AlpineButterfly

To everyone who emailed offering support, 'a shoulder to cry on', or 'someone to rant to'. I thank you.

To everyone else who wrote because they saw a down and broken sub who could possibly be 'rescued' and converted into their willing slave... I say... shame on you.. and please ply your trade elsewhere.  I have absolutely no interest in any other relationships.  Don't waste your time writing to me because you won't get a reply.

I don't want to go to work.  I want to stay at home.  I want to cry. 

I feel like something inside me is dying.  I can't go out, I can't bear the thought of interacting with people beyond the absolutely necessary.  I can't even complete an hour of ironing clothes without bursting into tears.  Oh.. and the ironing board tried to break my toes today..

There isn't a single person in London I really connect to, on a deep human to human level.. and currently.. I don't think I can let anyone in.  I don't think I can bond with anyone for a while. 

Love?  What is love anyway.. Love alone doesn't form bonds.  Love is this crazy, hormone driven emotion.. a clinginess.. a dependence.. a desire to make the person you love happy.. Love alone doesn't create a human to human bond.  Was the bond forming?  I don't know.. I wasn't convince it was... and now I'm sure it never will form. 

I love my (ex) Mstrs.  Both of them.  Now we're no longer together, I feel like something inside me is dying.  The love, the hope for deeper connection, for a longer relationship.  It's dying.. and this dying hurts.  This dying is very very very painful. 

I didn't know I loved them this much, I didn't know I love Him this much.  I didn't know, when I set out on this experimental journey.. that I would fall in love with people with whom.. with whom I should have broken up with the moment I realised I was falling in love with them..

*cries*

I'm confused.  So very very confused.  I woke up feeling alright.  I woke up feeling.. accepting.. that the relationship is over.. and it will be alright.  I'm not alright now.. but it will be alright, and I'm already starting to adjust.

And then I thought about last night, about what I think about when I masturbate, when I cum, about how focused I was, alcohol infused, and masturbating for stress relief.. how focused I was on my (ex) Master.  It was somehow clearer during last night's somewhat harder, alcohol infused, masturbation.. that when I cum, I pant their titles.  Clearer than my previous two sessions with my vibe.  No porn.. no erotica.. not even a cursory glance at my blogs rss feed for anything interesting.. The last couple of sessions with the vibe was about them. 

And then I got out of bed, switched on my computer, and saw Him online.. and.. every 20 minutes i get the urge to make contact.. but I don't, because I've said I won't.. But I still get this urge, every 20 minutes, and I have to fight it every time.

I'm confused.  I want to go back, but I don't know if I can.  I don't think I have the strength and the will to.  Not that my body isn't willing.. but its the mind.  The body is still willing, the body still submits.  Going back will be difficult, will be demanding, will be painful... and going back does also mean that the issues I was running from in the first place needs to be put away.  But the situation would have changed so much, if I go back.. that there would be no way to address them anyway. 

I love them, both of them so much.  I don't want to hurt them again, and if I go back, I know myself, I know this will happen again, its inevitable.  Without a system in place where I can red flag problems (i know i can always bring things up to talk about.. but i don't/won't.. i just store them).  Won't it be better for everyone if I don't go back?  Less hurt?  Less all the effort to go back, only for it all to happen again in 6 months, in a year?

What was I running from?  Do  I even know any more?  Was it really that I wasn't connecting enough?  Or was it because I'm in love, with both of them, and I was afraid to face that?  Why was I so desperate for there to be a 'pause' button?  Was it the physical pushing of limits I needed a pause from?  Was it really?  Communication.. I needed more communication.. that much is certain.  What was i running from?  Was it love?  Should I go back?  I don't know if i can, I don't know how, and I'm still too ashamed of myself to talk to them.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
I made things worse.
I'm sorry.

No more contact
No more emails
No more letters
No more texts
No more calls
No more visits

I don't want to hurt you any more
I love you
I'll leave you alone
You deserve better.

I love you

珍爱的师主，

我很想写信给您可是我不敢写。我是个蠢货，我是个胆小鬼。我很疼您，很爱您。在我心里中，您的意义比个女朋友更重要。我很对不起您。我太蠢了，也太小胆了。我写的短信是一个很不该写的信。我很抱歉，很后悔。您的难过，您的痛苦，都是我的错。

我知道，我任何做什么，说什么，都不能收回我写的那封信。我也很难过，很痛苦。我伤害了您，也伤害了我自己。我很想对您说对不起。我那天应该说了“师主，我有话想说，我们可以谈一谈吗？” 是我的匆动和胆小弄我说我不该说的话。

我做错了。我没办法做对。 我很对不起您。我也不想再伤害您。我不希望您原谅我。我只希望您不恨我。我真的很爱您，很疼您。我很想再跪在您身边。我会很想念很想念您。

这个错误我知道是很大的错误。我不敢求您让我会来。我不懂怎么再面对您。我心里很痛，很难过，很后悔，很伤心。我不想走，可我没办法，而没胆，求您让我留。

师主，非常抱歉

小丫

I just wanted to say I'm sorry.  That was it.  I just wanted to say I'm sorry. 

