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huggermugger....
in a confused or jumbled manner
or
secrecy
hmmm
i have a love for my privacy and yet i am so open
i have a love for conversation and yet i remain silent
i have a desire for companionship and yet i remain devoted to a dream
i need direction and yet i am not lost
i belong and yet i am not kept
my freedom is my prison
i know what i want and i refuse to settle for less
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the sound of your voice echos through my mind. i still feel your breath on my ear as surely your voice i secretly hear.
everything is reminding me of you, why must you haunt me this way.
my skin remembers your touch, but my senses want more than my memory.
obsession, is it obsession or is it my own emotional masochism?
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Waiting for direction, polite conversation.... tick tock tick tock
There is a comfortable silence, it all seems to balance.... tick tock tick tock
Giving all that i must, i wait for your trust.... tick tock tick tock
Giving all that i feel, i surrender, your will
tick tock tick tock
Mark my words, they are just for you; i wait to serve, please... how do i do
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ok, as if i am not confused enough already! i want to know why i am being asked to date vanilla men, from dominant men? what is it about me that presents such a situation.
a mentor Dom was the first to suggest it, i've been talking to him for a good five years, then it was suggested by one that i was collared to that i marry one and remain his slave as well, and now wonder of all wonders.... and least expected, you. the idea is that i will be able to get a good decent man and turn him to the lifestyle. am i in that group that i sooo didn't want to be in. am i just somebody that you want to help? what is wrong with me if you feel that way? love, is it to much to ask without being turned back to the vanilla world? i hope not! i really hope not. i am not going to give up so easily, i refuse. |
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the poignancy of rejection so recently in the past, has held me back from wanting to prostrate myself.
you, who seem to understand me better than i understand myself, really bring forth some of the most powerful emotions i have ever felt. it's almost too much for me to conceive.
before you, i do long to prostrate myself. i want to throw myself at your feet and beg you to find me worthy of your strength, your energy, and your space. i beg for such guidance and understanding. i long to show you the kind of devotion and dedication that i am capable of bestowing upon you as i serve you fully and unquestioningly.
to give you all of my trust, all of my faith, all of myself, i never thought i would ever find anybody that i could feel this safe with. and now, i find myself lacking the courage to even say the words to let you know how deeply i feel this.
i am such a huggermugger!!!!
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this use to be my favorite time of year. now it seems to be the time of year that i get all down. i never understood it in the past what brings people down at such a festive time of year. i am going on my sixth year without somebody to actually share it with and perhaps that is why. it isn't like i don't have friends. plus i am coming into my own, i suppose and a sense of wanting to share life with somebody.
i am not desperate but i do know that at the moment i am at a vulnerable point but i refuse to settle for less than what i deserve and desire for myself. i want my chilvarous Dom, the one that lets me call him "daddy" the one that brings forth the little girl and knows exactly what to do with her. the Master that can turn that little girl into a hot blooded woman writhing and "singing" in ecstasy.
i'm missing you and our spaces terribly. |
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