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The Largest BDSM Community on the Planet

I am a male dominant living in northern  Alabama. The psychological elements of dominatio
Male Dominant, 56,  Alabama










 Dominant Male


 5' 8"





Actively Seeking:

Submissive Female


I am a male dominant living in northern  Alabama. The psychological elements of domination and submission appeal to me greatly.  I do not view this as merely a kinky way to have sex, or as a part-time hobby, this is a lifestyle that I live. I am a member of our local BDSM community, have over 12 years experience and yes, I have references. Do you? 



Ideally, I am seeking first and foremost; a non-smoker. If you smoke you must be willing to quit. I am looking for someone who desires real-time LTR relationship. I am seeking someone of any race who is intelligent, honest, and open.  I am open to all ages. Given that I am only interested in real-time relationships, you should be within reasonable geographic proximity to me or be realistically able to relocate to this area. I have no interest in long-distance or cyber relationships. 

I enjoy impact play and outdoor bondage. Being in the medical field I also enjoy medical play. My interests are varied and can be anything from mild to wild. I am serious and strict (not abusive), and I am quite patient with those who are new to all of this. I am educated, and professionally employed. I am safe, sane, experienced with a strong interest in power exchange and control.

Journal Entries:
6/17/2017 7:41:35 PM

BDSM Tip Sheet for Beginners

by Lady Green and Jay Wiseman

BDSM is one of several overall names given to a collection of behaviors that involve bondage, spanking, domination, and other activities that are done in a safe, consensual, non-abusive manner and in an erotic context. BDSM is a form of erotic play that involves significant physical and emotional risks, and thus requires instruction in order to do so with reasonable safety. Accordingly, we make the following recommendations for beginners. Please understand that the tips below do not provide, nor are they meant to provide, complete instruction.


    1. Do BDSM only with people you know well and are on good terms with, and when both of you are in a good mood. Trying to do it with strangers, or when either of you is tired or upset, dramatically increases the degree of risk. Avoid significant use of intoxicants. If you're not in condition to drive, you're not in condition to do BDSM.


    1. Keep "reality" out of it. Unless both of you specifically agree to it ahead of time, BDSM play is not a proper occasion to "punish" someone for a "real world" offense. Unpaid parking tickets, dirty dishes left in the sink, and so forth get handled outside the BDSM play.


    1. The more empathy you have, the better you'll be at this. If you reasonably and safely can, experience something yourself before you do it to another person.


    1. Prepare for emergencies. Have needed supplies close by, including a first aid kit, a fire extinguisher, and flashlights. Take training in First Aid and CPR at least once a year.


    1. Play with a "silent alarm" in place. When you play with somebody new in private, tell a trusted friend where you'll be and who you'll be with. Make sure, diplomatically, that you tell your prospective partner ahead of time that you will be doing this, and encourage him or her to do the same.


    1. Negotiate what you'll do ahead of time. This is not the time to have a mismatch of expectations. Handle such matters as sexual behavior, safer sex precautions, type and degree of bondage, physical and emotional limits, and so forth before you play. Stay within these limits while you play. If your session goes well, there's always next time. Check in with each other afterwards, perhaps the next day. Discuss what did and what didn't work, and what you might do next time.


    1. Agree upon a safeword or two. These are special phrases used to indicate that the activity "really" needs to be slowed, changed, or stopped. Refusal to honor a safeword is very serious misconduct; it can even be a crime.


    1. It's a good idea for the dominant to "check in" with the submissive several times during the session. (Sometimes submissives find it difficult to use their safewords, even when they should.) One good non-verbal check-in is for the dominant to give the submissive's hand two light but firm squeezes. If the dominant gets two squeezes back, it means that the submissive is basically all right.


    1. Avoid toys that have sharp edges or corners. Instruments used for spanking, whipping, and so forth should be carefully rounded off.


    1. Start lightly and build slowly. A too-rapid increase in the physical or emotional intensity of the play is the direct cause of many problems.


    1. The submissive can use the "one to ten" technique to indicate they're ready to feel a paddle or whip stroke, and its intensity. "One" is a feather-light touch; "ten" is a full-power stroke.


    1. As a rule, strokes from whips and paddles are delivered to fleshy, muscled body areas such as the lower buttocks and the "lower half of the upper half" of the back. It's very dangerous to strike your partner over their kidneys, liver, spleen, or tailbone.


    1. Use only soft, plain paraffin candles for hot wax play. Harder candles, such as beeswax candles, have a melting point high enough to cause burns.


    1. Spring-loaded wooden clothespins can work well as erotic clamps on the nipples, the genitals, and other locations. Various clamps found in office supply stores can also work well. Keep in mind that clamping an area shuts off its circulation. Experts vary regarding how long clamps can be left on, but most express their opinions in terms of minutes. Clamps hurt most when coming off. Self-experimentation is recommended here.


