JMBlack

What is does this lifestyle mean? That's a difficult question to answer (heh, and an interesting one for me to start my first journal with).  It means so many different things to so many different people.  Those that are ignorant would say that we're just sexual deviants.  I can't help but softly laugh at those that do and shake my head as I walk on by. I won't try answer what the BDsM lifestyle is for anyone else but me.  Even attempting to define what the lifestyle is about for myself is difficult.  I view it as a path, a road to self discovery.  There's an infinite number of paths, but this is the path that I've chosen.  It allows me to strip away the conventions of society and focus on growing and learning more about myself.  It allows me to use so many tools (toys or other things) that it makes my head swim when I think about it.  It's a road that can let me not only lead others on their journey, but in so doing, become even more than who I was a moment ago. The lifestyle is as layered as subspace or topspace is.  It's my rabbit hole that I have chosen to dive into rather than trying to stay on the edge in vanilla society.  I anxiously plunge into the depths to find what secrets I've buried in it due to any number of reasons.  Everytime I go deeper, I stop and catch my breath wondering if I've finally reached the end of it.  I look around and realize I've barely even started. It's a path of sexual energy, a path of learning (and not just about myself, but others and other philosophies as well), it's a philosophy, it's a lifestyle, it's spiritual, and so much more.  Every day I find out something new, I learn it, consume it and own it. When I first started my journey I had a whole book on things I wouldn't even consider doing.  Each page was filled with an item.  During my trek though, the pages have been torn away as I find that I can do things I once thought beyond me.  Additionally, I found that I enjoy things that I had never imagined I would. What brought me to where I am?  It's a two fold answer.  I have always been a leader, someone that's encouraged and guided others in becoming more of who they are.  Calling them out when something rang untrue or cheering for them when they made a new discovery.  I used to think that this was magnanimous of me and I would glow knowing I helped someone.  But, this lifestyle is about facing thruths no matter how hard they are.  I have learned that I did it because it helped me grow and just as importantly, it made me feel good.  So the reasons weren't as virtuous as I fooled myself into thinking, but I make no apologies for that and simply accept it with a smile. The second thing that finally led me here was a fascination with the taboo.  The more taboo a subject was, the more I was drawn to it (within reason).  I had to know about it, learn about it.  In so doing I found some repelled me with disgust, others were fascinating, and yet others excited me.  Even today as I continue to evolve, I constantly have to review my interests and decide how I feel about them.  Some things I once thought I couldn't do, I have learned I can do them, and with some enjoy them.  Things I was drawn to initially fade, new things come up and fade, old things return. What is this lifestyle mean? Simply put, for me, it means not to define myself in rigid terms.  Let myself be free to change and evolve.  Take pride that I am gentle, celebrate that I am also sadistic.  Love the fact that I am called a nice guy, laugh gleefully that I am called a cruel bastard.  And simply smile with a certain knowledge that I am all of this and so much more.  But, continue my path, continue to lead and guide others on their's, and be open to the fact that the words I've just written here can change in a moment as new truths are discovered and the old ones fade, to be put to rest. But, that's what the lifestyle means to me.