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LuvToSpankLadies
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hypnosisguy1
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Update... Please see journal.
I'm a girl who has recently come to recognize the submissive side of herself... for years it has been yearning to be let loose. Originally, it materialized itself in fantasies of vampires sneaking into my bedroom at night to carry me away as I lay vulnerable under my sheets. Though this is still something that excites me, my fantasies progressed to ones of being bound, blindfolded, bitten...stroked and held.
The need to be possessed and consumed dominates (pun intended) my thoughts every hour of the day.
I have no idea how far I am willing to take this, but I would love to find a gentle soul who could discuss these desires and help me explore them a little more.
xxx sarahbethany
I am a singer/songwriter who composes her own songs and plays guitar and piano. I recently wrote this song which articulates one of those fantasies I described above.
He's watching me
He's waiting for me in my dreams, every night
I feel him, I hear him, whispering in my ear
He's telling me a story, a fairy tale
About little girls who fall in love
With monsters, with Princes of Darkness and
I, I can't resist
Who are these watchers, these waiters,
Whose eyes glint a little too much
I want to touch them, know them, but they
They always hide...
Song of the vampire
The vampire...
The vampire...
He takes my wrist
And he runs his lips across my skin
And I get a shudder, I shiver,
Somewhere in my dream
Why won't he come for me, I'm ready...
And He can take me away into the night
I'll be quiet & still and I'll kiss him if he'll let me
He'll hardly speak a word and we will disappear with the sunrise
Song of the vampire...
The vampire...
My vampire...
Take me, I dare you to
Take me, I want you to
Take me, I dare you to
Take me....I NEED you to
All of this is quite a story,
How can you tell I speak the truth?
But I feel him, I hear him...
Entering this very room...
Song of the Vampire...
My vampire...
My vampire...
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Hmmm... Me? A switch? Quite possibly. And it's so fitting with my true Gemini, split personality of light and dark. I seek a fellow warrior. Where we can challenge each other. Fight side by side.
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So much has happened... I'm a few years older now and find myself coming back here... Needing this again. I'm a successful model now, but unfortunately that has not brought me into the hands of good men. I've been out of this scene for a couple of years, thought I didn't need it anymore. But then, a couple of weeks ago, a guy threatened me, beat me up, threw me down a flight of stairs. I've never been with a bad guy before, not like this. I've taken off from Toronto. In British Columbia, heading to Vancouver. I'm absolutely terrified of men now, but all I want is to be held by one. Stroked and soothed. One that will heal me. After having PTSD from my surgery last Sept (breast tumour... everything is great now, though!) I'm in a pretty fragile state where I cannot tolerate a raised voice at all. Panic attacks... I feel threatened and frightened... But I'm so stubborn and resilient and I refuse to be a victim. I'm a warrior. But I need to fall at the feet of another... Just for a little while... I need to rest. To know that I am SAFE... I can't keep running. I need to make myself a home. A safe haven... I hope I can find it somewhere nestled in the mountains...
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I no longer need this anymore... I can steer myself, and stand on my own two feet for the first time in a long time.
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Thank you for all of the messages of concern. Everything is going well now. I'm well employed in a field I love. I've already played a show which went really well...things are looking up. :)
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if someone could just hire me for a few days... anything...
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Okay so I'm here now. Everything is okay...except that I NEED A JOB right now. I'm starving, trying to ignore the ache in my stomach, surviving on bread, water, and cigarettes. I'm at some bizarre Korean internet cafe on Bloor that has pictures of girls in bras.
My resume is done and printed out and I've sent it away to a few places. I need to be working by this weekend for sure.
My roommates are very nice and I'm happy... but feeling a little anxious. Once I know where my next meal is coming from I will relax a bit.
Hope you're all well!
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A lot has happened.
My last day at my job is July 17th. I'm prepping/painting my room on the 18th, and I'm moving to my cute house in the Annex on the 19th with two very cool guys. We have a rooftop patio. Exposed brick walls... and a wood burning fireplace!! I love fires... the house I grew up in had two wood burning fireplaces... just something I will always love, second only to campfires. I do not have a job in Toronto yet... after I get settled I'll deal with that.
The whole reason I'm moving there is to PLAY. Well, on this site that means play, but I'm referring to play in the musical sense.
I'm going after it. Whatever job I get will be solely to finance this dream.
My songs are great, my voice is exceptional... I have the drive... I simply will not fail.
Now if only I could quell this lonliness in my stomach long enough to sleep...