    1. Do not attempt to do piercings or other activities that involve breaking the skin unless you have studied under, or are being supervised by, an knowledgeable individual.


    1. Bondage creates dangerous vulnerability. We recommend that you let someone tie you up, blindfold you, or gag you only after you have first done at least two successful BDSM scenes with them that involved no bondage.


    1. There is never any need to tie some part of your partner's body so tightly that it "goes to sleep." If this happens, loosen the bondage.


    1. Do not leave a bound person alone. As a general rule, stay as close to a bound person as you would to an infant left in your care. (If you gag them, stay even closer.)


    1. Another general rule is that you should be able to free a bound person within one minute of an emergency occurs, even if they have fainted. Wise BDSM players keep special "paramedic scissors" or similar items handy to help with this.


    1. We advise caution when playing with any form of self-bondage. See point # 18 above.


  1. After extensive medical consultation, we have been unable to discover any form of suffocation or strangulation play that is not unpredictably life-threatening.

6/12/2017 10:27:09 AM

The Meaning of Anam Cara

In its original guise, the term related to the person who heard your confession which of course meant you had revealed your hidden secrets to them. It was possible to share the innermost workings of your heart, mind and self with this person in what was the deepest possible meaning of the word ‘friendship’.

This bond between friends was said to be unbreakable as your anam cara knew the person you really were without any mask. In the Celtic tradition, you were only at home when you were truly understood. The term related to a friendship laden with affection and it wasn’t simply a metaphor. In order to have an anam cara, you need to have complete integrity of intention which is what sets this soul friend apart from ‘casual’ friends or acquaintances.

In the Celtic spiritual tradition, it was believed that the soul radiated around the body like an aura. By connecting with someone and being completely open with them, both of your souls would begin to flow together. Once this deep bond was formed; that person became your anam cara. This individual would always accept the ‘real’ you and could see your inner beauty and light. However, you wouldn’t receive the true benefits of this friendship until you could see this beauty and light within yourself. According to the Celts, finding an anam cara enabled you to discover your own true nature and also experience other peoples’ joy.

Anam Cara means “Soul Friend.” Anam is the Gaelic word for soul and Cara is the word for friend. In Celtic tradition, an Anam Cara is a teacher, companion or spiritual guide. With the Anam Cara you can share your innermost self to reveal the hidden intimacies of your life, your mind and your heart. This friendship cuts across all convention to create an act of recognition and belonging that joins souls in an ancient and eternal way.

In everyone’s life, there is a great need for an Anam Cara, a soul friend. In this relationship, you are understood as you are, without mask or pretention. When you are understood, you are at home.

Love is the threshold where the divine and human ebb and flow, one into the other. Love is the most real and creative form of human presence. An expression of human consciousness, this love includes a depth of awareness and reverence for presence.

Where consciousness is dulled, distant or blind, the presence grows faint and vanishes. Therefore awareness which brings integration and healing, is one of the greatest gifts of this friendship. As a result, you look, and see, and understand differently. You refine your sensibility and transform your way of being in the world.

The Anam Cara is a loved one who awakens your life in order to free the wild possibilities within you.

That is my thoughts on "Love". 

3/26/2017 2:08:17 AM

What qualities am I seeking?

Truthfulness -- The ability to be honest with oneself and others about feelings and motivations.

A Healthy Self-Image -- Submissives need to have a solid sense of self-worth, comfortable with what and who s/he is, able to communicate freely their needs and desires.

Sincerity -- Often we find submissives who are only playing a role, who don't really believe or feel what they claim. The submissive must genuinely feel and believe in their own submissiveness. Their actions and words should accurately reflect what they are. Anything less is deceit.

Loyalty -- Within a relationship, a submissive demonstrates loyalty by doing nothing that could call into questions his/her devotion to their dominant.

Grace -- Elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, and action are all things to be cultivated in the successful submissive.

Respect -- We see this argument all the time in the D/s community, particularly online. "I don't call a dominant 'Sir/Ma'am' until they prove they are worthy of my respect." How very quaint. But it's a glaring sign of self-centeredness. A submissive should be expected to address dominants properly out of respect for the position, not necessarily the person.

Humility -- Haughty subs compensate for their own lack of self-esteem

Intelligence -- I'm not referring to "book smarts." What I mean by "intelligence" is the ability to learn what s/he needs to learn in order to fulfill the dominant's expectations and desires.

Courtesy -- Common courtesy is, unfortunately, not all that common. Since the birth of the D/s community, this has been the cornerstone of our interpersonal relationships.

· Someone who respects herself.

· Someone who doesn't want real abuse.

· Someone who has a good sense of reality versus fantasy.

