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TravelingDom69

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Excellence is born of preparation, dedication, focus, and tenacity compromise on any of these and you become average

A mature Dominant. Professional and intense, enjoys the power exchange, control (both the mental and physical), open communication that Ds offers and all of lifes experiences -- if it is not fun...why do it?

I enjoy that person that silently cravesneeds to give up control. The proper acting professional -- but over time you realized you arewant to be a slut to that one special person and enjoy a good sound king. Being bound and blindfolded on your knees - not knowing what will happen next. Bending over wondering if this will be the time he takes your ass - again? Then laying in bed -- cuddling and recovering then spreading open at his request and starting all over. There is something special about a quiet evening in front of the fire, a motorcycle ride exploring back roads and old towns, a dinner at your favorite restaurant, a night out at the theater, a night on the town, a weekend in the mountains, maybe with him whispering in your ear how you will be taken and used at the end of the evening or both of you discussing 1001 uses for clothespins and then seeing if all 1001 can fit, laughing, joking and do not take life too serious -- looking like any other couple -- but if they only knew....


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4/5/2017 4:19:08 AM

Well I rarely get online here any more and decided it is time to move on.  I will be closing this profile in the next few days.  Thanks for all the good time.  Best of luck in the future. Enjoy life and take it one day at a time.

10/22/2016 4:38:07 AM

I couldn't agree with more.....


Any man can grab a woman by her hair, throw her onto the bed, rip her clothes off and tie her up. He can call her a “bitch” or a “slut” and have rough sex with her, but that’s not dominance…that’s rough sex. And, if she is into it, it can even be fun, but that’s not true dominance.

True dominance is whispering softly in her ear, and observing as she obediently removes her clothes…methodically…one piece at a time. Watching as she kneels before you and offers her entire self to you…willingly…without hesitation or reservation. Showing you her most vulnerable parts without embarrassment or shame, and you know nothing makes her happier, than making you happy. That’s true dominance


10/16/2016 3:56:57 AM


A friend sent me this ---- What Deep Thinkers Retired Men Are 

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.  The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. 

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said nothing.  The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'  At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.  


Finally I pondered an age old question:  Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?  Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?  Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't actually experience having a baby, here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."  On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.



9/19/2016 10:26:57 AM

Burial plans

A man and woman were married for many years.

Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

Then one evening, he died when he was 98.

After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

 

The wife said, "Let him dig.  I had him buried upside down; and I know he won't ask for directions.




7/26/2016 7:14:08 PM

Some Simple Truths.....

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're  screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When  a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, " Congrats ".

But,  none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.

FIVE Other Simple Truths
1.  Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a  Corvette  than on a bicycle.

2.  Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.
3. If  you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in  trouble again.
4.  Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5.  Alcohol does not solve any problems but then neither does milk.

Bonus  Truth:
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.

A  friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband


7/18/2016 10:59:30 AM


5 undeniable facts.... 

A wise person once said.  

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.  A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser.  Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available. 

AND

5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit .  A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.



6/3/2016 2:25:32 AM

Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely with a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways,totally worn out, shouting "Holy Shit.....What a ride!" 


6/2/2016 11:16:54 AM

I have not wrote in my journal in almost a year.  Life has been a bit crazy. Unexpectedly, about six months ago, I lost my older brother to heart issues.  In the process I inherited his soon to be 14 year old beagle.  LOL.  I did not always think of him every day but now I do.  Just missing him today.  A friend showed me this poem and I ended up using parts of it during his eulogy.  I thought it was beautiful. It's sad but wonderful.

This is called brothers through death. 

The best of friends.

The worst of enemies.

Together we could do anything.

But alone we both fail.

Fighting together, we we'll prevail.


Brothers by birth.
And I'll be there to protect you first. You taught me how to live.
How it's not better to receive, but to give.
We used to fuss and fight.
But I know everything's alright.
You showed me how to be myself.
To be true to myself.
 
Nothing could hurt our bond.
Forever we'll be connected.
Nobody will separate us.
In the end, we'll rely on each other. 
We have each other's back
And that's a fact.
 
I write these words while I remember you.
I smile through the pain
And laugh through the memories.
I know you're gone .
But I can still feel your presence
As I now walk this path alone.
 
Love u always brother.
 

6/29/2015 6:28:45 PM

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try   bear hunting.   He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.   Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned   around to see a big black bear.   

The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."  After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter  alternative.  So the black bear had his way with Frank.   Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered   and vowed revenge.   

He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the  black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.   
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.   The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to   death or we have "rough sex."   Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the   grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had  his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.   He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar  bear standing there.   The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?" 


6/27/2015 6:54:36 PM

A very good family friend who looked out for my siblings and I after my parents passed away died today.  His passing brought out many good and bad memories.  It really makes you stop and think how fragile life is.  Came across this quote and liked it.

   "The tragedy of life is not death but what we let die inside of us while we live."

                                                         -- Norman Cousins


6/21/2015 4:55:59 AM

"TIME"


 On his deathbed Alexander the Great summoned his generals and told them his three ultimate wishes:
 
The best doctors should carry his coffin; the wealth he had accumulated (money, gold, precious stones) should be scattered along the way to his burial; and his hands should be left hanging outside the coffin for all to see. Surprised by these unusual requests, one of his generals asked Alexander to explain.
 
Here is what he said:

I want the best doctors to carry my coffin to demonstrate that in the face of death, even the best doctors in the world have no power to heal;
 
I want the road to be covered with my treasure so that everybody sees that the wealth acquired on earth, stays on earth.
 
