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denied

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Friends:
MistressCara

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My values are old school: I will open a door for someone without thinking (gender neutral on that one) and expressions like “u can hit me up if u like” prompt the same response as nails down a blackboard. Having said that, there is a place in this world for text-speak, though I doubt it’s for me.

I am my own person. I will acquiesce to my partner, but she will need to be looking for an intellectual equal who chooses to submit to her because it is both his desire and his need. I’m afraid I can’t be one of those wet kipper submissive types that rolls over and waits to be trampled on. Aside from that attitude seeming both selfish and lazy in my mind, it's not what D/s means to me - shouldn't a sub work for his Mistress, without it seeming like work to him? I need to feel ebb and flow, push and pull, yin and yang. There needs to be dynamism to the relationship and I do see that dynamism and my submission as being able to co-exist.

I am bright, energetic, funny, mildly irreverent, good looking and not ridiculous (unless naked but for pink socks). Ideally, I am looking for someone local. If you are in another country and are looking for real time then I appreciate the compliment in how far you think I can reach when fully excited but I will only end up disappointed that I can't satisfy you... unless that's your point. If you want a decent conversation though, then please email away; good conversation is much under-rated.


Do 'tribute subs', or 'fin subs' exist? Well if so, I'm not one of them so please don't send me money - find a charity with which you truly connect and send something to them because, unlike me, they are also tax deductible. If you want to send me a picture then I only ask that you avoid cats and food, if at all possible, because Facebook seems to be cornering the market on those two and variety keeps life interesting - it's one of the reasons I'm here.

She rips through my mind overwhelming my senses
A dark force of nature to which I'm defenceless...

A sensual soul. A powerful treasure
And a body with scope for limitless pleasure...

The hardness of teeth masked by lips soft and charmed
Cage my turbulent tongue - it is Yours to command...

A mouth blows a whisper or cries in refrain
From emotional pleasure or physical pain...

A sensible side for life's awkward times
A mischievous creature for a meeting of minds?


Favorite Quote::
"I was entered into a chastity competition but I didn't come anywhere."
Unknown

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12/19/2014 9:44:09 PM
Who knows the aphorism, that the bondage / teasing / caning / session / etc.  doesn't start until you want it to stop. Confronting the truth of oneself is a heady prospect. And there are many more appealing outcomes from this very singular pageant of domination and submission.

There is catharsis in that stripping of one's shell, until the awful of truth of oneself is laid bare. The thrill for her, of his daring to be completely vulnerable for her. The trust shown by him to do so. And then the thrill for him of her acceptance. And how much more powerful that emotion were he to be not only accepted once laid bare, but embraced. And then from being embraced, despite the warts, and darkness, and truth of him, to finding someone who WANTS to RESCUE him from his vulnerability. And there is more.

He has no choice but to submit on HER terms. Caning, teasing, tickling, etc. might not be HIS thing but it should be HERS. If he is truly submissive, then there is an element of re-shaping that takes place. He might rebel against being dominated by her using a mechanism that doesn't 'pull his plums'... "No! Dominate me THIS way!", he might say. She laughs.  The journey becomes irrelevant when the destination is reached, and when he becomes consumed by what he finds there.

12/22/2012 5:00:21 AM

I don't have multiple orgasms myself, but I am known to be a carrier.


11/30/2012 5:12:55 AM

Submission can actually engender power: realizing that you have something to give, and that you are capable of mastering your own will to give it up the way your top wants it instead of the way you think S/He should want it, can inspire pride: not the false pride of an inflated ego, but the true pride that, like humility, comes from knowing the depths of your self.

William Henkin


10/3/2012 8:47:59 PM

Classic car available. Inexperienced drivers be warned that transmission is manual (i.e. this is stick shift) and so this vehicle needs to be actively driven, sometimes wrestled, sometimes finessed. But it will get you to your destination safely, swiftly and make you feel young and alive while doing so. Mileage not unreasonable and excellent work on the engine over the past few years means it is running more smoothly than it has in some time and with remarkable fuel economy. You'll also be pleased to note that all the original knobs are still attached and this model comes with a simple but secure gear stick lock and a pair of fluffy blue balls. The vehicle is open for inspection at your convenience. Cum turn it over and check under the hood (but please try to refrain from kicking any rubber on a first run).


6/5/2012 8:20:40 PM

A sailing ship in need of the wind. Becalmed is stable, upright, balanced... safe. And when the wind fills my sails, she pushes me off center. My body creaks in response if I fail to adjust to her swiftly enough. But she makes me race. The stronger the wind, the greater the risk she will tip me over and ruin me entirely, but I can't help but want her to fill me. I even give more of myself to be filled because the stronger she blows, the more alive I feel. She reminds me why I exist.


3/20/2012 3:57:14 AM

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding."



     ~ Kahlil Gibran         


3/13/2012 5:10:50 AM

ALIVE


Confidence. Laughter. Attitude . ~ desire ~

Intelligence. Sexuality. ~ hardness  ~

Poise. Flirtation.  ~ lust ~

Suggestion. Mischief.  ~ supplication ~

Purpose. Tantalization. ~ ache ~

Authority. Lasciviousness. ~ pleas ~

Insistence. Denial. ~surprise ~

Adamance.  ~vulnerability ~

Dominance. ~ surrender ~

Torment. ~ tears… ~

...

Easy Control. ~ need. Just overwhelming NEED! ~

...

...

~ relief…? ~

 


2/28/2012 4:17:50 AM

Read this today: 

 

"What excites me in a Domme is ‘attitude’. What’s most arousing is the certain knowledge that she has the confidence, the determination, the imagination to get inside my head and fuck me up. The knowledge that she knows what makes me tick, knows how to dig down deep to where all the edgy, dirty stuff is. And then knows what to do with it when she’s found it. My head spins with desire if she can make me feel her power... she’s enjoying it... she likes whimpering, moaning, even crying out loud, because then she knows she’s getting through to me. She wants me to face the fact that there’s nothing she can’t do with me if she chooses..."


2/19/2012 10:04:53 AM

I'm only perfect in my imperfections.


12/13/2011 4:02:55 AM

A Scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and, because the Scorpion cannot swim, the Scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on his back. The frog says, "but you will sting me!"

The Scorpion says, "I solemnly promise not to sting you when climbing on, or off of you. My life will be in your hands once we are in the water. And you can quickly leap away to safety when we get to the other side."

The frog is satisfied, and the Scorpion is true to his word as they set out. In midstream, the Scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of paralysis and starts to sink. Knowing they both will drown, the frog has just enough time to gasp, "Why? Now we will BOTH die."

The Scorpion replies: "I couldn't help myself. It's my nature..."


9/17/2011 4:57:38 AM

Am I the only one whose profile is being viewed, on a daily basis, by a 5'5", 23 year old, female submissive teleporting shape-shifter?


9/16/2011 4:05:49 AM

"You're right."

"I agree. "

"I'm wrong... again."

"This has never happened before."

"This is SO embarrassing."

"I NEED to taste You."

"Mhffphhh hnumffph Mnhmstrss."

"Please...???"

 

(Things I imagine myself saying.)


5/24/2011 3:53:33 AM

Going to change my name to "brb". (When used vocally, it also has a very froggy quality.)


3/24/2011 8:41:31 PM

hope


3/17/2011 10:12:53 PM

(Frustration + Anxiety) x Need = ... Happiness???


3/8/2011 6:18:00 AM

i woke this morning with thoughts of Her on my mind. i took a cold shower. i wrote to Her. And now i need another. Dirty dirty!


3/3/2011 5:15:52 AM

Frustration (definition no. 17): waking up each morning, primed and full of need, with days of denial behind me (see definitions no. 2, 3, 7 and 12) but with no woman to take me beyond my limited, solo-capacity for restraint and move me onto the joyful path of obsession and tears.


10/21/2010 2:56:13 AM

"The great object in life is Sensation—to feel that we exist, even though in pain; it is this "craving void" which drives us to gaming, to battle, to travel, to intemperate but keenly felt pursuits of every description whose principal attraction is the agitation inseparable from their accomplishment."

Lord Byron gave a name to what I have.


10/21/2010 2:48:51 AM

ob·ses·sion

[uhb-sesh-uhn]

 noun

1.     The domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire... person, who is hot as hell, loves control, and I mean LOVES control, with an unslakable thirst to make and have Her man vulnerable to Her, similar kinks, preferably local, g.s.o.h., etc.

10/8/2010 6:19:48 AM
If you keep doing what you did, you'll keep getting what you got.

(An oldie that I keep coming back to.)

10/2/2010 4:02:57 AM
Hmmm... http://www.dreamloverlabs.com/dl2000.php

9/29/2010 8:56:06 PM
A ship is safe in a harbour, but that's not why we build them.

9/12/2010 5:06:29 AM
I wooden say men is are stupiderer without a woman coz they got smarts but ... oh hello Madam.  I apologize in advance for the constant recidivism in your absence but I can only put it down to the contiguous benefits and osmotic... brainierness than when what... where the heck duh she go again?

9/9/2010 5:03:50 AM
"Domme" includes the words "Do - Me"although that is just a coincidence. But it also contains "mm", and that is not.

