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Things going on with me:
Going to school still.
Have my boyfriend still.
Struggling to find a job.
Atempting to get my own place and car...failing hard.
Well that about it right now so no one should be surpised about anything ok? Ok. Have a good day people of CM. |
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I have butterflies in my stomach for two reasons. My mind is flood with waves of thoughts that sends me adrift, my eyes are blurred cause I see he does check up on me yet I'm so afraid to look at his page to see what's there. I love him I do, I change and improve me myself to impress him, I grew and learned, and I feel I am ready, but...will he ever allow me?
To come back to CM is both exciting and heart wrenching, messages will be deleted from my inbox so I can start fresh. I'll try to be on as much as possible, but until finals are done I'll check in from time to time. Thank you for dealing with CM, thank.
Much love,
Karamu. |
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Had to deal with a dick dom on my messager...i'm tired, I feel like crying cause I let some ass get to me... |
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"true you cannot help being you..the best slaves are themselves and the best Masters understand that and nurture it." - wise friend, eagle.
(Now if only certain masters would take this to heart, seems like for some though this advise has come too late for them.) |
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Feeling a bit better then before studying for finals, much love CM. |
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I'm hurt and broke, my boyfriend is a failure, my old recent master serveme is getting a relationship and the one master I truely loved seems to send mix messages. I cried looking at his picture cause I miss him so I would change compeletly just to be on his good side again and next to his feet. But I don't think he'll give me the chance, I'm too afraid to even ask. I've always believed God had it out for me; it seems its all true to its word. |
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Lol I think this is funny, but people I do not have a master. Just saying it now cause others don't seem to get it that I don't :3 if I take so long to reply back to is because of inbox is flooded ugh... |
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totally bored right now...wish the master would text me, but I guess he's busy...guess i'll watch spartacus on dvd and eat my mini pizza..
11:54 and I'm still up watchin spartacus, pizza is gone but now its just really hot in the living D: |
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Using my new phone to type this. I don't really know what to say up again bored I rather not bother him since I know he works in the morning. Its seems my slavery has been put on hold and a lot of masters seem to see this as their chnace to pull me in. No doesn't work like that espically when you already have a slave; understand I don't work well with others...and I don't want to deal with you if your owning a slave that deals with my old master yet she is owned by my old master too? Is that even possibly to be owned and collared by two masters?? Well back to the sisutation of my on hold it seems I can look for a dom and serv him until I'm able to move closer to master. Only doms people...close by and I mean close to me cause I don't drive...well I'm going to sleep goodnight collarme peeps... |
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I caught myself thinking of my old master again and I had to beat down the emotions to keep from going into a rage or crying. Going to school is starting to suck really, it seem to handicap me from actually sticking to "able to relocate". But I really want to be a vet it has always been my dream since I was little. Once again I sit up here bored again, master may be awake, but I won't text him; he takes forever to text back. Even when we text it seems either i, him, or both have another to say. Where is the master I knew that coddled me when I was broken? |
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OH I'm so lonely! D:< when I'm up nearly all night I have no one to talk to. Master is sleep cause he has to work and my little bf is sleep cause he has school. I have school too, but I'm such a night owl that its hard to sleep! DX< This would be the time I should going out and doing stuff, but I don't have a car >8U and I wouldn't be able to escape mother's eagle gaze.
On another note something crosses my mind that I never thought about. I was just browering through profiles and I saw one slave saying her master wanted to retire from the lifestyle so he was releasing her. It got me thinking...what if MY master did that? how would I feel? I cried cause I know for a fact it would hurt, it would wound me deeply and I'll just break down. I kind of hope he doesn't, but if he do...well then I don't what I'll do.
would I or should I crawl back to my old master in hopes he'll take back now that I'm newly trained? but then again he might not so what do if my master every decides that plan...
I seriously don't know... |
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Topic for today: What do I think would be the perfect day of slavery to me?
8D I think this is fairly ease cause I've always wanted to do this! The perfect day would have to be on the day when master can or will sleep in. A day where I can show no self control with my need to have to masturbate or fuck hell let's make it on a full moon! The perfect day would start with me sneaking away to start the day of right with making breakfast for the master hoping he'll sleep through the smell. Then go back into master room, waking him up my way ;) a nice cock sucking so I can get my little breakfast before eating the real thing -two nuts and protein shake! 8D- and sort of stay by master side attempting to put his longish? hair in pigtails! <3
For the hell of it I would cause fun little chaos and trouble around the house half naked with nothing, but a t-shirt on just so I could feel master's heavy hand on the skin of my ass and maybe more...Since my perfect day is on a full moon I would want to work more on the behavior modification of seeing my self as a wolf er well more like a wolf in heat. I believe that would be the perfect day for me. :)
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Topic for today: What I think is the difference between a slave and a sub?
