Okay everyone... I got my license on 4-11-14 I am now legally allowed to drive but I do have a few rules!!!!

since it is not only MY car... I share with Madre.... (my mother) I am not able to go long distances for long periods of time leaving her without a vehicle. Please understand and respect this!

SO......................

If you want me to come visit you I have a few rules!!!

1. until I become more skilled as a driver I am not going more than 50 miles in one direction from my house in case of an emergency. (until further notice) (exceptions would be Erie and Clarion) if you are not TOO far outside 50 miles we can talk....

2. If I go visit you it has to be for less than 2-3 days TOPS!! (again, cant leave Madre without a vehicle)

3. Because I am on a fixed income, with no job, you WILL be helping me pay for gas (if you are outside Butler area).

just because you find me on a site like collarme or or spankingtube does NOT mean that is my whole life... yes i love it.. no i couldnt live without it... but NO i do not want to talk about it the whole time, there is a lot more to me than just spanking and sex and bondage and other lifestyle activities... if you can not have a NORMAL conversation with me at least every once in awhile dont bother to message me... i am a package deal, you get it all... and there is a lot more than just kink... 

it interests me that people want to get to know me, but they clearly dont read my profile... hmmm... i took a lot of time and energy in writing in it, the least you can do is read a LITTLE more of it before you go asking me questions that are CLEARLY answered in my profile.... come on people i even got a "table of contents" section if you dont want to read the whole thing.

wow, guess i haven't updated my journal. well as you can read from the beginning of my profile, my master passed away Oct 3rd. they moved him from the hospital to the rehab too soon and all his progression over the 3 weeks, drained out of him in less than 24 hrs. passed away Wednesday early morning after arriving to the rehab Tuesday afternoon. so as you can imagine life has been hell since the accident n it feels its only getting worse. BUT some good things going my way.

GOOD THINGS:
1. is i got a tattoo for him, (as the picture shows) which is getting a new touch on Saturday gonna have a beach scene behind snoopy n wood stock.
2. we are writing a book.. gonna see what happens with that.
3. and one of the most important things is his family n i are still close n getting closer. his parents gave me a Christmas gift... a book and on the inside wrote "Love from Mom & Dad B." that made me cry. His sister and i are getting extremely close in our love and friendship. she is my sister for life now.

BAD THINGS: 

1. Missing Bryan soooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad! 2. spending the holidays by myself, again...
3. being very alone

just got home from the hospital a little while ago. he is doing real good, very peaceful and dont seem to be in any pain. his temp is under control now, he has a touch of pnemonia in his one lung so he is coughing up a lot which is actually good cuz its breaking up and getting out. pretty gross though... he got his stitches out today while i was there... he leaves for rehab on tuesday where he will spend the rest of his time there til he gets to come home... still no sign of waking up.. the bruising in his eyes are almost 100% gone! woot woot.  

PLZ IF YOU BELIEVE IN PRAYER!!!

my fiance was in a horrible car accident monday night on his way home from my house. a deer ran out in front of him, he swirved to miss n hit head on with a truck. (he was in a little sunfire) so it was a pretty bad accident. the other guy just got a few bumps and bruises, by my fiance is in an induced coma to keep him calm while his body heals a little better as he is pretty banged up. he might have brain damage as he has a lotta swelling. they had to cut his skull open a little to relieve the pressure. so plz if you believe in prayer plz pray for him and our families. thank you so much. we need all we can get.

i am attempting this site again, never fully left but i deleted all the info basically. so i am going to try again. can never have too many friends and that is the only way to find the person that fits you is to not give up and to keep looking. so that is what i shall do. i am just not settling for less anymore just for the sake of having someone. i hope to find what i am looking for as i hope you will have the same

Random thoughts and ideas..

i been getting messages from people who either want a Mistress or a slave. i am not either. i can RP it occasionally, but i can not label myself as either, i am more submissive than dominant, but not so submissive that i am willing to give up all humanly rights only wearing a collar, be kept in a cage and let out when i am in use. might be a fun RP but i am really starting to lean away from what most consider "BDSM LIFESTYLE" i enjoy the play very much, i think i have mentioned before. i like the idea of maybe the "taken in hand" lifestyle with a twist of BDSM play.

the thing about the word lifestyle... that kinda (to me) sounds like you are into one specific thing.. like a special diet, you only eat certain foods.. you dont vary things much outside of your "lifestyle" with this definition as closed minded as it may sound isnt very thrilling or exciting to me, and especially since my interests are extremely varied. a lot of them are geared or related to some extent to bdsm and its "lifestyle" but i do not want to think of my life as i fit the mold... i want the mold to fit me *giggles* which let me tell ya is an interesting shape.

