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As another year goes by; i am seeing my self grow in who am what i am. I spent a long time in the dark with no light showing. I have worked hard in the last year to build on my self. I am not done yet in my growth and never hope to be completely done. I have found friends who have taken me in an helped me grow. I have found my community and have accually made time to go and meet people. This has been a large part in my growth in the lifestyle. I know that the next fulltime relationship i get in to will test my boundrys in the life due to having to really come to terms with service(non sexual bais) but i am ready to take that challange with who i end up with. I have learned that to be me i must be a strong perosn that will not fall completely apart if my domainant is not there which is completely opposit to what i learned in the vanilla world. More to come later....
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Random(seen on beer cooler door)
"Santa is comming to town
Pleas dont hit him"
(dont drink and drive)
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I had a new thought today while on my 50 mi drive to school. I do love my drives i get to think about all sorts of things. I want to test a theory of mine. ok there are two question i would like anyone to answer and when i get enough answers i will explain the theroy.
1. Do you like thudding pain or Stingy pain?
2. Do you like quick or drawn out pain sessions?
3. When you work out doing cardio (running, elliptical or such) are you you a sprinter or long distance?
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I got to go to my first play party in my community. I want to write about it and will soon. I loved it. I cant seem to get it down on paper. There is so much to wright about. I guess it will all come out when it is ready.
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Something funny
Panda in China zoo bites student who wanted a hug
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081122/ap_on_re_as/as_china_panda_bites_student
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I thought it was time to write in here again. There are many
things going on in life right now and who know when I will find the next opportunity
to write. Two topics have been on my mind lately. I have been asked by many
people what you want in a master and what do women want in general? Those
are both big questions. I guess I will try and answer what women want. This is
a very confusing topic because in the end we want everything. A man who is both
the giver and the receiver. Who controls our lives but at the same time allows
us freedom to grow and be our selves. Someone who is like cares and can speak
his feeling and show emotional attachment. To pin point down what women
want is impossible it will never happen because in the end it comes down to that
we are always changing and growing and wanting different things. (I don’t know
exactly want I want all the time.) For the question as to what I want I want
some one I can grow and be friends with and explore many new things. I love trying
things and seeing how they feel. I want someone who can laugh at themselves
when things go wrong. I want someone I can trust. Trust seems to be the big
topic and in the end it is actually everything. I have been in a partly open
relationship before and have found it is the corner stone off all things. After
trust would come friendship. Yes I want to explore I love the thought of being
tied up. I love things done in public. The thought of wearing corsets just completely
excites me. I want to build what I know and make a list one day and am able to
check it all off the things I have tried. I love sensation and how it
seems to align my mind straight. I am junky for rules because they make my life
make sense. On that same note I like spontaneity and surprise. (See as a woman I
want all). Some day I will find the person that matches me and we will go far
and enjoy our selves while doing it all. I guess I had a lot to get out of my
system.
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I was thinking over the my Ike vacation about many different question so heres a new one i would like to get other peoples perspective on. Have you ever met a vanilla person who you could see had the tendency's towards being either a dom or sub ? If yes did you do any thing about it or did you try and see if you could get them to get in to the lifestyle? (I enjoy thinking and would never actually force change on any one. This is jsut a random thought of mine.)
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I finally got up the nerve to change my initial profile pic. (By getting up the nerve i mean i would be with out a pic on my proflie till thye approved my primary photo)So that means all my pics are hidden till they approve my new fount picture.
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Well life is going well i thank every one who posted an answer to my last question. I have been busy as always. Life seems to take me father and farther away from the life style but when it is right i will find the right person for me. I have accually cut back to one job which is nice. Haveing two days off is nice but its now fill with studying. I hope all is well with all the people here.
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Question for fun
3 doms in a room together 4 random bdsm fun toys 2 subs and lock them in for 3 hours
( drink and sanatry stuff provided) If we video taped this what do you think we would see?
There are no right and wrong answers to this.
Here is the start of answers i have gotten.
the two subs sitting
playing happily with the toys, the three doms arguing over who has the biggest
cock, lol
GrantYourWish
I would let the other Dom's talk about the toys and what they
would do with them and calmly walk to the subbies and ask which one
would love a hand spanking.....Size of my cock ... lol doesn't mater
in BDSM play. Size of my knowledge base does.... lol DomForce
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wow it has been just about six months since i have written in here. Life has taken a hold of me as usual. I have begun school to finish a degree i started a few years ago. so fi have found full time work and being a full time student a lot more time consuming than having two full time jobs. I have aquired a few new pets two gerbiles and a snake( anyone wants it can have it). My personal experloration has been put on hold for now to get life in order if that makes any sence at all.