The hurt of walking away

I'm hurting.  I'm okay for some periods.. and out of the blue.. I'll hurt.  and I'll cry.  Just as well I'm not at work today. 

I gave so much to them.  They were my first Mstrs, and I love them for it.  Still love them for it.  They were nice to me, kind to me.  They were cruel and stern at the right times, and gentle and caring at the right times.  They brought me up to heights I've never been before, and I've soared and spaced.. oh how I've spaced.  And they have caught me and gently let me down as I drop from those highs. 

One memory which makes me cry now.  During last play, when I had been helped up after a very intense first experience with wax play, I had leaned on Mistress, very wobbly on my feet.  I leaned on her, my legs not quite working since the experience, my face in her hair, inhaling her fragrance, and I wobbled a little, as I tried to get some strength in my legs, and shifted my weight that I was putting on her.  She held me, my body tight against hers, and she said in my ear "you can put your weight on me".  I cried then, I started to sob uncontrollably, as she said "i'll always catch you when you fall".  That moment was so very very intense, emotionally.  I was starting the rapid drop from intense play, starting to sob, and starting to physically fall to the ground, and she had held me and said she'll hold me, she won't let me fall.  

I'll miss her so much, my Mistress.  I love her.  I love the times we had together.  I love the times when we did connect, person to person, dominant to submissive.  I love her smile when I please her.  I love her I love her I love her I love her I love her and I'm sososososooooooooooo sad to loose her.
 

Up till 6am, tabulating logs from this site.  I'm not using this site again for what its made for.. *shrugs*  Maybe for what I'm doing now.. writing blogs which no one will read.  I blame this site.. A bit lame.. I know.. But I blame our use of this site, our reliance on this as our method of communication.. as one of the reasons why this relationship's died. 

It wasn't a relationship.  The main form of communication was this site.. and mainly from me..  I needed more.. Just D/s wasn't enough. 

Up till 6am tabulating logs.. A lot of thoughts has gone through my head.. all too late now.. And totally pointless.. but hey.. this is a blog right.. I might as well use it..
The things I should have done.. well.. spoken up a lot earlier for one.. but more in the short term.. I should have been more proactive in contacting my (ex) Mistress.  I should have sent her a couple of texts asking how she was, if she was lonely, if she'd like my company on the weekend.  I should have been doing all this anyway.. not just last weekend.. but anyway.. I should have been comfortable just sending a random text saying 'how are you Mistress, is work treating you well?'  Rather than just feeling really tongue tied and feeling that before I sent her that text I first had to send her one saying "Sorry to bother you Mistress, but would it be okay for me to send a text message saying "how are you Mistress, is work treating you well?"".

Sighs.. friendship.. I realised that I needed that very early on.. and asked for it.  It was ignored..  And I came to forget it too.. Because the submission felt so good.  So very very very good.  But we were never friends.  We never became friends.  We started off as as girl/Mstrs.. one off play partners, and then a few more sessions thrown in.. and before anyone knew what was happening, I was in love.. and threw all sense of judgement out the window.

My problem.. I go quiet whenever I'm uncomfortable with anything, and the more uncomfortable I am, the quieter I get.  Their problem.. they don't open up, they expect and want me to open up.. and they do get me do.. with a lot of coaxing and coercion.. but its forced, and the communication I share with them is forced.  Always forced.  My 'sent messages' box is 3 times larger than my 'received messages' box.  I go days without getting anything from them, and the only times I do get things from them are when I ask.  When I ask for hugs, they give me hugs, when I ask for touching base, they touch base.... But theres nothing else from them.. They only communicate enough with me to keep me satisfied that there is a relationship there, to satiate my human side enough to let the submissive side out.

That's not working anymore.  I want to be treated as a human first, submissive second.  

Someone ask me today "do you know what you want?"

Yes, I do know what I want.  I want to be treated as a human first, a friend first, before a submissive.  I don't want a long list of rules.  I don't want the main form of communication to be this website.  I want a more organic, more natural relationship, a friendship if you will.  I want to be comfortable being friends with my partner(s).  I think of them as my girlfriend... and I want to be thought of that way first.  It's okay to not be the primary.. but still a girlfriend.  I want to be able to share my happiness at a possible new job with them, and I want them to feel free to share their happiness with me, their frustrations at work, or if they're not feeling well.  These things make me a better friend, means I know when to support them, which makes me a better sub too.  A sub who's also a friend makes a better a sub.  But not just a sub.  Never just a sub.  Never having being a sub more important than being a friend.  The sub first relationship... that works when its strictly play only.  That (i guess) works in Fem Domme male sub.  But for me?  For me it doesn't work, never really did work, and something I will never accept again.  Friends first.. before lovers, before subs, before bottom, before anything else.... I need to connect on a human level.  Friends first.. The care and affection of a friend.  The familiarity of a friend.  It's not a weakness.  It's a strength.  It's a bond.  It's a common ground, a connection between two humans that brings them together.  A Dom/me who's also a friend makes a better Dom/me too.  It works both ways.. friendship works both ways...

