Collarspace.com
Home
Home
Browse Profiles
Browse
Collarspace Video
Live
Dating
Dating
Collarspace News
News
Alt
Alt
Advertising
Advertising
Safety
Safety
Extreme Restraints
Toys
Discussion Forums
Forums
Friends
Friends
Resources
Resources
Welcome to Collarspace
Welcome
Join Collarspace
Join
Login
Login
Vertical Line
Sakura

CarolineFarrell

Back
Back
Interests
  Interests
Join

CarolineFarrell

Friends:
stljohnaregularguy
darkmaster232
yrmaster1
SemiTraditional
Hi! ? I'm a submissive law school student with some RL experience. ? I'm not a typical masochist, in that I don't enjoy pain for its own sake. However, I love submitting to a sadist. Somewhere along the line, submission and pain became linked. Even though pain itself is not enough for me, I won't be happy with someone who is merely Dominant; they must be a sadist as well. My long term goal is marriage to a sadistic dominant. With that sentence, I probably made 99% of people looking at this page click the back button! Ha, oh well... I'm looking for someone near my age (32 or under). ? On the vanilla side of life, I love geeky pursuits like writing sci-fi and fantasy fan-fiction, watching TV shows and movies, such as Being Human or Firefly re-runs, reading the Game of Thrones series (A Song of Ice and Fire), attending Chicago Comic-Con, and more. I also love horseback riding, volunteering, travel, psychology, and too many things to list here. If you're interested, send me a PM!

I've been hesitant to post this journal here, but I decided no harm could come of it, since I seriously need to accept myself or I can't have a lasting relationship.

Sometimes my kinks make me hate myself.

 

Sometimes I make myself sick. Why did this preview make me smile?! I feel like that is so wrong. :(

Law and Order episode 15x01 preview: http://vimeo.com/72981112

All the comments are saying, "Oh no! Olivia! #savebenson" I'm thinking, "Yes! FINALLY! I hope she gets raped."

I find real rape and abuse abhorrent. I also find it difficult to accept my love of rape/non-consensual torture or kidnapping scenes. I just find it hard to reconcile the ideas that have been drummed into me since childhood, like "No means No", "Never leave your drink", "Never leave a bar with a stranger/stay with friends", "Be alert", "Scream and fight, never let a kidnapper take you away from the scene", "Don't drink too much", "if a man hits you, leave him", "rape is evil", etc.... with the thoughts and feelings in my head. The level of violence I enjoy bothers me, but what bothers me the most is my fascination with consent (or lack thereof). It makes me feel guilty. I suppose I'm lucky I'm not on the sadistic side of the same equation; I'd probably feel even worse about it.

 

 

*edited to add* I guess it is the violence is more important than I thought because I remembered reading a study about rape fantasies. The study said they were relatively common. However, most were termed "seduction" fantasies because what they really involved was the person being unwilling at first and then becoming willing. It was rare for women to include more violence than what was necessary to gain compliance. Therefore, the level of violence I know I enjoy from past BDSM experience coupled with the non-consent issue is the real problem.



**SPOILERS**



*
*
*
*
*



I just watched the first hour of the 2 hour premiere and... that episode was a HUGE freaking let down!!!!!!! NO torture scenes, NO rape, only taunting about torture that was off screen. sigh I missed Criminal Minds for this! >:(

I'm feeling very impulsive. Too bad it is 2:30 am and any sadists around here are asleep. (Blo-no area - I forgot to change my location)

Academia + BDSM = ...interesting ;)

I cannot vouch for the validity of the first one. I found it on Google Scholar, as opposed to my school's library search engine which allows you to filter results by academic peer-reviewed journal. However, it is, well, interesting!

Partner Selection, Power Dynamics, and Sexual Bargaining in Self-Defined BDSM couples

Hormonal Changes and Couple Bonding in Consensual Sadomasochistic Activity

 

 

Semi(?)- Graphic Original Vignette

 

I’m walking back to the dorm from the library at 1 am. I think I hear footsteps behind me; when I look back no one is there. I tell myself I’m just paranoid from being hyped up on caffeine, but I move a little quicker. I’m only 20 feet from the building door when a rag covers my mouth and nose. I’m unconscious before I can scream properly.

