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B2u
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~Everything I have is Yours Master, every...single...breath~
Have been to Hell and back, enjoyed some of it, and am looking for the path again.
I am looking for the right Master, the One who will keep Me on My toes, make Me want for His touch and the caress of His cane as it licks at tender flesh.
I am however, very guarded right now, I will not place My trust in You at first because things have happened recently that have led Me to become jaded.
Please do not take offence, it is not You, and I am sorry that one self proclaimed " Master" has made it hard for the rest of You.
That being said...I seek to serve real time, in a TPE setting. I have been a slave for most of My life, and know that it is My station in life and always will be. I do not know at this time if I will relocate, but there is a possibilty as I relocated to where I am now.
I hope to find You, You know who You are, the One who will make Me crave and desire to serve You with utter devotion, the One who will ignite the fires in My cold belly, so that I may rise again like a phoenix and serve You with exquisite beauty.
I wish You well.
akwi
"He said, “Come to the Edge.”
I said, “I can’t. I’m afraid.”
He said, “Come to the Edge.”
I said, “I can’t. I’ll fall off.”
He said, finally, “Come to the Edge.”
And I came to the Edge.
And he pushed me. And I flew."
~Guillaume Apollinaire~
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Oh Hecate, I ask of You, when is it My turn for My Dark Prince, Leviathan to come and rescue Me! |
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I talk to a few regular people on here, and when they ask me how I am doing, I always say fine. That in part is a fib, I am not doing fine, I am locked in my own private Hell. I moved here from Edmonton, I met a Master on here, and after flying back and forth across Canada, it was decided I would move here to serve him full time. Long story short, last June I got devastating news that I had cancer of the liver along with other issues with my health. Two days after I found out, he sat me down and told me that he could no longer be in said relationship because he did not wish to care for someone that was sick. Ok, I can understand that, and it took me awhile to digest all the news I got that week. Well, I did a little investigating, even doing soothing very wrong and going on his phone. I was not his only slave. When we made up the contract for us, I said I was a monogamous person, and he said he was as well. I came to found out, not only was he seeing his former slaves, one here and one in Montreal. He also had four others he was seeing as well. Plus a wife in Montreal whom he was "separated" from.
Why dont I leave you ask? I gave up my career, my condo and almost everything I owned to move here, because I was the " one" for him. My savings are gone, I am now on UI, and anyone who has been on it knows they pay you diddly. So, since I am forced to stay in his house now until I am done chemo and can get back to work, Ive had to start paying rent and what not. Sometimes it works out that I end up giving him all of my money because he is behind in bills. If I say anything, he tells me I can leave at anytime. On average, I probably pay about 1000 a month in rent to him, and most months, I am left with a balance of maybe 2 dollars in my account. He knows he has me in a hard place, and he uses that against me. If I move to go back home, I will have to start the process of chemo all over, and I could get worse waiting. I am stuck at the house 24 hours a day, He will go to work( the work He told me he owned, and I found out he is just a salesman) come home, shower and go out. I am alone, I am upset, depressed even, and I cant see a way out of this Hell I am in. Part of my recovery is to have a positive attitude, and I cant bring myself to do so.
It helps to write, even though I know no one will read this, getting it off my chest helps.
akwi |
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Just did my second round of treatment, cant say I liked it, indeed it was horrid. But, I suppose this is the only way I am going to get better, so I will embrace the pain and ill feelings I get from said treatment, and fight it with all I have. I have met some Master's on here, and have been chatting back and forth. I will take it slow, as I have fully not healed in my heart, the last relationship I was in. I do hope the next one who finds me can pull the slave out of me, I think she has been hiding out of fear of being hurt again.
akwi |
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A lot has happened since last I posted. I guess one could say, I finally accepted what is going on in my rl, and am ready to move on. But I know it will be slow, because in my heart, I am still the jaded one.
I wish You all well.
akwi. |
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Never give up! Never surrender!
That is all.
akwi. |
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Ok, I suppose I have finally come to terms with what ails Me. Not really, just a bit. My body aches, but apparently that just comes with the sickness, well I dont want it thank You very much...lol.
I had to take a leave of absence from work, because I cannot do the physical stuff anymore, but the break has left Me with a lot of time to think on things. Yes, I may have been at fault for some of the things that lead up to Him dismissing Me, but I dont think that it was 100% My fault anymore. I have learned that He cannot be in a single person relationship, that He likes to have options. I found out that He likes to go out lots, to do what, I dont know. I found out He is not 52, but really 59, almost 60. So many things I have learned, and now I see that Him wanting out was probably the best thing for Me. Although, He could have maybe have waited until I came to terms with My illness and not use that as a basis for not wishing to be with Me. So now I know I am not mental in any way, shape or form, I can move on with My life.
