About me (edit)

looking at posted pictures i have to say one thing, being punished by a dom is just like being punished by a parent, there is spanking and then there is abuse. it is never ok to leave bruises on someone, and if that is your idea of dominating me, then you are for sure barking up the wrong tree. i like to be spanked, but i will never tolerate being abused.

Done being mom, babysitter and kindergarten teacher. No more support without benefits. You want to go to munches and events, well, I highly suggest you find something other than my bank account. i am open to a new dom if You can understand my illness and needs. Need to share the reasons why i avoid giving oral and receiving anal. between the ages of 5 and 11, i was orally molested my a male family friend and to this day i cannot stand the taste or smell of a cock, and trust me when i tell you that for 15 years, my husband tried his hardest (no pun intended) to get me past it. And when i was 20 i was in a 72 hour period raped anally approximately 20 times, to the point i could not sit or walk. i laid in a hot tub for 6 hours before i could even try to move. i get panic attacks at the thought. Not to mention that CloudRipper is very large (look at his photos) and i am afraid of the pain it would cause. He didnt seem to understand that.

Am working very hard on trying to get out and meet people. i appreciate the kind words and caring i get. soon i hope to be able to. hopefully Cloudripper will help me out. Madly deeply unconditionally eternally in love with Cloudripper. Have been for the last five years. All i want is acknowledgement. Wish i could get out to join the local munch but without him my anxiety/panic level is too high

so i am in the market for someone new. before you run to get in line, you need to be aware that i carry a heavy set of baggage, not limited to severe emotional issues.i am a submissive by nature, and will remain so in a relationship as long as i dont feel a real or perceived threat to my domestic tranquility. i am extremely jealous and do not share/play well with others. when i give you my heart and soul, i expect the same in return. i am tired of raising children. while my preference is much younger men, i do ask that you be mature enough to leave cartoons and video games to an occasional habit. i have no means of transportation, which considering i never leave my home works out just fine. i am very tired of supporting everyone and am now ready for someone to treat and spoil me with respect and a amazing manner. i need someone who is willing to come to my home, and willing to have a relationship that does not involve going outvery often as the only time s i leave my home are to go to doctors appointments and to go to Society for Creative Anacronsim (renassaince) events. I belong to the Barony of Nordwache in the Kingdom of Caid.Make that used to until someones feelimgs got hurt and she pushed me out so now all i leave my house for is to see the doctor.

i do smoke and drink on occasion. my favs are rum, jaeger, jack and kahlua
i have agoraphobia, borderline personality disorder, panic/anxiety and major depressive disorders. i believe that marijuana is an herb, not a drug and a full supporter of legalization. i am Wiccan and a full believer in all things paranormal.I believe games are for children and do not want games in my personal life. i take my relationships seriously, and if i ever tell you i love you, understand i mean itm and it will never change. i get eotionally attached easiely (docs say it is a side effect of ADD and high functioning autism), so please dont ask to be in mylife if you have no intentions of staying
so if i have not scared you off by now, please, contact me, and see if we can work something out.

if you do hear from in the next few weeks it is because i will be in san francisco, alone getting my brain opened, and today my Mastr decided to tell everyone he wants to walk away from..what an arrogant ass.

looking at posted pictures i have to say one thing, being punished by a dom is just like being punished by a parent, there is spanking and then there is abuse. it is never ok to leave bruises on someone, and if that is your idea of dominating me, then you are for sure barking up the wrong tree. i like to be spanked, but i will never tolerate being abused.

looking for someone in hanford/lemoore who can give a great tongue lashing to a clit and pussy, and can come to my house today and bring a drink with them such as bacardi coconut. id really enjoy it if you are a WWE fan and want to watch Smackdown while cuddling with me either before or after

if you dont have a photo, dont bother messaging me, i asm not going to reply. been burned one too many times. sorry

just had my heart ripped out of my chest thrown on the ground stomped on put through a shredder and stabbed then handed back to me. no desire to live anymore

im done goodbye

so the tears are gone, the backbone firmly in place, head above water and light at the end of the tunnel. someday i may be able to say i am fully recovered from the blow he dealt me, but for now, i can honestly say i am alive. i love him more than life, and i hurt more than it would cost to end my life.

i am only interested in someone older than 30 younger than 40, with money, who can handle my emtional needs, and is serious about taking care of me in a very comfortable way. sorry if that sounds like a golddigger, but right now that is what my life demands i need

hes all yours...he made the choice to leave...have fun he is high maintanence

to all who know Master Cloud:im getting real tired of sharing...i never did really play well with others so, unless you are ready to take over full time care and feeding of whats mine, youd better step back and find one of your own...my final nice warning...the witch starts to come out next!!! sundown you better take care if find you creeping round my back stairs!!

back serving and being potected by Master Cloud

if Y/you know Master Cloud, please tell to let go of His pride and let someone help Him out. Tell Him to please come home. Thank Y/you!

been gone for awhile...kinda got lost last month...almost died...been alone way too long...looking for Cloud to talk to...plz talk to me...hopefully on the way to recovering tho will never be 100% ever again

please keep me in your thoughts this week. its the 20the anniversary of my fathers death, as well as what should be my 19th wedding anniversary. it will be a very hard and emotional week and will need all the love and support of my family

if you cant figure me out from all of this, then i give up, no one will

all about me 0 Comments

Journal Entry by kittycelt

13 days ago

Laura Mcallister
Yin Yang Names
Laura Mcallister, Your Yin Yang Names is:
1: L = Lover and Lazy
2: A = Adoring and Annoying
3: U = Unique and Unfaithful
... See More
4: R = Romantic and Reckless
5: A = Adoring and Annoying
6: M = Magnificient and Moody
7: C = Creative and Crazy
8: A = Adoring and Annoying
9: L = Lover and Lazy
10: L = Lover and Lazy
11: I = Innocent and Irresponsible
12: S = Smart and Stubborn
13: T = Touching and Temper
14: E = Excellent and Egoist
15: R = Romantic and Reckless

Profile Picture Analyzer
Generated Result
Beauty: 79
Sexy: 63
Style: 80
...
Smart: 83
Your Picture Score: B

Romantic Name
My Romantic Name: Lovey dovey

Vampire Names
Analyzed Result
#1: Your human name: Laura Mcallister
#2: Your vampire name : Churel
#3: Click here to get your vampire name

Profile Rating: 5 STAR
Based on date: 11-02-2011
Based On Analyze of Your Profile Activity for Today, you deserve 5 STAR. AWESOME!

Laura Mcallister, According to prediction, Today's behaviour is : Protective like cloud, you protect others from sun's hot.People like to be with you. But sometimes you could suddenly changed, brought tears. Always remember to live and live peacefully..

Find the hidden meaning Behind Your Name
Dear LEGS, your profile number is 7 based on below formula : L + E + G + S3 + 5 + 7 + 1 = 161 + 6 = 7
You have excellent mental capabilities. An educator, researcher, and one to uncover life\'s mysteries, you use your mind to think through all possible options. You gather knowledge from all sources. You can do well in scientific pursuits, religion, writing..., technical work, and legal fields. It is important that you be discriminating, gather facts and weigh them carefully before presenting them to others. You need time to yourself, to meditate, and be in silence, as this helps to reenergize you. Others may see you as a loner, but to you, it is your way to relax and stay focused on those matters that weigh on your mind.

Find the hidden meaning Behind Your Name
Dear CELT, your profile number is 4 based on below formula : C + E + L + T3 + 5 + 3 + 2 = 131 + 3 = 4
A builder, hard worker, honest, with your feet planted squarely on the ground, you bring structure to the world. Your work requires a tangible finished product at completion. You are excellent at details and routine. Your economical and practical side make...s you a good accountant, efficiency expert, programmer. Analytical and organized, you bring order for others. It is possible that you could work in the field of law and order, as you can assume much responsibility and help to protect others. Your work has an earthly quality to it, and you are here to experience the world as a structured place.

Find the hidden meaning Behind Your Name
Dear RUSTI, your profile number is 6 based on below formula : R + U + S + T + I9 + 3 + 1 + 2 + 9 = 242 + 4 = 6
Service to others brings out the best in you. The home, family, marriage are essential ingredients in your makeup. Without them, you feel lost. Love, beauty, and balance are your keywords. You may have artistic abilities, or will develop them in some way......music, painting, singing. As a nature lover, gardening will suit you well, and your home will be filled with fresh flowers, home grown vegetables, and fresh made pies. You are loving and sympathetic, and can assume responsibility. Teaching, nursing, and serving others with your special gifts puts you in front of the public. Others depend on you, and you do not let them down. Domestic occupations fall under this number, as does justice and balance. You want what is fair.
Find the hidden meaning Behind Your Name
Dear LAURA, your profile number is 8 based on below formula : L + A + U + R + A3 + 1 + 3 + 9 + 1 = 171 + 7 = 8
Business, finance, and executive ability are your best skills. Power, control and strength are your key words. All combined, makes you an excellent candidate for directing large organizations, corporate ventures, government agencies or military units. You ...excel in areas that requires organizational and decision making ability. But, there is a karmic nature to this number also. What you sow, you reap. Use of force, dominance, and excess strength, returns to you in kind. All goes full circle, and it is important that you learn to balance the spiritual as well as the material side of your life. Work for personal satisfaction and the benefit of others will reward you two fold. You are intense, and give much, but need equal in return in any relationship.