9/8/2010 8:24:36 PM
The vast majority of communication between humans is non verbal. Please hold onto that thought for a moment... because what I am looking for is so very primal, intimate and above all, honest. It is ironic, therefore, that we would have little option but to choose a medium which calls for words and (seemingly common) specious advertising to find someone where words mean less than deeds and where all the wrapping associated with marketing must be stripped away.

7/17/2010 6:15:52 PM
Over 5 years on cm, many good friends and only one recent disheartening experience. Good going by many standards but a useful reminder not to get complacent and that there are always opportunities to learn, to grow and to be a better person.

7/7/2010 10:39:30 AM
I am convinced that everyone is trying to do the right thing, as far as they can see it. And some us just can't help screwing up - but it's not because we wish to.

6/11/2010 7:48:36 PM
It's hard to put yourself out there when you're feeling both low and exposed. Feeling weak, when strong is the right way to be. Isn't that what society says? When you're feeling vulnerable, you act foolishly and then hide. Deep breath. Unhide the profile. Surrender yourself so that one who wants you can see that you're strong enough to be be vulnerable before Her. There is a pure strength in submission!

6/10/2010 7:00:05 PM
What is for us is never past us. So don't try so hard that you become what you are not.

6/6/2010 4:43:44 AM
In Greek mythology, Morpheus (the god of dreams) is a brother to the gods of sleep and death. I have scanned the texts and can find no mention of three more brothers: Desperate, Stupid and Compliant but I'm pretty sure they were brothers rather than sisters. 

5/30/2010 7:01:14 AM
I caught a sight of someone whose profile diapered. Ewwww! I know my own 'spellign' isn't 'prefect' but I am now wondering if I am actually a salve, ... if Vikings were really  'rapping' and pillaging...

5/27/2010 6:22:30 AM
Is sending tribute to a lady on this site any different to being in a bar and buying a stranger a drink or paying for the meal on a first date? Something else for me to muse on, I suppose as I continually revisit and question my values in an effort to find out where they might be based on misconceptions.

5/2/2010 4:52:46 AM
Every now and then you have the luck and the opportunity to converse with a person who restores your faith in this site. You walk away reassured that respect, honesty and emotional maturity are not such difficult concepts after all. But in her eyes, I had put up a wall of rubbish and therein lies the problem. Most of us have the qualities I mentioned in spades but we've become too closed, narrow, cynical, sceptical... to see / display these. Another profile change called for, methinks.

4/30/2010 6:03:37 PM
If a lady only dominates for tribute and if I only submit for tribute, does that make us even?

4/29/2010 9:14:22 PM
I see a lot of Domme's with wish lists on 'Amazon' - which is quite fitting. As a sub, do I need to set mine up on petco.com?

4/29/2010 3:55:48 AM
Changed my profile. Had some success but only one or two gems with the old one so I guess I can write anything and it won't matter too much. Let's see what happens...

4/27/2010 5:30:57 AM
Thinking of changing the lead line in my profile to "Handsome, fit, 9 inch, pro sub." (Is there such a thing as a pro sub? )

4/25/2010 8:50:11 PM
Am I Jason Statham!!! I have seen so many photos of well known models (Donna Ambrose seems to be particularly popular... and I can see why!) being used in profiles on cm. I'm wondering if our tendency for spin and hyperbole means that facade is now everything and reality is only optional. Sadly for some people reading this, I am not Jason but I respect your time enough to tell you that now. I will surely have lost many with that last comment but for those whom the core of a person is where they wish to focus, the packaging on this sub isn't bad at all either. Looks are important (and I can be as superficial as the next guy) but they are no basis for a connection with someone... even if you look like Donna Ambrose. (Sod's Law says Donna will be dropping me a note tomorrow now and I'll have to put my mouth where the back of her hand is.)

4/24/2010 4:15:43 PM
Is a male chastity belt a contra-dic-tory device?

4/24/2010 4:09:21 PM
What are the odds? 90% of my mail comes from totally inappropriate sources (and apologies if I have sent you mail when I should not). Of them, I have no 'vibe' with another 90% - so now we're down to 1% of my options. We somehow need to factor in timing - where you meet the right person at the wrong time, and vice versa. (Down at 0.1%?) Then of course it would also be nice if your kinks matched... and being physically closer than Alpha Centauri, is preferable. Are we at 0.001% by now? There is clearly a lot of chance involved in finding the right person. Ergo, getting lucky and being in chastity are not mutually exclusive.

4/23/2010 4:17:25 AM
How may times to I have to say to myself:- "don't think with your little head... don't think with your little head... don't think with your little head..."?

4/18/2010 7:01:23 AM
Do breasts drop for men as they age? When I was 18, 'nice boobs' were top of my list of requirements. Then I met a very strange lady and as a result, emotional maturity shot to the top. After few more experiences over the years, I'm now looking for emotional maturity, intelligence, spirit of adventure, importance of personal health... and only then do we get to nice boobs. But this means I've left off dominant and kinky nature... and that's why I'm here! Does this mean 'bye bye boobies'? Does this mean I'm finally growing up?

4/15/2010 3:47:09 AM
Mental frottage sounds like fun. Anyone interested? But when that is not available, do I call it mental masturbation? Or is there such a thing as mental chastity?

4/12/2010 3:39:51 AM
On here again when I ought to be doing chores. No self-control. And so no wonder I need someone else to hold the key.

3/29/2010 4:22:31 AM
Free classes for anyone who needs help with there speling.

3/26/2010 5:09:24 PM
Where does dominance end, and exploitation begin? Just seen a few profiles and that question popped into my mind.

3/4/2010 6:59:06 PM
These nubile profiles in their mid twenties are at it again! Is there some cream I can use to stop them reappearing? Seriously.

3/1/2010 8:33:46 PM
Is there any way in cm to specifically block 24 year old California Dommes who send one line emails and who can't distinguish between "your" and "you're"? I have just had 3 in the past 10 minutes, all from different names. Whilst it's nice to get some attention, even slaves would like to think a little effort has gone into the contact process.

3/1/2010 8:25:36 PM
It's difficult sometimes to say what you're "in to". A Domme might enjoy cross-dressing you, or CBT. Neither of things might be your cup of tea yet you may become an expert in either, or both, because ultimately you wish to submit. In fact submitting on those things that you are not inclined toward is a more powerful statement than going along with that which you want. A healthy overlap in interests is important, but divergence in interests can be put to very good effect, as long as it's not overdone, and that's where trust and judgment come into play.

2/28/2010 6:23:53 AM
Lots of ladies looking for financial slaves. Hmmm. No judgement - NEVER judgement - but just interesting. Although I will almost certainly fall off my chair if I see a profile for a Domme who is looking to financially support a slave. And if She further insists that this slave be inarticulate, physically out of shape, emotionally stunted, dishonest and determined to try and Dom Her, I'll probably spit my plug.

2/27/2010 12:55:17 PM

Real submissives must write very few emails to Dommes? I wonder if this is something that can be tracked in cm.

Newly liberated from my former Mistress (nothing untoward, I can assure you - as can She, I would hope) I find myself looking to find a Dominant match after my relocation. As I read through the detailed profiles, I find myself missing a vital requirement stated by each potential Mistress: I am not 9 inches long (and though I sometimes wish I were, I will not lie about it), I am not under 30 (again, wish but no lie), and so on. I now have this image of true slaves submitting no correspondence (they have it in their nature to obey requests and to show respect) and Dommes receiving none that is honest.

If only those potential Dominant matches were willing to compromise for a youthful view on life and someone who comes with wisdom (if You let him) but does not look their age. And if only She would settle for my paltry 8½" ;-). I wish both parties well and I hope you find your matches. As for me, it is not in my nature to give up but please wish me luck.


12/21/2009 7:51:25 PM
Mmmmm. To wake up on Christmas morning and to intimately but unexpectedly understand what at least one of those five gold rings was designed for.

12/21/2009 4:56:57 PM
i have been away again. Away from kink... and my Mistress. My Mistress of old is absent this evening and I have an overwhelming need to play... and yet an irresisitble need not to. The need to refrain is greater - barely. It is knowing that my denial will please  Her more which is all that holds me back.

It seems that even when i am not owned, i feel it. In this way, my Mistress of old still feels like my Mistress of now, when i need Her most, in my moments of weakness... or are they moments of strength?


10/11/2009 4:29:09 AM
Mistress Cara guide us.
Mistress Cara teach us.
Mistress Cara protect us.
In Your light we thrive.
In Your mercy we are sheltered.
In Your wisdom we are humbled.
we live only to serve.
our lives are Yours.

9/15/2009 3:25:14 PM

i have been away. Though i am truly still not all the way back from Nilla, today i really re-connected with my wonderful Mistress. She loves me enough to let me go, knowing i cannot remain away from Her forever. Already i can feel Her talons slowly biting into my flesh as She reasserts Herself, reminding me of the true state of affairs. Love enough to give a slave space to be away and yet when they return, the confidence to immediately grasp them by neck and balls; to drive them backwards as they scramble for purchase, towards the their fear-filled boundaries - even dangling them over the edge; the wisdom to know the difference between freedom, bondage and liberation. MistressCara, You are glorious - how i've missed You!