· Someone who is not looking for you to take over her life, but to enhance it.

· Someone wise enough to let you learn who she is, what pleases her, and what she wants. 

· Someone who does not make demands. Pushiness on the part of a submissive or dominant is a turn-off....

Good communication is a critical factor in any relationship, but in D/s a lack of it can be devastating. 

What are you looking for in a relationship? 

1/21/2017 6:22:04 AM

The Acid Test: must read, especially if you are sub

The Acid Test & Glossary


The term ‘Acid Test’ is an old prospecting term. A powerful acid can dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. However, gold will stand up to most acids. So the ‘Acid Test’ was an easy way for people to make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the ‘fool’s’ variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick ways to identify fake Doms. Passing all these tests is no guarantee either, there is no replacement for getting to know your prospective partner as well as possible BEFORE YOU EVEN MEET IN PERSON. Now most of these tests are designed in mind for a submissive female trying to sort through men claiming to be Doms online. They are largely based on the many questions I get asked by my female friends still searching for a Dominant partner. Some of them can probably be used by male subs as well, but for the most part, these tests are best for ferreting out male fakes. Vanilla males are usually after ‘easy sex’ and this motive makes them easier to identify than a lot of the fake Dommes out there.

Step One: Do the Math

Various estimates and surveys have placed the ratio of true (i.e., natural) male sexual Dominants to female sexual submissives at about one to ten. However, a quick count in any given D/s oriented chat room would lead you to believe that male Doms outnumber the subs at about two to one. Now if there is actually only one male Dom for every ten female subs, that means that 19 out of the 20 “Doms” you see online HAVE TO BE FAKES. Keep this in mind. There is a 95% chance that any man you talk to online claiming to be a Dom is no such thing. This leads us to our first rule, a rule that all statisticians and scientists already know by heart: “When in doubt, throw it out!” Your search for a suitable Dominant partner (especially if you are seeking a serious long term relationship as well) could easily take years. That’s hardly surprising, most people spend years looking for that special lover, be they ‘vanilla’ or otherwise. So don’t be disheartened by all these drastic ratios. BUT DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME either. If any of the prospects you are chatting with online makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, drop him. Don’t give him ‘three strikes’ or ‘extra chances to win.’ Block out his screen-name and move on. There was only a one in twenty chance he was legitimate anyway. Trust your instincts!

Step Two: Know Your Enemy

We call them Snerts. We call them HNG’s (Horny Net Geeks). We call them Wannabes. We call them Control Freaks. And sometimes, tragically, we even find some that can only be called rapists and predators. They are all your ENEMY. Don’t bother thinking they are anything less. Even a more or less well meaning Snert can land you in a hospital. Sexual Dominance and submission is not for dilettantes or amateurs: Not, no, and never! Even if he turns out to be a more or less nice guy, if he’s not a Dom, he’s not going to give you what you really need, and he will likely give you many things you don’t (like medical bills and other assorted headaches).

The Snert

Snerts are basically looking for easy sex. They are counting on the (highly inaccurate) assumption that sexual submissives are simply ‘easy lays.’ Nothing could be farther from the truth, but that doesn’t deter them at all. They are typically middle aged to somewhat older men. They are often married. They are usually trying to bolster their flagging vanilla sex lives with some casual screwing around. They target submissives because they think that they won’t make demands on their sexual prowess (another bad assumption). They can be easily spotted because they almost always demand or at least emphasize sexual intercourse being a part of their ‘scenes.’

The HNG (Horny Net Geek)

HNG’s are usually the most harmless (and yet often the most annoying) of the enemy types. Most are teenagers and young men looking for some quick cyber-sex or even phone-sex. They are usually pretty sophisticated about there D/s jargon and the ‘scenes’ they describe to you can be pretty elaborate. Geeks do their homework. They scour the porno sites for ideas, and hang out in D/s chats for hours on end learning the ‘lingo.’ The are most easily spotted because they want to move on to cyber-sex and phone sex very quickly. They like to offer online collars, and spend hours on end in chat rooms ‘playing’ with their ‘subbies.’ Don’t waste your time with them.