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12/27/07
It has been as normal a crazy December which has me running around like mad trying to get everything ready for the new year. Due to all the crazy ness i have not had much time for fun. All my spare time seem to be used for sleep.
My goals for the new year are to start going to group meeting in my area and get involved. I want to learn more about bondage and get all tied up. I want to continue find out about me and pushing my boundries.
On the playing frount i have found out that biting can be a very very fun thing.
As short as this entry is i am hopeing to have more to write about come January.
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It been about a month sence i have written anything so i i have decided no matter what i will add to this at least once a month if not more. I am hoping more but as life goes real life gets in the way to much some times
I have explored diffrent things in the last month some have worked some have not which is normal.
I have played a few times and have found it intersting that i thought i would like one thing alot which is humilation but have found it to be a challange for me to accept some of it. Spanking is alway a frvorite of mine and i have pushed my acceptace of my pain thresh hold which was fun as always. I tried a very small amount of bondage and am hoping to explore and learn a lot more about it.
I was asked a question as to what i wanted for my future and have been asked that many time sence starting this exploration. This is what i have come up with( which is always changable with time)I would a like a strong but gental man who understand that i have a mind of my own tho i may need direction sometimes. As i live to serve a man at some point i enjoy helping others and would like to contirune working as i can. Cont..
i have talked to many people and made some new friends and will see where things go. who know what the next few weeks maybring.
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10/25/07
I have been thinking when i have had the time about the questions in my last entry and i think i have come up with a few ansewers. One is that i would love to find some one who i can love and spend the rest of my life with but also i would like to still learn and grow in the life style while i find that person. Who know he might be someone who is helping me learn and grow. Someone once said to me one finds love usually when they quit looking. As for the date i enjoyed the playing but i dont think i was a match for him. Something just wasnt there as it has been in the past with others i have learned with. cont.. later |
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10/20/07 the date went ok we did a scean and it went well but i am not completely sure how i feel and know some of that is due to a need for sleep. I will sleep on this tonight and wright how evey thing went later tonight.10/21/07 I got a little sleep but worked alot so heres what i came up with. I really enjoyed it but i dont see it going father than play. and so now i have a new question to answer and it is the question everyone ends up answering. What do i want and why do i wnat it? Do i want some on i can be total for but know somewhere in me that i will never fall in love with or do i wait till i find the right perosn that i get that feeling from( the one where you know it could turn to somethign else).As for the scean it was very intence for me and i really liked the new things i tried ( i havent tried much so a lot is new to me). So of it was also difficult for me. To do things that have been taught one is never to do to a man is sometime difficut to get past. I worked thougth that and id what i was asked with encourgment.
Ps. non of this means i slept with this peron.(writing this becaseu of how many people asume sex always come with this)
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10/19/07 I have a date tonight and yes its with a dom. We are jsut going to meet and have coffee and see how it goes. I am nervous and excited at the same time. I hope it goes well but we all know some times life will through one a curve ball when one is expecting a stright ball. Who know what tonight will bring but i will come and write it down. |
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10/12/07
As i start down this new road in my exploration and growth i hope to continue to write and add experiences to this journal. I hope to never stop learning and growing and pushing broundries in this life style.
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10/07/08
it has been an interesting training road. My training has ended and i have grown and learned many new things that i will uese in my life to come.
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It has been a while since i have written in here. i have not stoped training but regular life has taken my attention for a moment i am hoping to put new experience on here soon.
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8/31/07 It is funny when you start thinking and find you have accepted a part of your self while you went even looking. i have fully accepted that i am submissive that i want a dominant man in my life and in my future relationships. i was asked if i would ever be with a submissive man again and i really dont think so becasue i have been there in the past it was a big mess.(tho if its who i fall in love with i am not going to jsut drop them it will jsut be complicated)
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8/27/07 It has been a while since i have written in here life has taken many turns and is getting back on track for many things. I have to get my mind back in the place it once was a week of freedom with out thought to anyone elses was both nice and not nice i missed the feelings that come with everything that was before but i do think they will come again. i am reading some new books that will be intersting that i will share as i go throught this.