Are you devil or angel ?
Your angel and devil today :
Laura Mcallister : 25% Devil, 75% Angel

Are You A Flirt?
Laura already check his/her FLIRTY
Congratulations, according to our experts, you are : 89% Flirty

Sexual position based on zodiac sign
Laura Zodiac sign is Sagittarius
God of money, luck and good times between the sheets. Sagos are playful, laid back and oh-so fun to party with. They are wild, and may be the BADDEST party people you ever meet! If you happen to score a one-nighter with them, be prepared to do stuff you\'v...e NEVER done before! Sagos are spontaneous and adventurous and most have probably been caught doing it somewhere public. When they find the right lover, they will give it 100% as long as the commitment is returned.
FAVE POSITION:
They are up for anything. Quality AND Quantity.
BEST SEX TOY:
Handwrite a sexual fantasy of yours and leave it on their pillow. You\'ll be surprised at what happens next!
SAGITTARIAN FEMALE IN BED
The Sago woman is a handful She\'s adventurous in the bedroom and also has no problems cheating if her needs are not fulfilled. But can u handle her open-minded sexuality? She will hide her emotions from you, but don\'t make the mistake of hiding yours from her. She\'s looking for someone she can trust 100%, but is quite hypocritical since she can be very untrustworthy herself.
THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON SAGITTARIUS
Hips and thighs are extremely sensual for a Sago, so concentrate on massaging and stroking that area and the place in between! Don\'t be afraid to ask your Sago if you\'re doing it right coz they would LOVE to tell you! The best way to get them going is to grope their inner thigh in a public place!

Sexual Compatibility base on Zodiac
Dear Laura, Sexual Compability between Sagittarius - Gemini is :
Sagittarius lives for a challenge and Gemini is seduced by Sagittarius sex appeal. Ruled by Mercury, Gemini has beauty, brains and a sense of humor that Sagittarius finds fascinating. Gemini will be turned on by the challenge of mysterious Sagittarius. Gem...ini thinks Sagittarius is the best lover they have ever had. There is great sex potential and long-term possibility. To make this one work Gemini will need lots of freedom and Sagittarius must keep their sense of humor on at all times. Gemini should remain a mystery to Sagittarius for best results. Sex will be hot. Love will be very possible. Marriage could be the final step! Dont take each other for granted.

Sexual Compatibility base on Zodiac
Dear Laura, Sexual Compability between Sagittarius - Leo is :
Sagittarius will be drawn to Leos intensity and wild side. Both love to play with fire and neither will mind using flattery to get sex. They get along great as friends and lovers and a strong attraction could lead to a long-term love. A love of the good li...fe and lots of laughter will be experienced together. Children and animals will be involved in this relationship. Finally, both have found someone that matches their stamina, in and out of the bedroom. Sex could be explosive and will be a reason to keep coming back to one another. Friends will also say they look great together. If they are looking for great sex, stop the search and get going already. They dont need to look anymore.See More
See More

What your birth color reveals about you?
Laura birth color is GREY
You are attractive and active. You never hide your feelings and express everything that\'s inside. But can be selfish at times. You want to be noticed, and don\'t like to be treated unequally. You can brighten up people\'s day. You know what to say at the right time, and you have a good sense of humor.

What Does Your Favorite Color Say About You?
Laura favorite colours is Purple Colour
Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else\'s gratification.

What's on your mind right now??
Laura has took What's on your mind right now? quiz
#1. : SEX = 27%
#2. : MONEY = 91%
#3. : LOVE = 52%

The Love Meaning Of Your Name
Dear LAURA MCALLISTER, by using this application you can find details about your... lovely meaning of your name based on one by one alphabetically of your name. Below are The Love Meaning of Your Name :See More
L => Light-hearted
A => Ambitious
U => Unconventional
R => Real
A => Ambitious
. =>
M => Moral
C => Cheerful
A => Ambitious
L => Light-hearted
L => Light-hearted
I => Inspiring
S => Sexy
T => Thoughtful
E => Emphatic
R => Real

The Good Meaning of your name
Dear LAURA MCALLISTER, below are The Good Meaning of Your Name :
L - Independent But Distant
A - Ambitious But Stubborn
U - Unconventional But Unstable
R - Brilliant But Obsessive
A - Ambitious But Stubborn
. -
M - Moral But Jealous
C - Charismatic But Impulsive
A - Ambitious But Stubborn
L - Independent But Distant
L - Independent But Distant
I - Independent But Distant
S - Shrewd But Overbearing
T - Talented But Unmotivated
E - Energetic But Impatient
R - Brilliant But Obsessive

Dating Tips based on Zodiac sign
Laura Zodiac sign is and below is tips for dating his/her :
A date with a Sagittarius should never be boring. Sagittarius people are very optimistic persons, with a good disposition and a lot of enthusiasm. They like movement and this will lead them to participate in sports, to travel, or to maintain a very intense... social life. The Sagittarius loves freedom and hates daily routine, loves outdoor activities, contact with nature, and adventurous situations.People born under the sign of Sagittarius are very restless and curious. Their ruling planet is Jupiter, the planet of expansion, joy, and good fortune. To fall in love Sagittarius people need a dynamic partner who stimulates your curiosity and desire to learn. They want a companion with whom to share adventures and amusements.Sagittarius Dating Tip:Sagittarius people fall in love easily but they also become disenchanted or bored with the same ease, which is why they look for a strong and active person who knows how to hold their affections. Another dating advice: Don\'t hold back on your first date with a Sagittarius, talk about your wildest adventures and your biggest dreams. Boring conversation is a no-no when dating a Sagittarius.

Decode your Superhero and Villain name
Dear LAURA MCALLISTER, your Superheroes & Villains name is :
#1. : L IS FOR LADY MASTERMIND
#2. : A IS FOR ARES
#3. : U IS FOR UNION JACK
...
#4. : R IS FOR ROGUE
#5. : A IS FOR ARES
#6. : M IS FOR MYSTIQUE
#7. : C IS FOR CAPTAIN AMERICA
#8. : A IS FOR ARES
#9. : L IS FOR LADY MASTERMIND
#10. : L IS FOR LADY MASTERMIND
#11. : I IS FOR IRON FIST
#12. : S IS FOR SHADOWCAT
#13. : T IS FOR THOR
#14. : E IS FOR EMMA FROST
#15. : R IS FOR ROGUE

The Mystical of a Name
Dear LAURA MCALLISTER,
L - Loyal, natural balance. Social Skills
A - Teaching and leading others. Confidence which enables it to achieve objectives
U - Ability to inspire the masses
R - Warm hearted and compassionate. Noble, imaginative, unbiased, empathetic.
A - Teaching and leadin...g others. Confidence which enables it to achieve objectives
. -
M - Psychic and intuitive powers. Patience
C - Orator. Has good speaking skills
A - Teaching and leading others. Confidence which enables it to achieve objectives
L - Loyal, natural balance. Social Skills
L - Loyal, natural balance. Social Skills
I - Warmth of heart, science and drama, strong humanitarian. Idealism.
S - Warm and devoted, ability to rise to any situation
T - Determination. Excellent teaching abilities
E - Imaginative, freedom. Good with words, strong communication skills
R - Warm hearted and compassionate. Noble, imaginative, unbiased, empathetic.

What is your birthday planet?
Laura Your ruling planet is Jupiter
You like the simple things in life.You can be extremely stubborn and you have a tendency to say too much.You set very high standards for yourself and others and can sometimes be unreasonable.You also can sometimes have trouble learning from your mistakes.

Your birthday color and your personality!
Laura your birthday color is Green
You get along well with new people.You are not really a shy person,but sometimes you can hurt people's feelings by your words...You like to be loved and noticed by your lover,but mostly you are single,waiting for the right person.

What color rainbow are you?
laura mcallister, your What color rainbow are you? is Blue
Blue is described as a favorite color by many people and is the color most preferred by men. Blue calls to mind feelings of calmness or serenity. It is often described as peaceful,tranquil,secure, and orderly.Blue can also create feelings of sadness or aloofness. Blue is often used to decorate offices because research has shown that people are more productive in blue rooms.

Love Story Via Your Birthday
Laura your LOVE story is Trust
You're confident and charming,which makes you able to keep your relationships fresh.Your lucky first date:in the air ballon

What Is The First Letter Of Your Soulmate's Name?
Laura, The First Letter Of My Soulmate's Name is K
Characteristic :you are crazy in a good way

If you read this and you know Master Cloud, please link this to Him so He can read it. it was written for Him with all my love, cloudscelt 

wish id known 0 Comments

Journal Entry by kittycelt

15 days ago

wish id known how Your leaving would change me
wish id known Your leaving would make me see
wish id known Your leaving would make me strong
then id have known Your leaving wasnt wrong.
if i had known how strong i was
if i had known it was all because i never could be
if i had known that all my love
would never have been enough,
i would have never tried to fight
i would have let You leave my sight
i would never have let You break my heart
and i never would have caused these scars.
i am stronger now than i thought i could be
i am stronger now than You could ever see
i am stronger now than i ever was at your knee
and i found out that someone could love me.
so im setting You free from me
so im letting You release me
cloudscelt is now gone forever more
because You walked out the door.
im better now without You
im better now i dont need You so
im better now tho i love You still
even though im moving on i always will.
thank You for loving me long
thank You for loving me strong
but now the time has come
and now im forever gone

copyright laura lee mcallister 5-19--2011

part of healing is for giving...Cloud please read this 0 Comments

Journal Entry by kittycelt

30 days ago

perhaps because he is younger, perhaps it is also the fact that he was raised on a little creek in alaska and never had social interaction until he joined the navy. he couldnt adjust there, and still does not fit into society. he needs to learn how to interact with real people not just online. we had 3 good years, i should be thankful he wasnt abusive to me and did alot of good things for me that few people know about. i hope he grows up and learns how to interact in society, before he gets seriously hurt. i still love him and would do anything for hin, but he has to learn and grow and become a man. i hope he finds happiness and love, and if he ever needs me, i will always be here for him. i forgive You

goodbye ( a premonition) 0 Comments

Journal Entry by kittycelt

30 days ago

In my heart, i felt a break,

And I started to cry,

In my minds eye,

I watched you die.

As if in slow motion,

So I could see the pain,

I watched the bullet,

Enter your young brain.

I heard the report,

I felt your head fall back,

Watched your eyes go blank,

Felt your body go slack.