Control Freaks

The second most dangerous type of enemy is the Control Freak. Control freaks are what most psychologists and therapists call ‘controlling personalities.’ They are the type of person that wants to be in control of everything around them. They want all their family and friends to behave exactly as they say. They are extremely manipulative people. These men can be dangerous because many really have convinced themselves that they are Dominants as a way to justify their dysfunctional lives. Many inexperienced submissives find themselves ‘naturally’ attracted to these men because outwardly they seem so ‘in command’ of things all the time. The truly ironic (and sad) thing is, a controlling personality is actually the closest thing to the OPPOSITE of a sexual Dominant. Controls Freaks can be spotted because they often talk about ‘taking care of you’ and also ‘knowing what’s best for you.’ They almost always try to play on your emotions; especially guilt. They also usually criticize and even resent the advice you get from other people. They often talk about 24/7 D/s relationships without going into any details about what kind of actual scenes they play. They are fond of telling you that they prefer the ‘mental aspect’ of Domination and submission. They tend to be both demanding and argumentative. Nothing you do will ever be ‘quite right.’ While all this may seem very repulsive and easy to avoid, be on your guard, the average control freak often seems very charming initially. Once they have their ‘hooks’ into you its very hard to get untangled.

Rapists and Predators

The last and most dangerous type of enemy is the rapist or predator. These are the men most likely to damage or even end your life. The truly frightening thing about these evil men it that there is NO easy way to spot them. Rapists can be anything from bums to bank mangers, and anyone from family members to total strangers. One in four women has suffered an attack from this vile creature, and one in seven men as well! There motive is violence. The best defense is never make yourself too vulnerable. To defend yourself from predators, learn all the in’s and out’s of setting up a good Safety Net. Follow these procedures religiously. Most important of all TAKE YOUR TIME getting to know your prospective play partners. This is good advice in any case. If you know your partner well, you’re more likely to have a good time with him (because you will feel more comfortable during that first Scene). Predators are more likely to move on in search of easy prey, they do tend to be impulsive. If a ‘dom’ you have been talking too suddenly seems to loose interest in you after a period of time, you may have just saved your own life. Don’t go chasing after anybody. A true Dom doesn’t need to play ‘hard to get.’

Step 3: Know your goal!

Take the time to figure out what you want. It’s often hard for newbie subs to do this because sometimes they lack knowledge of what choices are available to them. SO ARM YOURSELF WITH KNOWLEDGE! There are many fine publications, books, and internet websites that cater to sexual submissives. So start reading! Learn about the different types of play and how they should be conducted. Learn everything you can about how to set up a Safety Net. Learn all the do’s and don’ts of meeting others and playing safely. Decide what your Limits are and set them down on paper. This may seem like a lot of homework to do in the name of fun, but also keep in mind that that it’s your ASS that’s (literally) on the line here. Know what a real Dom acts like. Remember, you are probably a sexual submissive because you ARE in control the rest of the time. You are strong! Likely even ambitious as well. You have a career, or goals, or a lifestyle that demands this high level of energy and control. So giving away your control is a beautiful respite from everyday life. Your power and energy is something you only want to give to someone you trust, and in intimate situations at that. It’s a very personal thing to you! Well guess what, sexual Dominants are usually the compliment of this. We are strong people too, and we do tend to be intelligent. We are often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen. However, we tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand we be in control all the time. We tend to be easygoing. I have never in my life met, or even heard of, an uptight sexual Dominant. We like being in control in INTIMATE situations. It’s a respite from the way we live OUR everyday lives. We are not really the opposite of you, but we are the ‘puzzle piece’ that fits next to you snugly. In another words, don’t look for a Dom that’s exactly like you. You won’t find him. Don’t look for a Dom that wants to run your whole life; he doesn’t exist. ABOVE ALL, if you’re prospective Dom seems like a generally ‘nice guy’ you’re likely on the right track! Take the time to get to know him. Don’t let the five control freaks on the other side of the chat room demand your attention. A natural Dom isn’t likely to make demands until its time to play.

Step 4: Memorize the Acid Tests!

Test #1: When in doubt, throw it out! Don’t waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he’s not going to be fun to play with.

Test #2: “You’d better call me Sir!” is the mating call of a HNG or control freak. Real Doms don’t have to ask for titles, we EARN them. Most real Doms will say things like “please, call me Mike…”

Test #3: “I want you to take my collar before you play with me.” This is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks. They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ole “cyber-collar” is just the thing! Cyber-collars are worth less than the leather required to make one.

Test #4: If you get an Instant Message that says something like “On your knees you [slave, slut, bitch, whore, etc.]” This is the mating call of the HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste time with somebody that’s not even polite? There’s a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn’t online!

Test #5: “I don’t have to answer that question!” or “It’s not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that.” are examples of some the dangerous LIES that control freaks and snerts use. This is the Acid test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be ready to at least TRY and answer every question you have, and HONESTLY at that! Its literally your ass that’s on the line! Never forget this!

Test #6: “Its my way or the highway!” or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak. Doms can have Limits too, but its your Limits that count FIRST. Don’t let any would-be ‘dom’ tell you differently. Don’t let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently either. Where Male Dom/Fem sub play is concerned, it’s ALWAYS LADY’S CHOICE!