I want my hands to swing in the wind so that people understand that we come to this world empty-handed and we leave empty-handed after the most precious treasure of all is exhausted - Time.
 
Time is our most precious treasure because it is limited. We can produce more wealth, but we cannot produce more time.
 
When we give someone our time, we actually give a portion of our life that we will never take back.
 
Our time is our life!



6/10/2015 8:32:34 AM

 "Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." 
                                                                                                                                            -- T.S. Eliot


5/12/2015 4:07:04 AM
Life is good! Spent last weekend at Myrtle Beach for bike week. Now down in Florida for a few days having my morning coffee watching the sun rise over the ocean. Then back to Myrtle for a few more days of bike week. How can I complain.

4/26/2015 6:44:45 AM

To keep the one you have, treat them like you don't have them yet......



4/25/2015 5:30:37 AM

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

 


4/23/2015 7:38:33 AM

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People --

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack...

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you,

He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives

On December 24 in 25 minutes.

___________________________________

Men Are Just Happier People



4/22/2015 2:12:03 AM

"The tragedy of life is not death but what we let die inside of us while we live".

                                                             -- Norman Cousins



4/19/2015 11:19:25 AM

"In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you".

                                                 --Buddha



1/31/2015 12:32:35 PM

I just got a call -- one of my best friends was taken to the hospital with heart issues.  He was extremely athletic and competitive, but will be fine.  The long term diagnosis is not so fine -- he will have to limit his extreme training and limit the intensity for the rest of his life.  Funny how life changes in a second.


As another friend always said -- It's a great day to be alive.  Enjoy and appreciate every day!

1/26/2015 10:20:57 AM

You can try to change it, hide it, deny it, lie about it, but in the end the truth is still the truth.......


1/18/2015 5:39:17 PM

"Happiness is when you feel good about yourself without feeling the need for anyone else's approval."


11/6/2014 7:04:14 AM

“Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.”
                                                Winston Churchill

11/1/2014 12:50:40 PM


1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
13. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
14. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.. But don't worry; God never blinks.
15. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
16. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
17. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
18. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
19. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
20. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion.  Today is special.

21. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

22. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

23. The most important sex organ is the brain.

24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will

this matter?
26. Always choose life.
27. Forgive everyone everything.

28. What other people think of you is none of your business.

29. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

31. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

32. Believe in miracles.

33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

34. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

36. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

37. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

38. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd

grab ours back.

39. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

40. The best is yet to come...

41. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

42. Yield.

43. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Friends are the family that we choose.


12/20/2013 5:53:54 PM

An employee of mine transferred to another division and gave me a nice thank you note for mentoring her while she was working for me.  In her note she had written the following saying.....something to think about.

 

"legends say that hummingbirds float free of time, carrying our hopes for love, joy, and celebration.  The hummingbird's delicate grace reminds us that life is rich, beauty is everywhere, every personal connection has meaning and that laughter is life's sweetest creation."

 

 


12/12/2013 3:53:08 PM

 

Something to think about  -- the 90/10 Rule

 

10% of life is made up of what happens to you

 

-- 90% of life is decided how you react to what happens to you....


12/4/2013 5:16:34 PM

To get in the holiday spirit just remember......

No matter how old you are, an empty christmas wrapping tube is still a fun thing to hit someone over the head with!

 


11/24/2013 4:27:04 PM

You think you have lived  to be mature and know who you are, then along comes someone and  blows it all to hell.  
 
An old Marine Pilot sat  down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he  sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She  turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'  

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying  planes, first Stearman's, then the early  Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the  Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260  people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a  pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian.   I  spend my whole day thinking about naked women.   As soon as I get up in the  morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think  about naked women. When I watch TV, I think  about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked  women.'


The two sat sipping in silence.


A little  while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old  pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

 

He replied, 'I  always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a  lesbian.'

 


11/23/2013 4:56:36 AM

I saw this and this says it all.  I borrowed it with permission.

 

Any man can grab a woman by her hair, throw her onto the bed, rip her clothes off and tie her up. He can call her a “bitch” or a “slut” and have rough sex with her, but that’s not dominance…that’s rough sex. And, if she is into it, it can even be fun, but that’s not true dominance.


True dominance is whispering softly in her ear, and observing as she obediently removes her clothes…methodically…one piece at a time. Watching as she kneels before you and offers her entire self to you…willingly…without hesitation or reservation. Showing you her most vulnerable parts without embarrassment or shame, and you know nothing makes her happier, than making you happy. That’s true dominance

 


11/21/2013 5:06:00 PM

 

I am feeling a bit sad tonight. I lost my best friend as his battle with stomach cancer came to an end.  He was always there for me When I needed him. Another reminder life is fragile so live your dreams.  Rest in peace N. 

 

 


11/17/2013 2:50:38 PM

On Tuesday will be the 13 year anniversary since I buried my Mom.  I learned alot from her.  I saw this and could relate to it.  It so reminded me of her.  Have a great day.

I  Owe My Mother  

 
1..  My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A  JOB WELL DONE 
"If you're going to kill each other, do  it outside. I just finished cleaning." 

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.  
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 

3.  My mother taught me about TIME  TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock  you into the middle of next week!" 

4. My mother taught me LOGIC
"  Because I said so, that's why." 

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .  
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going  to the store with me." 

