Close to my yearly update. 

This past summer was extremely difficult health-wise for my children :( 

Lived in the hospital for 4 months w/my son :*(

My life is solely centered around my children and their well-being. 

10/23/12

My yearly post. A lot has happened in the past year. Some good, some bad. We are very blessed with people in our lives who love us. 

Recently, reconnecting with someone...and time will tell. I am hopeful!

GOD bless everyone! Be safe!

It has been over a year since my last entry.  

I honestly didn't miss anything by not being here.  I do not miss the chat rooms nor the drama and all the lies.

I had the misfortune to fall in love with someone who is a liar and an abuser. He physically abused me, raped me, and threatened my life. I have wished millions of times that I could erase that day from my life and that it never happened. 

I was deeply in love with him and would do anything for him.  He forced humiliation and degradation upon me, knowing how much I abhorred it.  He threatened my life, knowing I have 2 children and they both have a life-threatening disease on top of it. 

He is an ultimate liar.  He proclaimed that he never loved his wife and truly loved me. - sardonic laugh - Knowing all the times he lied to her, I wish I was not so clouded in my brain with my love for him, I would had known how easy it was for him to lie to me just the same.  I was such a fool. Believing him. His lies, of that we would be together, and he would eventually get a divorce, him moving me closer to live near him.  - laughs harshly - All lies!!!

When push came to shove, and his wife found out, the woman he proclaimed to hate and never had loved, he sought to reassure her and left me in the dust. 

I feel terrible for her, actually. I hope she has made the right decision for her and their children and left him. I hope she has found happiness with a "true" man. 

He is someone who has a love/hate relationship with women. His stories of his life, college years, marriage, etc (if they were true??) gave me the perspective that he hates women, but, considering the fact he's not gay, he loves them purely for the physical gratification. 

If I had been wiser then, and more less naive, I would had called the cops on him the day he destroyed me. He deserved to had been placed behind bars. His world deserved to be turned upside down for all that he did to me.

Unfortunately, I didn't.  I was still under the illusion that he loved me. I, foolishly, loved him still. -another harsh laugh- What a foolish woman I was. 

Enduring all that I did, and for nothing. No true love afterwards.. No relationship that was real... I was left with nothing.  I was left with only scars mentally and emotionally.  The physical abuse is easily healed.  It's the other 2 that are not.

I sincerely hope no other woman will go through what I did. 

Forewarning to other women... he will portray himself to be "kind" "caring" " a friend at first" and will repeatedly tell you that he's "Christian".  He is none of those things. Perhaps, he lives the facade of being so, but, from experience, deep down inside, he is not.

He will also give "gifts", which, in truth, in retrospect, I realized were nothing more but his way of "paying" for your time. 

I may seem bitter and perhaps I am still.  What I hate the most, is that I permitted it to happen. 

Just because I am a submissive doesn't mean I give any man a right to abuse, rape, threaten my life. There may be those who are into humiliation and degradation and all other forms of abuse, but I am not that person.  He knew this.  Therefore, what he did was unconscionable! In my opinion, it was sick!!

I will say this.. no man will ever, ever treat me that way again. 

I will live my life alone for the rest of my years, before I ever go through that again. Not one man is worth any of that. 

For all of that, I am stronger and wiser. He may had destroyed me then, but, I'm back and even stronger than I was then. 

Per my Sir's orders.. i will be off fet and cm for awhile.. actually it's about 74 days.. or when Sir says i may come back to either website. Due to my past actions, this is one of my disciplines/punishments.

If anyone wishes to contact me, you may do so via my email or IM on Yahoo. Otherwise, i shall read up on y'all when i am permitted back onto the site.

Wishes everyone well. i will truly miss my Sir on here.

How does one picture love?
Sometimes I think of a pure white dove.
Other times, I feel it's this deep well
Filled to overflowing that swells
It consumes you
Everything  you think, feel, and do.

I have loved
I have been loved.

I am one of the lucky few
To experience love each time
Feels so exciting and new
It's raw and sublime.

