lilme1

I should not have tried to write this without playing before hand. It is raw and incomplete, please give me your feed back so I may make it better.

Thank you.

I have recently discovered I have a need to hear from those I play with the next day. Nothing big just the  "I liked this, this was no fun," and "I am still alive" conversation  However, I feel the most important part of this conversation is "Thank you."

The Subbie Thank You.

So you had a great time, sub space was great. Of course you were thankful then. Perhaps you were even compelled to say thank you do to your protocol. How is your top feeling today? They may not know that the place they pushed you to was a place you really did need to go, even if it was hard to be there. The ever present "How can I have done that to someone"? is now kicking in. Now is a great time to make sure your top know that you did enjoy yourself. Say "thank you."

If something went wrong it is even more important to say "thank you."

"Yes, Sir it was difficult to explain that mark from where the cat accidentally hit my face at the church social, but worth it. Thank you."

"Yes, Sir, I had a flashback and was a complete mental wreck, but thank you for helping me through it. I do want to play again."
"Yes, Sir, I do have a second degree burn from fire scene, it will heal, Thank you."
but most importantly
"Thank you for spending the time to make my experience enjoyable."
Being a top is a lot of work, and a lot of worry. Letting your top(especially a new or new to you top) know that you are enjoying yourself will go a long way for a little thank you.

Thank You for Tops

So yes you beat, or tortured someone last night. You hit your top space and everything was going great. How is your subbie today? Lots of insecurities may be plagueing them now. Questions arise  when sub space recedes. "Did I really get turned on by being called that?, Did my top really mean it?" and the ever popular "will you still respect me in the morning?" followed by "Do I still respect myself?" Now is a great time to reassure your bottom that you enjoyed yourself, that they are still beautiful and that you really appreciate what they gave you. Say "Thank you."
"Thank you for giving yourself to me."
"Yes, you did safe word, but thank you for doing so and talking to me."
"Thank you for being vulnerable."
On a related topic it is also a good idea to tell you bottom how proud you are of them. This I think is more important than thankfulness.  It will go a long way in getting them to do it again,

This is a part( the good part) of a journal entry that came from a discussion. I would appreciate any thoughts and input. This is just my novice opinion thus far and is subject to change.

On SSC as it Relates to Triggers:

I have had an issue with fire. Having been burned before I did not know if having heat or fire around me would set me into a bad mental place. When setting up the candle scene I thought long and hard about whether or not I was ready. I came to the conclusion I was, but it took me four months after I bought a candle to come to that conclusion.

Safe:

I firmly believe that if you wish to play with triggers you should make sure that you are ready. Mental safety is an 'oft over-looked factor in play. I took a good look inside myself to how much risk of a "flash-back" such play would pose. I studied candles extensively and tried to find the ones that would be least likely to burn. For those that wish to know paraffin/mineral oil mixed candles are lower burning than anything I have found thus far.

Sane: BDSM IS NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR THERAPY. I know but it is that important. I got therapy. Therapy is therapy. Your top is probably not a licensed therapist and even if they are they are too close to the situation to really help. I looked at what my motives were for wanting to play with fire and heat. I found I wanted to conquer it. To have that power to give to another.

Consensual: A lot of emphasis is placed on consent of the bottom. I think more needs to be said for the top consenting. I have stated previously that it is not necessary to tell play-partners why you have limits. This only applies if you are not planning on pushing them. I wanted to push them. I told my top what it was I was doing and why it was I had that fear. They agreed to help me. This is not the same as consenting to wax me without knowing why(or even that) I had a problem with fire. Uninformed consent is not consent. It is abuse of your top and should not happen. It is also not safe. My top knew that I might freak out and why. They were prepared to handle it. They knew what they may be getting into and had CONSENTED to take that responsibility. I am so very thankful that they did. This point also follows under safe and sane. It is not safe for either you or your top if you play with a known trigger or limit and do not tell them to the best of your ability why it is a limit and what might they expect if things go bad. I could have freaked and started punching, I could have gone catatonic. I could have kicked the candle out of my tops hand and had it land on my body. It is not sane to do so either, if I freaked I needed to let my Top know what was probably going on in my head so they could handle it.

All this being said I believe it is my job as a submissive to submit. To give all the power I have to my Dom. Again all the power I HAVE, If I cannot control my reaction to something I do not have power over it. I cannot give power I do not have. Telling you submissive "if you trussed me you would do this" or "you are not a true submissive because you have that limit" is the BDSM equivalent of saying "if you loved me you would do this." It is manipulative abusive behavior. If you are a submissive and hear this RUN. Give all the control you have. That is the best you can do