I feel the blood drip,

So hot and red,

As it falls fom

The wound in your head

. Your life was gone,

Before you hit the ground,

You felt no pain,

You made no sound

. I saw your heart stop,

And I started to cry,

As in my mind, I watched you die.

copyright Laura Lee McAllister 01-25-2008 WMH

For my precious son 0 Comments

Journal Entry by kittycelt

30 days ago

How do you fix a childs broken heart, When you cant give his pet new life, When he begs you to make it right, When he asks " why me?" How do you give a child a reason to care, When you've shattered his world, When you've caused him pain, When he needed you and you weren't there? How do you begin to repair the bond, When you're the one who broke it, When you're the one who let him down, When you are the reason for his tears? How do you tell a child you are sorry, When you left him alone so long, When you didn't mean to hurt him, When you just can't find a way? How do you beg your child for forgiveness, When you can't forgive yourself, When you broke his heart, When you're the one who said goodbye? How do you tell him it will be ok, When you can't fix the break, When you have no ideas, When you're broken, too? How do you make him understand that sometimes when you love someone you get hurt? How do you make him understand that the pain you inflict upon yourself has nothing to do with him and how do you explain why you inflict the pain upon yourself? All i can tell you, my precious baby boy, is that none of this is your fault, and i love you more than life itself and sometimes it feels like you would be better off without having to deal with my pain and hurt, that youd be better off not having to watch me kill myself slowly, that youd be better off not having to take care of me, even though it would kill me not to have you near. I love you Erin, and i am so sorry for everything you have had to see and watch and put up with. I hope that someday it wil all make sense to you and you can forgive me for the sorrow and pain ive caused you. Please son, get the help you need before its too late and you end up like me. get some counseling and find someone to talk to and get it out before your anger lands you in jail or a mental ward. You're much too good for that. I love you my son.

copyright

Laura Lee McAllister

My Surrender 0 Comments

Erotica by kittycelt

30 days ago

In my dreams, You come to me, and i feel the shackles you place on my wrists and ankles. i feel the cold steel as they close around my limbs, rendering me immobile, unable to resist You in any way. i feel the warmth of Your fingers as they trail down my bare skin, teasing, searching, and aimlessly wandering upon my flesh. i feel Your breath upon my skin as you tease my face with soft kisses, and i turn my head to receive them. Suddenly, i feel the sharp sting of Your hand slapping my bare ass, and i become damp for as much as it stings, it excites me. i tense my body in anticipation of the next one, but it doesn’t come. You softly laugh at my reaction and move Your hand to my hair. You wrap Your fingers in it and tilt my head back, exposing the tender flesh of my neck. Your fingertip traces a lazy path down the curve of my throat. i tremble at the touch as i grow limp in your arms. Slap! i feel Your hand on my ass again, harder this time, and slap! Again i tense as i await the next, but again You laugh and retrace the path along my throat. As i once again grow limp in Your arms, i feel Your fingers trace the round curve of my rear and slowly up the center, teasing and parting my cheeks. Your finger starts to circle my rosebud hole, and i strain to move away. You hold me tight and begin to enter my hole slowly, and i squirm to escape, but You are too strong for. i feel you long finger push deep inside of me, as your tongue now traces the path of my throat. A second finger joins the first and still i strain against the feeling. You distract my by lightly nipping at the curve of my throat. i shudder at the feeling and You use that to plunge still another finger in me. You begin thrusting them in and out, stretching and widening, preparing me for the entrance of Your magnificent cock. Without ever letting go of me, suddenly You are behind me, and slowly pushing Your wonderful cock deep in my ass, as You sink Your teeth in the side of my neck, sharp teeth breaking the skin. i feel the trickle of blood slowly slide down my throat, then the raspy warmness of Your tongue licking and catching every drop. It tickles and keeps my mind from the exquisite pain You are imparting on my body. i arch my back, to meet Your thrusts and open my throat more for You. When You feel my body surrender and try to match time with You, you move one hand to the wetness You have caused between my legs, and without hesitation, You enter my warm, wet pussy and begin thrusting in and out, in time with Your cock, as Your tongue circles the holes in my neck. i feel Your head snap back, and a low growl comes from deep in Your throat as i feel Your seed spill deep in the recesses of my body and Your fingers stop moving. With one final thrust, You remove Your softening cock from my ass, and Your fingers from my pussy. One more lick of my throat and you release me, to crumble on the floor at Your feet, worn, but now fully and completely owned and Mastered by You.

copyright

Laura Lee McAllister

what did i do wrong 0 Comments

Journal Entry by kittycelt

30 days ago

All i did was love you faithfully with no reservations,

All I did was care for you with no end

all I did was give you all the love i had

And you threw it at me.

I cherished your every word,

I hungered for sentence,

I longed for your special voice,

And you pissed it on my face.

I promised you all I have,

and asked nothing in return

I gave my heart to you

And you smashed it in front of our friends.

Please tell me what i did wrong

How do i deserve this pain

why do you hurt me

And humiliate me this way?

copyright Laura Lee McAllister

5-16-2009

March 13, 2008 At night i see You watching me sleep and I wonder how much You really see. Can You see my fears, my thoughts, and my deeds? Can You feel how much I love You? Do You l when I hold another man and imagine he’s You? Can You feel the passion that burns in my heart to be physically owned, possessed, chained and collared by You, my Master? Do You know the love that flows through my veins waiting for You to taste my blood, savor its warmth and draw strength from it? Can You taste my desire, my passion, my sex, my everything that belongs to You? Do You know that i call out Your name in my sleep, in my fearful times, in my joy and in my ecstasy? Do You know that i would give up everything, including my life for You? that there is nothing in this world You can ask of me that i wont do for You. That with every day that passes, Your strength and influence grows stronger and that I gather strength from You along with it?

copyright Laura Lee McAllister

Homophobia is wrong 0 Comments

Journal Entry by kittycelt

30 days ago

Body: Homophobia I am the boy who never finished high school, because I got called a fag everyday I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian. I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman. I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights. We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time. I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room. I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me. I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear. I am the man who fears that I will never be able to be myself, to be free of this secret because I won't risk loosing my family and friends. We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men. I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me. I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman. I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman. I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male. I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men. I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that. I am the woman who died when the EMTs stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual. I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didnt have to always deal with society hating me. I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind. I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love. I am the person ashamed to tell my own friends im a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them. I am the boy tied to a fence, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die because two straight men wanted to "teach me a lesson" ---IF YOU BELIEVE THAT HOMOPHOBIA IS WRONG ... REPOST THIS ---IF YOU ARE IGNORANT... IGNORE THIS

night dreams 0 Comments

Erotica by kittycelt

30 days ago

In my dreams, You come to me, and i feel the shackles you place on my wrists and ankles. i feel the cold steel as they close around my limbs, rendering me immobile, unable to resist You in any way. i feel the warmth of Your fingers as they trail down my bare skin, teasing, searching, and aimlessly wandering upon my flesh. i feel Your breath upon my skin as you tease my face with soft kisses, and i turn my head to receive them. Suddenly, i feel the sharp sting of Your hand slapping my bare ass, and i become damp for as much as it stings, it excites me. i tense my body in anticipation of the next one, but it doesn’t come. You softly laugh at my reaction and move Your hand to my hair. You wrap Your fingers in it and tilt my head back, exposing the tender flesh of my neck. Your fingertip traces a lazy path down the curve of my throat. i tremble at the touch as i grow limp in your arms. Slap! i feel Your hand on my ass again, harder this time, and slap! Again i tense as i await the next, but again You laugh and retrace the path along my throat. As i once again grow limp in Your arms, i feel Your fingers trace the round curve of my rear and slowly up the center, teasing and parting my cheeks. Your finger starts to circle my rosebud hole, and i strain to move away. You hold me tight and begin to enter my hole slowly, and i squirm to escape, but You are too strong for. i feel you long finger push deep inside of me, as your tongue now traces the path of my throat. A second finger joins the first and still i strain against the feeling. You distract my by lightly nipping at the curve of my throat. i shudder at the feeling and You use that to plunge still another finger in me. You begin thrusting them in and out, stretching and widening, preparing me for the entrance of Your magnificent cock. Without ever letting go of me, suddenly You are behind me, and slowly pushing Your wonderful cock deep in my ass, as You sink Your teeth in the side of my neck, sharp teeth breaking the skin. i feel the trickle of blood slowly slide down my throat, then the raspy warmness of Your tongue licking and catching every drop. It tickles and keeps my mind from the exquisite pain You are imparting on my body. i arch my back, to meet Your thrusts and open my throat more for You. When You feel my body surrender and try to match time with You, you move one hand to the wetness You have caused between my legs, and without hesitation, You enter my warm, wet pussy and begin thrusting in and out, in time with Your cock, as Your tongue circles the holes in my neck. i feel Your head snap back, and a low growl comes from deep in Your throat as i feel Your seed spill deep in the recesses of my body and Your fingers stop moving. With one final thrust, You remove Your softening cock from my ass, and Your fingers from my pussy. One more lick of my throat and you release me, to crumble on the floor at Your feet, worn, but now fully and completely owned and Mastered by You.