6. My  mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean  underwear, in case you're in an accident." 

7. My mother taught me IRONY.  
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.." 

8.  My mother taught me about the  science of OSMOSIS 
"Shut your mouth and eat your  supper." 

9. My mother taught  me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you look at that dirt on  the back of your neck!" 

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA  .. 
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 

11.  My mother taught me about  WEATHER
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went  through it." 

12. My mother  taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've  told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF  LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take  you out.." 

14. My mother  taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION 
"Stop acting  like your father!" 

15. My  mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of  less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents  like you do." 

16.. My mother  taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get  home." 

17. My mother taught  me about RECEIVING 
"You are going to get it when you  get home!" 

18. My mother  taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE
"If you don't stop crossing  your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." 

19. My mother taught me ESP
"Put  your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 

20.  My mother taught me  HUMOR. 
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't  come running to me." 

21. My  mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT 
"If you don't  eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.  
"You're just like your father." 

23.. My mother taught me about my  ROOTS
"Shut that door behind you.  Do you think  you were born in a barn?" 

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.  
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 

And my  favorite:

 

 25..  My mother taught me about JUSTICE  
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out  just like you !"

 


11/11/2013 5:28:32 PM

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral o, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.


FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a
Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you
when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.


THERE YOU HAVE IT...and remember, life is good.


11/4/2013 6:42:27 PM

 

Down in St Petersburg this week For work  Stepped off the plane to 80 degree weather. Hard to argue with that - Life is good. 



11/1/2013 7:20:42 PM

Things to Know:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing) 

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains..
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)


10/15/2013 4:31:39 PM

     Proofreading  is a dying art, wouldn't  you  say?

Man  Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and  Daughter   


Something  Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert  Says  
 
Police  Begin Campaign to Run Down  Jaywalkers  
       
Panda  Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes  Over  
       
Miners  Refuse to Work after Death  
 
Juvenile  Court to Try Shooting  Defendant  
 
Dims Hope for Peace  

If  Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last  Awhile  
   
Cold  Wave Linked to Temperatures  
  
Enfield (  London  ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect  Homicide      
 
Red  Tape Holds Up New Bridges  
    
Man  Struck By Lightning: Faces  Battery  Charge  
     
New  Study of Obesity Looks for  Larger Test  Group  
 
Astronaut  Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft  
 
Kids  Make Nutritious Snacks  
       
Local   High  School Dropouts  Cut  in Half  
       
Hospitals  are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors  
         
*******************************************  
And  the winner is....  
 
Typhoon  Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds  Dead  
    
     Did I read that right?  


10/14/2013 5:21:57 AM

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famously erudite scientist and comic who once said: 'I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.'

His mind sees things differently than most of us do ... to our amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems.

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- They don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend.....but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, 'I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.'

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you ne ed it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

And my all time favorite-

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light , would your headlights work? 


10/12/2013 8:18:49 PM

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People --

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack...

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you,

He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives

On December 24 in 25 minutes.

___________________________________

Men Are Just Happier People


10/11/2013 4:44:33 AM

  

"If you make friends with yourself, you will never be alone."

                                                 ~Maxwell Martz

 

 


10/10/2013 7:14:38 AM

 

Life takes some strange turns.  Live each day like it's your last.

 


6/19/2013 7:16:41 PM

 

All the Time in the World

 

  While at the park one day, a woman sat down next to a man on a bench near a
playground.  "That's my son over there," she said, pointing to a little boy in
a red sweater who was gliding down the slide.

  "He's a fine looking boy," the man said.  "That's my son on the swing in the
blue sweater."  Then, looking at his watch, he called to his son.  "What do
you say we go, Todd?"

  Todd pleaded, "Just five more minutes, Dad.  Please?  Just five more
minutes?"

  The man nodded and Todd continued to swing to his heart's content.  Minutes
passed and the father stood and again he called to his son.  "Time to go now?"

  Yet again Todd pleaded, "Five more minutes, Dad.  Just five more minutes."
The man smiled and said, "O.K."

  "My, you certainly are a patient father," the woman responded.

  The man smiled and then said, "My older son, Tommy, was killed by a drunk
driver last year while he was riding his bike near here.  I never spent much
time with Tommy and now I'd give anything for just five more minutes with him.
I've vowed not to make the same mistake with Todd.  He thinks he has five more
minutes to swing.  The truth is, I get five more minutes to watch him play."

 


6/18/2013 9:30:24 PM

 

When people walk away from you, let them go. Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you, and it doesn't mean they are bad people. It just means that their part in your story is over.

 

 

 

 


6/13/2013 3:37:56 PM

  

"If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else."   Yogi Berra                                                                            

 


6/13/2013 1:47:11 AM
 
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, ...the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
 

6/10/2013 6:02:45 PM

I love this poem.  How can something written in the 1920's be so relevant today.

Desiderata - Words for Life by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

 


6/8/2013 6:45:25 PM

This has always been one of my favorites......

 

Why Worry?

There are only two things to worry about;

Either you are well or you are sick.

If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about;

But if you are sick, there are two things to worry about;

Either you will get well, or you will die.

If you get well, there is nothing to worry about.

If you die, there are only two things to worry about;

Either you will go to Heaven or Hell.

If you go to Heaven, there is nothing to worry about,

But if you go to Hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends,

You won't have time to worry.

