cont.)

So...about that night.  Well, it began with a day of exploration.  Our new house has woods behind it, and our back gate leads out into the woods.  We had heard that there is a creek behind the house, so we decided to go explore it.  We went through the gate, navigated through the trees, twigs, bushes, rocks, and everything else that was in our way.  Obviously, the path that once led to the creek has since been overgrown with weeds and tree branches that have fallen from the storms that we've had.  We found the creek almost immediately.  The creek bed was dry since we haven't had any rain recently.  We started to walk the creek bed and came across a storm drainage that goes underneath the highway and eventually leads out to the river (so we were told).  We began exploring it, but it was obvious we weren't prepared for it.  It was dark.  Very dark.  Our words echoed throughout the tunnel.  It was scary, but with CapnJim on my side, i felt safe and secure.  We walked through, noted the graffiti on the walls, and continued walking until it got too dark to walk anymore without sufficient light.  (All we had was his cell phone, and that wasn't emitting enough light to pass through safely.)

i love this tunnel.  It was like being a kid again...exploring and going on an adventure.  i have nicknamed it "The Tunnel of Love."  This is OUR tunnel.  CapnJim isn't allowed to take any other girls (he's a photographer) to OUR tunnel to shoot them.  i am the only one he can photograph in OUR tunnel.

So, after exploring the tunnel, we came home...both horny and very turned on.  We went home and found our way straight into the bedroom.  i'm not sure how it began, but somehow, it happened.  His fingers went to playing with my pussy.  First one, then two, then three, and then four.  Four fingers filling up my wet pussy.  It was such a good feeling.  Somehow or another, his entire hand found it's way inside of me...all the way to the wrist.  It hurt...but damn, it felt so good to be filled up like that.  My pussy fought him...trying to push this foreign object out, but of course, he fought back.  He resisted my fight and pushed harder against my pussy muscles.  i couldn't win...hell, i didn't want to win.  As i pushed against his hand, he resisted and pushed his way inside of me...deeper and harder.  He got the mirror and let me watch his hand disappear into my pussy.  It was really neat to watch, as i had never seen anything like that before.  My pussy simply swallowed him up. 

At this point, i got way horny and wanted to go out onto the deck in the back yard.  It didn't bother me that we live next to an apartment building and anyone on the top floors could watch what was going on down below them.  Jim brought out the video camera and turned on the infrared mode and began video taping me in the lawn chair on the deck.  He began inserting his fingers inside of my pussy...first one, then two...just like he did inside of the house until his whole hand was inside.  Only this time, as he thrusted, i thrusted back.  Afterwards, he began playing with my g-spot, trying to get me to squirt, but i could only squirt a little at a time.  i guess i experienced "stage fright."  Either that, or i need to let myself build up for a few days instead of squirting every day like i had been doing the past several days. 

We have decided, that for the time being, "date night" will be on Thursday nights since Thursday is the last day of the work week for me.  This past Thursday, CapnJim took me to the tunnel to have our "date night."  He packed a picnic of potato chips, dip, beer, ginger ale, and some other things that we never even got to because by the time we got out to the tunnel, it was already starting to get dark.  The thought was nice though, and not only did he pack a picnic, but he also packed the video camera and we were able to make a short video in the tunnel. 

i haven't figured out what he is going to do with all of these videos yet, but it has been very fun making them...and i'm looking forward to making more.  Even if they never leave our site, just the thought that other people may see them, is a huge turn-on to me!!  (It certainly brings out the voyeur in me!)

We did attend Fourth Friday this past weekend.  One person there stated that he recognized CapnJim.  He may have recognized him either from here or from FL, or he may have simply mistaken him for someone he THOUGHT he knew.  Either way, we were there.  i'm hoping to start attending more if my work schedule allows it, but my work schedule is getting ready to change again, and i'm not sure if we'll be able to continue going.   If you should happen to recognize us, however, at one of these lifestyle events, please be sure to say something to us!!  We look forward to meeting other people in this lifestyle!

(the new picture of me with the graffiti behind me is the one taken in our "love tunnel.)

Week five: so i was "instructed" to post a journal entry this week. This week has been the easiest and hardest by far. CapnJim came *home* last Saturday....55 days early. i was not expecting him, so it was very surprising to find out that he was sitting at Hilo airport awaiting a plane to take him to Honolulu and then to his final destination: Dallas. Now, my daughter and i had JUST moved from our two bedroom apartment to a three bedroom house. i was unable to get ANY time off from work, so the house was in shambles when he arrived. Him coming home is what made this week the "easiest," but the adjustment has been difficult. We haven't had any problems between us, but everything around us seems to be going to $h!t. On Sunday, on the way to work, the truck died at the intersection and wouldn't start because it needed a new fuel pump. That caused major chaos. CapnJim had the truck towed to my favorite mechanic, got me a cab so i could get to work an hour and a half late, rented a car so i could get back and forth to work, and then got the truck fixed. We got the truck back on Tuesday, but it's still running like $h!t. Then Monday night we had a storm that blew a tree onto our deck. We're working on that, trying to get it fixed in time for our daughter's birthday party on Saturday. The Mustang was jump-started today and went to my favorite mechanic to replace the clutch. (i'm thinking that we may be starting to become my favorite mechanic's favorite customers!) More chaos. CapnJim has really been amazing, but it's been an adjustment having him *home.* Him and our child have been trying to bond, but that's been an adjustment for both of them. CapnJim's kids are all grown and out of the house. And of course, our child isn't used to having a man around the house or sharing her time with me with another person. It's been her and me for a long time now. So far, it seems to be working out...and finally tonight, she admitted that he's grown on her and she actually likes him. But, it's been an adjustment. Would i change anything if given the chance? Absolutely NOT. i have NEVER been treated so good in my life. CapnJim let's me sleep in while he takes our daughter to school. He fixes my lunch every morning for work. He washes my dirty dishes when i get home. He drives me to and from work so i can spend an extra hour with him a day. He has been unpacking a little each day while i'm at work. Last night he fixed an amazing spaghetti dinner and served it to us on our deck in the backyard. He is working on things that need to be done around the house. He does the shopping. He fixes things. He makes me cum.... ....damn, does he make me cum. Somehow, in the midst of all of the chaos, we still manage to have amazing sex every day...at least once; sometimes more. Sometimes my orgasms have been such an emotional release, that i find myself in tears afterwards (3 times so far). i haven't done that with anyone else before...but then, i've had a lot of *firsts* with CapnJim. Last night he made me *squirt* a LOT...the final time by spanking my pussy (another *first* because for the first time, i really enjoyed it the spanking, plus i squirted for the first time by being spanked). He has also made me orgasm and squirt during one session of f--king. Usually, i can do one or the other, but not both. i've cum twice in one day (a *first* for me.) i can pee in front of him...but not if he's in the bathroom with me...well, i don't *think* i could, anyway. He double penetrated my pussy with his cock and a vibrator for the first time...which i really enjoyed, i might add. He gets me wet at work, just by reading his journal entries. Oh...and i moaned so loud that i made the dogs outside bark...lol. i think i am almost ready to have him take me in the ass, and if we accomplish that, it will be the first time that i've *wanted* it. For the *first* time, i don't *want* to go to the Lido...not by myself anyway. i get all of the sexual satsfaction that i need from CapnJim...so satisfied in fact, that most nights i end up passing out from sex instead of having that *after sex smoke,* which only smokers understand that craving (a *first* for me again). i know there have been other *firsts* but i can't think of them all right now. Of course, that's what i get for not keeping my journal updated in a timely manner; i'll have to work on that. As for the Lido, i would love to go there with him, but only when we're *very* secure in our relationship...which i'm not quite there yet. i can't tell you what's wrong...because i'm not sure anything is. But i sometimes think he regrets coming out here. It could just be my overactive imagination, or the fact that it's still "too good to be true" attitude, or even the fact that i have sabotaged other relationships in the past instead of allowing myself to get too close to someone. i'm really not sure why i *feel* that way sometimes. There are times when the silence is awkward. There are times when something just doesn't *feel* right. There are other times when i feel guilty because of everything he has done for me and my daughter. Or it may be the fact that he really isn't interested in marrying me...which makes me automatically think he doesn't want to commit to me. But there are things he does which makes the worrying seem stupid. Like the way he holds me after sex or when i'm crying. Last night i asked him if he would just go back to Hawaii if i told him i didn't want to be with him anymore. For a minute, he didn't say anything and for a brief second, i thought he might have been crying...but he wasn't. He simply responded with not wanting to force me into being with him if i didn't want him anymore. i was hoping he would tell me that he would *fight* for me, but often times when you *test* someone, it backfires....which is what happened in this case. He stopped correcting me when i talk about *home* as in Hawaii. He used to correct me by saying he *is* home. i never have a negative feeling when we're f--king, but i do worry that the sex is what keeps him around...and if we lose the sex, would our relationship just wither away to nothing? So honestly, HE hasn't really given me a *good* reason to think that there's anything wrong with us, and i sincerely hope it's just my mind playing tricks on me. i really DO want this to be my journey towards my "happily ever after," but i'm not entirely convinced that he sees that as HIS future. So, i try to let him know that he's appreciated. i try to express the fact that i am in love with him *that* much. i try to go out of my way to hug, hold, or kiss him. Every day i let him know how happy i am that he's *home* and i strive to make him happy. i reaffirm that i am his girl slave and slut as well as his lover and friend. He is by far the best friend i've ever had (another *first* for me since i don't usually have real friends). i am not sure what i can do to keep from having these negative thoughts, or if it's anything that i CAN do. i really hope i'm wrong, and i really hope i can shake this before i start creating a *real* problem between us. i do know that we have amazing communication, and that once he reads this, it will probably be one of our next major conversations...or with my luck, that may backfire too and he'll never approach me about it. We'll have to wait and see what happens. i love him so much and he is everything i've ever wanted *my* man to be. i am so glad i waited for him this time instead of just settling for someone who could give me the attention that i sometimes crave. i *want* him in my life tomorrow and every tomorrow that comes after tomorrow. He completes me....

oh...another *first.*  tonight...for the *first* tme, he isn't interested in f--king.  Tonight he wants to sleep.  So tell me...IS my mind playing tricks on me.....?

Upon reading CapnJim?s latest journal posting, it seems that there has been some miscommunication between whether or not he *released* me on a temporary basis.? He seems to remember the conversation one way;?i remember it?another.? We both agreed to disagree on this?each remembering in our own way on how the conversation went.?

?i?am taking it a bit further and saying that it?s no longer important.

?However, in keeping up with CapnJim?s journal entry from yesterday,?i have decided tonight to write about that same word *RELEASE* in my entry?however, in a completely different context.

?i?have this ?fear of the unknown? complex which can be taken in both the BDSM lifestyle as well as the vanilla lifestyle.? There are many, many different words in each language that i?m pretty much terrified of.? In the BDSM lifestyle, for example, words like ?total power exchange,? ?slave,? ?asphyxia,? and ?servant? frighten me.? In the vanilla world, i?m scared of words such as ?death,? ?the future,? ?universe,? and ?soul.?? Again, there are many more that?i can add to each list (probably more in the first list), but you get the main idea. ?All of these words are things that?i know nothing of or very little about.? ?Fear of the unknown??

?i?used to think that as long as i maintained control of my life,?i wouldn?t ever have to deal with any of these words.? Now some of them are inevitable, such as ?death,? but?i used to think that?i wouldn?t die an untimely death, and so far, i?ve managed to escape that.?But recently i've been realizing that i really don't?have or need?control as i originally thought.

?After my last major heartbreak, over five years ago,?i put this wall up around me in an effort to maintain control.? As long as?i had this wall, no one would be able to get in.? No one could figure out how my head works, what makes me tick, or use anything they learned about me in an effort to manipulate me.? And as long as they couldn?t manipulate me, they couldn?t hurt me.??i maintained control of my life and kept people on the outside of my wall.

?Well, until CapnJim came along.? Almost immediately, he was able to get through this wall that?i put up.? It never occurred to me until today, how he was able to get in.? My wall was nothing more than an effort in my mind to maintain control.? This wall of mine never kept people out; it simply made me think it did.? The real truth is that no one wanted to make a serious effort to get in.? CapnJim was able to break through my walls with just a little bit of persistence.? No one else was willing to try.? i thought?i had control; but as it turns out,?i didn?t.

?However, i?ve come to realize that no matter how close CapnJim and?i are, the ?void? is still there.??i haven?t been able to bring this up to him, because?i didn?t want to upset him.??i needed to figure this out on my own, so i?ve been recently challenging him with questions such as ?How can?i become closer to you??? ?What can?i do to make our connection stronger?? He challenged me in return by opening my mind to different things?one of them being the fact that HE thinks i?m slave material.

Now, he isn?t the only one who has said that?but he is one of two who have almost made me accept the possibility that?i am a slave.? The first one came almost a year ago when?i met my slave girlfriend and her owner tried to explain why i couldn't find what i wanted.? It wasn?t until this afternoon, when?i remembered that conversation, along with the things that CapnJim said to me, that?i realized what it was he was talking about.? That void hasn't been filled.

?So, my second epiphany came this afternoon when?i came to realize that the whole reason CapnJim doesn?t fill this void, is simply because i?haven?t allowed him to.??i haven?t been able to let go and *RELEASE* myself to him.? And until that happens,?i will never be able to fill that void and?i will never be able to connect with him on the level that i?ve been craving.

??

i?hereby vow on this 4^th day of August, 2012 at approximately 1700 CST that?i? RELEASE myself (freedom) from my own control and give COMPLETE control to CapnJim so that he may have my mind, my heart, my body, and my soul.

