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asexualsub
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I seek the truth that comes from you completely opening yourself to me. I value the freedom both gain from the surrender of inhibitions -- not just physical, but emotional as well. I desire to journey down a path of ever increasing binding to each other.
I believe that with power comes responsibility. My real name literally means 'protector', and I offer this completely.
I make no claims of my abilities for I do not have an ego that requires it. I ask for only what is freely given, but I challenge you to give all.
I do not give pain for my pleasure. I use protocol not for its own sake, but as a means to an end. However, pushing limits is both a means and an end.
Ask and I shall answer. Let the journey begin.
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Because this is a concern to some women, yes, I am single. My saying it is no proof of course. I am happy to help you satisfy yourself in this regard. Also, I do not have children. I have been divorced for some time and have lost touch with my ex.
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As you can see on my Flickr account, I enjoy photography. Here's the link:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/thepitcher/sets/72157624952047352/
You will also notice that I don't have a lot of people shots. I would like to do more portrait shots and candids. If you would like to have a bunch of good photos, I would be happy to take them. If you would like some that you wouldn't want some guy you don't know having copies of, you can bring your own memory card for those.
Shoots can be outdoors, a public place indoors, your place or mine. |
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D/s Outcomes
Here's another response I gave recently on what I am seeking by talking about some of the things that I value. I have covered many of these elements in different ways in my journal, but this list is probably a little different twist.
- I value passion. I want to bring out a love for living to the fullest in you. I want to lower your inhibitions and increase your desires. I want you to live a life where, with me, you don't have to hold back, you don't have to censor yourself.
- I value intimacy. I don't simply mean physical tenderness (although that is important as well). Instead I refer to two people being completely open with each other. I want to earn and feel your trust. I want you to feel protected.
- I value growth. I want to take you on a journey where you constantly learn new things about the world around you and yourself. I also want you to grow in your service to me and your submission to me.
- I value serenity and focus. I want you to find a calmness in yourself that is only possible when with me -- a place where nothing in the outside world matters. I want there to be moments in time where I am absolutely the centre of your universe.
I want all these things and I know how to achieve them. I do not seek them all at once. I seek to cultivate them over time and to watch them blossom. |
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Making Changes to a Submissive
Sometimes submissives ask me what changes I would make to them. Recently, a submissive seeking modification inspired me to share the approach I would use with someone expecting this. What follows is a modified version of my message to her. I touch on these themes in earlier posts with this coming at them from a different starting point. ~~~
Great sculptors say that their work is already hidden in the rock and that their job is to expose it. Put less poetically, an artist must work with his medium taking advantage of the unique characteristics in each piece. For me, the same is true in the D/s world. I don't have a single set way that I want a sub to be. I want to discover the unique characteristics that lay waiting to be exposed. Only then, can I create a thing of real beauty.
If I was your Dom, I would want you to be all that you can be. However, to know what that is, I would have to get to know you very well. For me, this 'discovery' process is part of the stages of submission. Of course, I have my own likes and dislikes, but to completely ignore who you are would be foolish. An obvious example is that for some spanking is a turn-on while for others it is the ultimate in real humiliation -- making it a suitable punishment for one, but not for another.
Here are some of the objectives I would have with you -- achieved through a variety of techniques that I would be happy to discuss:
- I would seek to emotionally bond you to me.
- I would seek to lower your inhibitions and heighten your desires.
- I would seek to have you better yourself with learning and activity.
- I would seek to heighten your sense of submission increasing the value you placed on it.
So, not a specific list at this point like 'start every day with coffee and sex. I seek to affect you deeper than that. |
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Achieving Your Submission
I believe a D/s relationship is a journey we take together. I get the most out the dynamic if I take you far. I take you on that journey with a number of techniques. These aren't about the tasks etc themselves, but about how they make you feel and where they take you over time. They include Service, Adventure, Connection, Repetition and Control techniques among others.
Service
When you are required to perform a task for my pleasure or ease, not only do I get the direct benefit, but it reinforces your role. So, I will give you tasks to perform even when we are not together.
Adventure
I have spoken about adventure before in more detail. I want to have amazing experiences together because there is nothing like shared fear or excitement to connect you more with me. I also want to breakdown some of the boundaries you have been socialized to accept. I want to free you.
