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Take time to enjoy your day. :) Life is too short to ignore opportunities. 

I'm taking a step back and hoping to focus on "One Day at a Time".  I have a lot of things going on in my life right now, so I am not seeking a new Dom right now.  I don't feel it's possible with so many other things happening, to give quality time to get to know potential partners.

To those who have already expressed interest; thank-you so much for contacting me.  I really appreciate all who have written.  However for now, I am only interested in friends.  I need to keep my focus on finding somewhere to live and on my health issues.  Once I am settled, I will determine what I need to do next.

I am still delighted to get mail and will respond to all polite messages asap.  Please don't be offended if I am not willing to devote myself to you after one or two.  

I am not seeking a play partner at this time; and that includes any kind of online relationship.  I do appreciate that some of you feel I should be honored and willing to engage in cybersex, video play, and/or phone sex.  However, I am not willing to do any of those, so save yourself some time and don't try to convince me to take part.

If you do wish to become friends and chat about D/s topics, then please send me a message.

Thank-you and have a wonderful week.

Today's journal is on my thoughts about submission.

I would like to start off by saying this entry is about my own thoughts/opinions and they may not agree with yours. As always, I welcome discussion about my journal; please feel free to contact me. 

If anything I write offends you, please accept my apology; these are just my thoughts and I mean no disrespect to anyone else.

I enjoy submitting to a Dom; however I believe submission needs to come from within me.  The better I know a Dom, the easier it is for me to submit to him.  As our relationship develops,  my submission should deepen and expand.

I don't believe I can truly submit to a Dom online.  I try always to be polite when chatting.  I get pleasure from pleasing a Dom; so depending on my mood and what your require during an online chat; you might consider my behavior to be submissive.  I see my behavior as more of a role play than real submission.

My online "submission" depends on how I feel and how I am treated.  If you expect me to follow a lot of rules, I may attempt to do so while we are chatting.  If you believe that I am really submitting to you and that I am now Yours forever; I'm sorry but you've misunderstood my behavior. I get pleasure out of pleasing a Dom; and if you are polite I will generally go along with harmless requests.  If however, you are too demanding or become rude during our chats; you will quickly discover that I will end our chat.  I can be very strong-willed and will block you if necessary.

For me to really submit, I need to have a relationship with you. I don't believe you can instantly submit to anyone online.  I find online relationships to be very difficult; and they take much longer to develop.  Additionally, I find it almost impossible to experience any kind of energy exchange online.  This energy exchange is necessary for my submission to develop.  This is why I am not really interested in an online D/s relationship.

I believe online chatting needs to lead to RT meetings before my submission becomes real.  Therefore assigning me tasks or trying to control too much of my life is only going to make me less inclined to submit.  While I believe we can develop a friendship online; I don't believe I can become Yours without RT meetings.

Good Morning A/all,

I'd like to tell you more about myself; some of these things are more vanilla than kink:

• I am a tall submissive BBW. I am submissive in most areas, sexually and in personality.  However, I can be very stubborn at times.

• I have some food issues  So if your kink includes anything about taking food away or forcing me to eat something...this is a Hard Limit for me.  I can't and won't allow anyone to control my food.  And it doesn't matter if it's positive or negative advice, suggestions or commands, this is a problem area for me..

• I am not into humiliation of any kind.  Now, I do understand that this is based on my definition of humiliation, so if you have questions about this, please feel free to send me a message and I'll discuss it with you.

• I dislike being lectured. If I am your submissive and it's required, I will attempt to tolerate it the best I can.

• I ...hate cooking, so if you make me do it...you should expect that I will not be able to hide (from you ) that I don't expect things I cook to turn out very well.  Oh, and please don't try to tell me during our initial chats that you will Teach me to love it...you will not make any "points" with me with this remark... If you choose to believe this; please, keep that thought to yourself.

• I am submissive and if you tell me something is a new rule and it's not dangerous to do, I will most likely tie myself into knots trying to please you.  However, I don't feel the same need to please, until I am collared or committed to you.

