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I gave up for a while.
I'm on the other site, same name. I don't want to cancel the account yet because I had forgotten this exists.. how ..hard I was. I can be. Could be. |
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I thought I was a cynical and jaded gal. Nothing could surprise me, and perhaps that is true online. I've been through a lot in the cyber world but I hadn't felt my submissive state so acutely than when I was at an NLA social a couple of days ago.
I can be a sassy girl around the net and dish it out pretty good without fear of many consequences. However, at that social a casual comment I made in the presence of three Dominants got me into trouble - it was all teasing and in jest, partly, but still I couldn't defend myself without making it worse. So taking the advice of some nearby bottoms I simply just stayed quiet. It was difficult. I didn't want to come across as a brat and wanted to explain my comment, but I bit back the words and stayed quiet. I can't quite place the feeling afterward. Was it frustration? Contentment? Embarassment? I thought I knew it all but in reality I know nothing.
I've also found that I'm still so very shy. It's taking a lot of courage to get out there and put myself in a position to be judged and in a position to be rejected face-to-face. Opening myself to a different world of hurt, but a new and exciting world of pleasure too. The pleasure to give and serve and be pleasing - and let's not forget the purely sexual thrill of exploring this naughtier side of my psyche. |
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Congratulations to myself. I went to my first play party!
A friend introduced me to and from there I inquired as to whether the local community was big. I got my responses, met a local Dominant and his slave and they invited me to both a local munch and a play party, but the monthly play party was scheduled first.
I gathered up my courage and asked if I could be invited. They agreed to sponsor me and off I went!
It was last Saturday - my first foray into the realness of this lifestyle. Twelve long years of online, and finally my first introduction to real. I was so nervous, but I think I managed myself alright. I wrote a longer journal entry about it all at and I wonder if it would be redundant to post the same thing here.
In any event I'm very glad I went. I went knowing I wouldn't play and just observe, and I was quite the naughty voyeur. Lots of things happened were likely pretty normal for the party, but for me.. my heart was racing, hands were sweating and .. well.. thighs were clenching.
I've got yearnings now, and I'm planning on attending a munch on Thursday. I just hope anyone who spoke to me at the party will forgive me when I forget their name - I have a bad memory and the night was very eventful for me.
Yay me!
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Happy Birthday to me! 35 years old now. I had a simple day yesterday since I had to work. My sister flew in from Quebec though, and we went for a mani and pedi before going out for dinner and drinks. I enjoyed myself thoroughly. And I'm considering throwing an impromptu BBQ for a couple of close friends this weekend.
Now as to why I'm really writing. I started this journey of mine back when I was 23 and found the world and wonders and gloriousness of D/s. Yesterday I turned 35. What the fuck is holding me back? Ohyea.. courage. The courage to love myself enough to give myself to a Man without running him off with my sarcasm and/or lack of opening truly to him.
Anyway, I hope everyone enjoys their weekend. I'm going to do my best to.
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Ok, go me! I got a promotion at work. And while it comes with no monetary gain, I am now part of that elite 'day shift' crowd. I say that because it's true. One has to put in the years there to gain a foothold in the day shift.
It's been a long time since I was a 9-ish to 5-ish! This should lead to more time for a social life ... bah who am I kidding - everyone I know has an evening shift!
It's going to be weird getting used to being part of the normal world.. and as long as it's not entirely vanilla, I'll be okay.
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OK, it must be something in the air because I just keep getting these thoughts that I have to share.
Firstly, I would like to put out there that I am not looking for a sugar daddy. Now let me just do this little thing here about books.
I devour romance novels and typically the main female character is a strong woman - usually with a some hardships - and the main male character is a strong, wealthy, Dominant, take-charge kind of man. He sweeps into her life and show her the luxuries she couldn't afford and takes over her life - oh, and solves or helps solve the hardship she has. She protests and they have a fight but their sexual heat, attraction and eventually love is developed enough so that it all works out in the end.
That is the nature of a romance novel. How compelling! How extraordinary! What a fantasy! What a crock!