 


6/5/2013 8:44:36 PM
Be Careful when you send your E-Mail to some one.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flyi...ng down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: December 16, 2012

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

6/5/2013 4:40:26 PM

 

 

There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it.  Surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good.  Love the people who treat you right  Pray for the ones who don’t.  Life is too short to be anything but happy.  Falling down is part of life, getting back up is living.

 


6/4/2013 3:29:30 AM

 

There are five things you cannot recover in life:
     The stone... ...after it is thrown,
     The word... ...after it is said,!!
     The chance... ...after it is missed,
     The time... ...after it is gone,
     A person... ...after they die.

 


6/4/2013 3:28:31 AM

 

 

There are five things you cannot recover in life:
     The stone... ...after it is thrown,
     The word... ...after it is said,!!
     The chance... ...after it is missed,
     The time... ...after it is gone,
     A person... ...after they die.

 


6/3/2013 5:15:59 PM

 

The most thoughtful, the most impressive, the most memorable, the longest lasting gift you can give anyone, any age, any occasion that never goes out fo style or gets obsolete is your time.  Invest on what matters!

 

 


6/2/2013 6:12:19 PM

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

 

When someone is in your life for a REASON…it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.  They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.  They may seem like a godsend, and they are!  They are there for the reason you need them to be.

 

Then without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.  Sometimes they die.  Sometimes they walk away.  Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

 

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.  The prayer you sent up has been answered.  And not it is time to move on.

 

When people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.  They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.  They may teach you something you have never done.  They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.  Believe it!  It is real!  But only for a season.

 

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.  Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.  It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.  Thank you for being part of my life

 


4/30/2013 6:40:05 PM

 

 

Don't say "There's still time" or "Maybe next time" Because there's also the concept of "It's too late"

 

 


4/21/2013 5:43:45 PM

 

 

"A  truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour."

 

 


4/8/2013 6:37:30 PM

 

Life is short, Occasionally Bend the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.

 


4/6/2013 7:19:03 PM

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1. You can't count your hair

2. You can't wash your eyes with soap

3. You can't breathe when your tongue is out

 

Put your tongue back in......

 

10 Things I know about you...

1) You are reading this

2) You are human

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips

4) You just attempted to do it

6) You are laughing at yourself

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No.5

8) You just checked to see if there is a No.5

9) You laugh at this because you aren’t an idiot & everyone else does it too

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it

--

Life is like a roll of toilet paper, The farther along you get, the faster it goes.


3/24/2013 10:36:41 AM

 

A  husband walks into David Jones to purchase a sheer negligee for his  wife.  He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to  $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.  Naturally,  he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it  home.  He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs,  put it on, and model it for him.  Upstairs  the wife (she's no dummy) thinks, I have an idea.  It's so  sheer that it  might as well be nothing.  I  won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow,  and keep the $500 refund for myself.  She  appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.  The  husband says, Good Grief! You'd  think for $500, they'd at least iron it!  He  never heard the shot.

 

 


3/19/2013 6:03:59 PM

I'm from Buffalo. We eat chicken wings, not Buffalo wings.  We drink Labatt Blue.  Pop, not soda.  They are sneakers, not tennis shoes.  It's a sucker, not a lollipop. Bison chip dip, La Nova Pizzeria, Aunt Rosie's Loganberry, and Ted's Hot Dogs are all too familiar.  We have fake IDs at 15.  Our bars don't close until 4am.  Jim's steak out at 4 in the morning ...is calling it an early night.  We never cuss, but we swear entirely too much.  We know that a 65 mph speed limit really means 80.  We will cut you off, swear, and give you the finger if you are keeping up AND do it all in the snow, while expecting nothing less in return.  Driving in the snow not only comes naturally, it is fun.  We start the weekends off right at Thursdays in the square while enjoying beer, free music, and an interesting crowd.  We lived through Wide Right, The Forward Lateral, and No Goal. Dubbed by Dan Marino as "the meanest fans because no-one actually wants to live here."  We love the Bills (no matter what) and accept that it takes 2-4 hours to get home from a game.  Nothing closes in 3 feet of snow or -20 windchills.  In fact, that's how we prefer to tailgate.  We can correctly pronounce, spell, and identify Chippewa, Scajaquada, Lackawanna, Cheektowaga, Cattaraugus, Chautauqua, Olean, Tonawanda and Gowanda without hesitation.  We are 30 minutes from another country, one of the seven wonders of the world, and even a few beaches.  It's the second largest city in New York.  I AM FROM BUFFALO, a drinking town with a sports problem, and damn proud.


3/16/2013 2:05:14 PM

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People --

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack...

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you,

He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives

On December 24 in 25 minutes.

___________________________________

Men Are Just Happier People


3/10/2013 1:07:40 PM

 

 

When I was born I was so surprised I did not talk for a year and a half.

 


2/3/2013 1:44:44 PM

I saw this and busted out laughing....

 

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called... his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

1/30/2013 7:47:58 PM

 

 

"If you make friends with yourself you will never be alone."

 


1/27/2013 3:20:07 PM

"LARRY MAY BECOME MY NEW FAVORITE!!!!


A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'


 

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'


The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'  Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?

 

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..... '


1/20/2013 3:41:39 PM

 

I saw this and liked it.......A man bought 12 flowers, 11 real and 1 fake.  He said, "I will love you until the last flower dies."

 


1/18/2013 6:16:52 PM

 

"If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present."

 


1/14/2013 5:59:28 PM

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.  He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and   shot it.   Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.   


The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul   you to death or we have sex."   After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter   alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.   Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered   and vowed revenge.   He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the  black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.  