Connection
Ultimately, all of this involves bonding us together, but I specfically want to work on keeping you connected to me. Giving you a task to do when I am not around keeps you thinking about me. Denying your senses one minute and then filling them the next focuses you on what I can give or take away. Establishing public or private symbols that you notice throughout the day keeps you connected. Directed imagery (through my deliberate words to you) can heighten your feelings. I want to bond you to me and with it build your need.
Repetition
Unless you grew up in an openly D/s household, you have been socialized to behave in vanilla ways despite your D/s desires. As I have said before, we all have certain inhibitions and walls. Having to repeat certain words and actions over and over builds your acceptance of new ideas and ways of being and can be used to build your submission. I want to build your acceptance of your darkest desires and then take you further.
Control
My direction of aspects of your life will deepen your submission to me. I don't have time to make every single decision. However, when I tell you what to wear, what to eat or when to go to bed, I am strengthening the dynamic between us. The more control I use, the more you can just let go, surrender and enjoy.
Now everyone is different so some techniques will get more response in some than others. I adapt to the situation. However, there are basic elements of human nature at play so that most of these will have an impact on you. And I want to have a profound impact on you. Ready for the journey? |
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Goreans, Sadists and Daddies Oh My!
As we know, there are many ways to pursue the D/s lifestyle. First, you have matters of degree. You may identify has Dom/(or)sub, Master/slave, Top/bottom. To some these are pretty much the same thing, but to many others they are each very different.
Then, we have old guards, Daddies and girls, Goreans, Sadists and masochists, and on and on and on. Even if the only title you identify with is submissive, you can be a service sub, a protocol sub, a sensation sub -- and again on it goes.
Some people fall tightly into some of these categories. Some people can't stand some of these types of BDSM lifestyle. Me, I am definitely not some things -- like I am not a sub -- but I am accepting of all these choices assuming we aren't talking the big taboos like kids. In fact, I find it interesting that there are people who themselves pursue an alternate lifestyle, but are not that accepting of people pursuing a different variation of that lifestyle.
If you have a curiousity about Gor, I can teach you about being a kajira. If you are a Gor hater, don't worry, I have no desire for you to pee in a bowl for me. If you are looking for a Daddy, I can be very loving and leave the dungeon gear alone. If you think this is a squicky type of role playing, you never have to wear pigtails for me.
Now, some will wonder how I can be a Dom and be so accomodating. Two reasons -- First, I like variety. Secondly, I want to have fun, push boundaries, take you on a journey, make you respond. As I say in other journal entries here, how I achieve that is secondary. |
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Attraction to Submissives
I was watching 'V for Vendetta' last night when it struck me how much I was attracted to Natalie Portman's character. She started the movie effectively quite submissive. The realization that it was this more than her looks that had my attention, got me thinking back on my life. I have been attracted to a woman's vunerability long before I ever thought to call myself Dom.
I can particularly remember more than one instance where I was developing a relationship and my interest increased significantly when I saw the woman's vunerable side.
Many women here talk about identifying with D/s even before they understood it. I can certainly identify with that circumstance.
Now to make up for lost time ;-) |
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The Happy Cynic
So, right now, you could be reading the profile of the man of your dreams -- the guy that is going to make real all your hopes and desires for the rest of your life. Then again, I'm probably not that guy. Great attitude eh? Thing is, to me, both statements are absolutely true. The chances of two people at the very beginning of getting to know each other ending up in a long-term relationship are slim. Even when you meet someone, you are lucky if a quarter of the time you both want to meet again. Heck, I would happy with ten percent.
Relationships are very fragile in the beginning. If one of us does something stupid, the other doesn't know if it was a rare event or typical behaviour, an honest mistake or something malicious. I have had people think I was being insulting when I was just trying to be cute. So, now I use more winks and lol's. So, then I had someone think I was insecure - like I had a nervous laugh. Ah well, you can't please everybody. Plus, it's understandable. There are lots of people online, and we have to decide with whom to invest our time. Yet, it's still a little bit sad when something promising hits one of those fatal speed bumps because with a little bit more understanding of each other, we might not have had such miscommunications/misunderstandings again.