I need to be able to talk to my Dom/mes on an equal, human footing before anything happens, and after anything is happening.  I never had that here.  Having my collar held at ransom while being proded to 'talk' is not talking.  "write a task on why you feel this way" is not talking.. Especially when 60% of the tasks never get a follow up.  Some get a long reply, and those are good.  Some get a 'congrats on completing your task', and the rest don't get anything at all.  So.. the tasks center my submission yes.. but they don't always work.. and some of them I end up asking questions at then.. questions which don't get answered.  I don't know how many questions I have asked in the past, on CM messages, which have gotten totally ignored.  Even really really simple questions.  The ones which gets answered?  The ones requesting for hugs and the ones requesting permission to cum.. those get answered.. because one is pertinent to keeping me obedient, and the other is pertinent to keeping me submissive. 

My (ex) Mstrs were great Dom/mes.  they were very very good at the actual Dom/ming.  They were very very good at the scene.  They make my clit throb and my legs wobbly.. And my Domme..

I love her.  My previous blogs says all of the reasons, and they remain true.  I love her similarities, I love her difference.  I love her intelligence, i love her intellact.  I love her deep interest in the variety of things she is interested in.  I love her.  I love her brains and her body and I love the connection I have with her when we're together.  That's what I'll miss the most.  Kneeling at her feet, looking up at her and seeing her smile, that makes me smile.  Seeing her smile makes me happy. 

I'm sad now.. I can't make her happy any more.. I've made her sad.  I've hurt her.  And that makes me very very very very very very sad.

0612 now.. flatmate is up for work. Time for me to put earplugs on and go to sleep... not gonna make it to work today..

这个小丫的每日责任：

 一）学习写中文。

 二）跪 - 能跪多久就跪多久， 最少十分钟。

 三）练习耐心。- 如果有问题，或则心里不爽， 不可以冲动。跪下来，穿项圈，冷静的想一想，记得过去的发生，不要把小事变大事。不要让外部因素影响我的奴役

 四）回想好的记忆。

 五）照顾身体。这个身体是为师主们的满意，是送师主们用的。

 六）写。写在日记里。别把感想收在心里。写出来是好的。
 七）睡觉时，穿项圈。

Dear Mistress,

I love you. I love you because you are totally different from me, despite all the similarities we have on the outside. I love you because you are a mystery to me.... I cannot read you... the way you talk, the way you smile, the way you look at me. They are all so measured, so thoughtful, so deliberate.. whereas I’m the opposite.. I’m impulsive and I don’t control my speech or actions.

I love the way you look at me and smile that measured smile. The smile which is sometimes half a question. The smile which often sends a stab of fear in me. I’m always wondering what you’re thinking, whether you’re pleased, whether you’re angry. I often can’t tell. You hide it really well... and that mystery, that not knowing.. always questioning, always hungering.. it makes me yearn for your affection, your approval... never knowing when I’ll get it.

You’re very special to me Mistress. You’re my first. We connected... funnily enough... when you shouted at me. We connected via very intense negative emotions, via red hot anger and rejection. And I love you, because you took that hurt away. I love you for your ability to be really angry one moment, and so gentle and caring the next. I love you because everything which hurts goes away when you hold me and squeeze me.

Mistress, you amaze me. The fire in you... it burns so bright and so hot that it scares me.. but yet I like sitting by you, feeling your warmth, letting the heat comfort me. It can burn.. yes.. but it can also comfort. And its hot too.. in the other sense of the word. It is hot, it is sexy, it is dangerous, and yes it makes me hot under my collar.

I love your softness.. your delicateness. Your perfect skin, your long black hair... your long delicate fingers. I love the duality of how hard you are on the outside, yet you’ve got all these hints of softness, of delicious femininity. I love touching you, cuddling you, and being touched by you, being cuddled by you. It makes the world perfect for those few minutes. It makes everything worth while. It makes me want to please you, to pleasure you, to do anything and everything you want me to. Anything and everything to be cuddled, to be held, to have my hair stroked by you.

Because I love you for who and what you are. I love you for the way you treat me. I love you for the way you make me feel. I love you because you are strong, because you are both hard and soft, because I will cry for you, and laugh for you, and feel good that in doing so, I’m making you happy. I love you because pleasing you makes me happy, because I make you happy, and that makes me very very happy, and in love.

Yours,

q