I love romance. I adore it! But seriously, when does that ever happen? I haven't heard of it. So while it's nice to dream of it, to fantasize about it, it's not going to happen.
I work two jobs and pay my bills. I handle my outrageous rent increases and try to cut back on the extras in my budget. It doesn't leave me a lot of financial room, or time to be a sugar momma.
So for anyone looking for a rich gal with a lot of extra time on their hands to pander to you .. sorry. That just isn't me at this time in my life.
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Summer's almost over. Well for those of us in Alberta, we know it's over. Those warm days didn't last long, did they? Geesh! Coming from the Okanagan I'm certainly not used to this! Anyway, my summer was alright. I spent some time with my sister in Quebec but didn't get out to BC. I do have tentative plans to travel home after Thanksgiving, so I'm crossing my fingers things work out.
I get messages here. I reply to some and a conversation of sorts is started. I guess I just had a flash of realization here that collarme messages are a little difficult to maintain a good thread of conversation. Especially when I log on and check messages in the midst of getting ready in the mornings. For that I apologize. I should devote more concentrated time with the people taking time to actually respond to me and my profile.
Also, I have not found my One. Then again, as I just explained, I have not given anyone a good chance to become my One. How true to my fickle nature .. and how like me to have a moment of realization in the midst of my hectic morning routine! Now if I can just remind myself to take more time with you good folk perhaps I'll get somewhere.
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Spring is here! Yay! Lilacs are blooming and my patio is filled with pots of flowers that promise to be a riot of pretty color. It was a long winter. A long, cold, lonely winter. It wasn't all completely bleak, but it could have been a helluva lot better! But now that spring is here I can shake off the blues.
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Happy Birthday to me! 34! Woo! ... hoo..!
I had a good birthday bbq party for friends and family this year. It is more expensive and more work to throw myself a party, but I have to admit it was also deeply satisfying to see people smiling at my efforts. It is the sub in me to blossom toward praise and open affection. I know I'll be doing it again this year! (The bbq, not the birthday).
The strange thing is that I can see myself in a relationship and working hard to ensure my Man is satisfied in all ways as much as possible. Of course that's not surprising to anyone here at collarme considering the D/s nature of the site, but when I am a sounding board to all my friends' relationship woes I really just want to tell the women to pamper and indulge their men a bit more and quit nagging them.
I'm getting older and wiser. Hurray?
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I just thought I'd add that I'm REALLY glad to be home. Really glad. Really really.
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I just got back from my three week vacation in Ottawa. It went alright I suppose - I was visiting family, so how much fun could it have been? Heh. Anyway, I'm just really glad to be home and in my own apartment again. I didn't realize how much I just need my own space sometimes - my own things - my own way of doing things. Am I that OCD? Good question. Then again, three weeks with my mother would drive any person to yearn for their own place AND pace. I had a fantastic visit with my sister and my brothers and my two nieces though. Yay!
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I feel like I'm in heat or something! It's so bad that I'm thinking of going over to my friend's house because she has a little dog that just -loves- my elbow. Some action is better than none, yea? hahahaha!
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So, the month of May just flew by for me. I had a birthday so I'm now 33 years old. Another year older and another year that I haven't fulfilled my sexual needs in real life. I more than qualify for re-virginization! I'm going to try and keep an open mind about exploring, despite misgivings et al. -mumble-
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Holy hell! It's been a while since I even logged onto the site. It's all my fault of course. I kind of forgot about it til a couple of nights ago when I was lying in bed and pleasuring myself. I was focused on a fantasy and was half-chiding myself for not having the fantasy for real. Of course then I remembered about my goal to put myself out there and then *flash* I remember collarme .. again.