?My mind is his, not so he can control or abuse, but rather, so he can challenge.? He can push my limits, take me to places i?ve never been before (i.e. subspace, fantasies which i?ve only told him about, etc.), use as a very intense sexual tool, instill fear in, challenge, and teach me to use other senses besides touch to have mind-blowing orgasms.?

My heart is his to love, to cherish, to hold and to protect.? In exchange,?i will love all of him and his heart?unconditionally.? i will love him as his slave, his slut, his lover, his wife, or any way he chooses.

?My body is his to take control of.? He can play on it, take it, share it, push limits with it, deny it, worship it, punish it, reward it, discipline it, or do with it whatever he decides.? And in exchange,?he may try anything once with me.

My soul is his for a lifetime (and beyond) for him to go into the depths of to continue to learn more about me so that he can do or have all of the above. I will be his good girl or his bad in whatever name or setting he chooses. In exchange, he will ALWAYS be a part of me?after all, he does complete me.

?

i?believe that with this complete exchange of power, the void that i?ve had for so many years can finally be fulfilled.??i believe that as CaptJim controls me,?i will find that deeper level of connection that i?ve been longing for.??i believe that with CaptJim by my side,?i will believe in all of those things which I?ve been struggling with over the last several weeks, and he knows exactly what those things are.

?i?trust that CaptJim will never abuse this power which is why there will be no safe words.??i know he will never intentionally hurt me beyond what he *knows*?i can take.??i know he will push my limits, but never push me away by doing so.?i know he will always take care of me and be there for me.?i know he will challenge me with new fears, new ideas, and new adventures.??i know he will find that very fine line between pleasurable pain and unbearable pain.??i know he will calm my fears, put up with my feistiness and mood swings, kiss my tears, and be there for me no matter what.??i know that CapnJim will always be my best friend who?i can come to about anything.? And?i know that we will have a life-long journey that will be so amazing as we explore it?together.

?

?

?

?

?

Today i wanted to write in my journal twice.  The first, written earlier, was about my fucked up week.  This second one is about something totally different.
Now, although i used to do phone sex as a source of income for me (which i stopped doing years ago), i was never on the receiving end of one.  Last night was my *first.*
But, with Jim being 3500+ miles away for the next 61 days, we needed to find a way to *connect* on a more closer level.  Of course, the physical difference makes it difficult, as does the time difference between us since there are only a few hours that overlap during our awake time.  (i'm still waiting for him to wake up and start his day which i started six hours ago.)  In addition, it's summertime, and my teenage daughter is usually home all day...so that makes it difficult as well.
CapnJim has wanted me to *play* over the phone during a bathroom break at work, but i don't feel very comfortable doing that just yet.  Mostly because it takes me so long to cum...
So...our plan to try the *phone sex* thing turned into a two day event.  i've been spending my days trying to get moved out of the apartment and into my house.  The last couple days have been spent on cleaning the empty apartment.  Sometimes my daughter is with me, but she just started day camp, so she's gone during the day. 
We were supposed to try this out the day before yesterday.  My trojan vibrator didn't have working batteries, so i had to find a way around that.
After work on Wednesday, i went around to the different stores, looking for *something* that i could use in place of the Trojan.  There is this personal massager that plugs in.  It gave me my very first orgasm about 12 years ago.  (Yes, that's right...i was very slow in learning how to have an orgasm.)  i was looking for that, but i couldn't find it anywhere.  i ended up buying one of the ones that fits in the palm of your hand, but it just didn't seem to work for me.  So Wednesday, by the time i finished running around looking for something and not really finding anything, it was late and i was tired...and really not feeling well.
So yesterday, after work, i continued on my quest to find something to use.  i ended up with batteries for my Trojan, so i figured i was making progress.  i went to CVS to look for something else...anything else that i could use to help me through this process.  This is what i ended up buying:
          1)  pantyhose
          2)  an Oral-B "active" toothbrush with a spinning head
          3)  some warming lubricant
i was ready.  Those three things would help me along with the Trojan.  i desperately wanted to cum for CapnJim while he was on the phone with me.  i was DETERMINED to make it happen.
i started out taking a few pictures for him...which he didn't get for some reason.  So, i decided to post them here so that he could see them.  They are the ones of me in the pink sports bra and panties.
When he called, we began talking about our day...as we usually do...until he told me that i needed to *ask* for what i wanted.  Now, being the phone sex *giver*...i'm not used to having to *ask* permission for anything.  But somehow, as awkward as it was, i managed to get it out.
i took my trojan and began playing as CapnJim started talking.  We talked about sex...my fantasies...my desires.   Later, i learned that CapnJim was trying to get into my head to figure out what turns me on...and what makes me the girl that i am today.  i've often told people that i'm complicated and NOT to waste their time trying to figure me out because it will only frustrate them.  i'm not sure if i ever told CapnJim this or not, but it really doesn't matter, because he's very persistant and determined...so even if i did tell him NOT to, he still would.  In a weird kind of way, it really turns me on that he wants to *know* me like that. 
It wasn't long before i dropped into submissive mode, and i even started calling him "Sir," which is something that doesn't come easy for me.  (i think it's from my years in the military.)  Actually, i was really hoping he would demand that i call him "Sir," but he never did.
So, i took the pantyhose and i bound my tits together.  i LOVE having them bound together like that.  i really love having both nipples teased together.  i love the light brushes of fingers barely touching them.  Since i couldn't really have that, i decided to use the toothbrush to give me a similiar feeling on my nipples as i took the Trojan and worked on my clitoris, which was already tingling from CapnJim's words and the warming lube that i used.
CapnJim told me to put a finger in my ass, but that was really difficult to do and hold the phone at the same time.  I tried speaker phone, but often our conversations get a little garbled which makes it difficult to actually translate the conversation into something we can both understand.  So, the finger in the ass didn't work...but the thought of him telling me to put a finger in my ass was another huge turn on.  For some reason, i love it when he tells me to do something and sometimes i really desire for him to instruct me.  (To call him Sir, to put a finger in my ass, to relax, to let go,to connect with him, etc.etc...).
As my breathing changed, so did CapnJim's tone of voice.  It seemed that the more excited i got, the more excited he got.  Wow...there's an interesting concept...and one i'm not used to.  i'm always used to being the *giver*...not the *receiver.*  Those really are two different things...and each one makes me feel completely different... whether i'm receiving or giving.
i closed my eyes and pictured him lying with his arms around me, whispering things in my ear instead of over the phone.  The feeling of *connecting* with him became really intense...especially after owning up to my fucking around on him the other night.  i was no longer in my apartment.  The rest of the world was shut out, and it was only him and me.
Just about the time i was close to cumming, the Trojan crapped out on me.  Yep, that's just my luck!!  That's pretty much how my life goes.  If Murphy is around, then he's going to screw up my day...somehow.  Apparently he was messing with my Trojan last night because the stupid thing wouldn't stay on long enough for me to cum.
CapnJim suggested i take the Oral-b "active" toothbrush to my clit.  Who would have thought???  That's not something i think about when i'm out replacing toothbrushes, but it certainly became an idea last night...and why not?  i was alone, there weren't any neighbors to watch, and i was alone...with CapnJim.
So...my toothbrush came off my nipples and found it's way to my clit.  My other hand barely touched my two nipples....which is how i like it.
CapnJim continued talking...telling me how he wanted me to cum for him...willing me to let go of my control...give it to him...and simply *cum.*  No...to *cum for him.*  Which is better than just cumming.  He explained that i was scared of losing my control, but that it was okay because i was giving it to someone i could completely trust.  He *knew* me...he *got* me....he *understood* my inhibitions, my kinky nature, my desires, my wants...and mostly my *needs.*
As we continued talking, i felt a rush and a huge wave sweep over my body and i knew that if i was to ask permission to cum, i had better do it immediately.   "May i cum for you Sir....PLEASE?"  His response (and my favorite, i might add) was "ABSOLUTELY!!" and before he could get to the last syllable, i was already cumming.  My hips went up and i arched my back trying to get every single ounce of the orgasm that was going through my entire body (that came out of nowhere!!).  Damn...it was intense.  It was longer than usual too...well at least more than if i am by myself.
And then i cried.  i don't know why...it just happened.  Everything came over me...the amount of love i have for this man....how much i miss him every day...how badly i want to *connect* with him...how much i want him to relinquish the *release* that he gave me and put me into his heart again...how much i hated disappointing him...and how badly i want him to come home so i can start my "happily ever after" with him.  (It's never too late to live happily ever after!!)
He asked me if i was crying.  It was like Tom Hanks asking "Are you crying?  There's no crying in baseball!!!  But when i didn't respond, his voice became softer and he repeated the question on if i was crying.  He explained that he needed to know in an effort to get inside my head, to find out what makes me tick.  How could i resist?  i didn't want him to know i was crying...i didn't want him mad...or make him think he upset me or scared me or anything.  i didn't want to tell him, but i did.  i didn't want him to think i was stupid for crying because i already felt that way.  Why on earth would i cry when i just had one of the most intense orgasms ever???  That REALLY did not make sense.  At least, it didn't make sense to me...but somehow it made sense to him, because he called me later to "thank" me for that.  Really?  i couldn't understand why he would thank me for being stupid and crying, but it seemed to make sense to him.
And again, i let my guard down, and i let him in.  i was suddenly thrilled to know that i pleased him enough for him to call me back just to thank me.   He said it was "amazing."  i'm thinking "stupid" and he's thinking "amazing."  Go figure.
And today, as i anticipate his first text of the day, i'm feeling incredibly *close* to him.  i don't understand any of this.  i don't know how to "ask the universe" for something like he wants me to do.  i don't understand "energy" or feeding off all the *energy* in the world like he's suggested.  All i know is that i've never felt this close to anyone before, and i've never longed for something as much as i long for him...right now.

Week three.  This has been a tough week.  A lot has been going on and it has been an emotional roller coaster for me.
 Let's start with the vanilla things first:  i finally got moved.  That was tough enough in itself, but since CapnJim took care of the movers, i was able to shift my focus on other things...like a major test that i had this week. 
The new house is great.  i really love the yard that sits on a quarter of an acre lot.  However, the grass is growing, and i haven't gotten a lawn mower yet.  Ugh.  i haven't cut grass in over five years, i think. 
We found a patio table for the deck.  It seats 7 people and it has a tile inlay instead of glass.  i really like it.  Now we just need people to entertain...lol. 
The house is a mess...i have soooo much crap that's accumulated over my lifetime.  It's time to unload these boxes and start getting rid of things because i really want to start downsizing.  But, it's much more *fun* to get on the computer and write in my journal!  I guess it was the next day after my last journal entry that i really fucked up.  i had asked CapnJim if i could go to the Lido last Thursday.  Naturally, he said NO.  But...i tend to be defiant and because i've had control my whole life over myself and what i do, i couldn't just take NO as an answer.  i wanted to keep control of my life, do what i want, when and where i wanted, and as usual, i *craved* that attention.
As usual, i was the only girl there.  Lots of people hang out in front of the Lido, and sometimes i feel scared to go in there.  But Thursday night, there were only a few of them hanging around, so i took my chances.  As soon as i began walking up the stairs, men began to follow me.  Upon walking into the theater, the door didn't close behind me for what seemed like 5 minutes.  People just kept coming in. 
i went to my usual spot, and within seconds, a guy was already feeling my tits.  People feed off of other people, i think because as soon as one guy began touching me, and i let him, others started joining in.  One black man began talking to me...and the *talking* seems to turn me on...because i'm not just like a piece of meat at that point...someone is truly interested in me and doesn't mind that i'm attractive AND i have a brain.  i was drawn to him.  He was a well-built black man, and i had seen him there before.  He stood there watching me...telling me how pretty i am...and trying to get information about me.  After a few minutes, he left while the other guys remained and played.
About 10 minutes later, he came back in.  i saw him and i asked him if he had come to rescue me.  He responded with yes, and asked if we could get a room.  Now, i hadn't planned on screwing around that night...mainly because of Jim...but as i get turned on, my resistance drops to almost nothing...so yeah, i followed him.  About 20 guys followed *me* and tried to come into the room with us.  i only selected the friends of the one guy that was talking to me in the theater, and i left the rest of the men outside of our room.
We immediately began to fuck...each cock was different.  One was uncircumcised.  One was big, and one was surprisingly small.  The one guy asked me if there was anyone else in the theater that i would like to invite to 'our party.'  i couldn't think of anyone in particular, but i told him that i would like to be fucked by a white guy.  i'm not prejudice by any means, and the black men who hang out at the Lido tend to be 'protectors' and generally decent people... but that particular night, i wanted fucked by a white guy.  Well, he set off to find a white guy who would be interested in a willing girl who needed to be fucked...hard.  It didn't take long for him to come back with a very attractive white guy.  He was probably in his 30s or so...and his cock was larger than any of the black guys' cocks...which kind of surprised me.  Damn, could he fuck.  Just by being with him, i knew that he was *dominant* in nature, and that was a huge turn on for a natural submissive.  He was a very good fuck.  He kept changing positions and kept doing different things on me which kept my interest. i was moaning a lot and i knew the guys outside of the door were listening and probably getting turned on, so that made me moan a little harder and a little louder. After about 20 minutes, he came in his condom and we talked a little about the lifestyle.  Without even thinking, i told him about collar me and gave him my screen name here.  We agreed that we might get together to go to Fourth Friday since he hadn't been there before. 
After him, the original black guy wanted me to himself.  We talked while we fucked and found out that we had similar interests and a few things in common.  He told me that he wanted me to be *his* and i explained to him that i'm already *owned* by someone.  i went on to tell him that we had just recently met, but that our connection was amazing, and i knew that CapnJim was the one i wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  This guy got mad about it and raised his voice at me wanting to know why we hadn't met weeks prior to me and CapnJim getting together.  The look in his eyes changed and became really harsh.  As he was fucking me, he kept telling me that i was going to be his.  i laughed at him and told him that it wasn't even a possibility.  No way was i leaving the guy who has shown me the best times over the last month or so.  This black guy had to be crazy!  Over and over he kept saying that i was going to be his...that it was supposed to be that way...that he was going to have me...and things like that.  I got really scared by the look in his eyes, and i was afraid i wouldn't be able to get out of the room.  But, i told him i was going outside to smoke, and i left shortly after that.  i was so thankful to get out of the room.
As i walked outside, i remembered that i had told the white guy about collarme and my screen name here.  The black guy was in the room when i told him that, and i was afraid he was going to start shit between CapnJim.  So as i got into my car that night, i immediately accessed the website from my phone and i hid my profile.
The Lido (or my experiences there) is like a drug.  i feed off of the attention that i receive there.  Usually, i'm the only girl there...and when i'm not, i'm often one of the prettier ones that attend.  So i'm mostly always the center of attention.  It's a high for me.  It's just like doing drugs.  It's fun while it's happening and i get an internal high that's really hard to explain.
But, when it's over, i crash.  Just like coming off of an energy drink or coming down off of a high.  It's fun while it's happening, but when it's over, nothing has changed.  i still feel alone and incredibly lonely.  i still *crave* sex (usually the orgasms since i don't get them there).  And last Thursday, i felt guilty.  i felt like a piece of trash and a complete slut.  In addition, i never took into account that i would be hurting CapnJim immensely if he were to find out about this.  That part was an easy fix.  i decided NOT to tell him for the time being.  If i was EVER going to tell him, it would be after he was physically *here* and not in Hawaii.  But in the end...after the *high* is over with, Jim is still gone and i'm still alone.  i miss him so much...yes, i miss the *AMAZING* sex we have...but i also miss the way he looks into my eyes when we talk.  i miss the tingle in my skin when he touches me.  i miss the thought provoking conversations that we used to have in person as we were getting to know one another.  i especially miss the way he comes up behind me, wraps his arms tightly around me, and kisses me on my neck or shoulder.  i miss the way i can lean up against him and feel especially secure.  i miss the way he holds me in bed after an amazing orgasm.  i miss his thoughts because unlike me, he's much better at speaking them than he is at writing them.  i on the other hand, can write all day (as you can probably tell from my journal entries) about my feelings because it's easier to reveal who i am on paper rather than in person.