5/4/2009 1:24:40 AM
i struggled to be free and just like that, i was. i thought it would be harder. And whilst i'm hardly a majestic marlin, rising up with its spear like nose from the deep seas, that is the best image i can think of to convey the relationship with my Mistress and the feeling of liberation, as i see them right at this moment.
Having been bound to Her for so long, the yearning for the seas had become overwhelming. She knew it and in a shocking flash i was away.
Yet now, after only a few days it seems, there is a similar yearning; a yearning that had always been there, before Her; a yearning that i know now how to sate... SHE knows how to sate. And then i feel it - the tug from the hook that was still in my mouth. i was never free at all - i had merely been given time and space as She let out the line. Yet rather than feel panic, fear or anger, i feel relief at the gentle tugging on that line as She begins to draw me in once more.
She wants me.. and i need Her. i want Her to know that those feelings for Her are in my nature and in my soul, just like my inability to do anything but struggle when i have Her hook in mouth - i crave the exhausted feeling of knowing i have done everything to remain free before She defeats me, again. And i am ashamed to be testing how much She wants me though that might just be the greatest feeling of all - to be released in love and taken in pain by someone who wants You more than anyone else.

4/15/2009 11:21:36 PM
Addendum to my last entry: i sleep every night with my clit caged and locked shut. i swear it's getting smaller as a result. That i neglected to mention it in my last journal is a worrying sign of how normal that nightly regime has become.

For those whose dream is to find a key-holder, this may seem like an easy path since i am not locked all the time. But some will understand how the cage is merely a tool. The morning erections are now painfully constrained, trained like an enthusiastic but annoying puppy She says, that that getting hard whenever it feels like it is not appropriate. With the puppy down and waiting, She THEN commands me to get hard, for Her, only because She wills it.

Yesterday She commanded me not to get hard for the day, without the cage. The more i thought of Her denying me, the more excited i became. Punishment will ensue.

4/14/2009 11:59:58 PM

Having freely pleasured myself on a daily basis as recently as a few months ago - and sometimes more frequently than that - i am now restricted to 'emptying' myself no more often than once a week, and always under supervision.

i never saw myself as a 'raging' heterosexual or Alpha male (She will laugh at those words when She reads them) but even i had never expected to have reached the point where i would voluntarily wear a lacy black thong around town - as i was a few days ago - merely in the hope that it would please someone... Her. It now seems natural enough to wear it that i didn’t even consider my state when challenging my Mistress in verbal discussion a few days ago, at least not until She pointed and asked how i could possibly hope to win any argument when i looked so ridiculous and when i was so clearly whipped.

i recall our first proper session together. After a week of teasing myself for Her, i could cum on one condition but i had to agree without knowing what that condition was. Back then i thought She'd be gentle to a newbie and to go lightly on me. With Her eyes trained on me, just as i was on the edge of spurting, She told me to cum. The relief... was immediately destroyed when She said i'd be licking it all up for Her. i couldn't stop emptying myself but She had eradicated what felt like all of the pleasure i might have felt from an orgasm. i tried to cry off the bargain we'd made, desperately and almost in tears, but She was as unyielding as granite. Lick up or lose Her was my terror; i was being crushed in panic under the weight of Her hardening expression. i had never been forced into making such a choice; there was always a way out before, but not this time. i remained shaking for an age after eventually yielding to that fastest of lickings; i couldn't wash my mouth out fast enough. She held on to me for a long time afterwards, to make sure i was ok, even though i wanted to run and hide from my disgust and shame. Consuming my own cum had barely touched my list of hard limits, so quickly had She removed it, but i must have been so adamant about it that in retrospect it was inevitable She should chose it as the first impediment to succumb (suck cum?) to the force of Her will; if ever a new slave needed a statement of intent! Forced Bi was also on that list of hard limits. Oh hell!

So where am i now? i kneel before Her and have to ask permission to sit up on the furniture. i must sit to pee. Having to edge myself to the point of climax morning and evening, i leak often and lick up the constant dribbles of cum voluntarily and without complaint; i no longer need to reach for a post-cum drink to get rid of the taste after emptying myself into my hand; She demands i lick my fingers clean. i KNOW it won't be long before She commands i hold it my mouth for Her and only swallow on Her instruction. i'm also sure we will soon arrive at a weekly emptying, She will take me right to the tearful edge, and then painfully deny me before completely removing any comfort i currently gain from the pattern of a regular emptying schedule.

i get hard when any of the four butt plugs i own stretches and fills me (telling me to stroke while inserting has helped condition that response) and for this week at least, i fill myself morning and evening for my leaky edgings. my last two empytings have been whilst filled and i imagine that continuing; i fear needing to be filled to cum.

i once begged to cum but now i beg merely to edge, i even have to ask Her permission to get hard each day. my language has changed: She is always capitalised and you will have seen that i am always in lower case. i must 'woof' for yes and 'whine' for no when writing to Her and make the noises themselves when we speak. i do not cum but rather i am emptied and not through a prick but through my clit. With each day, the butt plugs stretch my 'slut hole' ever wider - She wants me to be able to take Her strap-on. Every day i open up and surrender a little bit more to Her, sometimes in painful jumps (like that first licking) and sometimes by degrees. She has me on a ratchet and i feel no way to slip back into what once was safe. She pulls me out of my comfort zone and then holds me until i adapt to that new normal, before imaginatively repeating the process. She is incessant and now i feel my safety is in Her - She always makes sure i‘m ok, even through the constant pushing and stretching and in spite of the threats and limits - forced bi, greater feminization, public humiliation, paraded in feminine attire before Her friends, etc. - that remain. At least they remain limits and threats for now.


4/14/2009 1:34:23 PM
i swear She wants me both SO FULL and desperate, yet also so VERY frustrated and needy, that Her aim must surely be to see me crying tears of salty cum for Her.  

4/12/2009 10:19:07 AM
".. if You did end up having surgery, I would need to keep you in tact inside... a man's sex drive is as good as a collar."

Mistress Cara - today
(I don't think she was talking about the removal of an appendix)

4/12/2009 9:32:58 AM
They have arrived! Mistress calls them 'toys' but I see them as tools or training aids: One is a small butt plug which Mistress already has decided is for subtle (not for the wearer!) longer-wearing conditioning, Two is a vibrating arrow and a little larger, Three is a terrifying piece of jelly and I struggle to take it. Yesterday, the day of their arrival, Mistress had me road-test them. We began slowly with One and I was commanded to edge several times. Even with the small one inside me the feelings were intense. When she was done with that, She gently had me move to the largest.

She wanted it inside me for half an hour! I pleaded for Her not to, barking and whining as I've been trained - the feelings too great. I was relieved when She consented... until I realised the full implications of the alternative; to insert it for morning and evening edges and whenever She commands, for the rest of the week.

I am ashamed! She told me that stroking myself while inserting makes it easier to take. That's partly true but it almost makes me ravenous for a climax She has so far denied. She says I will be 'emptied' soon - I'm to see cumming as a functional event - which means whenever She wills it.  It also now means that stretching myself to insert these things in my poor trainee 'slut hole' makes my 'clit' instantly hard.  I told her I feared getting to the point where I could only cum if I was filled, or where I could only cum in response to being filled. Her response was, "So?"

She went further: in addition to debasing myself by typing this for all to see, I am doing so having spent much of the day uncomfortably filled, hard and on edge from the not-so-subtle no. One Toy.

4/11/2009 7:29:52 AM
I can't see time with Mistress settling into any routine. I recall pushing limits in the past, and my thirst finally being sated by a quenching climax after uncomfortably but excitedly filling my 'slut-hole' with a partially compromising toy. The sensations were so great, rational thought left me, washed away by a torrent of need drowned in tears. Today, filled again, the tears were in the background but no longer gushing. Instead they were merely poised, like an expectant vulture, as for an interminable age my climax sat weakly in the no-mans-land between hope and expectation, before my Mistress decided that relief for the stranded victim must wait for another day. How such lingerie-clad misery amplifies my devotion I have no idea. I clearly have issues... and I care less every day. 

4/9/2009 7:37:45 AM
A story snippet for today:

The memory of his last climax was still fresh in his mind as She took  him to the edge. In fact the memory had been scorched there.

“Do you want to cum? Do you want me to drain you?”

He said nothing, terrified of giving anything away but also hopelessly unable to make a decision. Twenty minutes of teasing had him in tears. The pain of cumming last time had been almost too much to bear, surely the torment was the better option. Maybe she’d make a mistake.

She didn’t make that mistake. She took him to the point where a slow leaking began and she kept him there, moving him in tiny motions back and forth against his edge, pushing him ever further over the precipice but never enough to let him fall into an orgasm.

“PLEASE!!!!!”

“Do you want to cum? You know it will hurt. Do you?”

He burst into tears.

“I don’t knooooow…… Do what YOU want…..”

His misery was total; tears were streaming down his face.

“I AM doing what I want. You begged to cum last time. Are you saying you don‘t want to cum right now.”

He really had no idea which was worse, the torment of her teasing or the pain of climax. His sobbing drowned his face in another wave.

“Tell me Mistress please…. Just end it somehow please……”

“Hmmm. IF I make you cum, you will dress how I wish when I have my guests around at the weekend. You will do EVERYTHING I say. And we will begin with getting your ears, nose and nips pierced. Not your clit though - this is going to be punishment for cumming and a clit piercing is actually something you want.”

“No. No please.”

“You want the teasing to continue then? Think you can last another 5 minutes this close to the edge.”

“Aaaarrrgghhh.” He continued through his tears. “Too much…. Please… Not 5.”