every day i feel i learn more and more about myself, especially through this site. some people find it a waste because of all the "fakes, and wannabees" but if you actually listen to them.. you might learn about yourself as well. what you like, what you dont like. what you want and dont want. though i do not feel i am in the position to judge whether you are a fake or wannabee nor do i feel many people do have that right. for some people it may only be an online interest and dont want to take it to RL for whatever reason.. i dont think that makes you a fake or wannabee. everyone has their own interests. some people are professionals who are not able to induldge in their interests and can only do so through internet. does not make them a fake.

why is it that some dominant people feel it is wrong for a submissive or a slave to have wants/needs. when they have all rights of who you are, what you are, what you wear, what you eat, control your soul, mind and life. i would think that a sub or a slave would want that kind of lifestyle for this to be fullfilling for both parties. any relationship is 50-50 at least in my opinion.. or at least it should. even if one is fully dominant and one is completely slave. i dont necessarily mean 50-50 as in control, i mean as in enjoyment. most (not all) dominants find it more pleasurable if the sub/slave enjoys what he/she is doing, in turn the sub/slave enjoys that the Dominant is enjoying it in return.

i think every situation is different. some slaves only live to serve, thats great, find a Dominant who wants someone who only wants to serve. great match! but some slaves/submissives only want it in the bedroom because at work they have to be in charge and they want the release of that charge. then find a Dominant who only likes play in the bedroom. some sub/slaves like to switch and be top occasionally, then find someone who is more Dominant but can either switch it up occasionally or allows you to have a friend to play with.  basically what im getting at is why is it okay for the Dominants to have all these wants and the sub/slave arent allowed? not every sub/slave person is gonna be compatible for the Dominant. if that were the case then everyone on this site would have a partner (or more if they wanted)

okay enough ranting for tonight, hope all is well goodnight

a few things bothering me....

okay i guess i should put in here again, that i am on vacation.. i mentioned it in a few previous journal entries without ever specifying where exactly i am, as it is of no importance really unless i wish to tell you individually. but i was recently critizied because i did not plainly state that i am not at home i am on vacation. september 16th - december 10th. now if you read back to my other journal entries, all the rest of the info that you might feel a need to know are all in there... they might be more hidden and not so much black and white. but i will give everyone a hint...

on 7-27 i made this comment:
"have to save up the money it is not cheap trans atlantic"

on 8-12 i made this comment:
"*cant wait for this vacation over seas* "

but i honestly dont feel that this should have any effect on talking to people. if you have a problem with me being on vacation then i am sorry move along to the next person.

****ALSO***

why do people feel they have the right to preown me? i have made this word up as i feel it means they act like they own you before you have offered or asked for it to be that way. and honestly... i am not sure i really care for the word "own" as i am a human.. you own a piece of property, or objects. i think the idea of being owned is so that it will never end. but things that you own can be taken away, repossessed, broken, stolen. im not sure i may be totally wrong but this is just my idea on the topic.

if you message me and i message back it is because you have shown me respect. yes even the one word hellos i reply to. that is not disrespectful. i know a lot of people get very angry at one liners. i admittedly used to be one. my thoughts have greatly changed though. i think it shows that you are very shallow if you do not reply to simple messages.

i think i understand the reasoning for the one word messages, may not be the case always but think about this, honestly...

you spend time reading someones profile you are interested in them, you write them a long detailed message with your thoughts and ideas, and they either dont read it at all, or they do read it but do not reply at all. now who is the time waster??? and i do not think it is the person who wrote the long detailed message. so if you dont waste your time and just simply write hello, you may or may not get your message read or replied to. hopefully both if that person is not shallow. yes i admit when you do one line messages for about 15 messages it does seem to be a little bit of a waste of time. i would advise if you are gonna open with a one liner, and do get a response then go into a more detailed message for the 2nd one or you will loose that persons interest.

okay i am done ranting for now. until next time..

well.. tomorrow i head to erie to get my friend from the airport. finally get to meet him after almost 2 years. CANT wait! he is kinda in the lifestyle but doesnt get the opportunity. we may or may not do anything, gonna see what happens. either way i am hoping to have LOADS of fun. cant wait to meet him!

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his
money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him,
with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into
the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished
the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she
came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,

'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put
that money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into
my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

well i got to talk to mommy on the phone tonight, she read me a bedtime story, tho it isnt as good as being there, i guess it will just have to do until i go back this summer. 1.5 months away, and i am already going nutz.. i miss them incredibly. i miss the hugs and kisses and cuddle time and the pokes *giggles* i miss my puppy too, i guess he was bad today, he ran off today, he must be lookin for me lols. well i am gonna head off to bed, it is past my bedtime :P

okay here is the journal entry that i promised, sorry it is a week later than i promised, but i ended up staying another week!!

First of all i want to say that i had a GREAT time, comming home was VERY hard for me. i really didnt want to. if it wasnt for certain circumstances i would have stayed longer.