Anyway, the very next day, i received a text from Jim telling me that he *couldn't* sleep the night before.  He said that he tossed and turned all night and that his thoughts were constantly on me.  He asked if there was anything i needed to tell him about.  i played it off like nothing happened, while 100 million thoughts ran through my head.  How could he possibly *feel* that something was wrong while he's 3500+ miles away??  While it completely intrigued me, it didn't make any sense, and i certainly refused to believe that we had a connection strong enough for him to *feel* that something was wrong the night before.
He asked me why my profile was hidden on collarme...and without telling him the complete truth as to where i met the black guy...or the fact that we fucked...i told him about the circumstances and that this guy might try and start some shit with me or Jim in an effort to start his quest on making me his girl...so i hid my profile.
Afterwards, the guilt kept eating at me.  i had several discussions with a few of my friends whether having an affair means that you're no longer in love with your partner.  The conversations got intense and pretty heated at times.  My take on the whole thing was that it depends upon the circumstances.  The events that had happened with me on Thursday were purely sexual and not emotional, and therefore, it was possible to still be completely in love with Jim.  Other people argued that with me, but i am pretty good at standing my ground when it comes to something that i believe in.  i told Jim about these conversations, and we began talking about my *need* for attention...and *why* i like the Lido so much.  Jim understands that i *thrive* on attention and he seems to understand my *need* for it.  i think that's why i enjoy going to the Lido...because whenever i go there, i can have sex if i want it. i go there with the intention of getting laid sometimes, and of course, i never leave without it...unless it's my own doing.
It was after one of these conversations with Jim that he decided to *release* me on a temporary basis...only while he's gone...to fulfill this desire...this need that i have.  But he stressed that i was to be safe and that he wanted to know about it.
And the guilt grew...
and grew...
and grew...
Until finally, i told Jim that i needed to *come clean* about something i had been hiding from him.  i didn't get to see the look on his face when I told him, because we spoke over the phone, but the tone of his voice changed, and it was apparent that i had majorly disappointed him...which is probably the worst fear in the world for me right now.  My second biggest fear was that he was going to leave me, and i wasn't completely convinced until late that night that we would be okay.  But all day, the only thing i could think about were those two things:  That i had been a major disappointment to him and that he was going to leave me because of this.

It's really weird; because once i found out we were going to be okay, the entire dynamic of our relationship changed.  The day before, i had felt so *disconnected* from him. 

The next day, as we talked more, i began to *let go.* That’s really the only way to describe it.  It was like i completely handed my life to him for him to take control over.  i wanted him to steer me in the right direction, to teach me how to believe in *us*, and to show me how to build our connection.  i wanted to learn more on why he sees me as a *slave* rather than a submissive (and i have been told by several others that I’m *slave material.*  i somehow fit that mold, it seems, but i don't understand *how* or *why* at all!!

I’m not sure what day i told him about this, but i have come to realize that as my first step of letting go was started, the rest of things just fell into place.  Today, as i am approaching a third of the wait time until he returns (61 days or 1484 hours), i find myself spending every waking moment with my thoughts on him...willing him to return home sooner.  i can't wait until those few hours that we have where the time difference allows us a few hours of overlap time when we can talk.  i long for his emails...especially when he let's go and tells me his feelings.  i long for that first text in his morning (which is usually my afternoon).  i want him...and i promise him in front of everyone else in the collarme community, that i *won't* fuck this up.  i'm not quite sure where we stand right now.  The last thing was him releasing me...so to speak...but that was before i came clean and owned up to my mistakes and screwups.  So i'm not sure if today, 2 August 2012, i'm owned and collared or if "it's complicated."  i long for him to make me his girl again.  i don't want the release.  i want him, but mostly, i want for him to ask me to be *his girl* again or....(even better)...for him to simply *tell* me that i'm his...his property...his girl...his slut...or whatever.  i just need to be *claimed* by him...

Do we believe in "love at first site?"  Do we believe in "destiny?"  "soul mates?"  Is there someone for everyone...regardless of what kind of idiosyncrasies we all have?

 i am a skeptic.  No, i don't believe in any of that stuff...or at least...i haven't ever believed it in the past.  i once met a guy and knew he was going to be the man that i married.  Five years later, i caught him in bed (literally) with another woman.  The relationship ended, and i spent the next four years wandering around in and out of this lifestyle wondering how i could ever trust my own judgment again.

  Most of you have known me through these trials and errors i've had over the last four years.  i've been in the lifestyle; i've dropped out of the lifestyle.  i've tried dating, but nothing has panned out.  For those of you who don't know me, most of these disasters have been posted throughout my journal entries.

  So i wonder....is it possible for me to deserve the kind of man i have been searching for all of this time?  Do i deserve a man who respects me, treats me with kindness, puts my needs before his, was raised as a gentleman, and makes me feel like i'm number one in his life?  Surely not...right?  That's why i've been dealt these crappy hands of having men use me, abuse me, humiliate me, and treat me like some kind of whore.  This is probably the real reason for having my "meltdowns."  It isn't because i need sex...it's the emotional connection i need.  i want to feel a man's desire, want, and need for me.  It's kinda like a drug...when i have my meltdowns, i get what i want. But once that initial high wears down, i pretty much crash again and end up feeling much worse than when i started.  Sure, i feel desired...but it isn't anything substantial...it's a quick fuck that has absolutely no meaning beyond that particular moment.

  Everyone tells me, "He will come when you least expect it."  "He will find you when you stop looking for him."  Yes, i hear all of those phrases that people tell others who are single.  Guess what?  For four years, nothing has happened that didn't somehow end up fucked up.   i don't know how it happens; it just does.  Somehow i attract the losers, the men old enough to date my grandmother if she were still alive, or those that are delusional in this lifestyle thinking they can become "dominant" overnight or he can legally adopt me as his daughter.  It's been an interesting time, to say the least...but the end result is always the same.  The void is still there, and i end up being alone.

  So when i recently received an email from a guy wanting to accompany to me to Fourth Friday this month, i kinda pushed him aside thinking he was just like all the other losers.  Even more so when i found out he was visiting here from Hawaii.  But, he was really hot and his emails sorta pulled me towards him, so i agreed to meet him.  Of course, the whole time i'm thinking that this is just a date for Fourth Friday and nothing beyond that.

  We ended up not going to Fourth Friday.  Instead, we met at my local bar...the one where i'm comfortable enough and where i knew i would be safe if he ended up being some kinda psycho.  As soon as i laid eyes on him, i thought, "Wow...this guy doesn't fall under the typical 'loser' category."  i couldn't immediately rule him out as being a "forever" guy like i wanted to.  He just didn't fit the "loser" mold, so to speak...if there is such a thing.

  We began talking and the minutes turned into hours which eventually led to us pretty much closing the bar down.  We both had previous engagements the next two nights that we couldn't get out of, so we agreed to meet on Monday.  Ok, so this guy gets another date to convince me that he's not my "forever" type.  Surely...he will blow this tonight.

 Again, the minutes turned into hours and the hours tuned into early morning and we were both so exhausted that neither of us wanted to go home, but both knowing that we should.  This continued the next night as well. 

  On Thursday, i was having eye surgery to have some cataracts removed.  (Yes, i know...i'm very young to be having them, but i do.)  This guy offered to drive me to and from my surgery.  Like i was really going to let him see me at my worst?  Well, like a fool, i did. (Of course, this comes after the text that i receive that says, "if i can't see you at your worst, how can i accept you at your best" or some hallmark citing like that.)  Of course, my heart melted and i gave in. 

  So he arranges everything from mapping directions to getting the hotel that we can stay at so i wouldn't have to move much after my surgery.  He took me to my surgery, held my hand when they were prepping me, and was there for me as soon as i woke up in the recovery room.  He took me home, put me to bed, kept the refridgerater stocked with ginger ale,  made a make-shift heating pad for me, made sure i took my medications, and catered to anything i could have possibly needed.

 And yes...at some point we had sex.  This is where the bomb is going to drop, i'm certain.  We're compatible in all other ways, so surely we're going to completely fail in the sex area.  Nope...that didn't happen either.  i really love the sex with him.  i love how he quivers under my touch and how i melt under his.  i love the way he tells me to "relax..."  i love the way he pulls me towards him, the way his hand caresses my face, the way his fingers play with my hair.  i love the way he makes me feel when he licks me.  i love the way he teases me...and even how he enjoys pulling my finger away from my mouth when it automatically goes there because the feeling starts to get so intense...

 So where does it go wrong?  My friends at the bar are all telling me that this guy is going to go back toHawaii, and i'm going to be another notch on his bedpost so to speak. 

 Let me tell you...if he's playing a game, he is an incredible player because i'm not feeling it.  But then, they often say "love is blind."  The way he holds me, the way he looks deep into my eyes, the way he pulls me close to him, the way he smiles at me, the way he takes care of me, the way he hates the fact that I smoke (not because he's disgusted by it, but mostly because he cares about my health), the way he caresses my hair, the way he holds my face when he kisses me, the way he gets adament about seeing me again, the way he LISTENS to the things i say and remembers the things that i've written about in my journals...everything about him is amazing. 

 i've stepped completely out of my comfort zone with him, allowing him to ride in my car with me, and even come over to my apartment last night, knowing it was recently declared (or should have been) a disaster zone.  He overlooked all of that and came over last night to spend another night with me.

 As of yesterday, i hadn't been able to orgasm with him.  My ability to orgasm hasn't ever been easy, and it usually takes someone a long time to figure out what works and what doesn't.  We really haven't had that kind of time yet.  So last night, we're playing around and i grab one of my toys to try and get myself worked up.  He played right along with me, making me feel things i haven't felt before.  The more excited i got, the more he began whispering in my ears, telling me how much he wanted me to cum for HIM...how much HE wanted to see it, and to hear it...until he almost demanded it.  i don't know where it came from...and even now, i don't know if it was the feeling i had from my toy and his fingers or the sound of his voice that i heard, but something made me explode in one of the best orgasms i have ever had in my life.  If i thought it were possible to ever be able to cum to the sound of someone's voice, then it happened last night.  When it was done, my emotions got the best of me.  How could this guy be so amazing on so many different levels?  As i started to cry, he held me close to him telling me those words that i've longed to hear for so long.  "Good girl...what a good girl..."

Someone once told me, if it's too good to be true, then it probably is.  i still believe that he is going to go back to Hawaii in a few days and will forget about me.  i am going to become another girl to add to his list that he's played.  i'm going to become the subject of a not-so-funny joke about how i was willing to release my inhibitions for the guy that visited from Hawaii.

 However, i am completely hoping...that i am wrong...and that maybe...just maybe, this could be the start of my "happily ever after."