I thought I did I blog about this some time ago I seriously don't remember. I guess I think the difference is that a slave serves willing with a passion to please. A slave is completely transparent to her master he knows what she's doing and what she's thinking. She submits to him or her in order to feel protected, safe, and that someone is in charge which frees her of worrying about every little thing. She hides nothing from him, I believe sooner or later a slave would relocate to her master eventually.
I guess with a submissive seems more like a lover type thing. The submissive doesn't move with the master and the master doesn't own them so the master is free to have another lover or slave. he or she can live their lives being a normal person by day and a submissive by night. In the end a submissive is there for the control that he or she might be deprived of. I've never thought much about a submissive really. I don't know much :/ I guess this the end of the discussion on my topic for today. My name Karamu and I bid you far well.
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Another journal is progress, this morning tired and exhausted. kneeled for he min. of 5 minutes mostly spent that time staring at the floor drifting off and then just falling asleep on floor before text from master woke me up. School starts for me tomorrow I'm excited and nervous that this might affect my tasks we'll have to wait and see.
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I feel pretty good this morning from kneeling, it's my fault that I'm not making time for it. The tasks are simple I plan to do better starting today. hopefully master will be pleased.
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I'm failing miserable in my tasks and so I feel I will fail as a pet to master. I kneel every morning to breath and think, the next task on my mind but something always come up. How will I kneel in the morning when school starts? or post journals by 5? I need help. . . |
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Like every morning I kneel, but I little bit more happier then before. Master has decided to keep tab of things I fail. Scared that it will rack up to 200 hits. My ass will be blistered and red, won't be able to sit for days when it happens. Sad that I didn't get to see him today hopefully soon. Trying my best to better myself as a pet for master. |
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I kneeled this morning reading master email I printed out over and over again. I don't know if my punishment still going or not I can't tell. Master's sarcasm bit back hard this morning, made me feel bad and not hearing from him is painful too. I guess when master is ready, he'll talk to me... |
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awe fuck me I know I failed and is in trouble for not whiting before five. Kneeled this morning, it allowed me to breath and think over master's word that he sent to me in email. He was right and I've made the decision that if my boyfriend can't do it this lifestyle I'll respect it, I'm trying and exhausted all choices; in the end might just be with my master. will update everything to true status soon.
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When I woke up and kneel this morning I felt no different, maybe more relaxed and calm; which gives me sometime to think about certain things in my life. Sometimes I think about master and that damned decision I have to make and I also wonder if there is a such thing as slave couples? I'm a little happy with my self that I remember the first thing he wanted me to remember, "master loves me..etc". I can possibly say it if asked on the spot to speak it again. I received no punishment today which means I am improving yes?
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I'm about to blow up seriously that bitch of his keeps viewing me, but master said not to worry So I'm not worrying about it my dear sister seems to have voiced it loud about him tho "ATTN ALL DOM'S DOMME'S SUBS, COUPLES, AND SLAVES... ECLIIPSE1127 IS NOT
WHO HE SAYS HE IS, DO NOT CONTACT HIM FOR OWNERSHIP.... HE IS NOT TRUE
TO HIS WORD... THANKS..." I Lol'd so hard about this kept thinking she should of put "AND HIS BITCH ~blocks out her name for her safety~" Yeah I might hate the bitch, but she ain't my problem karma has her eyes set out on those two So something will happen bad and if I keep thinking of how it should happen then it will happen! I mean I look at my ex and everything I thought of happened; he's alone, no money, no job, no education, even worse mental and emotion problems with his mother, and calling me so he can feel better. I believe in karma she's do the work.
Now I guess on to happier things um...my favorite sister angela has come home from California so I can't wait to hang out with her again. Um the heart problem I had for months is less now totally forgot to tell master about this, but after the stress went away I thought it wasn't a problem. I have clammed down after throwing three dishes of my mother over the fence cleaned the kitchen and fuck I forgot the bath room. I'm starting to love my master more and more each day that it conflicts with my feelings for cory. I know that I have to make it I know I do, but I don't know what keeps from leaving my sweet cory. Oh i wish he was apart of this lifestyle it would be fun; someone I can breed with since I can't have something from master. Um My writing is pretty good now look at this.