Test #7: Don’t bother with online collars. Don’t make decisions about a prospective partner based on his online play style. It’s a very simple test if you think about it: would a real life Dominant waste time on cyber sex? Please take my word for it; the answer is NO. Forget it, once you’ve done the real thing, cyber is just too damn dull.

Test #8: Ask your prospect if he’s ever made any mistakes during a scene. If he say’s ‘no,’ run for your life! If he says, ‘very rarely,’ at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced players. Sometimes submissives have Limits they don’t even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom the world will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this planet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles.

Test #9 “I’m a [bank president, captain of industry, TV producer, self-made millionaire… yadda yadda yadda.]” Wouldn’t it be nice to meet a rich Dom too? Sure it would! But use some common sense too. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an AOL chat room? Also, think about this personality profile; if this super successful, always-in-control person is really into D/s, he’s likely a submissive! I have met a lot of female submissives that fit this ambitious profile, but not one Dom yet!

Test #10 “I’m 33 years old, and I’ve been a Master for 15 years.” Gimme a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Doms level of experience (and its a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as well. 18 year old boys don’t care about the intricacies of D/s; they want to get laid. Trust me on this one Ladies, I was an 18 year old boy once! I personally believe that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master. What are the odds a person became a Master when they were still using Clearasil?

Test #11 Ask for references! Especially if he claims to be ‘very experienced.’ Talk to the references ON THE PHONE. Lots of HNG’s have female screen-names set up to act as ‘references’ for them! I notice that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept. Which is understandable since in the vanilla world its considered rude to talk to a guy’s ex-girlfriend. But in the D/s Scene its the opposite, experienced players will accept and accommodate this kind of request gladly.

Test #12 “I have three real life collared slaves right now, but you can’t talk to them.” Okay, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even triples) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not uncommon at all in the Scene. But these couples were looking TOGETHER. If a ‘dom’ has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her FIRST!

Test #13 “I don’t need safe words.” Well of course he doesn’t! If he said this he’s likely a snert and therefore he’s never really been in a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn’t need safewords either. Need I say more?

Test #14 “My slaves trust me to set their Limits for them.” If you hear a “dom” say this it’s most likely because these slaves only exist in his mind. Or worse still, his ‘slave’ is simply the victim of spouse abuse. Even so called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e., full time) D/s relationships should involve some careful negotiation.

Test #15 “I’m Married, my wife can’t know about us” If I have to explain this one too you, you’ve got problems. I have played with many married submissives in my time, but ONLY with the express permission (and more often than not, participation) of their husbands. Safe D/s requires complete honesty. You can’t build a good Scene on lies. There are plenty of people that will be willing to tell you differently; but please note, they will all turn out to be adulterers (and hence, liars) themselves.

Test #16 Insert your own Acid Test here. You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a “dom” that falls through, analyze WHY it fell through. Don’t make the same mistakes twice if you can help it.

Step 5: It’s not just the men you have to screen!

Finding some female submissives to be buddies with you on your quest is a very good idea. Especially if they are experienced players; they can give you unique perspectives, emotional support, and even references to legitimate Doms to play with. They can also, most importantly, provide a Safety Net for you during those first meetings with the men you meet. The benefits of teaming up with other women in your search should be obvious! However, be just as cautious about what you hear from other women online as well. If you are so inclined to search for a Domme for instance, the Acid tests should apply just as well. Be very cautious about the women you meet online that claim to be submissives as well. There are a great number of female HNG’s who live there D/s lifestyle in the vacuum of cyber-space. Their advice and experiences are not only useless in the real world, they can be dangerous. Another class of “female enemy” is even more tragic and dangerous; the Victim. A Victim is just that; a victim of physical and or mental abuse that uses D/s as an excuse to continue denying the reality of her tragic situation. These people are disturbingly common as well. They are dangerous to you too! These women are not just full of very dangerous advice, but they are usually very vehement about telling you that their lifestyle is the only “real D/s.” They can fill your head full of doubts faster than one of the male enemy types. Spare little sympathy, tell them to get help, and stay the heck away from them (in exactly this order). It may seem mercenary, but it is in fact the right thing to do. This is my training as a CASA (Citizens Against Spouse Abuse) volunteer talking. An abuse victim can only save herself, and then only when she is ready to do so. If you let her vent her frustrations and fears on you, she will then go back to her familiar little hell. Leaving you emotionally drained and likely scared too. Your quest for safe play partners is going to be tough enough as it is. Avoid Victims completely if you can, and if you can’t, urge them to get help. It’s not your job to save the world, keeping yourself safe and happy is enough work.

