In November I met a really nice guy, a real gentleman Dom.  Unfortunately, as nice as he was, it just wasn't meant to be.  I am honored to have had his interest and attention for a short while.  He passed away recently and the world is a little less bright without him.

Good bye Sir, you will be missed.

Happy New Years!!

I have a new pet peeve, inspired by messages I receive on this, and other, kink sites.  I'm trying to NOT become hyper-critical about this, but I just need to rant a little. 

I assume that everyone on this site is at least 18 years old and that, with that assumption, have completed at least some public education.  I don't believe what I'm seeing is a lack of education, or a lack of intelligence.  It is simply laziness! 

No capitalization, no punctuation, improper sentence structure, bad grammar.  I understand typo's and use of personal syntax for emphasis, but c'mon people!  A little effort please! 

End rant.

Been up for hours waiting to hear if we were working today.......

Brrrrr.......now that I know we're not, I'm going back to my warm bed :)

I feel something like Goldilocks; some new relationships move too fast, some too slow.  And some are juuuust right :)

 Unfortunately, you can't predict how you're going to respond to every person.  Or at least I can't.  Two people can say the exact same thing in the exact same way, but I'll react differently.  Do I sense the intent behind the spoken word is different?  Is that why I respond differently?  Is it pheromones?  Or just gut instinct?  I don't know, but I have learned to heed the often illogical signals my subconscious sends me.  Maybe I am missing an opportunity to get to know some great people, maybe not.  But I do know that when I've ignored that little voice that said "whoa! something's wrong" I have been hurt, heart hurt mostly, but hurt none the less.

Right now, the little nay-sayer voice is quiet.....that's a good sign.  Right?

TGIF!!

I'm always glad it's the end of the work week, even when I don't have plans for the weekend. It's just nice not to be on someone else's schedule.

I know I'm getting close to being ready to get back out there and try again because all my projects and chores didn't keep me occupied today.  I was restless all day.  Missing all the little intimate things that go on between a couple.  The looks, touches, jokes and smiles.

Hmmm....well I'm guilty of doing the thing I often accuse others of doing. Not reading someone's profile. Of making assumptions based on a single message or a photograph or just the fact that someone is on a “kinky” site. Shame on me.

Have LDR's become so common place that it's now considered somehow rude not to want one?  What about cyber-sex?  Am I the only woman who is just not interested in pretending an intimacy that I haven't felt?  To sit in front of a monitor and type out what he did, what I did next to someone whom I've never met, never touched?  I'll talk about any subject under the sun, including sex, but don't personalize it.  Because until we've met and felt that zing, that attraction, it's not REAL and I'm not interested.

 I want to thank everyone for the feedback on my journal entries. In particular, the one on trust seemed to garner quite a bit of commentary. There were several stand-out points made and I would like to add them here.

“Trust can be earned. Trust can be expected. Those that expect it often don't earn it.” Now....isn't that the truth?

“I’ve never thought it wise to move too quickly into something as intimate as a D/s relationship....  It’s not difficult to determine if the raw attraction is there.  It IS a bit more challenging to be able to trust one another, and it IS a two way street. “ Something a lot of the, shall we say....less experienced Dom's don't seem to think about. They need to take the time to make sure the sub is trustworthy as well.

“Therefore, trust is earned in the sense of construction, trust is built brick by brick on consistent behavior. “ And there it is, the key I believe......consistency.

Some times I hear something that I just know is not quite right, but I can't formulate an argument or define what is “wrong” with it. Recently someone said to me that trust wasn't something that could be earned...that it was a verb.....that you owned it and could decide to give it, but it couldn't be earned.

Well, I could have argued right away that grammatically the word “trust” is a noun and sometimes an adjective, but that wasn't important. “Trust can't be earned...” that's the part that bothered me. I thought about it, wondering if I was misusing the word, or if I was being unreasonable to say “when I know you well enough, when my trust level is high enough, then....” I am not a naturally distrustful person, everyone starts with a clean slate with me, but to just assume that everyone I meet will have my best interest at heart is just silly. To expect a submissive to say from the very beginning “of course I'll let you do anything you want to me” is stupid. Whether trust is earned or not, only knowledge of person, which takes time, will bring me to the “reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety of a person “ which is the very definition of trust.

There is something sad, and more than a little pathetic, about the small box of stuff accumulated from an ex-lover's home. It doesn't matter if you're the dumpee or dumper. That box and the items it contains, tells a story of the comfort and trust that built over time. Of half-hopeful and half-testing bits of yourself left for “next time”. Of coming, slowly, to believe that there will be a “next time”. Gradually accepting that those bits will be safe in his hands. 

It's something that isn't spoken. The trust involved in leaving “stuff”. The items themselves aren't usually important, it's the implied level of acceptance. 

And when it's over and that box is unpacked, the things put back in their place, it signals more than an end of a relationship, but the end of a potential future. Until next time.