To lose love is worse than any feeling I've known
It tears at your heart and soul
You feel such pain that is unknown
You ache and cry begging for yourself to become whole.

To be given another chance
Is like winning
Your heart hesitates at 1st glance
But then you go headfirst running.

You wonder, is this right?
Dare to do this again
What will make this time alright?
Am I committing a sin?
If I am,
Will I be forgiven for it?
I can only be me, for this is who I am
I shall pray, hope, and keep my faith strong and alive deep inside me where my heart sits.

~Kitty~ 1/11/09
**NO Copying or Stealing**

Happy Birthday to Master's Son!!!

Tomorrow is my mom's birthday!!!!

It was very beautiful out today... when the sun was out, it was warm, when the sun went behind the clouds, it got a lil chilly... but I love this type of weather... I wish it could be like this all year round.  I love Autumn !!!!

Last nite was a very emotional nite for me, as well as this morning.  I didn't workout.  It was pouring rain out this morning, coming down in sheets.  Then by early afternoon, it had cleared up; and by later, it was completely sunny.  You'd never had guessed the downpour in the morning.

Had fun tryin to keep the kids from playin in the puddles.  I had lost my sunglasses days ago, and it's a pain to be outside all day without them.  I have to remember to buy a pair the next time I am out.

Listening to Evanescence.  I love her songs.  They are from the heart and soul.  Her words I can relate to. 
I was told once that this song reminded this person of me


                                  Bring Me To Life
how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

now that I know what I’m without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
Free me tonight

frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead

all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

(Bring me to life)
I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside
(Bring me to life)



This is another of my favorites:

                                       My Immortal

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]

Got to be with my Master today.  We went online for a moment, and i got to chat for a few on His s/n.  Loved the advice from Simon on what to say if a subbie/slave messaged.. my favorite is "Chronicles of Kitty Taking Over".  Think i'll have that copyrighted. LOL
Master and i went out shopping, had to get a few umm... general items.. that typically, noone would raise their eyebrow at...but if they knew what Master was thinking.. omgosh, they'd be blushing prolly as much as i was.  LOL
We went out to eat, and Master had me try Salmon... i'm a good girl b/c i did try a small piece... umm... still not liking seafood... i was happy with my turkeyburger.
Came back to my home, and well.. yeah.. anyways, yeah.. *blushes and smiles @ memory*

i love my Master so very much and cannot see myself with Anyone else. .

i miss Him already *sighs* 2 weeks isn't typically long .. but at the same time.. it's forever it seems.  i wish it could be more often. 

my cell is fudged up again.. just got a replacement 2 days ago, from a replacement a month ago.. yeah.. can we say "RIDICULOUS".  Anywho, the technician 'John", was very nice, allowed my son to use their bathroom, and ended up giving me a new different style phone.  The one i had, has been fixed 7 times and replaced 3 times within this year, and they wanted to replace it again today.. that would of been 4 times.... So, i explained to him, that if i didn't get an upgrade, i was cancelling with them and goin to a different cell service.  He called customer service (b/c he couldn't just give me a phone).. on the phone with them for a good while.. Finally, customer service explains that they cannot upgrade my phone and would like me to submit an insurance claim, where they would then make a decision and would not give any guarantees that the "new" phone would be a different model and if they would refurbish it if there are problems.  So, hangin up with them, John tells me he's goin to look in the back to see what phones he has.. Came out with a new slider phone.. Seems kewl enough, gotta learn the new features.. am hoping it'll last for a good long while.  As i told John, "no offense, but i do not wish to come back here to your store anytime soon".  OKAY, so now my question.. why couldn't he give me the new phone upfront? Why the call to customer service that did diddly squat and had to wait there an hour or so??? Did i mention RIDICULOUS?!?!?!!!!!

Did i mention that i had a fantabulistic day with my Master and it makes me so happy to see and be with Him (in every way possible.. winks)... LOL

Okay.. i'm done gushing.. 2 weeks here yet? LOL

Yesterday was the anniversary to my Dad's death.  He died 7 years ago, 2 days before 9/11/2001.  I still miss him terribly every single day.  I always pray that he is looking down upon me and is proud of who I am.