• I wear glasses, yep....reddish hair and thick glasses.  These things are part of me, if you dislike glasses or girls with red hair, please save us both the trouble, move on.

• I do have a number of physical limitations; If you need to know all of them, pls message me.  However, for example, I have no cartilage in my left knee...so kneeling not possible. I walk with a cane or sometimes a rolling walker. If it bothers you to be around people with disabilities, I am not a good choice. While most of my medical issues are chronic, they still cause me to modify my life.

• I like to touch, especially on the vanilla side...I love holding hands, or touching your arm or leg, if this will bother you,

• I love Kissing, almost any kissing, and it's nicer if you like it too.

• I do enjoy cute nicknames; i use one in daily life.  However, my legal first name is Carroll (which I hate).  So, if you wish to use a different nickname for me, I will most likely love it.

• Real vanilla here; ....I snore.  At least, that's what I've been told, lol.  So if you are ever planning on me spending the night....you are forewarned.

• I often have to get up at night to use the washroom, so if my moving from your side is forbidden, we will not be compatible. 

• As I've gotten older, when i need to pee, I need to go quickly, so if I need your permission to go to use a restroom, be prepared for accidents.  If this bothers you, please seek your sub elsewhere.

• I am terrible at math, sighs and this includes balancing my checkbook...(closes eyes, for just a moment) sighs, and I try to live on my SSDI.

• I love to chat.  The more manic I am, the more I tend to talk.  Yes, you are welcome to tell me to be quiet and I will try, very hard to be that way.  If I can't chat with you, I will want to talk to friends. I don't like have restrictions on communications with my friends.

• I also love to flirt. If I am in a committed relationship with you and our energy exchange is working properly; I do tend to flirt less. However, if our relationship isn't working well, flirting is an outlet for me.

• I tend to be poly by nature. What that means to me is I can find more than 1 Dom attractive and in special cases even love more than 1 at the same time.

• However I will follow your lead in if we are poly or not

• If I devote myself to you alone, please be prepared for me to really need your regular attention.

• Although I have been in the lifestyle since 2005; I have lived 24/7 with only 2 Doms.  My D/s belief system is based on knowledge from a limited number of Doms. I've had the little opportunity to spend time where I could learn & observe other D/s couples.

• I was in a vanilla marriage for over 20 years before I discovered kink.  After finding out kink was real I was collared and moving out to CA within a few months.  I was with my second Dom for over 7 years.

• Most of what I’ve learned about D/s comes from 3 different Doms.  I expect my knowledge could be very limited in some areas.

• Imho, submission is choosing to place my Dom's needs above my own.

• I believe that respect and trust needs to go both way.

• When playing (in a scene) I tend to be very submissive and I try to be what you want me to be.  So sometimes, it's difficult for me to say my safe word. Even if you tell me it's ok; it feels like I am disappointing you if I use it.

• I am also an emotional submissive. Imagine a puppy. If you praise her she glows yell at her, it looks like you broke her heart.

• I see my submission as ultimate Customer Service with you as my only Customer.  My job is to please you.  The deeper our relationship goes, the better I should be at knowing what that takes.  Customer Service means making sure everything possible is done to please the Customer.

• I am not a masochist. While I will take some pain; I don't derive much sexual pleasure from that alone.

• Too much emotional pain will make me depressed.  This is another hard limit for me in a 24/7 setting. If you enjoy being cruel and I am with you most of the time I can become emotional. Having a private space of my own can help me control this.

• BTW, I am bipolar and although I take meds daily and see my Psychiatrist regularly...I do have some mood swings and kink can bring out depression or mania occasionally. 

This is a lot too digest, so I'll stop here.  This wasn't written to challenge anyone or to poke at anyone specific. I am sharing these things for the following reasons:

• To help you decide if I am who you wish as your sub,

• To hopefully make it clear what I believe are my definitions of various words.

• I hope you will get to know more about me and how I think this way.

Hi A/all,

Today I have a question for my audience.  Why do people view a profile more than once but never send a message?  I don't really understand that.  I can understand viewing a profile once and deciding the other person doesn't seem compatible; but I can't figure out why someone would keep returning but never bother to send even a simple hello...