So...i was supposed to write and tell you about my vacation, but then i never did.  This month has really been crazy.  It has been a whirlwind for me.  And now, a month after my Amtrak trip, i really don't have much to say about it because it's old news now and so much more has happened.

i am moving next month.  i found a house that i am planning to move to next month.  It will be nice to get out of apartment living and be in a house that sits on a .25 acre of land.  It has a huge back yard, a nice deck, and potential for entertaining possibly.  i am really looking forward to moving there. 

i have more to say...and i will write more...in a few.

     i am really craving the lifestyle now, and i'm finding myself needing to be taken...to be had...to be submissive.  i plan to satisfy part of these cravings by attending Fourth Friday this week.  It won't do anything for my sexual craving, but it might for the lifestyle craving.

     This website really hasn't done much for me.  i've met some cool people off of here...and some not so cool.  Nothing has worked out.  One says that i'm not really submissive.  There was one who couldn't understand that my school and my job come first.  i apparently didn't have enough time for him.  One REALLY weirded out on me.  Another one's idea of a "ltr" was "a few months" long.  Another one wanted me to be his "daughter" who could eventually adopt me.  He treated me like a baby 24/7...taking it to the most extreme.  A little too much for me...

     Most of the men i have met on here have been cool play partners, but that's about it.

     So...let's review this again.  First of all, i am a smoker.  This should NOT be a surprise to you.  i am not going to quit just because we're seeing each other.  i don't usually smoke around non-smokers, but i may excuse myself to have a smoke.  i am respectful in that sense.

      i am looking for a long term relationship.  i want to be owned.  i want to be connected with someone through my mind, heart, body, and soul. 

      i am not interested in being a "cougar."  Besides that, it would be difficult to follow orders from someone who is young enough to be my son.

      Please know the difference between a slave and a submissive and understand that i am submissive.  Is it possible that someone could train me to be a slave?  i don't know.  i've looked into the possibilities...and i might be interested, but until it happens, i don't have an answer to that.

      Please do not degrade me.  i low self-esteem anyway that degradation really makes me feel even worse than i make myself feel.  i need a positive influence...someone who can build me up.

      Don't demand that i call you "Sir" right away.  That's something that you have to earn yourself.  Once i respect you, i have no problem calling you "Sir," but for now, there is only ONE person who has earned my respect enough for me to call him "Sir," and we haven't even done anything sexually. Respect doesn't come from good sex...it's about how you conduct yourself, your attitudes towards others and your actions.  The most respected person is the one who inspires others to achieve their best and enables them to unlock their highest potential. 

     Please don't contact me if my latest journal entry doesn't make sense to you.  If you can't understand me through my own writings, then there's no sense in meeting.  If you think you do, then like i said, i'll be at Fourth Friday this week.

      Take care and good luck with your search.

So sometimes i wonder....what if??

What would happen if i posted something on my journal about me being in a certain room number at a certain hotel / motel, on a certain night?  If i said i was going to leave the door open, blindfold myself, and fall asleep on the bed?

This has been my most recent fantasy.  What if??

What if i were to do something like that?  Do you think i would have any takers?  Would it be one or two every couple of hours?  Or would a group of people decide to come in and take advantage of that girl lying blindfolded on the bed?  Would someone staying in the hotel / motel happen to notice me through the open curtains and decide to come in and fuck me?  How would you wake up a woman like that?  What would you do?

This is something i've thought about...fantasized about.  Just posting something on my collarme journal inviting you...anyone...to join in giving this girl what she needs most.

damn...i really CAN be a slut sometimes!! 

P.S.:  i wrote two journal entries today.  This one is my second.

Thank you for all of the encouraging emails.  i never realized i had so many people reading my journals.

So...the search continues...

Nothing new has been happening.  i had another sexual meltdown this weekend.  Sometimes i need a little "pick-me-up."  Some girls go to the spa...i go slutty.

Somehow on Friday, i ended up at the Lido.  i hadn't been with anyone for months, and the voracious appetite for sexual satisfaction kept intensifying.  The kind of sexual satisfaction that you just can't get by yourself.  i wanted to feel wanted...desired...the center of attention.  It started out by just going to the store for some nipple clamps.  That was really my only intention.  But once there, as i was going to my car to leave, that insatiable thirst began to overwhelm me.  $11.00?  Was it worth it or not?  Well, i decided it was.

So...there i am in the adult theater upstairs watching this hot woman deep throat this black guy on the big screen while another one began fucking her from behind.  i must admit, that added fuel to my fire. 

Usually, it only takes about 3-5 minutes for people to notice me standing in the back of the theater.  Something tells me that it isn't very often that a single, somewhat attractive woman goes to the theater upstairs.  This time, it took about 15 minutes for someone to decide to start something with me.  Funny, it only takes one...that first person...brave enough to start touching someone...  After that first person, more hands join in the fun.  Before too long, i had four guys trying to fuck me in the theater.

Someone offered a room, and i accepted.  One by one, they each had their way with me.  i was free-spirited that day, open-minded, and pretty much a complete slut.  i didn't care...i just needed fucked...and i needed fucked hard.  So as long as it was safe, i was fine.  It turned out that two of the guys were Doms in the local community...so that made the play a little more interesting once they found out i am submissive.

Eventually, 9:00 came and it was time for couples to come in, so we were told to go downstairs to the other theater...the one that normally shows gay porn...but switches to regular porn on couples night.

So the two Doms took me to the back of the theater.  It only took about 5 minutes before everyone in the theater noticed us fucking and turned their attention away from the big screen, and onto us.  i must admit...it was a huge turn on to me to hear these guys in the theater talk to us while this was happening...about how hot i am...how lucky these guys were...to fuck me harder...to spank my ass...to have their way with me...what a good girl i was...etc., etc.

Yes...as bad as i was...as much as a slut i was...it was certainly worth the $11.00 that day.  i got exactly what i needed...well, almost.  i got fucked...i got to be the center of attention...and i got to feel wanted and desired...but i didn't get that huge orgasm that comes from a good tongue, nor did i get to squirt...which comes from a good, hard fingering.

But i got fucked...and it was good. 

i haven't written for a couple of weeks, and i know i have some followers that really enjoy reading my journal.  Thank you for that...especially when you email me to let me know that you've read and enjoyed my writings.//

Let me tell you a little more about me.  i think i am one of the nicest people you will ever meet.  i have a great personality.  i love to have fun, i love to smile, i love to make people laugh, i love to sit and talk with someone who needs a friend, i love having sex, i love pleasing my partner, i love giving head, i love it when someone is proud of me, i love accomplishing something, i love to drop into submissive mode, i love to do different things.  i am generally happy, although i do have really low self-esteem most of the time.  Sometimes i feel confident...it just depends on the setting and circumstances.//

It seems that some people have different views of me.  Because of my military training, i have very high integrity, honesty, loyalty, and work ethic.  i am very trustworthy.  i am very happy to be an American, and i love my country and everything it stands for.//

My biggest problem is time.  Because i work such crazy hours, sometimes i don't feel like leaving my house.  i have severe back issues, and there are some days i cannot get out of bed.  i lack the motivation to go out and do things, but once i'm out doing things, i usually have a great time.  i have lost friends because i haven't given them enough attention.  i have lost partners because my schedule is so out of whack. //

 The holidays suck for me.  I've had several breakups over the holidays, including my failed marriage.  i was raped during the holidays.  i had my heart broken several times over the holidays.  i lost a child during the holidays one year.  i lost the love of my life over the holidays because he couldn't take our relationship to the next level (meaning marriage or even living together).   i had a huge arguement with my best friend of seven years which resulted in our friendship ending.  i am usually alone during the holidays because my kids are usually with their father or they are spending time with their friends.  i don't have any family in Texas, so i don't really do the whole turkey cooking and gatherings that i used to do.  i don't get Christmas presents...not that it's a big deal, because it really isn't, but sometimes i just wished someone cared enough to send me something.  i hurt my back over the holidays.  i was assaulted during the holidays.    The holidays just suck for me.  i end up "shutting down" over the holidays.  i don't talk to anyone, i make myself feel worse by watching Lifetime or Hallmark channel holiday movies...usually involving some sort of romance.  i withdraw from everyone.  i withdrew from this site even.  i'm not a very good friend during the holidays.  Holidays suck.  i am sorry that i still let the holidays get me down.  i know that the way to rid yourself of bad memories is to have good memories at the same place.  Well, that hasn't really happened for me yet.//

i cannot remember the last time someone recognized my birthday...other than going to the bar alone and getting a single shot of anything i want on my birthday.  i have never had a surprise party.  In fact, i don't even remember the last time i had a birthday party.//

i miss having a group of friends that i could go to the lake with...go camping, boating, water skiing (never done it), tubing (never done it), fishing, BBQing, and stuff like that.  i miss the days when everyone used to come over to my front yard to talk after the kids went to bed.  i had a firepit, and my neighbors would come in the evenings to just sit, drink, and talk.  Those days were so much fun, and i want to have that again.//

i still want to bungee jump.  (That was kinda random, huh?  lol.)//

i want to go to Disneyland.//

i want to start riding a bicycle long distance again.  i want to go out riding on the back of someone's motor cycle for hours at a time.  i want to go horseback riding.  i want to go to Sturgis and just have some crazy fun.  i REALLY want to go to hedonism.  i REALLY want to take a cruise.  i really want someone to do these things with.//

So...there you have it.  A little better insight to who i really am.  i am not a bad person, but i've made some bad decisions.  i don't regret any of them (except for one) because they have all made me into the person who i am today.  i am confident that someone GOOD will find me...

So...it's the 1st of December.  Today is the day that i would have been flying to San Diego to meet someone who i thought was a keeper.  Of course, he may have been, but apparently i wasn't to him.  That makes me sad...and it makes me miss him.  Oh well.

So...I have off the next 10 days...and no one could come up with something for me to do...except one person told me to take a vacation.  Sounds great...but where should i go?  what should i do?  who knows....

It looks like i will just take my usual boring weekend and see if i can make it fun somehow...and then back to work on Sunday.  Yippie.

Damn...i sound like Eeyore now!!   LoL

Oh...and for anyone who knows that i've been working on my paper for school, i finally finished it!  i will be turning it during class on Saturday.  Each week we have to bring in an article for current events regarding terrorism that's happening in the world.  So this week's article is on PFC Naser Jason Abdo.  Geeeze.....what a f--king dumb@ss

!!!  It sickens me to know that our military has people like him and Major Hasan in it.  i mostly regret getting out of the military...but when i read about stuff like these two idiots did, i'm glad that i did get out.  Could you imagine trying to lead someone or even work next to someone like either one of them??

Random thoughts for today:

1.  It seems the "wannabe dom" found me out, read my journal, and decided that i'm "not submissive enough" for him because he's learned SOOOOoooo much in the last day of reading.  Yeah....whatEVER.  Did he really think i would be heartbroken because he doesn't want to see me anymore?  Please.

2.  i finally agreed to meet a guy from work that i know.  He has been after me for a VERY long time, but because he works with the same company, i kept trying to talk him out of meeting me outside of work.  He is very persistant, so i finally gave up today.  It's probably not the best idea in the world....  My gut feeling tells me not to do it, but my overactive sex drive tells me to "go for it!!"

3.  Speaking of work, i got in trouble today for wearing a United States flag pin on the left side of my sweater.  Really?  It's less than a half inch big.  i'm not allowed to wear it because it isn't "company issued."  That really got me fired up today, but i bit my tongue and removed it.  Stupid people.

4.  Today marks the 3 year anniversary of being the victim of sexual assault.  The guy almost killed me.  He did a year in jail.   Only a year...wow.  i moved away when i was notified of his release and he hasn't found me, so i don't think he ever will.

5.  Oh, and i almost forgot....i think i've been eating WAYYYYYY too many green m&m's again!!

That's it for today...just a few random thoughts.

Let's get something straight.  I am not a 20-something sub.  I am not weak.  I am not using this site as a personal gain other than to find what I am looking for.   That is a deep personal connection with someone who understands what it means to be submissive and what it means to be dominant.  I'm not looking for anything less than that.  If this is some kind of a game to you, then move on.

i want a deep connection...one that words cannot describe.  i want a man who can compliment my submissive nature.  i want a connection that goes FAR BEYOND anything i've ever experienced and probably beyond anything most of you have ever experienced.  i want to wake up knowing that i'm protected, cared for, used for pleasure, desired, guided, loved, LIKED even, consumed, controlled, and missed when i am apart from someone.  No where did i say i want your financial support.  No where did i say i want you to do everything for me.  No where did i say i am in this for only sex.  No where did i say i want you to strip me of my own identity.  No where did i say i am some internet bimbo.

i want my vanilla world to meld into this lifestyle...i want this lifestyle to meld into my vanilla world.  i want a balance of both.  Is that wanting my cake and wanting to eat it too?  Maybe...but still, it's what i want.

i want to live every moment i have knowing that i have another half...one who i wouldn't dream of making decisions without.  i would never dream of screwing around on him or being anything less than faithful and loyal to him.  i want to make him happy. i want to grow with him.  i want to trust him with everything i have.  i want to make him proud.  i want him to want me like no one else.  i want him to control me.  i want him to discipline me when needed.  i want him to use positive reenforcement.  i want him to push my limits.  i want him to take me places i've only ever dreamed of going.  i want someone who knows me better than i know myself...he will know every desire, every want, every void, every need. 

I WILL NOT SETTLE!  It may take me a very long time to decide if you are someone i want to spend the rest of my life with (and there goes half of you running with that statement); but it won't take long to decide that you're not.  So if i have to go the rest of my life without him, then i will.  Yes, i'm picky...but i have every right to be.  Some of you have some great qualities that i've admired, but you've lacked in other areas.  Others have shown me good qualities in the beginning and then turned sour on me.  That's the beauty of taking my time...you can only play a game for so long before your true colors shine through.

