After feeling I am giving the wrong impression. I have decided to update this profile to mirror my other account. New profile.

To be a masochist or not to be?

masochism   /ˈmæsəˌkɪzəm, ˈmæz-/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [mas-uh-kiz-uhm, maz-] –noun 1. Psychiatry. the condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering, physical pain, and humiliation. 2. gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, esp. the tendency to seek this form of gratification. 3. the act of turning one's destructive tendencies inward or upon oneself. 4. the tendency to find pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness, etc.

The first one does not apply. I get zero sexual gratification out of pain or humiliation.

The second,third, and fourth... maybe. If the word gratification is a general statement then yes. I get a lot of mental and emotional gratification out of it. My whole purpose for recieveing pain is the torture aspect. I like suffering. I am in it to feel pain. I don't wander off into subspace. I embrace the pain and love the way it effects me. I love that very extreme pain makes me REALLY scream. When you yell for a random reason thats one thing. But, to really scream from the pit of your stomach is the most releasing act ever.

When I play I have this arrogant attitude that I can take on the whole dungeon. That no one can push me to the point of breaking or using a safe word. It's an internal battle I have. Like submittinbg even while I play has to be forced. I have this militant attitude that no one will take me down. Like getting to the point of admitting the pain is to much is a failure.

I do love the endorphine rushes you get when you play hard. The adreneline released when in terrible pain is intoxicating and leaves you highly vulnerable. I have no control of my emotions and am totally of a free will at that point. I thought I didn't want or need aftercare. But as of late I realize that I do need it. Just not right after play. The next day is really when I need it. Crashing from playing the next day is rough for me. I feel guilt and shame. I need validation at that point.

Lately, as I have been analyzing this and trying to evolve into more of a submissive, I have come to realize a lot of things. All of the last paragraphs are a LOT to try to define me and how I play. Its complicated and also not a lot of fun. I place too much thought on who and what I should be on sterotypical labels.

I am at a point where I want to stop making all of this SO hard. So complicated. Why can't I just embrace who I am and enjoy it? Why does this life for me have to be so love/hate? I want to enjoy the way I choose to live my life not use it as a tool. crutch, drug for catharsis. (thanks MK)

Keeping things simple isn't as eay at it sounds. It's quite complicated for me. I have realized that bringing more complications to the table then anything else isn't that appealing for anyone to be around. Much less deal with myself. I want to be someone that has the ability to devote themselves to another. I can't do that when I can't let things go and keep things simple.

A new fetish?

I made plans with my current boyfriend of the week. We took a bottle of wine to the beach. When we got there I noticed that the beach was pretty much all shells. The gulf has been stirring up something. It is usually all sand.

Anyway, after a long throat fucking session he threw me down on my back. We had a blanket but somehow most of me ended up NOT on the blanket. So my back and ass was totally exposed to the very hard and sharp shells. Well, he was fucking me pretty hard and the shells started cutting into my back and ass very hard. The harder he fucked me the worse the pain was. Well the pain and the great shag made the most intense orgasms I have had since my last date with a sybian.

When it was over I got up off the shells and my back is cut all to hell and it looks like I had a awesome encounter with a singletail.

So, for all of you fortunate enough to be beachside check this out. Or next time you are on vacation try it. A nice swim in the water is a good way to clean the wounds after. BURNS too!

A neighbor of mine is really into yoga and meditation and lately he has noticed how stressed I am and has offered to teach me some ways to relax. As he is explaining the benefits he is using analogies that are really hitting home for me. He said you know when you are in a really cold shower and you are forcing yourself to stand there and get used to it; you are for those few seconds just concentrating on the cold and your breath. He says meditation is like that. You take the focus off the sresses in life and focus on something that is total trivial.

Well, after thinking about that for a minute I realized that S&M is that for me. It is my moments of clairity and my meditation. When I play it isn't sexual. It is actually more physically and emotionally exhausting. The mental clairity after play is very nice. It is like the outside world isn't such a big thing that I have been making things out to be.

When I play, I play at such a high level that I am not thinking about how bad something hurts even when I am bleeding and welted and a hysterical crying mess. I like to scream. I like to cry. I like to feel total and pure agony. It makes me feel better emotionally. When you are so broken down physically and mentally there is no where to go but up.

Also, I feel like I chase the drop. What I mean by that is that I like sub drop. I like the day or so after where even thinking correctly can be a challenge. I like the fact that my body is in so much pain. It is a constant reminder of what I went through to get to that point.

When I play I have to totally trust the person I play with to be sane enough to know when I have had enough. I am beyond stubborn in the sense that when I play I wont stop. I wont use a safe word. It is like giving up to me and that is something I don't do. I get to a point where I don't care how badly bruised or how badly I am bleeding. Doms I play with have to be able to see this and know when I have had enough.

It is funny... I hear subs (etc) describe this eurphoric state of mind called sub space.I don't have that. Basically, I get so focused on the pain that I see, hear nothing else. It doesn't feel good. It isn't a rush. It fucking hurts and hurts badly. I guess that is my meditation............

Looks like I need to play and stop being such a high-strung, stressed out bitch.LOL