copyright Laur Lee McAllister

punishment 0 Comments

Erotica by kittycelt

30 days ago

You walk in the room and Your presence fills the air. i wait, kneeling, naked, on the floor in front of Your chair. i wait with my head bowed, yet i know when you are close. i feel Your fingers reaching my hair, wrapping your finders tight in it, as you lift me from the floor. You keep my head tilted back, exposing the soft curve of my neck. You see the pulse quicken as You bend Your head to my neck, first trailing light kisses randomly across my throat, as You search for the sweet spot. i feel Your fingers tighten as You find what You want and quickly sink Your teeth into the side of my neck, drawing blood. i feel Your tongue licking at the drops as they run a trail down my throat onto my breasts. Your tongue follows the trail, licking at it, nipping the soft tender flesh of my breasts. Soon You are tracing my nipples, hardened by Your touch, sucking them into Your mouth, teeth grazing them as You try to pull them all the way in to Your mouth. Your fingers loosen the hold in my hair, as the fingers of Your other hand trace the trail between my breasts, down across the soft expanse of my stomach, finally reaching the hair You love to pull so much. My body tenses as I wait for the exquisite pain to follow, and today it doesn’t. Your fingers enter my now wet pussy, first one, then a second and third. Suddenly You pull them out, roughly scoop me up and drop me, ass up across the arm of Your chair. You reach across and tie my hands to the other side, keeping my body tightly stretched, as You spread my legs, and secure them to the legs of the chair. Your fingers tighten in my hair again as you pull my head up and to the side. There in my face is your throbbing cock, waiting for my mouth to take it in. Giving me no warning to prepare, you quickly thrust it hard into my mouth, forcing me to deep throat it. In and out You move, fucking my throat as hard as You fuck my pussy. Just as quickly You stop. You stand and move away for a second, then return. My body tenses as i try to prepare for what will happen next. You stand behind me, and then i feel it, the kiss and sting of Your whip as you punish me for my behavior, 4, 5 times, 6, 7 then comes the one that hurts the most, that gives You pleasure, the worst of all punishments, the stroke that reaches between my legs and assaults my clit. i feel you kiss each spot, licking the small drop of blood at each spot. You stand, closer behind me, and again thrust Your fingers deep in my exposed pussy, now dripping in anticipation of Your manhood spearing me to the core, but Your punishment has not ended. Just as quickly You move your fingers to my even more exposed ass and push first one in, moving it in and out, and in circles, widening my hole. I squirm but that brings a slap and a second finger, ever widening my rosebud hole. Then a third and then your cock is back in my very wet pussy, getting it wet. Three, 4 thrusts and You pull it out and pounce on my ass, driving the hard spear deep into my ass and begin thrusting in and out, as your fingers do the same to my pussy. Now Your hands reach under me, squeezing my breasts as You drive harder into me. You pull out and shoot Your hot seed across my back and ass as you cum. One last slap across my stinging cheeks and You untie me and carry me to the shower, where another story is begun… February 26, 2008 For My Master, Master Raven, from his little jewel, zircon

copyright Laura Lee McAllister

my children and exhusband just left, and i just did a workout on the wii. ive lost 30 pounds! i actually have a smile on my face for the first time in weeks. my adopted son is in school to get his contracting license and believes in me that someday ill be able to walk ot my front door. as of today, no more cutting, no more pity party, just a baby step forward and a move into a new life. all in favor, give me a big HELL YA!!!!

Although i am devastated by my sons desertion onf me, after several hours of deep sleeep, i woke up and decided to arrange my house for my comfort and convienence. dont know if it is my way of dealing with his loss, since i already went throght cutting myself, but it made me feel better to know i can do things like move furniture without him being here. and even though im terrified of being here alone, im sure in time that will go away. many thanks and hugs for all the love and huugs i received in response to my giving up. i still feel like im floating away with him to ground me, but i will survive. my friend who commited suicide came to me in my dreams and told me my work here is not done and i have to stay, no matter how much i am hurting, that it will be alright in time, but for now i must carry on with the life i am leading.  My fateher also spoke to me tonite and told me im strnger than i theink and i will make it through this. i stil have a job to do and its not time yet forme to say goodbye, no matter how much i want to be with him. There is still  someone left i have to help.
So because of these messags, i will carry on. Somehow...

if you dont see me for a few days, ive crawled into a cave. my rock, my son has deserted me and im devastated. i dont know if i can survive being alone. im looking for a 24/7 live in to take care of me and help me out. i will respond to texts if you hhave my number or emails at beaussong@yahoo.com. plz dont call, i wont answer. love you all and hope i survive to talk to you again

after several hours of meditation and sleep i have decided that no one is going to push me around anymore. if you dont like me, delete me, but leave me the hell alone. get a life

ittycelt

: less than a minute ago I wrote this in response to the question "Is a suicide attempt a cry for help?" yes this is how i feel, and i wish there was someway to fix it, but i take each day as it comes.