Despite the odds, despite all the times it doesn't work out, that one time it does makes staying in the game worthwhile. That's why, I am the happy cynic. So, take a chance and say hello. I'm probably not the guy for you, but if I am, gee, wouldn't that be something? |
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My Relationship Status
This was in my journal already, but it was the very first entry in pages of posts. Since I have been asked a couple of times as of late, let me repost it here.
I am single and have been long enough to be over it, but not so long as to forget what being in a relationship is like. I was divorced many years ago, my ex is overseas and I have no kids. I am seeking a relationship, but I am open to what comes my way.
And oh yes, I work full-time, typical office hours, at a good job that I would be happy to tell you more about. |
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Dom vs. Sub Freedom
A while back, I was speaking with a submissive that wanted to understand what Dom's get out of the experience. As a sub, she enjoys the freedom of not having to make decisions -- of having them made for her. She wondered why we enjoy being Dom given all the effort and decision making that can go into it.
I explained that as a Dom, while the role for me does involve effort, I experience freedom too. When it is called for, I am very inclusive. At those times, I usually seek the opinions of others. For example, when going out with my buddies, we will sometimes have quite the conversations about our options. (They wouldn't take kindly to me Dom'ing them.)
However, in a D/s relationship, I have the freedom to set the agenda entirely on my own. (That doesn't mean, I am a jerk about it.) I find being in charge as liberating as a sub finds giving up that control.
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A Great Day
Well, it is about time that I posted something else here. I have been doing a lot of writing in my job lately, and that tends to leave me less in a writing mood when I finish my work day.
Awhile back, someone asked me what would be a great day for me in this lifestyle. Here are the kind of things that I would like to do:
Vanilla Outings
I want to go out and have good old fashioned fun. We could go hiking, go to an art gallery, shop, play pool, take a day trip and so much more. When out and about though, I would like to be playful with you. This can be flirting, kissing or more.
Kinky Outings
I enjoy going out and doing explicitly naughty things together as well. This could involve visiting a (no-sex) swingers club, a strip club or fooling around somewhere vanilla. (Don't worry, I only push limits -- not cross them.)
Vanilla Home Play
No really, I don't need a goat, a midget and barrel of used motor oil for a fun time. I do enjoy fooling around with you or making love together in very ordinary ways too.
D/s Sex
Whether it is throwing you up against the wall when you walk in the door and taking you, or chaining you spread eagled to my four poster bed, I would enjoy dominating you sexually.
D/s Bonding
I want to do things that make you react, that make you feel closer to me, that make you revel in your submission. This depends on what works for you. It could involve service, protocol, humiliation, bondage and more.
So, a great day would involve a bit of all of this. Like many, I want a mix of vanilla and D/s, but I would love for our relationship to benefit from the D/s dynamic throughout the day.
What do you think? |
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Domination: Means to an End
I was recently asked what appealed to me about verbal humiliation. I had to think about this for a bit. (She probably thinks I forgot about it.) The answer comes back to something I say in my profile. Whether I am spanking someone or calling them a tramp, these things are merely tools, a means, to a desired end.
I want to use Domination, bondage and discipline to bring out things in the woman I am with. Sure it can be fun to tie someone up, but what I love most is what it does to them. I want to use Domination to make a relationship more:
1. Playful
2. Communicative
3. Uninhibited
4. Responsive
Playful
I like to have fun, to be silly, to play, to flirt. I find that D/s gives me more opportunity to initiative playful, flirtatious activities. This could be with something innocent, but yes, I mostly mean to do things like grab her as she comes in the door or to whisper really filthy things in her ear as we play a game of pool at a bar. Of course, you could do these things in a vanilla relationship. I just feel I have more free reign in a D/s one.
Communicative
I want to be able to tell a woman in my life anything and for her to be able to do the same with me. I want to know her fantasies, the things that bother her, her insecurities and more. Again, this openess could exist in a regular relationship, but I find Domination and submission gives me more ability to achieve it.
Uninhibited
Closely related to be totally open is being really uninhibited. I want my partner and I to be able to pursue as many of our desires as possible. If she has always been curious about something, but to shy to try it, I want to get her so worked up about it that she is dying to do it.
Responsive
I think we all love it when something we do makes another person melt. I love that my Domination can make a woman in my life repsond so strongly. This can be tied to sexuality or merely a submissive response on its own.
