Handsomesub4U

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. 

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. 

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.. 

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. 

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Longest nerve in the body

Learning something new every day keeps Alzheimer away.......

and a laugh a day keeps the doctor away.............................................
Always learn new stuff!

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring tears to your eyes..

My public service is done for the day!

Keep laughing...life is too short to take too seriously

‎"A new survey shows how much time we waste every day. For example, we waste seven minutes in line waiting for coffee, 28 minutes getting through airport security, and four years waiting for President Obama to do something about the economy." 
~Jay Leno

‎"President Obama is so confident that he's thinking about letting Joe Biden start speaking again." 
–Jay Leno

The Italian Man of His House with his Italian wife!

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 
'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 
'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. 
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, 
you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs 
with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring 
me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's 
going to dress me and comb my hair?'

His Sicilian wife Gina replied, 'The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess.'

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE
                 
 
 
An Irish daughter had not been home for several years.      Upon her return, her father cussed her "Where have ye been all this time?   Why did ye not write to us ? not even a line.   Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?".
 
The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff...."Dad. .   I became a prostitute..."    
 
"Ye what!!?   Out of here, ye shameless harlot!   Sinner!   You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."
 
"OK, Daddy-- as ye wish.   I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat and title deed to a  ten room mansion.  For me little brother Seamus this gold Rolex. And for  ye Daddy the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's  parked outside plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club.........  .................. (takes a breath)..... ........ and an invitation for ye  all to spend New Years Eve on board my yacht in the Caribbean and... ."
 
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.
 
Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff....   "A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.
 
"Oh! Be Jesus!   Ye scared me half to death girl!   I thought ye said a PROTESTANT.   Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug.
 

If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.

The language used is a bit salty, but he tells it like it is without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.( I think this is the model I have) I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few
things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' (true story) And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally,they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says.. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still.... Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father shouted. 'I'll do the fuckin' dishes!!'

The Gold Urinal

Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home.After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!"Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, Bill had a gold urinal.That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed,Hillary smiled, and said to Bill:"I found out who peed in your saxophone."

 A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
 


So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he  politely declines and tries to catch a few winks..

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.  After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing hoodies arrived.

St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back."

Today I had to run to King Soopers in Bergen Park - our local food store. As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking space. I flagged the driver and pointed out a parking space in the handicap area. The driver looked puzzled. ''I'm not handicapped'' she said. Well, was my face red. ''Oh, sorry about that, I saw your Obama sticker and just presumed...''


She gave me the finger and called me some nasty names.

Sheesh! Some people... and you're just trying to help them.

Wine Does NOT Make You FAT 

It Makes You LEAN..
Against Tables, Chairs, Floors, Walls and Ugly People.

The United States Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the coast of Miami today. This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boats were not heading to, but away from Miami towards Cuba .

Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with Americans who were all seniors of pension age. Their claim was that they were trying to get to the Cuba so as to be able to return to the US as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate US pensioners.

The Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey.

We are booking the next boat out; let me know if you want to come.

Investing Tip


I called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be investing in as I feel interest rates are going to be rising as they did during the late 70's and early 80's.

So I told him I thought we ought to be looking to getting out of bonds and looking for a safe haven to invest.

Should we move to precious metals, foreign currency or what?

He said to me, "If the current President is in office much longer, canned goods, water and ammunition are your best bet."

Thought I'd pass along the advice my broker gave me.

I met a living angel last Nite she is more beautiful in person then her photos

Ethical Dilemma 

The doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. 

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go." 

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "You’re a veterinarian, you sick bastard."

Hey Fellas do you ever have sex that is so good?
that you go home and tell your wife about it?

Scottish Golf Caddy
During his golfing vacation at Martha's Vineyard - President Obama had
been slicing off the tee on every hole.
He asks his Scottish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his
poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies:
"Aye, there's a piece of shyt on the end of yer driver. "

The President picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point
the caddy says:
"No, the other end

If it Sounds Like Marx....

and Acts Like Stalin....

It is Probably Obama !!!!

If a Man Yells You Lie!  in a room full of Politicians,

How Do you know who he is Talking Too?

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test by the Canadian National Health Service, a guy decided to have this next test carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.

As he lay naked on his side on the table and the nurse began the examination.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," said the nurse.
"I haven't got an erection," said the man.
"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

Moral: Don't have this procedure done in San Francisco!

Indian Wanting Coffee:

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:





"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter:





"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says,



"Training for position in United States Congress.
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day."


NOVEMBER 2012 VOTE WISELY!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a
maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for
change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he
recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the
chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little
chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified
to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets
the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't
about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.
The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground
here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am
now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about
the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against
it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black
chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize
that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road
before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we
need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on
his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is
why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the
chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of
life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just
drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the
chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but
we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the
road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can
see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been
told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming
story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to
accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2011, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of
eChicken2011. This new platform is much more stable and will never
reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

SAD NEWS - Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough, plus they had one in the Oven. Services were held at 350 for about 20 minutes

why she changed Hotels 

Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a  very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.   He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum....

