I've heard over and over that there is someone out there who is perfect for me.  That's there is someone for everyone.  However... it has occurred to me that anyone 'perfect' for me would be flawed... what if...

what if that person had too little patience and got tired of looking for me... and settled.  Settled for a vanilla woman who left him unsatisfied and unhappy.  ...or settled for a slut who cheated on him and used him... what if my perfect Dominant won't ever find me?

....don't misunderstand the difference between 'perfect' and 'perfect for me.'

What do I seek?

I need to keep the facade of vanilla.  I have a career and this is a small town in a conservative area.  In my job, I have to be professional and in control.  At work if I'm not in charge, I will never get promoted and people would run over me all day.  My life would be miserable.  If I'm not in control with my dogs, there are times, when they could hurt each other - or people.

They aren't mean dogs, but they're like siblings, and they quarrel occasionally.

In my private life... i crave someone who is stronger than i am.... smarter than i am...

In my relationships... i HAVE to respect him or i don't want him.  he needs to be more than i am in almost every sense.  Educated, hard -working, motivated,  patient.

When i'm in a relationship... i want to feel that flutter in my tummy when i think about him... i want to obsess a bit in my mind.

Kink is great... sex is awesome... but it's the mind stuff that pulls me.  It's knowing that i can trust someone else to give up control of things... even little things... giving the waiter my order... what's for dinner... when my bedtime is...

It's more than just having someone arbitrarily making those decisions, though... it's that the person knows me so well that they CAN do it - well.  It's that they KNOW i need to drop some weight... so they order my dressing on the side... or they know that i'm stressed and working too much and i need some extra sleep... so they send me to bed.

To be clear... i don't hand over control lightly.  i'm fairly OCD about things in my life and trust is a huge factor.  If i think that i can do things better or that the person wants control, only to half-ass decisions where i'm concerned... the respect goes away and things fall apart – I’ll take my life and control back.

something confusing... if i'm searching for a "straight male Dom"  ...whydo i see pictures of chicks giving head and naked kitties?  i mean actually on the profile of straight male Dominants... if i'm looking for a male... why would seeing a girl or girl parts be attractive to me?  i don't understand what these guys are thinking...

I’m wondering why I’m ‘that girl.’ 

Over the last couple of years I’ve received a few phone calls from guys in my past.  These are not merely ex’s who haven’t seen me in a couple of months… these are guys who I dated or impressed more than 10 years ago in a couple of cases.  Four times I’ve been sought out by guys who have told me that they’d thought about me over the years and now want to have contact with me.  A couple have wanted to see me again… a couple have just wanted to keep in closer contact… and one – the most recent (from yesterday) said that now that his marriage was over, he wanted to contact me again because ”You were nice to me.  You were a friend when I needed one,.  You didn’t judge me.  I felt safe with you.  Hearing your voice again made me feel very happy and gave me a strong sense of comfort.”  He’d stopped talking to me several years ago when he was trying to work things out with his wife and he said I was a distraction. (We’d spent some ‘fun time’ together at one point when we worked for the same company and up to that point, he’d still been expressing interest in continuing that…)

If this was an isolated incident, I wouldn’t give it much thought.  It seems to be a recurring theme, though, where guys I know choose someone else for the long haul – blowing me off – in some case really hurting me… and then seeking me out years later to add me back into their lives for whatever reason…

On one hand, I’m flattered that I made such an impression.  On the other hand… why am I always the passed-over one?    

Last night, on probably the weirdest date ever... the guy told me that i was Satan's sister for not wanting to have children.  He wasn't kidding...  #adateiranfrom

i found the end of 'O' wholly unsatisfying.  =(

...personal to me and written for only one person... i think that it's cathartic at this point to share it with whomever would enjoy reading it.  Enjoy.  ...to clarify.... it's cathartic to share now that i'm no longer with this Dom...  this was written as a write-up/journal entry at the time.

Our recent time together haunts my brain… occupies my every thought… please allow me to share my thoughts with You.

Coming off of the airplane, i worried that i didn’t look good enough… that i would disappoint You in some way… i shook from my nerves.  i saw Your smile and your eyes before i noticed the roses You held.  Then i found myself in Your arms and was home.

We walked into the room at the hotel with Your hand on my waist and i walked to the bed to put my things down.  i felt You behind me then… touching me and Your voice melted me from the center out.  Your hands on my chest and pinching my nipples through the thin material of my blouse.

‘Take off your pants, bend over, and put your hands on the bed, ass in the air.’

i did, and was rewarded again with Your hands on my body.  my panties slid down my body and Your hand slid between my legs, my upper thighs felt Your touch and i was lost.