In Closing

This all seems like a lot of work. It is. Some of it sounds awfully scary too. It should. So why bother with this quest at all? Why not just stick “cyber only” in your profile and forget real life D/s? Why not just drop it all together? I can give you only one good reason; when it is done safely, and it suits your needs, it can be the one of the most profoundly fulfilling experiences in your life! I used to cringe at terms like “sex magic,” but now that I know the spells, I’m an unabashed Wizard! Any student of psychology can tell you that denial has its own dangers too. The easy roads are not the ones that lead to interesting places. So arm yourself with knowledge, find yourself some trustworthy friends to share the journey, and start walking. Just don’t forget to bring your Acid Tests too!

4/18/2016 12:30:12 PM
Introduction to Submission.






my name is kim and i live in a 24/7 D/s relationship with my Master, these are my thoughts on submission, and being a submissive.

For the purposes of this article i will refer to all Dominants as “He”, and all submissives as “she”, though statistics do show that there are probably as many male submissives as there are female.



Firstly, the dictionary gives the basic meanings of the word submissive as follows:

  •  The act of submitting to the authority or control of another.

  • The condition of having submitted to control by someone else

  • The surrendering of power to another person.


obedient, slavish, servile and compliant are just a few other words that can be used to describe submissive behaviour. 


What is a submissive?

 A submissive is a person who makes a conscious choice to give up some or all control of her life to another person - a Dominant or a Top.

Dominance and submission is about a power exchange between two consenting adults. It is about the control within the dynamics of that relationship, whether it be a full time 24/7 relationship, or a casual meeting, or a part time arrangement.

Choosing to be submissive means to allow someone else to control your body and behaviour within the preset limits you and that particular person, ie the Dominant, have agreed upon.  

Submission is not a sign of weakness, some of the most successful and strongest people are true submissives.

Submission is not about passiveness, it is not about being a doormat - most submissives are intelligent and well balanced people just fulfilling their basic desires to submit and to give up control.

Submission is not about kinky sex and whips and chains – though those things can and do play a part in our lifestyle, it is much deeper than just that, and comes from the heart.

Submission is a choice, and a wonderful gift to the Dominant – it should never be entered into lightly, even in a casual situation at a party or gathering.


What does a submissive usually do?


A submissive does whatever her Dominant requires of her, within the boundaries already agreed upon by both parties in the relationship.

She serves Him in whatever manner He wishes, for His pleasure and His comfort.

Of course the most common perception of BDSM is that it is about kinky sex, and being tied up and whipped! In reality, it isn’t necessarily that way at all.

However, having said that – serving the Dominant sexually can and does happen, depending again on the boundaries agreed upon.

Being there for His pleasure is what is important, He may wish to flog, spank, whip or cane the submissive, or perhaps indulge in medical play, or bondage, any number of activities, whenever and however He wishes.


Serving can take many other forms too, such as taking care of His house, cooking, cleaning, accompanying Him on outings, sitting at His feet, running errands, doing the shopping to name a few.

He may set tasks for the submissive, just for His own amusement, but more likely with a purpose, perhaps to help her improve her situation, or to challenge her mind, or simply something that He needs to have done.

In a more casual arrangement, the power exchange can be just for play, or for a regular amount of time each week, and in those cases, the submissive will give over control for the agreed period. Then serving is more likely to be for play, with or without sex, and perhaps some role play.

In a more long term arrangement, such as i have with my Master, the degree of submission is deeper and can include things such as what the submissive wears, how she has her hair, where she sleeps and what she eats. Long term relationships are more likely to include sexual service, but that is not always the case. There are D/s relationships where sex is not a factor at all.

A good example of this is the relationship my Master had with one of His submissives who was a bisexual male. My Master is straight – there was no sex at all between the two, yet for them both, it was a very fulfilling and complete D/s relationship.


Are there different types of submissives?

 The simple answer is yes, we are not all tarred with the same brush, though we all have one main thing in common and that is the need to give control to someone else.  We crave the feelings that come from the power exchange, no matter what form it takes, from physical play sessions to a request to serve tea to the Dominant, and anything in between.


There are various ways of describing each type of submissive –


The psychological submissive gets her reward from the physical act of submission, and can often have masochistic tendencies, liking harder play than most. This submissive is into it for the pain and humiliation and often sees these activities as a punishment, which gives her the release she craves.

Quite often a psychological submissive is only a part time player, having another life completely and keeping both sides of her life separate from each other.


The sexual submissive is also sometimes described as the immediate submissive, and her need is filled by the consequences of her submission, in other words the sexual satisfaction or gratification she feels from submitting to a Dominant. Sometimes it can be a release from guilty feelings that she likes these activities, sometimes she just simply craves the endorphin rush and once it has passed, she feels no need to continue to be submissive.


The natural submissive is also known as the true submissive and usually has slavish tendencies. Her submission goes way beyond the sexual side of things and is more a part of her intrinsic personality. Her deep need is to relinquish control, and to please the Dominant in all ways, and her fulfilment is the very act of submission in all forms.