If anyone wants to send me a message and has an idea why anyone would do that...I would be very grateful.  I don't view a lot of full profiles, so I guess I just don't get "it".

Generally, if I really enjoy a Dom's profile; I'll drop him a quick note just telling him that I enjoyed reading his profile.  I see that as a simple courtesy; and I've gotten several messages from people over the years who have done the same. 

This is one of the many things I ponder while I'm here on CM, smiles.  See, if you'd written to me, I be busy chatting instead of pondering things like this.... grins, oh well it's good to think...

I traveled to San Francisco today and really enjoyed myself people watching on BART.  I do a lot of my best thinking while I'm walking around or riding BART.  I'm fascinated by people and I enjoy trying to figure out some of the "back story" for various people I see.  

Enough of my chatter for now, wishing A/all a nice evening.

Thank-you to A/all who've viewed my profile :).  I would like to send out extra thanks to the special O/ones who've taken the time to send me a message.  I really appreciate Your comments.

I do enjoy conversation and I do return messages to A/all.  It might take me a day or so to send a return message, it depends on my schedule for the week.  If it's taken me longer than that, please feel free to send me a reminder. 

I'm starting to feel better again so I am hoping to attend some events this month.  If anyone has a suggestion for an upcoming event, please send me a message.  It's been a while since I attended any kink events and I'm looking for some good ideas.

Wishing you a terrific week and who knows, we might meet-up at one of the local events in the near future. :)

Happy Monday to A/all,

I'm trying to keep my journal more current and hopefully share more about myself as a submissive.

I do answer all polite messages; but it might take me a little time to respond.

I don't intend to just submit to you (if you're a Dom), just because you tell me too.  I am not looking for an on-line relationship of any kind.  If you want to chat, great, I happen to enjoy chatting too.

Right now, I'm trying to get my life back in order, so that means I can't spend all of my time on-line no matter how much I enjoy chatting.

Things to know about me:

• I am not a pain slut; I do enjoy some pain but only at the right times
• I am not into Humiliation; I am happy being submissive and I don't like being degraded.  
• I believe in being polite and respectful to all and I believe I deserve to be treated the same way.

I read an article on a website, called "Kinky Cup Of Tea, which I think explains how I feel about respect better than I could do.  Here is a link to the article (you'll have to remove the spaces and () to make the link work properly):

www(dot) kinkycupoftea (dot) com/respect-let-me-tell-you-what-it-means-to-me/#comment-18

Have a wonderful week and as always thanks for reading my journal.

Hello A/all,

I need to take a chance on being perceived here as less submissive and mention a few things.

• I just recently changed my profile to single.
• Things are not finalized regarding my previous relationship; while i am no longer "his" submissive, we are still talking.
• I am Not actively seeking a new Dom at this time.
• I am happy to exchange messages and perhaps more with Doms who are interested and seem compatible...but please keep in mind, i am getting a lot of messages right now.  While i am sure that Your message is the most important, just the process of going through all the others takes time...
• The very fact that my relationship of 7+ years is/or appears to be falling apart makes me emotional and causes me stress.
• I have some chronic health issues which can flare under stress conditions.
• My current "real life" family and friends are concerned and do take up some of my time and living a stressful real life can swallow-up time for me.
• I don't know if this is just a personal issue for me, or if other people have trouble getting everything handled when stressed.  This inability to deal with stress and to keep up with everything else is one of the reasons i am collecting SSDI.  Excessive stress makes me ill.

Sighs, so now that i have alienated any number of Doms....yes, i expect you will want to message me and take me to task for my "bad" behavior....

If nothing else, maybe you will understand that while I do respond to all messages, I have to fit my message writing, chatting, talking, iming, etc...etc...etc... within the constraints of my existing life and health issues.

I am very sorry if I have offended anyone and if I owe you a message or chat....please be patient...please...

Good Morning to A/all.  Thank-you for viewing my profile and journals.

I been getting a bit of interest lately, because of some changes on my profile.

I am finding that i get some questions rather often.  So i've decided to create an FAQ in this journal entry.