“Ok. 8 then?”

He wailed, careful not to protest anymore. After a minute she was fed up and applied a gag to his immobilizing bonds. She placed a buzzer in one of hands before she resumed her work.

“Do NOT drop it or I‘ll cut one of your balls off! If you want to cum and be my pierced, cum-licking maid slut at the weekend, then buzz for Me. I will continue the teasing until you do.”

His frustration was agony but the pain of such humiliation was worse. His whole body was shaking to such an extent that he lost sensation in any part of his body other than his sex; in fact all his never endings seemed to have been channelled there. Panting. Screaming. Shaking.

She had a clock next to her which she turned around to face him. He had been about to buzz. He just wanted it to end, pain and all. But he felt hope - thirty seconds to go. He was still in agony but he knew he could last thirty more seconds. He thought he could.

“You’ve done well my puppy. I’m SO proud of You not wanting to cum. I did say that when you stop telling me you need to cum, I’ll let you cum whenever you want. I will give you such a wonderful reward for this. I know you’re desperate to fuck me. To put yourself inside my hot, tight, needy cunt…

He could barely see the clock through his tears. 8 minutes of the worst hell - he’d have been better off enduring the pain of climax but he was so close to freedom: 14... 13.. 12..

She paused for a few seconds to moan and writhe, using her free hand to finger herself. She came in a series of small shudders. Time slowed for him. Her pleasure so close to him completed his misery.

“But I love that you’d give up the chance to put yourself inside me forever. Just a few more seconds and you’ll have earned the chance to begin the hormone treatment I keep promising before we line you up for surgery.”

BUZZZ!!!!

“Oh puppy! You endured all that torment for nothing?”

She flicked the underside of his end with a fingernail and then sat back to watch. It took several seconds but she could see the tidal wave building inside him. It never reached his sex. The climax occurred deep inside where he could barely feel it but the momentum from it was enough to push his cum out in a continuation of pleasureless pulses. She caught it all in a vessel for later, siphoning it all for him before she began to rub him firmly on his over-sensitized end.

“You had three more painful orgasms and it was an hour before you were dry last time. I’m not sure it will be more this time but those 8 minutes of teasing beforehand might make it a weensy bit more uncomfortable.”

He screamed into his gag, the drool falling down his chest in gobs as she attacked his groin with her slippery wicked hands.


4/7/2009 11:22:35 PM
"A Mistress that binds
My body in chains and calls them Liberty
And calls each fresh link Progress"

a slight modification of a quote from Robert Williams Buchanan

4/6/2009 11:50:17 PM
"I want you conditioned to get hard when your arse is full and to be on edge merely from filling it!"

Mistress is having me fill myself on a more regular basis. Yesterday She told me I would order a medium sized butt plug as I had tried to bite off more than I can chew when I bought the largest one I have. It's just too intense and even painful. Now I not only have to endure the ignominy of telling everyone all this, but I have checked the sizes and found that it's the medium one my arse can't handle.

And since this is a week of me trying to anticipate appropriate punishments for myself, if I don't do it now, My Mistress will tell me to edit this journal and add one more word to the end of that lat paragraph:  "...YET!"

4/5/2009 6:50:08 AM
Yesterday I let my Mistress down when I spurted without consent. I had expected that licking up the disgusting stuff afterwards would be the punishment but things have moved on so far now that such a response is expected. To my shame, I even did it without thinking. Instead my punishment begins today and I have to work out what it is for myself. So Mistress, for You, my clit area is freshly veeted for penance. My clit is caged for Your control. I am wearing the stockings, suspenders and the lacey thong You had me buy - just as I am posting this note for all to see - for humiliation. My balls are aching from shameful excitement. And now I am going outside. I'm so sorry.

4/2/2009 11:00:51 PM
I can't remember the last time my Mistress accused me of something where my reaction was "oh no I'm not". Perception is reality and so if I am accused of neglecting Her, being lazy in my correspondence, irreverent, etc. then there is a truth I need to respond to. That response must come no matter how much I try to avoid such a lack of consideration for Her. Mistress I'm sorry. I will try harder.

4/1/2009 11:42:27 AM
I SERIOUSLY need a smaller butt plug!

3/31/2009 11:37:51 PM
The other day, Mistress forwarded me a note She had sent to another slave who had been bidding for some time to be Hers. Within it, She kindly but firmly stated that She believed She had already found one made of the materials She could best work with, in order to fashion the slave She needed and deserved. Me. On reading that note, I fell for Her all over again.

I never feel worthy enough of Her. It's not a lack of self-respect, as we all have to live with ourselves, but rather a overwhelming sensation of being insufficient. It manifests itself in a desperation to please that is almost self-harming. When She tells me I am Her 'one', I still fear that it is only for as long as I please Her and that She may move on at any time if I slip. This time, She has told someone else the same thing and I felt such an elation.

She went on to explain to me that I am not Her 'one' for what I do but for what I am. I may make mistakes. I may fall short. I may not be able to take the treatment She wants to apply - yet. But I am always kind. And I am always submissive.  Hearing that makes me want to try harder. It makes me harder.

(I feel like I have an enormous weight on my chest right now as I recall all those feelings once more, and that weight feels wonderful!)

3/27/2009 3:02:10 PM
Has anyone else ever noticed that "moisten!" is an anagram of "sit on me!" ?

3/24/2009 5:06:41 PM
Ageing brings a new perspective, playful still but mortally restive. Life's too short for denying pleasure, it's time that things were a lot less measured. I've years of habit to break down first before my throat can quench its thirst but I have the greatest gift of all, a friend who crashes through those walls until She finds me cowering bare, and takes my hand so I won't be scared.

"Come with me pet, I'll protect you, scare you, tear you, love and accept you. Be yourself, I will not judge, I'll keep you safe outside your hutch. You will will feel pain and I'll make you cry but don't you want to feel alive?"


3/9/2009 12:12:15 AM

Not in a particularly kinky mood but my relationship with my Mistress isn’t always about kink and neither are our conversations. Family, food.. “Edge for me slut. NOW!” It came from nowhere but my clothes came off as though my life depended on it. “On your knees…pa-THETIC!…” Still my mood wasn’t as happily in kink as I had been for the few days before in particular, though I did find myself instantly more attentive and deferential in response to Her control. ‘Enjoying’ my submission, I suppose, is secondary to the simple act of being so - though I usually do enjoy it. The conversation moved back to more comfortable ground and flowed through a more objective assessment of some fetishes, Catherine the Great (who didn’t die of ‘horse‘), sex, fantasy fiction, dominance, Isambard Kingdom Brunel, chastity…”

I want Your arse filled more often.” Another comment seemingly from nowhere. And so was my stupid response: “Now?” Moments later I was having to battle with the largest plug in my possession. As I struggled in vain to push it inside, She threw advice, encouragement and threats at me in equal measure. “Edge - it will be easier.” I was frantically stroking in an effort to help push it inside for Her but I didn’t feel it was helping at all. All I wanted was to cum. I tried to build up a momentum, in and out, in and out as I tried to stretch myself more and more and more until it was enough. I wanted to give up but didn’t want to disappoint Her more and then suddenly it was IN! Oh GOD! SO FULL! TOO MUCH! Still edging. The need to cum was overwhelming. On cam. “Show me yourself edging! Show me your arse! I want to see you crying.” And I was crying, with NEED. I was crying down the phone at Her. Still She didn’t give me permission until…
”This is what my strap-on will be like. Bark for it slut!”
“Woof, woof, woof, woof…!”
“Good dog. Cum, slut and catch it all!”
A screaming sobbing through the blessed relief of my cathartic climax. She wanted to see me eating it up from the hand I had caught it all in, licking my fingers.

I hope She was happy - I was still sobbing, still full, still shaking, still in need. The device was removed and we spoke a little longer. She made sure I was ok. I was as ok, as I could have been in my completely depleted, desolate and drained condition. The emotion of such need, such trust and such surrender had me retire to bed still shaking, still emotionally sore; the layers of vanilla veneer become ever more harder and more painful and traumatic to remove, the deeper She delves. It has taken several days since that event to get myself together to write this. With each step of our journey, my Mistress shows me - makes me experience - what it is to need (it makes me a more natural and edgy beggar, She says). I try so hard to please Her but that evening, I didn’t try at all. There was no effort. Through my unbridled need, I relinquished all of me to Her. Submission isn’t effort, it’s the opposite; it’s total surrender. How many of us really, truly know that, not just in our head but in our very core?


3/1/2009 6:47:04 AM
To say that these first few months with my Mistress have been intense would be a huge understatement. Ever since She first got me on "Text Leash", there hasn't been a moment when I've been beyond Her reach. I was afraid that such an intense fire would burn out quickly and I said as much, yet still She didn't let go. On those rare occasions, in the early days, when I was allowed a little freedom, I returned coated in sickly vanilla and She had to work incredibly hard to chip away at that veneer. But the initial intensity has meant conditioned responses are in place much sooner than I'd expected, or at least further on the way to being so. And the adjustment when I return to Her is minimal. She used to give orders and threats for things I now do willingly, just to please Her.