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.  I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage.  I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now.  Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.  We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I' m ready!!  Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood,lifting sacks of feed,and bales of hay,she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.

She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope, you are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!!!"

Appropriate Holiday Greeting

To My Liberal Democrat Friends:
 Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. This wish is made without regard to the race, creed, appearance, origin, shape, color, age, size, physical ability, intellect, religious faith or lack thereof, or sexual preference or lack thereof of the wished, whether living or dead. The wisher herein expressly claims to be held harmless from any mis-interpretations of the wish as above granted.   
 
 To My Conservative Republican Friends: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! 

Obama said : "Some people in DC talk about me like a dog"......

Fred Thompson replied :

"Maybe it's because he keeps treating this country like a fire hydrant"

               Way to go Fred !!

Mr. Wilson

……Why he’s  divorced.........

Last  week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that  morning.

I  went downstairs for  breakfast
Hoping my wife  would be pleasant and  say,
'Happy  Birthday!',
And possibly  have a small present for  me.

As  it turned out,
She barely  said good morning,
Let  alone'Happy  Birthday.'

I  thought...

Well,  that's marriage for  you,
But the  kids...They will  remember.

My  kids came bounding down stairs to  breakfast
And didn't say a  word..
So when I left for  the office,
I felt pretty  low
And somewhat  despondent.

As  I walked into my office,
My  secretary Jane said,
'Good  Morning Boss,
And by the  way
Happy Birthday!'
It felt a little  better
That at least  someone had  remembered.

I  worked until one o'clock,
When Jane knocked on my  door
And said, 'You  know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
And it is your Birthday,
What do you say  we go out to lunch,
Just you and me.'
I said,  'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.Let's go!'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
Where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
With a private table.
We had two martinis each
And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On  the way back to the office,
Jane said,  'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the  office,
Do We?'

I  responded,
'I guess  not.
What do you have in  mind?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around  the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,

' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
For just a  moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
After a couple of minutes,
She came out
Carrying a huge birthday cake...
Followed by my wife,
My kids, and dozens of my friends
And co-workers,
All singing  'Happy Birthday'.


And I just  sat there...

On  the couch...

Naked.

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree - and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
Jay Leno 

America  needs Obama-Care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. 
Jay Leno 

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal? 
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. 
Conan O'Brian 

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? 
A: A fund raiser. Jay Leno 

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary? 
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. 
The other is for housing prisoners. David Letterman 

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the 
ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved? 
A. America. Fallon 

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo? 
A: Bo has papers. Kimmel 

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for clunkers" program? 
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. David Letterman

Subject: Doctors and Unemployment 
   
An Israeli doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced 
that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and 
have him looking for work in six weeks." 
             
 A German doctor says, "That is nothing; we can take a lung out 
of one  person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four 
weeks." 
             
  A Russian doctor says,"In my country, medicine is so advanced 
that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in 
another, and have  them both looking for work in two weeks." 
   
  An Illinois doctor, says,"You guys are way behind. We recently 
took a man  with no brains out of Illinois, put him in the White House and 
within six months  half the country is looking for work!"

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME....

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'?  Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...


Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?



If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!


If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE........
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Dear Mr. Grim Reaper, 
  
So far this year you have taken away my favorite dancer and entertainer Michael Jackson, favorite actor Patrick Swayze, and favorite actress Farrah Fawcett. 

Just so you know, my favorite politician is Barrack Obama. 
  
Thank you 

> PRESIDENT OBAMA's GOLF CZAR ANNOUNCES THE  FOLLOWING RULE CHANGES TO THE  GAME OF GOLF
>
>
> Golfers with handicaps:
>  - below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%
>  - between 11 and  18 will see no increase in green fees
>  - above 18 will play for free and in  some cases, with proper paperwork,
> will even get a check from the  club/course played.
> 
> Golfers with handicaps above 27 will be allowed  to turn in their existing
> 'clunker' golf clubs and will receive a one-time federal government stimulus
> payment of $2,500 for them.  This program  will, however, require them to
> purchase new golf clubs.
> 
> The $ amount put  in for bets will be as follows:
>  - for handicaps below 10 an additional $10
>  - between 11 and 18 no additional amount
>  - above 18 you will immediately  withdraw $10 from the pot.
> 
> The term "gimme putt" will be changed to  "entitlement putt" and will be
> used as follows:
>  - handicaps below 10, no  entitlements
>  - handicaps 11 to 18, entitlements for putter-length putts
>  - handicaps above 18, if on green, no need to ever putt; just pick it up
> 
> In addition, a Player will be limited to a max of one birdie and/or six
> pars, any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not  yet
> scored a birdie or par.  Only after all players in the foursome have
> received a birdie or par from the player  making the birdie or par, can that
> Player again begin to count his score  with anything lower than a bogie.
> 
> The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes but the
> term 'net score' will become the 'gross score' for scoring those  players
> with handicaps 19 and above.  No longer will America's high handicap golfers
> suffer the 'food stamp' syndrome of being judged by 'net scores'.
> 
> This is intended to 'redistribute' the success of winning to golf's
> 'rightful owners' - higher handicap golfers.  These brave people have
> faithfully paid their club dues and green fees.  They have stuck with the
> game while being frustrated, laughed at, and emotionally abused  by the
> continual successes of better golfers.
> 
> Trophies in America will no  longer celebrate 1st place victories in golf.
> The most honor and prizes will  be given to those players in future
> tournaments  who finish in 9th place.  Runner-up awards will be given to
> those who finished closest to 9th
> place.
> 
> (Example: 8th place and 10th place will receive equal runner-up prizes.)
> 
> Per OBAMA.
> 
> "These new Rules are intended to provide CHANGE and  HOPE for regular
> golfers.  America will be leveling the playing field for  everyone, not just
> the  best golfers.  The time for fairness in golf has  finally come!"
> 
> Warning: Any golfer, golf official or golf group violating  these rules
> will be convicted of "golf discrimination" and will be assessed an  extra
> 20% surtax penalty