Submissive
A question I have asked myself is whether I like a woman's submissiveness directly or just for the other opportunities it presents. I guess in a way I do like submission for its own sake. However, it really just goes back to the fact that I like the responsiveness. As I have said before, I love it when a Dominate move on my part can make a woman change her demeanor with me.
So, just to bring it back to the question of what do I like about verbal humiliation, it's actually not that big a deal to me. However, if it makes a woman more playful, communicative, uninhibited or responsive -- I'm in ;-) |
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Emotional Connections
Many people talk about the importance of the emotional and/or mental aspects of a D/s relationship. I certainly agree with them. However, I have come to realize that I don't feel them as separate things; or put another way that the physical is all about the emotional and the mental. I don't even have to touch someone -- when a woman goes submissive -- merely a drop in her voice, a change in her breathing, a different use of words, a lowering of the eyes, a wild look, a shift in body language will cause a Dominant reaction in me. For me, the physical merely deepens that reaction in her -- causing me to respond more.
What I now know is separate for me, and very important, is the intellectual, emotional and physical chemistry that any relationship should have. I have come to realize how important it is to me that a relationship work equally well in ways beyond D/s. In the past, my response to the D/s dynamic has sometimes been so strong that I felt I was feeling those other kinds of connection. I now realize how separate they are to me and that they must be worked on independently of any D/s interaction. So, I want to go to dinner, to the movies, on a bike ride, for a hike and to play pool. I always knew that I wanted romance and stimulating, conversations, but now I realize that I need them in equal measure to experiencing the charge of Dominance.
What I want is clear. Figuring out how to actually achieve that balance...well, I'll get back to you on that one ;-) |
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How to Make A Dom
I haven't felt much like writing lately. I certainly have emails to return. However, I do like sharing my thoughts here, and it has been a bit. So, I thought I would share some musings that I wrote for someone a while back and have shared with a couple of women.
Some women wish they could get their guys to be more dominant. Here were my thoughts on how you might get an average guy to take charge more. It wouldn't work on a submissive guy, but you might have a shot with an average dude with the typical male dose of testosterone. It might even make an already dominant guy even more dom if you would like that.
In the beginning, you have to top from the bottom.
Here are five things to consider:
1. Know that it is probably possible.
2. Stress the non-physical
3. Train him to associate arousal and pleasure with dominance.
4. Find natural ways for him to assert his dominance.
5. Make it Fun
Know It Is Possible
Of course, not every guy has it in him to be Dom, but most actually do. There have been a number of famous studies that looked at power and dominance. (not in a sexual context) What those studies found that ordinarily mild mannered people could become extremely dominant given fairly ordinary sets of circumstances. In one study, people were first told to treat others forcefully from an authority figure. At first, they needed the reinforcement of the authority figure, but in short order they started acting like it came naturally to them. This is also seen in prison settings with the personality change of prison guards used to being in the dominant position.
Stress the Non-Physical
When my then girlfriend tried to introduce me to D/s, I thought it was all about the physical aspects. For her, I tried to act a role that I didn't feel. For example, she wanted me to fist her (not everyone's kink - but hers). I did, but I thought it was all about how it felt to her physically. I know now that she liked it more because it was a man having his way. Had I understood that better, I could have probably got into it more. So, in anything you want him to do stress how it makes you feel emotionally as well as physically.
Train Him to Associate Dominance with Pleasure & Arousal
Yes, I said train. You want him to see that his dominance directly gives you pleasure and the he is immediately rewarded as such too. This really is no different than the old Pavlov dog experiment. So, ask him to do something simple like plan a night out and keep it a surprise for you. When he does it, throughout night tell him how much you love that he did that and how hot that sort of thing makes you. At the end of the night - really reward him. If you are someone who is always eager - ie high sex-drive - try to be a little less eager when he is nice guy and more responsive when he is strong guy. He should respond to these cues without even knowing it. This is being a bit of an actress, but it will pay-off. Also reward small things like if he tosses you down, climbs on top of you - anything - make an extra point of responding to those things. Same things with positions. For example, even if doggie is not your favourite position respond more to it because it is a guy in charge position. Once you have him trained to be dominant you can slowly ratchet things up only rewarding him for the things you really want. I hate to say it, but this is how they train sea world dolphins and we men are animals too. You can also do things when he is aroused and more likely to be dominant. For example, when you have him excited, bite him just hard enough to make him react with some emotion - when he does, gush and reward him some more. Whether he knows what you doing or not, over time he will find himself becoming more agressive with you. Just don't be pushy - take your time.