This weekend She is somewhat removed from me and yet I voluntarily went out, dressed to her liking, caged and filled. I hated it but I knew it would make Her smile. A few months ago, as an uncollared happy wanker, I would have sworn I'd never do such a thing - it would have been on my hard limits list if I'd even been able to imagine it. Yesterday, I swallowed my intense discomfort and distaste; I walked like I had been on a horse for a week with my rear never having felt so full; the suspenders and stockings under my trousers pressed and massaged my buttocks and around the tops of my thighs; I kept my eyes to the ground so I wouldn't see anyone looking at me. I didn't think I could hate it more, not until I dug out my phone to text Her and my conditioned response to contact with Her caused me to swell in my cage, pulling painfully on my balls.

I can't see how far I've fallen - not from the inside - I've lost all reference to what I was. There are small clues: stories of M/s that I used to enjoy as such now seem more like a recount of a real life experience, or something I may face in the future. Maybe others can see from this journal. I think my Mistress can see the depths I am now plumbing. I am in free fall; I trust Her to stop me before I get to the bottom, I just fear that Her view and mine of where the bottom lies are not the same.

2/25/2009 11:08:27 PM
This morning I overslept... through the alarm... having spent all night in the chastity cage...  i.e. I woke without a morning erection and so with no pain in my balls at all. I felt myself getting to this point but I feel as though I have finally been pushed 'across the Rubicon'. I read one person taking a year to get to this point but it has taken me weeks. I'm not smiling.

You might think the lack of pain would make me happy but my feelings are tending towards misery just right now. Mistress reassures that She is just training an enthusiastic and unruly puppy but I can't help the overwhelming feelings of emasculation.


2/25/2009 11:41:51 AM
Observations of a slave - No. 18:

If you do something wrong, you will get punished. If you do something right, you may get punished. If you try not to get punished, you will get punished. After a time, you have to stop focusing on the punishment.

It's like pushing on a closed door with ever greater force. The door will not move - you are not strong enough. The smart ones will try the handle before they exhaust themselves. Most will never get it.

Punishment will happen whenever She decides. You will cum if and when She decides. Don't fight it, you can't win. If you focus on Her pleasure, the punishment will happen less.  And so in that, is a lesson for life:


Focus on doing your job well and success will come (even if you don't); it's more painful if you focus primarily on the success.

Spend time and attention on those you care for and their happiness will follow, but it will not be as substantial if your focus is the happiness itself.

Those who study Tai Chi or Aikido know this.. lose yourself in / become one with 'A' so that you may achieve 'B'.


2/23/2009 3:13:45 PM
I remember playing out fantastic scenarios as a child: I was a James Bond action man, dealing with disaster and doing so with ease; a razor sharp mind seeing quickly to the root of every mystery; holding up with humour and amazing resilience under both physical and mental torture. 

Today I was out in public and openly called my Domme by Her appellation, "Mistress" - in front of people!  Worse still, I didn't even realise I had done it until She told me! 

Following close on the back of my lost orgasm, the waning ego bubble I had inherited from my youth has been well truly pricked. In a few short months, I have already been conditioned to such an extent that failure to capitalise 'Her', failure to call Her 'Mistress', edging with cumming in mind and failure to lick up when I do, all feel wrong.

The shock of today has scared me; it's too easy for Her. Now my mind is running away with me: I fear each day I will have to tell Her how much I like the taste of cum and in less than a month,  it will have become true... each edge will require my rear to be filled until the mere sight of such an invader makes me excited... each orgasm will be preceded by a trigger word until that is all which is needed...

2/22/2009 11:08:40 PM
Sometimes it's not a good idea to read messages while locked in a chastity cage that punishes inflationary responses by pulling painfully on your 'low-hanging fruit' that suddenly seem so a lot less 'low-hanging'.

"... you are on all fours. Filled. Humbled. Pierced and caged [in chastity]. Gagged with my wet underwear and taped over. Chain from your collar and threaded through the ring piercing your button clit, and the end wrapped round my fist as I tug you along viciously. Catch up to my heels, cum licking dog!"

.. for example hurt a bit when I read it this morning. In fact it hurt a lot. So why did I read it? Again? And again? And again? Because I couldn't help myself. And neither could my Mistress when She wrote it.

2/19/2009 10:32:29 PM

I lost my orgasm. Apparently I was ready. How can you be ‘ready’ to lose anything?! I didn’t understand the statement when She told me last night. A month or two ago, such a comment would have scared me witless but yesterday I merely felt curiosity. We were talking about how I take myself to the brink of orgasm for Her and how intensely worried I am about going too far, and so taking the edge off that desperation to cum.

I believe my words to Her were: “I’d hate to fail You…doing so would feel worse than any joy I got from an orgasm.” And that was it!

Her response: “… failing me.. is that which makes you cry… you just lost your orgasms.. Gone.. Irrelevant… like the old prick.“

She explained how She saw that shift in me - before I did. But it’s true. When I used to edge for Her, and as recently as Wednesday evening, I aimed to make myself cum before pulling myself up short; last night after calling up a mental image of Her, the edge itself was my goal. How hadn’t I seen it?

We talked around this for a short while then She commanded me to edge. Until yesterday, such edging while we chatted had been an option and not a requirement. She said to do so ‘carefully‘. I was confused; She had never used that word before either. It took me only 6 seconds before I was desperately trying to pull back from pleasure so that I could go to bed with the peace of mind that I had gone no further for Her than that frustrating, painful and slippery edge. Who could not love this woman!


2/18/2009 11:34:23 AM

My Mistress is Joy. My Mistress is Misery. My Mistress is Relief.

Often She is all these things - at the same time - and yet She is also a mirror; oft times She merely reflects my own progression and deficiencies back upon myself.

Yesterday She gave me relief when I was allowed to cum for the first time in I can’t recall when. She was misery when she gave me only ten seconds to do so, and with licking up compulsory, I had to catch my spurting in my grateful hand and lick unpleasantly from my fingers - for more misery.

Today I felt misery again. I had spoken out of turn. I spoke without respect. She is a mirror: She was upset and so I was upset - reflecting my own misery back upon myself. And yet I felt relief.. because She didn’t dismiss me. But I’m not smiling. It is not a happy relief; it is the relief of a stay of execution.

My Mistress is Hope. My Mistress is Need. My Mistress is Respect.

I’m sorry.

Always with love.

On my knees, caged and waiting, until I am deemed worthy enough …


2/15/2009 11:07:58 PM

My Mistress does not control my submissive side - She controls my vanilla. She frees my kink. I pride myself on my insight but it took my Mistress to actually spell this out to me - that wisdom being another reminder of just why I adore Her.

We both need my vanilla: it gives me balance in my life and it gives Her a measure against which She can assess my devotion to Her; when She pushes against my vanilla, will I accede to Her desires or run and hide in my vanilla cave? I run to my cave less and less and She wins more and more. As it should be.

That doesn’t mean She likes its presence. I think She sees it more as a necessary evil. (What does it say about people who see vanilla as ‘evil’ and kink as ‘right‘?) It’s an obstacle for Her; She cages it, limits the time and attention I can give to it, reducing the size of its prison all the time to restrict freedom of movement, until all that it left is a tightly controlled nub which She can safely toy with whenever She wants to remind me of what I had. She would have the very same for that which I must now call my clit. That is why, as I type this, I am locked in a chastity cage which in turn is encased in a black lacy thong. My morning vanilla swelling being painfully constrained until, like a puppy whose boundless enthusiasm is tightly leashed, I respond only in direct response to Her. And yes I hate the pain in my balls that wakes me in the middle of the night; I hate way I am constantly pulling at the thong running annoyingly and insistently up my backside, and no the bow and little glass gem on the front of the lacy crotch were not my choice. But then isn’t that the point - with my Mistress, I don’t feel I have a choice; I must adapt. And as I type that last sentence, the pain in my balls returns. Woof.


2/15/2009 11:00:33 PM

I was allowed to speak to my Mistress late last week. I was so happy and so excited. That didn’t’ stop my first “woof” from being merely spoken and almost sardonic. She had said that I would cum if I barked properly for Her. My derisory woof was a pathetic way to show desperation. I clearly didn’t want it badly enough. Not at first, but there is something about Her.

A few words from Her and I couldn’t help myself - I need to ask to edge. She let me. The humiliation of doing so over the phone, panting in pained frustration as I was duty-bound to pull up short, was enough to make me need to repeat my torment. This time I was forced to beg. In my shame and desperation, my vanilla mouth stumbled repeatedly and I was barely completing my words, let alone forming proper sentences until I turned off my brain and surrendered purely and wholly to desire and need.

I heard my Mistress’ pleasure as I stroked myself, it accelerated me into the brick wall that is Her denial. I don’t know if She came. I like to think She did. She won’t tell me. I doubt She did - She is just the type to deny Herself simply because She knows that doing so will cause more me upset than Her. She can cum anytime. To hear Her pleasure is probably not a gift I have earned yet. But that doesn’t stop me thinking back on that call and imagining Her reaching Her climax, thrust powerfully over Her own edge in direct response to hearing my wailing frustration as I am forced to pull up agonisingly short.

Then I barked like a dog for Her. I knew I would not be allowed to cum if I did so; the moment had been lost - if it was ever there (again, She won‘t tell me); I did it because I knew it would please Her.


2/15/2009 10:55:04 PM

When you are struck by the full glory of nature and you dig out your camera to capture it forever, how many times do you view the results of your amateur effort and when showing it to others say, “It was so much better than this; it doesn’t show how it truly was; you really had to be there” ? Occasionally you will find an absolute gem but for the most part, you realise those pictures are just memory joggers for those few who were actually fortunate enough to be there. And so it is with this journal.