During my research for this article i came across a good analogy of describing the different types of submissives:


Submission is like drinking a glass of water:


The Immediate submissive might have water only when she eats curry. She doesn't do it for itself really, she drinks it because it makes the curry much better, cleanses the mouth, cuts the fire, makes her able to eat more. She wouldn't think of drinking water without the curry.


The Psychological submissive drinks water because she likes it. Sure she will drink it with curry, but she’ll drink it with roast beef, she’ll drink it with sandwiches, she’ll drink it without food at all - because she likes the taste, the way it flows down the gullet, the cleansing feel.


The slave/natural submissive is someone in a hot climate.  She has to drink water. Nothing else does the job. She can try wine or beer or sweet drinks, but when push comes to shove she must have clean water, because the others don't cure the thirst. They might allay it some but when the heat is very fierce, water is the only solution.


It is also important to remember that there can be combinations of the different types in the one person, it is not as clear cut as simply describing a submissive as any of the three definitions given. Within those definitions there are many variations and combinations. Submission can take many forms, and there is no right and wrong. If the basis of the relationship is a power exchange between the parties concerned, then whatever feels right to those people involved,is indeed a Dominant/submissive relationship.


Can you learn to be a submissive or is it natural?

 People can learn to act submissively, this is called role playing or bottoming, where a person who may not be submissive all the time, will act in a submissive manner, to a certain Dominant, for an agreed amount of time in a play session.

There are many people who do just that, masochists often fall into this category.

A masochist is not always submissive but will act submissively in order to get the play he or she craves. There are, however, some submissives who are also masochists.


Some people are natural submissives or true submissives, these people do not learn to act in a submissive manner, they simply ARE submissive. A submissive may undergo training to learn the correct way of doing things for her Master or Dominant, but the basics of her submissive nature are already there.

She submits because it is a need deep within her soul, not for any other reason.


I fall into this category, i am submissive, my need to serve Master is overwhelming, my need to sit at His feet, to call Him Master, to do His bidding and to accept His authority and control of my life, is what i live for.

I have been described as more of a slave than a submissive, and i believe in my own heart that is a more accurate deion of my nature – it is also sometimes referred to as a submissive with slave tendencies.

I think of myself as a slave to my Master.


What is the difference between a submissive and a slave?


Submission is not slavery, all slaves are submissive, but not all submissives are slaves.

In basic terms, a submissive has some rights and choices in the relationship between herself and the Dominant or Master she is submitting to. She has a right to be heard and a right to say no, and is often allowed to make small decisions for herself. Of course all of these things are at the discretion of the Dominant, and her voice may be heard, but it may not change the outcome.

The other important point to note is that a submissive has a safe word.

A submissive does not necessarily live with her Master, it can be a casual relationship, or a permanent, but part time arrangement, as well as a 24/7 live in situation like my own. A submissive can be owned and collared to one Dominant or can simply be one who chooses to submit to someone, at a given time.


A slave does not have rights or choices – except for the one which is to walk away.

She gives up all rights when she agrees to be a slave. A slave cannot say no, a slave cannot make decisions unless told to, and a slave only has a safe word if her Master allows it.

A slave is usually owned and collared, and though does not have to live with her Master, that is often the case.


How does a submissive behave in public and in private?


A good submissive will always remember her place, no matter where she is, and should behave accordingly.

In public especially, a submissive needs to show respect to people around her.

An owned submissive like myself, has to remember that whatever she does, is a direct reflection on her Master – if she misbehaves or is rude or disrespectful, it looks as if her Master has no control, and He can lose face or His standing in the community.

A submissive should never disobey in public nor should she disagree with her Dominant in front of others. If she has a protest, it should be done when she is alone with Him, when she can ask to speak freely and things can be discussed fully.

In private, things are often a lot more relaxed, but even so, good behaviour is one of the most important things to practice. Dominants get tired of having to always be jumping on a bratty or badly behaved submissive. Any good Dominant will not reward bad behaviour so playing up to get a spanking often doesn’t work it just makes everyone concerned irritable, and punishment is likely to be unpleasant.

Of course there is one situation where bad behaviour is acceptable – that is in a role play session, where for an agreed period the submissive may behave like a naughty child, or a rebellious teenager, in order to get the Dominant to punish her. Those scenarios can be fun, and are often a good way for the submissive to let her cheekiness and brattiness out.

It must be said, that in a session, obedience is paramount, there should never be a time when a submissive disobeys a direct order, her life may depend on it.


Most true submissives really want to please the Dominant and therefore bad behaviour is not a common occurrence. Not many submissives deliberately disobey, though sometimes they get into trouble for silly mistakes or for not thinking. When this happens, a good Dominant may very well punish her, but it will be a fair punishment and she will learn the lesson and hopefully won’t make the same mistake again.