Find Natural Ways for Him to Asset His Dominance
Put yourself in situations that allow him to be naturally dominant. Get him to do things for you that require his strength, play a sport with him that he is good at and make sure he wins. Wear something to the right kind of bar where you know he will have to defend your honour a bit (not suggesting a fight). Do things to get his blood up like play fight. Fight hard, submit, fight hard some more and submit. Of course, you have the best sense of the types of things he leads in better than some stranger. Just remember, when he does lead, reward him as above.
Make it Fun
So, all this might be manipulative or trying to make him into something he is not. Trust me this is way better than having him do something for you that he is not comfortable with just because he cares for you. Remember, at no point is he doing anything he doesn't want to do. So, have fun with the process, not just the destination. I know as a sub you won't always want to be this much of the leader, but the pay-off could be big. Most people don't jump whole hog into this lifestyle from the beginning. They get deeper and deeper into it because they discover they have a growing taste for it. So, find the parts of D/s that he finds sweet and let him taste. Chances are he will want more. I like to think I am a really caring, giving guy (heck look at this message), but the first time I watched a strong woman slowly go all subby because I was being intentionally strong with her, it was such a rush and I was hooked. So, as I said in the beginning, there's always hope.
I hope this is of some help and even if you don't succeed that you have a lot of fun trying. I also hope this wasn't too preachy. Please know that I realize this is just one man's opinion, but hopefully you find a couple of good ideas here. If you have any questions or comments please don't hesitate to get in touch with me again.
If you give this a shot, let me know how you make out (so to speak).
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Elaborate Bondage & Discipline
I have met or chatted with a number of women that are very experienced in the lifestyle. They have participated in edge play such as cutting or needles on the one hand and sophisticated bondage such as shibari or suspension on the other. These women find themselves drawn to these scenes as sublime experiences. I find myself drawn to these women who have such quiet sophisticated elegance in their submission. The challenge is that I am not drawn or at least not at this point in my journey to elaborate bondage and discipline scenes. While I could carefully plan a roleplaying scenario when it comes to restraints something such as cuffs works just fine for me. Meanwhile, temporary piercings just seems like it would take such care and detail that I feel I would be taken out of the moment.
I find this dichotomy with my interest in such women, but not in such play quite interesting. Could I develop a taste for it? I imagine I could. However, I really don't know if it is something I want to pursue right now. I guess it will depend on the woman. There are many other things I do like role playing, decision making, commanding, public teasing, being served, verbal humiliation, dominating with my presence, shaping someone et cetera, et cetera. If the right submissive wants to first pursue these interests and perhaps later explore more sophisticated play, it could happen. |
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Responsibility
I was asked last night, what do I see as being my responsibilities as a Dom. Off the top of my head, these were my answers:
First is to keep my gal safe.
To keep her feeling safe, except when the play involves a sense of danger.
To understand her limits and needs.
To respect that power exchange is an exchange and that she must be getting something out it.
To be consistent, so she knows what is expected of her.
To be strong.
To provide structure as appropriate.
To be caring when needed.
I imagine that I have missed something because it was an immediate response, but I think it is at least a good start. |
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Transformation
I read something I really liked this morning. This man was talking about how he and his wife had read The Joy of Sex to spice things up. He explained to his wife that he skipped much of the section on bondage and the like because he was so attracted to it and he had had these 'dark' thoughts about his wife being a slave. To his surprise, his wife explained that she was interested too.
So, they spent two weeks in a basement rec room apparently playing and learning. He said, at the end of it, she came out collared.
What so appeals to me about this story is the transformation. Each discovering they have these intense desires and being able to act upon them. Obviously, his Domination and her submission would have grown over this period. It is likely they began tentatively given their starting point. I love the thought of that long (mutual) seduction. It makes me wish I had explored such things a bit more than I did in past vanilla relationships.
Whether I eventually connect with someone quite experienced in this lifestyle or fairly new; whether I meet someone very slavish or mildy submissive -- I want to find new boundaries we can explore. Of course, there is also just the transformation that happens between two people as they open up more to each other. That's why I don't mind starting slow. I love that long-term seduction, that transformation.
