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Married men redux:
I'll say it again.
One of my best doms ever was (is) married. He's also remained a near and dear friend to me to this day and, I hope, in the years to come. However, the relationship ended because I was unable to handle the marital status. Not his fault! (Don't ask me who he is; I won't tell, but he is one of the greatest human beings on this planet - a Mensch!). In everything except time, he was completely open with and available to us as a couple.
There are many worthy kinksters who are married. I met one of the worthiest. Anyone who says anything different? I tell you, there are numerous reasons, valid, supportable, loving, why people stay in their vanilla marriages and seek kink outside of the marriage. I respect that. This is my trip, my issue, not theirs.
However:
It's no longer from me, being the submissive to a married Dominant. I learned from my experience, and how poorly I handled it, and how I walked into that relationship with my eyes wide open - that was my responsibility, from the start. I will not pass judgement on those who are married. It's just that this is no longer for me.
I need someone with time-availability, someone for whom relationship-discretion is not an issue. Someone with whom I can spend important holidays, including his birthday and New Year's Day. (Unless, of course, he is with his children, or is working - another story; family and work must come first.)
So, please, read this - no married men! Please, married-types, use your free time to seek a sub who can handle it. I can't (other than a friendship, with no play, no sex). |
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All is well. Instructor and I seem to have resolved things. He is a forgiving person. He even asked my opinion on one aspect of the course structure.
I am the daughter of a professor myself. Therefore, I'm sure there's a bit of an Oedipal thing going on (Dr. Freud, are you out there on this Website?). The only authority figures I want to please are teachers and dominants.
I have low blood pressure. During the difficult week, I wasn't drinking enough water, nor consuming enough salt. I'm sure that affected my mood, and made me turn green for much of the week. My behavior is my responsibility, not my vascular system's, but, as they say, healthy mind, healthy body. The reverse is also true. |
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The backstory ...
When I was 5 (yes, 5) I walked to school every morning with a neighbor. The days when parents sent their 5 year olds to walk without adults to school. One day, in the middle of the year, I came down with a majorly case of shyness, and didn't pick up my friend, but went straight to school. I was punished for it, because my mom was embarrassed by my behavior (she allowed herself to get embarrassed by small children, go figure). Mom made me apologize to friend and to friend's family for something that wasn't my fault - a 5-year-old's shyness.
Since then, I vowed not to abase myself when a grown-up or authority figure was disappointed (except ... except ... in M/s relationships), least of all another woman - I don't take well to being ordered around by women.
I think professor has chosen his favorite for the semester, it's not me (she stole my crown), and what if I have to be nice to her for the next four months? I'd ignore her, but ... he's in there on the discussion board, too. I just I'll just stay in the class, and do the assignments on time, and mourn just a little that I am no longer the class princess.
Also, he's a good man, a kind man, and this is my second temper tantrum this week. Ahhh, reader, I am a high-maintenance student. And I've never done well when forced to get along with groups.
But frankly, I don't think her discussion posts are all that great.
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SAM days ... aye de mi!
It's not even 2 weeks into the semester, and I already messed up.
The fact is, I have very green eyes, and green monsters live in every cell of my body. There's a new student in my class with a professor I've had before. She rapidly became one of his favorites. That's how it seems through green lenses, but I know I could be totally wrong, because I really dig this instructor. In fact, if someone else were teaching this class, as intriguing as the subject is, I probably wouldn't be taking it, an undergrad-credit only class, not now, anyway, when I have a thesis to write just a few months down the road (or a year or two, I hardly know at this point). But the subject is fascinating ... and so is he.
I know the way I am. He doesn't need a pouty student. And I have been pouty for a week.
We have this online discussion board we have to post on every week, and we can, if we want, reply to others. Well, I slammed her post (intellectually) - but good! - and Professor didn't like that, and I only slightly modified it after that. I told him I'd take down the post if he wanted me too, and he hasn't replied to that. I guess he's waiting for me to take it down on my own, only now I can't - it's become a Morton's Fork. Because he replied to my post, and his post won't make sense with mine there. And I don't think he has a function key for deleting mine, only his own.
Honestly, I totally disagreed with the premise in her post (a way to look at history). But I could have been gentler on her. And if I want this professor to continue to take note of me as a student, as he's been doing all along, I am being self-destructive because my green eyes will blind him and make him turn away from me.
I blew it. The question is, do I drop the class, when it is such a cool subject?
Oh, professor-crushes (me on them) make me crazed! To make matters worse, he's a kind soul, and I have been behaving like a witch - twice in as many days.
I'm f**cked, because when it comes to academia, I have very green eyes.
I'll lay low the rest of the semester, only writing my own posts. But I'm not going to kiss my co-student's ass.
It's an online class, so everything is by post and email, so it's hard to tell someone's tone of voice. And he's teaching, like moretahn five (!) classes this semester, so it's hard to reach him by phone to clarify matters. Like, I was being a bitch, and I know it, and I've been snowballing (not heroin - my behavior).
There's the submissive in me - bratty and pouty for attention, then mortified when it's too later to do anything. |
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Dear kind people, doms and subs and switches, men and women alike, those looking for a sub and those looking for another platonic sub friend (subs can always use D/s friends not involving play):
I will respond to all email. Today and tomorrow are a little busy, but I will reply, I promise. No email will be deleted until I read and reply to it. Please be patient with me; no disrespect is intended.
Thank you,
Cath |
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I love wearing high heels and short, short skirts (with my garters peeking out) for my man. I have a strong exhibitionist streak, so if he wants me to play dress-up in public for him, I'd be delighted!
But I know so little about corsets, and would love to be trained in the art of wearing them. I have this little dream of being required to be in a corset almost all the time, except when bathing, or swimming by a public beach. |
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I am a "daughter of the sea." I could never fully, in my heart of hearts, serve a Master who is an inlander. Please reside in a coastal state, or no more than three hours from the ocean.
Thank you,
Cath
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To the married man who writes:
I wish you the best in finding a worthy submissive. I have had three of the best Doms in the whole wide world; they happen to have vanilla wives. Wonderful, wonderful men, both. Worthy Masters, any sub would give her eye teeth to have either of them. But by disclosure I have an attachment issue, in that I don't share well. I do understand that circumstances keep you married, including love and honor, and lifelong and profound friendship, for the woman you love - and the family you are raising with her.
I can't be there for you, but please know that I respect your choice to seek needs, desires, that cannot be fulfilled in your home. I neither judge nor dishonor your choice. I just can't be your sub.
Thank you,
Cath
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