 
This time a huge grizzly bea r stood right next to him.  The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was   my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have "rough sex."   Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.  Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.   Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.   He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.  The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

 


1/12/2013 7:41:14 PM

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral o, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.


4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

THERE YOU HAVE IT...and remember, life is good.


 


1/2/2013 8:09:36 PM

What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.  She then asked if she could help him. Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism.  Earl then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.  The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.' When she returned, she said, We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do. 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses.

 

 


1/1/2013 9:55:31 AM

With the start of the new year I was cleaning out old emails and came across this.  My times have changed......... 

Older Than Dirt Quiz :  Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.  Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke  boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines on the telephone
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate])
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S& H greenstamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You' re older than dirt!


12/30/2012 4:34:39 AM

Well after surviving some life changing events this year and have realized there is nothing as important that you cannot get back once it passes is time.  As the new year approached, I came across this cleaning out this morning and realized I can relate. 

 

All the Time in the World

  While at the park one day, a woman sat down next to a man on a bench near a
playground.  "That's my son over there," she said, pointing to a little boy in a red sweater who was gliding down the slide.

  "He's a fine looking boy," the man said.  "That's my son on the swing in the blue sweater."  Then, looking at his watch, he called to his son.  "What do you say we go, Todd?"

  Todd pleaded, "Just five more minutes, Dad.  Please?  Just five more minutes?"

  The man nodded and Todd continued to swing to his heart's content.  Minutes
passed and the father stood and again he called to his son.  "Time to go now?"

  Yet again Todd pleaded, "Five more minutes, Dad.  Just five more minutes."
The man smiled and said, "O.K."

  "My, you certainly are a patient father," the woman responded.

  The man smiled and then said, "My older son, Tommy, was killed by a drunk
driver last year while he was riding his bike near here.  I never spent much time with Tommy and now I'd give anything for just five more minutes with him.  I've vowed not to make the same mistake with Todd.  He thinks he has five more minutes to swing.  The truth is, I get five more minutes to watch him play."

 

 


12/28/2012 5:52:06 PM

 

 

Well growing up in Western New York and enjoying the recent snow storm I can say driving up north in the winter time is much safer than in Virginia.  A family member just sent me this and it is so true..   

 

"95% of Americans scream "Holy Crap" right before slamming into the ditch on a slippery road.

 

The other 3.5% are from Upstate New York, and they say "Hold my coffee and watch this......"

 

 


12/27/2012 10:18:46 AM

 

 

Life is too short to be serious all the time.  So, if you can't laugh at yourself, call me........I'll laugh at you.

 


12/24/2012 5:23:43 PM

 

 

You know you've grown up when none of the things you want for Christmas can be bought in a store......

 


12/22/2012 7:46:16 PM
 
I am so glad the world did not end yesterday.  Now I still have time to find out who let the dogs out, the way to get to Sesame Street, why Dora doesn't just use Google maps, why we don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery", why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed, why "abbreviated" is such a long word..., why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons, why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections and why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?Why did Joanie love Chachi? If a deaf person has to go to court is it still called a hearing? Can a hearse, carrying a corpse, drive in the carpool lane? Does the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star have the same tune? Why did you just try to sing those two previous songs? And just what is Victoria's secret? Now you see why the world just has to keep going. I have too many questions......and do you really think I am this witty ???? because I actually stole this from a friend, who stole from a friend, who stole from a friend, who stole from a friend, who stole from a friend ... lol
 

12/6/2012 4:15:34 PM

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity
 - 
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability
 -
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers
 - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5.
 Law of the Alibi If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6.
 Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath
 - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters
 -
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result
 - 
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics
 - 
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena
 
- At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last and they are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over while those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and who stay to the bitter end of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Starbucks Law
 
- As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13.. Murphy's Law of Lockers
 
- If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces
 - 
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument
 - 
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
 - 
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
 - 
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. DoubleTakes Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
 - 
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law
 - 
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don 't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.


12/4/2012 8:19:13 PM

 

 

Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

 


12/3/2012 4:13:43 PM

Some Good Answers 

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in Row 2. 'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering t his bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.


12/2/2012 11:30:56 AM

The Husband Store

 

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.  Among the instructions at the entrance is
a description of how the store operates:

    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

     Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

          She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

     Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

       'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

 So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

 
      Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

        'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

  She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

      Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

        'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
 
  Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

       Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

         She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

       Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. 



  PLEASE NOTE:
 
 To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

      The first floor has wives that love sex.

      The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

      The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 


12/2/2012 3:15:45 AM

 

 

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 

 


11/30/2012 5:30:31 PM


VERY   INTERESTING   STUFF

  •  In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'
  • Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only..Ladies Forbidden' and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
  • The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.  
  • Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S . Treasury.
  • Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
  • Coca-Cola was originally green.
  • It is impossible to lick your elbow.
  • The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:   Alaska
  • The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
  • The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
  • The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:  $ 16,400
  • The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:   61,000
  • Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
  • The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
  • The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
  • Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
    • Spades - King David
    • Hearts - Charlemagne
    • Clubs -Alexander, the Great
    • Diamonds - Julius Caesar
  • 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
  • If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
  • Only two people signed the Declaration ofIndependence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
  • In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
  • When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase.......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'
  • It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
  • In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'
  • It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
  • Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.
  • At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!



11/29/2012 3:48:11 PM

 

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a spectacular gorgeous woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. As if his prayers were answered, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. The Annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard. Here was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he said. "What myths are those?" "Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name." "It's Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba!"



