fadeawayangel

Ok i was asked by sasshay to share this so maybe others can learn from my mistakes..Not that many would have made the mistakes i made..There were plenty...This chapter in my life is far from over...I've yet to get home...Will see next week if HE keeps HIS word....This will be his opportunity to at least redeem himself a little in my eyes...He has stated he will help me next payday with flight money to get home.....It all started with a little harmless flirting online..I had read his profile and journal entries and thought him interesting enough...Watched him for awhile in the chat room and liked his responses to the topics.... After having a bad holiday myself , i saw in the room one day where he was driving back to work in NM after visiting home for the holidays...I pm'ed him jokingly that i was tempted to ask could i ride along as i needed a break from family...He flirted back and said he was tempted to take me up on the offer...Well the end result was two days later at 4 am he stopped by and picked me up...I did say from the very beginning i could ride out with him if "HE" could get me home as i didn't have much money...FIRST OF MANY MISTAKES...I never got enough info about him...I called his cell phone several times and nothing seemed out of the ordinary... ALSO i am bipolar and had gone off meds awhile back....I acted impulsively without thinking of consequences..I trusted way too easily based on what i perceived as a nice person in chat...People just aren't as they seem online and i know this...It was during the trip that we started asking the questions we should have asked before meeting.....Little too late for that....If i had known what i knew by the time we got to NM before we left i would have never come on this trip.... LIVE AND LEARN...The first part of the trip was ok...Gave him a blowjob before we were an hour from my house ( yeah i know i don't wanna hear it ) We talked a lot on the trip and things seemed to be going ok....BUT while stopping for gas i saw a side of him that frankly scared the piss out of me...We had pulled up to get gas and someone had NOT pulled up to the first pump...He swung around them then shoved the truck into reverse backing up to the pump... He was loud yelling at them...We had to pull forward so they could get out but then he put it back in reverse and attempted to block them in..This entire time he was loud, i will not say yelling as this may not be considered yelling to him or others..But i can say to me it sounded like yelling....Eventually the other car backed up and pulled around the pumps as he yelled out how he hoped they would get out the car .... All i could think was OMG we're gonna go to jail before we even get to NM... We made into TX and slept for a few hours...The next day driving is when i guess i realized he may not have as much money as he claimed.... i told him more than once i was hungry...He did not stop..Thats also when i began to suspect he was married...He had his phone until then for the entire trip and turned it on..Immediately his EX started calling, and the argueing between them began..REDFLAG...but a little too late...Why does the EX wife need to talk to him while hes traveling after all they had been seperated over a year (HE CLAIMED) His tone and how upset he got when talking to her told me there was more than he was telling to that story...But i tried to believe him....We finally made it to the hotel afternoon and got unpacked and finally ate at Mcdonalds which i paid for the $1 menu..... Like i said before i didnt have much money so gave him what i did have to help out with food in the room....and Offered if necesary to pawn or sell my gold chain if needed...First couple of days went ok ..no sex no advances we did play once if you can call it that...he bought a spatula and spanked me once...no warm up at all just right into spanking rather hard...Or maybe it just seemed that way to me...Dont think i care for spankings to much or maybe it was just this experience i didnt like.... Next day small bruises on my butt but nothing major....I learned over the course of our convos after many times having to guess or ask many times to get a direct answer..that it would be over 2 weeks before he could afford my ticket home...I witnessed his temper yet again with phone calls between him and his EX... My anxiety level was high at this point and i felt as i was walking on eggs shells and i had a full on panic attack.... I was crying and upset and felt as if i would jump out of my skin...Woke up at 5 am and within minutes was yelled at for putting his dirty socks in the laundry with the other pair...He wears 2 pair at a time to stay warm.but wears them for two days alternating them and he hadnt told me...I thought i was doing a good thing by picking his socks up ..without properly explaining to me how could i know....The next few days we're a guessing game...WHat did he want me to do..I would ask directly of him what time he wanted to shower or eat and never got direct answers... Being bipolar it is important for me to have routine , inconsistencies send me in a tale spin....Now My mind was racing at this point and after getting yelled at that early and ending up in tears he slams the door...I asked for help in the room..not to get me out of here but to help me get myself calmed down....I cried and typed and was given many suggestions eventually i calmed down and went for a nap...Later in the day the hotel manager came to colect towels i inquired about whether they needed help or not and PRESTO a job....SInce then i have been working daily and after talking HE and i agreed to co exist in his hotel room that is paid for by his company....On the 9th i got food stamps direct deposited and we bought food at walmart.... He had made a btrip earlier in the week and bought $25 worth of food... I had cash in my pocket and was working daily and researching online ( buses trains and flights) trying to find the cheapest way home.... I finally found a flight out of abuquerque for $134 plus fees and a comutor plane out of Carlsbad to get me there for $96 with fees....It was looking like it owuld cost me $260 or less to get home...YAYYYY and i was close to having that...Woke one morning to him talking to the PC in a loud voice...I asked what was wrong and he told me his EX wife over drew his acount by $200 and he would be broke all week after paying HER bills ....I still dont understand why he would have HIS paycheck direct deposited into a joint account with his soon to be EX wife... ( he finally admitted to not being divorced) AT first he said he continued to support her cause of his kids but then informed me the state took them in March because of her calling 911 all the time like they were marriage counselours.... (You can come up with your own opinion here) I gave him $10 for gas my first day of work to get to work with, bought him cigs to repay him for buying mine for a couple days..... Over the next few days of me working i could never tell what kind of mood he was going to be in...He would argue with his EX online or the phone then get loud with me... It was nerve racking and i was trying to work extra to get my own room at this point...I finally did that last night...Although i didnt have enough and todays wages will have to pay the rest of the room feees i am away from him and his loudness...My nerves just couldnt take it anymore...It will take me close to 3 weeks to get home now....Should fly out the second week of Feb...HE is suppose to help me with flight money next Tuesday..I'll see if he is a man of his word ....After all thats all we truely have that is ours is our word..... Either way i will continue to work until i can get home..I've called and made sure dads ok... I'm sure I'll have a mess to deal with when i return home... hoping my boss understands and i still have an job..If not ohh well i made this mess gotta clean it up now..... I have learned alot from this about myself and right now am only interested in friendships... I do plan to do some more soul searching and decide if this is what i really want....It could have been way worse....After all he did show me the gun he had with us the whole time..... I did ask him the same question i ask everyone "IS THERE ANYONE THAT WOULD BE MAD, HURT, Or UPSET IN ANYWAY IF THEY NEW I WAS HERE? i got the same response everytime.... NO ....But somehow i believe this would effect may people...... I know i made mistakes but feel as i was not in this alone...He jumped at my flirting rather fast as well WE are both guilty of making bad decisions...I hope he intends to stick to his word and pay for atleast part of my flight home...I'll know in a week..

UPDATE: Hes not helping me.... Its going to take weeks to earn enough to keep up the hotel rent and save to get home...Currently looking for a cheap pay by the week place to stay so i can save what i make..