So, why am I the worst sub ever?
Well, there are many answers to that. Dslavemaster can probably tell you some of them. I hope he doesn't. But I think acknowledging his influence over me is a first step towards moving away from the worst towards the almost-worst subbie. Almost.
One thing - I am afraid of total submission. Very afraid. And that is an issue.
Another - I get a slight thrill out of pleasing a guy. It's almost a feeling of power. Feeling like I control his orgasm. So when I do submit, it makes me feel empowered. It's kind of fucked up. I don't know if this what people mean by "topping from the bottom" or if it means I am a switch, but NCchairguy is helping me through these issues. He's a gem.
Finally, I'm tired all the time, and which means I have a hard time following orders before I go to work and when I get home (and often pass out). So my priorities are either very appropriate (as per the school of the "tiger mother") or completely out-of-whack (as per this community's standards).
This comment will probably scare people away. But it's on my mind. If it scares you away, then you wouldn't be able to understand me anyway. It's natural selection. (Okay, so I am completely misusing that term...)
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