‘Close your eyes’ You told me.  i complied.  i felt Your hot, hard cock enter me and all i could say was Your name.  It came out in a wimper.  i needed You inside of me.  You began to fuck me and the need in me grew.  In and out of me… in and out… for those minutes it was my entire world and then i came on Your cock.  Throbbing and sobbing Your name, i took Your cock until You stopped. 

You dressed again and i waited for permission to stand. 

Later, in the restaurant, i leaned into You and breathed in Your smell.  You ordered for me… spoke for me… touched me… and i could still feel You inside me.  my blouse displayed my breasts for You while we ate and i loved Your eyes on me. It felt right… and my thoughts kept going back to the hotel room until i found myself there with You again.

Back inside our hotel room i became, over the next days, Your fuck toy… Your plaything… Your property.  i modeled lingerie (and nudity) for Your enjoyment, i walked for Your pleasure, i remained wet for Your immediate and constant use…  i stood in the corner as directed, while You worked.  i wore lingerie, a small black, sheer, tight-fitting nighty that showed as much as it covered – the bottom of my ass peeked out from the bottom and the heels i wore were black and high and accentuated the muscle in my legs.  i turned in the corner as You directed, posing and stretching and moving leisurely to provide a mild distraction while You toiled with Your work and spoke on the phone about business.  i felt Your eyes on me and was happy to comply with Your direction, though i blushed under Your scrutiny.  At some point, i needed Your touch and began to move from my corner.  i didn’t want You to tell me to return – i needed Your touch – but if You’d told me to go back, i was ready to behave… displaying myself for You as You decide.  i crawled to You, putting my head in Your lap while You sat at the desk and worked, petting me and soothing my need to be touching You.

On my second night with You as i’d finally been directed to bedtime and i slept… i was comfortable in Your arms and wet from being ridden earlier and touched constantly.  i was ready for You even while i slept – and even as i write this letter – and then suddenly You were spreading my legs and inside of me.  i woke while You mounted me and began fucking hard this cunt that belongs so completely to You.  my mind was crazed, as You’d kept me ready to come for hours and sent me to bed horny and fucked, but not allowed to come.  i could only think of two things… that it was my owner fucking me and i could say Your name and that i was so happy and privileged to belong to You and to receive Your lust and i could only say ‘thank You.’  Over and over while You rode me i said those two things and couldn’t think of anything else… could feel Your cock inside me … stroking in and out of Your wet cunt… pounding me and spanking my tits.  Your stamina was impressive and Your cock brutal as it claimed me again and again and i asked You to allow me to come.  You told me no.  ‘Not yet’ and You continued to pound in and out of me, making me crazy and sending me so close to release i couldn’t hold it a second longer ‘please let me come’ i begged You for release…. And You gave me that… ‘come for Me slut’ as You continued to ride me… and i came for You… Your name on my lips and Your cock in my cunt and all i could think was that i was so thankful to be Yours.  You are the one who grants my pleasure… You are the owner of my pleasure and it’s Yours to give… Yours to give when You choose.  i also knew in that moment that You didn’t have to allow me to come and that without Your permission i wouldn’t have.  i would have held it back and slept in Your arms on the verge of insanity.  i knew it to my core… and i was more Yours because of it.

The days progressed in this way… with my body ready for Your constant use.  Constrained with cuffs i knew a loss of movement and a growth of trust.  my ass in the air waiting for Your cock to plunder… or my legs spread, opening me for Your view or Your touch… or my mouth available for Your cock – hard or soft… for relaxation or for pleasure… the reason didn’t matter to me.  If You wanted my mouth or my throat, like the rest of me, it was Yours… and Your use of it made me happy and content.  My mouth belongs to You – and it is as ready for Your continual use as is Your cunt.

For four nights in a hotel room in Your hometown and everywhere You were, You were subtly changing me.  Transformed forever from Your submissive into Your property.  Your personal whore.  Your slave… more than just a submissive for you to play with.  You took my soul as well as my body and i begged you to do it and thanked You when you’d done it.

most days i feel like i'm going the wrong way on a one-way...

Suppose i should update...

i'm okay.  ...a little more cautious; a little more tentative... but okay.

i've met a few people but nobody that draws me like i need.  ...not yet.

i've been offered things and places... but not the right combination.  offer me strength, honesty, and intelligence.

the question i've come to hate:  'what are you seeking?'  i'm not really seeking.  i'm waiting.  i know that the one i need is out there and will find me.  i know that he's strong, intelligent, honest.  He's respectable and will respect me... he's thoughtful and smart and fun and doesn't have to prove that he's tough by being mean to me.  i'm here... i'll be here when he finds me, and i'll be loyal and strong and giving.  i'll give my entire self... all that i am. 