11/28/2012 8:34:48 PM

A friend sent me this joke....I thought it was funny.

 

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

 Dear Mrs. Samuel,

 Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
 store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both
 of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel,
 are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
 people's carts when they weren't looking.

 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
 intervals.

 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
 women's restroom.

 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
 'Code 3 in Housewares.. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee
 to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor
 that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose
 time and costing the company money...

 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
 layaway.

 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
 and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

 9 September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
 the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO!   IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


 And last, but not least:

 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.


11/27/2012 10:49:32 PM


One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closes friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one.



11/27/2012 7:07:17 PM

 

10 percent of life is made up of what happens to you.......the remaining 90 percent of life is decided by how you react.



11/26/2012 9:09:29 PM

 

"Life is good.  I woke up this morning, opened the morning paper and checked the obituary column -- and my name was not there.  How bad of a day can it be?"

 


11/25/2012 11:55:45 PM

 

"Every bad situation will have something positive, even a dead clock shows the correct time twice a day."

 


11/25/2012 4:10:50 AM

A friend sent me this and thought I would share.....

 

Are you a Reason, a Season,  or a Lifetime?

 

People come into your life for a reason, season, or a lifetime.  When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

 

When someone is in your life for a REASON….It is usually to meet a need you have expressed.  That have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.  They may seem like a godsend, and they are!  They are the reason you need them to be.

 

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.  Sometimes they die,  Sometimes they walk away.  Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

 

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.  The prayer you sent up has been answered.  And now it is time to move on.

 

When people come into your life for a SEASON.  Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.  They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.  They may teach you something you have never done.  They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.  Believe it!  It is real!  But, only for a season.

 

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.  Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.  It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. 

 


11/24/2012 6:16:12 AM


1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound,  some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I  agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow  up, we only learn how to behave in public.

6. War does not  determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is  knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit  salad.

8. They begin the evening network news with 'Good  Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. I thought  I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

10. In  filling out an application, where it says,
In case  of emergency, notify: I put  'DOCTOR.'

11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

12. Women will never be equal to men until they  can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still  think they are sexy.

13. Behind every successful man is his  woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another  woman.

14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy  memory.

15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only  need a parachute to skydive twice.

16. Money can't buy  happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live  with.


17. I  used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

18. You're never  too old to learn something stupid.

19. To be sure of hitting  the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the  target.

20. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

21.  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

22.  Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing  in a garage makes you a car. 



11/23/2012 8:50:06 AM

 

When things don’t go according to plan, one has to trust, that is the plan.



11/22/2012 7:47:06 PM

 

Always believe something wonderful is going to happen.  Even with all the ups and downs, never take a day for granted.  Smile, cherish the little things and remember to hug the ones you really love.

 


11/21/2012 6:36:23 PM


Sometimes the strongest women are the ones who love beyond all faults, cry behind closed doors, and fights battles that nobody knows about.



11/19/2012 6:09:14 PM


Ever notice that the people that are normally show up late are much jollier than the people that had to wait for them.



11/18/2012 4:21:24 AM

 

I spent a little time this weekend with one of my best friends who helped me get through some of my toughest times.  He is dying of cancer.  We talked about life and how he has been so positive and still be there for everyone in spite of his health condition.  He said it took cancer for him look at things differently.  He has taken the time to enjoy the little things.  He said his wife sent him Tim McGraw's song Live Like You Are Dying and it hit home.  He said if I learn anything from this just try and live your life like you are dying because everyone is in some form or fashion.

 

So I am going to take that step back and like the song says - "Some day, I hope you get the chance, To live like you were dyin'." 

 

It might be something we all want to consider.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xSGLZd9Vg4

 

 


11/17/2012 5:55:10 PM

 

Today is  the OLDEST you've ever been, yet the YOUNGEST you'll ever be, so enjoy  this day while it lasts.

 

 


11/16/2012 2:37:58 AM


If today was your last day & tomorrow was too late
could you say goodbye to yesterday?
would you live each moment like your last?
leave old pictures in the past?
donate every dime you had?
Would you.......



11/15/2012 5:58:57 PM

 

"When you make a mistake, there are only three things you should ever do about it:  1. Admit it. 2. Learn from it, and 3. Don't repeat it."    Paul Bear Bryant



11/14/2012 6:28:57 PM

 

 A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.  The instructions were: the short story had to contain the following three things:  (1) Religion; (2) Sexuality; (3) Mystery. 

 

Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class.

 

“Good God, I’m pregnant; I wonder who did it.”



11/11/2012 7:08:32 PM

I would rather people dislike me for who I really am, than to lie, and have them like me for who I could never be. 


11/11/2012 8:57:35 AM

Thank a veteran today….

 

A marine was deployed to Afghanistan.  While he was there, he received a letter from his girlfriend.  In the letter, she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.  She also wanted the pictures of herself back.

 

So the marine did what any other man would do.  He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.  He then mailed about 24 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his ex-girlfriend with the following note:

 

“I don’t remember which one you are.  Please remove your picture and send the rest back.”


11/10/2012 4:12:35 PM

Thoughts for today

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.     

A penny saved is a government oversight. 
    
The real art of  conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. 
    
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. 
 
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
 
He who hesitates is probably right.. 
    
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'? 
    
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
 
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 
 
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. 
 