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8/22/07 things have been going oddly. I have let fear cloud my own judgement when i should have excepted it with open arm and heart. I guess sometimes its hard to get past some of the lessons we have learned in life. Due to these lessons i put up walls. Walls i did not need or even want. I am hoping to go back and remove thos walls but if i cant it will be something i will just have to except.
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I have been meeting alot of new people on here and have enjoyed it alot. It has giveing me many diffrent points of view. i am excited that tommow i will get to see my mentor.
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8/17/07 there are many things out there and many people. As i talk to more people the more i find the diffrences in the communitys. evey one here is unique in there own way. I am having fun exploring and taking as i find my own way in this new world.
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8/15/07 today has been very long, hope everyone is haveing a good day. Lynn
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8/14/07 I was sitting at work today reading a book and a line in the book caught my eye. The line "From this moment on you belong to me" This got me thinking to completly belong to some one has always be taught to me that one should never belong to anyone, no matter what especialy never to a man. One should be there own person even when in a relationship that people should always never belong to each other. Since starting this journey in to my self i have discovered a need in me to completely belong to a man. I know i will not submit to all men. I want to completely open up my mind and explore the possiblityes of this lifestyle and see where it takes me. |
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8/13/07 Today i was having trouble writting so i ask a question. What makes someone want a household with muptial people? I am going to reacher this today and write an answer back later befor bed. My thoughts on muptial house hold are that every one must make there own choice on the topic and couples should talk a lot about it but i do belive that the first tow should have lots of turst beween them and talk alot about it. i would be scared of beng jelouse but i guess if i completly trusted i might be able to do a mupital house hold but who know what the future will bring.
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8/12/07 it was the first time in a while that i did not wear anyting around my neck. It was odd and i keep reaching up to feel for it.
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8/11/07 To anwer my question form yesterday i guess to mesh both things would have to be make the stuff i am exploring more a part of my regular life then it would all mesh together. I guess i still have a lot to learn and see where the road takes me.
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08/10/07 my question for my self to day how does one mesh the new things i am exploring with my regulare life? Will think on it today and come back with and answer.
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8/9/07 Yesterday, we were talking an for a moment in time i forgot who i was talking to and forgot to use respect in both my tone and voice and what i am to use at the end of my sentences. I felt bad becaseu i forgot i should by now have it sunk in my head about those things. To day will be a better day.
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8/8/07
today is a new day. i am back to were i was. i know what i want and i have refoced my mind.
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I have been wearing my traning collar now instead of a ribbin. it is a diffrent feeling and it is there. it is a mental reminder that helps me know that there is someone there. I do like wearing it. As for me i think it has just been a lot of emotins so i jsut have to orgnize them and have them make sence and all will be will. 130pm i accually have a break today and have been doing a lot of thinking today. I figured out why my emotions have been so hight it is due to this but my body has been messing with me so i think things will get back on track and get throught every thing. I know most of my entries have been very postive and happy. i do want to say that even thought everything i have said is true and fun i have also had a few sturgles with this being my issues with someone else controling me but i am working throught all this one step at a time one day at a time. i think i did pretty well this weekend only had a few time when i wanted not to give the control but i worked throught them. One of the times was and it seem odd to me that this would be the one that sticks in my mind. It is when i was asked for my phone; it was a simple request but inside it took me a moment to release the thought of why should i, i did work throught it quickly but it still sticks out in my mind as something i am going to have to work on. |
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8/6/07n 2pm
After a long but good weekend it is now time to think about everything and see how i feel . I am going to think about all the stuff from the weeknd and see what i come up with and write it down this after noon.945pm well it been all day i have done somethinking it has gone not very far but i am going to write some of it. i have been going back and forth about how to merge my real life with this new stuff i am learning. I am guessing it will take time. I am having trouble writing and i had all day i hae tried to write this entry many times. i feel ike something is blocknig the way and i dont know what it is. what would have changed in a few days time to have me put what ever this wall is back up. i guess i am going to have to try and find out why and bring it down.