For those of you who have written or plan to write and want to demand that I call you "sir": "Sir" means that I have a certain degree of respect for you. The title "sir" is earned. It is not just given out to any Joe Blow. If that were the case, then the meaning behind "sir" would be diminished. I don't know you; we have had a very limited conversation or none at all. You could be a child molester or a serial killer for all I know. It's unlikely that you are, but still...would you feel okay about any sub giving a child molester the same amount of respect that she is giving her owner? Any true Dom would never demand that a potential sub refer to him as "sir" until he knows in his mind that he has earned that level of respect from her. Quit using this site to feed this power trip that you're on. Become an officer in the military where the enlisted have to respect the rank, but not necessarily the person wearing the rank. People will then call you "sir," but then ask yourself if you're being called "sir" because people respect YOU? or just your rank?

This is all new to me.? There seems to be this common misconception that i am far more experienced than most.? That is not the case.? Surprise~~i have never been collared by anyone.? i have scened, and i have had partners, but i have never been owned.? So this whole thing is a big deal to me.? i have known couples who have the kind of emotional and physical connection that i crave.? i have seen submissives go into "subspace," but i, myself, have never been? taken there.

?i have this huge fear of rejection.? i don't like it.? It's easier to reject than to be rejected myself.? i was adopted, so i felt "rejected" the minute i found out about my adoption.? Growing up, i was the middle child.? My oldest was every parent's "perfect child."? The youngest was very sick from the time she was born.? Not only that, but she was my adoptive parent's only birth child.? (My oldest sister was also adopted.)? So, between the "perfect child" and the "real child," there wasn't a whole lot of room for me to get any attention.? So i became the "black sheep;"? i was the one that was ALWAYS in trouble...either in school, in church, or at home.? As i entered high school, i was very withdrawn and not really part of any cliques.? i didn't have any real dates, and when i tried, i was always rejected.?My military life was kind of the same way.? i was rejected when i applied for special duty assignments.? i had been rejected for promotions and awards.? In my adult life, any man who i ever truly loved, ended up rejecting me.
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i usually expect rejection, but every once in awhile, i will meet someone, and everything seems to "fit."? i see that this person has most of the qualities that i desire, and he hasn't rejected?me so far.? So the walls which i have built around me for protection start to break down, and i start to let out my emotions.
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It's usually about this time that he gets bored with me and starts bonding with another girl or he just simply decides to reject me for whatever reason and he walks away.? ?The most common reason given is because he misses the feeling of a woman?having an orgasm while he is inside.? (i do not know how to?orgasm with?penetration.? Is it really too hard to ask someone to stick around long enough to TEACH me how??? ?It must be because rather than teach me, they always run somewhere else for it.)? Sometimes that isn't?the reason and other?reasons are given, and still other times, there isn't any reason given at all.? So to avoid that rejection, I usually?go into the "flight or fight response" defense mechanism.? i find myself either trying to push someone away, or i give them "outs" (so to speak).? i find 101 different reasons why they shouldn't be with me.? After all, i don't feel that i deserve the kind of relationship that i want...for whatever reason.? If they decide to take the "out" (my "fight" mode) then to me it's okay for a couple reasons:? 1) it's not considered rejection if they take it because i GAVE them that option,? 2)? it avoids a further emotional attachment which can cause more hurt later on, and? 3) it confirms the self-belief that i am not worthy of a healthy, strong, and long-term commitment.? On the other hand, if they choose not to take the "out" for whatever reason, then i start the "flight" mode.? That's when i start backing away myself.? i withdraw, i disconnect, and i go back to living in my sheltered world.? Either way, i am in control of the situation.??i lose all sense of self-control (not to mention self-esteem and self-worth) when i am rejected by someone else.
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i try living in the vanilla world, but i always?end up missing the lifestyle and craving that connection that i'm looking for.? So i decide to put myself back out there, and the cycle starts all over again.?
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Something happened this weekend that brought all of these emotions of mine to the surface.? Rather than go into a "sub-frenzy" again, i decided just to write about what i'm feeling right now.?

i want to be wanted.? i want to be desired.? i want people to see that i'm really a good girl with all of the right intentions and that if given the chance, i would really be a great submissive to the right man.? But instead, i put up these walls and put these defense mechanisms into place, and i don't allow things to just happen naturally.? This is something that i need to work on...

i have beaten...physically and more recently, emotionally. I have seen really great people turn ugly overnight. That's what happened with the last guy i was with. He was everything i looked for in the beginning, and i began to develop very strong feelings for him in the beginning. Then, without warning, everything about him changed. Luckily, i was able to see this right away. But, sometimes "love is blind." So one night, when he wanted me to come to his hotel after treating me like shit over the phone, i agreed. i thought i knew what i was getting myself into...but honestly? i don''t think anything could have prepared me for that night. i have NEVER been humiliated as much as i was that night. i was made to feel completely worthless. i was humiliated and degraded. Now, for someone who has already had low self-esteem and lack of confidence her entire life, that night almost ruined me. i think what really hurt was this guy knew that about me. i think that was his intention...to strip me of any dignity i had left about myself. i went home early from work the next day because i couldn't focus on my job. i posted something in my journal about the need for humilation. i said i understood the need; but really, i didn't. The folllwing weekend. i had a sexual meltdown...a "sub frenzy" as one girl put it. i just went crazy. i figured my ONLY chance of happiness had passed me by. I thought my destiny was to become an old maid with 101 cats that the neighborhood children were afraid of. (Me; not the cats...lol.) When i was seriously close to hitting rock bottom, i found him; or perhaps he found me. (i am not sure who found who to be honest.) He has spent countless hours trying to build me up. He is positive and upbeat with me. He is taking the time to try and correct all the emotional pain that other people have put on me. He doesn't care that i am broken or that i have baggage. He has never used one harsh word towards me. instead he uses positive influence on me. He is healing me from the inside out. He has raised my standards about who i deserve to have; i no longer feel like i only deserve the man who treats me like shit. He has made me become a better person. He has helped me to understand that i have value and worth. He has helped me remember that i am a good person and that any man would be lucky to have me. He doesn't beat me down. He is not jealous, but rather, he is secure with himself and he knows that he has captured my mind. He realizes the connection which we share and he has high hopes that one day he will have me as his girl. If more people could have this D/s dynamic that we are building together, then the world within this lifestyle would be a much better place. i am very happy where i am, and i have every desire to please this person. And to the ass who thought he could chew me up and spit me out, i have one word for you: KARMA. Good things have come my way because i am a good person. i don't feel sorry for you in whatever your future holds. You will get what you deserve.

i received an email shortly after posting my last journal entry.  It is from a girl, my age, submissive like me, who has been in a similar situation.  i don't typically talk to women.  i seem to have more in common with men than i do women...and i often find women to be catty and vindictive.  But every once in awhile...i'll receive an email from another girl...and it's nice to see my journal entries are being read by both men and women.

i especially liked this girl and what she wrote:

i do not know you or anything about you but i just read your journal entry and i must say that i am pleased to see somebody was able to capture you back to a sense of your own reality. thank god for some of the wonderful people out there willing to lend a compassionate ear and word of strength to the submissive women that find themselves in sub frenzy so to speak, from time to time. be strong girl, i am proud of you. :)

It was just nice...and I wanted to share it.  It tugged at my heart.  Besides, I now love her term "sub frenzy"...lol.  It's really nice to know that other girls go through some of the same experiences as me. 

 Thank you for writing to me girl.

i spent about 6 hours on the phone yesterday...talking to someone...who reminded me exactly why i am on this site...and what exactly i am looking for.

 Several of you received emails stating that "i'm no longer interested."  If that's the case, accept it, and move on.  Don't expect any more of an explanation other than what was given, and don't think that you'll change my mind.  i have made the decision that i am NOT going to settle.  If that means being alone for the rest of my life, than so be it.  i guess i'll be alone the rest of my life.

 You see...i understand what love is.  i've been there.  i understand what the D/s lifestyle means.  i've been there as well.  i've been mentally connected to someone.  i've been completely in love with someone.  And now, at 44...i want both.

 i had a complete sexual breakdown a couple weeks ago.  Those of you who were involved know exactly what i am speaking of.  For those of you who don't know...let's just say i went through a complete cycle of very many different emotions...all of which pushed my mental state into a downward spiral.

 After 6 hours on the phone yesterday...i was slowly brought back up to the surface and able to gasp some much needed air.  i was able to regain a sense of reality and able to put my life back into some sort of perspective.

 For the person who helped me to do that, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

 i am not sure what it means, or why i'm even writing in my journal today.  i guess i just wanted to throw some random thoughts out there.

i know what i want, and while it's very difficult to put into words, i will know when i find it.  i don't want anything other than the real deal.  i don't want games.  i don't want random encounters.  i don't want short flings.  Okay...so on occassion, i regress and i find myself having sexual meltdowns.  Hey, i AM a real person.  It happens sometimes.  It may happen again.  But for now...I'm back on track.