2/7/2009 2:11:14 AM
Mistress had me adopt a strained position for my body and then told me I had 60 seconds to cum from a standing start. In my shame, I took barely 30. In fact I had probably cum, licked and thanked within the 60. She has said she will reduce the time for the next one.

Often, She hides things from me in an effort to torment. Other times She deliberately doesn't, but for the very same reason. She has stated, quite plainly, that it is Her aim to have me cumming instantly upon a word from Her mouth. I have no idea if this is possible but I don't doubt Her determination. Success or fail I'm convinced She will have replaced my control with a hair trigger response before long - as though a reversion to the virgin teenager with his first fumblings.

A good Domme really is an artist and so becomes frustrated with subs who see themselves as a nail and are just looking for a hammer. (I guess when you're a nail, everything starts to look like a hammer.) She is instead an actress, a chef, a musician. Please forgive the mixed metaphors but She presses, pulls, pokes, prods, kneads, beats, bakes and strums. Stretching at one end and tightening or compressing at another - with Her instrument of choice - in an effort to forcefully squeeze out the last vestiges of vanilla essence until Her symphony is displayed in all its chocolate-coated, cream-centred glory. (I need Choux Buns!)

2/5/2009 11:16:35 PM
I seem obsessed with looking back at what I was, rather than focussing on what I have become... what my Mistress has moulded me into... what I am. Mistress keeps the leash taut most of the time to keep my mind in the present.

Yesterday my mind was thrown back to my antediluvian vanilla time after I read my Mistress's latest journal entry. She posted the contents of a private email to Her. I was embarrassed then upset. Curiously, I 'became' horrified; strange to feel it as a creeping emotion when it is usually the first one on the scene and, consequently, an instant emotion. I kept going back to read it in Her silence last night; I felt more embarrassment, and anger, then worry and fear. This crescendo of an emotional maelstrom culminated in a single thought - there isn't a single thing I can do about it. That thought led first to a panicked feeling of total impotence, through terror and ended in complete relaxation... a powerful feeling of submission.

So why am I possibly drawing more attention to it with this posting? Because Mistress is upset and my debasement amuses Her. I am hoping that a 'voluntary' debasement will amuse Her more. The ache to please her abates a little when I imagine the corners of her mouth turning up slightly in a smirk; Her smile fills me with joy;  but I am immediately sad again; I am just selfish - as I need Her pleasure for my own.

2/1/2009 4:59:29 AM
Every time I edge, I have a fustrating and painful relief but it is very short-lived and only makes my miserable, underlying need all the greater.

2/1/2009 4:57:40 AM

I feel as though I am a player in a re-creation of Dante’s Divine Comedy? My Mistress is the Divine.. and I am the Comedy. And yet she cares even through her laughter. I haven’t yet begun to work out our kinky equivalent of the various levels: 9 Circles of Hell, 7 Terraces of Purgatory and 9 Spheres of Heaven. I have descended so far that I can’t remember the last time I saw light from the surface. My Mistress asked me the last time I’d had a guilt free and ‘unleashed’ wank; I can’t remember. I think it was October or November.

Last weekend we shared a beautiful moment: She was telling me what was going to happen to me ; my mind, my hormones were responding physically to events in my minds eye; I recall feeling the blissful relief when She kissed my bound body and finally removed the infernal chastity cage so I could expand - at last; then I was overwhelmed by immediate and irrational panic, screaming “No, No, NO!!“ - it was too easy - “Please put me back in the cage…“; She smiled as she produced the needles for my piercing. Was that one Sphere of Heaven or a Circle of Hell?

In response to all that, I was edging myself. I was so close. She said I could cum if I did so from humping the floor. 10 desperate minutes I was soft and ordered to re-cage if I didn’t need it badly enough. A Terrace of Purgatory?

On Monday 26th I lost my prick. I now have a clit. A leaking, drizzling little clit.

On Thursday 29th I was to intermittently edge and let go. My arse filled with a vibe on full. I was allowed to cum if I could do so purely from fucking my arse - whilst watching a video of a bitch giving the most sadistic hand job I have ever seen. I’m ashamed how desperately I fought to cum that way. Yet later in the evening I needed to make three more ass filled edges as punishment for too much self-stimulation in the morning - I was flicking through new pics of my Mistress. The last edge upset me so much: I came. There was no orgasm - in my misery, I had painfully choked that off for Her (though I nearly failed in even that task) - but cum poured out of my clit I didn’t have anything to lick from so caught it in a tissue. I knew it was wrong; I know I always have to lick up afterwards; Mistress says I have to have my plate ready at all times or use my hand. I don’t know what is worse, knowing that I will do that for Her, or telling everyone on cm that I will do it. Another Circle of Hell - possibly more than one.

I thought I was ready for where my Mistress was taking me: a cum-licking , lingerie-wearing whore, who will cum only through orgasmless arse fucking (unless I can get the floor humping to work)… but she threw in something unexpected yesterday: now I have to beg to edge. I have to beg to make myself miserable. Edging was a punishment but having descended several more levels, it had become a support for me - a source of pleasure. My Mistress has removed support, that easy pleasure. I’m barely hanging on by my fingertips… and I have just felt my Mistress prising off another finger.


2/1/2009 3:20:59 AM
I am a trophy for my Mistress and don't know whether to feel shame from such unwanted publicity regarding my nature, or proud that I am the trophy. I think on it at length and pride wins out... just. Its certainly a very uncomfortable feeling that there are more sub men looking at my profile than Domme women but then now I have what I need, I am just here to give Her what She desires.

She is very much a Just Mistress: My pride should only 'just' be greater than my humiliation (usually); My humiliation should only 'just' be greater than my fear (sometimes); My need to please Her must 'just' be greater than my need to cum (ALWAYS).

1/24/2009 5:46:20 AM
Submission is liberation. Oh sure there is bondage: She locks up my cock, collars my balls, sucks me into immobility with a vac bed but THEN She can go to work in tearing down all those walls to uncover that delicate soul. She tenderly pulls it out of me - fear arrests my breathing and your heart slows to a stop - she cups it in the palm of Her hand. It would be so easy to crush. Then She locks  it away somewhere safe. My blood begins moving and I breathe again. The physical bondage is removed and She challenges me. I feel more free than ever to respond. It is easier than before. When I am true to this, my soul warms, humming in Her sex and it is all the pleasure I need to see Her glow.

1/18/2009 3:27:29 PM
So very easy. Just step outside of her control… and make myself cum. Just once. That’s all. I just need the one. For now. Freedom from her control. No having to slut-dress before every pleasure. No having to lick up after every pleasure. No having to edge beforehand to the point where the need is so intense that its over before I can enjoy it. Just a plain and simple orgasm… on MY own terms - FINALLY.

She wouldn’t know... Ok she would , but I can be honest: "I was weak, but I’m so sorry and it won’t happen again."

But then that's the problem. If it can happen once, it can happen again. Some doors, once opened, can never be closed again. If I open that door, I will lose Her. And much as I resent that collar and chain of hers at times, (how I HATE having to lick up afterwards - why I can't I just be allowed to enjoy it with no conditions attached!) I know I need Her so much more than I need to please myself. 

1/14/2009 12:06:34 AM

This morning, I was allowed to make myself cum. I couldn’t get to sleep last night for thinking about it. Rampant edging in the slutty clothes which I was required to wear probably hadn’t helped. By the time I turned in, I felt I could have cum simply from hearing my Mistress tell me to. I lay restlessly wide awake for 2 hours before finally getting back up at 2am for my reward.

For someone who was so averse to the things to begin with, I couldn’t get into the stockings and suspenders quickly enough. I was already hard but the feeling of them turned that rigidity up several notches. I still resent my body’s appreciative response to them but I was too needy to worry about it and completed the set (and capped the need) when red lace thong slid up between my clenched, tense buttocks. I instantly pulled myself out and began edging while forcing my rear to relax enough to accept a greased, hard intruder.

I had promised my Mistress that I would edge 6 times and then take as long as possible afterwards: Edge……… edge…edge…edge edge edge. Oh SO close! But the thing filling me hadn’t been on! Dammit! I turned on the vibrator and began again. Wooo - TOO MUCH! I turned it down a little.

Edge..

Edge NO!.. I leaked and only just managed to get the plate underneath me in time to catch the run.

Edge NO! Clench! Phew - no climax. Oh WOW. My prick was a broken tap. The cum was pouring out. And POURING out!

Edg-WHERE’S THE EDGE GONE?!!! I stroked and rubbed and pulled and tugged in a desperate and frantic search for the enormous wave I had been riding and found… NOTHING! WHERE’S MY ORGASM?!!! (Had My Mistress’s daily demand for me to pull myself back from the edge of climax, morning and evening, finally conditioned me into orgasmless cumming?!!!) MISTRESS!!!

I thought I knew misery, until I looked down at the plate full of pleasureless cum waiting for my queasy and unready tongue. Loathe to begin, I stared at the unbidden milk in despair for an age before I felt my Mistress’s displeasure at my hesitancy building as a pressure on the back of my neck, forcing my nose down into the odious fluid, so I could bend down like a dog and clear the plate for Her.