I got to see my Sir today.  I was so extremely happy, that words cannot even describe accurately how I felt.  He's such a wonderful man and I am very blessed b/c I love Him and He loves me.  We had a great time together and I am looking forward to 2 weeks from now *grinz*.  It's going to be a very long 2 weeks, to say the least.   Wonders, if anyone will notice the change my Sir has made to my profile *happy smile*.   So, I had a fabulous day with Him and ummmm, YUMMY!! one.  He made sure I had my "protein" today.  *blushes*  Thank You Sir!!!!!!!

Then our afternoon together was cut a lil short b/c I got a phone call while we were out eating lunch.  My daughter's school called.  She was having difficulty breathing, took her inhaler and was still not feeling well.  I had the school nurse listen to her lungs while I was on the phone and she said that there wasn't any air flow in the lower right lobe.  So, Sir took me to go pick up my daughter from school, brought us home, and sadly (for me), He left to go back to His home.  I took my daughter to the pedi.. same thing.. the Dr. didn't hear any air flow in the lower right lobe and sent us to a lab to get x-rays which confirmed that she has pneumonia.  He then called our Pulmonologist (CF Dr.) and was told that she would have to be admitted into the hospital for the 2 week "clean-out".  I requested that since she has a port, that I be permitted to do her IV's here at home.  The Dr. called me back and said that I have to go see our CF Dr. tomorrow morning, she's goin to redo the x-rays and if it still shows the same, she'll get me the supplies and make the arrangements so that I can do the IV's at home and we can avoid the hospital stay.  I love our CF Dr., she is literally a life-saver.  She has saved both of my children's life (literally).  I'll never leave her.  I totally depend upon her.  She's so awesome.  She understands my arrangement of being a single mom, and realizes that I know what to do and that I can do needles and IV's and therapies and trusts me, so she allows me to do it all at home. She's truly a blessing in our lives.

Well, to sum up my day.... it was eventful.  With great highs (my Sir), and lows (my daughter being sick).  Talk about emotions running into 2 different directions. 

Anyways, I am thankful for my Master. I love YOU!!!!! As much as I was afraid to admit it... now I feel like I cannot say it enough, b/c I want You to know how deeply I feel for You and all that You mean to me.  It really makes me happy to know that You think of things "down the road" for U/us.  That You see U/us as long term.  You make me so happy!

I wrote this story for my Sir tonite


There once was this Knight.. who lived in a kingdom where there were not many maidens.. as He passed thru the village, He heard talk of one particular maiden..

 The people talked of how it is strange that she is still single when she is the most beautiful lady in town...
Noone could understand this
for all the knights who travelled thru ..did try their best win her favors.. but to no avail
 they each lacked something
they were either weak in character
or physique
 or were not that quite smart...

They tried giving her flowers they had found along the roadside.. but these meant nothing to her.. for she sees these all the time..
they tried to win her over by buying her silks they had purchased from vendors along the roadside.. again this didn't work
 they tried competing in tournaments.. and as you can guess.. it didn't work..

 So this particular Knight,
 He hears all this and becomes very curious to know who this maiden is..
why is she so unattainable??

Is she lookin for riches and wealth.. He had that.. is she looking for a strong man who takes cares of Himself.. He does that .. and He has been told that He is very intelligent with strategies.. for the kings all vie for Him to help them...

So He rides along on His big steed.. neither lookin left or right.. going straight to the manor... where He
greets the Mistress of the home.. and introducing Himself.. as
KnightBonder

The Mistress is flustered for she has heard of this great Knight
she invites Him inside to sit at the hearth as she runs to find her husband to tell him the exciting news of their visitor...
the housemaids come and give this fierce Knight a tankard of ale to quench His thirst from His long journey..
as He sits there.. waitin for the Master of the Manor to come.. He notices her.. not realizing it is her .. but He cannot take His eyes off of her...

she is dressed in emerald silks that form to the lines of her body as she moves about the great hall with grace and authority .. as though this is her home.. her beautiful long flowing red hair cascading down her back as she stops here and there to speak with the servants for this evenings meal...

