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| I have been into the BDSM lifestyle for over 10 years. I first started out as a submissive (see journal for more info) but over time I learned to enjoy both roles... the submissive and the dominant roles. If someone were to ask me which one I prefer... my only answer would be that I enjoy both equally depending on who my play partner is.
as far as being submissive goes... i am looking for my Master or a Misress who can help me enjoy my bisexual side... i am nervous and shy about my bisexual side and need a kind and gentle yet demanding and dominant man to help me explore the depth of my submission and my desire to give and receive pleasure.
if you think you are that man... please read my journal to learn more about my likes, dislikes and my limits.
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My first journal entry of a new path to enlightenment...
Most importantly, I would like to share with you my feelings about my bisexual side, my experience to date and my fantasies of my future experiences.
My first real bisexual experience was when I wore the collar of a married woman, my first collar. Her husband was happy with the arrangement because they had what many would define as an open relationship. I often spent the night and on more than one occasion I was given no choice but to orally satisfy the husband of my Mistress while I was there.
At that time... I would have never called myself bisexual and the idea of putting a man's cock in my mouth was not something I really wanted to do. However, I was truly enjoying the feelings of being submissive and following the orders I was given. At first, i did it because i was obligated to serve my Mistress in any way she desired and at that time... it delighted her to have me service her husband while she watched.
His cock was massive and just putting it in my mouth made me choke and gag... but I endured and learned the pleasure of hearing him moan as I learned to get it right and slowly worked on defeating my gag reflex. I never liked the taste of his cum but I loved hearing my Mistress order me to swallow it.
My time in her service ended and I moved on to date women in the vanilla world who would enjoy the kind of kinky three way sex that a bisexual submissive like me could enjoy. Even though those relationships did not endure the test of time, I can say the experiences I had with my Mistress and those women opened my eyes to a new world of sexual exploration.
I learned that I love the feeling of having a cock in my mouth... but I am still too shy to seek a man to give pleasure to. In every scenario I've enjoyed or fantasized about, I've been submissive to him and a girlfriend has brought me to him to serve him. I know that having a man suck my cock does nothing for me. I've given it a chance and it just feels weird, like I should be making him feel good... not the other way around and it just doesn't give me the kind of satisfaction it probably should because I know a mouth is just a mouth from my own experiences with having men fuck my face. It just doesn't work for me... But... when the mood is right and there is a man in front of me with a cock that looks like it just came from a porno shoot... I can lose myself in the feeling of his cock in my mouth and the pleasure he is getting from me when he takes control and tells me what to do without giving me much choice in the matter.
Don't get me wrong... this doesn't mean that I like it rough. I don't like it when a guy holds my head and forces me down or thrusts his hips into my skull to gag me on purpose. I like a man who is so alpha that he knows what he can have and demands it with the authority given to him by that strength but does it in a way that shows that his still respects and appreciates my servitude.
I don't look at men in public and see a sexual object or a potential experience. I rarely find myself looking at men and wondering if his dick is big enough to satisfy my need to challenge myself. However, I do find myself commenting on "hunky" men that most women would find attractive... some movies stars for example. I know that I definitely prefer the idea of being with guys that have athletic bodies over men who have "let themselves go".
I don't feel like I am "gay"... meaning that I don't feel like I have the drive to "date" a man and be his boyfriend... to share life together and build a future. But... I do feel the urge to find a dominant man who will make me his personal fuck toy. A man who would make me into a sex slave and push the limits of my bisexuality to see how much I can handle.
So far... I've had the pleasure of going down on a few guys once or twice during some hot experiences with women who have come and gone. But... those experiences have always been few and far between. I find myself curious about how much I could handle?
How many times could I suck his cock in one month, in one week, in one day... before I hit my limit? Do I have a limit? How much do I really enjoy sucking his cock if I had to do it on a regular basis and not just a few special occasions when the girls in my life were feeling naughty?
I have a fantasy of pushing that limit and wonder how much I enjoy it and then how much I can take if I stop enjoying it. What would happen if I got a text from my Master once a week demanding that I host him and service him. What if it was twice a week? More? What if he visited me every time he even thought about reaching for the lube to stroke his own cock? How many times could I be forced to be his little slut and suck his cock before I was begging for a break? How long would I have to beg for a break before I was given one?
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