I had so much fun doing all sorts of crazy stuff. they showed me around town, went to a few stores, malls, flea markets, had my first philly cheese steak (its right up there with the BMT) had my first scapple (not the game LOLS), also had my first dried beef and gravy. made a few good friends.

it was fun getting to act like a kid again and not being treated weirdly. i will always remember and treasure our time together this first time (not last). got to experience a few things that i never did as a small child. and even tho there was a few mistakes to them books, they was still good cuz they took all the bad parts out anyway :P.

the day pretty much consisted of waking daddy up in the morning :P oh how he loved that hehehe. "I NO TOUCHYING YOU......DAAAAADDDDDYYY WAKIE WAKIE" or "I POKE-A-DADDY" hehe that usually jump started the mornings. hehehehe. Then i would help let the puppies out or do my chores (if i felt like it :P) Then when mommy got home from work i would run and jump on her getting lots of hugs n kisses. then we would go do different stuff. went to the park and swinged on the swings that was fun, til daddy almost flung me to the moon.. that was kinda scary. then we went home and we had dinner (always home cooked) then it was bathtime... lots of bubbles, splashes, giggles, and tons of fun. then we got out, mommy would dry me off then it was time for bed. mommy would read me a bedtime story or 2 then we cuddled for awhile then daddy tucked me into bed. that was lots of fun!

On the other side of the scale, out of child mode, i got to experience a few different things, violet wands (still really nervous about them!!!!!) a little fire play, definately awesome! and got to see the collection of knives and did a little of that too, nothing too heavy tho, it was more just on my arms or hands so i could get the feel of it. would like to do more fire when i go back out! just ran outta time i guess. man does 2 weeks go by fast or what?????

friday was the worst day of the whole trip.. they didnt want me to go, i didnt want to go, but i had to... mommy worked outside all day, i was depressed on the couch and daddy tried to cheer everyone up tho he was just as sad. i didnt get any sleep really, was having some issues, mommy and daddy made me feel lots better. then saturday came.... time to pack everything up (but i know i forgot a few things... was it on purpose??? the world may never know *giggles*) that was the longest trip ever for me (not literally but you get the picture) 5 hours. they brought me home stayed for awhile visited with my family a little, we ate dinner, then they drove away.. without me. i sat on the porch and cried for about a half hour, then had to get ready to take a trip to erie... woohoo. just what i wanted to do, another road trip. but it was kinda nice cuz i got to really talk to my little sister on the way home. we got a few things off our chests about how we really felt about things and such. made me feel a lot better about a few decisions i need to really make.

i guess i should go to bed now, cuz it is way past my bedtime.. but i have to admit, it is NOT the same... *puts on pjs, grabs surgery bear, taz, and a "Old Bear" and heads off to bed*

Nini Mommy and Daddy!!!! I missing you tunz alreadys!!!!!

*poke-a-mommy, poke-a-daddy*

*SNUGGLES*

I love you tea and yond!

*tries to figure when would be a good day then starts counting down*

~Abbigail Marie Caldwell

okay why is it that some Dom/me's on this site just want to get their rocks off... i thought BDSM stood for Bondage Discipline Sadism Masochism and D/s was domination/submission. not sure where getting rocks off was part of that. yes i admit that sex can be involved but to me... bdsm is not kinky sex!!! never was, never will be. if you are looking for someone easy, look somewhere else, if you are looking for a peice of property, you are barking up the wrong tree! IF i feel a connection with you, when i am ready i will take it out of cm.com then to yahoo. then if you are really lucky you MIGHT get to see a pic or 2, or even cam, DONT expect to see anything over PG13!!!! and anyways it dont really matter, i may have found my match who knows.. oh another thing it is very obvious if you have read my journals and or profile. when the first few things you ask me is something that i feel very clearly was in my profile, i KNOW you havent read it!!! that is so annoying when people message me and have not even read anything about me! i am also NOT looking for people outside the country, unless it is STRICTLY just for friendships!!!!!!

until next time i get a bug up my butt again lols signing off

Abby~

Am currently looking again for eligable people. am not accepting profiles with nothing in them, if they have nothing in them at least tell me a little more about yourself in your message to me. finally am looking at the profiles of those talking to me, if they catch my attention by way of messaging me. so if you dont have anything in your profile and dont say anything that catches my attention do not expect a reply, unless you are rude to me then I will have to defend myself. other than that nothing more to report!

just updated my profile... was not trying to irritate anyone or anything like that, just wanted to be very upfront about how i feel and everything.. i am not trying to scare everyone away but i try to go about things in a "submissive", nice way and people think because i am naturally submissive i have to submit to everyone... what most people dont know is submission is a gift i choose who i give it to and who i dont. and i am not giving to just anyone!... especially when i am not looking for someone to Dom/me over me!