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8/5/07
It has been about two days since i last wrote. It was for a good reason thought i was out in the community and practing and learing in real time. Since it started i have been becomming really sure that is is the right path for me. Accually sitting at someones feet is a joy for me it was not a strugle and i dont think it is wrong to to it at all. i was worried about it all week before and it was more than i thought it would be. Following instruction and listing and understanding and trusting a man with my decisions is ok thing for me. I felt good in trusting. Wearing a collar all weekend aslo was a good thing. My feelings were its there thats where i want it and thats where it will stay. I went to my first party this weekend and enjoyed it greatly. I liked getting to know the people there and watching things that got my mind going on things i may want to try someday in the future. My feeling during the evening started out as nervos and became comfortable and accepting. No one there thought any thing of my listing to a man or stitting at his feet at all. This weekend has helped to make a more solid decision on a path in life i want to follow. I have become more accepting of my desire to have a strong man in my life that is in to the lifestyle. I want to keep learning and see where this road takes me. |
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8/3/07
Yesterday was hard for me when thinking of this exploration. I went throught lots of doute especialy in the evening. I was working on an excersise and was having lots of trouble clearing my mind. I was taken throught a diffent excersise and it total cleared my mind for the rest of the night. I was told i had put up walls as away to protect my self and that was wright i had started building those walls a long time ago and they were pretty solid. I am currently working on bring them down it is scary for me but i really want to do this so they must come down if i am to give my self fully. My mind is still pretty calm and quite this morning.
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8/2/07
Yesterday i had coversation with another like minded woman who had been in the life style now for a while.I was able to ask her questions that helped with my neruvisness. It felt good to know that someone out there had been throught the doutes that i had been having. I did an excerisie to help get me ready for when i accually kneel in real life. I found it helpful. I am keeping that feeling i found when doing the excersies with me for the future. Last nigt i was kneeling and i was bening talked to and as i listetened my mind went to a very calm and relaxed stated it was almost if i was not there but i was still connected to that voice. I enjoyed the feeling very much and would like to feel it again.
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08/01/07 720am
Yesterday seamed to have a kneeling all in my world. as a swim instrctor i use the small side of the pool to teach so i kneeling down most of the day which would bring my mind to the cours of my life i am exploring. I did yoga last night and the returing pose was kneeling eveything we did returned to the kneeling pose. It made me feel that kneeling is in our lives every day which remindes me of what i am exploring. To kneel each evening is becoming easer and feel more natrual becasuse it jsut flows as part of what i am doing in the evenings.
This morning i crawled around my house and this made me feel good becasue i was doing what was asked of me.
I find this life style completely diffrent to me than the last few years of my life i have spent it trying to run my life and my others life. I am starting to see that maybe that was the wrong way to do my relationship. I ahm still having trouble giveing up that a man should be in complete control of me but the more i explore and the more i experience the more it seems right for me.
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7/31/07
Last night due to a friends personal crices i did my kneeling by my self. it felt diffrent to do it by myself. I still felt like i was doing the right thing and what i was supost to be doing. I had my ribbion on last night like i was supost to which even thought i was by my self i still had a connection. This morning i crawled to the bathroom to take a shower the crawling did not mess with me at all this time it was like in my head craw so i crawled because it was asked of me. As these lessons are continuing i am finding that i am enjoying my self more it is feeling right to me that i give up control. I am still nurvius that in real life i might have more trouble than just doing here. I will take it as it comes.
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7/30/07
Last evening i experinced kneeling againg and enjoyed it because it made me feel good to be sitting as i was told and giveing. I have never been good at listening but i seem to want to listen and obay and i feel like its a good thing when i do it. I am still nurvis when i lay all the way on the ground but last night it was easer thant the night befor. To be on the ground accually infrount of some one would make me nurvis but i think i could do it. i think i will take a while before i completly except this part of me but thats ok each day is a new learing experince to which i add tomy knowldge. I feel i am comming to accept this part of myself. I think every task helps the more i learn and the more i do will help me duing this exploration.
7/30/07 7:30
This evening i have been wearing a ribbion around my neck. The feeling i have had were at first of oddness and weirdness becasue one i have never been in to chockers and tight neclaces. As they day has gone on i have not noticed it as much it has become a part of being there like it part of me some how. i have enjoyed wearing it today becasue it has made me feel like i have someone watching over me to help me make good choices. I am learing alot. The ribbon repsents a choice i have made to contiune to learn and explore this side of me.
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7/29/07
330pm/735pm
last night as i knelt i felt joy and calmness which is new for me i am very hight strung person. I am working on taking eveything one day at a time. i have been asked alot of question which make me look in to myself. I know i need to ask my self these question everyday and watch how myself evloves over time. I am nervous when asked these questions becase it has been so long since I was asked them.
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