I can’t see anything when I emerge from the void of unconsciousness. For a moment fear shoots through me, I’m afraid whatever drug made me pass out also blinded me. Then I realize…I have a blindfold on. Manacles bite into my flesh, holding my arms behind my back. Cold concrete makes goose bumps on my bare flesh and when my head stops throbbing, I notice pressure in my ass. I can feel warm liquid in my bowels and I realize the pressure is a butt-plug holding it in. I begin crawling on my knees, trying to find a wall or anything to help me get a sense of the room. I freeze when a hand suddenly caresses my face. Another hand attaches a leash to the leather collar around my neck and then metal clamps on my nipples.

“On your feet”, an unfamiliar voice commands, as the leash is yanked upward. When the leash is pulled, the clamps stretch my areolar and I grunt in pain. I get on my feet as quickly as possible and jump to keep up as he starts walking away. A door opens and he takes my shoulder and sits me down on a toilet. “Bend over.” Once my head is between my legs he takes out the plug and I feel immediate relief as the liquid rushes out of my colon.

A minute later I stiffen when he touches me. “Relax; I’m just cleaning you off.”

“I can do that!” A backhanded blow lands across my face so hard I fall over and land on the sink counter.

As I use my shoulder to push myself upright again, he responds, “DID I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO SPEAK BITCH?” I don’t respond so he hits me again. “Stupid bitch, I asked you a direct question!”

“No.” Another blow and now I can taste blood in my mouth.

“No, what?”                        

“No, Master?”

“Much better.” When he is done he stands up, washes his hands and yanks on the leash again. We go back to the other room. “On your knees” he commands pulling the leash down.  Sighing deeply, I kneel in front of him. I feel a strap on my face and cold metal pressed against my lips. “Open.” I turn my head away; in response, he kicks me in the stomach. I gasp for air and he takes advantage of my disorientation, shoving the ring gag into my mouth. Clearly he has had practice because he quickly fastens the straps behind my head. He unties my blindfold, stands up, lowers he pants and takes his dick out of his boxers. I turn my head again but he grabs my skull with both hands, turning my head back and shoves his manhood down my throat. I don’t do anything and he gets frustrated. “The longer you make me wait, the worse I’m going to beat you.” He digs his nails into my shoulder drawing blood, I start working my tongue since my lips are teeth are useless with the gag. As he grows hard, I start to gag, but he doesn’t draw away. He pulls me closer and I feel like I’m suffocating against his body as I continue to gag.

Fear is positively correlated with the rising acid in my throat. I’m afraid I won’t live if I throw up on him. I can’t help it; acid and food come up in my mouth. I pull my head back and he lets go. “I’M SORRY! PLEASE DON’T HURT ME!” I plead, or at least I try to through the gag.

“Clean me up.” He says a little too calmly. I stare at him, utterly revolted. “Do it!” he says as he unsheathes a knife from his belt. He raises his eyebrows questioningly. I lean forward and suck on him. Holding my head firmly and thrusting himself in and out of my unwilling throat; he grows hard again and explodes in me. He was so deep inside; I didn’t even have to swallow.

 I inhale deeply as he redresses. He smiles benevolently and reaches for a wash cloth to wipe away the spittle and puke on my chin. He brushes my hair gently with his fingers and then pats my head. “Good pet. You’ll learn to better please me. Lucky you, just looking into those fear filled green eyes makes me hard.” He undoes the gag and uses his thumb to wipe away my tears. This new side of him is jarring. I lean into his hand; I can’t control myself. I’m glad I made him happy. I tell myself I only want him to keep being nice, but deep down I know the truth. “Get on the bed.” I pause, reluctant to move. I knew this was coming, but I wasn’t ready. He motions toward the knife he had set down earlier. I get off my knees and dizzily stumble to the bed.

I lay there trembling as he gets totally naked. When his boxers are off, I start crying again. “Please don’t do this. I’ve never, you know…I can’t…”

“You can and you will my little slut.” He says sternly and he mounts me. He takes the leash and clamps away. I moan as blood rushes back into my nipples. I know the smart thing to do would be to stay still and let him have his way with me, but instinct kicks in. I start thrashing, but he is much bigger and his weight pins me to the bed. He uses his knees to spread my thighs even though I try to hold them together. 

“WAIT! Re…” But he stops my words with his mouth. He is still pushing his tongue in my mouth and he opens me for the first time. As he pounds he stops kissing me and I moan and then scream. It hurts so badly. He wraps his hands around my neck, cutting off the blood flow and my screaming stops as I slip into blackness.