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I'm 13, sitting at the kitchen table. My dad is giving me one of sermons about How Best To Proceed in Life and today's topic is significant others.
"You really should marry a Doctor or someone of high status, your life will be easier that way knowing that you won't have financial difficulties."
I blinked, taken aback and said, "What? No, money isn't important to me. Me, I'm going to find true love, fairytale love."
My dad scowled and rolled his eyes. "True love like that doesn't exist, believe me." He looked sideways at my mother before she retorted, "Yeah, you got that right!"
That moment always stuck with me. One of those unfortunate memories that you try to scrub away but the stain remains. I was laying in bed just now, hands tangled in my hair, staring at the ceiling, trying to remember having that kind of optimism and beautiful naivite.
I used to exude such inner peace and grace. I used to be so sure of the world and my part in it... I used to trust that all would be well in time...
I knew it was only a matter of time before my Prince of Darkness swept me from my bed away to his castle where we would experience that kind of connection written about in L.J. Smith novels... that symbiotic need, tied together by our silver cord.
I fear I'm losing my sweetness and my eye for beauty. I fear I'm becoming embittered and cynical...
I fear that my dad is right.
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Was at one of the lovely hospitals in St. Catharines last night (note sarcasm). Really bizarre people... when I went into triage three cops had this inmate in a full orange jumpsuit, ankle and wrist cuffs with his face smashed in. In the waiting room of COURSE the craziest guy in the place asks if he can sit beside me, I'm cursing the fact that I went after work and I was wearing a dress. He's describing to me how cool the Instant Coffee Machine down the hall is, and "Do you want some? Do you want some coffee? Some coffee?"
I'm huddling in my chair shivering from a fever and wishing he would leave... and he does... to ask the nurses for cue tips to clean his ears with... and the nurses say they don't have any. So he goes to one of those wall hand sanitizer dispensers and starts cleaning his ears with it.
I finally got a room that was not clean, but I was so out of it I curled up on the bed anyways using a sweatshirt that says "Careful, or you might end up in my novel" as a pillow. I should have put it on, I would have fit right in!
Anyways, so strep again. Rest tomorrow and make a ton of phone calls. Apartments. Need electric piano. Toronto Thursday until late. Play hookie at work on Friday for several hours because I play in a show down the street.
Once that show is done then I'll be feeling a tonne less stressed. If I can find the right place to live on Thursday then that would be fantastic.
Okay, now that I've vented I can sleep. Night!
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Well, so much for getting to sleep early. But, I wrote a song that has much hit potential, thank God. I was becoming far too complex, and sure...they are good extra CD tracks but it had been a while since I'd written one like this. Probably waaaay back to April Rain. Anyways, it's a very fun lively song... I just needed to lighten up! :D Goodnight.
Will You (be at my show)?
You are not the answer
You are not a prayer
You certainly didn't save me
when I was standing there
You are nothing to me
Oh no, you are nothing to me
You came at me like you knew just what to do
And you sold me on your sleazy idea, that's true
But I wanna know, will you be at my show?
Will you be there for me, be there for me?
I wanna know, will you be at my show?
Be there for me, be there for me
I'm sick of being used by people that run and hide
Say I've got real talent then kill everything inside
Who has the courage to back me to the end?
I'll be your force of nature if on you I can depend
And I wanna know, will you be at my show?
Will you be there for me, be there for me?
I wanna know, will you be at my show?
Will you be there for me, be there for me?
Be there for me, Be there for me...I wanna know
Will you be at my show...
my show...
People are waiting and I wanna show them
This is my time, my time to shine
People are watching to see if I can break through if I can make it...
I can make it...you better believe it
And I wanna know, will you be at my show?
Will you be there for me, be there for me?
I wanna know, will you be at my show?
Will you be there for me, be there for me?
Be there for me, Be there for me...I wanna know
Will you be at my show...
my show...
You think you're gonna be a big star, a God without me,
That people will fall at your feet and it's just that easy
But I'll always remember all the tricks that you taught me
And the reminder not to let pricks like you stop me
And I wanna know, will you be at my show?
Will you be there for me, be there for me?
I wanna know, will you be at my show?
Will you be there for me, be there for me?
Be there for me, Be there for me...I wanna know
Will you be at my show...
my show...
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$600 Sweet Songwriter looking for a nice clan to adopt her! (downtown)
Reply to: hous-722362991@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-06-16, 9:54PM EDT
Hi, I'm Sarahbethany - a singer/songwriter currently living in Niagara-on-the-Lake going out of my mind with boredom.