20 years 0 Comments

Journal Entry by kittycelt

43 minutes ago

i sit here thinking about time passing and i know why im having such a haard time right now. its been 20 years since i last told my Da i loved him, and almost 20 years since i put him in the hot desert soil. i can remember the events of that awful day so clearly, every anguishign moment, up until mich got me drunk and i passed out at her house. i was with the kids at the pol in the hot florida sun on the 10th of june 1991, when i told the kids we have to go back to the house right now. i walked in, picked up the pjhone and checked my voice mail. one message from a number i didnt recognize. but the voice i did. My aunt kris, and i knew without even completely hearing the message that i needed to call home immediately why she had called. so i called her back, and when she answered it wasnt what happened, it was what time did he die. and at the time she told me, i had been drinking a toast to him with my friends. she told me a plane ticket was already paid for and what time i had to be at the airport. i called rawn, still calm and told him i needed to get tot he airport, i held it together until i saw him, then i lost it. i cried all the way to the airport. then i got on that little plane and was so terrified i almost broke my hand onthe arm rest. and it was so cold,i was carrying a teddy bear, the kids wanted me to have osmething to hug on the way home. i stepped out from that cold plane that had put snow on my teddy bear into the hot orlando sun, walked across the tarmac to the terminal, as if in a trance, found my way to the gate and waited for the next leg of my journey into hell. i barely remember eating ont hat long flight to dallas, where i had to rush to make my connection to the hot el paso desert that was home.
i got off the plan in el paso, and started crying again, no one was there to meet me. crying i headed for the bagagge claim area when i saw her. i dropped everything and ran across the lobby crying and yelling screamerm screamer...she snatched me up and swung me around and we both cried. we got my bags, loaded them in her truck and headed to the hospital so she could finish her work, an hour later we were in Dallas with a bud longneck in our hands, there was just an hour til closing, but when everyone heard why i was back, the drinks kept coming, and i got so drunk, i dont remember leaving. i woke up the next monring on Michs couch. After a quick breakfast we loaded my bags back in her truck and she droveme..straight into the mouth of hell.
As i got out of the truck i saw a staion wagon parked in front of the house and was told if i wanted anything of his to get it out of the car before it went to goodwill. the house had been completly stripped of his presence in less then 24 hours, they had even gotten his hospital bed picked up. the room he ha called home for the last few years was naked, cold, empty excetp for the filing cabinet and his cedar box of letters on the shlef above the door.I walked in the house and before i got 2 feet in i was met with "You are not welcome here. You can stay until after the funeral but then you have to leave. this sint your home anymore and nobody wants you here." Stunned, i just stood there tel mich pusshed past me and went off. slowly i sank onto the couch and hung my head and cried. i asked if i still had time to go to the hospital to say goodbye. my heart was in my throat when mom told me noe, he had alreday been sent to the crematorium. i vaguely remember screaming "NOOOOOOOOO" and then michs arms around me. i dont remember much more fter that, just that night me, robin bart and brett ended up at roses, the bar bobbi worked at. i remember sitting at the bar having a drink when the best thing i had seen since coming back walked right past me. i stood up and called out his name. Beau stopped dead in his tracks turned around looked at me started to ask if he knew me, then a smile lit up his face and he picked me up and hugged me so tight i couldnt breathe. He was there with a friend, but he spent the rest of the night glued to my side. we left together and i dont recall much after that, just lots of love and tears.
I dont recalll too much of the next couple of days as arrangements were made and i tried to saty out of everyones path while loving on my baby girls as much as possible. Thursday was the memorial service at the church. sam wasnt there, because everyone felt that daddy would have wanted him to complete his hike of the grand canyon. I remember Kriss was there alot, so was fzt Debbie sticking her nose into everything and trying to tell me what to do. I was asked not to sit wit the family at the church so i sat 2 rows back, alone. bobbi was tld to sit in the back because she was in jeans and and a tank top. but my 2 best friend mich and judy were seated with the family. i couldnt help but laugh. earlier that day we had layed the tape with the songs daddy wanted on it, and oddly enough, there was nothing there, so we recorded them again, lisstened to the tape and they were there. when it came time to play the tape at church, the tape was blank again. alot of people stood up and said beautiful things about daddy, and i know i did too, but i cant ell you what i said. i remember kris most of all, saying she had lost the second love of her life,
The rest of that day was a blur and we all ended up at roses that night drinking toast after taost to Da. i remember walking inthe house that ight and robin going off on me and I lost it i called her and mom every name in the book and then some.the rest of that week is a blur to me. i remember going to the county clerks office with beaus friend kieth and getting a marriage license. I remember a sunny afternoon sitting outside smoking a cigarette because smoking was allowed int he house anymore. A car pulled up and 2 very handsome young men looking almost like twins got out. it took a second to realize it wasmy brother. he looked so grown up and handsome.he picked meup and hugged me it seemed like forever and the tears started again. i remember getting yelled at for crying infront of my baby girls. I know mom took me shopping for shoes to wear adn clothes because i didnt have anyting white to wear and daddy wanted white and bright.
Monday morning dawned bright and sunny, it was a june day after all, and bound to be a hot day.we piled into the cars and followed the hears to the cemetary, as once again i wasnt allowed to sit with the family. But to my surprise, i wasnt alone, Beau and Keith showed up in full dress uniform, and with one on each side of me, we stood as the flag was folded. i know i heard Daddy laughing as the newbie had trouble folding the flag. it had been agreed that the flag was presented to my brother. he looked so adult and handsome in his suit and tie, with John standing next tohim still loking like twins.. I held it together through "Amazing Grace" on bagpipes was played. Then came the 21 gun salute. I jumped as the first round of 7 went off, beau and keith each grabbed a hold of me as i lost it with the second volley of 7. Then cam the most haunting sound and to this day i cry when the third volley went off. The silence that followed was broken by kris crying and my tears flowed in silence. Beau and Keith held onto me and walked me back to the car so i could make that onely drive back to what was no longer my home. The rest of the daypassed ina blur and i remember BEau and keith picking me up as everyone somehow ended up bvack at roses. The guys played pool and i sat at teh bar and drank. I remember talking to brett about our siblings. We agreed that we didnt like each otheres siblings, but we put up with them because he loved bart and i loved robin.
The next few day spassed in a blur as bobbi and i got an aprtment together and keith and i made plans to get married. Then one afternoon he didnt come home and i got a called saying he had gotten married that day to oneof my friends. Fast forward to August. By this time i had found a job as a bartender in a place called the Texas Bar. I had just broken up with Sparky, with whom i had been dating long distanc for over a year. he was in special forces and first in the war. That night was my first night working alone and the cash register jammed so i was making change out of my size ten painted on white jeans. Mich was there with her boyfriend jeff, but we all called him bubba. they were playing pool. the bar was about half full, the jukebox was playing some loud country, when this man , the first man i had ever seen that mde BDU's look sexy, dirty and covered with desert dust in a sweat soaked tshirt and BDU's aske for a beer. I thought he was cute but not really my type, he wasnt a blue eyed blonde cowboy type, but cute all the same. he was shocked that he had to pa for his beer. i didnt know he kept a tab, i was still learning all of this. He kept hanging around the bar staring at me, and after about 4 beers he looked at me and said "im taking you home with me". Well, i just looked at him, put my hands on my hips and said "Sorry love, but i i don't date whats on that side of the bar." he says i ll make a bet with you, any bet you want hat ill get you home wiht me. HE had been watching bubba and mich playing pool and i said fine. "Heres the deal. You play a game of pool with my friend bubba. If he wins i get you as a slave for 24 hours." He asked what would happen if he won. I said hed ge me as a slave for one night. Well, bubba won the game, and here it is 20 years later and we are still married. He didnt make a very good slave but he was a damned good lover. Fast forward to october. He as more or less living with me and bobbi, who was no longer with don after don damned near beat her to death, bu tthats another story. Bobbi, Toni and i had a bad case of pink eye that scarred our eyes. Stan was leaving for a thirty day tdy run to 29 palms in california. The night before we got him all trimmed and packed. we went to bed early cuz i was off that night. 4 am rolls around and we get up ot get him off to his trip. Guess who had gotten pink eye? Well a week goes bye and Shari calls me at teh bar and asks if I had heard from him. I was puzzled because he couldnt call me. I didnt understand why she would ask me that, so i just shrugged my shoulders and went bak to work.about half anhour later im facing the register when i hear a request for a beer. i stopped dead for a second shook it off and turned around. for about 30 seconds i just stood there staring.....the love of my life ws standing in the bar 3 weeks early. i ran around the bar and jumped on him. He had a patch over his eye. the pink had gotten worse while he was in the field and they sent him to thehospital. the medication the gave him he was apparently allergic to and his eye started bleeding. they kept him in isolation for a couple of days then sent him home. well, the didnt waant him in the barracks, and since he was married (thats another story too), he had off base housing privelges. He lived with his friend Shari, but she had kids and she didnt want him either, so he stayed with me, and more or less, that was when we started living together for good.I dont recall alot of that ime frame, because when i wasnt working in the bar, i was drinking in a bar, usually at dallas with mich or texas with mich and stan.. There was another bar but i cant recall the aname that we partied at too with bobbi and a bunch of other friends. One night i went out by myself. i ended up calling stan to come at get me froma 7-11. i dont remember too much other than him threatening to throw me out the window because i refused to giv him his car keys so he could leave. he left anyway and then shari showed up wanting his things and i told her no. if he wanted his tuff, he had to come and get them himself. I know there was a lot more to the sory but i dont rmember it because i was staying drunk unless i was working. Well we eventually worked things out. Fast forward to Thanksgiving. He came with to thanksgiving at moms, who was now living with Russ in Horizon city in a nice condo and had lots of nice things. November 29, that was the day Russ became Dad. Stan went to the wedding with me, then i had to go to work. Fast forward to middle of december. kris lost the third love of her life when he had a heart attack in the bathroom and fell onto a spot heater. Stan didnt go with me to that service but mich did. It was a joyous party filled with lots of music dancing and drinking, a cajun wake. Fast forward to Christmas. By this time, Stan and i had moved into a one bedroom and wer officially a coupld living together.His parents came out from california the week after Christmas. I dont remember alot of it exept him taking me in the closet cuz he didnt want them to hear us. The day they left, I made a solitary trip downtown. I hadnat had a period since before moms wedding. I went to planned paernt, got the joyous news that i was now in a family wayu. i took the test strip home, left it with a note on the table and went to work. Stan always came home from work and made me dinner and brought it to the bar. that night there was no dinner just a confuse man.
Well, there was no getting around telling mom, i was already showing. We had quite a predicamewnt on our hands. I didnt want to get married, not that we could because he was still married and she was in Korea. Well he and mom got together and i was basically told, plan a wedding. Mom paid for him to get a divorce and we made wedding plans . He decided we would get married in june, on his birthday so he could remember our anniversary. By this time he hda gotten out of the service, and was working 2 jobs and raking in the money. I was a high risk pregnancy so care was taken that i was never left alone. Thomas psent many a night withme while stan was at work. I was no longer working they decided it wasnt safe for me to keep working in the bar while i was pregnant. The night before we got married mich took me to see male strippers, which would have been a lot more fun if i could have had a drink. But i ended up calling him and crying. I hated that part of being pregnant, i cried alot for stupid things. Everyone made sure we didnt ee eachother until right before the ceremony. Well, I had stayed at michs and as i was driving int he hot june sun towards teh place we were getting married in, i gave serious thoughts to keep on driving. But i didnt. We got married, shoved cake in each others faces then went to the Sundowner club to celebrate. He was totally wasted. he was tipsy already when he said i do, and prcede to get totally bombed at the club. THat was the one and only time i ever got him to dance with me. I spent my wedding night crying myself to sleep because he had passed out. At some point in this time frame he was at the bar and i felt really bad, i had a hard time with my asthma wheni was pregnant. I called him to come home cuz i wanted o go to the ospital. We had a figt on the phone but e fially came home. But instead of going to the hospital, he raped me and sodomized me slamming me into thew front door of ou apartment. He eventually passed out and i fell asleep crying on the couch. Next morning he got up and went to work as if nothing had happened. We moved sometime that summer into a new 2 bedroom apartment. In the middle of august, I tld my doctor tht the baby had stopped moving verymuch. 2 weeks later i told her this again and the did an ultrasound and found his cord was wrapped around his neck. Well finally she decided it was time for him to be born. August 31st she induced labor. in the wee hours of september first they gave me an epidural because i was have trouble breathing and vomiting from the pain. by noon he was in distress and was showing no signs of coming so the gave me anoher epidural in preparation for a c sectiojn. i was crying because i was scared og them cutting me open. well i guess my fear triggered a reaction from him because he decided he was coming. I told mom that i needed to go to teh bathroom so she called a nurse. the nurse yelled, not bathroom delivery room bay is crowning. So they rush me to a delivery room, but i had no feeling from the waist down and couldnt move myself to the delivery bed. the doc is yelling she isnt delivering this baby on a labor bed, stans trying to move me, wills on his way out im crying and screaming, and finally the get me on the delvery bed, and out pops will. Well not only was his cor wrapped around his neck, it had a knot in it as big as a silver dollar and so tight they couldnt untie it. Stan was pissed and almost decked the doc. But he was healthy and fine so no problems 2 days later we say goodbyt to the hospital and will getshis first trip to a bar. hten the bowling alley. i freaked out wehn we walked into to bowlng alley and these people i didnt even know take my baby away from and take him to the nursery.Stan bowled and i sat an watched as he got drunk from a baby bottle full of booze. i end up driving us home and we get settled into a routine. will slept all day while stan was wt work but as soon as daddy was home he was up and raring to go. 2 weeks later i had stopped bleeding and life was grand, condoms sucked but we had to wait 6 weeks so i could get norplants. well we were babysitting toni over night and she had a nightmare, and woke up screaming. i jumped and twisted and felt somethign strange, i started gushing blood. Well we get mom to take toni and will and we run off to the hospital where they leave me sitting in the waiting room in a wheelchair and im embarassed becasue im bleeding all over the floor. Stan says in his best agressive voice"Dont worry about.theyll get someon to clean up the blood. I dont remember too much of that day . they got a hold of my doc on thephone. she told them to give me some mediine and sen me home. well we were at thomasa house working on his car and i kept on bleeding big clots and having to chang pads like every fifteen minutes. 4 hours later, im white and dizyy and passing out so we run back to thehospital where mom meets us and takes will. they get the doctor in and she decides i need a d&c. I have no memory of this at all. I know i was close toneeding a transfusion because i had lost so much blood. Apparently i clotted off and when i jumped and twisted i tore the clot loose. i think i went home that night but im not sure. i know that where stan worked they told im to take the time off to take care of me and the baby cuz i couldnt walk without trying to pass out. During this week, mom yelled at me that i was going to cost stan is job if i didnt let him get back to work. I have no memories of this time, just what people have told me. and apparently stan told my mom to sht the fuck up and either come take care of me like she did bobbi or stay out of our life.backing up a just a little. the middle of august, dad shows up at our apartment alone and tells me mom is on a lane to seattle. at first i thought something was wrong with robin because she was due to have a baby at the same time but theni remembered robin was in california. well turned out Grandpa had passed away. I dont know what it was but with every one of my pregnancies i lost someone i loved. with bev it was my dog, with jamie my great aunt, and now grandpa. well august 17th robin had molly as we called her then, but her name is meagan maureen.. So back to me. Stans mom came and stayed with us for a couple of weeks. And his cousin had married someone in the army and they got stationed at the same base. She had epilepsy so we watched out for her. Sometime in the middle of all of this i had norplant conrtraceptives put in my arm, and then i had surgery on my sinuses and nose. I started getting very moody and agressive. I couldnt stand to have stan touch and was literally beating him up at night. 6 months later the norplants came out because everytihing i was going through was a side effect of the norplants. That december, stan tore up his wrist at work, he was out on disability and workers comp for a long time. he tried to go back to work but they told him in 6 months they would be putting a steel rod in his wrist if he did, so he opted for retraining. fast forward again. Stans going to college getting paid for going to school and guess what, we end up with another baby on the, and another move. DUring this time, Im havign a very difficult pregnancy. Stan got a migraine headache and i had to take him to the hospital because he was slurring his speech and acting goofy. They had this new mediciine called otradol. Kills the headache with the narcotic side effects. BOy was that great, the headache was gone an dhe was clearheaded. Next day he started complainin his back hurt. over the nest 2 days it got worse and worse. I caled sam to come sit with will cuz stan was going to the hospital if i had to call an ambulance. i ahd to drive sams car because we erein the middle of putting a water pump in my car. well stan cznt stand up straight and can barely walk. they think its appendicitis so they start getting him ready for surgery when a doctor hit him jus above the kidney and stan damn near hit the doctor. his kidneys were shutting dow....allergic reaction to the wonder drug toradol. His parents are already on their way because of the surgery we thought was going to happen. They get in about 10 oclock and the nurses were kind enough to bring stan to the elevators so he could see his mom. That was the second time i almost lost him.so I had his parents in our small 2 bedroom house, with 2 rabbits and me very pregnznt, moody and terrified im about to be a widow at 28. Well they get him better, his parents go home, and guess what we have to move....again. this time we move to Chaparral into a nice 3 bed room trailer. Wel the 12th of septmeber im in the hospital for an asthma attack and the flu. i go home on thenight of the 13th but i start puking in the parkinglot. we decide ill bbe fine and go home. around 6 am the 14th, im puking, and my water breaks....were rushing back to the hospital having mom meet us there to take will. htey get me set up start the iv, get the epidural in and we wait...and we wait....qand we wait....contractions but i m not dialting like i should be, well aabout 7 mom notices that my iv isnt going into my arm, its going into the bed. so we get that fixed and about 3 am erin decides hes ready...he come as along abou 330 on the 15th of september. well stan has decided this is it there aint no more and since it wasnt gonn cost us i was getting cut. so at 9 am im in surgery have my tubes cut ited and burned, no accidents happening this time.