Amelia remembered pain and then falling, falling into a black abyss.
Falling like a shooting star, falling through the ground, falling
through dark creation. She remains stonily silent as she fell from
earth, her birthplace, the place that had defined her, into a realm of
brutal darkness. The memories of her death replicate itself over and
over again. She remembers looking at the brilliance of the stars that
reminded her of someone whose face will always haunt her dreams and she
just can't take it anymore. Nothing can shine forever, not even the
brightest stars in the heavens. She was so tired, exhausted with the
world, weak from the suffering inflicted. Some wounds never heal no
matter what anyone said, she remembers closing her eyes and saying
goodbye as she stepped off the edge with confident. It feels just like
flying, her arms stretched out and the wind in her face. A small smile
tugged at her lips Then BAM! A sickening crack followed by just a small
second of intense, bright pain before death took her into its final
embrace.
She remembered regret, pain, and sadness, but what she
remembered the most was hate and anger. The anger was a blessing in a
disguise for it saved her soul. It gave her a rank in Hell; it gave her
a power close to that malevolent angel because both were not a being to
feel sympathy for anyone anymore. For, in their eyes, they had done no
wrong. Together they voiced their rage, their thwarted dream, and their
betrayal. The centuries turned into millennia in hell, but only days
and months on earth as her humanity faded, as her sanity faded. All
memories of her human state were stripped as the darkness bled into her
light; invaded her light. Soon, there was just…nothing. It hurt. Oddly
enough, she was a human still in heart; evil incarnate, but not quite.
So, she redefines and alters herself. She finds pleasure in torment and
creates her own fractured, godless world with his permission. He
comforts her that she’ll finally have her revenge and in the way she
envisioned it as well. Destiny would offer a second chance in the name
of “Emma.” Then, the John who caused her pain would see what she has
evolved into.
I love to write stories and I fucking love books with a passion!
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If I don't do this now master is just going to say something later so. I've been at grandma's for a couple of days going back because I seriously need to get away from her. My beloved sister is leaving "master" yay fucking me! She finally sees it and told me that my master was right. Which makes me very proud to know. He texted me today thought saying "he needed it get away from me" and said a couple of more things that made me feel like shit then he turns around and ask about my day when I told him i felt like shit because of what he said he tells me "I'm sure your going to be fine". That moment I just wanted to jump across the phone and punch him in the face. but I said fuck it karma will get him and it fucking did. he's losing a slave and he's about to loose he prized one that he treated better then anyone even his own wife and kids. I hope she leaves his ass seeing him for what he really is. nothing but a wannabe man whore.
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Oh yay! I am collared and owned for the next three probationary months just to see if my vanilla relationship gets in the way if it does then I will be released of my service. fair enough, I'm very excited to get going but I still didn't like it cause I can tell his a good master and I don't want to lose him. Yes his is there for me until the end, but for what now? If i actually do end up getting another master I can't touch or act the way I want to or with him. In the end I might just be depress. Maybe I do have to give up boyfriend for this...but I love him, so I guess if this M/s relationship doesn't work out I guess that will be it.
I'll give up my life style for him, I'm crying cause I don't want to, but if no master will want me or need me because of my vanilla love then that's it. Azula...Ren...will be no more.
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*staby-ed stab stab* My training seems to be going well, but I called him sir. Of course he corrected me kindly and not snapped at me like another might of did. So he told me to go to the bathroom, lock the door and kneel for 5 minutes. Within those 5 minutes I thought of my old master at how he would of responded to this; all upset and bitchy like a woman on her monthly period. At how the master/ mentor I have now is patience and kind he doesn't over analyze and doesn't jump into conclusion like the other one before. I thought maybe I should accept his offer and be his pet my guts say he's safe. And that I wanted to play with him more. After the five minutes was up I cried this time I didn't know why it wasn't be cause of old master anymore. So what started it?
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Another Journal *staby-ed stab stab* Today mom has lost it completely throwing things in the trash as if it was nothing, so I threw her panties and glass in the trash which of course I was in trouble be ignored her bitchiness and stayed in the room all day. I've only left to eat, piss, and shower. Now that I have done that I can sit in my bed and play around on my photoshop making tables for an rpg site I'm on. I love photoshop I might not ge like the others who like know how to make all this awesome graphics and stuff. No I need more artistic supplies that I've been having my eyes on to enhance my skills. now back to my Photoshop C3 <33 oh!
before I forget I'm getting a mega awesome collar for train and by pure fate it's the same collar I made with my laster "master" and my mentor is coming to see me as he had notice that I was trained very poorly by my last "master". Master doesn't want to disrespect my last one, but he's kind of seeing what kind of "master" my old one was.