How does a submissive relate to other submissives?

 Most submissives will behave in a polite and correct manner towards other submissives, no matter what.

An unattached submissive should never, ever try and push her way in between another sub and her Master or Dominant, it is simply not the done thing.

She may politely request to talk to the Dominant in question, but she should always respect protocol and the position of the other submissive.

There are of course submissives who will behave in this fashion, but they are soon noticed and either told about it, or find themselves on the outside of the circle.

An unattached submissive, may try to compete against others, but normally this is not the case and usually only some newer submissives, or those that really do not understand what submission is about, will behave in this manner.


A submissive needs to have submissive friends, to be able to confide in and to let off steam, knowing that her friends understand the lifestyle and the constraints that come with it. Choosing to give up control of some or all aspects of your life is not an easy decision, nor is it a smooth running path all the time.

Submissives often find that they either can’t contemplate telling their family, or their ‘vanilla’ friends or that those same friends are open minded but simply don’t understand.


How does a submissive relate to other Dominants?

 A submissive should always, without question be polite and respectful to other Dominants. Some submissives use the titles of Sir or Ma’am when addressing other Dominants, but it is more a personal choice of the Master as to how His submissive will address other people. It can also depend on the particular Dominant’s standing within the D/s community.

A submissive should never use the single title of Master or Mistress except for her own Dominant. The exception would be to use the Dominant’s full title such as “Master Joe” or “Mistress Roni”. That is an accepted and fairly common form of address from any submissive, owned or otherwise.

From my own experiences, i tend to use a mixture of both methods, some Dominants i would never think of using anything but Their full titles, whereas others i will address by Their names only. It really depends on my Master’s relationship with the Dominant in question, and also my own connection with Him or Her. I have friends who are Dominant, that i only ever call by Their given names.


An unowned submissive may speak to Dominants freely, but should usually ask to do so,  whereas an owned submissive usually needs to get permission from her Owner first.

An unattached submissive who is looking for casual play or for a more long term relationship, should, without question always be well behaved and show respect, but should not be scared to approach Dominants that she may come into contact with.


If i am spoken to by a Dominant that i am not familiar with, my response is usually something along the lines of, “Please excuse me, but i will need to get permission to continue this conversation” i would then go and ask Master to either come and talk to the Dominant in question or else ask for permission to continue the conversation.

Most good Dominants have a huge amount of respect for submissives, and understand the deep nature of their gift and commitment to their Dominants.

Because of this understanding, there is usually politeness accorded on both sides, however there are Dominants out there who believe that any submissive is fair game and should submit no matter what.

A useful saying to remember, is “i may be submissive, but i am not YOUR submissive” – basically meaning that as a submissive, you do not have to submit to any Dominant except your own, or where there has been an agreement made.

If i am treated in an unacceptable manner by another Dominant, i have permission to tell that person in no uncertain terms to “f*** off!” However, i would normally ask Him if He has permission to touch someone else’s property and i have been known to point to my collar and tag – which clearly states “Property of Master Joe”!

A Dominant should never physically touch any submissive that does not belong to him unless he has permission to do so. –

Of course these are not hard and fast rules and there are plenty of occasions when contact does happen. For example, two Dominants and Their submissives who are all good friends, will meet up – the Dominants will usually shake hands and often will kiss the Other’s submissive, and the submissives will normally hug and kiss each other too.

There is a protocol of sorts in this situation.

The submissives must wait until the Dominants have greeted each other, then the submissives must greet the Dominants, and finally each other.

Greetings are an important part of the lifestyle we follow, and going to an event – a submissive may expect to be kissed and hugged many times over, by Dominants and submissives alike, both for hellos and goodbyes!


The question maybe raised about whether or not a submissive should offer her chair to a Dominant if there are none available. The answer to this is no, unless directed to by your own Master or Dominant. In the vanilla world that may be acceptable behaviour but in the D/s world it is not. If your Master wishes you to give up your seat, He will ask you to do so, other than that, you remain seated if you’ve been told to sit!.


In simple terms it is about politeness and respect for the Dominants. I find a great deal of joy in learning about and putting into practice the protocols demanded of a good submissive, knowing that my behaviour reflects directly back to my Master, it fills me with a sense of pride knowing that i am doing the right thing.


So in conclusion, it can be seen that a submissive is just like any other person. We have likes, dislikes, worries and fears the same as everyone else. Submissives come in all shapes and sizes, and all sexualities and ages, there is no discrimination.

We are just normal people fulfilling our own desires honestly, in a world which is considered by many, to be alternative and definitely not mainstream society.



Copied with permission

Kim Debron 

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