Grandma adn Stans aunt someout to visit for a week or so and life is progressin well. My lawyer for an accident that had happend in 89 finally settles my case, and we go spending money. Hes still going to school and life is good....more or less...during this time he has gone to VA and they start treating him for depression and PTSD from the war, as well as what they laughingly refer to as Gulf War Syndrome....not really a disease, just a whole bunch of symptoms they have no idea what are or why he has them, and they are passed onto the the boys. about this time things start getting rough. bobbihas twins 28 days after erin is born and theyre in the hospital for a little while. comt eh end of october, erin is throwing up everythin he eats, losing weight and just ot doing good. they make me stop breast feeding thinks he was allergic to the antibiotics i was taking. so im giving him his dose of tylenol when i have to puke. i come back and fin will has swallowed almost 3/4 of a brand new bottle....ok freak out time...panic time....stans driving for dominoes....moms in horizon city and i have to ge will to the hosital and do something with erin. so i rush to bobbies house, drop erin off with kim and haul ass to the hospital. they have to pump his stomach, but wont let me be with him while they do it, but they let mom go in and hold him. stan comes flying and and pissed cuz they wont let him in either. Finally they put will in a room and stan decides i need to go home and feed erin so hell stay with will. i head for home, get some sleep and meet mom at the the hospital and she takes erin for the night so i can send stan home to get some sleep. the next day they let him come. then the next thing you know im back in the emergency room because erin is still throwing up everything we give him, so he is admitted, and mom has will, and stans at work, im sleeping at teh hospital. they finally figure out erins allergic to milk get him on a soy formula and he starts getting better, but then tehy notice a peculiar thing, hes a preemie. he was born about 6 weeks early which was part of the problem. he just isnt right so now were going to neurologists and all kinds of sppecialists and they tell me is called floppy bay syndrome, a side effect of his being premature and we could expect him to have problems later in life. fortunately the only problem he has is a tremble in his hands.. In the midst of all of this weve had his cousin have a baby, Aunt kris committed suicide my Aunt rieta died from brain cancer, and stan reacts badlt to the prozac getting vilent and moody. Hes also drinking alot and his mom tells me to leave him.
fast forward a couple of yearswere spending alot of time at bobbis house taking care of the twins and toni because bobbis coking out with her friends adn we dont want the kids getting neglected. one night, Beau, Tom, Thomas, Julie and Bobbi took stan out drinking. i stay with all the kids. they get back and beaus too drunk to drive so they aaask me to drive him home. on the way he asks if i wanna go have fun with him....and boy i was tempted cause that man knows how to please a woman....but nooo, ive got my man waiting at home for....but if i had known what i was going to find when i got back there, i wouldnt have thought twice....i walk back in the house and its quiet so i figure theyre in her room playing on the computer.... i open her door and thyre in there alright, but theyre in here bed...i slowly close the door walk in the living room lay down on the floor and cry myself to sleep....we move back into el paso into a tiny 2 bedroom aprtment. i ndont tell any one of what happened but i get my revenge a couple of months later with someone whos name i shallleave out. but silly me gets the guilts and tells stan about it and why....bout tis time fathers day stans burthday rolls around....were at moms house and she knows theres trouble...so she offers to pay for us to move to california so he can be closer to his family and maybe things would be better
If i had known 13 years ago what i know now, i never would have taken her up on that offer
If I had known 15 years ago what I know now, I never would have taken her up onn that offer. I never would left the only place i call home, the desert and the mountainsi love so much, heat and all.
Well come the first of July we pack everything we own into a ryder truck and the van, say our goodbyes and hit the road for california. Boy if i had know what i was getting tinto it never would have happened. We got here july 3rd. July 5th Stan goes back to work for dominoes, and 3 days later the brakes go out on the van, stan has no way to work....so now waht do we do. were leaving in a trailer in his sisters backyard, in a house that even hoarders would be afraid to touch. low and behold the tow compnay his brother-in-law works for quits on them....so instant job Stan becomes a tow truck driver. Now I've been listening in horror to his sister tell tales about tow truck drivers and the groupies. I already caught him cheating once, i dont trust him at all and I'm hearing all these stories. My jealousy goes into overdrive. i buy a scanner so i can keep track of him. Meanwhile life isnt so peachy, His sister and i dont get along, i try to clean her house and it ends up with us being homelss in a hotel while we try to find a place to live. tomaake matters worse, 2 days after he starts driving for thee tow company, we lose all our money, food stamps his drivers license and pager for work. So his mom finds us an aprtm,ent in a drug hood but for the moment it better then nothing. Drugs getting sold out in the open a shootout over my sons head, i say enough is enough and talk to the media....wrong move....next thing i know i have cps at my door. the boys go to a neightbors for the night ans stan and i stay up all cleaning the house. the boys ocme home ...all is good. Nope, next thing my inkow someone throws a molotovie coktail in our van....we now have no transportation except the tow truck, life is great fun with a 2 year old and 4 year old in the cab of a tow truck. THen to make matters worse, i have a broken arm, the flu, the neighbors apartment flooded into the boys bedroom, i have laundry everywhere, erin decides to potty train and leaves a dirty diaper on the bathroom floor, we have a kitten who is litter box trained that goes behind our corner unti aand speakers to take a dump, and no one has ever moved the stove to clean under....so what happens.....here comes cps again...this time theyre looking for drugs and guns. guns we have, locked up safe and tight in the guncabinet with the ammo locked in a seperate drawer...but not drugs....they find a dirty house with the abovementioned items and even though my arm is in a cast and they can see im doing launry, the kids are well fed and taken care, they take the kids for a week, we have to go to court and i have cps up in my house once a week to make sure it stays sterile. judge orders mental health eval for me but cps never follows through with it.along come march and some moron decides to shoot at a dog that is in front of a bedroom that some kids are sleeping in....thats it, ive haad enough were moving. This is after the boys and i get back from spending a lovely week in arizona with my mother. we getlucky and find a townhouse in a quiet area. the landlord happens to keep a police scanner and wehn she heard that the rport on the scanner wa where we were living, she moved us in right away. we had a car now, dad had bought us one when they came to vosit for thanksgiving in the mudst of all the drama. so where moving everything with a little 2 door sedan and the tow truck as quickly as we can. the last day we are there, the health deparment comes in to ur aprtment and condemns the complex...what a laugh...and it was actually because of us because cps called the health department.
we get all settled in and cps stops coming around as much. but with the other aprtments being condemned we let a coupl and their children stay with cuz we couldnt see the kids on the street, DISASTER#1. neither did anything, didnt help with the bills or food but went out to eat and not taking us, wouldnt get a job...so boom stan says out you go. here comes july again. 2 years 4 moves later and im seriously regretting coming to california. and my mental status is going from bad to worse. Mom comes and takes me and the boys to see robin and bobi and robin and i make peace at long last and had a really great time. My big heart, and dumb brain, DISASTER#2 here comes barts sister,and her 2 kids. She at least cleaned. But she also liked tow truck drivers. Soon enough her husband joins us and he at least got a job. Halloween rolls around and they up and disappear...poof. Things settle into a somewhat normal routine and are going along peacefully...when I get a cancer scare and decide that WE are going to quit smoking. No problem for Stan...me, theres a problem it lasts about a month then im sneaking smokes in the bathroom. I finally tell Stan and decide than 1201 January 1. 1999 im through, quit, done. The house is amazingly clean. Things are going along and here comes January 15th...the start of the further descent into hell. Im watching Erakas girls so she can ride with allen and spend some time with him. the phone rings and i answer it the rest of the night goes something like this...."Is this Laura McAllister...Yes, it is...The is the Fresno Police Department. I'm sorry to tell you but your husband has been in a serious accident and is on the way to the hospital with serious injuries." Click I yell everyone get your coats on now a i run next door and beg them for a cigarette. I get the kids all loaded up and haul ass to the hospital. I leave them in the car and run in, but hes not there...ok, so somehow i beat the ambulance . i go back out tot he car and wait for the ambulance to get there...schreech...heres one of the tow drivers, he jumps out bawling like a baby, im so sorry im so sorry....my panic level is rising...where in the hell is he? they took him to a different trauma center and im supposed to go back to the aprtment and wait for eraka to come get the kids and allen will take me to the hospital...i beg a couple of cigs from him and haul ass back to the house....im pacing, calling my mom and his mom and trying not to freak out the kids. eraka gets there, takes all the kids and i snag a couple of cigs from her. Allen drives a big flatbed you can hear coming a mile away, im in the cb damn near before he get it stopped. i grab his cigs and asks what hes hes waiting for. he hits is lights, runs every red light to the freeway and makes it just under 10 miles in a little over 5 minutes. im out of the truck before he has it stopped. i get in and after a couple minutes of lost looks and me in neaar hyesteria, they figure out he is in xray and take me to his room.. They let allen back and we both pace. allen fills me in on what happened as far as he knew...Stan had his truck parked facing into traffic was standing beside the truck, trying to lift his floor jack down when this car comes barrelling down the street hits stan in the side, rolls him between the car and the truck and tosses him under the back of the truck. A passerby stops gets in the truck on the radio and starts yelling for help. Well here comes stan out of xray, hapy because they had finally taken the c collar and back board off, but they have cut his clothes off his lower body is a solid mass of bruises, the worst of which i had yet to see, his ankle is HUGE and turned wrong and theres blood everywhere. He has a huge bandage on his side. We finally get xrays back and he has a spiral fracture of his right ankle. they move us to another room so they can put a splint on him. meanwhile here come all the drivers one or 2 at a time trying to keep my spirits up...alllen and i smoked a pack of cigs between the 2 of us in about 4 hours...doc loads stan up on pain killers, puts some staples in his side, splints his ankle, gives us crutches and finally sends us on our merry way. Now comes the funny...well not so funny then but it is now..part. Stan, who is not a little man, in the middle of january, in 2 hospital gowns, stoned out of his head on crutches, trying to climb up into the high ass cab of the tow truck...why no one thought to get a car i dont remember but we finally get him in the truck me in the truck and a much slower ride back home with me alternately crying and laughing, cuz the best part is yet to come...we have to get him OUT of the truck and into the apartment, thank God we had a town house....well allen manages to step on stans foot trying to help him in the house, at which point allen starts crying...we finally get him in the house, where he stumbles across the living room does a face plant on the couch and doesnt move. Allen gives me a pack of cigs and finally leaves. i get some blankets, get stan covered up, make a bunch of calls and then i collapse in the recliner...the next thing i remember is stan screaming cuz he has to go to the bathroom and keeps falling off the crutches...i go get the office chair from the kitchen and roll him to the bathroom, where even more fun is him rtying to stand and pee. one hand on the wal and one on a crutch. And thus beggins 8 months of hell and torture/
I manage to get him out to the car annd back to the hospital for follow up where while checking over his xrays to decide what theyre going to do about his ankle, we find out hes fractured his pelvis...no more crutches its wheelchar time. They decide to do surgery in a couple of days outpatient so he can go home that night. Well we figure out my car isnt goinng to work cuz its a 2 door and very small. We arrange for another car to pick him up and get him home, another hialrious comedy of errors due to his drugged condition. i get him in the recliner with a urinal and i colapse on the couch. Well we sort of settle into a routine using the office chair and a crutch and him in the chair andme on the couch. and the beginning of child terrorism. the boys quickly realized that especially if mommy wasnt home they could get away with anything cause all they had to do was run up the satairs and daddy couldnt. I had moved our matress downstairs because he couldnt get up teh stairs and i couldnt sleep when he wasnt next to me. Then he got an infection and i had to give him iv antibiotics at home, which was fun because i had get up every 3 hours to give it tohim. that lasted about 2 weeks. slowly he started getting better, but had pain in his thighs that nobody could figure out. Finally they stuck a needle in and sucked out a bunch of liquified fat and blood. The accident left him with misshappen thighs and and hal a butt cheek missing due to the fat being squished. Having him around 24/7 started to get old real fast and we would fight...alot...so i started going out usually with eraka to drink and sing karoke. It got to be a routine. Then came Easter, Start of DISASTER#3...i get a phone call from mom telling me her and dad would by the next afternoon on their way to seattle, bobbis house had burned to the ground. Fortunately no one was hurt. My boys bless their hearets went through their room and made a box of toys for the kids and i got up early and hit the store and made up new Easter baskets for them. I was still doing all the driving and we drove out to the truck stop to meet them. It was a quick meal and they were on their way...here comes June again...by now im really hating march april and june.. i get a call from bobbi, shes pregnant and wants to come live with me....alarm bells ringing in my head...but i say go ahead. so now we have bobbi and her 3 kids living with us. we get her an apartment a couple of doors down that whole mess ended in disaster, now im starting to hate halloween too. Bobbi picks the kids up from school and disappears...were calling all the hospitals, the police everything cuz shes a very high risk pregnancy...nothing...vanished from the face of the earth. Phone rings aat 2 in the morning..mom...seems bobbi just showed up on her front door...she didnt like Californias rules for getting foodstamps and stuff and decided to go live with mom...dad comes out and we pack up her place and its goodbye and good riddance...no more helping anyone out.
By this its decided that Stan willnever be able to drive a tow truck again so once again were back on disability payments andhes back in school. we get a bike for him to ride cuz now I have to go to work. I start working for Uahul..and things just seem to move along, Hes doing great in school, graduates and starts teaching at the same school...imove to a new job in uhaul....we muddle along take a trip ti arizona to see my brother get married...plan our 10 year anniveraary renewal of our vows, by now im in my third spot at uhaul and hes working for a technical temp company picking up whatever jobs he can. Robin and the girls come down for the wedding and mom and dad come out...we just keep muddling along...then comes October...uhal starts cutting my hours, so i pick up aprt time work at the corner gas station. this works well for a month then i finsihed my shift at uhaul run home change and am about to walk out the door to go to the gas sation when i get a call asking me to go work at a different uhaul that night. when i tell him i cant he gets mad and hangsup on me..3 days later i get fired from uhaul...no biggie, gas station wants to give me more hours anyway....which was good because i liked the job better, was closer to the kids and just generally more convienent. here comes superbowl sunday...4 in the afternoon, all is quiet everyones at home watching the game...parking lot full of people getting gas, and i get a gun stuck in my face..well back when i had the cancer scare and started getting weird stan got me into mental health and told them to medicate me or keep me...so im under doctors care, already haiving problems with nightmares and anxiety after the events of 9-11 and i get robbed at gunpoint for 53 dollars...
As i look back at it now 7 years later, i can see that that was a pivotal point in my mental status.

