let down my hair and let loose with the mouth, but i didnt, not so much because i know that Daddy frowns on it, but more because i know that i can speak without cussin and it's better all around that way.
Well dogs need in, so later for now Journal, catch ya next year. |
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it's almost Christmas and my home has no decorations up. between the daughter and i neither have the energy to get the stuff out of the storage building and bring it in the house, this sux in a big way, never mind that i wont have any money to buy any presents this year all our gifts are going to be home made, personal and what not, now i know it's not all about the gifts and stuff but i would still like to be able to buy a few any how,, yep thats how i feel, like slammin my head agains somethin hard a few times, maybe it will all go away, lol, i know differently so i dont do it, but i can still feel like i wanna, can't i?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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new lesson learned Saturday while cleaning out my storage building, dont walk backwards if possible cuz i will fall flat on my back, yep thats me, ms titanium spine took another fall and bruised the living daylights outta myself, my legs, my back, you name it, it hurts, just to get through math class today i hadda take 16 mg of dilaudid, and i was still miserable in pain, but i made it through the class and thats what counts,, now weather or not i retained anything from the class has yet to be seen!
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sometimes i amaze myself with things that i learn, so here goes my latest lesson learned.
i was told something that really struck home by a Church member, that Heavenly Father gives us our children to raise, but he never relinqueshed his rights to parent them, or to help raise them,
so, i am giving her back, i have done what i can, i am not going to beat myself up over things that are her's to worry about, it would be different if she came to me and said you know mom this is really..... etc.
but this is not the case. we battle over silly and sometimes stupid things and thats not the relationship i choose to have with my daughter.
i am going to start living my life, yes finally mylife is starting,,,,
theres always going to be a place for her in my home, and in my heart of course, but i am going to live my life without worring how it affects her so much.
Just another facet of motherhood is knowing when NOT to mother, and when to let them flounder.
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starting off new with a new journal.
this is here for me to write in, when i am confused, happy, excited, or down, i write, i do this to get the feelings out so i dont feel like i am going to burst wide open. it is the only way i have been able to get things out and feel better when i am down or depressed about something, and when i am confused it gives me a chance to look back and read what i was feeling and say uh humm,,,, now i understand. but anyways, i am looking foward and not looking back, looking back only leads to issues and i have had enough with issues. it's time i started to live my life for me and so i am happy, not dragging down and sad all the time, i am pulling myself up and moving foward!... |
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| Age: 30 |
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Florida |
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