 He is transfixed and cannot take His blue eyes off of her..
 
The Master of the Manor comes in and distracts this Knight from His perusal of this lady momentarily...
they greet each other heartily and move to sit over at the table to talk
the beautiful maiden glides over towards them.. her eyes meeting those of the Knight.. she feels her pulse raise and her heart race and her stomach doing flip flops.. though she tries to contain her composure...
she leans down and kisses her Papa on the cheek and smiles beautifully as she looks past her Papa to greet this Knight
her Papa introduces the Knight and she is at a loss for words for a moment when she realizes who this great man is
and He .. takes this moment of her silence to get a better look at her.. admiring how her bodice dips so her cleavage is showing and the way her waist is small and her hips flare.. His mind is racing of all the things He would love to do with her...

The Knight requests that the talk he was havin w/the papa be continued later.. and that perhaps He shall take a walk around the grounds.
Papa tells his obedient daughter to please show their guest around
she blushes slowly as she nods and says, " Yes Papa "

she turns to move towards the rear door that leads out to the gardens
feeling the Knight walking behind her..
as they enter the gardens.. she fiddles with her silks b/c she is very nervous
the Knight walks past her and continues forward til He comes upon a secluded area.. by trees and plants and small pond gurgling near by...

 He sits down upon the bench that was there and looks up to watch her move slowly towards Him
as she approaches and stands there silently.. not knowing what to do or say
He motions her a lil closer.. when she moves a couple more steps
He reaches out and touches her silks.. letting them slide thru His fingers
smiling up at her.. and without saying a word to her.. looks down to the ground before Him
as He awaits.. she falls to her knees before Him w/out even realizing as to why she is doing so and how did she know that is what He wanted???

she looks up at Him shyly.. her emerald eyes wide with unfamiliarity of this.. not certain what this is..

He smiles and tells her, " she is a good girl "
as He reaches forward and tugs on her hair to wrap it around His hand.. feeling the silkiness of it and the vibrant color contrasting against her pale skin

He speaks low.. and matter of factly.. "You are Mine"..
she stares at Him.. knowin this to be so.. but how? No other Knight has done this.. or made her feel this way.. and she doesn't even truly know Him.. but yet.. she feels it.. as surely He must.

she lowers her eyes to hide her sudden confusion of all she feels and what this means now.....
He reaches with His other hand.. and lifts her chin up so He may look into her eyes.. and says,  "do no fear lil one.. you were meant for Me.. you are Mine.. and forever shall be.. I own you.. completely without words or doubt. you know this to be so in your heart and mind."

With a slight pressure on her chin and another tug on her hair.. He pulls her up to a tall kneel and leans foward to kiss her..
it was a small kiss at first.. tentative.. His tongue tracing her lower lip.. until she gasps and opens her mouth.. then the kiss changes.. it becomes more bold and demanding
without realizing it.. she is moaning and reaching with her hands to grab onto Him.. pressing herself into Him.. 
He feels this and continues to kiss her.

Knowing it is so.. she is His.




Written ~Kitty~ 9/7/08
10:45pm

Friends

Life is difficult to understand
Perhaps it is not life in general
But people you come in contact with
For everyone have his or her own ideas and opinions
Many times they conflict with your own
Expressing yourself is a good trait to possess
Knowing when to talk and let yourself be heard
Or
Just being quiets and listen
Too bad not many people know how to do this
That is how many of arguments and fights begin
And how many of relationships end
So ask yourself
What type of person are you?
Do you just talk and talk
Without paying any attention to the other person
And noticing if you are hurting that person
Or
Are you the type that knows to stop and listen?
Not to just what is being said
But to what is unspoken
This is how you get to really know a person
You can see that others are just like you
They go through many hardships also
You can share in their triumphs as well as their
sorrows
If you happen to be one of the lucky (blessed) ones
You may just Fall In LOVE!!!!
The worst that can happen to you
Is that you will be considered a great person and
friend

