Licksandcuddles

A Little Lonely

So, last night was my first play party in a long time without my Daddy.  It’s amazing how lost I felt.  I’m so used to spending my time at parties taking orders and serving Sir Andrew that I really felt lost without him.  I even wanted to play with others but couldn’t remember how to ask or even, how to accept myself when others offered.  My mind was at a stand still.

The biggest surprise to me, though, was how much I missed service, that feeling of having structure and being helpful.  I desperately needed it.  I think I was the most surprised about it because sometimes, I feel like I can be such a brat that I doubt my own dedication to service.  But I guess it’s there, and I didn’t realize how important it was to me until I didn’t have it.

I personally want to thank Epiphany for all the help she gave me last night, encouraging me to remember that girl I used to be and I’m going to have to while Sir is gone.  I couldn’t hide my feelings from her and that was good because I have a tendency to be the martyr, so to speak.

I guess the point of this is first, I’ve realized I have an amazing extended Leather family that I can rely on while Sir is gone.  The second is that I’ve remembered that I can be strong and make decisions while Sir is unable to make them for me.

Skills I hope to learn/improve upon:

Standing up for myself

Parallel parking

Cooking

Dinner service

Controlling my emotions

Asking others for help

Being an adult in my relationship

Etiquette/manners

Changing the oil in my car

Budgeting money

Making time for myself

Saying no without feeling guilty

Accepting criticism
 

I’m sure many more things will soon be added to this list

Earning my boots

So, as most of you know, I earned my boots about a month ago.  I'd been meaning to post about it since the morning after, but, as most of you know, life sometimes gets in the way of the best intentions.  However, I think it might have been for the best, since now I have had to time to reflect on what my boots have meant to me and how they have changed my life in this short time.

When I first earned my boots, I felt that they were merely a symbol, although a powerful one, of my accomplishments in the lifestyle up to that point.  I knew that I had barely started, but still felt as though I had gone somewhere.

Now, however, I have realized they are much more of a beginning.  They symbolize my strengthened commitment to the lifestyle and the people within it.  Before receiving my boots, Sir and I often discussed my dedication to the lifestyle versus my dedication to school, work, and the other life.  After receiving my boots, I have felt my priorities shift, my goals change, and although I am still wholly committed to acheiving highly in my professional life, I seek to donate more of my time to helping a community that within this first year, has given me so much.  With the reception, I feel no longer a dabbler, and much more a part of such a community.

When my amazing guide, mentor, and Leather Daddy, Sir Andrew, presented me with my boots, I also felt the presentation of a new set of expectations.  When I wear my boots, I suddenly become more aware of my actions, behaviors, and attitudes, and how they affect those around me.  I feel extremely powerful, guided by the power of those who have come before me, yet humbled in the face of the responsibility that has been set before me to uphold all that it means to be Leather.  Leather is something that seeks to forge a new and different path in a changing world, one that values community, seniority, ritual, and tradition.  One that looks towards the Old Guard as challenging the status quo, and then continues to challenge it, pushing boundaries.  I am glad to be able to consider myself part of this rich history, and hope that I will be able to live up to those expectations I feel every time I put my boots on.  Thank you to everyone who has supported me on the beginnings of my journey, and I hope to repay it many times over.

What makes me feel submissive?

Wearing a collar makes me feel submissive because it symbolizes my belonging to Sir.

When Sir asks me what my purpose is it makes me feel submissive to answer because I’m stating aloud my intent of submission.

Being naked when Sir is dressed makes me feel submissive because it is a physical representation of our power exchange.  It also makes me feel vulnerable, which makes me feel submissive.

Kneeling or sitting at Sir’s feet makes me feel submissive because I am physically within reach, yet not equal to his stature.

Holding Sir’s plate or cup makes me feel submissive because I am doing simple service for his benefit and no benefit of my own.

Licking or kissing Sir’s boots makes me feel submissive because to the outside world, it seems degrading, but between us, it is a symbol of my thankfulness for his dominance.

Being casually touched by Sir in intimate places makes me feel submissive because it is his right to touch me where I wouldn’t normally let others touch, and he can take it for granted if he so chooses.  It is a representation of his ownership of me.

Being objectified makes me feel submissive because it makes me feel useful to Sir, yet still a possession.

Doing small tasks for Sir (esp. naked) makes me feel submissive because it is selfless service to him.

Waiting on Sir makes me feel submissive because it shows that I am ready at any time to his will rather than my own.

Standing or sitting in a specific way that pleases Sir makes me feel submissive because even in the smallest things, I am striving to please him and do his will.

Sir telling me what to wear makes me feel submissive because he is giving me orders on how he wants me to be viewed by others because I am a reflection of him.  It also makes me feel submissive because he is dictating the small things in my life to suit what pleases him.

Patiently observing Sir talking to someone else without contributing to the conversation and being quiet make me feel submissive because I am allowing Sir to speak for me.   This includes things like when he orders for me at a restaurant.

Yielding my will to Sir’s (ie. when we watch what he wants on TV even when I want to watch something else) makes me feel submissive because I am because selfless and yielding my desires to his.

Sir petting my hair makes me feel submissive because it is an almost animalistic gesture of ownership.

Sir telling me “good girl” makes me feel submissive because I know I am pleasing him, and that is what matters to me.

Cleaning Sir’s house makes me feel submissive because I am doing something that I hate because it pleases him.

Fetching things for Sir makes me feel submissive because I am allowing him to accomplish much by doing the small things for him.

Letting Sir keep going, even though it no longer hurts me in the “good” way makes me feel submissive because I am sacrificing myself to make him happy.

