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Seeking a FLR
i need an edge to any relationship that i am in
which is why i am on this site.
not exactly keen on pain but here i am none
the less
i am a pleaser, always have been
There must be an emotional connection to my
Mistress otherwise nothing works.The reason i
can submit to a beating is because it gives
pleasure to someone i care about or because
i have displeased some one i care about.
The prospect of a random beating or to be
taken with a strap on because my Mistress
wants to show her superiority pleases me
and keeps me on my toes in other areas of our life.
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The AMA have warned that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets/sleeping bag, extra clothing, 24-hour supply of food and drink, rock salt, torch, spare battery, petrol can, first aid kit and Jump leads.
I felt like a right idiot on the bus. |
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I won a music contest on the Radio yesterday. The prize was £50 at Marks and Spencers vouchers or two tickets to an Elvis Presley tribute act. Ah did'nt know whether to press "one for the money" or "two for the show." |
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A van has just arrived with a whole new kitchen for the neighbour but they're not home and the driver is locked out.
Let that sink in. |
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At a Costume party
Host: What are you?
Me: A harp
Host: Your costume's too small to be a harp.
Me: Are you calling me a lyre ? |
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I've just paid $600 for a sofa from a guy who plays drums and tambourines for a living.
- Percussion? -
No, for the whole thing. |
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."
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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
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Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland ‘
The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’
The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’
The other bloke answers, ‘I’m from Dublin , I am.’
The first one responds, ‘So am I!’
‘Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’
The other bloke says, ‘A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.’
The first one says, ‘Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?’
The other bloke answers, ‘Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.’ The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?’
The other bloke answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’
The first one exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!’
About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.
Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’
Vicky asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’
‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’ |
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A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club, so one day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.
She proclaims, “I want to join your club.”
The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join.
The biker asks, “Do you have a motorcycle?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep… my bike’s parked over there,” and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, “Do you drink?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep… drink like a fish. I’ll drink any man in your club under the table.”
The biker asks, “Do you smoke?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep… smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I’m shooting pool.”
The biker is very impressed and asks, “Last question…. have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, “Nope……but I’ve been swung around by my nipples a few times.”
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THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS
1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want mor |
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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the sidewalk! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping centre, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.
You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache."
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