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I've been back at work for over a month now, and boy does time fly when you have something to DO every-goddamn-day! The daily grind of getting up, getting ready and going to work, working, coming home and starting the whole cycle over again is surprisingly easy to fall back into. I sure do miss having hour after hour of time off, but I can't say I miss being so bored and feeling cut off from everything and everyone I enjoy. So.. the final verdict so far is that I'm glad and content to be where I am right now. Of course... I really could use some spare time and money to redo the bedroom and the patio could use some work...... -laughing-
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Hurray! The neurosurgeon gave me good news : I can go back to work, and I've arranged to do so starting on Monday! The excitement will likely wear off after a couple of weeks, but for now I'm just grateful that I'm not going to require surgery! |
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So it's been months and months of waiting to see doctors and specialists. Ugh! I did take a month and go to Ottawa to see my family over the holidays. Long story there, but ultimately it was a worthwhile trip. To tell the truth, I forgot about collarme.com until last night in that half-asleep dozy moments right before true slumber. So I'm here this afternoon browsing through some profiles and belatedly realized that hey.. the last entry in my journal is a bit out of date. Consider this sucker updated. |
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Okay.. what the fuck! Yea, the doctor nailed it on the head - I've got a pinched nerve. My right hip, and my leg from the knee down are numb all the blasted time, toes included! I'm now on the waiting list to get an MRI and I'm told that the wait time could be from a couple of months to over a year. ... ..... ...... Ex-fucking-cuse me? I'm hurting already and can't imagine months of just trying to get day-to-day shit done. Yes, I am venting, and a little cranky while I wait for the magic pill to kick in. I went out today - a movie and some casual shopping with a friend and was just sweating and clenching on my purse strap with the amount of pain from just WALKING to the goddamn car. -whimper- Anyway. I'm at home again, and thankfully my boss is being reasonable about this. Thank goodness I'm employed full-time with some kickass benefits! --kalana |
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Turns out I pinched a nerve in my hip. Fuckin hell it hurts! I will be woozy on the pills the doctor prescribed for me this weekend, so my apologies in advance for slow and perhaps incoherent responses. |
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I think I'm really enjoying the people I'm corresponding with! There are some really interesting characters with engaging stories to share once I get past the 'meat market' trollings of some folks. It all hinges on my honesty.. instead of trying to edit and come across as something I might not really be, I'm simply answering questions honestly and giving responses in the same manner. I guess I just never realized what an interesting and engaging character _I_ am! |
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I'm a little .. hmmm.. what's the word? discouraged? Frustrated? Not quite the level of 'frustration', and not really 'discouraged'. Maybe a tad disappointed? Allow me a moment to explain myself: when I receive a msg, I typically look at the person's profile to get a glimmer of an idea of who is responding to my profile or asking me a question. Now then, when the profile I'm viewing has no information (ie an age of 99, no picture and so on), how am I to respond to the person? I'm trying to be real and would hope that I am deserving of the same courtesy. In the end I'll just say that I do not feel comfortable answering probing questions from a person sporting a generic profile. |
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Blast. No formatting allowed in journal entries? |
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It's been a few days since I first posted my profile here, and I have to reiterate that the response has been really positive. I've had some odd Mails, but have done my best to reply to all of them - even if it was to tell the person I though we wouldn't suit.
Rejection.
I suppose we can all take comfort that at least it is not a face-to-face rejection, right? This mail/text/cyber world makes everything a little easier - at least for those of us who try not to totally immerse ourselves in the cyberness of it all.
Online. Cyber. The fantasy that one can create with a few well-placed words. The image one can project with a nicely written description/profile. A simple omission turns into a small fib which snowballs into a complete lie. And then one becomes so comfortable in the lie that when true emotions are touched upon, it's easier to continue the lie than it would be to tell the truth and face the consequences. While the fantasy is much more sexy, the reality HAS to be better.
It appears I rambled on there for a moment.. caught up in a few memories of my experiences, the experiences of folks I've met online. |
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I'm a little surprised at how may collarme.com mails I've received. Some were generic 'how are you' types, but a couple of them have been more direct 'do you want to meet' types.
I wonder if I know what I want. I mean, here I am putting up a profile and pictures and so on, and yet when a local Dom expresses interest, I'm put off. I'm so damn perverse, or as one mail stated: Complicated. |
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Well, I was on IRC and saw a name I hadn't seen in a few years. While we were chatting, she told me she had registered here and was getting positive responses. Soo, I decided to try it too. It appears my picture is still in the approval stages, but my textual profile is up. Now to go browsing.. is this like cyber window-shopping? |
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