WOMAN ' S PERFECT BREAKFAST 

She ' s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. 

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. 

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. 

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. 

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. 


Keep reading-they get better!!! 


 

WOMEN ' S REVENGE 

' Cash, check or charge? ' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. 

As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 

' So, do you always carry your TV remote? ' I asked. 

' No, ' she replied , ' but my husband refused to come shopping with me, 

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally. ' 
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UNDERSTANDING WOMEN 

(A MAN ' S PERSPECTIVE) 

I know I ' m not going to understand women. 

I ' ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, 

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, 

and still be afraid of a spider. 

 

MARRIAGE SEMINAR 

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, 

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, 

' It is essential that husbands and wives know each other ' s likes and dislikes. ' 

He addressed the man, 

' Can you name your wife ' s favorite flower? ' 

Tom leaned over, touched his wife ' s arm gently and whispered, ' It ' s Pillsbury, isn ' t it? 





CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS 

A man walks into a pharmacy=2 0and wanders up & down the aisles.. 

The sales girl notice s him and asks him if she can help him. 

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.. 

She directs him down the correct aisle. 

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. 

She says, confused, ' Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? 

He answers, ' You see, it ' s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store 

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco 

and some rolling papers; cause it ' s sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper. 

So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she. 

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!) 

WIFE VS. HUSBAND 

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. 

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and 

neither of them wanted to concede their position. 

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, 

the husband asked sarcastically, ' Relatives of yours? ' 

' Yep, ' the wife replied, ' in-laws. ' 





WORDS 

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 

30,000 to a man ' s 15,000. 

The wife replied, ' The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... 

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ' What? ' 




CREATION 

A man said to his wife one day, ' I don ' t know how you can be 

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 

' The wife responded, ' Allow me to explain. 

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; 

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you ! 






WHO DOES WHAT 
A man and his wife were having an argument about who 

should brew the coffee each morning. 

The wife said, ' You should do it because you get up first, 

and then we don ' t have to wait as long to get our coffee. 

The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and 

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee. '

Wife replies, ' No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee. ' 

Husband replies, ' I can ' t believe that, show me. ' 

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ' HEBREWS ' 






The Silent Treatment 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home 

and were giving each other the silent treatment. 

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him 

at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 
' Please wake me at 5:00 AM. ' He left it where he knew she would find it. 

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furi ous, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn ' t wakened him, 
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. 

The paper said, ' It is 5:00 AM. Wake up. ' 

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. 








God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece 




SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT

Booty Call Papers....

This pre-booty call agreement (hereinafter referred to as the "Agreement") is entered into on the _____ day of __________, 2005, by _______________________ (hereinafter referred to as "The Pimp") and ______________ (hereinafter referred to as "My Biatch").


THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:

1. No sleeping over -- unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.

2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.

3. No calls before 9 PM - we don't have anything to talk about.

4. None of that "lovemaking" stuff -- only sex allowed.

5. No emotional discussions (i.e., Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?) The answer is no, so don't ask.

6. No plans made in advance -- that is why you are called the "backup, " unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement.

7. All gifts accepted -- money is always good.

8. No baby talk -- however, dirty talk is encouraged.

9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers -- it's really none of your damn business.

10. No calling each other "friends with privileges" we are not friends, just sex buddies.

11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK - don't be offended.

12. No extra clothing - I don't want you leaving anything behind when you leave.

13. No falling asleep right after sex -- it's over, so get up, get dressed and go home.

14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it - I don't care.

15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.

16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My cousin."

17. Doggie style is the preferred position -- the reason is less eye contact the better.

19. No glove, no love. Go home.

20. Bring your own drink - I am not your liquor store.

21. No phone use, please -- don't want anyone calling back looking for you.


* EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS:

The aforementioned rules may only be altered by the holder of the agreement. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, it will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and email list. In other words, you will be BLOCKED from all communications until you understand the rules.


Participating Party

Signature_______________________________________
Date: ________________

Participating Party

Signature_______________________________________
Date: ________________

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
 
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
 
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
 
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
 
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'
 
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
 
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
 
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
 
THERE'S MORE...
   
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
 
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
 
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
 
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
 
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
 
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

  
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
 
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
 
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
 
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
 
Once more Paddy shakes his head.  

'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'