Okay... so I can't stay sad forever.  i find that there are a few people i'm enjoying talking with and may at some point meet.  i also find that i'm in no hurry to get my heart tangled up with someone again.  this is a slow process out of necessity...  but i'm okay.  ...and if the right Dominant comes along i'm sure fate will guide me.

Beginning on June 30th, i felt like i couldn't breathe anymore.  I felt like someone died.  all i could do was cry... and try to function.

It's gotten much better now... i'm functioning - i've gone out a couple of times and made some nice contacts.  i can breathe most of the time... i stay busy and try not to think too much about things that make me sad.  i do 'normal' things - spend time with family, my dogs, focus on work stuff.  I struggle with the same things i always have... boring, everyday things that many people deal with.  I still have my home, my job, my health.  I still have a handful of friends who mean the world to me.  I've distracted myself with new things - gone jet skiing, bought a treadmill and taught my dogs to use it...  I've started reading things that I enjoy again.

But sometimes... like tonight... I'm going about my business and then I have the sensation that someone has punched me hard in the stomach.  I can't breathe.  I cry.

I've always been very drawn to the moon.  A couple of little mice once sang a beautiful song about the moon and stars and how even though they were very far apart, they were connected by that sky.  Two months ago tonight I was standing in another city, next to Him, under the full moon - watching the city lights and observing the gorgeous full moon and the bright, beautiful night sky.  Two months ago, things seemed so right in my world.  In his arms, everything felt comfortable.  In his world, I felt like i had finally come home.  Tonight that scene is so far away and I tell myself that I'm fine.  Between the convulsive tears and the blocked sinuses I try to convince myself that he just doesn't deserve me.  He doesn't deserve the pain that he's caused me.  I tell myself to say it with conviction.  "He doesn't deserve me."  More conviction...  "He doesn't deserve me!"  I don't know if it's an exercise in futility or at some point I can make myself believe it.  Until then... I'll be okay.  I'll stay busy.  ...and I'll keep telling myself these things.  ...but still... there is the moon.

right now i don't feel okay at all.  i miss him so much.

i know that he doesn't want me... i know he doesn't want to talk to me or explain anything... i know i'll probably never be friends with him or work with him or be held by him ever again.  i know that it doesn't help me to think about the last full moon when i was with him and he held me on the hill overlooking the city.  I know that all the plans we discussed will never happen...  i know all of this.

...but it hurts and i want all of those things and it felt so right... and i don't understand what happened... he SAID he loved me... wanted those things... enjoyed my company... he said i added value to his life and was wonderful in a hundred ways...   it hurts and i miss him and i miss what i thought we had.  i'm still crying.

i've had offers for shoulders to cry on - and i appreciate them... i appreciate the support and friendships that i've found through all of this.  i'm just lost.

Selfish.

Harry has gone... following Champ by only 3 weeks.  Harry was with me for more than 3 months and Champ only a month and a half.  Fostering these dogs was a joy for my heart, though not always for my brain.  More than once I lost a shoe or found a hole in some piece of furniture that didn't previously have one (and didn't particularly need one) or wished that the energy level in my house would lessen by about 300%.  More than once I came home from work and had something unpleasant to clean up.  ...but...

I also have to admit that their joy, their devotion, the love that they shared without condition was something that will last for me and something that i can carry with me.  I mourn for them as if they had passed and not found a loving home with good people that will love them for the rest of their lives.  I celebrate for them... and I cry for myself.

I've always been a bit selfish that way.

I still have my own dogs.  Four of them and they are actually trained, behaved, and i know without a doubt that they love me.  They don't always listen - two of them are terriers, after all... but they are pure spirits and hold no grudges or malice or jealousy or any of the worst of the human traits.  I'd like to spend a little while with just the five of us... just gathering my own little family close and loving them, but i know that so many others need help.  I can only help one - or maybe 2 at a time... the euthanasia lists are long and the funds and space and time are very small.  ...but it's hard to say no when it makes such a big difference to those few that i can help.  ...and selfishly i'll cry.

i'm submissive.  i'm not stupid.  don't condescend to me.  my education and life experiences are at least a match for yours.

if i gave you my promise, would you believe me in your soul?

if i gave you my undivided attention, would you notice?

if i gave you my service would it be welcome?

if i gave you my body, would you know the value of it?

if i gave you my heart would you treasure it?

if my soul was all yours, would you understand what it means to me?

would it be enough?