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Collaring
I was reading someone's profile today and she said, that she wasn't looking for someone to slap a collar on her the moment they started talking, that a collar was something that many consider as important if not more so than marriage.
I do understand this, but I think a collar like any symbol means different things to different people. Some people take years to propose to their beloved and then plan huge weddings, while others head off to Vegas for a quicky wedding shortly after meeting. Now, I wouldn't be into the quicky wedding, but if that makes two people happy, more power to them.
So, some people view that you have to make a fairly quick decision that you are either going to submit or be gone while others want to develop the dynamic of Domination and submission over weeks or even months. I think we will all be happy if we don't get upset by differing viewpoints, but rather simply agree to disagree if that is the case.
As for my view, collaring for me is somewhere between marriage-level significance and instant step. I feel somebody is ready when they are ready whether that happens fast or slow. As always, I am not too hung up on the physical manisfestations and symbols choosing rather to focus on the actual dynamic. Perhaps there is something to be said for consideration or training collars. (The equivalent of an engagement ring ;-) |
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Posers
So, I received a message from someone today that thanked me for 'getting it'. She was planning on closing your CollarMe account, but said she would stick with it longer after reading my profile and journal.
I will say to you, the reader, what I said to her. Absolutely stick with it. There will always be posers and jerks wherever you go to meet people. You just have to sort through them until find your one. Given the small community here, compared to vanilla dating sites, it is just going to take awhile. Don't let those who are polite-conversation challenged ruin this experience for you. If the thoughtful, intelligent folks don't stick around, then there is no reason for others like them to be here either.
For you women, the advantage of meeting your thoughtful guy here is that when you do, it sort of goes with the territory that he won't be a wimp. (Unless of course, that is what you are looking for ;-) |
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20 Questions
So, it's time for a completely different journal entry. As I have mentioned before, I have received a number of nice comments about the things I have written here. So, now it's time to give you your say. So, here are twenty questions for you. I don't expect folks to answer them all. Just pick the ones that interest you and send me a message. I will anonymously post some of the best responses. (Unless you ask me not to.)
1. What is the most foolishly dangerous thing you have ever done?
2. What is something that you have always wanted to do, but haven't had the nerve to try?
3. Have you ever embarrassed yourself in front of the law? If so, how?
4. Is there anything you regularly spend more money on than you should? If so, what?
5. What is your guiltiest pleasure? (vs. your naughtiest pleasure)
6. What one thing most perplexes you about the opposite sex?
7. What is the biggest thing you have ever done totally spontaneously?
8. Have you ever had the opportunity to partake in a big adventure or fulfill a major fantasy, but passed on it doing so, to your regret? Is so, what?
9. Is there anything you would really like to know about a guy (gal) you meet, but feel it is inappropriate to ask too quickly? If so, what?
10. What is the worst or most embarrassing date you have ever had?
11. What is the most decadent thing that you have ever done?
12. If you could instantly be an expert in anything, what would you choose and why?
13. Is there anything that both turns you off and excites you? If so, what?
14. If you could be a member of the opposite sex for one day, what would you do besides have sex?
15. What is the most noteworthy outfit you have worn out on an ordinary day in the vanilla world? (Halloween or costume parties excluded.)
16. What is something outrageous you have done that you can't believe you got away with, without being caught?
17. What is something that you now know about the opposite sex that you wish you had known a long-time ago?
18. If a genie granted you three kinky wishes, what would they be?
19. Do you have any inhibitions that you wish you could give up? If so, what?
20. What do you think of these 20 questions?
Well I hope you enjoyed these. I look forward to your answers. I will start answering some of these questions in future journal entries. |
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'Meeting' Online
Ah the joys of online socializing. I received a message the other day that was very positive, but that asked me if I was building a harem of women because I have referenced various people with whom I have spoken on CollarMe. For the record, I am not building a harem. I am interested in finding one person with whom I can develop a connection. However, whether on a vanilla dating site or here, I have found that, that involves speaking with many to find the one.
I have also been very fortunate to receive messages from a wide range of people including some from women who are not looking to meet. They just wanted to compliment me on the things I have written here. I am always very touched by that and try to respond to everyone that contacts me.