I'm looking for nice, open-minded, non-judgmental, laid-back
roommates... preferably male as I tend to jive better with guys. (but
if there are some cool gals in there that is great too).
Any downtown location is great... I'm more concerned with having a
place where I feel comfortable than things like the size or quality of
room... but the room can't be in basement though because I desperately
need what little sunlight we get. Any rent around the $600 mark
(500-700) would be okay.
I play guitar and piano so if you're musical/love music that is a
bonus. (I'm moving back to Toronto to play more shows and get more
experience/exposure.
So...if you think I might fit in to your clan then please send me a message...
Thank you for reading this :)
xoxo sarahbethany
more about myself
- I enjoy music, dancing, going out, discussions, anything new and cool...
- I'm a good listener and I give good massages <--- come on, a roommate who will massage you... sweet deal.
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Fuck. I really hate being stood up. Really, really. Especially when I look this fucking hot, and was ready for a fun night out.
Ugh. My journals are pretty dramatic. I suppose it's because I only write on here when I need to vent... I'm actually quite cheery most of the time, believe it or not.
I'm actively seeking roommate(s) for Toronto... August 1st. I'm not living life safely anymore. Gotta just take the leap. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, correct?
So I'm going to quit my job when I find an apartment and roommates, move there, and find the first job I can. I need to play, I need to make connections.
I need to NOT have a back-up plan. Carpe diem, and all that crap. *laughs*
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Yet again I am a failure.
I don't know what's wrong with me. Will I ever be able to see things through to the end? Will my fear of failure continue to paralyze my soul and hinder my success?
I need to attone for my sins. I need to confess. I need to be beaten. I need to feel worthy again. I need to pay for what I've done. I need to be broken down and built up again, great care taken in the foundation, in the framing, until delicate thought can be spent leisurely polishing the mirrors...
I'm broken and I'm sinking...fast.
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Found a really cool-looking goth/cyberpunk bar in T.O. for my birthday Saturday night...Very excited. Thanks for the suggestions!
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Etched into my memory. Burned into my brain.
Sitting in our secret spot. The mist like rain, illuminating fairy-coloured spotlights as they expose the naked cascade. Shivering on wet stone, the perfect view of where I once stood ready to drown. Could this ever be real... besides this fleeting moment, caught between our worlds, in the net of the weekend...
Can I take the fabric of our lives, use a loom and weave them together, my rough wool with your polished silk? Can we go back to the bars of the iron gate intertwined with vines... can I ever get this right.
Can I paint us the picture of our future, make the mixture of oils and watercolours stick to the page?
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I hate being sick. It's been one thing after another. I hate being pointless and useless!
I really want to go SHOPPING. (At this point, all of the guys roll their eyes). But honestly, I can't remember the last time I went on a shopping spree. Once I'm feeling better I will definitely have to treat myself a little bit. Screw the student loan payments for a second and indulge. I miss the shopping in Toronto... The 3-floored H&M <sighs>...
Now I'm stuck with the Pen Centre's silly excuse for H&M. Maybe I've been watching too many Desperate Housewives episodes (hey, it applies...there is some s&m going on in behind those pretty picket fences), but I really want to shop.
That's my airheaded blog du jour. On a slightly more intellectual note, I signed up for statistics in sociology and foundations of social theory today. Those pesky required courses for my degree that I'd put off till last. But I'm aching for knowledge... I can't wait to hit the books. That's about it in this little desperate housegirl's life.
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Break down..I was so stressed out I couldn't form a complete thought or say anything that made sense. Inconsolably crying for hours...to explain why...
I've just been wound so tight, there are a lot of demands upon me, and demands I'm placing upon myself, and I just couldn't take failing again. I just sort of...broke.
I would give anything to just be able to go to bed and feel somebody next to me, able to hold me and make me believe for one night that everything will turn out okay.
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It's come to my attention that some of these "Doms" really are big babies who enjoy throwing temper tantrums in order to get what they want.
There's a good saying:
A reasonable man is seldom angry; an angry man is seldom reasonable.
Wouldn't you rather inspire your sub so that she is desperate to please you, instead of throwing fits in order to make her comply?
Just a thought...
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An amazing connection came through today regarding my music thanks to this site. I don't exactly get excited when these things happen anymore, but still there is mild, controlled optimism.
Speaking of control, I'm exerting an enormous amount of self-control right now, because up until this point I haven't had any. Hence the need for someone who disciplines and controls me, it really is for my own good. I've been getting away with too much for so long because I don't have anybody to answer to. Whether it's disorganized money management, disappearing eating habits, skipping expensive University classes,...or over-self-gratification *blush*, I realize that I've been a very bad girl.