That was five and a half hours ago. I’m desperate to cum! :((


1/13/2009 2:43:56 PM
Mistress is away and I need to dress as Her slut to edge in the evenings. Edge but not finish. Not yet. Edge at least once.

Misery!!!


Why?

Well aside from Her being away... imagine a chocoholic finally showing the strength to please someone they care for by promising to abstain from the chocolate they love as their new year's resolution. The object of their desires decides to support them by setting them a regime of physical exercise instead. It begins with at least 1 lap of a pool... that they have filled with liquid Lindt.

1/10/2009 10:09:27 AM
"A man should [always] be desperate to cum, and beg as such. Yet his desperation to please Me should always be greater... but only by the slimmest margin."

MistressCara (Paraphrased)

1/7/2009 4:38:59 PM

Years ago, when I first felt myself getting aroused at the story of a dominant women controlling a man, I felt shame: society appreciates strength and frowns on innate submission such as mine - especially in men.

The feelings of embarrassment, shame and inferiority in my kink have remained and so I often avoid my submission - I cannot luxuriate in it. I daren't. When my Mistress gives me no choice but to face it, I avoid admitting how I am. When I admit it, I word the events in such a way as to make them seem as though the slave were someone other than me. I fear my Mistress for making me confront it, and yet I love Her for the same reason. She uses it, degrading me, pushing past previously un-breached limits.

I demean myself, buying and dressing in lingerie for Her, despite my insistence that I do not wish to (or more likely because of it); I consume my own cum upon Her first such request, and barely days after putting it on my “limits“ list; I do so, on my hands and knees, licking from a plate. She points to my hardness when dressed for Her, the speed with which I cum on Her word (even when knowing the consequences if I do). She tells me that deep down, I must want to dress like a slut and lick up cum like a dog, with my arse high in the air as though waiting for a fucking. I deny it all!

For the next degradation, She has my arse filled whilst so dressed, and I seem to cum even faster before the now obligatory licking. She asks me how I can deny that this is what I want: to be a cum-licking whore. I splutter a riposte. Then she asks me why I didn’t refuse, or run, or even delay at any time. I point to the chains binding me. I'm stunned. She used none. Deliberately so. She laughs.

I look at Her in misery. I feel sick and begin to shake with cold, naked terror. I begin to strip off the ‘contagious‘, slutty clothes and to remove the plug in my arse but with no more than a stern expression, She shakes her head; Her ratchet control denies me the succour of withdrawing to a safer depth, not now She has taken me this low. The journey is one way. Her way. She opens her arms to me and after a short pause (paws?), I run into them for solace - and oxygen - a slut, sobbing my heart out as I cleave to Her breast for comfort... and acceptance.


1/5/2009 11:46:22 PM
HMV (Part 2):

"Next time we speak and you want to cum, you'll have to bark for it, like the cum-licking dog you are."


1/5/2009 3:58:03 PM

HMV: His Mistress’s Voice (Part 1):
I heard my Mistress for the first time last night, during a chat session on cam. “How are you? Cup of tea? Milk or cream?“ Not a bit of it! “Why are you naked? You know the rule: When you edge for me, you are to be wearing stockings, suspenders and your red lace thong! You enjoyed buying them, didn’t you, whore! Now DRESS!“

“Scones or buns? Battenburg? I have Dundee cake in the oven.“ Hardly! “That’s better, my slut but I think you need more practice! See! You were lying; look how excited you are to be wearing your pretty clothes! Now lube your arse. Fuck yourself. More! No, keep it inside. Pull yourself out of the panties and edge for me! Again! Again! Again! You don‘t last long do you! It’s only been 17 days since you last came. It looks very cold in your place!”

“Mistress! Pleeeeease…”

“You NEED to cum? You didn’t need it so much until you were dressed up with your arse filled. Well you know the rules about cleaning up after yourself… yes, you may… slowly.”

“I like it when you beg, when you moan and whimper... while you slurp! Thank you for coming. It wasn’t very slow though, was it. You licked the plate clean, puppy. I almost came just from watching you. But don’t EVER delay that long before licking up again! If you think THIS was degrading…. ha ha... is that you getting hard again for me, slut?”


12/31/2008 2:13:20 AM
I look at my earlier journals - the ones in black rather than red. They were more cerebrally observational. Now the entries are posted from a position of experience of genuine submission; they are more devotional, sensational and carnal in nature. How I have fallen. How I have fallen under Her. I feel myself wanting to bore everyone with how lucky I feel.

12/31/2008 1:49:10 AM

I have just returned from a walk in the park. I felt a constant caress around my thighs, though primarily behind them. All other sensations, also filtered through shame and embarrassment, were focused on my rear. Cross-dressing is NOT my thing. I am adamant about that!! (Check my interests.)

I WAS adamant about that... at least I think…

As I walked, I felt the thong riding uncomfortably up my cleft; I was regularly clenching at the irritation. The suspenders were a constant source of stimulation as they pressed insistently into, and rubbed across, my arse cheeks as I walked. And the small thong struggled to contain my humiliating excitement. Though I wore these under normal clothes, I couldn't look anyone in the eye and sped up as anyone neared me.

My Mistress has moulded me into Her cross-dressing creation. She has even decreed that I am free to touch myself but only if so attired - what a choice!; but now I am thinking, worrying, FEARING… that She has moulded me no more than a Sculptor forces Her will upon the stone; that Sculptor is said to merely uncover the form that is trying to break free and express itself. And yet if that is true, why do I still feel the embarrassment and the shame… with the leaking hardness?


12/21/2008 4:44:25 AM
The foundation of D/s is trust. It was whilst clinging on to that thought, for dear life, that I gave My Mistress the key to my door.

12/20/2008 12:55:22 AM
Is topping from the bottom done by subs / slaves who just cannot surrender the control that they supposedly want to relinquish, or does it reflect an inability to plan and communicate?

If you know yourself, if you set hard limits, if you distinguish between hard and soft limits, if you are honest and open with your Domme about them... and if you don't get too carried away with things, then will you, as a sub / slave, ever need to try to top from the bottom? Why would you ever want to?


12/18/2008 3:32:22 PM
Owned by the amazing MistressCara.

12/17/2008 11:33:42 PM
Edging morning and evening for my Mistress - release is only intermittent and only with permission in advance. Last night I edged too far and ended up clenching through an orgasm. The orgasm had no pleasure - my Mistress hadn't willed it and Her control seems to have reached that depth at least - but it caused a fine spray of cum to spurt, painting the room in front of me. I was horrified at what I had done and woke up in a sweat. Even now I know it was only a dream, I don't feel any relief. I am filled only with the memory of the lack of the pleasure, the fear of going too far... and the frustration..

12/14/2008 4:40:29 AM

Time and tide, shame and pride,
Elemental run and hide.
Base and feral, slave in peril,
Staring down a double barrel.
On his knees, whimpering pleas.
Grab his balls and slowly squeeze.


“Spurt your load you filthy toad,
Or stop and take another road.”
Hand round prick. Two strokes quick.
“On all fours! Arse high! LICK!”
Trapped and tied by Dominant guide,
Begging, crawling, he prayed and cried


Eyes bore deep through the blubbering heap.
“Eat your cum and I’ll let you sleep.”
Lick his juice to feel Her noose,
Or forever be a sad lost goose.
Run and hide, shame and pride,
Disgust and need will all collide.

 
Sharp deep breaths, a little death,
Then bow and lick for Lady Macbeth.
Her hands on hips. Unexpected script.
Viscous cum dribbling from animal lips.
Tears well up in her obedient pup.
A pulse of pleasure flows from her cup.


“Well done my slave you were very brave,
I wont forget how tonight you gave.
You will know I broke you, set you free.
With every such break you belong to me.”
Time and tide, shame and pride,
Denial, resistance all subside.


12/13/2008 2:44:52 AM
When yin and yang are in harmony, a person is whole and their moves seamless; body, mind, spirit and heart are connected and flow as one.

But both yin and yang (vanilla and kink) need to be in balance within themselves.  Vanilla should be easier since most of our formative years were spent there but unravelling the mess that is kink... well! Sometimes it needs to get messier before it can become aligned.

When they are independently in tune with themselves and with each other, you will be a different person. Your yin-yang symbol will change from two separate colours to a single-coloured circle. But many don't want to make that final change. Fear of finding they are something else entirely holds them back.

Does a phoenix fear change...

[What AM I smoking to write all this stuff!!!?]

12/5/2008 2:28:47 PM

Are you a little ‘ship‘?

Fantasies can be heady but they are as nothing to those who have lived, or are living, their dreams. It is easy to imagine how you might feel if your fantasies were to be realised but listen to those who know. Few who really know will share what it is to be truly owned by, or to truly NEED their Domme. There is an intimacy that transcends the sexual and strikes so deep, that it wrenches at the very core of your soul; it is not unlike love, just as profound but on a different plane altogether, an alta-love. You cannot describe it; it must be felt; it must be lived! Are you brave enough to live your life?

“A ship in a harbour is safe, but that is not what ships are for.”

John A. Shedd.


11/27/2008 11:07:58 AM
Evidence of the intelligence of women over men is there for all to see in Collarme - there are just so many men on the site pretending to be women in order to 'get' women. 

1. Women don't tend to do that because they are smart enough to be themselves. (Though if you know of any women pretending to be a man to get a man, I'd like to hear about it.)