really? what woman doesn't fantasize about being kidnapped?? So i am at the airport today walking on the sidewalk right next to the road. There are several gates between the one i am at and the one i am going to. Damn...it would be SOooo easy!! There are numerous SUVs that drive by. How easy would it be to stop where I'm walking, the passenger jumps out, grabs me, and pushes me into the backseat, face down. He immediately puts a blindfold over my eyes, zip ties my wrists together, and places his hand over my mouth. i wouldn't have time to scream, nor would i be able to resist...it all happened so fast. Or maybe when i am getting ready to leave...i am walking to my car in the garage?and this van parks next to me. The side door is opened and a stranger forces me into the van. Who would see me?? And would anyone say anything? That's the problem with today's society. No one wants to get involved. They don't want to be detained because they have a plane to catch or a loved one to pick up. Have you ever seen Primetime's "What would you do"?? The end results always amaze me. No one would care. i struggle to free myself, but it's impossible to break free from zip ties. These two strangers are talking, and i don't recognize either one of their voices. All of a sudden, i feel these strong hands ripping open my blouse. And it figures this would take place on a day that i didn't wear a bra. So my tits are completely exposed. His cold hands cup them and start teasing my nipples. i find myself getting aroused even though i am terrified over what is happening to me. A blanket is thrown over me and his hand is underneath covering my mouth as they stop to pay the toll.??When they speed away, the blanket is removed and once again, i feel myself being exposed. My skirt is then lifted above my ass. i can feel and hear the rip of my panties. my pussy feels a cool breeze, and i can feel the wetness between my thighs. How can i be so turned on while all of this is happening???? Damn...what a rush!!! i am feeling so guilty because of my excitement and my arousal...but yet i am still scared to death! Those two feelings together are really intense! The guy in the backseat tells the driver how much my pussy is dripping and they both laugh at me. They start teasing me about my excitement and arousal. Without any warning, i feel hot breath on my pussy. It blows onto my juices and it turns cold and reminds me of my exposal. An 18-wheeler drives by and honks several times. Shit!! Can he see me??? i have NO idea, but it excites me even more!! We have been driving for some time now. i have no clue about where we are, or where we're going. The guys aren't talking; we drive in silence. My tits and my pussy are cold. A shiver goes down my spine. I'm not sure if it's from fear, excitement, or the cool air. The silence bothers me and i find myself wanting someone to touch me. The last thing i felt was the hot breath on my wet pussy. i have lost all sense of time and direction. I am dazed and confused. We finally stop and i can feel the strong guy lift me out of the car. He has one hand over my mouth and the other on the small of my back pushing me, forcing me to walk. i can feel my pussy juices running down my leg. It is really flowing now. i can barely walk, but his strength half carries me, half drags me over the stoney ground. i wonder where the hell i am; what's going to happen next.? i hear a knock on a door; obviously a secret knock. The door creaks as it is opened. i'm led into a cold, dark room with a hard floor. Someone strips the rest of my clothes off. i am completely naked. I am led into a bathroom, forced to sit down on a toilet and told to pee. My bladder is about to burst, but i cannot pee because I don't know if I am being watched. Ever since I was in the military, I have had a problem peeing in front of somebody. After several minutes, I can feel the hot pee escape my bladder. Several more minutes pass while I drip dry. Finally, I feel strong hands lift me to my feet and walk me into another room. Someone finally breaks the endless silence by saying that I am even sexier than they thought I would be. So this wasn't a random kidnapping; it was planned. The guy forces my face into a mattress. It smells musty...almost dirty. While I am busy trying to piece the pieces together, a hand swats my bare ass. The sharp sting forces me back to the present time. Another cool hand starts rubbing the pain away. I am then led to some sort of cross. Someone cuts the ties on my wrists and reties them with soft rope to each end of the cross. Someone else ties my amkles to each end of the bottom. I am spread eagle while standing. I hear movement all around me. One man is obviously in charge and he says, "Okay boys... she is all yours! Remember the rules and have at her!" Before I can guess what the rules are, I feel hands moving in on me. There are several...each one touching me in a different spot, in a different way. I cannot even guess how many. Pairs of hands are touching me. Neither my pussy nor my nipples are touched, and they begin aching with desire. My captors are killing me with their touches. Every so often a smack on the ass frightens me. I have absolutely no control in this situation. Again, I have no sense of time. Someone cups my left tit and squeezes it. He begins wrapping it snug...with an ace wrap? A pair of pantyhose? It is wrapped around my tit, up over my shoulder, crossing my back, and around the front. It wraps my right tit, up over my shoulder, crossing my back again and back to the front. He continues this figure eight style until he runs out of wrap. He grabs another one and begins wrapping both of my tits together.? All of the touches stop and?i'm left alone for several minutes.? i?can feel the blood rushing to my nipples and?i imagine they are getting huge and maybe even a little purple. It is driving me crazy because?i want to suck on my thumb like a baby and I can't.? i?suddenly feel this strange sensation across both of my nipples.?i don't know what it is...a feather maybe? Back and forth across both nipples. OMG it feels so remarkable until suddenly someone pinches both of my nipples at the same time before resuming the soft strokes. i begin to feel the same sensatuon between my inner thighs. The two sensations feel so damn incredible until?i feel that same swat across my bare ass. I can feel hot breath next to my ear. "Little girl...you are all of ours today, but I am your daddy for the rest of the day and you are only to refer to me as 'Daddy'...do you understand me baby girl?" I reply with a barely audible, "Yes Daddy." "Good girl" was his only response. I waited to see if he knew me well enough to know that my favorite word in any kind of unknown situation is "relax," but he didn't speak it. I wonder if he even knows me at all, but I don't recognize his voice by the few words he spoke.? (Real time:? okay, so I was typing this in the garage at the airport from my cell phone, waiting...even hoping for someone to kidnap me.? It was getting hot and I was getting turned on and I wanted to get to a real computer so I could finish up in less time than it would take from my cell phone.)? He unties me from the cross and pushes me towards the mattress.? As my knees hit the side of the mattress, "Daddy" says, "Turn around and drop to your knees little girl.? Put your hands behind your back and don't do anything stupid.?? Do you understand?"? Again, the barely audible, "Yes Daddy" escapes my mouth as i do as i'm told.? A cock is brought to my lips and i open...wanting to taste.? He only allows me to play with his head.? He won't let me take it all.? He teases my mouth for several minutes.? Every so often, one of the guys will laugh at me as i try so hard to taste all of him.? He then puts me on the mattress and all at once each wrist is taken as well as each ankle, and I'm tied spread eagle again to something...although i'm not sure what.? Someone reties the blindfold over my eyes a little tighter because it was beginning to loosen.? Once again, I hear that voice next to my ear.? "Relax little girl...we are going to take you...all of you and you are NOT to cum unless I tell you to."? Shit...he said "relax" and i begin to feel my juices flow again.? i'm supposed to be scared out of my mind...not turned on as much as i am!!? I begin to feel cocks touching me...slapping my tits, teasing my mouth, rubbing on my inner thighs.? Like the hands, i have no concept of how many cocks are touching me.?? Apparently i'm not allowed to take anyone further than the head of his cock.? They come in different sizes and different shapes, but i'm unable to differentiate them to even figure out how many are teasing me.? Someone cuts the wraps from my tits...as they were beginning to go numb.? As i began to regain feeling in my tits, there was a knock on the door.? It wasn't the secret knock and i heard "Daddy" yell, "Who is it??"? A younger man replied, "Pizza!!"? Daddy opened the door and the young man said, "Holy shit!!? Looks like a fun party!!"? He couldn't have been more than 25 or so.? "Daddy" told him, "you may taste her titties if you would like."? The guy put the pizza down as he said, "Seriously??? Man, would I!!"? I felt his tongue go across my nipples as the feeling had just come back and they were extremely sensitive.? I shook and the kid laughed and said, "Wow...look at the affect I am having on her!!!? Can I continue?"? "Daddy" told him that he was only allowed to play with my tits.? He flittered his tongue across them, making them hard and erect.? "Daddy" let him do it for about 2 minutes...driving me absolutely wild with desire.? Then he paid him and sent him on his way.? The room filled with the smell of pizza and i begin to realize how hungry i was getting.? They guys were having a blast...eating pizza...touching me with their free hand.? Someone dropped melted cheese on my inner thigh.? It didn't burn, but the warmth so close to my pussy made it tingle.? Someone began feeding me a piece of crust.? Damn...was that all i could have?? Crust?? The aroma smelled so good and all i was given was a piece of crust.? "Daddy" asked if i was hungry and when i replied, "Yes Daddy" he told the boys to hurry up.? It was obvious at this point that i wasn't getting any pizza.? Soon after, the guys began rubbing their cocks on me again.? "Daddy" reminded them that i was hungry.? Not knowing what to expect, i could hear the guys begin stroking their cocks.? Soon, someone exploded on my face...then another...and another.? Someone shot his load right on my mouth and i could taste his sweet cum.? i had cum in my hair and all over my face.? The guys really seemed to enjoy that.? i waited for someone to dry my face off, but it didn't happen.? The cum began to dry and the pores on my face began to tighten.? "Daddy" came over to my ear and reminded me, "...all of you..."? He then began stroking my pussy.? OMG...i thought i was going to cum with that first lick.? Someone else began teasing my nipples.? Someone else rubbed my inner thighs and stomach ever so lightly while "Daddy" continued to eat me.? When he moved out of the way, another man began eating my pussy.? His fingers were in me stroking me.? My nipples and inner thigh were still being played with.? I could feel my ass begin to lift off of the mattress.? "Daddy" untied my right hand and placed my thumb in my mouth.? He held it there allowing me to suck on it, but not allowing me to break free...his grip was tight.? Someone else came in between my thighs and began blowing on my soaked pussy.? Damnit....again, i was feeling guilty for enjoying myself...but at the same time, i wanted to feel more!!!? "Daddy took my thumb out of my mouth and told me not to move.? He untied me as someone grabbed each one of my wrists and each one of my ankles.? i was turned sideways on the mattress with my head hanging over the side.? "Daddy" approached me with his cock and said, "If you wanna suck like a baby little girl, then suck on this." and he put his cock in my mouth.? As i sucked on him, i could feel him getting harder, and i realized that he was getting harder to take.? He grabbed on my hair and began pulling me closer to him.? As my head dropped further over the side of the mattress, his cock began to thrust down my throat.? Each thrust was deeper and deeper until i almost gagged.? i could tell he was getting excited because he kept pulling on my hair and thrusting faster and deeper.? Someone was eating on my pussy and i wasn't sure how i could handle both.? i wanted to cum, but at the same time, i wanted "Daddy" to cum.? Someone took the feather, began teasing my skin with it...making it quiver with each touch.? Someone else grabbed my tits?and put the nipples as close together as he could.? He then began flittering each one with his tongue.? OMG...this was too much!!!? i began thrusting my ass in the air as "Daddy" thrusted his cock in my mouth.? i felt a finger penetrate my ass and my ass began to tighten around it.? That made my pussy even more sensitive and with my nipples being teased at the same time, i tried to scream out.? "Daddy's" cock was in my mouth, so i was only making weird sounds as i tried to scream "STOP" as loud as i could.? "Daddy" must have sensed my excitement and that turned him on.? He yelled at me to take him as deep as i could.? i could barely breathe as he shoved his huge cock down my throat.? Tears were welling in my eyes.? The feeling in my pussy rocked my mind!!? MY ass was lifted off the bed and the guy's tongue moved from my pussy to my ass,?penetrating it with his wet tongue.? Someone else began?fingering my pussy.? "Daddy's" breathing got really hard....?And then i felt it...hot, sweet cum...shooting down my throat...lubricating it.? i didn't think he was ever going to stop cumming!? It seeped out of the corners of my mouth as my mouth filled up with his cum.? He took his finger and wiped the cum up to the cheeks on my face.? He laughed at me and said, "Look at what a messy little girl we have here" and the rest of the guys laughed at me as well.?

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(Real time)? OMG...i finished this story today, but it didn't save the changes.? FUCK that makes me mad!!? And now this one seems to be all weirded out.? I have school right now, so I cannot finish this.? I will not be able to finish it until tomorrow.? I swear, I don't know what happened to my finished version.? I am really, really sorry!!? But if I don't hurry, I'm going to be late for school.)

So I disappeared for a month or so.  My eyes were on one man so I hid my profile and focused my attention on what I thought was going to be a longterm relationship.  Longterm lasted for about a month and then things didn't work out as I had hoped.

My profile is back on, but I will admit, I'm only half-heartedly into it this time around.  It's going to take a lot to get me interested in trying this again.

Bottom line:  I'm not into games. 

*If you're simply looking for a fuck buddy, then keep moving through the profiles.  We all know there are a bunch of people looking for that. I am not her. 

*If you're married, keep looking.  Again, I am not looking for or even interested in married men.

*If you're recently out of a long term relationship, please make sure you're over her first.  Don't waste my time only to find out a month into the relationship that you haven't come to terms with the fact that you guys are no longer together and that you're "not ready" to get back into the dating scene.  You shouldn't be on here in the first place.  I tried doing the same thing and all I did was hurt someone.  I'm here now simply because I'm ready to be found.

*Don't let me be your second best.  "Oh, the one I really loved got away, so this one will do."  Or "oh, I can't have the one I want, so I'll settle for her."  Sorry...I'm not willing to be someone's second best.  Been there; done that.  I want someone to want ME and eventually fall in love with ME. 

*Does the word l-o-v-e scare you?  Then keep looking.  I won't settle for anything less than that.

*Don't mistake my latest post for being bitter, because I'm not.  I'm simply "determined."  There is a HUGE difference between the two.

My vanilla world : i am submissive by nature (24/7), but i live in a vanilla world. So let me tell you some things about me. I am a romantic. This means that i love long walks and long conversations. I love PDA. I think couples should always hold hands when they're out together. (And i also like it when my man holds my wrist.) If I'm out to dinner with a guy for the first time, I believe that the table has an imaginary line between the two of us.  If I am out and my hand crosses that "line," then it means that I really like you and I want you to hold my hand, my wrist, or my arm.  This is one of my secrets that I just revealed to you.  ;)  My favorite place is the beach. I absolutely love the beach. I love walking through the sand, looking for seashells and sand dollars.  I love the smell of salt in the air, the way the sun feels, and swimming in the ocean.  Damn, I love and MISS the ocean!!  I also love amusement parks. Roller coasters excite me...the bigger; the better!! (Still talking about roller coasters here...lol.) i still want to go bungee jumping. Is anyone up for that???  What about sky diving? I want to go on the biggest and longest zipline in the world!  i am a thrill seeker! I enjoy most outdoor activities such as skiing, biking, boating, hiking, rapelling, fishing, rock climbing, volleyball, swimming, etc... I have read every one of Nicholas Sparks' books. (i told you i was a hopeless romantic!) my favorite movie is "the bridges of Madison county." i also love all the movies based on Nicholas sparks' books...like "message in a bottle." My favorite band is styx. i think they rock!! But i like a lot of today's music too...such as Adell, Colbie Colet, Alicia Keys, Foster the people, and the black eyed peas.  I love strolling thru flea markets and festivals. Every year i hit the balloon festival in September, the Mayfest, and the Irish festival. i have a passion for photography. i enjoy being on both sides of the lens. i enjoy spending the day with a friend taking random pictures of things. it is amazing how two people can see the same thing in different ways. it's fun to compare images after a day of picture taking!! i am a steak and potato kind of girl. take me to a good steakhouse and you're on your way to winning my heart. i also love seafood...but mostly shellfish: crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters (raw). my favorite part of a guy's body is his hands. i think hands tell a lot about a person! i am told that my best features are my legs and my eyes. i have this uncanny connection with military...active or veterans. there's something about military men! i don't like people referring to me as "babe" or any other pet names if they don't know me. That is such a turn off for me. if i am involved with a man, i love being called "baby girl." is there anything i didn't cover? just ask. ;-)

This is something that I wrote to a special friend of mine.  He said it would be okay for me to post it here.