Hmmm... on Punishment. There are a lot of things from my past that I still feel guilty about, whether I should or not. I feel like if I was punished for them then I might be able to let them go... Just a thought I had now.
To conclude, I'm realizing that besides the intense physical arousal that initially awakened my need for this lifestyle, there apparently are deep-seeded emotional and behavioural needs as well.
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Wow... I realized that if something happened to my looks I would be incredibly alone. What a sad thought.
Every guy sees my picture and hardly listens to what comes out of my mouth. They see me through rose-coloured glasses and deem me perfect for them without even getting to know me.
I'm an intellectual, deep, creative person who just happens to look a certain way. But eventually that will fade with time...then what?
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Okay now, I know you've been dying with anticipation:
www.myspace.com/sarahwrightmusic
Mind you, nothing I've written and recorded in the last 4 years is up there. So please note the rather sappiness and innocence of the songs being as they were written by my 15-year old self. Plus, April Rain and How to Say It are done in studios, but Regret You (Wade's Song) and We Didn't Know were recorded using a desk mic.
I know I know...I'm getting back into the studio. Promise.
Enjoy.
xxx sarahbethany
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Sick sick sick. I now have Strep. Quite lovely.
Well, since I'm stuck at home in my cute little pjs I curled up in front of the computer and logged onto CollarMe... and was caught by a banner advertising "Fucking Machines". (blush) (Being strapped to a surgical table and gotten off by machines that a Dom used on me is a huge fantasy)
Well... 3 hours later of exploring kink.com and I'm flushed and really horny... I really need to be fucked.
(I am in no way associated with kink.com) |
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Division of Assets in a BDSM Relationship...
It's pretty funny when you and your ex are sitting on a streetcar deciding who gets to keep the ropes. Much to the chagrin of the other passengers I'm sure.
I just returned from Toronto for a fun time in Kensington at a friend's party. I do miss the city. You can always find something to do.
It was great seeing old friends and meeting new people, (102.1 The Edge fans might be interested to note that it was Edgegirl's birthday, and we got her seriously rocked.)
I have a few quiet days back in Niagara where I will catch up on sleep and watch sappy Grey's Anatomy before I head back to Toronto to carpool to Ottawa for the funeral.
Thanks for all of the well wishes, as well.
xoxo sarahbethany
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I lost a friend yesterday. Motorcycle accident.
I'm still processing it.
The worst part was finding out at work. I went to tell my manager I was going to need some time off next week to go to Ottawa for the funeral, and then I totally broke down in front of her. I opened the door to the office and I was just staring at her, trying to find the words for about 30 seconds.
She is such a hard business woman and I felt so stupid and pathetic, but she was really kind about it.
When I got home I pretty much flipped out. I was so angry, I was swearing and trying to put on a pot of coffee but I was doing it all wrong. Sandi finally wrestled me into a hug and I fell apart. Anger is never the true emotion...
You know, I feel pretty numb except for some small intrevals of crying.
I've just seen this happen again and again. First Mark with the train accident, Steve choking alone in his apartment, now this.
Too bloody young. I've stopped asking those questions like "why". And I don't accept those mantras like "it was for a reason", or "he's in a better place".
I do believe in serendipity, and bad timing. But they are based on choices...
Now I'm waxing philosophical, time for me to go distract myself with the premiere of Lost.
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<sigh>
You know . . .
I really have no interest in being called a slut or a whore, or being brutally abused . . .
I would prefer somebody who tenderly binds my wrists, fucks me intensely with deep passion in his eyes, covers my mouth to stifle my screams, calls me a Good Girl, and then is able to hold and stroke me afterwards, taking care of me like I might be something precious, being my Protector and my guide . . .
Maybe I'm just a romantic. |
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So this girl messages me saying that she wishes to leave her Dom but he will "not let [her] leave" until she finds him a replacement sub. Apparently, her Dom finds me attractive and she's asking me if I'd want to fill her spot.
Okay.
A) LAZIEST DOM EVER.
B) Listen girl, if you want to leave him... then leave. You may not realize this, but he only has the power over you that you allow him to have. In the D/s relationship, it is the submissive who really runs the show, because it is only through their consent that the dynamic functions.
Or...stop me if I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just a bad girl?
xxx sarahbethany |
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I've recently considered the fact that I might be a switch instead of merely submissive. I know that I couldn't be submissive to another girl. I would want to be in control. Hmm...