As i look back now, 7 years later, I realize that day was a pivotal point in my mental status. thats when i started going downhil into the slide to where im at now. That was the day i started withdrawing and becoming more and more agorophobic, not leaving the house unless i had to. Even though i pushed for my advancement, if the doctors had been paying attention, then i might not be where i am now. i was an assistant manger for a gas station and slowly became unable to deal with cutomers. i started calling in sick, leaving early and coming in late. Stan was gone for the better part of a year, and i spent 5 months on bedrest becuase i disloacted my knee. I went through 3 managers at one store, the last one passing away, leaving me to run the store by myself for 4 months, but instead of making me manager of that store, they moved me to a biggger store, where i wasnt very welcome by the staff already there. just over a year after moving to taht store, things were bad at home. in april that year i had cataract lens replacement suregery, and the ight before, wen i was terrified of having a knife in my eye, when i needed love and reassurance what i got was..."lets fuck cuz we wont be able to for 6 weeks". the next setback was our trip to see my daughter graduate. the trip was cut short cuz his mother wanted to stop and see some dog, that we didnt even do. while we were on this trip my feet swelled to 3 times their normal size and i could barely walk. i went to the doctor and my blood pressure was sky high. a week later, my potaassium bottomed out and they had to hve stan come get from work and take me to the hospital. we thought i was having a heart attack and i was terrified adn crying, afraid i was going to die. His response was, shut up and quit acting like a baby. 2 weeks later i started dating a coworker, and got my first tattoo. then the beginning of october my best friends husband was in a serious accident and she needed help so i started staying wit her. made seeing the bf easie, but i also started drinking again. by december, we had tried marriage counseling and i was living with my friend. in feb she got a house so i took over her lease on the apartment. come the end of march i had surgery on the other eye and we all thought it best if i moved back to stans while i recovered. By this time i had also changed stores agin, and pretty much ran the store. while recovering from surgery, we all talked and decided i would move back and stay with stan, but i slept on the couch instead of with him. Then in april I met seth, who became my Master. I started making excuses for staying with friends just to spend time with him.
then came mothers day weekend. we had made plans for me to camp out with seth for the weekend. in a major misunderstanding stan said if i left i could never come home again. well i took it to mean that if i went on the camping trip i could never go back, and i was already on the trip. Seth and i spent a month living in a hotel and my car until someone found out we were living in my car. i had also lost my job by then. we ended up enrolling in school. the first week of school i had surgery on my arm, and wanted stan there, but he wouldnt take the time, so i had seth and my boys there. the boys started coming down and spending weekends wit me, erin more than will, but i made it through the semester barely, and was becoming more and more agorophobic. by december, i barely left the house. then in january seth and i had to mov out. we stayed with a friend for 2 weeks until he told me if i didnt fuck him then seth and i had to get out. we had 2 hours to do so. we went back to where we were for a few days then another friend found us a place to live. during this time, stans grandma had a stroke and they sent her home to die. erin said he couldnt live in teh same house she died in so he ended up living with us. well things were sort of smooth seth went to school and i studied online. then things went horribly wrong and eth and i were out on teh streets again. we spent most of the month of june in a hotel, and part of july at friends, a hotel and sleeping in the car. then we found the house i live in ow, when we moved in it had no walls or ceilings, and most of the floors were gone. we were supposed to get supplies to do the repairs on the house, but it never came. we spent from july until march living in the kitchen because it was the only complete room. I got on disability by then and we got thigs like a washer adn dryer and stuff like that . when we finally started getting supplies, we were able to move into the main part of the house. we had floors but still no walls or ceilings. we made do with sheets dividing the rooms and plastic on the ceiling.i got us on a program tha gor us a new refridgerator and an air conditioner. things were still fairly smooth except erin wouldnt go to school. we finally got him enrolled in home school and seth kept going to college and i bevame homebound. i was hospitalized on a suicide watch while they figured out my meds and i had a hysterectomy because of masses in my terus. theni messed up my knee. i spent most of 2010 on bed rest for one reason or another. then mom guilted me to make a trip to arizona for thanksgiving. the week before our trip, seth brought another girl nto our home, screwed her on my sons bed, and she told me she was going to have his baby for him since i couldnt. i let it go until after our trip. then i told hem he had to let her go. i thought things were going ok. he found a friend to help us start getting the ceilngs up. he had a fiend who had pneumonia and was sleeping in a car. i said no way and moved him in with hus. by now we were starting to get supplies and the work was getiing done. then the first weekend in feb, we had company and we were waiting on seth who never came home. the next night, while i was asleep, he came in, grabbed his stuff and moved out on me. Zack kept on working on the house until i sent him to ohio the end of april. seths leaving brought out a new symptom, cutting. first it wwas just my arm, then it progressed to carving names in my legs. Now Erin and Will are mad at me, Erin refuses to talk tome, seth doesnt want me, but keeps messing in my life, and i now have a Mistress to take care of me while im training another sub and prtecting still another one from seth.
and so ends the story of the last 20 years since daddy died. i started a memorial page for him in rememberance of the 20 years. ive rekindled old friendships and made some new ones. I learned to let go of things, and now if i can just fix my relationshup with my son, then my life will be complete.
I love You Da, and i know ive ket you down, but im trying to fix things, and i know you have my back and are there to keep me alive. I hear you telling me it isnt time yet, so i keep on keeping one. And you were almost right daddy...duct tape really does fix everything...except a broken heart.

