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At my core I'm a sometimes shy sometimes bratty loner and math science geek who is trying to find her way and deal with who I am and what I feel and assimilate my past into the present in a way that makes me feel less broken, or that accepts and embraces my brokenness, or makes sense at least of my desires and my experiences. Somewhere between Descartes and De Sade, or equal parts both. '
I'm confident about my ability to learn but it doesn't lead me to peaceful satisfying places or to feelings of self worth or ecstatic release. I''m not confident about anything but being a good student. I'm better at equations than finding balance or at communicating.
Some of you though are very frank about the links between the abuse I endured when I was young and submission and slavery. I see that, I've been thoroughly beat up mentally about it by a therapist, and I know from groups that abuse babies like me end up fucked up more often than not. I'm trying to deal with that in a way that is healthy but accepts i will never be normal or vanilla. I do read obsessively and that is a topic i am focused on. but my physical self responds SO FUCKING strong to everything involving power and kink now, and to deny that would put me back on a self-destructive path, I truly believe that.
1. I feel more myself around older people. I clam up and get self-conscious around my peers. I'm the quiet mousy girl everyone ignores and I want that. But with grown adults I just can talk and feel less judged and more open and also laugh and something comes free inside me.
2. My mother was a slave but made bad choices, the worst being collared by my evil stepdad. He even twisted his moustache like an evil villain. He was much more horrible to my mom than to me. But my mom was there on her own will. I was taught and trained when I had no idea what that meant and i just wanted to be loved and instead...well I won't go into details.
3. I'm in college. Four semesters. I'm on the honor roll. I can't believe everyone else isn't on it too. Right now I'm a math major with a physics minor. I love to read but suck at lit classes because I argue to much with the premises.
4. I was re-introduced to the lifestyle by an experienced man who I shared my story with, but only after we were intimate and only after he asked questions and said he picked up on signals. We were involved more than a year. I saw him regularly but not a lot...it might be twice a week or twice a month. I could never be his fulltime. I try not to see him now but sometimes I do. He doesn't know I'm here. He knows i want to be with someone else. But he opened me to accepting my true self and accepting that what happened to me happened, and it is part of my DNA now. I am now into it being consensual, even if the consent starts and stops with me saying i'm your slave and leave the rest to you. For life.
5. Being a big reader i read a lot about BDSM, way beyond Shades and O and Anne Rice. It is what I think is my destiny for me, for many reasons, not just because of my past. It's where I fit in to the world and what I'm attracted to. Going on a dinner movie date is hellish to me. I don't really connect to people my age and often feel out of place in peer situations.
6. The idea of an authorative, parental type dominant sends me off into flights of fantasy and desire. I am trying to stay open minded but I believe Daddy/Mommy/Parental dominant figures would work for me. Dont judge please.
7. I'm shy at times, bratty and moody and opinionated at other times. I love movies, books, music, art, creativity but not cineplex action chickflick or best sellers (with some exceptions...say "Beautiful Creatures" series).
8. I am a loner but when I make a connection, friend or lover, I am clingy like saran wrap. I'm needy squared. That is part of why I am alone, I know i scare people off at times. So I don't try much until i know the person wants me to be theirs.
9. I have had destructive phases and bad habits. I am on meds, the diagnosis changes by whoever the doctor is to satisfy their ego I think sometimes. You're not this, you're that! I'm better than ever this last year and opening the cocoon.
I no longer do drugs unless you consider weed a drug. I don't party like a monster anymore, I never could really. I was always the first to be stupid silly and pass out.
10. I have been a cutter and a burner. Sorry. But I should say it because when you look close it is there. I don't now, or very very rarely. Unless you tell me too.
11. I do smoke, but less and less. Yes I know. Shut up. I will stop before too long. Not now. I said shut up.
12. I attend a semi-mediocre stage college on a hardship scholarship. I am grateful and blessed to have it. I live in a dorm. The school provides me with a desktop Dell so old it should be put in a museum, but it's too crappy to be saved. I hope someday to put it out of its misery and join the modern world.
13. Since I was removed from my mom and stepdad by the state at age 14, i was raised by a sweet loving way too Christian aunt who is my only family except a cousin in Indiana. My aunt needs an oxygen thingy and can't visit me. Did I say I was a loner? I am a great student and that is my focus. I dont have modern conveniences but my roomie has a TV thank God and a microwave and sometimes she lets me use her laptop. Otherwise i am living in the 19th century it feels like. I work in the school bookstore for spending money. I am being educated by your tax dollars so thank you for giving me a chance, I sincerely mean that, I just wish you would buy me and ipod and I'd settle for a flip phone.
14. Why I am here? I hope to find out.
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