I will start with some basic information and then update as needed.

• Am i a real woman?   Yes, i was born a female and have remained one my entire life.  I'm 55 and thinking i will continue to remain female, lol
• Am i a real submissive? Yes i am, i started out late in life, i was in my 40's before i realized that BDSM was real.  I have been living a 24/7 submissive lifestyle since 2005.
• AM i single?  Yes i am.  I was married to a vanilla man for 20+ years, but when i discovered that Kink/BDSM was real and not just a fantasy...i RAN towards living a 24/7 life.
• Do i have children?   Yes, i have a grown son, who lives in another state.  He's married and has children, we chat but don't see each other as often as i would wish.
  
• What are my interests? well i have lots of them and would prefer you either read my profile or ask me when we can chat.  It's difficult for me to write an interesting story about my life at this time.
  
• Do i have any STD's?  No i don't and i get tested every 6 months.
  
• i do use medical marijuana to treat some of my health issues.  i don't smoke it anymore, i prefer to vaporize and would be happy to discuss mmj.
  
• i am bipolar and take meds to manage my mood swings.  If you want to learn more about this, please ask.
  

I will continue to add more as i have time.  IF you don't see your question here, feel free to send it in a message and i will be happy to respond.

Hi and thank-you to all who have recently written.  I am very interested in reading all of the messages and i promise to respond to all.  However, i have a very busy next few days.

Please don't be offended if i can't get time to respond properly to your message until the next day or so.  i do make it a point to reply personally to all polite inquiries.

Thanks again for reading this and hopefully understanding.

Have a wonderful week and a fantastic weekend.  I will be attending the SF Cannabis Cup this weekend in Richmond, so if you indulge or are interested in medical marijuana, please free free to drop me a line... Grins, but do remember, i might not be able to respond until after this weekend....

ps.  i am currently looking for a new place to live, preferably in the East Bay.  If you know of a room or apt for rent at a very, very reasonable price, please let me know.  I live on a small fixed income, SSDI, and therefore can't afford to pay a lot for rent.

Hi, there are a number of major changes going on in my life right now.  If you are interested in learning more, please ask...

Wow, i am amazed at the lengths some people will go to.  There is a dom on this site who asked me to click on a link to check out his new profile.  This link, somehow gave him access to my computer and he went so far as to change my yahoo password.  He actually tried to blackmail me into showing myself to him on cam in order to get access to my yahoo account again.

He even added his email address to my Yahoo profile in the belief that i would be locked out and wouldn't know what was happening.

Sighs...i really try to believe that most people should be given a chance; but more and more i am finding it hard to trust.

It's been a super nice winter so far and I'm enjoying the weather in the East Bay.  I'm spending more time on another site these days, so it might take me a while to reply to your message.  However, I do respond to all polite messages so don't hesitate to send one.

If you're interested in finding out where I am these days, send me a note and I'll tell you more.

Always interested in making new friends, but I'm not looking for anything more.

Have a wonderful week!

It's looking to be a beautiful Friday here in the East Bay, i hope Y/you have a wonderful day and weekend.

I received a comment on my last post regarding the possible contradiction between my becoming more active in the community yet no longer playing with Doms other than my Master.

I hope to attend more events and munches this year and if i am lucky make some new friends.  Due to my Master's wish, I am no longer playing with other Doms.  While we do have an open relationship, I understand his position and respect it.  Therefore I am seeking friends only at this time.

Thanks to all who've read my profile recently, you are welcome to send me a comment or simply say hi.

Hi, it's been a while since my last entry.  Now that it's 2011, I am finding that I am interested in becoming more active in the BDSM community again.  This year, iIam planning on attending more munches and hopefully some local events. 

I'm also discovering that I am becoming more of a slave than just a submissive.  This is an exiting journey for me.  I don't know if this is a natural progression or if it's just me.  I am spending more time on .com these days.  I am enjoying the various discussion threads there and finding that site to be more useful to me.  If you also use FL, and are interested in communicating with me, I'm niki4u over there.

Happy New Year to all and as always, thanks for reading.