WE ALL NEED FRIENDS

So I hope that all of you are as lucky as I am
That you have great friends
And that you yourself are one
May GOD bless all of you
And may you all STOP & LISTEN





4/22/00 5:30 PM


~Kitty~

To Let Go

To give completely without restraint
To submit fully without conscious thought
To release all hidden truths
To feel whole
To open all doors that have been securely locked
To envelope the exposed wonders that had been unknown
To believe again in yourself
To trust once more in yourself as well as Another
To walk down that path not yet taken
To explore the beauty of what is in ourselves
To believe with childhood openness instead of
society's cynic eye
To love with all our heart, mind, body, and soul
To allow yourself the freedom of abandon pleasures
To fully accept yourself for who you are not what
others wish you to be


[In my mind], this is what it
means To Let Go!!!




(written by: ~Kitty~ 10-15-05)

~BELIEVE~



Why are things the way they are?
It seems no matter our best intentions
No matter all our positive energy
A person, place or a thing can shoot it all out the
window.

What happens to ourselves?
Why do we allow this to occur?
Do we not have any self-control?
Do we think or do we not think at all?
Do we allow our emotions to overrule us?
Where does our logic go?
What is the logical thing to do?
Should we overlook what is said and/or done to us?
Would that make us the better person?
Or would it make us weak?
Does it show strength and maturity on our part if or
when we do overlook?
Does it really matter anyways?

When all is said and done
What will it matter who had the last word?
I have yet to see a tombstone that was marked with
self-righteousness (although there may be one).

Why do we allow others to hurt us in the 1st place?
Do we not have a say as to if they can?
Are we doormats?
Do we deserve to be treated poorly?
Do we not have the power to stand up for ourselves?
Are we afraid that by doing so, it will make us seem
like "bitches"?
And why should we care if it does?

We put too much effort into pleasing others
Others that really have no part in our lives.
We worry about what a stranger will think when they
see us walking by,
or a co-worker, what are their thoughts about us?
Do they think we do our jobs well or badly?
Why do we put so much effort into what others think
and feel instead of putting that energy into
ourselves?
Are we not worth it?

Does not each and everyone of us have self-worth?
Aren't we all the same in GOD's eyes?
Isn't HE, who will be the judge of us when all is said
and done.
So, why are we worried, anxious, nervous, afraid,
jealous of others?
It is so much wasted energy on ourselves
When we could be putting that excess energy back into
ourselves
To better ourselves
To give ourselves that added boost
To push ourselves to achieve what we thought was
unattainable.
To give to others instead of "taking".

In a sense, we are very selfish people
For we are always thinking of ourselves.
Unfortunately, 'tis not in a flatterring way.
We become self-absorbed in what others are saying,
thinking and doing
That we lose focus in what we should be saying,
thinking and doing.

Why do we make life harder on ourselves?
Doesn't life throw us enough curve balls to keep us
occupied?
Do we really need the extra pressures?
Do we really need the extra stress?
Why do we put ourselves through this?

So many questions, but there is only person who can
answer them.
Do you know who it is?
It is not me,
It is not your spouse or significant other,
It is not your co-worker,
It is not your spiritual advisor,
It is not even the stranger on the street,
It is YOU!!
Only You can answer these questions
Only You can take care of yourself.

Yes, we can allow others to help in the caring of
ourselves
But it is up to us to take care of ourselves in the
way that only we can.
Our minds think for us,
Our hearts feel for us,
Our bodies go into action for us,
Our souls determine what is right and wrong
It is our conscience that we have to live with,
Not anothers.
It is us who will have to answer to GOD for our words,
actions, thoughts, and feelings..
Not another.

So it is only Us.. Only You.. Only me.. Only the
individual person who can take control.
To answer these many questions.
To live with the answers once they are determined.
To believe in ourselves.
To be who we are truly destined to be.

                                                     
                                                     
                         


                                                     
                                      ~Kitty~
10-18-05