I wish You all well.
akwi |
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Went to see the doctor today, the specialist to be exact. Got news that I wasnt expecting, but sort of felt it.
Am now just laying here for the past two hours, flipping back and forth between being oh so devastated to being very, very angry.
Dont want to deal with this right now, but know I have to face it, and the thing that is the worst, is that I face it all alone now.
I wonder if I am being thrown all these curve balls because I am being punished, or because I am being tested to see how much suffering I can endure.
Only way to find out is to wait and see I suppose.
akwi |
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Am up after about an hour of sleep and I for one am perplexed.
There appears to be a bright shiny thing in the sky. What is this sorcery!! I shall have to investigate further and get back to You.
akwi |
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Sleep evades Me yet again, I shall find You sweet slumber. When I sleep, I forget everything, and just give into that warm loving embrace that lulls Me to sweet surrender.
I shall search for You until I find You, and give Myself unto Thee.
I await You!
akwi |
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Another night passed, but this one is different, as I know now that I am not the crazy one, and I know that life will go on, as soon as I can get rid of the garbage that was fouling it up. A lot has come to light today, and I see how far I was into making Him My life that I did not see past the lies and deception.
-raises My glass in a toast to Myself for being finally free of what was hurting Me-! |
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Kudos to You Mastermtl, for picking what I am assuming You thought was a daft slave. Please do not paint Me to be as dumb as You think I am. I am onto Your lies, and will do whatever I have to do to get the Hell away from You, even if that means selling everything I have.
End of rant~ |
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So if You do not know, I was released on the 18th, on the one year anniversary of serving someone whom I loved with all My heart, who I thought was a true person and who I thought I believed in. I gave Him everything and much more, and still served Him even when He said rude and horrid things to Me, I still professed My undying love for Him. I think that love has been put to rest now sadly. This is a heart filled open letter to Him :)
I am laying in bed, cant sleep. For the life of Me I cant get over this depression, You know the one where I am always thinking that I am the one who screwed up this relationship, that it is just MY insecurities cropping up and accusing YOU of wrong doing. How dare I, I must be metally unstable right? To think such things of a fine upstanding Man. I am trying and trying to think of how I can get past this hurt, and this pain that swallows Me, the vile snake that weaves through My body each day, eating at Me until I am nothing more than a shell. I thank You for letting Me see how " wrong" I was.
Laying in bed, and I get a notification on My phone, I hadnt turned it off as I usually do, and it beeped, I think, what the heck, its probably FB or what not. It is a message on CM, a place I have not visited in awhile. So, I go look. Someone had left Me a rather nice message there, and I realize, I have not changed the profile there, for the simple fact, I forgot. Curiousity gets the better of Me and I look to see who is veiwing Me. It is You. So I look at Your profile, You know, the one You havent been on in quite some time, because You found Your "one". Oh dear, seems You have just been on in the last 20 mins, and that You are actively seeking submissives and that You havent changed Your profile in the last 5 months...
Color Me stupid. For ever believing in any lies You spouted to Me. You have a circle of friends ffs, girls that YOU JUST SPENT TIME WITH.
And to think, I seriously thought it was I that was losing it, that I was a unbalanced person, and that I was going to go see a shrink, because You have told Me all along that there is no one else, and that I make up these fantasies in My head because I am mental.
I feel so much better now that I know that the truth I felt all along is the truth.
The only sad thing is that You have made sure that I am without money, and that all My savings were gone through, so that I am basically a fucking prisoner in YOUR house because I have no money. I thank You for that, it really makes My trust in so called Dominants like You all the better.
I cant even tell You to go to Hell, because I happen to love Hell, so instead, and I know You will read this...I wish to be there when karma fucks You up the ass with a large cactus.
Over and out,
Love always -insert sarcasm-
Your princess- I wonder how many other princess's there are and if You just call us all princess so You dont fuck up in bed-
spits and walks away
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To bed with Me,
Perchance to sleep a sweet slumber that has evaded Me these past months, because I had it in My head that all that I thought about what He was doing, was just My inane thinking, and that He could not possibly be that kind of person.
I thank You Mastermtl, for letting Me think that all Doms were as sadistic with the mindfucks as You are, but alas, I do think it is not true.
Am glad that I found out really, since now I can really move on with My life.
I wish You well.
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Well good to know that the Master I live with, the one I am collared to and the one who tells Me everyday that He loves Me is still actively seeking a female submissive on here, thank You very much MasterMtl :)
And done. |
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| Age: 31 |
| Chicago,
Illinois |
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