I've been taking charge in my life recently and it feels damn good. Frustration and mild anger when focussed and controlled are quite useful tools for motivation.
In real life I'm not a mouse or a pushover, I'm a leader a lot of the time. (Though, this was not always the case). Getting my confidence back through my accomplishments has done wonders.
Yes, just general thoughts. Hope you're well.
xoxo sarahbethany |
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I really don't understand... if I'm with someone, I put them first. They are my world... very odd. |
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Aaaand let's try this together class. A comma is a comma,...not to be confused with it's stunted cousin: the period. I suppose it's just a losing battle.
In other news, I'm getting better. Still under the weather, but getting stronger emotionally anyway.
Thank you for all of the kind words...
xxx sarahbethany |
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Yes, I'm single now. Yes I'm fucking not doing well! But you all think you know what I need, more than what I know what I need and that's not fucking right at all. Yes I'm drunk, thank God for that.
Just when I was earning back my credibility and reliability at work. I can't go in tomorrow, I've been going in every day since this happened and if I go in tomorrow, I'm going to just lose it.
I'm sorry for the swearing and the ranting, it's rather cathartic, and I don't know what to do with myself...I really don't. |
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Been very sick...will write you back as soon as I can...need to rest now again.
xxx sarahbethany |
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I don't mean for this to come across as pretentious or arrogant... but. If you cannot string together a proper sentence, then please do not message me. These strange spellings and run-on sentences free of any punctuation just make me shake my head. This really isn't meant maliciously...
xxx sarahbethany |
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After 72 hours of pain and agony, I venture out into the sunlight...rather, snow. Oh the joys of walking to work. |
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Dreams of this same vampire again... he seems to be playing around with me, tempting me. Amused by my confusion. A large part of me wishes it was real...
...Perhaps I'm reading too much fiction for my own good.
xxx sarahbethany |
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Thanks to everyone who wrote to me, I haven't been on here for a while and it was nice to read the messages, I will respond I just don't have the energy tonight. Definitely burning the candle at both ends between working too much, not eating or sleeping much at all, and now I'm sick and worn out. Serves me right I guess for not taking better care of myself.
Yesterday the 403 was closed because a guy my age was sitting on the bridge, his head in his hands, ready to jump. It's hard to believe that that was me just over a month ago. I didn't tell anyone because I'm not someone who dumps my problems on people...I want to save everyone, but I couldn't save myself.
Hope everyone is well,
xxx sarahbethany |
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If anyone in the downtown Toronto area needs help at their work, I'm a hardworking girl who would work perfectly well in any environment! (Please hire me so I can get out of Niagara and finally move to Toronto!)
Also, thank you to all the words of encouragement :) I'm okay, really. Just a bad day, normally I can laugh off the little complainers and whiners.
Hope you're all keeping well...
xxx sarahbethany
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I just really fucking give up. People are so negative and selfish. I go into work, I try to be so positive, I am constantly holding everyone's hand and helping them through every bump in their lives. Listening, giving advice, being patient... but I just can't fucking take it anymore. You wonder why you don't get anywhere in life? Because of your freaking attitude! The world doesn't owe you a thing, sweethearts, you ought to learn that and fast.
I suppose it is the people that haven't gone through anything tough in their lives that judge people so quickly. Like vultures, they pick over the scraps of others. They wouldn't know empathy or compassion if it landed in front of them.
Some people also cannot deal with change...any small change in their lives upsets them beyond belief. We had a change in management at work, (frankly for the better), and this individual who hates change was so negative and cannot handle it at all to the point where she is breaking down. But before that it was hours of sniping, and I just can't take these people. How do people become this way?
I'm so used to change, I love it. I flow seamlessly from one planet to the next. People have died, people have destroyed me, dramatic changes occurred... and I rolled with the punches. Thank god for those lessons and hardships that I went through. I can see now what I could be like if I hadn't had them...it's quite scary to be that vulnerable and self-centered.
These people need to seriously find some inner strength before the world devours them.
"The world owes me nothing, we owe each other the world." - Ani Difranco
...Besides that, all that talk of my strength, I really need to break down for a few minutes myself. At least with me, I know I'll be just fucking fine.
xxx sarahbethany |
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I am so exhausted...thank you to everyone who wrote me, I finally got through it all. I responded to everyone I could.
Work was exhausting again...all day I wanted someone to come up and take my wrists and then just hold me really tight for a long time.
I feel extremely defeated today.
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Please bear with me, and I will try to respond... extremely busy weekend here. xxx sarahbethany |
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| Age: 20 |
| California,
California |
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