I am by no means swamped with messages, but every now and then I get a flurry at once. If this happens on a day when I am really busy, it is easy to miss responding to someone. I was just reviewing my received mail and noticed a few messages that I have not returned. That was not my intention and I will watch that in the future.
I am certain that sometimes there is just a lot of luck involved in connecting with someone online. Some days, I am looking for a distraction and delighted to correspond. Other days, I am busy or tired and don't do a very good job of conversing online. It doesn't help that with my laptop and wireless network it is easy for me be doing other things like sitting outside reading a book while checking in every now and then. I am really not as glued to CM as it might appear ;-)
When you first start chatting with someone, relations can be quite fragile too. I imagine somewhere along the line I decided I was not interested in someone just because I misunderstood something that was said to me. I certainly know that I have been misunderstood at times, and in ways that I was not been able to overcome after the misunderstanding.
All told though, my first month on CollarMe has been a very positive experience. I know it could take some time to meet my match, but I am cool with that. I realize it can be harder on you women out there as we men can be a little pushy at times. However, I do hope you will stick with it. I believe the ups and downs here are certainly worth the end result. |
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Speed Dom-ing
There are women on CollarMe that say they will only be submissive to the right man. I completely understand that. There may be those that go around all day all puffed up and Dom'd up. I don't knock that, but it isn't me. In my day-to-day life, I may be a confident decisive leader, but I am not looking for others to submit. Even on CollarMe, I don't need you to call me Sir or Master when first introducing yourself. If you want to, fine, but it is not required as I assume you don't yet know if you want to submit to me. However, if we click, my Dominant side will emerge and if I sense you going all subby for me, you will feel me taking charge. Trust me. |
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Something to Grin About
So today, I was asked what gets a mischievous grin from me like the one in my picture. Well lots of things of course. However, what’s likely to get the biggest grin is anticipating or remembering a special night out with the right gal. A night where I plan a series of activities and interactions that keep the umm…tension ratcheted up high. The types of little seductions we have been taught good boys and girls don’t pursue. Things we would not have the nerve to do except within the bounds of a relationship built on a foundation of exploration – little explosions of temptation and desire – glimpses of craving and devotion that leave others thinking, ‘Did I just see that?’ Naturally, any such night needs its umm…climax – when the rising pressure of open flirtation can be released with the unbridled freedom of more private explorations. To date, nights like that have been rare cherished pearls. It’s time to cultivate them so that they are equally beautiful, but much more abundant.
What do you think? Is that worthy of a little mischief in my smile? |
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Bonding
So tonight I watched the Science of Love. Did anyone else catch that? While designed to be a romantic dating show, one could use it as a D/s multimedia instruction manual for training and bonding. Two things stood out.
First, the couple had to do a tandem bungee jump strapped together facing each other (hmm very bondage). This was designed to produce an adrenilin response which the body interprets as physical attraction. Coincidently, I referenced this yesterday when talking about adventure.
Later, they had to stare at each other without speaking or looking away for five minutes. This autonomically creates an emotional response similar to romantic feelings.
It's funny how what is likely so surprising to so many in the vanilla world is so understood within this realm. Well at least, I hope it is. I probably think about these things more than some people do. |
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Adventure
I received a very nice compliment on my journal entries today. Funny, I really didn't intend to blog here, but it has had that feel to it so far. I can't promise I will keep it up -- (umm...) I mean keep writing, but we will see.
In case you haven't noticed, I have been sharing my observations about the D/s life. I am just somebody that finds everything interesting.
One of the things I find noteworthy is how so many of us talk about wanting something more than sexual, but how difficult this 'more' can be to explain. One of the things I want is Adventure. Now sure, adventure can be sexual and I do want that aspect, I also want that fateful 'more'. In the broadest sense, to me, adventure is doing anything that is fun and a big deal. It could include going skydiving, trying dogsledding, visiting an unusual country or taking a glass-blowing class.
Adventure is important to me, not just because it is fun and not simply because it provides learning experiences. True adventure when shared creates a real bonding experience. If adventure is actually pursued together, a couple will be drawn closer. Furthermore, adventure opens a person to the fact that so much is possible. Going skydiving for example often makes us ready to try other types of exotic new experiences.