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'  


11/9/2012 3:01:27 PM

Learn from the past, set vivid detailed goals for the future, and live in the only moment of time over which you have any control: now.           Denis Waitley


11/7/2012 6:49:12 PM

If you don;t design your own life plan, chances are you'll fall into someone else's plan.  And guess what they have planned for you?  Not much!      Jim Rohn


11/5/2012 8:58:39 PM

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. 
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!


11/4/2012 5:49:37 AM

Why Worry?

There are only two things to worry about;

Either you are well or you are sick.

If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about;

But if you are sick, there are two things to worry about;

Either you will get well, or you will die.

If you get well, there is nothing to worry about.

If you die, there are only two things to worry about;

Either you will go to Heaven or Hell.

If you go to Heaven, there is nothing to worry about,

But if you go to Hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends,

You won't have time to worry.


11/3/2012 7:09:22 AM


What a woman says:
     This place is a mess! C'mon,
     You and I need to clean up,
     Your stuff is lying on the floor and
     you'll have no clothes to wear, if we
     don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
     blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
     blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
     blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
     blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
     blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

 


11/2/2012 10:07:49 AM

"If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live."


11/1/2012 6:43:07 PM

"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button."  Sam Leveson


10/31/2012 10:53:45 PM

 The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this:  Decide what you want.


10/30/2012 4:11:12 PM

"There are no shortcuts to any place worth going."


10/29/2012 10:16:39 AM

"The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; They just make the most of everything they have."


10/28/2012 12:28:41 PM

    CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY!! 

  • Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of  fly.
  • Better to be pissed off than pissed  on.
  • Lady who goes camping must beware  of evil intent.
  • Squirrel who  runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.
  • Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
  • Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man  who runs behind car gets exhausted.
  • Man who eats many prunes get good run for  money.
  • War does not determine who is  right, it determines who is left.
  • Man who fight with wife all day get no piece  at night.
  • It takes many nails to  build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
  • Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
  • Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
  • Man who live in glass house  should change  clothes in basement.
  • Man who  fish in other man's well often catch crabs.



 


10/27/2012 2:23:50 PM

Last month my neighbor mentioned he saw a few copperhead snakes in his backyard -- go forward to yesterday.  I woke up about 3am to get a little work done before heading into the office.  I walk downstairs and into my family room and I saw a baby copperhead moving across my bathroom floor.  One large toolbox and one less baby copperhead.  I have lived in my house for 20 years and have never seen a snake -- why this year? Now I just have to make sure his parents moved out of the neighborhood because I am sure they are very upset with me.  

 

Does anyone have any ideas on how to get rid of snakes?  


10/27/2012 4:31:15 AM

Certainly there’s no truth to this....is there?

 Because  I'm a man,  when I lock my keys in the car, I will
fiddle with a coat hanger  long after hypothermia has set in.
Calling  AAA is not an option.  I WILL  win.
______________________________________________

Because  I'm a man , when the car isn't running very  well,
I  will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know  what
I'm  looking at.  If another man shows up, one of us will  say
to  the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but  now
with  all these computers and everything, I wouldn't  know
where  to start.'  We will then drink a couple of beers  and
break  wind, as a form of holy  communion.
_______________________________________________

Because  I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need  someone
to  bring me soup and take care of me tenderly while I lie in bed  
and  moan.  You're a woman.  You never get as sick as I do,  so
for  you, this is no  problem.
_______________________________________________

Because  I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops
working,  I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that
this  will just cost me twice as much once the repair person
gets  here and has to put it back  together.
_______________________________________________
Because  I'm a man, I must hold the television remote
control  in my hand while I watch TV.  If the thing has been  
 misplaced,  I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though
one  time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....
_______________________________________________

Because  I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine.  I  
 thought  what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,
too.   Either pair of shoes is fine.  With the belt or without  it,
looks  fine.  Your hair is fine.  You look fine.  Can we  just go
now?
_______________________________________________
Because  I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 20I2 , I
will  share equally in the housework.  You just do the  laundry,
the  cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes,
and  I'll do the rest...... Like wandering around in the yard wondering what to do first. 



10/26/2012 7:08:41 PM

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” 
― Oscar Wilde


10/24/2012 8:04:11 PM

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most: saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing, and wishing you had?


10/23/2012 7:44:14 PM

Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.


10/22/2012 7:16:03 PM

Some great ways of dealing with the burdens of  life: 

*  Accept that some days you're the pigeon, 
And some days you're the statue. 

*  Always keep your words soft and sweet, 
Just in case you have to eat them. 

*  Always wear stuff that will make you look good 
If you die in the middle of it.. 

  Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be 
"Recalled" by their maker. 

*  If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be  vague. 

*  If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, 
It was probably worth it. 

*  It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others. 

*  Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, 
Because then you won't have a leg to stand  on.

*  Nobody cares if you can't dance well. 
Just get up and dance. 

*  When everything's coming your way, 
You're in the wrong lane. 

*  Birthdays are good for you. 
The more you have, the longer you live. 

*  You may be only one person in the world, 
But you may also be the world to one person. 

*  Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. 

  We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box. 


*A  truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. 
 


10/22/2012 1:36:36 AM

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson


10/16/2012 8:28:29 PM

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
~ Mark Twain


9/26/2012 4:03:58 PM

 

 

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there" - Will Rogers

 


9/24/2012 10:40:32 AM

 

 

"The truth is everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for."   Bob Marley

 


9/18/2012 7:18:42 PM

 

 

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."