Sir showing me off to other people makes me feel submissive because it makes me feel like a prize possession. 

Rubbing Sir’s feet makes me feel submissive because it is doing a small service that pleases him.

Calling Sir “Sir” makes me feel submissive because Sir is a term of authority, and it represents my respect for him and his dominance and his authority over me.

Reading to Sir makes me feel submissive because it is sharing one of my best skills with him for his pleasure and enjoyment.

Sir spitting on me makes me feel submissive because it is showing that he can do whatever he wants to me because he owns me.

Sir slapping my face makes me feel submissive because it is such a gesture of shame and disgrace that he can bestow on me at any time.

Sir giving me orders in “that voice” makes me feel submissive because it shows that I am a possession meant to serve him as efficiently as possible. 

Leather and Religion

            “A man cannot serve two masters” is a quote often used from the Bible to explain many different ideas, but for some reason, it is this quote that describes my struggle with Leather sexuality and my faith.  The sexuality part is not the part I struggle with; I dealt with that a long time ago, and I definitely feel that sexual oppression is a form of control, especially a way to control women and homosexuals.  The part of leather that I have had a difficult time reconciling my faith with is that of submission.  How is it that I can submit my will both to God and to Sir?  Is the old Biblical saying I cannot serve two masters true?

            Now, I know one can just say that it could possibly be God’s will for me to serve Sir.  And that could definitely be and probably is true.  Okay, so then the question becomes why?  What is it in serving him that I can truly serve Him? 

            The first thing I think God wants me to learn is how to submit.  Submission, even a short scene, can be great practice for how to submit my will to God.  It enables me to learn what true submission, what true giving up totally of one’s free will, feels like.  I don’t think I have ever quite truly submitted 100% to Sir yet…well maybe one time.  And although it can be so scary, it is also the most rewarding thing I have ever done.  Through my submission, I felt truly connected and truly right.  Now, I just need to practice so I can get there all of the time.  I guess submission to Sir has taught me that submitting my will can be freeing and safe, and that it’s not all scary.  I no longer have to fear submitting to God’s will, and I never would have known that without Leather.   

            The second thing that Leather has or will eventually teach me is obedience.  I know that some of God’s plans for me probably include either mental or physical pain for the fight against injustice.  I know that if I submit properly to God’s will, He has called me to be a warrior, only mine is the type of war that fights violence with love.  I must be able to endure horrible things, pain and suffering, knowing that I cannot fight back.  What a better way to prepare than a scene?  Now, I understand that a scene is about love and pleasure through pain and all that, but really, one of my favorite parts of a scene is when Sir is doing something to me that he knows I hate.  When he knows that I am taking pain and misery to make him happy, to serve him.  Isn’t this the same way God asks us to serve Him?  To endure pain and suffering because He asks us to help bring justice to the world.  I can’t think of a better way to prepare myself for this.

            In many ways, my relationship with Sir is one that represents a mini-example of what my relationship with God can and should be.  After writing this down, I feel more confident than ever saying that by serving Sir, I am serving God and that my journey into Leather will only aide in my desire to help achieve social justice and help my fellow women and men.  I worried for a long time that Leather was a distraction; that it was a way for me to indulge in sins of the flesh and that by serving Sir; I weakened my relationship with God.  I no longer believe that to be true.  I also know that Sir desires to serve God and others as well, and values community service.  Through the growing of our relationship in Leather, I hope to learn submission, obedience, and selflessness.  I hope that through serving him, I can truly learn the joys of serving others, and serve my brothers and sisters with zeal, as God asks.  I hope that I can wash another’s feet with my tears and dry them with my hair.  I hope, if God one day asks it of me, that I can give my life for social justice and the betterment of man kind, and that I can submit my own desires from my practice in Leather.

Ever since I posed the question to Sir and to others about how to reconcile being a strong, active feminist and still want to lick a man’s boots, clean Sir’s house, and be obedient to him, I have gotten many answers back.  Now, a quick clarification, when I say feminist, I don’t mean the women who just believes that women are equal to men; I mean the type of woman who reads feminist books, tries in every way to fight injustice, and clearly sees that women are still seen as objects.  Yet, somehow, I want to be an object.

            The response I’ve gotten has mainly been about choice.  Choice to choose to be submissive rather than be forced into the role, choice to be viewed as an object by Sir.  But for some reason, that doesn’t quite settle on my stomach.  I mean, yes, it’s great that I willfully choose to be these things, but I’ve felt that there is something more that validates the difference between submission and systematic oppression.  I would like to explore the possibilities of what these might be.  Now I’m not saying these are right, but I would just like to share my thoughts.

            The first thought I had was that maybe the difference was that in the scene, gender really doesn’t really matter at all.  I am bisexual, although I lean towards heterosexual, meaning that the percentage of men I find attractive is higher than the percentage of woman.  In a lot of ways, to me, and I think this holds true for others in the scene, gender is a physical feature as much as race, hair color, or body type.  A person could just as easily think that blondes are more attractive than brunettes.  It’s funny that I say thins, because I’m currently exploring my sexuality, and I’ve realized that the females I have found attractive have been all different ages, looks, body types, but they all have similar personalities.  Anyway, away from that tangent, I think the reasons feminism doesn’t apply to the scene is because I’m not being submissive and being objectified because I’m a woman.  There are just as many women that dominate men and men that dominate women and women that dominate women and everything in between that it doesn’t really matter.  I really do believe that gender doesn’t define who we are as people, and I feel that the scene and Leather definitely epitomize these feelings.      

            Anyway, I guess with these ponderings, I should soon be able to reconcile to my head with logic why my heart does not feel a conflict with Leather and feminism.