with all my love
your firstest baby girl
Rusti

copyright Laura Lee McAllister

now teaching, training and mentoring bigguy82

If you know Master Cloud, please read

I am Master Cloud,I am merely and simply a Humiliation Master with tendencies in Bondage and Teasing. I am searching for any girls,bois or trans that seek an absolutely Dominant Master which will control their very lives as if they were His own. I have also taken a huge interest in hypnosis and have had a few successes in it with getting people into trance. The main thing i do with hypno is cause pleasure with it and also if submission is your goal then i can use that to help even more. Journal Entries for MasterCloud: 11/17/2008 12:23:17 AM [Report Entry] Have you ever wondered what your parents would say if they knew half the things you did during your entire life,i honestly have because ive hidden things ive done from my folks,and its been nagging at me ever since my grandfather died,why i hid my being a Dom from him,guess i was kinda scared hed hate me for it,but now,i wonder just what he would say,guess its kinda stupid to wonder what the dead would say,but thats not me,i always wonder these kinds of things and i do wonder what his exact words would be,or if they would be along the lines of 'Whatever makes you happy makes me happy as well',i dont know,maybe im just being sappy cause this is the month he died in,but i do know that even Doms feel sadness and emotions,so i dont believe im weak as some Doms here will probably tell me,infact,i believe having emotions will make me even stronger than hiding them away and not letting them out. 11/16/2008 5:41:23 AM [Report Entry] Well,here it is,basically 1 year after my grandfathers death,and i still have trouble actually believing he is gone,i keep expecting to call back home and hear his voice in the background and have an actual conversation with him just like i used to before this all happened with him getting lung cancer and dieing from it,the only good thing of it all was getting to see his youngest great grandson take his first steps and say his first words,there can be consolence in that in the least,so i merely ask that for the rest of this month,E/everyone please give me at the very least,the respect for my family,thank Y/you. 11/5/2008 6:08:37 AM [Report Entry] I cannot believe that obama would win the election,yes he may be the first black president but i doubt that he will live very long either after his inaugeration or he will get assassinated before it as i believe that noone in this country actually trusts someone that lies about who they are 9/4/2008 3:08:40 PM [Report Entry] My slave celt has realised her wrongs after seeing a married couple fighting at the place were staying for now and does not want that to be us,i have told her that it will not be and i plan for it not to be as when we get our own place i plan to hypnotize her and have her be completely and totally within the house 100% obediant,even when it comes to there being multiple slaves,if that does not work i will be leaving lemoore california and moving to chicago illinois to start fresh. 6/19/2008 1:00:01 AM [Report Entry] Been a Dominant for almost a year active and have a slave girl now and another coming soon and as always looking to add to my poly house,if you want to talk with me or just find out my trade secret,then merely ask and i might tell for something in return. He claims to be a humiliation Master...well im here to tell hes one alright. it wasnt bad enough that he brought another woman in our house and screwed her in my sons bed, or that she told me she was going to have his baby since i cant...oh no...it got better...he packed and moved out while i was asleep, and didnt even have the balls to say goodbye, taking games that had been bought for my son along the way...or even that a 24 year old man put my 16 year old son in a choke hold....it got even better....he told people on a website that i abused him..nope, he still had to take it one step further and call child protective services on me and try to get my son taken away from me...and then had the nerve to look me in the eye and tell me he still loves me but couldnt trust me because i changed his status messages on a couple of his websites. at least i didnt follow his move and totally delete the pages like he did his ex wife's. All of this after i supported him finacially with the help of my ex-husband for 3 years while he went to college and had kept several onlne girlfriends while he slept in my bed. i kept a roof over his head, and food in his stomach and clothes on his back and shoes on his feet, and a phone so he coould keep in touch with his girlfriends and a computer so he could show off his cock everytime he went into the bathroom with the computer. Call me stupid. i feel so worthless and useless right now that the only reason im havent slit my wrists is because i dont want my son to find me. he managed to destroy me completely. i hope it made him feel like a mand to destroy me completely. And now to top it all off, he cost me the friendship of 2 girls i considered my daughters. And he doesnt even have balls enough to talk to me himself, he has to have all his girls do his battles for him. i let him screw me on the hood of my car out in the open where anyone could see me, and lay beside him while he watched other girls bounce their tits and finger themselves on camera next to me. i watched as he had boys slam books on their cocks for disobeying him, and him mentally abuse my 16 year old son, all because i loved him enough to walk awy from a 15 year marriage because he promised me he would never leave me, hed never hurt me like id been hurt in the pas and hed always be there. Why did he leave me, because one woman isnt enough for him. he has to have several to keep as pets because it makes him more of a man., well he needs to grow up and realize that the best thing he ever had, he walked away from, because i lost my relationship with my son defending him because i love him. this is your son, your nephew, your friend. this is what he has become. and dont let him fool you, he was kicked out of the navy because he is a lazy slob who couldnt adjust to life with other people. this is the boy you love. who gets his rocks off by hurting and humiliating women. i love him, God help me, and will always love him, but he has cost me my looks (i have his name carved all over my body) my friends, and the love of my son. God have mercy on him, cuz hes heading for a serious fall, and i wont be there to catch him this time.

copyright Laura lee McAllister

perhaps because he is younger, perhaps it is also the fact that he was raised on a little creek in alaska and never had social interaction until he joined the navy. he couldnt adjust there, and still does not fit into society. he needs to learn how to interact with real people not just online. we had 3 good years, i should be thankful he wasnt abusive to me and did alot of good things for me that few people know about. i hope he grows up and learns how to interact in society, before he gets seriously hurt. i still love him and would do anything for hin, but he has to learn and grow and become a man. i hope he finds happiness and love, and if he ever needs me, i will always be here for him.

Now Owned, Collared and under the protection of Master Kriss

Sweet dreams to all who love me. and please send me love, i need it ina very bad way...id kil to have a mand to just hold me right now...anytakers?

going offline now...hope i can wake up from the nightmare of being abandoned by everyone

i am now under the protection of master Wyld

looking for One who knows how to scritch my nose, where to tickle me, tease me about anime,knows precisely where to scratch my back to get a response, knows how much i love to watch divas wrestle, and knows my paasion for chocolate and licorice. One who makes spaghetti with olives, who catches me before i fall and  gets  mad when i wash dishes or do laundry. The One with fangs, Who loves dragons as muchas i do, pulls my hair til i say what He wants, that spanks meon the hood of the car out in the open, likes empty paintball fields and darky empty parking lots. if You know Him, please tell Him i love Him

No longer seeking

No longer seeking

45 year old, homebound with agorophobia, live with 16 year old son, looking for ful time r/l Master to take care of me. see my profile for limits. hard litmits and hates are non negotiable. no web cam at the moment but will send pics on request

 no more crying...its been too many days sso im gonna assume Hes done with me and put myself back out there in the market looking for a live in real time Master who can deal with emotional problems and can take care of me

 no more crying...its been too many days sso im gonna assume Hes done with me and put myself back out there in the market looking for a live in real time Master who can deal with emotional problems and can take care of me

Still crying. havent heard one word from Him. i dont know whats going on, if He has abndoned me, or i did something wrong and am being punished, i am so confused. Do i look for another Master or just keep sitting and crying and waiting for Him to contact me. i love and adore my Master.

i sit here in tears feeling like Master just plain abandoned me. He hasnt talked to me once today. i am crying because i dont want to lose another Master so soon, and i thought He was the one because He was kind, understood my limitations and talked to me. If anyone has heard from Master Hypnomn, please let me know He is ok

unsure what is going on, 2 days now and Master hasnt talked to me. i have no idea if ive done something wrong, or if He is ok. cried myself to sleep last night waiting for the phone to ring. idk what to do. did He give up on me and i need to look for another new Master, or is there something serious in His life and i should wait a few more days.

Woke up from a dream that Master was sleeping beside me to find a warm spot in the bed next to me as if He had just lefft my side. Made me kinda sad that it was only a dream, but i hope that it is a dream that will soon come true. I love my Master and am counting the days until He is here beside me.

Today i found out just how much master loves me. i was having a bad day with the depression and He listened thru all my rants and raves, and even when i tried to push him away , He refuses to leave. Only 2 weeks to go til He comes to visit...i canr wait, im so excited....i love my Master

Today, i woke up wet from dreaming of my wonderful Master. When He got home from work, i sent Him som pictures of me, and using cyber, serviced His magnificent cock until W/we both come. i love pleasuring my Master, and it makes me feel good to make Him feel good and cum. Master makes me feel as if i am the most important and the only person in His world.

My name is BBWslaverusti. i belong to Master Hypnoman. If you wish to discuss mew, pleasse contact hHim.

i am agorophobic and cannot leave my house. i am strictly looking for younger men, preferably under 35. please do not ask if you cannot understand these things.

45 year old wome who absolutely loves and adores younger Dominant malees. Miliatary men are a plus, as are firefighters. I adore uniforms.