2. Women are there to be desired / needed. Men less so, or so it seems. (Either that or women are just a lot less desperate.)

3. Why do so many men want to be women? Is it breast envy? Or simply that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery?

11/1/2008 2:34:05 AM

What follows seems to be written in a detached manner. I can assure you that I was PAINfully aware of just how attached everything was!

There is a reflex in men which feels a little (at least internally) like holding yourself back from peeing. This reflex gives a 'kick' to the erection; making it bounce up and even swell slightly. It is an instinctive reflex, regular and common during stimulation on the way to orgasm, and also during mornings. It was this which woke me.

The discomfort of the ball trap chastity cage is not from the prick but from the balls. A swelling prick, pointing down, brings those balls relentlessly with it - the tube and ball trap rings move as one unit. When the prick is engorged, the balls are pulled down well into the zone of discomfort and the scrotum is drum skin tight. The last thing you want to do is make that cock bigger... or longer. That's a tall order first thing in the morning.

I lay on my back taking short slow breaths as I brought the natural inclination to swell myself, via that reflex, under some kind of conscious control. Finally my breathing relaxed a little but no sooner had it done so when my mind was instantly and unexpectedly overwhelmed, tsunami-like, by an image of her kneeling above me and lowering her naked, wet lips onto my mouth to both drown me and suffocate what little breath I had left. I had no chance. The pain in my balls was intense and I lunged for the key, finally taking the infernal thing off! I had spent the night and (not-really) slept in it. 4 hours of fitful sleep ended in pain an hour ago and I have been hard ever since.

A final word: If you genuinely want a Domme to remove the option of that key first thing in the morning, then you really MUST be a sub. But I can strongly recommend some cold soothing cream for your balls each morning and taken 4 times daily, and at least a week off work to acclimatise… and to get over the 24/7 chastity equivalent of jet lag.


4/13/2008 12:33:49 AM
"Tribute required."

Users of the word 'tribute' seem to have grown exponentially on this site. I wonder if we might have a "No Tribute Required" day, just to balance things out a bit.

Did you know the word 'tribute' has the same origins as the word 'tribe' and probably relates to the number 3? 'Trinity' has similar origins and features in 'The Matrix'.  A matrix is a web-like structure and webs are used by predators to trap unsuspecting creatures.  I admit the links are a bit contrived but my use of the word 'contrive' (v. to plan with evil intent) is also deliberate.

Do think of all this the next time you are considering the payment of a 'tribute' and ask yourself two questions: 1. Does this person deserve to get something for doing nothing and 2. How much respect do I have for myself.

Addressing these problems, along with the almost instinctive inability for a person to take responsibility for their own actions would go a long way to healing problems in society. And those three issues bring us neatly back to where we began this tirade... or should that be a 'tri-ade'?

9/17/2007 11:42:14 PM
Chaste online but no self-control offline. Curses! "Clearly the poor boy needs help."

9/13/2007 1:02:57 PM
Oxymoron: "This is how you have to dominate me." (Clearly some who say they are sub doesn't quite know the truth.)

9/12/2007 2:39:12 PM
As I was going to the Fayre;
I met a Domme with no hair 'there'.
Her keyring carried seven keys;
For seven slaves all on their knees.
Seven rings upon each slave;
Piercings make sure they behave;
With chastity belts they avoid temptation
And butt plugs set on high vibration
Amuse the Domme - She 'feels' their need:
Male slaves wanting to spill their seed;
Females wanting their locked fronts filled.
Each subservient to Her glorious will.
I freeze - my desire in Her firm hand;
A needle threads the happy gland.
"Now you're mine... and no more playing";
I didn't hear what she was saying
Til She called me "... Number 8...
... if, before your swelling abates:
Lips, tits, clits and cocks,
How many rings on those I've locked?"







9/6/2007 11:37:48 PM
I wonder if we can get a rating system on this site, like EBay. If correspondence from a sub consists of not much more than "Will u domme me coz I is a sub who wot luvs 2 submit 2 dominant women + I will du wot u say." then they can be given the lowest 'waster' rating. Poor spelling; text speak; lack of imagination; someone who is focused on what THEY want rather than the Domme... It should take 4 or 5 ratings before an average is applied, in order to give newbies a first chance, to give crap subbies a chance to learn the error of their ways and to allow for the fact that sometimes a Domme just isn't in a good mood - why the hell should She be. Easier said that done, but if it could be, a Domme could apply a rating filter to their emails. Then all we'd need to worry about is how to stop pseudo subs from opening a new account every 4 or 5 emails. Easy peasy? Maybe not.

8/15/2007 10:54:39 PM
Humiliation is many things: it's a demonstration of power and control; it's a threat to remind the sub of his / her place; it is an advertisement to others; but is it and should it be a test of a relationship?
Imagine the couple are at home, entertaining some of Her friends. He is asked to do the washing up. He leaves for the kitchen and She tells Her friends that he only gets to have sex if he's good - she holds up a small key and winks. It takes them a while to realise what she is talking about but when they do, they don't believe Her - he's too big and strong. When he arrives a little later to serve up tea and coffee, She takes a cup and saucer, and a teaspoon - as if to serve up - and quickly turns to rap the spoon on his metallic groin. Her friends laugh as the two metals connect. He goes beet red and runs back into the kitchen to hide. Is that healthy for a relationship? Wouldn't it have been far far better if he had simply served up tea and coffee in a fully stockinged french maid's outfit voluntarily? Then she would only need have lifted his short apron to reveal the device on his bare groin and so avoid damaging one of the good spoons.

4/6/2007 2:44:16 AM
I dream of a Domme who will restrain and take me after asking me to consent to PA. It will heighten my pleasure, She says. Milked for the next 3 months whilst healing (She says it takes that long) I look forward to her taking my newly ringed innocence. When She finally does, I experience nirvana... but before I am through, She is, and applies a Lori tube. She says my pleasure is Hers and She likes me on edge. She was the last to take me whole and the first to take my hole.

1/18/2007 3:28:31 PM
I've just had a short but lovely email exchange with a kind stranger who wished nothing but to bid me well. Wouldn't the world be a better place if more people simply wanted to wish others well - say hello, wish someone well and expect nothing in return. May we all aspire to such lofty ideals; I may fail on occasion but I hope I try (hopefully without being too trying or tiring). Thank you Ma'am and I hope you find what you are looking for.

1/6/2007 2:25:20 AM
Today I am sad. I tried to express empathy with someone, for a time in their life that they seem to miss but it was clearly misplaced because I caused offence. Now I have no way to reach them to say I am sorry. If they read my profile, then I just want to say thank you, I wish you well and I will heed your advice. I truly hope you find your heart's desire.
xx


12/20/2006 11:42:43 PM
Tribute for online training? NO!

This Christmas, give everyone a present, including you:
- Don't give anyone any money
- Be honest with yourself (as far as you can) and be just as honest with others.
- Don't give anyone any money
- Don't waste their time with unwanted correspondence.
- Don't give anyone any money
- Read an entire profile before writing to someone and make sure you match their criteria
- Don't give anyone any money
- Accept people as they are and don't think that although you're not what they want, you will be able to 'persuade' them otherwise
- Don't give anyone any money
- Take a look at yourself, pause, and decide what it is that will please you (and others) without lying, cheating, paying...

Let's all spend 2007 just a little bit more grown up. (Me included)

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

12/9/2006 12:21:34 AM

Hmmmm... looks like 95% of the new Dominas on this site are "online only", with no webcam and all MUST have lots and lots of "tribute". We also have men pretending to be women, people putting up pictures of others they have found on the web and so many spelling and grammar errors I have lost count. Every now and then, however, a little light shines through the murk and you chance upon a genuine person who is worth knowing.


10/15/2006 5:37:40 AM
Aaaaargh - too many spelling and grammar errors on this site!!!
I realise that many of these are from the foreign fakes who are looking for poor fools who will give them money for nothing, but for the genuine people out there, I just wish they knew their "they're" from their "there" and their "your" from "you're".  Whatever happened to 'grammatical attitude'? (Hmmmm... a sub with a grammatical attitude... interesting). Maybe it left us around the same time as the powdered egg or the ration book.

10/7/2006 11:28:34 PM

I saw a T-Shirt the other day: it had an old style record player with one disc on the turntable and a smaller one by the side. The caption read

"12 inch and single"

My profile doesn't say that - I prefer to speak the truth... I can't help it if I'm ony 11". Afterall, isn't it best if that is known BEFORE I'm locked up? :))


3/4/2006 1:56:28 AM
8 out of 10 women, who expressed a preference, say I'm good-looking, intelligent and articulate but too keen on giving oral pleasure.

10/8/2005 2:53:57 PM

Not looking at present but thank you for the 100+ emails a day from Dommes wanting me to sub to them: I appreciate the interest and I'm sorry to disappoint.


10/3/2005 9:59:30 PM
I tend to get a kinky scenario, toy or person stuck in my mind for a few days or weeks, and then I move on. The current one involves a locked leather collar with a pair of (similar) cuffs which are held together on a short chain through a D-ring in the front of the collar. The hope that the restriction is limited, and that the device still affords some freedom, is made false by the shortness of the chain. What sweet torment there is in false hope.

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onecuriouskitty
 
 Age: 24
  Colorado