I want to get to that place with someone where it seems that anything is possible together. That's why I like to make Adventure, an active part of a D/s relationship. |
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Discovery
It's interesting how some people have such a strong NEED to submit or to serve. I read someone's profile this morning where she laments at how long she has to spend getting to know someone before she can serve. She has reached the conclusion that she has to find ways to start serving immediately from now on knowing that she will learn more along the way.
In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with her conclusion, but for me, discovery or learning is not something that has to be done before domination and submission can begin. It is the first action in that dynamic. I have said that the D/s dynamic provides an opportunity to strip a relationship to its essence. Well as part of that, it provides the opportunity to learn about each other in ways far beyond the typical vanilla relationship.
The D/s relationship makes it much easier to ask very personal questions, to explore normally taboo topics and express unique desires. Active discovery steps can be used such as questionaires, daily journals and question and answer sessions. Even the submissive can initiate this presented as the desire to better serve.
Now if the centre of one's D/s dynamic is just sex and violence, that's another matter. I can't help'em there ;-) |
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Openess
In my profile, I talk about truth and openess. Here is some more on that from a message I sent in reply to someone.....
We all have walls we erect, limits we impose and inhibitions we develop. For Me, the Dominant/submissive relationship provides a means to strip many of these away. The Dom has the opportunity to explore new opportunities and the sub has permission to surrender to them. This exploration and tearing down of inhibitions can bring two people incredibly close together.
So, for me the D/s dynamic is a means to a relationship stripped bare. Meanwhile, I view many of the protocols, punishments and practices that can go along with the D/s relationship merely as tools for strengthening the relationship. For example, having a submissive sit at my feet is not directly important in and of itself. It is important to me if and only if it helps her to open herself to me, to surrender to me -- or rather to the relationship. What I ultimately want from a submissive is complete openess to me without reservation and without inhibition. |
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Actions & Choice
I had an interesting conversation with someone tonight. She was suffering a bit from the heat and I said she needs a man to give her a sponge bath. She asked if this was something that she as a submissive should be doing for her Dominant -- that is, the other way around.
I don't see doing nice things for a submissive woman in My life as My being submissive. I am making the choice and doing what gives Me pleasure. Furthermore, I feel that such an act creates a closer bond and makes a submissive want to please her Dominant even more.
I was also reading a message board conversation today about Doms who like to brush their submissive's hair. I understand this. In Nine and a Half Weeks, Mickey Rourke's character was Dominant over Kim Bassinger's, but yet he fed her and brushed her hair.
The D/s dynamic is not always defined by the things we do, but is defined by roles and choice. |
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Photos
I just wanted to say that when you Browse Photos - some of the pictures are really sexy and some are really, really scarey and I don't mean because they have whips or a dungeon. ;-)
I say this all in good fun though. One man's kinky is another man's freaky. |
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Limits
I joined CollarMe in part because I like pushing a partner's limits. However, in just a couple of days, people already have me examining my own limits. That's pretty cool.
I know that to some, I would seem pretty vanilla while to others I would seem a freak. I think that arises because I am open to much, but needful of little.
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My Experience
Okay, I guess this space can be used for a FAQ too. I have already been asked a couple of times how I arrived here to partake of this journey. I am happy to keep answering that, but here is what I have been saying...
I dated a truly submissive woman years ago, but I wasn't ready for a D/s relationship then. I thought it was all about the physical. I didn't realize the opportunities that existed on the emotional level (not to the mention the intellectual and spiritual).
Later, I played in the D/s realm for sometime within what most would consider perhaps wild, but vanilla relationships. I only realized after what I was doing.
Eventually, I knew I wanted to pursue things with those that knew they wanted to be submissive. The rest, as they say, is history. : )
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Interests
There are many interests upon which I have not commented. There are many things I can take or leave. For me their power is not in the act itself, but in the response they generate. When I am seeking to arouse another and I know something in particular will do it, my interest in that thing increases. |
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I have indicated more of my interests. Many of the selections could use a distinction between giving or receiving. Because there are all sorts of kinks in the world, especially here, let me say that I am not looking to wear a corsette myself or have a vibrator used on me. I think you get the idea.
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As I think of more information that I should share, I will add it here. I am single and have been long enough to be over it, but not so long as to forget what being in a relationship is like.
I am seeking a relationship, but I am open to what comes my way.
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| Age: 19 |
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Arkansas |
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