 Last Friday night, I received an anonymous message asking me to go to an underground club which I once frequented, but hadn't been there for a few years. Not knowing what to expect, I decided that it might be fun to see what this was all about.  I entered the lobby and a friend I once knew is there.  She greets me with a hug and tells me that she's so happy I could come. She takes me into the front room and introduces me to a young guy...one I've never seen before. He takes me by the wrist and leads me downstairs to the basement...also known as the dungeon. He hands me a man's white button down shirt, a pair of white thigh high stockings, and black pumps. He tells me to put those items on with no bra and no panties. In the bathroom there are two pony tail holders and two pieces of red ribbon. I'm to put my hair into two braids and tie them with red bows at the bottoms. There is no one else in the entire place...just the three of us.  As I'm getting dressed, the other two begin searching for the perfect music for the occasion. They agree to play Enya in the background. I come out a little bit later and the guy takes me by the wrists again and brings me over to something in one of the rooms that resembles a pull-up bar. He blindfolds me and leads me over to it. He ties my wrists to the top corners and my feet to the bottom corners. My body makes the shape of an X, but unlike being on the St. Andrew's cross where I can only be viewed on one side, the pull-up bar allows my front and back to both be viewed. He takes a final look at me and decides something is still wrong. He comes up to me and tells me, "This won't do." He begins to unbutton the button down shirt. It is barely long enough to cover my ass, so without panties, I feel pretty exposed. He opens the shirt to where it just barely covers my breasts and I can feel my nipples getting hard as the cool air from the dungeon surrounds my breasts. I'm left there...just me and the Enya music. For maybe 10 minutes, I don't hear a sound. Then I begin to hear people enter the club and come downstairs. I don't recognize any of the voices, and it kind of bothers me. I feel exposed and scared. The fear seems to intensify as more people enter the dungeon. I can hear them murmuring among themselves. Those who know me are surprised to see me because I haven't been there in so long. Those who don't know me begin asking about me and wanting to know if I belong to anyone and if I'm available to "play." No one really knows the answers. It has been about 40 minutes or so and even though I'm blindfolded, I can tell that the lights are beginning to dim and the conversations are stopping. I feel as though all eyes are on me. Someone comes to me and begins touching me. I don't recognize the touch, and it scares me. I can hear the people gasp. They seem to know who he is and I can sense that they're VERY surprised. No one ever expected the two of us to scene together like this because no one even know that we had been talking. I still had no idea who was touching me... He starts playing with my breasts, caressing my body, and walks around the back side of me and out of the blue, he spanks my ass several times. I have no idea what is going on, and I am scared. I was very surprised by the initial spank on the ass, and although it stings a little, I can feel myself secretly wanting more. His fingers touch my inner thighs to the bare skin at the top of my thigh highs. He lightly touches there and goes towards my pussy, but he is very careful not to get too close. My skin quivers under this unfamiliar touch. He pinches one of my nipples hard and a moan suddenly escapes from my mouth. I can feel so many eyes on me and the crowd is whispering, but I have no idea what anyone is saying. His hands move to my backside, and I can suddenly feel his fingernails rake my back from the top of my shoulders just to the small of my back. He brings his arms around my back to my front, pulling me closer to him. I can feel his shirtless skin completely up against me. i can smell his Cologne. His body is very warm. But I still have no idea... The guy who brought me out and gave me my clothes to wear suddenly speaks. He asks me how I'm feeling. Am I scared? Do I realize that so many people are watching me? Do I recognize this man's touch? I'm too afraid to speak so all I can do is nod or shake my head at this point. I know that if I try to speak, my voice will quiver and people will know my fear. I'm trying to hide it as much as I can, but I'm really uncomfortable being exposed to so many people and having this strange man touch me like he's been doing it for years. He seems to know every button of mine. His hands are cupping my breasts, and although his body is warm, his hands are not. They feel very cold holding me like that. I love the feel of cold hands so I'm getting extremely turned on. The guy continues talking...asking questions about my emotions, what I'm thinking, who do I think this man is...anything to pique my curiosity...but I'm still unable to answer. Someone speaks out, "Damn she is hot." Someone else says,"I would love to feel my body pressed up against hers." A woman says, "I bet she's dripping wet right about now." Suddenly his cold hand comes up from my breast to my mouth and covers it (as though willing me not to speak.) His other comes up to my throat. I can feel him put enough pressure on my throat with his cold hand...not enough to constrict my breathing, but enough for me to know that he could if he wanted to...my life was in his hands and I needed to be reminded of that. My body begins shaking...but I'm not sure if it's shaking from excitement or if it's quivering from fear. I finally decide it's a combination of both. I feel his mouth come towards my neck that he's holding and I can feel his hot breath. He kisses me right where my shoulder and the neck come together. Somehow he seems to know that is one of my weakest spots. Who is this person and how does he seem to know everything about me? He pulls my skin between his teeth and bites on it...just a little bit. Another moan escapes my mouth even though I tried to hold it back. The hand on my mouth and the one on my throat tighten a little more as I feel his mouth coming towards my left ear. He whispers ever so lightly, "relax babygirl...Daddy is here and tonight you are going to be my plaything. You will do what I ask and what I say and you will only listen to me...not to anyone else who may speak to you. No one can make any requests unless they come through me. You belong to me and you will listen closely. So just relax, baby girl." If it weren't for the restraints holding me up, I probably would have collapsed because all of a sudden my body seems to drain itself of all energy. Fear is replaced by security. Excitement becomes heightened. I never recognized his touch...but I knew the voice immediately. It belongs to you. You grab the flogger and lightly brush it against my face. I can smell the leather and I know what is about to happen. You bring it to my breasts and let it flutter across them. You bring it down to my stomach and in between my legs. I can feel the leather just barely touching me. Then you walk around me, fling it backwards and whack it across my back. It stings but yet it feels incredible. It has been a long time since anyone has touched me and I can feel my pussy ache. As you begin methodically flogging my back, I begin to feel the rhythm of it and I become less fearful. I can feel myself getting lost in the rhythm of it as I feel the steady beat come across my skin. It stings, but at the same time, it's like a massage. Again you bring it across my front and run it lightly across my breasts before you give them a single solid whack before lightly touching them again. You know that my breasts sting from that one whack, but it's funny that the caress of the flogger that hurt them a minute ago, makes them feel so much better. You come behind me again and pull my braids so that my head is forced to fall backwards. You bring your mouth to mine and begin kissing me. You stop before I'm ready to and I feel myself wanting more. After awhile of playing like that, you come and begin untying the restraints on my hands and feet. Your hands hold my braids firmly and your other hand comes to the top of my head forcing me to get down onto the floor. I'm on my knees at your feet and you smile at me. I can't see it because you left the blindfold on me, but somehow I can feel it. I seem to be pleasing you. While I am on my knees you begin to restrain my hands behind my back as you straddle over me so that I am unable to touch you. I can hear you unbuttoning your jeans. You bring your cock out and you begin teasing my mouth with it. I can feel it, but I can't seem to get my mouth wrapped around it for several minutes. It is just out of my reach. You bend down and whisper in my ear..."Tell Daddy what you want." I very quietly tell you that I want to taste you. You let me know that you are not only one I am talking to you, but that I'm putting on a show to those who are watching. You remind me that I need to speak louder so that everyone can hear. I can almost feel the sting of my tears come as I speak louder and say, "I want to taste you." "I want to taste you, WHAT??" is your response. I'm a little confused because I'm not sure what you're asking. You remind me, "I want to taste your cock Daddy." Damn...this is so hard for me because I am really shy around others, but I know that I will have to say it if I really want it bad enough. I try so hard to hold back the tears of embarrassment. "Please Daddy, let me taste your cock," I say louder my voice cracking from the tears. I can hear a few chuckles in the crowd which reminds me that I'm being watched. Slowly you bring your cock towards my mouth. My tongue comes out and can barely reach the top of it. Already I can taste your precum. Damn, I can feel my pussy aching, throbbing, and beginning to drip. It bothers me because I am unable to use my hands to keep your cock from slipping out of my mouth. It does that and you usually use that opportunity to remind me to relax (my favorite word) or you use that opportunity to kiss my mouth. You are careful to keep your hand on my throat because it frightens me AND it excites me and you love to confuse my emotions! Finally, your hands come up to my head and you begin pushing it onto your cock. You are pushing on my head...back and forth. I can feel your cock growing harder in my mouth and with every push, it goes just a little deeper. I can feel it in the back of my mouth, but that doesn't seem to be working enough for you. You untie my wrists and while keeping my wrists in your hands, you pull me to my feet. You lead me over to one of the floating tables and tell me to get on it and lie on my back. I can feel the table swing a little as I climb upon it. It feels really weird to be suspended like that. You grab my arms and you pull me to the edge of the table where you're standing. You keep pulling on me until my head drops backwards over the edge of the table. Your hands immediately go to my tits and your cock forces it's way (willingly?) into my mouth. You grab my tits and use them to begin making the suspension table swing. Each time it does, your cock goes deeper into my mouth and your hands squeeze my tits a little harder. It is a very steady rhythm. I can hear the people get a little more excited as they watch. Their breathing becomes louder and every so often someone will say, "Mmmmmm...this is hot." My hands come around to your ass and I begin to push you further into my mouth. I can finally feel your cock slide down my throat. You seem surprised by that and bend over to whisper, "I knew you would be able to take all of me. Good girl!" After you've had enough, you take me over to one of the other padded tables (that aren't suspended) and you tell me to get up on it on my hands and knees. I do as you say and you mount the table behind me. My pussy is soaked and your cock slides right in as you hold onto my waist and push me harder back onto you. My thumb immediately goes to my mouth and I begin to suck on it. At first you don't notice, but then as I sucked a little too hard, you heard the sucking noise and ask what I was doing. You immediately bend over me and ask me, "Did Daddy tell you that you could suck your thumb??" I say, "no sir." You firmly tell me that I'm not to suck on my thumb unless I get your permission. Somehow you seem to know that it's just a reflex that my thumb goes to my mouth when I start feeling way too good. I don't even realize it is there, but you caught it. You continue to fuck me from behind and suddenly, out of nowhere, I feel your hand slap my ass hard. Startled, I lift up my head. You reached and grabbed my hand and twist it behind my back. It reminds me that I'm not supposed to be sucking on my thumb. (I hadn't even realized it was back in my mouth.) I'm thinking, "Damn, then quit making this feel so fucking good!!" You then turn me over on my back and bend my legs up towards my ears. You are controlling and forceful as you do so. Your cock enters me again. (And yes, it goes in just as easy as the first time...if not easier.) You start fucking me again...but not as hard this time. It is almost like you're trying to tease me or something. My pussy is aching and throbbing and wants to feel you deeper inside of me. My fingers find their way to my mouth instead of my thumb. Somehow I think sucking and playing with my fingers in my mouth will be allowed. This time you reach down and bite my nipple. I can tell that you are getting angry with me. "I told you not to suck unless Daddy gives you permission!" I sometimes tend to get a little feisty. This was one of those times. "No," I responded, "You told me not to suck on my thumb. You never said I couldn't suck on my fingers!" This doesn't make you laugh like I had hoped it would. Instead, you grab both of my wrists and you pin them to the table above my head. Your hands are so strong and I know I won't be able to get my hands free. It is driving me crazy because I want either my fingers or my thumb in my mouth. Now THIS seems to make you laugh a little. So while making sure my wrists are secure in only ONE of your hands, you use your other hand and slip YOUR fingers into my mouth. "You wanna suck baby girl?" you ask, "Then suck on these instead." I begin to suck while you're fucking me. Damn, I can't get enough of you!! I want to feel you so deep inside of me, but you seem to be holding back. All of a sudden I hear my own voice screaming, "Fuck me harder, damnit!!" We both seem to be shocked to hear those words escape my mouth. The people watching seem to be surprised as well. As much as that turned you on, you knew what had to be done. Instead of fucking me harder like I expected (and hoped) and wanted, you completely withdrew. You pulled your fingers out of my mouth and began circling the table. Every once in awhile you would touch me. You pull on one of my braids...you trace my mouth with your finger...you pinch my nipple...you lightly trace your fingers on my thigh...spreading the wetness around. I never knew where you were going to touch me next because I couldn't see you...I could only anticipate it... You are surprised to see me shaved and pierced, but it makes you happy that I thought you might like that. You are planning your next move. "Hmmmmmm," you think out loud. Meanwhile, I'm going crazy because I know you're right there with me, but I'm still blindfolded and you're not allowing me to see you. You come over to the edge of the table, but instead of mounting me again like I screamed for you to do," you grab hold of my piercing on the hood of my clit and use it to pull the hood back from my clit. You bend over and I can feel your hot breath on my pussy. It makes my wetness feel cool as you blow on it. Then, out of nowhere, you begin to lick me underneath my clit. It is a steady lick with a few flicks of the tongue here and there. You can hear my breathing become steady and louder and you know you're doing something right. Then...seconds later, my ass raises up off the table and my pussy begins to convulse. You keep licking and flicking as you feel me begin to cum. A loud moan / scream escapes my mouth, and then another, and another. You begin to feel me come off of my climax and your tongue stops the flicking and begins to slow down. You can feel me getting calmer and calmer until my breathing becomes so steady that you almost think I've fallen asleep. The people watching seem pleased. They think you are finished and begin to gather their things. However, you know there is still one more thing you must do. You wrap me in a blanket and carry me over to the couch where you lie me in your lap. Damn...I'm feeling so good, but I'm also exhausted. You take the blindfold off of my eyes and for the first time tonight, I'm allowed to look at you. You're hardly smiling, but your eyes tell me that you're very pleased with me. We look at each other for several minutes...each of us seems to know what the other is thinking. The people watching us are still gathering their things talking among themselves. Enya is still playing in the background. Everything is surreal and I am finally at peace...for I had thought for so long that I would be alone and i would have to play with myself instead of having real sex. I am amazed at how connected I am as I stare into your eyes. After several minutes, I feel your finger reach inside of my pussy. You can see the look of surprise in my eyes, and that pleases you. One more finger goes inside of me and you begin stroking me. My eyes show bewiderment. Someone from the group of people watching us sees what is going on. "Look...apparently he isn't finished with her yet!" he says and laughs. A few other people laugh. Another finger goes inside of me. Your eyes are still staring into mine. You see my thumb making it's way to my mouth and then stops suddenly as I remembered... You smile slightly and whisper, "It's okay, baby girl. I give you permission to suck on your thumb." "Thank you, Sir." I immediately start sucking on it because the three fingers in my pussy make me feel really good and I'm getting excited all over again. The fourth finger seems a little tight, but my pussy is wet enough that I can take it okay. You stroke harder. Your thumb goes in and your hand forms a triangle as it strokes me. You continue to do it harder, faster, harder and faster. You can feel me begin to squirm and that just makes you excited enough to do it faster and a little harder. You have learned from my many emails exactly where to touch me, what to say to me, and how to bring me to complete pleasure. My ass is up off of your lap trying to get your fingers to fuck me in the right place. Your fist doesn't make it in, but that's okay...you really didn't expect it to. You know what finger fucking will do to me if it's done right. Harder and faster you go at a steady pace. You're holding me tightly against your chest. My breathing is almost labored now and that's making you hot. Finally, you feel it...and I feel it. As I push against your fingers, I can feel my hot cum squirt out. People start gasping as they see what is happening. You look at me and you ask if i am able to keep going. Quietly I say "Yes, sir...please," "that's my good girl," you say. You continue pushing your fingers into me. Another squirt comes out...and then another. The couch that we are on is soaked. I have squirted everywhere and I'm making a mess...but you don't seem to mind. Finally your fingers grow tired and you begin to slow down and then stop. As my face begins to smile, I start to fall asleep in your arms. You allow some of the guys to come up and touch me. You wish I was awake so you could make me introduce myself to them because you know how difficult that would be for me. But instead, you let some people touch me while I sleep contently. You don't mind watching another guy touch me because you know that tonight I will be going home with you...