     Albert Einstein

 

 


8/26/2012 8:12:14 PM

 

"You can't make footprints in the sands of time sitting down."


8/21/2012 9:17:39 PM

 

Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.


8/5/2012 4:53:11 PM

Just thinking.....

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3.
  If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4.
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5.
  Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6.
  Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7.
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8
. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9.
  Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10.
  Why are they called "stands"when they are made for sitting?

11.
  Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light?"

12..
 Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" Make the unexpected expected?

13. 
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. 
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15.
 Why is "phonics" Not spelled The way it sounds?

16.
   If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17.
   If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18.
   If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19.
   If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20.
  Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22.
  Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23.
  How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. 
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25.
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26.
  Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27.
Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

 

28.  Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?


8/4/2012 5:42:56 PM

 

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, tires squealing and dust flying, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, "WOW, what a ride!!!!"

 


8/4/2012 5:17:53 PM

 

Life is short, Occasionally Bend the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.

 


4/23/2012 5:39:26 PM

 

 

Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.
- John Lennon

 


4/20/2012 2:43:06 PM

 

 

"Life is like a piano, white keys are happy moments... black keys are sad moments but remember both keys are played together to give sweet music..."

                                                                                                        ~Unknown

 

 


3/31/2012 10:09:18 AM

 

 

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they
haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it
was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

All those people on the Titanic who passed Up dessert at dinner that fateful
night in an effort to cut back.  Try to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't
suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed?  Does
the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you
watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

How many times have you said, 'How about going to lunch in a half hour?'The
response being:  'I can't.  I have clothes on the line.  My hair is dirty.
I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain'

Because People cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our
headaches..  We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves
When all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get "what ever" finished.

We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet.  We'll go on a
second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older.  The days get shorter,
And the list of promises to ourselves gets longer.  One morning, we awaken,
And all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I plan
on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.'

When anyone a 'seize the moment' friend, That friend is open to adventure
and available for trips.  Keeping an open mind on new ideas.  Their
enthusiasm for life is contagious.  You talk  for five minutes,
And you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip
An elevator for a bungee cord.

Now....go on and have a nice day.  Do something you WANT to...not
Something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only
one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say?
;And why are you waiting?

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the
rain lapping on the ground?  Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?  Do you run through each day on
The fly?  When you ask 'How are you?'  Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores
running through your head?  Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.'
And in your haste, not see her sorrow? Ever lost touch?  Let a good
friendship die?  Just call to say 'Hi'?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened
gift....Thrown away.... Life is not a race. Take it slower.  Hear the
Music before the song is over.


'Life may not be the party we hoped for...  but while we are here we
Might as well dance'

 


3/24/2012 6:06:53 PM

 

What a woman says:
 >> "This place is a mess!  C'mon,
 >> You and I need to clean up,
 >> Your stuff is lying on the floor and
 >> you'll have no clothes to wear, if we
 >> don't do laundry right now!"
 >>
 >> What a man hears:
 >>
 >> blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
 >> blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
 >> blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
 >> blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
 >> blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!


10/31/2011 5:00:34 PM

 

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

 

 


10/8/2011 4:30:09 AM

 

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." 
  --  Eleanor Roosevelt

 


10/3/2011 5:20:48 PM

Thought for the day. Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

 

 


9/22/2011 7:04:04 PM

 

You may not end up where you thought you were going,
but you will end up where you were meant to be!

 

 


7/10/2011 7:31:12 PM

Today is  the OLDEST you've ever been, yet the YOUNGEST you'll ever be, so enjoy  this day while it lasts.

 


5/17/2011 2:42:02 AM

 

We can try to avoid making choices by doing nothing, but even that is a decision.

 


5/16/2011 7:12:13 PM

 

The number one reason why people give up so fast is because
they tend to look at how far they still have to go,
instead of how far they have gotten...

 


5/5/2011 6:12:46 PM

there are people in life you learn to live with,
there are people you know you can't live without, and then
there are people you know life wouldn't be the same without...


5/4/2011 4:49:57 PM

 If your problem has a solution then... why worry about it?
If your problem doesn’t have solution then... why worry about it?


5/3/2011 6:40:49 PM

 

Good decisions come from experience,
and experience comes from bad decisions.

 


5/1/2011 2:22:33 AM

Its funny how you can do nice things for people all the time and they never notice.
But once you make one mistake, its never forgotten.


4/30/2011 5:57:10 PM

My teacher went around the classroom and asked each student what they wanted to be when they grew up. When she got to me, I told her I wanted to be happy. She told me I was missing the whole point of the question. I told her she was missing the whole point of life.


2/25/2011 5:20:05 PM

 

Some things to think about......

 *Can you cry under water?

 *How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

 *If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

 *Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

 *Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

 *Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

 *Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

 *What disease did cured ham actually have?

 *How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

 *Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

 *If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

 *Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

 *Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

 *How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

 *Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

 *If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

 *Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

 *Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

 *Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

 *Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

 *When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license,are you going to be smiling?

 *If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

 *Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

 *If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

 *Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

 *What do you call male ballerinas?

 *If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

*If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,what is baby oil made from?

 *If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

 *Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

 *Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

 *Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

 *Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

 

 


2/13/2011 5:05:47 AM

 

 

One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D'Souza. 

     He said, "For a long time it had seemed to me that my life was about
     to begin - real life.  But there was always some obstacle in the way,
     something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time
     still to be served, a debt yet to be paid.  Then life would begin.
     At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."

 

 


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Marlyn
 
 Age: 31
 Jacksonville, Florida