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UGH! I type you read everyone get it? cool. So I am being mentored yay me, he wants me to blog which I hate cause my last "master" would blow up in my face when I would write about my feels like this..."so this is what you think?! RAWR RAWR!!! *bites off Azula's face*" yeah not the best reaction I think a master should give when he WANTS his pets to express themselves and when you ask them to express themselves and not hide anything then their going to do it cause it will please you.
But once you read their blog you don't turn around and go off on them cause then their utterly confused when you ask them to express themselves and not to hide their feels. And even when he said there was not favoritism it seem one of them can write about him and actually say "If he could just see with clear eyes". I think she can talk shit about him I think she could be piss at him, but like a little boy he would of just cried and try to make it better.
No master can lie and tell me there is no favorites in his household when I see it "clearly" wouldn't even matter if the pet was close by or across the world. When you've been a "master" for eight months your pushing it and you just getting a big head from all of this, but one girl in a way turned you to this lifestyle hell you didn't you didn't want to be a master at first when I asked you. Even then it was vanilla and we loved each other, but I think your ego expanded. you say everything is my fault, but from what I'm seeing and from what others masters are seeing it's yours...LOVE YOU! <3
p.s. if you read this you can't get upset cause its my feelings and you don't own me. and like you said we're just friends. so friends are allowed to tell friends how they feel and understand it or be ignorant forever. I love you and I always will hopefully you'll grow up cause others can see the potential I had and you did not.
comments are welcome if possible <3
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fuuuuuuck I feel awesome today! Don't as why when I was down before! I just do! >.> ok well I know, but I mean I think its funny to know that I have that effect on them still! So I love them! <33 I love you people who can still be affected by words <33 now I need to dig deep so you can kill your self :) *sigh happily* I think I'm becoming myself again which can be bad for some people,even Masters. >8D
do the kurby dance!
<(^ ^)> <(^^<) (>^^)> (>^^<) <(^ ^)>
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I guess on a happier note they are five masters that I plan to met and get to know. After all this shit I refuse to give my heart over to someone again so soon. One is like a black African god, one you can call a true master. The others live close by, but it seems the god like one spends a lot of his time getting to know me. I'm glad he is, but sadly he doesn't live close to me.
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Sadly I can't stop the tears from falling and each day I keep getting the feeling that I should just give up be miserable about like that man. Two people have horribly impacted my life and don't seem to care. My ex and that other man who called himself as a master only by self proclaim. Personally I have a clear and straight forward opinion regarding M/s relations: a Master is always responsible for anything that happens within or to that relation. That seems maybe an unfair burden to bear, but a true Master should and must bear it. The other side of that same coin: a Master gets a lot in return, never underestimated to power of the submissive gift.
Making a commitment as Master is sacred; there are no excuses as a Master for breaking your own commitment, not if you want to look in the mirror again.. Not if you want to look another Master in the eye.. but like I said he doesn't care as long as he gets what he wants; me nor my feelings matter or never did. As a Master you DON'T start a relation, take the submissive or slave honey first and blame her afterward for not being 'willing' to overcome her feelings or what she is. Doing so would reflect bad on you as Master since you made the mess yourself, failed as Master from the start already, neglected the fact that you are responsible first and foremost, but he blamed the other and left it to the other to live further with that. Now I have a blog its the same I was saying when I was with him, but I don't think he got hopefully he will, but I highly, HIGHLY doubt that he will. Cause if he did, everything that happened wouldn't happen in the first place.
I love him, but for what happen it leaves it wide open for me to say, "This is your fault..."
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There are some good masters out there that need slaves, I'm sorry I can't be a slave to them all. But It's something I need say now before I talk or get to know anymore master's to the fullest. This one is dating a white boy, I love him and though I told him of this life style he's not into it, but I don't wish to have my love to be dominant and owned suppressed. If he was slightly understanding with my recently old master hopefully he'll be understanding with the next one. I'm sorry to those who wish for a life partner out of me I wish I can give it to you, but I have a feeling I will be with him for a very, very long time.
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