First of all...to all of those of you who are NOT totalravenger, I apologize for my outburst this morning.  I really get pissy with immature / stupid people.  I hope I didn't run anyone off.  :)

I received an email this morning that inspired me to write this post.  No, there was not anything wrong with my profile, in fact, like a lot of you had said, my profile paints a pretty good picture of who I am looking for.  (That, by the way, is a huge compliment, because that is EXACTLY what I wanted to do.)  This email that I received this morning, however, was one where the guy writing spoke not only of what he wanted, but also of who he is.  Upon some reflection, I realized that I have not really told anyone who I am...other than the basics...like 44, prior service military, single parent, divorced, etc...the usual boring facts.

Let me tell you, I am MUCH more than "basic!"  First of all, I am a risk taker.  I love the feeling of being scared.  The word "scare" comes in many, many forms.  I have a fear of roller coasters, but I LOVE them!!  (Yeah, so my guy must love roller coasters...!!  LoL.)  I have a fear of getting caught...being nude in public, public sex, etc.  I have a fear of the unknown.  (This might include fireplay.  I was once terrified of it...until one day I saw it done and then I was completely turned on by it!!  Especially when the dom was nice enough to give me a taste by doing a little bit on my arm.)  I have a fear of strangers.  I'm very shy by nature and if I am in bed, blindfolded, tied down, (etc) and a stranger begins touching me with his fingers, tongue, hair or whatever, then I have a huge fear of him.  The smell of him is foreign, the way he is touching me is not familiar, the sound of him breathing is unusual...stuff like that.  I do not think it's a bad thing by any means...I think it is a huge turn on for me, but not one that is likely to happen as most men do not enjoy sharing...unless they are sharing their baby with another woman.  (I will touch on that later.)  I have a fear of strange places...especially somewhere that I might have been driven to blindfolded.  Or a room that my man has led me to blindfolded.  I have a huge fear of cages...but I sometimes fantasize about what it would be like to be stuck in one...for everyone else to see and watch and maybe tease a little.   Omg...I have a fear of teasing.  You know...the kind where my man comes into the room, gets me totally turned on while I am tied down...and then leaves to go watch the football game with his buddies in the other room, and coming back to play with me during the commercials, or maybe having one of his friends come and play with me.  I have a huge fear of blindfolds...simply because all of the other senses are heightened...and I sometimes get scared of how that will make me feel, but again...I love them!!  I have a fear of the mind.  The mind is a VERY powerful tool when it comes to sex.  I am afraid that my man can control my mind when he is way across town, or how emails and texts can get me TOTALLY turned on!!  I love the way someone can drive me crazy for hours...even though he has not been around me all day...but yet, at the same time, that scares me.  I have a fear of cumming multiple times.  I am a slow cummer to begin with because I'm scared of it.  It does NOT mean that I do not like it; just that I have a fear of it.  I have a fear of a man's hand on my throat...knowing I have relinquished every ounce of control to him.  I like it (and fear it) when he presses his hand down across my throat...reminding me....scaring me...forcing to even THINK about it...Yep, I can be willing to give someone that kind of power.  I have a HUGE fear of clowns....but don't fuck with me on that one!  I don't like clowns.   I have NO IDEA why...I just don't like them...never have.  The movie "IT" scared the shit outta me and I could not even finish watching it!!  I have a huge fear of bugs...mostly spiders.  I do not really want to be fucked with those either...although after watching fear factor many times, it could possibly be a fear that I might enjoy if I were exposed to them...but only if my "man" was with me...lol.  I have a fear of letting someone down, a fear of not being liked, a fear of disappointing someone.  I seem to have done that with several of you on this site.  That is not a good feeling either.

I am a risk taker.  By that, I mean I love adventures, I love being pushed to the limits...be that in bed or out.  Like I mentioned earlier in this post, I love roller coasters.  I love the feeling of not knowing if I am going to make it out alive or if I am going to fly out of the seat during the next turn.  I want to go bungee jumping.  Please...will one of you take me? (Like my pun?  Because...yes, I want to be taken!!) I want to go sky diving.  I want to conquer this small fear of heights that I have.  I also want to go rapelling and hang gliding and...well, you get the picture.  Another way to elaborate on the "risk taker" thing is to mention again the whole element of risk and the feeling of the fear in getting caught.  I used to be well known for my NIP pics (nude in public).  I have taken pictures in Louisville, downtown Nashville, outside of a George Straight concert, on the rocks right over the highway, in the middle of an oudoor concert, on Beale Street in Memphis, in many unknown stops along the highway whenever me and my ex used to travel.  I used to pose nude on the beach...and one day I rode on the back of a harley all the way through Galveston...completely naked.  Friends drove along side of us and took pictures from the car.  It was a lot of fun.

I'm not sure how I listed my sexual orientation, but as promised, let me touch on that a little.  I want to be a mans baby girl.  I want to be protected, loved, disciplined, respected, and OWNED by a man.  Am I bi?  I guess, maybe, in a sense.  But let me explain how that works.  I am submissive all the way through.  Although I enjoy pleasing my man and serving, it does not work so well for me when he wants me to "take another woman," or when I am ordered to.  If he wants me to be "taken by her," well then, that is a whole different story.  Basically, what I am saying, is that in order to be with a woman, she needs to be assertive and do whatever it is that my man wants her to do.  So...with an assertive female, then yes, the situation could arise where she could totally turn me on.

I want the whole Daddy / baby thing.  Now understand that this has nothing to do with playing out child pornography desires.  All this means is that I want to be protected, loved, disciplined...just like you would do with a child.  I love it when a man initially will not allow me to suck my thumb because for some reason, when I get turned on, my thumb immediately goes to my mouth.  If I am not sucking on my thumb, then I'm sucking on my fingers (or his...if he puts them there).  If I am not allowed to suck on them, then I will turn my head and try to bite on my arm.  If I get really turned on, then basically I need to have something in my mouth.  It works best when someone denies it first...but eventually lets me have SOMETHING in my mouth.  ;)

I am a hopeless romantic.  I still love walks on the beach, long walks and conversations at night when the air cools down.  I love being able to connect with someone and just have crazy conversations...wherever our thoughts may lead us.  I love cuddling on the couch watching a movie.  I love doing little things to surprise my man, and I love having those things done to me.   I love sitting on the couch and reading a book together...out loud.  I love the feeling of being owned and I want to be standing next to a man who makes me incredibly proud of him for winning his own personal fight of finding himself.  I want to lie under the stars and just talk randomly about anything.  I am big on public displays of affection (you know...the g-rated kinds in a addition to the public sex thing.)

Also, understand that while I have figured out that I have been submissive all of my life, I am still learning that there is a whole different language here almost.  I hardly recognize any of the terminology used when it comes to the whole BDSM thing, so if I need help, please do not bash me for asking for a little help now and then.  After all, it was only last week that I finally learned what TPE meant!! 

As for other things, I am not your material girl at all.  i do not want handouts.  i do not want diamonds or 800 pairs of shoes, or anything.  But, at the same time, I probably will not turn away help if it is presented to me, but that is certainly not why I am here!! 

I am sure I will think of a million things to post later, but as for now, I need to go.  I still have a lot more to say, but a lot more of that will come with time.   I really need to go right now.  After all, answering emails seems to be a full-time job!!

Sorry for not being around at all yesterday.  I know I owe many of you an email, and I apologize.  I ask that you continue to be patient with me.  It would be so much easier if my computer wasn't so overloaded with garbage (I really need a new one) and if I could figure out what's wrong with the wireless router, but unfortunately, those things haven't happened for me so I'm stuck to writing when I can at the apartment business center. 

As for yesterday, I spent the day at the VA hospital in Dallas.  Before you freak out, I can assure you, nothing is wrong.  I had some swelling in my legs yesterday that had concerned me and because of the leg damage in my legs from 4 back surgeries, I figured it wouldn't hurt to have it looked at.

I love veterans.  I spent the day at the hospital yesterday and about 10 of us sat around telling our own military stories such as how we were sent out in search of chem-lite batteries or BA eleven-hundred NS's.  (Which, by the way is Ba1100ns.)  I spent hours bullshitting with other military people.  Some were old, and surprisingly (and often sad), many of them were younger.  I spoke with a guy who had an RPG explode by his head and lost 3 of his own soldiers.  I spoke with another guy who was a boxer in the army.  Yep, that was his job.  A boxer.  Damn...how come they didn't tell me anything like that when I was enlisting?  They never said, "Hey, you can be a lifeguard for the pool in Germany."  or "I think you would make a great manager for the NCO club in Italy."  No...those jobs were secret.  I got offered the standard medic (which is so stereotypical) or aircraft mechanic.  Oh yay.   I spent time wheeling around this poor older gentleman who was being given the run-around on where he was supposed to go.  He was by himself, had just been discharged, and was trying to juggle all of his stuff that they discharged him with and be able to manuver a wheelchair around to the million different places he had to go to in order to get discharged.  I spoke to a couple who met in the army on a blind date, married after 6 weeks of knowing each other and had just spent the day before yesterday celebrating their 45th wedding anniversary.

It was just an all around really cool day.  I met some really cool people while I was waiting to see the doc.  (Hurry up and wait.  I got there at 0900 and finally got to see the doc at 1730 which is why I had so much time and talk to other people and wheel wheelchair bound patients around the hospital.)

So...that's why no one received an email from me yesterday, nor did I post to my blog.  I was busy at the hospital all day and by the time I got home, I was exhausted.  I watched a movie with my daughter and then passed out.  :)

Okay...so I've given up on the tablet.  My 12-year-old daughter played with it yesterday and in five minutes, she figured out WAY more than I have and I've been playing with it for a week!  That was really frusterating!  LoL.

My wireless router isn't working for some reason, so I've had to work on my old VAIO which has many, many files that need to be deleted in order for it to run better.  And, since the wireless router (which is new by the way...and which I was SO PROUD of myself for installing it by myself...lol.) I'm stuck to the modem by way of a cable which is so short it only allows me to work on the floor.  Not to mention that I HATE being restricted (other than sexually, of course) whether it be because my cell phone is plugged up to the wall or the computer is plugged up directly to the modem.  Damn, that sucks.

So...my profile has been up for less than 24 hours.  OMG...I had NO IDEA that I would get swamped with so many emails.  So, I came up to the office at my apartment complex today to use the computer in the business center since it runs way more faster than my VAIO does.  (Or is it VIAO?)  I figured this: I could get a handle on my emails within a few hours...that this is just the "initial rush" of emails, simply because I'm new.  But honestly?  For every ONE email that I reply to, I'm getting about FIVE more!  I'm really trying to respond to each one personally...and not ignore anyone.  But the business center closes in an hour...and I don't think I'm going to get caught up on all of my emails in an hour...considering it has taken me several hours and I currently have more emails than what I started with!

I really want to respond to EACH one of your personally...and not ignore anyone...even if I don't see us having a connection.  The least I can do is be curteous enough to tell you that instead of just blowing you off.  What a rude thing for someone to do!!!  (I know...I get pissy when that happens to me!!  lol)

So...I figured I'd take a few minutes away from answering emails just to ask you publically to be patient with me.  I am hoping now that I can get caught up and that in a day or two, the initial rush will be over.  Besides...I was convinced that there just weren't any singles worth my while in my area...who weren't messed up in the head, or "someone else's reject," which I know that the majority of us are.  What I mean is that person who still has several unresolved issues with their ex, who has so much drama in their life, and simply can't focus on a new relationship right now.  And if they've never been married, and they're MY age?  I kinda wonder about them also.

So please...most Dom's demand things right away and don't have a lot of patience, but I'm asking everyone who has written to me, to PLEASE (!!) try to be patient with me while I get through this initial rush!

When the business center closes, I will continue writing emails from home...but that task will be A LOT more difficult, given the fact that my computer runs like shit (sorry...that's the military in me.  Although I was army and NOT navy, I still have the mouth of a sailor sometimes!!) and that I'm restricted to a 2-foot cord!

This IS my weekend though.  My Friday ended at noon today, so I have the next two days to get caught up with my emails hopefully.

Thank you so much for your understanding!!

Oh...it would also help if you don't email me if you're not around my age...as I think I would find it EXTREMELY difficult to submit to someone who is young enough to be my son.  Sorry...I just don't think it will work out with a man who is half my age.  It also wouldn't help if you email me because you're looking for a playmate, a slave, or an online romance or a quick fling.  I'm not into any of those things.  I'm also not into polyamorous relationships, couples looking for a single female, and people who are looking to play games.  I'm also not interested in the person who has all of a sudden decided that they're a Dom.  Sorry...that just doesn't sit well with me.  Oh...and for those of you who have gotten this far, please, let it be known that I AM a smoker...so if you're dead set against being with a smoker, then don't waste our time by emailing me.  I will quit when I'm ready to, or when I find a man who is worth quitting for.  I have been in relationships where I was the only smoker and the other person was okay with it provided I remain a "respectful smoker."  Only a "respectful smoker" would understand what I mean by that...or someone who can look past that.  The last man I dated weighed 200 pounds more than me and decided he couldn't take the fact that I smoke.  Really?  I looked passed the fact that he was fat...and he couldn't look past the fact that I smoked??  I was completely shocked by that one...but we had a very quiet break up...with no drama...and I've chosen not to have any contact with him since.  So guess what??  I AM A SMOKER!!